So this is what I have to look forward to in the dating world? (female input)

[suddendumpee]

So I finally met a girl "Julie" (she's 22 and im 32) who actually took my mind off of my ex completely. I was at a bar two weeks ago and my friend and I were eying these 2 girls. Eventually, one of them came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. She introduced herself and said that he friend and her though me and my friend were hot, so she just wanted to say hi. We got a table together and talked all night, and got rather intoxicated. I ended up taking the girl home and having sex with her. She was very worried saying "If we do this, please don't get the wrong impression of me, because I think you're a cool guy and I want to hang out more." I assured her, I would not judge her and we had an amazing night.

 

The night before she made me PROMISE her that I would have her home by 9:15am because she had a chemistry quiz. I gave her my word. So in the morning, when I saw it was 9:00, I rushed to get her up so I could get her back home at the time I had promised. I think this made her uncomfortable and gave her the wrong impression. She started walking in to her house and I said "Aren't you going to give me your phone number?" She seemed relieved and gave it to me.

 

I waited 2 days to text her so as not to appear to be needy/desperate. We text back and forth every other day or so with flirty/fun messages. We decide to go out again the following Thursday (1 week after I initially met her). When we were out, we had fun, but I admit that I made some cocky comments that she may have taken offense to. She told me that the sex was amazing last week and I said "It was ok..", just to tease a bit and be an ass. I told her I was kidding and that I also thought it was great.

 

We had a good end to the night and we had planned on staying together, but when it came time to leave she was talking about all the stuff she had to do the next day. I said "Do you still want me to come over?" and which point she said it was up to me. I said "You're the one that has a busy day tomorrow, so it's up to you." She said it would probably be better if she just went home, and I agreed. 10 minutes later she texts me that "I can't believe you let me go." and "You said it was my decision, you could have just got in the car." WTF! Really? I went home and went to bed.

 

She texts me the next morning and it goes like this:

 

Julie: "Oh God. Sorry about last night, I was drunk and menstrual. Not a good combo. Lets hang out this weekend?"

 

Me:"Saturday @ 7pm. It will be fun...unless you hate Italian food and wine?"

 

Julie:"I love all of the above!! Where are we going?!?!"

 

Me:"Sorry, I can't disclose that information ;)"

 

Julie:"Fair enough, but you need to give me a hint so I know how to dress! haha"

 

Me:"Dress better than a bar, but not as nice as a wedding"

 

Julie:"Haha. Got it. So excited!"

 

 

So the day of the date comes, and I call her at 1pm to discuss details and I leave her a VM. I still haven't heard from her by 6pm, so I try again telling her I need her address to pick her up. No response. At 7pm I send a text "So I take it we're not doing this?" No response.

 

Her roommate (who is dating my friend) sends him a text about her night at work and randomly mentions that "Julie" is sick. I figure that this will be her (weak) excuse and they are just priming the gun. I totally expected an apology text of some sort today, but thus far...nothing.

 

I'm totally shocked and confused that someone would do this, and I'm not quite sure how to handle it. It's not like I'm in love with this girl after 2 weeks, but I was excited to get to know her better and it seemed she was as well. Her roommate told my friend once that Julie did not feel like I was that in to her, because of the way I behaved after we hooked up. I thought I was doing the right thing by not being too available and looking needy/desperate, but from what her roommate said, she took it as I wasn't interested and only wanted sex. Basically she was insecure about my intentions. I believe this is ultimately why she flaked out.

 

So back to the age old question:

 

1) Ignore her?

 

Or

 

2) Send her a message and assume responsibility for the way I was acting, and explain that I am interested in getting to know her on a more personal level. Tell her we got off on the wrong foot and try to start over.

 

 

Thanks for your input!

[darran]

ignore her and move to next one

 

I mean that in a nice way... if she texts back than great.

 

txt once dude... no reply... wait till the next day and txt again.... no reply... delete number!

 

and not option 2!

