I want her back when she's ready

[SoCal_Guy]

I'm here for advice, suggestions, ideas, etc.

 

I'll try to make a long story short … but it will be long. Sorry.

 

I met a girl through work about 18 months ago. We clicked right off the bat and I knew there was a chance of something more than casual friendship from the beginning. She had a boyfriend at the time I first met her, but they broke up a little more than a year ago. About a month later, we started seeing each other. Neither one of us was rushing into it, but it turned into a somewhat serious relationship quickly (within two months). I've dated other girls and she's dated other guys, but we both agreed we've never experienced the kind of chemistry we share with each other. It's hard to explain, but once you feel it you understand what connecting with your soul mate really is like.

 

Well, about four months into the relationship she asked for time to think about things. Plus, she thought she still had feelings for her last boyfriend. We both agreed we probably moved too quickly, but that's so hard to control when you're having fun with your SO. We kept in contact but did not see each other in person for more than a month. When we finally agreed to see each other again, there were the same sparks of when we first started hanging out all over again. I was worried she wouldn't feel the same way toward me, but she admitted she did. We started seeing each other again, and a week later she told me that she loved me and couldn't stop thinking about me the entire time apart. I felt the exact same way.

 

Fast forward to the last two months and two problems that we are trying to work through.

 

First, our age difference (I'm 10 years older - 35-25) has become an issue for her. She brought it up before but then decided that she didn't care. Now it freaks her out again. I really don't push this issue with her other than asking her to not let a number keep you from being with the one you want. I realize the more I bring it up or try to give her reasons on why age shouldn't matter, the more it will push her away.

 

Second, she now has feelings for another guy (not her ex). This hurts. She was honest with me about it once it came to light, but did hide it from me for a while. He didn't live in the same town until this month when he moved back (might be temporary). I thought I would get mad and freak out, but I didn't. I really care for her and love her, so I explained to her that I would not be "the other guy" but that I do understand things like this happen. I believe it's infatuation AND an opportunity for her to date a guy closer to her age.

 

Where I am right now … We do keep in contact through phone/email/text, and I try to give her the space, but it's tough. Really tough. I want her to be happy, but I honestly believe she is happiest with me despite our age difference. I can't get her off my mind. I try but it's next to impossible. I am very busy with work right now and I travel a lot, but she is on my mind nonstop.

 

I did get her Christmas gifts and half of that I purchased before we took this break. I thought hard about whether I should give them to her or not, but I decided to. I put about four or five of her favorite things (including a gift for her dog) in a box and I also made her a CD and wrote a letter that explained why each song on the CD was important to me about us. Sappy, I know. She loved the gifts (she opened by herself when I was out of town) and then texted me that the letter made her cry. She asked if I meant every word I wrote. I replied with "Of course, babe." In a nutshell, the letter was basically me telling her exactly how I feel and that I want her to be happy more than anything else, even if I'm not lucky enough to be a part of her happiness.

 

We've never even officially said goodbye to each other or anything like that. I've only seen her on four occasions in the past month - one of those was at my house where we clicked in each other's company all night long. We can't help it when we're around each other. It just feels right to both of us. I ask her if they are "together" and she skirts the answer. I ask her if we are done and she says "no" or "don't say that." Things just changed when this guy moved into town. I know they hang out and I think she wants to see where that goes, but I know I'm on her mind constantly. She now posts on her FB page that she wonders or is confused and she gives me hints in the same way. I assume it's me that's making her wonder or confusing her.

 

I want her back. I don't believe NC is right for our situation at all, but maybe it is. I already told her how I feel, but I feel like I'm just waiting for her to come back. So, I'm open for some ideas. What do I do? Give her space? Keep in touch like we have been? Go NC? Any advice is greatly appreciated and will be taken with an open mind.

[Graceful]

Hey SoCal, and Happy New Year.

 

Just have to get this out of the way, SoCal, so we can talk like adults, you know? But I don't believe in "soul mates" -- other than your mother right now, you don't have a soul mate. You might end up with your soul mate, but you can't say that until some day after you are with someone for 25 years, someone you will have shared your life with, someone "for better or worse", someone "for richer for poorer" and all that, but otherwise, you don't meet someone and call them your soul mate after a couple of months. Ok. Got that?

 

I've dated other girls and she's dated other guys, but we both agreed we've never experienced the kind of chemistry we share with each other. It's hard to explain, but once you feel it you understand what connecting with your soul mate really is like.

Now the way I see this, the "chemistry" is your brain that is in the lower part of your body. The brain I want you to use for the rest of this discussion is the one connected to the head that is connected to your neck.

 

Well, about four months into the relationship she asked for time to think about things. Plus, she thought she still had feelings for her last boyfriend. We both agreed we probably moved too quickly, but that's so hard to control when you're having fun with your SO. We kept in contact but did not see each other in person for more than a month.

Ok, I can live with this. But let's call the boyfriend part a "red flag". Agreed?

 

When we finally agreed to see each other again, there were the same sparks of when we first started hanging out all over again. I was worried she wouldn't feel the same way toward me, but she admitted she did. We started seeing each other again, and a week later she told me that she loved me and couldn't stop thinking about me the entire time apart. I felt the exact same way.

Let's call this the honeymoon phase, similar to the first month or two of the relationship that you got to relive b/c you were apart. Nothing more.

