I don't love you anymore.

[Peppermynt]

I need some advice because I don't know if I should keep hoping for a second chance or if I am being ignorant and should try and move on.

 

My ex and I had been together for 3 1/2 years. We previously broke up one time the very first month we started dating. We were only apart for two weeks and got back together. Those two weeks were horrible for me as I had already fallen in love with him. Well now I have had years of falling even more in love with him and he has left me again. We broke up the day after Christmas. So it is still really early in the breakup. He tells me the same lines "its me not you" "it just wont work out" "we are too different" "i dont love you anymore".. etc. He says that it has been a gradual thing regarding falling out of love with me. I believe I know what "I" did you cause the break up. He has been telling me for about two years now that he has been losing attractiveness towards me.. and well I didnt really put forth effort and try to fix that.. instead I hoped our love was strong enough (which apparently it wasnt) and that he would always be with me. I took having him in my life for granted. I believe that it was a good thing that he broke up with me, it made me realize that I really need to fix these things. I have gained alot of weight in the past few years. I am not huge or anything, just not skinny anymore. I would say chunky? And I have been fighting with depression for the past 5 years. Because of this he calls me lazy and says we do not have fun anymore - we just argue alot. Well I am going to the doctor on Tuesday to get medication again (i lost insurance when i was given it last time, so never got to see if it worked) and I have been trying vigorously to lose weight. But no matter what I say to him he doesnt want me back. He has had ex's cheat on him and given them a second chance, but I never hurt him and never would and I cannot seem to get another chance. I just dont know what to do. Everyone tells me to move on.. But I just cant. I want to be with him so badly. Any advise?

[Keridan]

I hate to say it, but those other folks are probably right. If he has been feeling this way for so long, he's not going to turn it around any time soon. Those kinds of issues don't turn around very easily. Heck, I'm a little concerned at the way he seems to have approached a few subjects and you were okay with it.

 

It's probably not what you are looking for, but I do have a little advice. First, don't lose a pound or take medication or do anything at all for HIM. Do it because it's important to you personally or don't do it. It might end up making a difference to him, but that can't be your priority or it will never work.

 

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. It sounds very painful and there isn't a great comfort for that. Pining for him definitely won't help, but it's also very very hard to avoid. I hope you can find confidence in yourself and feel better with or without him.

 

I am glad to hear you are working on the depression. That is very important! Even if this doesn't help, keep working on it.

 

I do wish I had comfort for you. The best I can do is sympathize. I hope the best for you!

[Peppermynt]

I wasn't okay with the subjects before. I thought that when someone loved you that they loved you no matter what happened. I know I shouldn't be changing for him, but I mean he was just trying to help me. He always said he just wanted me to be healthy. Well I really should get better physically and emotionally.

 

My problem is that it took me this long to realize that. If he could just give me another chance then I could show him that I am listening to him and I am working on my issues. He just thinks it wont work out. But he will not tell me he doesn't want me anymore at all. I know that he still loves me deep down, he still tells me he cares about me. I know that if I fixed the things that were weighing down our relationship that things would be 100% better. But I don't know how I am supposed to get him to give me the chance? How I am supposed to convince him that things will work out.

[Keridan]

Hmm ... well, I don't know how to convince him exactly. If you are going to fix the things that are bothering you anyway, I would start there. Give it a bit of time working on yourself and you don't have to close the door to him to do it. He may need some time to realize how he feels anyway.

 

Changes are hard and relationships take lots of work and maintenance. Over time, you can get too weighed down even if it is real love. Because he feels like giving up doesn't mean he didn't really love you.

 

I still say you have to make the changes for you and because you want to, but you can still let him know that you aren't giving up on him and that you are making these changes. Maybe even ask him to wait a bit for you before he decides it's really over. Just don't pin all your efforts on his response. Keep it up either way.

[stupidgurl]

Most of the time, when I guy actually breaks up/leaves you he was "gone" long before he had the guts to walk away. If he commented on your looks/weight, he had an issue with it. I'm not saying it's right, just he did. (Guys are very visual.)