[suddendumpee]

She just texted:

 

"So unbelievably sorry about yesterday. Ive literally been on my death bed the past two days. I cant move or speak or swallow".

 

Maybe I should respond:

 

"Well if you can't swallow the date would have been a dud anyway."

 

haha

 

In all seriousness, do I respond to this?

[darran]

yea... she sounds like she was not flaking.

 

just keep it light dude and funny.

 

good luck

 

gladshe text back

[willowthewisp]

If you like her just tell her and enjoy getting to know her, no need to not text the day after, wait to call and all that c**p! Women hate that!

[suddendumpee]

So this was the entire text convo. Please submit reviews on my response

 

Julie @ 6:46 - So unbelievably sorry about yesterday. I've literally been on my death bed for the past two days. I can't move speak or swallow.

 

Julie @ 6:55 - Im awful

 

Me @ 7:03 - I can honestly say that I've never been so sick that I couldn't text, so it must be bad Don't sweat it. I went to the G-Cafe and had a nice reunion with old college friends. On a lighter note, I downloaded the album you told me about and I'm loving it. Thanks for the recommendation. Get better.

 

Julie @ 7:06 - My phone was dead...I am really sorry, I'd like to do it another time but I'm glad you like the album

 

Me @ 7:29 - We obviously started off on the wrong foot with some things and actions being taken the wrong way, and I realize I was a drink ASS on Thursday, so I owe you an apology as well. I'd definitely like to get to know you better, but I'm not much of a stalker, so if you want to hang when you feel better, let me know.

 

 

Thoughts? I thought I would leave the ball in her court. I'm not going to waste pursuit on a girl who thinks I'm going to believe that she was too sick to text, AND her phone was dead, AND she couldn't plug it in?

[comethemorning]

Sudden, please do not take this the wrong way, but seriously - she's 22. If you are just looking for a good time, go for it.

 

I'm not going to waste pursuit on a girl who thinks I'm going to believe that she was too sick to text, AND her phone was dead, AND she couldn't plug it in?

^^^ Red Flag. Especially if the roommate had to randomly throw it in. If both you and your roommate are dating roommates (try typing that 5 times fast...) "julie" could surly have gotten a message to you sooner. You are an educated guy - deep down you already know the answer to your question

 

Tread lightly my dear...

 

Peace.

Edited February 7, 2011 by comethemorning
added text

[darran]

mate wtf haha... just have fun... txt or call her, meet, drink, laugh and have fun!!! all this is a tad bit OTT tbh.

 

Just call... meet and have fun! if you don't want to have fun with a girl and want a full blown rel instead then dont bother.

 

she was probably with someone else! do you care? if so then bin her.

Edited February 7, 2011 by darran

[Hhhh]

your definitely rebounding dude...tread lightly

[cerridwen]

I like the way you left it, especially since she lied about not being able to contact you. Your response was honest and mature.

 

Gotta say, her flaking was kinda lame.

Ok, REALLY lame.

 

So have fun suddendumpee but be careful about getting too serious about her.

[D78]

suddendumpee,

 

Congrats on "getting back out there." I agree with cerridwen about the way you left it.

 

I think you should probably call the day after a one night stand if you would like to see the person again. I'm sure she had a long two days waiting for you to call. She probably imagined every possible reason why you were never going to call her... I'm not sure the guy rules apply after you've already had sex.

 

I've never been in her shoes, and I'm completely stupid about dating in 2011, so take my advice in that context please

 

Have fun!

[suddendumpee]

OK, so here's an update on my situation. I decided to take the initiative to reach out to her again. We had a few friendly text conversations over a couple days, then I texted this:

 

Me: Well, you need to hurry and get your health back to 100%. Only getting to see your pretty face on Facebook isn't going to cut it for much longer

 

Her: I'm going to New York City this weekend to look for apartments for the summer...but I'm all yours next week.

 

Me: I get a whole week? Damn, I better stock up on red wine.

 

Her: Raaaar. You better.