 

Fast forward to the last two months and two problems that we are trying to work through.

 

First, our age difference (I'm 10 years older - 35-25) has become an issue for her. She brought it up before but then decided that she didn't care. Now it freaks her out again.

Now I have no issue with age gaps. What the issue is boils down to where each person is in their life, and if they have shared goals for the future. If they feel they are headed in the direction that is right for them with regard to marriage and all that. If the timetable for all that is similar. If not, I don't care if there is an age gap or not, that's a problem.

 

Now this woman is telling you she's not in her comfort zone b/c of the age gap for some reason. That's her comfort zone. You could meet a 23-year old tomorrow who would be perfectly comfortable with you. What I am saying is that it's not just the age gap, it's HER FEELINGS about the age gap.

Another red flag. And a warning from her that his might be a deal breaker.

 

Second, she now has feelings for another guy (not her ex). This hurts. She was honest with me about it once it came to light, but did hide it from me for a while. He didn't live in the same town until this month when he moved back (might be temporary). I thought I would get mad and freak out, but I didn't. I really care for her and love her, so I explained to her that I would not be "the other guy" but that I do understand things like this happen. I believe it's infatuation AND an opportunity for her to date a guy closer to her age.

This fascinates me no end. You're belittling her feelings for another guy, calling it infatuation or a crush? And you think she needs to date a guy her own age? mmmm. On top of this, it's the second guy in the few months you've known her that she has "feelings for" while she is seeing you. She tells you. And you're ok with it. Very mature of you.

But for the sake of this discussion, let's call this another "red flag" -- Agreed.

 

Where I am right now … We do keep in contact through phone/email/text, and I try to give her the space, but it's tough. Really tough. I want her to be happy, but I honestly believe she is happiest with me despite our age difference.

Now are you saying she is dating the other guy and "keeping in touch" with you in between dates? Are you in the friend zone, the bull pen, or what?

 

I did get her Christmas gifts and half of that I purchased before we took this break. I thought hard about whether I should give them to her or not, but I decided to. I put about four or five of her favorite things (including a gift for her dog) in a box and I also made her a CD and wrote a letter that explained why each song on the CD was important to me about us. Sappy, I know.

No it was not sappy at all. I would love to get something like that. You love her and you wanted to give her holiday gifts, but you know there was something a little screwed up about going all out like that, since she's dating the other guy, right?

 

In a nutshell, the letter was basically me telling her exactly how I feel and that I want her to be happy more than anything else, even if I'm not lucky enough to be a part of her happiness.

You really are very mature. That's why I had to tell you to lose the "soul mate" thing, b/c that's something a kid would say, and you're an adult.

 

What do you want from this woman? Is she as confused as I am? Or are you the proverbial "nice guy" that gets taken advantage of, that gets blind-sided, that is in denial or what?

 

She's dating the other guy. You still see her in the friend zone, hoping for more again, right?

 

I ask her if they are "together" and she skirts the answer. I ask her if we are done and she says "no" or "don't say that." Things just changed when this guy moved into town.

I know they hang out and I think she wants to see where that goes, but I know I'm on her mind constantly.

Well, that is just tough luck for her, isn't it. Geez, man, have some self-respect and stop letting this woman jerk you around. She's an attention hog and you're feeding her with prime rib. You're not the main course, you're not even sure where you stand, she is dating another guy, she knows all she has to do is snap her finger and you'll appear. There are red flags waving at you all over the place. And I don't give a crap about FB, her wall, or her open-ended immature selfish updates. Do. Not. Care.

 

You said you are waiting for her to come back. Come back to what? You haven't left.

 

If she is too immature to know what she wants, then you have to let this one go. And it's not just her being 10 years younger than you, she sounds like she is just not ready to settle down and still wants to date and keep her options open. A guy as nice as you does not have to put up with this. I'd like to tell her off myself, but I can't. So will you do it for me?

 

Go NC? Any advice is greatly appreciated and will be taken with an open mind.

Yes, you have to cut this one loose. She knows how you feel. You don't have to repeat yourself. An ultimatum is not going to get you anywhere, so don't try one. Just tell her the truth, the arrangement you have isn't working for you, you want more, you wish it could have worked out, and you're out. Tell her to have a nice life. And, yes, go NC.

[2010_Sorry]

Hi SoCal, this girl seems like she enjoys the thrill of the chase... only wants things that she cannot have. Once she gets the object of her affection, she's over it.

 

Although a 10 year age difference at your ages isn't a huge deal, it sounds like she is a very immature 25 year old, at least when it comes to relationships.

 

I would walk away.... no, run.

[LifeIsGreat]

SoCalGuy....

 

The advice you have gotten here is spot on. I just want to add....

 

Please man up because I truly feel that you are being used as a safety net (even if she's doing it in a subconcience way).

 

If you don't go no contact right now you will be extremely sorry. It will be hard, but it's what you must do if you want to prove that you are deserving.

[SoCal_Guy]

Three replies for NC. I sensed this was coming and probably just needed to hear it from people with no bias toward this situation. I feel like this is where I should head, but should I say goodbye and/or explain what I need to do for myself to her first? I am not one for revenge or playing games, so I feel like I owe it to myself and us to communicate this to her first. We have a lot of each other's stuff, too, which is always difficult to sort out.

