d-day

[miranda3379]

I have only posted once before. In a relationship with a MM. He's been with his wife 20+ years and had one affair before me many years ago that the wife didn't find out about. We've been seeing eachother 3 days short of 3 months and today was D Day. He had quietly been making plans to leave and last week she started a conversation with him that she's noticed he's unhappy and that he's never home (he's with me) and that he's started spending nights away from home and in all their marriage he's never done that (he told her he was going to a superbowl party where there would be drinking and didn't want to drive home. Also they haven't had sex since before we got together and she wondered about that too.) She told him last week that if he wasn't happy maybe they should separate and he told her that he was thinking about it but wanted to have everything settled before they did. At that time he told her if they did separate she could live in the house and he would pay the mortgage for one year.

It has been very intense between us (good intense- no arguing) since day 1. I know a lot of that is fantasy but we were planning for the future- the future wasn't supposed to be here this quickly though!

 

What happened was he has a separate cell that he talks to me on and she found it. He was sleeping at the time and she called me and I answered thinking it was him and the phone disconnected so I called back and she answered and I hung up. She went thru the phone and found all of our texts (just this morning he said he wanted to make love to me all day today) and also joked about sex toys in another text. there are tons of I love you texts, photos of us together and nude photos (that don't show our faces) in that phone. Well she has seen it all and woke him up screaming at him and asked what was going on. He denied everything. Said we were just friends and teasing eachother. He told me he did this because he doesn't want her to be devastated- he just wanted her to think they'd grown apart and move on.

 

Obviously (and he said this too) she knows there was/is a sexual relationship between us) and she's been investigating for awhile now. She told him other things she found (pictures of me) and things on facebook. He was gaslighting her telling her little parts (that we go out to eat and that he saw me on valentine's day) there was a voicemail on his phone of me telling him (he was tired) that I wanted to rub his back and lay down next to him so he could sleep and that I would try not to take his clothes off or something like that, it ended with I love you (as usual) She asked him about that message and was very upset that he'd let another woman lay down next to him and rub his back. She told him she was leaving and that she hated him and said she was sick because he didn't even seem to care and he never appologized. He told her she can live in the house and she screamed at him she wasn't accepting handouts from him.

 

I honestly think he should have told her the truth. I actually hated him somewhat today because I've been in his wife's shoes (with boyfriends) and they just lied right to my face even though I had evidence you want to believe the person you love and you feel like you are going crazy. He says he's not telling her the truth because he doesn't want to hurt her anymore than he already has. That he wants to be with me and that her finding out actually lifted a huge weight off his chest and he is relieved now. That he's sad its over but wants to start over with me. I know he is crazy in love with me to the point of being obsessed (the thrill of it) but he also takes good care of me, is VERy protective of me and would do anything I needed or wanted and he has proven that over and over. He's treated me better than anyone EVER has.

I thought I would be happy when his marriage was over. But I feel so much guilt. I can't be happy at someone's misery. I don't know half of what she feels but I've been there myself (not as many years or anything close) and I'm so sorry for my part of this affair in hurting her. Before I just kind of pushed it out of my mind, I've never seen or heard his wife so she basically didn't exist to me. Now she does and though I want to be with him I'm ashamed of what I've done.

 

What normally happens after d-day? To both partners- the OP and MP?

[seren]

Miranda, you and the MM have been seeing each other for just under 3 months and he has been married for 20 years, I would imagine D Day, in his house to be a whole world of pain. I won't go into how D Day played out in our house as I am an XBS and I think what I might say could be hurtful. So, what I will say is that you only have his word for what went down, if he wants to leave (although it sounds like his wife may push him out) D Day will give him the opportunity to do so.

 

From what I have read on LS and other sites, the period after D Day, when marriages break up will be a time of adjustment, sometimes with lots of to'ing and fro'ing and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. I am sure you will get some response from other OP's and possibly MP, if you want to know what a D Day is like from a BS viewpoint I am sure you will get that too.

[sugarbritches]

I left the day I found out my ex was having an affair. I was going to be smart and get all my ducks in a row, I couldn't I lost it. I told him what I though and told him that she could have him, he was my left overs anyways.

When she got what she wanted, she realized it wasn't a prize. They lasted 2 months.

It has been 5 years and he is still trying to come back.