 

Taking better care of yourself will not only help your looks, but also your self esteem and depression. Be sure to talk to your doctor about what you can do in addition to therapy/meds and do it. Go for a walk. If you're really out of shape, just do 5 or 10 minutes and add one minute a day until you're up to 45+ minutes. Eat healthy. THINK POSITIVELY.

 

LEAVE YOUR EX ALONE! Eventually, he'll come back around (although not necessarily for the right reasons.) If you lose a little weight and gain the self-confidence from losing weight, exercising and being nicer to yourself (LOVING YOURSELF), I can almost promise that when he does come back around, you won't care anymore.

 

I know what I'm talking about, I've learned every lesson in my life the hard way.

[i made a mess]

I had a similar break up 2 years ago. My ex and I dated a couple months after being good friends for about 5 years, then he moved about 1100 miles away. after 3 years of, taking it back down to "best friend" status and lots of visits back and forth (not fwb, just friends). He decided he wanted more than friends, that he wanted me to move etc. 2 weeks after I finally moved, transferred with my job, got my own place, spent thousands of dollars moving and furnishing my new apartment...he dumped me. When I put him on blast for it, he was like a dog with his back against the wall. He completely flipped out on me and made it out like I did something wrong.

 

My ex said something very similar to me in our breakup and it broke me for the longest time. He told me I lacked ambition for not wanting to start my own business. (I worked for a top mortgage company with a salaried job, paid time, health benefits etc). Told me I was lazy and no excuse to be out of shape when I only worked 40 hours a week compared to his 100 (he's a little on the chubby side himself) and went on and on about me just sitting at home all the time. (I knew no one besides him and he was "too busy to see me"). He said that, if I didn't love myself enough to want more, how could I ever love him (Oh...i don't know? leaving my family and friends and the only city i've ever known, starting a new job, living by myself for the first time, etc...right?).

 

He told me I'd probably move back to my hometown, get my old job back, hang out with my "rat friends", and get back together with my ex. This was all in the same email.

 

After about 2 weeks of crying my eyes out, I realized this.

 

People that make you feel bad about yourself have no place in your life. Generally, they are unhappy with aspects of their own life, or they are narcissistic jerks who will never be happy with anyone that isn't the opposite sex version of themself. (even then, I don't think that person would be good enough). A relationship should be supportive and loving. If your ex wanted you to lose weight, he would have suggested taking walks together or forming a plan to eat healthier...partnering together without making you feel bad.

 

You need to cut ties, and focus on being happy again. Work on the depression and the issues causing you to be down. When my ex left me, I thought it was the end of the world and that I'd never be able to make anyone happy if I was so "unattractive both physically and mentally" and yet here I am. I have dated since him, I've been happy, felt love again, and have surrounded myself with people who don't make me feel bad about being "me". After the break, I began working out, eating healthy, just focusing on me. At first it was in hopes that my ex would see I was "giving him what he wanted" in hopes he'd want me back, but about 2 weeks in - I was feeling great, I slept so peacefully, I didn't find myself wondering what he was doing...I found myself wondering what cute dress I was going to buy next! It starts a chain reaction when you start to do things for yourself and your own hapiness. You just need to take it one day at a time. You can do it!!

 

(As for my "I'm so awesome and your not" ex...his business went under due to the economy, he STILL lives with his younger bro...in 1br apt in a barn at a friends house, and has resorted to selling pot to make money. It makes me smile that Karma really can be a nasty biatch!)

[aerogurl87]

He said he didn't love you anymore, if anyone ever said that to me that'd kill anything I could possibly feel in my heart for them. You're best bet is to get in shape to make yourself happy and do what you want at this stage. Forget about him and move on.

[CopingGal]

Hi there. So you gained some weight? Well, so what? Men change too. Soon, his hair may start falling out. I've had two exboyfriends that didn't like my weight. One was very heavy and he still did not like my weight. I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he regrets that he was unable to look past my weight. We are best friends now, but he deeply regrets that he lost me forever. If he couldn't look past it, then he just couldn't look past it. The other ex was a balding piece of scum.