 

Graceful - thanks for taking the time to break everything down. I should say I brought all of these "red flags" up with her before and she has even brought up some. Neither one of us has been perfect and we both have baggage, but who doesn't? We are honest about this and we communicate very well with each other, so we've discussed all of these. She is completely over the first ex (they have zero contact now) and that hasn't been an issue since we got back together after the first break.

 

Maybe you and I have different definitions of "soul mate" but her and I connect. I was in a very serious relationship for four-plus years and never connected in this way nor in any of the other serious relationships I've had. That's why I'm so invested in this. I feel like I should at least make the effort to see if it will work out without being clingy or creepy, which I have NOT been. We keep in contact on about a 60/40 ratio (me being the former), so it's definitely not me begging (I actually have NOT done this yet, only revealing all of my true feelings in that letter). Yes, she is seeing this other guy but I don't think it's serious. I really don't know for sure, though. I feel like she would let me know if it was and we would have a true "breakup" if that was the case. Maybe I should just take control of this and let her go politely.

 

She enjoys the chase probably, but most girls do like to be chased. I'm not new to the dating game. This is different in that she pursued me first as far as seeing each other outside of work. I thought she was out of my league and wasn't really going to pursue it, but it just worked out that we bonded.

 

I do feel like a safety net or plan B sometimes, and when I feel that way I try to plan something different for this situation. However, I always end up back where I am, and that is wanting another chance when she's ready. I believe we have "it" and I'm not giving up. I guess all this advice can help me be assured that if I do go LC and then NC that if she still wants to pursue a relationship with me, she will. I just need people with experience besides family and friends to tell me what I really should do.

[homebrew]

I agree... The age gap isn't the problem. If she was into the whole I want to be single, have fun and experience life on my own thing... That would be the age gap problem rearing it's head.

 

It's a "I am just not into you" problem.

[seibert253]

Listen, you've made it crystal clear how you feel about her. What happens next is up to her. You need to give her the space she wishes.

 

IIWU, I'd call her one last time, tell her how much she means to you, and her happiness is all you want. If that requires her finding her happiness elsewhere, then you will honor this and never bother her again.

Then I'd go NC. If she loves you like you love her, her confused state will not last long, and she will come back.

If she doesn't come back, it's better you find out now what her true feelings and intentions are.

[Graceful]

If you want to call her your soul mate, don't let me be the one to stop you. I just think that it's clouding your vision. If you want to say that you have the deepest connection with her that you've ever had with a woman, that would be more accurate in my book. Maybe in California you jump to "soul mate" status faster than we do where I live where we are much harder to get to know.

 

Maybe you and I have different definitions of "soul mate" but her and I connect. I was in a very serious relationship for four-plus years and never connected in this way nor in any of the other serious relationships I've had. That's why I'm so invested in this.

You are invested. She is not. People who are invested do not go to their soul mate and say, "Hey, I like this other guy now, would you mind going away so I can date him, and give him a test drive?" Then, while they are doing that, they even take presents from you, while you are on the back burner, or in the bull pen, or where ever you go when she is out with him. She's got her investments in a varied portfolio. You know, aggressive (that's you), growth fund (that's the other guy), then there's the foreign funds for the guys who she doesn't know yet, but has saved a spot for in her portfolio.

 

I feel like I should at least make the effort to see if it will work out without being clingy or creepy, which I have NOT been.

That is your opinion. Mine won't matter because you won't listen to me anyway.

 

Yes, she is seeing this other guy but I don't think it's serious. I really don't know for sure, though.

I feel like she would let me know if it was and we would have a true "breakup" if that was the case. Maybe I should just take control of this and let her go politely.

Now what exactly is a "true" breakup? There are a lot of us on this website for the sole reason of trying to figure out what the heck happened to us because of a break up, and now you are saying there is such a thing as a "true" breakup and to my way of thinking, you could just pull the plug yourself, but you don't want to do that. So is she the only one who can make it a "true breakup" and otherwise, you're going to hang around?

 

I have no idea about the chase comment, your GF is certainly not chasing you and she's not chasing the other guy.

 

But she is chasing her tail, in case you didn't notice, I have.

 

I thought she was out of my league and wasn't really going to pursue it, but it just worked out that we bonded.

In what way did you think she was out of your league. Do you usually date women who are less mature than this? or more self-centered?

 

I believe we have "it" and I'm not giving up.

I just need people with experience besides family and friends to tell me what I really should do.

I haven't watched "Survivor" in years, in fact, the show is absolutely abominable, but I do like what they say when they vote someone out, what is it again ... "The tribe has spoken."

 

So if you come back to this website to tell us she is still jerking you around b/c you did not give up because of the "it" factor (sorry, is that something like the soul mate thing?), then all I can do is tell you to copy and paste my advice into a new window, b/c I have nothing more to offer you. But I'd really like to suggest once again to get yourself a nice new pair of running shoes, just in case.

[SoCal_Guy]

seibert253 - your response is what I'm looking for, I think, and what I've been tossing around doing for the past week or so. I just needed to hear this from someone who doesn't know us. Family and friends can be great support for times like this, but they also sometimes only tell you what they think you want to hear.