I have a no bull****, no lie policy. I will never forgive or forget what he did to me and I will never go back!

 

Some women can, prepare yourself for him to try to work things out with her. If he goes back, you would be smart to end it. He doesn't give a **** about her feelings, all he cares about is the fact that everything he is use to is about to be gone, he may love you but people hate change.

 

I believe if you told him its her or me NOW, you would find out the truth.

 

I am sorry for your pain, even if its self inflicted. It seems like you really love this man.

[Brokenlady]

I'm going to be blunt because I've been in your shoes and you need to hear the truth. He's lying. He's not telling her the truth becuase he isn't sure he wants to leave. (If he was so concerned about her feelings, he would't have cheated in the first place). Besides, why lie to her about what she can plainly see on the phone? That's not sparing her feelings, that's making her feel she's insane, which is infinitely worse. It's cruel on top of betrayal.

 

Now, they talked about who was moving out, but no one did, did they? This is all typical D-day stuff. They aren't going to split right away, if at all. When she gets over the immediate shock, she's probably going to want to save the marriage, and I'd be really surprised if he didn't entertain that idea himself, at least for a while. My xDM waited until 9 months after D-day to leave, and only because I was leaving him. He went to marriage counseling and all the usual post-dDay save your marriage stuff. Your guy will quite possibly do the same. Spent the ext many months apologizing and covering his ass - lying to both of you.

 

If he's truly going to use this d-day as a way to get out, he ought to be doing that, right now. But he's not doing that. That should tell you something. Further, if he is truly leaving, I'd give him a good amount of NC time to straighten out his divorce so you don't get trampled in the midst of the inevitable back and forth waffling that happens. I speak from very painful experience.

 

And think about it - if he can lie to the face of the W he's had for 20 years when she has already caught him red-handed, he'll be more than happy to lie to you about the plainly obvious fact that he's not leaving his W right now.

[whichwayisup]

This isn't about him not wanting to her hurt (more), this is about his ego and his reputation and how now he is the bad guy because he cheated on her and betrayed her. That certain friends and all family (inlaws, his folks) will now know the truth.

 

Hate to say this, but i doubt very much she knew he was planning on ending the marriage. Time will tell as to what happens next.

 

You may end up getting him now, like it or not, she may just want to divorce and get away from him. If he stays, you need to end it and realize you're better off. Look how he's treated her, the woman he married, said vows to infront of family and friends..You think he's going to treat you better or more special in the future?

[whichwayisup]

The thing that blows me away..The evidence speaks for itself and he has the balls to STILL lie to her face, like she's some kind of idiot!

 

Question. Do they have kids?

[Sharon1961]

The thing that blows me away..The evidence speaks for itself and he has the balls to STILL lie to her face, like she's some kind of idiot!

 

Question. Do they have kids?

 

When my ex tried to get back together with me and I discovered he had a girlfriend I sent him a private message saying that I was disgusted and never wanted to hear from him again.

 

He had the audacity to tell his girlfriend (who someone discovered the message) that I was making it up to break them up.

 

Who sends someone a private message telling them to get lost in order to break them up with someone?

 

And yet she bought it.

 

I think on some level someone would have to know the guy is lying but they want to believe.

[miranda3379]

No, no kids. I know, that bothers me too. I don't understand how he thought he would get away with it. But thats what he did in his other affair- he and the AP lied their a**es off about what happened and that they were just friends. It helped that the girl looked like a swimsuit model because his wife saw a picture of her and laughed and decided it was all just fantasy and there was NO way they had sex because she thought someone who looked like that wouldn't be interested in her husband.

 

I am seriously considering ending things. He wants me to block the number from which he used to call me from so his wife can not call me. He says its for my own good because he doesn't want her harrasing me but I'm wondering if he's afraid I would tell her the truth (and I would, not to "win" him but just to tell her the truth because I would want that if I was in her shoes. Maybe its selfish, I don't know.

Its just like the fantasy of "us" is gone in my mind. I really did/do love him because he treats me so well but to hear that he lied to his wife and basically threw me under the bus (saying we were just friends) I mean,,, I kind of understand why he did that but at the same time like you said, she had the evidence right in front of her and he STILL lied about it. I just don't know what to do. I know that I am partly responsible for this and for her pain. And I am truly sorry for that. I have been with someone who cheated on me and then lied to my face and literally made me feel like I was crazy for what I was feeling. He tried and tried to smooth things over and I so wanted to believe that he hadn't cheated (because that was what he was feeding me) but there was evidence and so much that didn't make sense.

