Separated under the same roof.. 2 children..

[Thx55]

Hello

My wife and i have recently separated. Her choice although i can say we are both unhappy. I'm willing to work on our relationship However it's been a struggle for the past 2 years. After our daughter was born we struggled to maintain a friendship. We lived in a negative world and I dwelled on it with sadness while she dwelled with anger and frustration. I am 34 she is 25. Our daughter is 2 and as of march 2009 became legal guardians for our 11 yr old nephew. He had a rough life and we took him in even with the struggles financially and emotionally we were having. We have been married for 3 yrs 6 os. Have gone through a lot. Family problems, bankruptcy etc. We have fought through it all together. But lost each other in the process. I love my wife we share the same dreams. But we've neglected to show each other over the years. As of December 6th she was basically done. Not wanting to live a life of unhappiness she said we should be done. It's been a rough month for me. We can't afford for either one of us to leave really. She is in school until April. After she graduates I guess I'll leave the home because she feels shell be able to handle it financially. I don't want to be away from my kids. It kills me. For awhile we were just going with the flow. We sleep in the same bed although I've been trying to pull away from that. In my attempts she'll text message me that she wants me to sleep in the bed but doesn't want it to bother me?

99% of the time our 2 year old is in bed with us. Last Sunday we got into a fight about the house situation and she threatened to throw me out. I told her I wasn't going anywhere. I left for about an hour and came back. Still ended up sleeping in the bed that night? She gets incredibly angry and reacts. Hell she even told me to get in the shower with her that Monday? Nothing sexual happened but she doesn't want to be with me? It's been a rollercoaster of emotions. She expresses to me that she doesn't love me anymore and she has misses the Man she fell in love with. My communication skills have been awful for years. I take a lot of blame for this. I'm very good hearted and loving I would never hurt a fly or cheat. I'm lost. It's hard to deal with the anger rages and frustration. She can lose it at the drop of a hat. Very particular with things. She hasn't persued getting any help for it. I don't know. She wants a divorce she has said I'm just trying to become a more positive person in all

this and hope one day to be with my family again. One day at a time. Maybe I'm just getting too many mixed singnals and hoping for the best.

[hopesndreams]

It's a shame when some marriages do not become stronger with the stress life throws at them. All it takes is one to throw up their hands and say "I'm done!" Usually, as in 99% of the time, when someone says this and then follows up with "I don't love you anymore", a 3rd party, an interloper, plays a part.

[sirweasles]

I would try getting help for you first you have to be full and healthy to be worth anything to her. It sounds to me like she isnt ready to call it quits but she needs you back. A sad deppressed you is not helping granted she needs to get help too but right now thats her issue you deal with your self get your self back and dont move out unless it becomes a must your wife sounds like she is still deeply in love with you just frusterated. It is hard to deal with a person who just isnt happy it pulls everybody elses moods down my guess is that your wife has been suffering from post pardom and you keep dragging her back down. find a hobbie that you enjoy start goin out and making new friends but always keep your wife envolved as much as she will be. If you want this to work you need to get possative and remember it took along time to get to where you are now it is probably going to take along time to get back have patients and move your relationship at her speed dont accuse or snoop if you make her defensive you have just put a major road block in front of you. also you will here from others on this site that she is stepping out on you. You know your wife they dont don t let it get to your head it will make it alot harder to get your self better

[Thx55]

Thank you for the response. I certainly agree and have been diligently working on being a more positive person. I think I've become more positive than my wife has this past year. She took on a lot. We both did. We brought another child Ito our lives. School is demanding. She started her own business. It was difficult for her being here with the kids while I worked. I worked 2nd shift up until June of this 2010. We haven't had much support as far as my family is concerned my wife and mother don't get along. Haven't for years. Part of ke knows that my wife really misses the idea of family bonds etc with members of my own family. I don't know.

I'm working myself and focusing on my kids. I'm fearful of losing them it's tough to swallow that part of a divorce. Not waking up With my daughter everyday kills me. Things are so confusing. I walk around here like I would on any other day. I've attempted to sleep in a separate room and here I lay I. Our bed. Maybe I'm trying to appreciate these moments. Hell I don't know. I've always felt damned if I do damned if I don't with my wife lately. Everyday is different. I hope for positive days. Feel like there Isnt much I can do other than better my own life for myself and the kids.

Not sure how this is supposed to work. Am I to sleep in our bed together until the day I move out? Am I to turn my face to not see my wife dress. It doesn't bother her. Like none of it does half the time? Don't get it. I know I've done wrong too. We've had fights before that havent resulted in this.

Everyone is hopeful, her family mine. Time will only tell I guess.