 

The next day is my birthday (which I never made known to her), but she learned from all the facebook posts. She starts a text conversation in the evening. It goes like this:

 

Her: Is it ur birthday?

 

Me: Yep. This shot of Patron is for you...

 

Her: Ahhh. Happy Birthday!

 

Me: Thanks. U fly out tomorrow?

 

Her: Yes, at 2 oclock! You should come visit me in NYC this summer.

 

Me: Trust me, I will.

 

Her: Aww good! I'll take you to all my favorite restaraunts and shops! And we can snuggle in my bed.

 

Me: Sounds good to me, but if we are snuggling in your bed, I may have to kiss you once.

 

Her: Just once?

 

Me: Twice?

 

Her: Alright I guess.

 

So the next day, I leave her a voicemail wishing her a safe flight and she texts me:

 

Her: Your message was cuuute. Just got through security and boarding the plane. I'm always a last minute girl. Ready for a drink!

 

Me: Have a good time, I'll talk to you when you get back.

 

So she gets back Sunday night, and I don't call her to give her time to settle in. Today, I text her:

 

Me: How was the apartment hunting?

 

Her: Meh. So so!I found a few possibilities

 

Me: I'm sure apartment hunting in NYC is a nightmare. I want to hear about your trip tho. I'll call u tonight.

 

Her: Sounds good.

 

I know she watches a show on Monday nights that ends at 10pm, so I call her at 10:05 and leave a voicemail:

 

"I just got home, and your show just ended so call me back, I'll be up for a while"

 

She never calls back of course. I'm really started to get frustrated with these games. One second I think she's all in, the next second I have no idea what my next move (if anything) should be. If I tell someone I'm going to call in the evening, I expect the call to be answered if only to say "I'm really busy. Call me tomorrow?"

 

I'm trying to determine if this girl is playing hard to get or NEVER to get. The mixed hot/cold signals are getting old. At this point do I sit back and let her make contact? We are supposed to hand out some time this week, but I feel like since I left a voicemail, it's up to her now to make the next contact. Thoughts?

[Andy_K]

She's 22. Inviting her out for dinner & wine for date #2 is probably a bit over the top.

 

Also, always text a girl the day after you sleep with her for the first time, or she WILL think you're playing games.

 

If she's hard to get hold of, don't bother calling her. Continually asking her to call you back and leaving messages is just going to look lame. In your position I would just text instead. And only that if she consistently replies.

 

Invite her out for a drink somewhere, or something casual. If she declines or flakes without offering an alternative date/time and/or a decent apology, you give up because she's a waste of time. If she accepts & turns up, you go from there...

[Jazzari]

I don't know why people have a problem with her being ill. I've certainly been sick enough that I couldn't call or text. Cut her some slack here. Your lack of empathy is kinda harsh, to be honest. She's feeling horrible and ill and you are concerned about yourself and being insecure.

 

Why are you expecting her to jump the second you call with this last message? A call is not a date and you didn't say what time you would call. She's not obligated to pick up the phone every time it rings and you have no idea why she didn't. For all you know, she was in the shower and didn't hear the damn thing.

 

She sounds very interested. Relax.

[GreenPolicy]

She's 22, so just relax and try not to overthink things.

[suddendumpee]

I don't know why people have a problem with her being ill. I've certainly been sick enough that I couldn't call or text. Cut her some slack here. Your lack of empathy is kinda harsh, to be honest. She's feeling horrible and ill and you are concerned about yourself and being insecure.

 

Why are you expecting her to jump the second you call with this last message? A call is not a date and you didn't say what time you would call. She's not obligated to pick up the phone every time it rings and you have no idea why she didn't. For all you know, she was in the shower and didn't hear the damn thing.

 

She sounds very interested. Relax.

 

 

Thank you for your input, but let me clarify. I spoke with her the day before our date and she was very excited. Planning a nice date for someone takes a lot of effort. I booked the reservation, picked up a bottle of her favorite wine, cleaned out my car, got a haircut, etc...I can sympathize that she was sick, but to make solid plans with someone only to find out the plans are canceled by a no-show is unacceptable. A text is very easy to send, sick or not. I don't believe that I lacked empathy, I think she did. She was well enough to make Facebook posts the next day, but didn't apologize until 7pm to me via text.