 

Graceful - you gave me a reality check. Thanks. I can tell you that if this was any of my other relationships, I would have told her adios and don't call me unless it is an emergency. This is different (not sure how to explain it on here) and I don't want to give up on it just yet despite all the "red flags" you brought up. Only time will tell what will happen, but if she really loves me and wants to pursue a relationship with me, she will come back. If not, then I have my answer.

 

I think I'm going to ask to talk to her in person or on the phone one last time when I get back home this week and just let her know what I need to do so that I can stop being so miserable. Hopefully, limiting the contact with her will help because this is an awful feeling.

[Movingthrough]

Hey SoCal,

 

Im not gonna lie, when i was reading this it reminded me a lot of my situation when it comes to the connection and her feelings being all over the place.

 

My ex broke it off with me when i was out of the country for work for months. I came back, she called, we talked, and feelings started to come back. BUT she was dating someone and playing it down, saying he was just a friend basically. I would wake up to texts and emails saying she missed me so much it hurt etc etc. I would respond basically saying we need to do something about it, and get no response back. Like you, i know her very well and i know she wasnt lying, im not saying its right but i think she very much felt torn. We have such good chemistry but it moved fast in the beginning and ended real fast too.

 

The million dollar question is can someone actually be with someone else but still look at you as the "one" soul mate whatever. Most would say if they arent making it happen with you, then its obvious. With me, she doesnt even live around here so there are a lot more factors. What i have learned is if she is telling you she feels for you, but is not with you, you have to go NC. I sent an email before i did it and just basically said i dont want to be "that guy" that is around when you are bored or something. Went NC, havent talked to her since.

 

I battle, like you are saying, the thought all the time of wow this is really going to end it, but what else can you do. Im going to almost bet that when you go NC she will come back pretty quick but as long as you are honest with what YOU want then you will be ok. Def. time for NC now though...

[Graceful]

Graceful - you gave me a reality check. Thanks. I can tell you that if this was any of my other relationships, I would have told her adios and don't call me unless it is an emergency. This is different (not sure how to explain it on here) and I don't want to give up on it just yet despite all the "red flags" you brought up. Only time will tell what will happen, but if she really loves me and wants to pursue a relationship with me, she will come back. If not, then I have my answer.

No problem, SoCal. And I didn't mean to sound flip with you, but I wanted to get through to you b/c you sound so nice.

 

I was serious, but I did kid you a bit, so I hope you don't mind.

 

You have to see this through so you won't have any regrets, I get it.

 

You are a sugar pie, and you deserve another sugar pie at the table with you. I don't want you to end up with someone who will trample on your feelings, that's all.

 

Good luck. And you can always take my advice out later if you need to, and I won't even say I told you so. I'm not like that. Love, Grace

[romanticandloyal]

this is my first post.. was directed to this site by a good friend of mine who recommended i just get it off my chest at some point when i am ready.. i just took a random name as i dont want this to track back to my real internet nick at some point.. i think after reading this and the points posted in response i will make my own thread soon about my situation, which is as complex as this one as i am also really hurting..

 

i did want to say this tho.. i also feel that my gf(or ex?) and I are soul mates .. that we arent meant for anyone else but each other - to paraphrase a quote.. but as with you i also really want her to be happy.. i mean that with all my heart even if its not with me, even though she just broke up with me yesterday which i guess is somewhat cleaner than what you are dealing with.. i am 33 and would like to think i am on a similar maturity level to you, so i can say this to you as humbly as possible without sounding too bitter about all i put into my relationship..

 

Soul mates are a wonderful thing or connecting on "that" level where there are no boundaries to what you could be together.. but if the other person hasnt or doesnt put in even as much effort you have(as you have which sounds alot like me - allin all the time), they are just there for the ride.. one day in a quiet moment they will realize what they have lost and whether you are there or not will be their loss to feel then.. not yours my unrequited friend.. i am sincerely sorry for your heartache as its hard not to know where you stand in matters of the heart, i can truly empathize and wish i had a quick fix for you and me.. the best thing we can do is let them be and carry on as best you can, its not easy i know.. cos the truth is that they need to figure themselves out before they can figure out how to be with someone else who loves them as deeply and unwaveringly as we both seem to do..

[SoCal_Guy]

Graceful - Again, your insight and advice has been exactly what I need. I was searching for ideas on what to do from people who really don't have a reason to just say something nice. Speaking of nice, I really am a nice guy (not bragging) and that's one of my faults, too. I probably allow myself to be taken advantage of, whether the other party intends to or not. I do have fears about all of this and what will come out of it, but it's all part of it. You can't be in love or in a relationship without the risks of having your heart broken. Yes, I do want her back but not at the expense of my self-worth or if we're just going to end up back here again.

 

I am 99.9% sure I'm going to enter NC very soon. I really think this might help me feel better about things and get through this tough time. I also believe it will help her figure things out. I understand the goal of NC is for my improvement, so Im not doing this to make her miss me or feel bad about what she's doing to me. If that happens (and I'm sure it will) so be it.

 

However, I've been back and forth all day about whether I should reach out to her first. I don't want to play games and I don't want her to think I am, so I need someone to tell me if explaining what I'm doing (and the proper method ... phone call, email, in-person?) before I break off contact? Or just start it now (actually haven't contacted her since Sunday morning) and if she contacts me, then decide? I have too much on my mind to think through this properly.