[robf1971]

It's a shame when some marriages do not become stronger with the stress life throws at them. All it takes is one to throw up their hands and say "I'm done!" Usually, as in 99% of the time, when someone says this and then follows up with "I don't love you anymore", a 3rd party, an interloper, plays a part.

 

Totally agree

[robf1971]

It's hard to deal with the anger rages and frustration. She can lose it at the drop of a hat. .

 

Ok ,I've lived with this crap behaviour before, your wife clearly doesn't respect you, you need to pull some of that back.

 

When she flies into a rage at you it is emotional abuse, her way of staying in control. Next time she flies off the handle at you hold your hand up in front of you and say "If you have something you want to talk to me about please say it in a polite and civil manner, until then this conversation is over" then just walk away

 

Be warned she will go crazy but you just walk away and ignore her ranting. It's the shock that you are finally gaining back control over her. you are reacting cooly and camly. I guarantee you after a few days of this she will be a lot more respectful. You need to be calm and firm, not reactive.

 

My wife lost her temper in front of me with the kids, I told her "please don't speak to me in that tone it makes me feel disrespected" 10 minutes later she comes in and apologises to me. It works!!

[robf1971]

Hello

My wife and i have recently separated. Her choice although i can say we are both unhappy. I'm willing to work on our relationship However it's been a struggle for the past 2 years. After our daughter was born we struggled to maintain a friendship. We lived in a negative world and I dwelled on it with sadness while she dwelled with anger and frustration. I am 34 she is 25. Our daughter is 2 and as of march 2009 became legal guardians for our 11 yr old nephew. He had a rough life and we took him in even with the struggles financially and emotionally we were having. We have been married for 3 yrs 6 os. Have gone through a lot. Family problems, bankruptcy etc. We have fought through it all together. But lost each other in the process. I love my wife we share the same dreams. But we've neglected to show each other over the years. As of December 6th she was basically done. Not wanting to live a life of unhappiness she said we should be done. It's been a rough month for me. We can't afford for either one of us to leave really. She is in school until April. After she graduates I guess I'll leave the home because she feels shell be able to handle it financially. I don't want to be away from my kids. It kills me. For awhile we were just going with the flow. We sleep in the same bed although I've been trying to pull away from that. In my attempts she'll text message me that she wants me to sleep in the bed but doesn't want it to bother me?

99% of the time our 2 year old is in bed with us. Last Sunday we got into a fight about the house situation and she threatened to throw me out. I told her I wasn't going anywhere. I left for about an hour and came back. Still ended up sleeping in the bed that night? She gets incredibly angry and reacts. Hell she even told me to get in the shower with her that Monday? Nothing sexual happened but she doesn't want to be with me? It's been a rollercoaster of emotions. She expresses to me that she doesn't love me anymore and she has misses the Man she fell in love with. My communication skills have been awful for years. I take a lot of blame for this. I'm very good hearted and loving I would never hurt a fly or cheat. I'm lost. It's hard to deal with the anger rages and frustration. She can lose it at the drop of a hat. Very particular with things. She hasn't persued getting any help for it. I don't know. She wants a divorce she has said I'm just trying to become a more positive person in all

this and hope one day to be with my family again. One day at a time. Maybe I'm just getting too many mixed singnals and hoping for the best.

 

Dude,

 

All this talk of leaving the bed and the house is acting like a wuss. She wants to leave, she should be on the couch you be a man and stay in your home. she will respect that a lot more.

 

Again forget about her finances, if she wants to leave that's her problem, she will need to put on Big Girl Panties and make her own way in the world. You also need to lawyer up and find out what your rights are as to child custody.

[What_Next]

post deleted

Edited January 11, 2011 by What_Next
posted to the wrong thread

[bugaha]

I'm in the same camp, different story but we share some similarities. My wife is acting like she wants to work on this but the separation kills me. Concentrate on making positive changes in your life and making every interaction with her positive. Right now I'm doing my best to change my life for the better, and have as much quality time as I can with my kids.

[Thx55]