 

But anyway, that is in the past now. Where we are now is that I can't tell if she is looking to be chased? Or if I should leave her alone? Since I called last night, should I await her response? Or do I allow a certain amount of time to pass then reach out again?

 

The other dynamic is that this all started with her and her roommate double-dating me and my good friend. Her roommate gave my friend the axe on yesterday exclaiming "She's not ready to date". I can't help but wonder if we were a "package deal" and my prospect doesn't have the respect to be as clear cut with me. I don't want to give up if its a chase she's looking for, but I also don't want to be a doormat if her "hard to get" is actually "leave me alone".

[GreenPolicy]

Ball is in her court, so leave her alone and pursue other prospects.

[depplover_1980]

Yeah leave her alone now and keep searching - the offer has been put on the table. If she's interested she'll let you know.

[suddendumpee]

So she texted me something random about her class this morning. I responded:

 

Me: Sounds exciting! Heading to Chicago all next week...soooo miss "I'm all yours next week" what night are you available for drinks?

 

Her: Ahh chicago my fav place eveeerrr

 

Me: Thats the funniest blow-off ever. So Thursday night? lol.

 

 

No response thus far. What is this $hit?

[depplover_1980]

STOP CONTACTING HER before I suffocate you with my boobies!!!

[suddendumpee]

Hey, that would be the worst way to go...haha

 

Anyway, I'm done contacting. But can you elighten me on why someone would behave this way? I ask her out and she responds "chicago is my fa place" wtf. If shes not interested, why not just ignore me? Hard to get?, or stop bothering me?

[GreenPolicy]

But can you elighten me on why someone would behave this way?

 

She's 22 years old. There's your answer.

[JasonRules]

It seems to me that you're a sucker for rejection. I mean, she's stringing you along non-stop. In fact, the way you're behaving it sounds like you are the female and she is the male in all of this.

 

Let me help you out by pointing a few facts:

 

1. She's 22 (ie. not the sharpest tool in the shed, flaky, changes mind faster than she changes panties)

 

2. You're in your early 30s, mature, stable, know what you want etc

 

3. You had a 1 night stand with her. She's not going to go out with you again. She probably has another 3-5 guys chasing/texting her simultaneously.

 

 

So all you're doing is setting yourself up for disappointment. You had your fun, now call it a day and move on. I would stop texting her entirely. What's the point? Unless you want to torture yourself, then be my guest. Start going out more and dating other women. A 22 year old has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO OFFER YOU.

[depplover_1980]

Hey, that would be the worst way to go...haha

 

Anyway, I'm done contacting. But can you elighten me on why someone would behave this way? I ask her out and she responds "chicago is my fa place" wtf. If shes not interested, why not just ignore me? Hard to get?, or stop bothering me?

 

I keep reading 'she's 22' etc but I am not buying that at all, it's a bit agist. My 23 year old friend Laura has been with the same guy 3 years, I myself had been with the same guy 3 years at that point.

 

She is acting that way because she wants to keep you around, but she is not overly into you - like treating you as a backburner. Frankly you need to grab your balls and move along, don't be a pawn in this princesses chest game!!

[suddendumpee]

I hear ya. But for the record Jason Rules, we have already been on a 2nd date and got along great. It's not like I'm in love with this girl, but I would definitely like to hang again so I didn't want to throw in the towel too soon because I didn't "chase" like a man is supposed to.

 

Not sure what you mean by I'm the girl and she's the guy. Isn't the guy supposed to be the hunter and the girl the prey? Frankly is a girl was always the aggressor asking me out all the time, I would be turned off.

 

And yes, I will be "grabbing my balls and moving along". There isn't much more that I can do. A little disappearing act is exactly what she deserves right now.