 

And for those reasons I'm just thinking I'm better off just walking away. It will hurt because I've very attached to him (and I know I deserved to be smacked for saying that after his wife has been with him 20 years) but I won't stand around and let him go back and forth between us.

[miranda3379]

When my ex tried to get back together with me and I discovered he had a girlfriend I sent him a private message saying that I was disgusted and never wanted to hear from him again.

 

He had the audacity to tell his girlfriend (who someone discovered the message) that I was making it up to break them up.

 

Who sends someone a private message telling them to get lost in order to break them up with someone?

 

And yet she bought it.

 

I think on some level someone would have to know the guy is lying but they want to believe.

 

She DOES know he is lying. she said to him that she never expected him to cheat on her so she didn't buy his dumb story about how we are just friends. She doesn't know to what extent he cheated or anything because he won't give her the details. I know exactly how this works- if I talk to her and tell her the truth he will probably tell her I'm trying to drive her away because I'm in love with him. I had an ex do that. He was my ex at the time (we'd just broken up) and in a weak moment because he had left and he was really pursuing me, I slept with him and later found out he was already seeing someone else at the time. I told his new girlfriend I was glad she had him because he was still a cheater and what happened. he told her I was jealous and trying to break them up.

[whichwayisup]

For someone who told you he was planning on leaving his wife, he certainly isn't acting like it. Instead of just coming clean and being honest, telling her Sorry, but yes, I've fallen for someone else, I am sorry I hurt you, but it's best now to just quickly divorce and move on, I will do whatever is necessary to make it painless for you etc... Instead he threw YOU under the bus and made it seem like his wife was crazy (deny/gaslighting) AND, this isn't his first affair. You sure you want this guy? He has a history of cheating..And lying about it, getting away with it.

 

And, you say the 'fantasy' has worn off, know why? Now it's REAL. His wife is REAL, she isn't just an invisble person, now you see the pain and devastation that the A has caused, you are affected by it. He's asked you to lie now. Honestly, if I were you, talk to his wife if she calls and just be honest and respectful of her feelings. Answer her questions. If he truly is serious about ending his marriage and being with you, you talking to her should make no difference in his eyes, as it would be the truth.

 

BUT, sadly, for you, I think he had no intention of leaving, she just found out and now he's scared and freaking out, his whole life is going to change, he's the bad guy and now has to own up to his choices...something he's NEVER had to do.

 

Back off of him, end the sexual part of your affair. Allow him time and space to figure things out and I suggest you do the same. Ask yourself if this IS the type of man you want..A man who is capable of lying and deceiving and is GOOD at it too.

 

Read Mino's story (if you click search, do a search Mino, and read her latest updates on her and her MM, but let's say that things are not what she thought it would be like once he moved in with her..) Careful what you wish for..

[Sharon1961]

She DOES know he is lying. she said to him that she never expected him to cheat on her so she didn't buy his dumb story about how we are just friends. She doesn't know to what extent he cheated or anything because he won't give her the details. I know exactly how this works- if I talk to her and tell her the truth he will probably tell her I'm trying to drive her away because I'm in love with him. I had an ex do that. He was my ex at the time (we'd just broken up) and in a weak moment because he had left and he was really pursuing me, I slept with him and later found out he was already seeing someone else at the time. I told his new girlfriend I was glad she had him because he was still a cheater and what happened. he told her I was jealous and trying to break them up.

 

I guess it's a kind of classic tactic for scumbags to take. Sheesh, they are SO predictable. Isn't that amazing!

[whichwayisup]

Know too, that chances are very high that he's been lying you to the whole time. Him not having sex with his wife? I doubt it. Look how well he lies. Did you believe him when he told you all that stuff about his wife, marriage, no sex? If she calls and you do talk to her, tell her what he told you. My guess is, he lied about it all..

 

He now will be suffering consquences. Rightfully so!

[lovingwhatis]

Miranda, be strong and see through the veneer. You already are, considering you recognize thd fantasy. He was good in painting that fantasy for you.