 

I'll keep everyone updated on how this goes if you're interested. I am so glad I found this site, yet upset I didn't find it sooner. It's comforting to know there really are other people out there who have gone through what I am going through right now and are willing to share their stories and advice.

[Graceful]

Graceful - Again, your insight and advice has been exactly what I need. I was searching for ideas on what to do from people who really don't have a reason to just say something nice.

I don't have a reason other than I saw your post and could tell right away you were a very sincere person. So that was my motivation to give you a little bit of a hard time, and be a little flip with my reality check for you. I thought you could take it, and again, am very glad to know it helped you.

 

Speaking of nice, I really am a nice guy (not bragging) and that's one of my faults, too. I probably allow myself to be taken advantage of, whether the other party intends to or not.

Yes, I do want her back but not at the expense of my self-worth or if we're just going to end up back here again.

Glad to hear that because you can't trade in your self worth and think you can have any type of relationship.

 

You have done all that you can, just by being you, and if that's not enough for her, then there isn't more you can do.

 

I understand the goal of NC is for my improvement, so Im not doing this to make her miss me or feel bad about what she's doing to me. If that happens (and I'm sure it will) so be it.

 

However, I've been back and forth all day about whether I should reach out to her first. I don't want to play games and I don't want her to think I am, so I need someone to tell me if explaining what I'm doing (and the proper method ... phone call, email, in-person?) before I break off contact? Or just start it now (actually haven't contacted her since Sunday morning) and if she contacts me, then decide?

Since you feel so much at limbo with her, and since you are on good terms, you need to reach out to her.

 

If she's ok with seeing you, then try to set up a casual way to see her, not a date, just ask if you can drop by her place. Don't plan a big speech, just tell her what you said here. You need to go NC for your own good and to give her space and you don't want her to think you are blowing her off rudely. That's not your style.

Ask her if she is willing to put a timeframe, let's say a month, as to when you can talk again. Tell her you're willing to wait, but of course, you can't wait forever. Don't get all mushy or weepy, be yourself, but don't go over board.

If she can't see you, then you'll have to do it by phone. I would not recommend an email.

I'll keep everyone updated on how this goes if you're interested. I am so glad I found this site, yet upset I didn't find it sooner.

If you would like to keep us updated, I would be more than happy to be on the lookout if you bump your post up with an update. So please do.

Best of luck, and hang in there. You can never go wrong with being honest and true to yourself.

[SoCal_Guy]

Just an update …

 

We agreed to see each other yesterday, but those plans fell through because of work responsibilities for both of us. So, we are going to try again today or tomorrow. I am ready to let her know that I am going NC and it's to help me, not get a reaction out of her.

 

However, we exchanged some texts last night that I regret. I got frustrated again and it ended up annoying her. I don't regret the things I said, but I do regret the manner in which I said them. This needed to be done in person and I wish I could go back in time. What can you do?

 

Now, this morning it hit me … I need to go NC. It is for my benefit. I don't like the way I act sometimes and even though this is going to be tough — I'm so used to her being a part of my almost-daily communications — I know this is what I need to do to get better. My greatest fear now is if I see her and her dog again today or tomorrow, I don't want it to be goodbye, but I know it may be. Why is this so tough?

[blover]

it is so tough because we are the ones who put in all the effort and saw a future together.

The pain is partially because of the loss of the person but big time because of the broken dreams.

[suddendumpee]

Your situation is so much luck mine it's freaky. I also met my ex through work. 6 years age difference not ten. We worked for the same company but in different states. We exchanged FB info. I'm an attractive person, but this girl just blew me away. I don't believe in "out of my league", but it felt that way. Probably more like...if I could design the perfect girl for me, THIS would be it...although my friend would just say "out of my league" haha. Perfect 10 face/body, Maxim Magazine, plus girl next door all rolled into one.

 

The first time I saw a picture of her, the though crossed my mind "I would marry this girl right now, even before she opens her mouth." haha. We met in person at a meeting. She was the one to approach me romantically. I thought "is this really happening? It must be fate." As the story unfolds, it turns out that she has a personality to match her looks. I've never "clicked" with anyone so quickly. I felt like I'd known her my whole life, we were instantly best friends. Now to the sex...I don't even want to think about it Let's just say, she was "gifted".

 

I felt like the stars were aligning for me. I have a great family, great friends, great job, and a great house. I've worked hard my whole life and the only thing that I was missing was "the one". I have seen so many of my friends settle, that I refused to do so. Finally I found the last piece of my life's puzzle, and I would live happily ever after. Right?

 

Unfortunately no. Instead you are taught one of life's most valuable lessons. If you feel someone is "out of your league" you will invariably put them on a pedestal so high, that they can only look down on you. If you feel someone is your "soul-mate" you will walk on egg-shells so as not to cause waves, piss them off, rock the boat (ie. you will let them walk all over you). You will not take a stand.

 

I also ignored many red-flags, and "gut-feelings" under the mis-guided thought that giving somebody your undying love, trust, and affection should be enough...She denied dating others, but we were LDR and some things happened that caused me to doubt if this were true. Let's just say, she didn't go out of her way to make me feel secure in the status of our relationship. She was also concerned of the age difference. She was concerned that all my friends were married with kids, and what that meant about my social life (understandably). When we were out, she would ask people how old they thought I was, and appeared relieved when people would guess 27 or 28 (I'm 32). She had major concerns over our working together, and insisted we keep it a secret from co-workers (again I understood this).