 

I've met men that I have not be attracted to physically, but there was something about them that I liked. Because I liked them mentally, I became attracted to them physically, but not every one is like that.

 

I told myself that if that ever met someone who was not attracted to me, I would give it some time to see if it changed. If it did not change, I would leave, because both men made me feel ugly.

 

If you lose weight for someone else, what if you gain it again? You may always be afraid of that. I think you should let him go.

 

By the way, if you have no insurance, check out www.needymeds.com, it's possible to get depression medication for free. I know because I get mine for free. I have no insurance either. Your doctor would have to fill out some of the paper work.

Edited January 2, 2011 by CopingGal

[Peppermynt]

My ex sounds like the first guy you mentioned. That tried to look past my weight but could not. He was never mean about it. He tried to love me and tried to get past the fact that I kept getting bigger. But unfortunately we fell apart. I had lost my job in March 2010 and I think that had the biggest role. He was going back to school and I was the only one supporting us, so losing my job meant disaster. So we moved in with my parents. We had to sleep in separate rooms. The summer wasn't too bad because we were both free and were able to spend time together. When fall came I got a new job and he decided to take twice the amount of classes so he could graduate this spring. So he was ridiculously busy and I was back to being busy (i was also coaching three soccer teams). Well I think him being away from me made things worse. He realized he wasn't as attracted to me and we weren't hanging out or doing things together. Well eventually he decided that he no longer loved me.

 

I honestly feel that moving here was our biggest mistake. We really had no other choice though. If we at least got to see each other at night by living in he same room then we probably would be together still. Even when we were busy before he still loved me and liked hanging out with me.

 

This semester he is only taking two classes and then he graduates. We would've had so much more time together. And I was trying to find us our own place, even if he came back I could probably talk my parents into letting me live downstairs with him, because they know how painful this has been for me.

 

I know that he still cares about me, and I know that we can make things work. I just need the chance to try.

[Soxfaninfl]

If he truly loved you then he wouldn't care about your weight. My stbx is five feet six, and when I meet her she weight 140. 12 year later she was weighing almost 200. I didn't care about her weight I truly loved her no matter what. My stbx told me she didn't love me anymore also. Those guys that say to their women that if they get fat that they will leave them don't truly love their women.

[cerridwen]

If he truly loved you then he wouldn't care about your weight. My stbx is five feet six, and when I meet her she weight 140. 12 year later she was weighing almost 200. I didn't care about her weight I truly loved her no matter what. My stbx told me she didn't love me anymore also. Those guys that say to their women that if they get fat that they will leave them don't truly love their women.

 

You sound like a sweet person Soxfan.

 

OP, I'm glad you're getting the depression under control. I suspect IT may be a major factor in the break down of your relationship.

 

Depression effects your motivation to exercise of course. But, it will also make you irritable and more prone to arguing. It will zap your energy making you seem lazy and uninterested in things. Because you're not energized, weight stays on easier and sometimes one's personal appearance slides. And of course, Depression warps one's perception of things so it's important not to give into despondency--don't trust your *feelings* too much right now since they're out of whack.

 

Give your ex his space right now while you start caring for yourself. You need to be healthy and strong again then see where you are with things.

[Peppermynt]

Thank you. That was the best reply I have read. You sound like you truly understand what I am going through.

 

I am working very hard on myself. I started medication yesterday so hopefully that will help.

 

I havent talked to him since last Thursday and he has made no effort to talk to me. I have also not updated my facebook or commented on any of my friend's pages because I did not want him to see me on there at all. I was hoping he would be curious why I stopped everything on Thursday. We are on a cell phone plan together.. since we have been together for so long. I paid the bill on Monday.. I never pay the bill, I always put money into his checking account and he pays it. But I didnt want to break NC by telling him the money was in there. Well today being Wednesday he text me for the first time.. I had 2 new texts. He told me that it would be $200 to cancel my phone and that I would have to do it by the 8th. (We had discussed me canceling the day he left me.. when I was really upset). So I have no responded.. I am not sure if I should just wait it out.. I mean I have a few days before the 8th anyways..