thank you all for your posts. The more i read and reflect i know that this relationship needs a lot of work. Its been an uncomfortable situation for awhile and i can't fix it on my own. often i feel like it is all in my hands. Sometimes i don't think being with her is the best option anymore. The love i have for her obviously is very sincere and ultimately i want it to work. I am staying in the house. I am sleeping in our bed. There is no serious affection with each other. hugs here and there kisses on the cheek. ill rub her back. what the hell am i supposed to do? say screw it, you don't want this anyway, im outta here? Feel like its a game sometimes but i take it very seriously. i don;t want this family to break up obviously. Im just lost in this experience. We are just being at the moment. she is doing her thing im trying to do mine. the kids are the priority to me. its exhausting. she said I have caused her mental and emotional anguish over the past two years trying to talk to me and get me to better communicate with her. I can't argue the communication as ive said before. ive put myself in the ground since we got pregnant. everything came before me. i accepted that. had a family to take care of etc. but i stopped caring for myself in a sense.. i need to and am working on getting that back. I have seen people separate and live together and what not. but its weird to not have any intention or motivation to reconcile. or try too. my wife seems content in her decisions as to us ending so why does she except our relationship now. maybe im making a bigger deal out of it than i should. sleeping in the bed? showering together? she still undresses in front of me? dinner together? what am i missing? am i in the twilight zone? is she waiting to see this change in me? she talks of moving out of state at times. which is something we had dreamed about together. i don't know. i guess i should just go with the flow try and remain positive even though my marriage is ending?? work on myself and spend as much time with the kids. i don't know where any of this is going or if im doing the right thing. so many thoughts....

[robf1971]

thank you all for your posts. The more i read and reflect i know that this relationship needs a lot of work. Its been an uncomfortable situation for awhile and i can't fix it on my own. often i feel like it is all in my hands. Sometimes i don't think being with her is the best option anymore. The love i have for her obviously is very sincere and ultimately i want it to work. I am staying in the house. I am sleeping in our bed. There is no serious affection with each other. hugs here and there kisses on the cheek. ill rub her back. what the hell am i supposed to do? say screw it, you don't want this anyway, im outta here? Feel like its a game sometimes but i take it very seriously. i don;t want this family to break up obviously. Im just lost in this experience. We are just being at the moment. she is doing her thing im trying to do mine. the kids are the priority to me. its exhausting. she said I have caused her mental and emotional anguish over the past two years trying to talk to me and get me to better communicate with her. I can't argue the communication as ive said before. ive put myself in the ground since we got pregnant. everything came before me. i accepted that. had a family to take care of etc. but i stopped caring for myself in a sense.. i need to and am working on getting that back. I have seen people separate and live together and what not. but its weird to not have any intention or motivation to reconcile. or try too. my wife seems content in her decisions as to us ending so why does she except our relationship now. maybe im making a bigger deal out of it than i should. sleeping in the bed? showering together? she still undresses in front of me? dinner together? what am i missing? am i in the twilight zone? is she waiting to see this change in me? she talks of moving out of state at times. which is something we had dreamed about together. i don't know. i guess i should just go with the flow try and remain positive even though my marriage is ending?? work on myself and spend as much time with the kids. i don't know where any of this is going or if im doing the right thing. so many thoughts....

 

Stop trying to read stuff into each and everyone of her actions, stop trying to read her mind.

[robf1971]

thank you all for your posts. The more i read and reflect i know that this relationship needs a lot of work. Its been an uncomfortable situation for awhile and i can't fix it on my own. often i feel like it is all in my hands. Sometimes i don't think being with her is the best option anymore. The love i have for her obviously is very sincere and ultimately i want it to work. I am staying in the house. I am sleeping in our bed. There is no serious affection with each other. hugs here and there kisses on the cheek. ill rub her back. what the hell am i supposed to do? say screw it, you don't want this anyway, im outta here? Feel like its a game sometimes but i take it very seriously. i don;t want this family to break up obviously. Im just lost in this experience. We are just being at the moment. she is doing her thing im trying to do mine. the kids are the priority to me. its exhausting. she said I have caused her mental and emotional anguish over the past two years trying to talk to me and get me to better communicate with her. I can't argue the communication as ive said before. ive put myself in the ground since we got pregnant. everything came before me. i accepted that. had a family to take care of etc. but i stopped caring for myself in a sense.. i need to and am working on getting that back. I have seen people separate and live together and what not. but its weird to not have any intention or motivation to reconcile. or try too. my wife seems content in her decisions as to us ending so why does she except our relationship now. maybe im making a bigger deal out of it than i should. sleeping in the bed? showering together? she still undresses in front of me? dinner together? what am i missing? am i in the twilight zone? is she waiting to see this change in me? she talks of moving out of state at times. which is something we had dreamed about together. i don't know. i guess i should just go with the flow try and remain positive even though my marriage is ending?? work on myself and spend as much time with the kids. i don't know where any of this is going or if im doing the right thing. so many thoughts....

 

Let her be the one to bring up any relationship talks, let her be the one to initiate any affection.

[robf1971]

she said I have caused her mental and emotional anguish over the past two years trying to talk to me and get me to better communicate with her. I can't argue the communication as ive said before. ive put myself in the ground since we got pregnant. ..

 

They will always rewrite history and put the blame on you. Fact is though you're both to blame for your marriage getting to this point.

 

Should you learn how to communicate better? hell yeah. You need to do this for yourself though. It might or might not win you're wife back but will make you a better and happier person. If you are into the passive aggressive behaviour, it turns off women big time, you need to learn how to stop that.