 

He reminds me of someone i know who is a pathological liar. the stories he can spin are beyond anything, and he does it all the time. Yet there is a believability in him, or at least something that is redeemable. It is the wildest thing. Your xMM may be like that. He is not evil, question is do you value truth more than fantasy and feeling good?

 

What his wife is going through is really tough and i wish her strenght and good people around her that can help her.

[ladydesigner]

No, no kids. I know, that bothers me too. I don't understand how he thought he would get away with it. But thats what he did in his other affair- he and the AP lied their a**es off about what happened and that they were just friends. It helped that the girl looked like a swimsuit model because his wife saw a picture of her and laughed and decided it was all just fantasy and there was NO way they had sex because she thought someone who looked like that wouldn't be interested in her husband.

 

I am seriously considering ending things. He wants me to block the number from which he used to call me from so his wife can not call me. He says its for my own good because he doesn't want her harrasing me but I'm wondering if he's afraid I would tell her the truth (and I would, not to "win" him but just to tell her the truth because I would want that if I was in her shoes. Maybe its selfish, I don't know.

Its just like the fantasy of "us" is gone in my mind. I really did/do love him because he treats me so well but to hear that he lied to his wife and basically threw me under the bus (saying we were just friends) I mean,,, I kind of understand why he did that but at the same time like you said, she had the evidence right in front of her and he STILL lied about it. I just don't know what to do. I know that I am partly responsible for this and for her pain. And I am truly sorry for that. I have been with someone who cheated on me and then lied to my face and literally made me feel like I was crazy for what I was feeling. He tried and tried to smooth things over and I so wanted to believe that he hadn't cheated (because that was what he was feeding me) but there was evidence and so much that didn't make sense.

 

And for those reasons I'm just thinking I'm better off just walking away. It will hurt because I've very attached to him (and I know I deserved to be smacked for saying that after his wife has been with him 20 years) but I won't stand around and let him go back and forth between us.

 

I'm sorry but this just SCREAMS red flags to me. You are his 2nd A partner? So he is a serial cheater. I would fear he would do the same to you eventually. Not a good situation.

[miranda3379]

I don't know what to do. I know what the right thing to do is but I am so hurt and lost without him. His wife sent him over to my house to tell me it was over (the day after DDAY) She demanded that he end everything with me. She threatened me, told him she would kill herself if he didn't end things with me. So he got in his car and came to my house and he told me what his wife wanted and said he couldn't do it. That he wasn't going to flaunt me in her face, but he was done hiding me. Told me that he can't repair his marriage, that she wants to go to marriage counseling and he refused, that she wants him to stop talking to me and he refused. he said she was devastated and does nothing but cry and stare. I told him I will make him hate me so that he will stop talking to me and he can work on his marriage. He begged me not to do that. He thought I was going to cut off all contact with him. He siad he just doesn't want his wife hurting anymore than she already is but he doesn't want to save his marriage.

That is is dead and even if he can't have me he wants to end it.

 

He told me I will always have his heart and that we are still together. As soon as he left I called his wife (she wanted to come with him so she could hear him tell me it was over with me) I told her he told me why he was sent here but instead he told me he never wanted things to end with me, that I'd always have his heart no matter what. I told her I would leave him alone because knowing that I have his heart is enough for me. That she will have him back physically but every time he has a far away look in his eye she will know he is thinking of me. I told her how he treated me like gold. Of all the presents he bought me, of how often we had sex (about 50 times in 3 months (she asked) and of how well he treated me. I answered every question she had and was honest about all of it. But I didn't soften any of it. I straight up told her everything her husband had promised me, said to me. and she was devastated all over again. And I felt horrible about that but I wanted him to HATE me because I hurt his wife and told her the entire truth.

 

My plan didn't work. Instead of comforting his wife (he told her it was all true) he told her that he knew I had called her to make him hate me and that he now knew I wanted nothing to do with him. he spent the day taking her to the mall (he said he broke down crying because he couldn't pass anything or go anywhere that we hadn't been and he missed me and thought he would never speak to me again. And this made his wife worse because she saw how much pain he was in NOT over hurting her but over losing ME. he said he told her he couldnt' help it- that he missed me and that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone. He begged me to see him, told me his wife didn't want him discussing anything about them with me but he did - he told me every detail. he said he couldn't hate me, that he can't live without me. That he just needs time for her devastation to turn to anger. So that she hates him and can move on. he said he's afraid I'm going to leave him before that happens. So the next day he just walked out on her.