 

The lesson to be learned is that understanding something DOES NOT mean it's not an issue. There was a point where she told me she was torn between progressing with me, or living the single life. She said she felt she was missing out when her friends would go out. THIS IS IMPORTANT. IF ANYTHING HITS YOU IN THE MESSAGE, LET IT BE THIS...When she told me this, I suggested that maybe we should cool things for a bit (ie. not talk as much (not at all for 2 weeks), and possibly even date other people). I told her I felt as if I was holding her back, and I didn't want that. She was COMPLETELY taken back, got teary eyed etc...I could read her thoughts: "Wait a minute, I thought I had this guy wrapped around my finger! How can HE be saying this to ME? NOBODY does this to me! I'm too pretty! Too perfect! I do the breaking up!"

 

The next morning I receive a sweet message from her. Blaming everything on her hormones. She knows she wants me in her life, doesn't want to lose me, cares very deeply for me yadda, yadda. I cave on the 2 weeks NC and we fall right back in to place. More red-flags are raised over the next 2 months, but it seems the signs that things are moving forward outweigh the red-flags, so I am blind (by choice). I will be meeting her family, she bought me tickets for a cruise, gave me a key to her apt. etc...

 

7 days after giving me her apt. key (which was only used once), and 3 days before our cruise, out of the blue, she ends the r/l citing "needing space" and "time alone". Turns out she already has another man on deck. That's a whole other story but feel free to get the details from my other threads.

 

So the bottom line is this. Soul-mateS is PLURAL. If only one of you is feeling this, then is is nothing more than intense physical chemistry, sexual chemistry, and a lack of confidence that makes you feel that you will never be able to do better. There is not a day that goes by where I don't wonder that if I would have stuck to my word of NC, TOOK A STAND, and acted like a man, if we would still be together today. She would have been forced to confront her feeling of the relationship BEFORE she had a replacement on deck. Instead, all I did was segway her in to a new relationship. She wanted to be out, but on HER CLOCK, not mine.

 

So what do you have to do? You have to realize what you did to lose her attraction. You think she is a "soul-mate". STOP IT! You think she is "out of your league". STOP IT. You are being her safety net. STOP IT! She sees right through this. She sees you as the one who will always be there waiting and this is NOT ATTRACTIVE. Use your head for a second and think how your ex acts about other things. Put the red-flags aside and lets look for some GREEN-flags. I'm betting she is an attention whore, who likes it when she turns heads. I'm betting that when you don't return her texts right away, it DRIVES HER NUTS, and she thinks something is wrong. When she calls you and you don't return the call in 15 minutes, you get a text "whatcha doin?" She is used to you being there for her. The proverbial "having her cake and eating it too". Why should she change? She hasn't even been forced to confront what life would be like without you. All you are doing now is making her transition in to her new relationship easier. She gets all the benefits you bring to her, while the new guy ramps up to become a more serious prospect, then YOU'RE OUT my friend.

 

I speak from experience. Find and read my last thread. NC works ESPECIALLY well on these types of poeple. When they realize you are no longer there, YOU become the challenge again, and the new guy becomes boring. The thoughts of "Why isn't he calling me/emailing me back!" WILL take a toll on the new relationship...in one way or another. The more "mind share" you have with someone, the more attraction increases. I have had moments of weakness. I have come to these boards and received some great advice. I now know that this is the only way. You MUST be realistic though:

 

Now the hard part. NC does not mean, that you disappear for a week, she comes crying back, you immediately take her back and expect to live happily ever after. The r/l have to reignite on YOUR CLOCK and YOUR TERMS, and much further down the road. You have to have the strength to say "I have to move on. Maybe in the future things will be different. Please don't contact me again. I'll contact you when I'm ready to talk." This puts the ball in your court, and keeps her thinking "I wonder when he will call?" Well its going to be a long time. AFTER you have stopped obsessing over her, idealizing her, and you have become as physically fit as a triathlete. AFTER you find yourself to be just as happy as a single man, as you were with her. If you rush this YOU WILL fail. You will push her a way again. She has to feel like she is adding to your already full life, not filling in an empty spot.

 

Lastly: NC will NOT guarantee your ex will return, but what you are doing RIGHT NOW will guarantee that they WILL NOT return. DO NOT segway your ex into a happy r/l with the new guy.

 

The choice is yours.

Edited January 8, 2011 by suddendumpee

[Movingthrough]

Unfortunately no. Instead you are taught one of life's most valuable lessons. If you feel someone is "out of your league" you will invariably put them on a pedestal so high, that they can only look down on you. If you feel someone is your "soul-mate" you will walk on egg-shells so as not to cause waves, piss them off, rock the boat (ie. you will let them walk all over you). You will not take a stand.

 

I also ignored many red-flags, and "gut-feelings" under the mis-guided thought that giving somebody your undying love, trust, and affection should be enough...She denied dating others, but we were LDR and some things happened that caused me to doubt if this were true. Let's just say, she didn't go out of her way to make me feel secure in the status of our relationship. She was also concerned of the age difference. She was concerned that all my friends were married with kids, and what that meant about my social life (understandably). When we were out, she would ask people how old they thought I was, and appeared relieved when people would guess 27 or 28 (I'm 32). She had major concerns over our working together, and insisted we keep it a secret from co-workers (again I understood this).