 

This is going to be a really long process, I'm 5 months into my situation, my wife wanted out, she now is working on the marriage with me. All I'm saying is that things can and do change but the only thing you can control is yourself.

[comethemorning]

it's been a struggle for the past 2 years. After our daughter was born we struggled to maintain a friendship.

Let me just say that THIS stood out amongst everything else you wrote. Why you ask? Because it SCREAMS Postpartum Depression. You say your daughter is 2, and that the problems began after she was born "for the last 2 years"!!! Did your wife ever receive help for this? Many women go through it. And it is most often either missed, or misdiagnosed. I had a friend go through it so severe, she ended up hospitalized. Her husband had No Idea what the he11 was wrong with her until I got him on the phone and told him to Get Her Help Immediately. Which, thank God, he did. And now, 3 1/2 years later, they are thriving as a couple.

 

Add to it all the introduction of another child, schooling, money problems, etc, it is a recipe for disaster if depression is/was in fact the underlying cause. The other thing that leads me to think this is your statement that

She can lose it at the drop of a hat. Very particular with things.

It is her way of trying to gain some control when she probably feels that she has lost it in all other aspects of her life. I do not think it is a means to control YOU. I think it is a means to control SOMETHING - ANYTHING.

 

I don't think that she is really wanting out. Trust me when I say - when a woman is done with you, the LAST thing she will do is allow you to see her naked. Or sleep in the same bed with you. Take it from another woman

 

Is there a friend of hers that you can broach the subject of her getting some help? (ex - onto some anti-depressants). I wish you both the best of luck. You sound very sincere, and if depression is her problem, and she gets some help, I am sure she will see this as well. Peace and blessings.

[Thx55]

thanks for the response. Her mother had mentioned to her about getting some kind of help. She often says to me that it could be that (postpartum depression) unfortunately the position im in doesn't leave me with much of a position to approach the subject. i for one realize we are both at fault. i was in therapy last year for a few months just to clear my head with things but she never attempted to try it. the emphasis has been on me. If i put more on her its hard to say where it will go. very risky i guess. i just don't understand that she doesn't see some of her behaviors as detrimental to our marriage. i have no idea how to go about this without pointing any fingers. she may truly believe i am the force behind the said behaviors..

 

thanks

[Owl]

I'm curious...is she your first wife?

 

How did the two of you meet?

 

These may seem insignificant, but given the age difference between the two of you as well, it may well have some bearing on the relationship/interaction between you.

[Thx55]

last night i was pretty irritated with my wife text messaging a friend in colorado. we live in pa mind you he is an old guy friend. im not stupid there is always distractions that help ease the mind from what is going on. generally another person. she's not in love with me anymore so she feels justified in her methods. i told her well what if it were me and she got weird about it? she basically threw in my face that i still love her but haven't done anything to show her. so she would be offended if i was to talk to someone else. she said i know it sounds like a double standard which it is. she also talked about not knowing where anything is going. with anyone. she doesn't want to be with anyone right now and just wants to work on herself. im not hiding in a shell here. in one way she is crying out to me in a sense i feel and in another she is leaving the door open for whatever. im so freaking annoyed. do i need to start over with this if i want to make it work? I feel like i am just another guy she knows about and has no idea where to go with it. i got up and left the bedroom last night took my daughter and we slept downstairs. feel like she is bidding her time.

`its been a struggle for years to express any love for her with all the negativity going on around us. its almost like nothing has changed. i need to snap out of this if i truly want her back. im grasping at straws to show the person i care about most how much i love her. ridiculous. am i stuck in a rutt right now? i don't have time for that. im either in or out. just don't know what steps to take? any advice??

[Owl]

I'd be glad to give you advice, but I'd like to make sure that what I'm saying fits your situation. You might have missed it when I asked previously, but if you could answer my previous questions about your situation, I'll do my best to make sure I give the best advice I can.

[Thx55]

sorry owl.

this is my second marriage her first. we met at a party and were friends for over a year before anything serious happened. i was actually going through a divorce when we met so i didn't jump right into anything. we were great friends

[Thx55]

So we are laying in bed because we are separated but sleep in the same bed? Anyway, we were talking and she turns away from me and says I need to get laid... And turns back around like nothing. We continue to lay there I'm touching her hair etc. Nothing serious don't want to push my limits. It's so weird. We haven't had sex for months now. What the hell??

Was that an invitation??

[sirweasles]

well then I dont know what to think on that one you might have asked her about it then

[Thx55]

So this morning we had sex. After feeling apprehensive last night it went a little different this morning. She had to finish getting ready for school after. Just going to go with the fact we both have needs. Not sure what else to think right now.