He said she was in a catatonic state and he just said bye, I'm leaving and walked out with his clothes after 20+ years. he said the look on her face almost killed him but he just wanted rid of her so he could be with me. He felt so much guilt that I sent him back the next day. I told him there has to be a better way.

 

his plan is that we will keep in contact (using his normal cell that she can see how often we talk on thru the online tracking) and will still see eachother. day one of this plan was a huge blow up. Instead of grieving she is angry. She told him he HAS to end all contact with me. he told her that is not going to happen. Yesterday we sent about 100 texts back and forth and talked three times for about 40 minutes. She checked the tracking site and found this out and blew up on him and left. She told him she just wanted ONE thing from him. ONE THING! and that was to end contact with me, the person she says wrecked her marriage. And he can't do that because he's still in love with me and he didn't deny it. he just told her too bad, he WILL talk to me. and that if she doesn't like it she can leave. She left and came back crying and begging him to fix their marriage. He said we will continue to talk and text so that she sees it is not fixable. he keeps telling her he will stay until she can get on her feet but no matter what he is leaving.

 

he tells me he doesn't want to leave her while she's devastated, he's afraid she might do something stupid. But he said he knows her and when the anger sets in, when she comes to the realization that he is just being a placeholder there and not giving her affection or sex or comfort that she will let go. he told her things would never be the same between them. that she will never trust him and will never look at him the same again and she even agreed. But he said sometimes she clings to him and wants him to wear his wedding ring (he refuses) and to stop talking to me (he refuses).

 

I feel stuck because obviously I can see he does NOT want to work out his marriage and I still love him. I can see why he can't just up and walk away right at this moment after 20 some years because he can't leave her in this emotional wreck she's in. SHe doesn't really have any family but him, they have no kids etc. he said if there was someone to take care of her he would just walk out. He even offered to pay for an apartment for her if she feels she can't live in their house.

 

I do realize he could be blowing smoke up my a$$ too by saying all this but he IS doing things to show his wife that he doesn't want to work things out (Like calling me and not being secretive about it so that she knows he is defying her wishes) and I haven't asked him to do any of this. When I told him we couldn't talk anymore or once I said "well this is the last time I'll kiss you" he started crying like I've never seen a grown man cry and grabbed me and begged me to promise him not to abandon him. He says once his wife can function again then he will leave for good (when she's in the anger stage) and that while leaving her makes him sad, he just doesn't feel the same way about her and NEVER felt about her as strongly as he felt about me. He explains it by saying he loves her in a protective, "I never want anything bad to happen to you" way but would be happy if she would find someone else to be with.

[woinlove]

Miranda, what do you want? To me, this whole things sounds awful for everyone involved, and from the outside looking in, it seems like the best thing that could happen is that both his W and you dump this man so he can spend some time on his own and figure out to be the kind of person capable of having a mature, loving R.

 

But perhaps you see something worth salvaging. Do you want to be with this man? If so, you are in for a rough ride as it seems clear he is going to try to use you as a crutch while he tries to sort out his M and its possible end or its recovery. In an A, there can be a competitive dynamic, where you and the W are each competing for this man. Once that is removed, the "winner" sometimes sees that what they were competing for was not worth it. If a single and available man was behaving this way, would you still be interested?

 

If you want to walk, this is a good time. If you want to hang on and try to be with this man, it is still probably best if you can let him sort out the fate of his M on his own. If you can't leave him alone to do that, I think you are in for an emotionally draining time. Whatever you decide, try to protect yourself, making sure you are not being used in a drama that you don't want to be involved in, and try to keep your self-esteem intact.

[Quiet Storm]

What you did to his wife was wrong.

 

You could have told her what OM said without rubbing her nose in all the details of the affair. You said it yourself, your purpose in that was to get OM to hate you. How selfish of you.

 

If what you say is true, OM sounds like a straight up d*ck to his wife and a cry-baby towards you. What do you find so attractive about this guy?

 

You may have OM's "heart" but so what? Normally I would say that you can do much better than this guy...but you tortured BW with details just so OM would hate you. Who knows? Maybe you two are meant to be.