 

 

This right here literally explains everything and i think is 90% of the reason us guys are in the situation we are in. The girls get the hint that we like them and want to move forward. That almost puts them in this situation like ahh is that what i want? The problem is, they know they have something good and dont want to just drop it out of the blue so they push and then pull the plug.

 

 

I think the reason NC is so hard is because we know we are ending it, and in our heads it is over. Reality has shown that most of them come back but i can admit it hit me the other day pretty hard too. I woke up and and was like wow this could really be over and i really may not be with her ever again. Fact is we cant be in a mindset of it being over or not, we have to just move on and not care...so much easier said then done. I cant even count how many red flags there was in mine, cheated on her previous husband more then once, was willing to do it with me, and was also willing to do it again with her new guy BUT in my head i was the "one" and it didnt matter. Cant think like that.

 

I have had anxiety issues my whole life and i hold on to things for too long, so recently i have gone to a therapist and its funny because the first thing he brought up in the session was red flags and how many i saw before hand. The pedestal effect is a killer and has to be controlled...

[suddendumpee]

The pedestal effect

 

I like it. Post coming soon. Haha.

[Graceful]

If you want to read my comments on the "soul mates" issue, they are in this thread. I tried to kid around a little bit, but I don't believe in soul mates, not instant soul mates anyhow. You know you've found your soul mate many years down the road. That is when you know the person is your soul mate.

When people touch each others' souls, if you believe it can happen, the depth of the connection isn't fully realized for a very long time. That's the way I see it anyhow.

 

However, we exchanged some texts last night that I regret. I got frustrated again and it ended up annoying her. I don't regret the things I said, but I do regret the manner in which I said them. This needed to be done in person and I wish I could go back in time. What can you do?

I need to go NC. It is for my benefit. I don't like the way I act sometimes and even though this is going to be tough

 

I know this is what I need to do to get better.

SoCal,

It hurt me to see that you had a heated exchange with her, but what's done is done.

 

I hope this highlights the critical nature of NC. I know in my own experience, having any contact at all was like poison. We all seem to learn this the hard way.

 

See how much that contact hurt? Lesson learned.

 

My greatest fear now is if I see her and her dog again today or tomorrow, I don't want it to be goodbye, but I know it may be. Why is this so tough?

Actually, I am sorry to say this, but it's tough because you have pro-longed saying goodbye. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes.

 

SoCal, I cannot emphasize this enough. When you see her, make it SHORT AND SWEET. Make your interaction very, very concise. Don't ask her any questions. Don't tell her how you have been. NO small talk.

 

Just tell her that because you are a respectful person, you wanted to tell her that you can't and won't communicate with her and need to keep NC from here on in. Make a boundary. Tell her not to contact you unless she intends to fully break off with the new guy and commit to giving your relationship a real try. If she can't do it, then she is not to contact you for anything else.

 

If you no longer feel you want a r/l with her at all (I'm not sure), then put a boundary up and tell her not to contact you PERIOD. I don't know if you have much if any hope left. And I am sorry for that. I really care about you.

 

She is a very high risk person. Read over this thread for a reality check.

Good luck. Take care.

[suddendumpee]

If you need to make this easier, just tell yourself this is THE ONLY WAY you will ever get her back. This is the truth. IF it's going to happen, this is the only way. Quite possibly, after time passes, you will either get her back, or realize that you don't need her. Either way, you win.

[SoCal_Guy]

I continue to be amazed by the support I find in these forums. Seriously. I wish I would have found this a long time ago. Graceful, your advice has actually helped to clear my mind through this. I cannot thank you enough. Are you a professional? I feel like I'm getting free therapy

 

I wouldn't describe the text exchange as "heated" but I steered the conversation from casual talk about a recent promotion she got at her job — which I am very happy about — to us. She didn't really want to get into it at that time, but I didn't stop. She finally told me that she didn't want to stress over this and neither should I. So I said good night. Nothing bad was said by either of us, but it just wasn't a good time to discuss it I guess.

 

Today will be the day I talk with her. If we can't meet up I will call her tonight and explain that I'm going NC. I feel like I have found the strength to do this now.

[SoCal_Guy]

Just an update for those of you have been following this thread …

 

We finally found a little bit of time to talk about things today and it was very civil and respectful. The disappointing part for me (and maybe some of you) is that we did not discuss cutting off contact with each other, but we did agree to leave each other alone for a couple of weeks, which I guess is going LC. The timing is due to our jobs - we are both very, very busy right now. She works long hours in a VERY stressful career and I work odd hours and travel a lot this time of year. It's tough for us to find time to even get together or talk without texting or emailing, so that's been our main way of communicating.

 

We decided to give each other a break from communicating about anything serious through the end of this month, and when our jobs get back to normal we will sit down and talk about things. I didn't feel it was fair to enter into a deep conversation about us right now. Neither one of our heads are clear - hers due to work and mine due to being what I feel like is abandoned for another guy.

 

I really hope this is the right path to take in this situation. I feel I am being a bit too unselfish, but the real me shows up in her presence and I just can't help it. Only time will tell what will happen in February. In the meantime, it's going to be a LONG two or three weeks for me. I just need to keep myself busy with work and friends and then read/post on LS when I get the inkling to text or call her.