[TigerCub]

I don't know what to do. I know what the right thing to do is but I am so hurt and lost without him. His wife sent him over to my house to tell me it was over (the day after DDAY) She demanded that he end everything with me. She threatened me, told him she would kill herself if he didn't end things with me. So he got in his car and came to my house and he told me what his wife wanted and said he couldn't do it. That he wasn't going to flaunt me in her face, but he was done hiding me. Told me that he can't repair his marriage, that she wants to go to marriage counseling and he refused, that she wants him to stop talking to me and he refused. he said she was devastated and does nothing but cry and stare. I told him I will make him hate me so that he will stop talking to me and he can work on his marriage. He begged me not to do that. He thought I was going to cut off all contact with him. He siad he just doesn't want his wife hurting anymore than she already is but he doesn't want to save his marriage.

That is is dead and even if he can't have me he wants to end it.

 

He told me I will always have his heart and that we are still together. As soon as he left I called his wife (she wanted to come with him so she could hear him tell me it was over with me) I told her he told me why he was sent here but instead he told me he never wanted things to end with me, that I'd always have his heart no matter what. I told her I would leave him alone because knowing that I have his heart is enough for me. That she will have him back physically but every time he has a far away look in his eye she will know he is thinking of me. I told her how he treated me like gold. Of all the presents he bought me, of how often we had sex (about 50 times in 3 months (she asked) and of how well he treated me. I answered every question she had and was honest about all of it. But I didn't soften any of it. I straight up told her everything her husband had promised me, said to me. and she was devastated all over again. And I felt horrible about that but I wanted him to HATE me because I hurt his wife and told her the entire truth.

 

My plan didn't work. Instead of comforting his wife (he told her it was all true) he told her that he knew I had called her to make him hate me and that he now knew I wanted nothing to do with him. he spent the day taking her to the mall (he said he broke down crying because he couldn't pass anything or go anywhere that we hadn't been and he missed me and thought he would never speak to me again. And this made his wife worse because she saw how much pain he was in NOT over hurting her but over losing ME. he said he told her he couldnt' help it- that he missed me and that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone. He begged me to see him, told me his wife didn't want him discussing anything about them with me but he did - he told me every detail. he said he couldn't hate me, that he can't live without me. That he just needs time for her devastation to turn to anger. So that she hates him and can move on. he said he's afraid I'm going to leave him before that happens. So the next day he just walked out on her.

He said she was in a catatonic state and he just said bye, I'm leaving and walked out with his clothes after 20+ years. he said the look on her face almost killed him but he just wanted rid of her so he could be with me. He felt so much guilt that I sent him back the next day. I told him there has to be a better way.

 

his plan is that we will keep in contact (using his normal cell that she can see how often we talk on thru the online tracking) and will still see eachother. day one of this plan was a huge blow up. Instead of grieving she is angry. She told him he HAS to end all contact with me. he told her that is not going to happen. Yesterday we sent about 100 texts back and forth and talked three times for about 40 minutes. She checked the tracking site and found this out and blew up on him and left. She told him she just wanted ONE thing from him. ONE THING! and that was to end contact with me, the person she says wrecked her marriage. And he can't do that because he's still in love with me and he didn't deny it. he just told her too bad, he WILL talk to me. and that if she doesn't like it she can leave. She left and came back crying and begging him to fix their marriage. He said we will continue to talk and text so that she sees it is not fixable. he keeps telling her he will stay until she can get on her feet but no matter what he is leaving.

 

I so don't understand what you even see in this guy!

He's an a**hole!! he says that he doesn't want to hurt her, but he did all that crap in bold.

He's disgusting.

He's such a heartless jerk.

He rubs your relationship with him in her face and then the next minute says he feels guilty?

 

Don't be surprised if that's you one day!

 

I'm sorry - this isn't the typical rant of someone that's never been in an A situations - but this guy's actions towards his wife are disgusting.

 

He has absolutely no compassion for her and what he's put her through - honestly people like that will do it without remorse to ANYONE - be careful, because it could very well be you one day.

 

he tells me he doesn't want to leave her while she's devastated, he's afraid she might do something stupid.

So how is adding to her devestation helping?

Wow what a stand up thoughtful guy

 

I can see why he can't just up and walk away right at this moment

Why can't he walk away? I think I missed that logical answer...

oh, because she needs to stand on her own and support herself? - oh yeah! well after 20+ years of marriage, I'm sure she'll get a nice settlement. Anything else?