 

(EDIT) I forgot to add that earlier this week I did tell her on the phone that I wanted to meet up with her in person about something important. That didn't happen until today due to work and when I started talking about us, she was interrupted by an emergency from work. Good or bad timing? Anyway, when she got off the phone, she explained that she understood we needed to have a serious talk and that she didn't feel like it would be fair to do it right now with so much on her mind. I didn't agree at first, but when I started to talk about saying goodbye and all that, she got upset. I then decided I didn't want to begin a conflict at the moment because I thought her stress from work would skew the discussion. So, I am waiting the 2-3 weeks. It's disappointing, but I feel it's the proper thing to do.

Edited January 15, 2011 by SoCal_Guy

[Graceful]

Just an update for those of you have been following this thread …

 

We finally found a little bit of time to talk about things today and it was very civil and respectful. The disappointing part for me (and maybe some of you) is that we did not discuss cutting off contact with each other, but we did agree to leave each other alone for a couple of weeks, which I guess is going LC. The timing is due to our jobs

SoCal,

I saw your thread recently, but it slipped by the day I saw it, so I wanted to get back to you anyhow, as I am not sure when you will return for an update.

 

Despite the fact you know where I stand, and you also know that I have only given you advice b/c I don't want to see you get hurt any more than necessary, I appreciate your coming back and updating honestly.

 

You have to have clearance in your own mind, so no matter what happens, you know you did what was right for you, even it this turns out to be the long goodbye.

 

We decided to give each other a break from communicating about anything serious through the end of this month, and when our jobs get back to normal we will sit down and talk about things. I didn't feel it was fair to enter into a deep conversation about us right now.

Of course, you are being very understanding and fair, and if she is being respectful to keep her end of the bargain, then that is at least something.

 

I didn't agree at first, but when I started to talk about saying goodbye and all that, she got upset. I then decided I didn't want to begin a conflict at the moment because I thought her stress from work would skew the discussion. So, I am waiting the 2-3 weeks. It's disappointing, but I feel it's the proper thing to do

All there is to say about this is that I am sure she does not want to say good bye b/c she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. So please remember, no matter what you do, you can't stay in limbo so she can keep you on the back burner, you're too good for that, and when people do that sort of thing, it is extremely selfish. If she cares for you, she will let you go and wish you well, she will want you to find someone who can really love you. That is what she would do. If she continues to try to string you along, that is a clear indication she does not care about you. Hope you can see that for what it is.

 

SoCal, I wish I lived in SoCal right now ... it is freezing where I live, snow all week and more to come. Roads filthy, cars filthy, my jacket is filthy ... so life is kind of cold, dark and dirty around here!! I guess we all have a cross to bear in one way or another. W/B. I miss you.

[SoCal_Guy]

An update for everyone …

 

We (mostly me) decided to go NC on Thursday of last week. This was after a not-so-fun conversation on Wednesday night. We hadn't seen each other for about three weeks, but met up three times in a four or five day span. It probably wasn't a good idea looking back now. I don't want to get into details, but it became obvious I cannot be just friends or companions with her right now due to my very strong feelings for her. She doesn't get that, and that's why the conversation wasn't pleasant. Trying to explain why not being friends right now isn't fair to either one of us or the new guy she's seeing but won't be honest with me about did not get through to her. All I can do is try, right? The next morning, I took the lead and asked her to give us space and time apart with no contact. She agreed … or so I thought.

 

Well guess who texts me Friday morning to ask me some trivial question? Yep. Stupid me responded about 10 minutes later because the question was not personal and easy to answer without showing any emotions — with the word "no"

 

Thought I was done and back to NC, but guess who texts me Saturday night with another trivial question? You guessed it. I answered, because again this was nothing personal and I could send a reply back and see if she was doing this just to see if I would ignore her or not. She responded back but I left it at that, but it was hard to not send something back to her to ask her not to contact me unless it was very important. I slept on it.

 

It was very hard to sleep thinking about things. As a result, I sent her an email on Sunday (yesterday) asking her to please commit to time and space apart with no contact unless there is an emergency (I do care for her and would be there if the situation called for it …*I'm not evil). I did not get rude with her at all and I actually explained why I was doing this - for both of us. No response from her yet, but I'm not really expecting one. I put the ball in her court, so to speak, but now I feel like I have more control and I actually felt a little more like my old self at work today. It's a strange feeling, but I feel like a little bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

However, as I sit alone at my house and read through this forum again tonight, all I can do is think about her and the situation. It is beyond frustrating for so many reasons, but I have come to realize it all boils down to this — I want to be with her, but she does not want to be with me. Is that temporary or forever? No one knows, but I need to to wrk toward moving on and let fate handle that. Easier said than done!

 

I know that will take time to get past these feelings, but I am proud of myself for not caving in to find some lame excuse to contact her today. It's not easy at all and I wonder when (if?) it will get easier, but I know from reading this and the other popular website about relationships that I am going to begin healing very soon (I hope).

 

Graceful — I wish I lived in SoCal, too, but I'm only from there. I live in Central Texas now and it's about to turn really cold (relatively speaking for us) tomorrow. Your advice has been spot on so far. I'm indebted to you for your positive, yet candid posts. THANK YOU.