 

Oh, because of the history between them and how he doesn't want to hurt her? - oh yeah he's covering that ground quite nicely by rubbing his A in her face on a daily basis.

 

 

I do realize he could be blowing smoke up my a$$ too by saying all this but he IS doing things to show his wife that he doesn't want to work things out (Like calling me and not being secretive about it so that she knows he is defying her wishes) and I haven't asked him to do any of this. When I told him we couldn't talk anymore or once I said "well this is the last time I'll kiss you" he started crying like I've never seen a grown man cry and grabbed me and begged me to promise him not to abandon him.

Yeah, this guy is either one fantastic actor, or he's got some MAJOR abandonment "daddy or mommy issues" that certainly need a good therapist to be resolved.

 

He says once his wife can function again then he will leave for good

 

ooh, well if HE says it, ya know its gotta be true!!

 

He explains it by saying he loves her in a protective, "I never want anything bad to happen to you" way but would be happy if she would find someone else to be with.

See its this in bold that I so don't get, I can't believe he actually has the nerve to make that claim, when he does things on a daily basis to cause her so much pain.

 

I'm sorry Miranda if my response was harsh, its not directed at you - all this anger is coming from the crap he's doing.

 

Honestly, I know what its like to love someone even if they do something "bad", but this guy had not only crossed that line, he's pissed on it.

 

I just can't believe some of the claims he's making when the evidence is to the contrary.

 

You said it yourself, how could he lie to her when the evidence of the A was right there.

He's lying to you about being this "good guy" when all evidence points to contrary.

 

This guy is seriously messed up.

 

I'm not even claiming that he loves her and wont leave her, I'm just asking you to really consider if you want someone so heartless, cruel and disgusting in your life.

[bentnotbroken]

What a gem of a man to have his heart. It is worth so much:sick:

[PhoenixRise]

So he packed his things and left the house and you told him to go back after you told the wife that she could have him physically because you were satisfied knowing that you had his heart...

 

OK

 

He wants to stay in the house and rub her nose in the fact that he is still seeing you and is still in contact with you so that she will know and understand that it is over and will let him go.

 

OK

 

But wouldn't him packing his things and moving out/staying out and initiating divorce proceedings have helped her to understand it is over...does he NEED her to let him go for him to actually leave?

 

Is sending him home to torture his wife the "better way" you had in mind? Why would you approve a scenario where the man you love has left the marital home to be with you but NOW he feels he needs his wife to "let him go" first? What is he going to do if she doesn't "let go"? Stay married and continue to flaunt you but never divorce?

 

 

If he truly wants you and he truly wants out of the marriage and there has been a dday...why play games? Why not just cut to the chase, end the drama and just divorce her?

[ladydesigner]

I agree with the poster who said don't be surprised if this ever happens to you. If this man is capable of being this big of a jerk, it could happen to anyone.

 

Why do you want this man's heart? He sounds like a very broken person. I hope his wife leaves him.

[Lucky_One]

WTF goes to the mall together, post D-Day, and walks around crying every time he passes a store??

[PhoenixRise]

WTF goes to the mall together, post D-Day, and walks around crying every time he passes a store??

 

I agree with this. The only thing the OP knows for sure is what she said directly to the wife and what the wife said directly to her.

 

Everything else is this MM's account of what he said and how his wife responded. The same MM who lied and gaslit his way out of a previous dday with another OW.

[Spark1111]

I think you are both classic conflict avoiders and cowards to the nth degree.

 

You want the relationship but without any of the mess.

 

You want everyone to like you both without any of the devastating fallout from both your actions.

 

You two are children who want to play and have fun but have none of the maturity to own your actions when the consequences have caused untold pain to his wife.

 

He wants your continued unconditional approval and you want his wife not to hate you.

 

Good luck! Because she does and she will, and he will do whatever you want to get his continued "good boy, good boy!"

 

Someone on the playground has to make a choice here, like an adult!

 

He is hoping she throws him out. So are you! Then it will not be your fault and you can go back to your fun, uninterrupted by any real consequences or feelings of guilt.

 

Good luck!

 

She has just discovered her entire life has been a lie, and now she is having her nose rubbed in the affair by your misguided intentions to not have any splash back from this mess.

 

I hope she doesn't commit suicide.

 

That might really ruin your fun for awhile.

[aceliapse]

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