I broke up with him -- he's leaving contact up to me.

[Kristie16]

I broke up with my first real boyfriend of nearly a year on Sunday (three days ago). I loved him. I'm 25, and he's 23, going to be 24 next month. I broke up with him because we want different things out of life: He's happy waiting tables and never leaving his hometown. I have a career and love to travel the world. We just eventually ran out of things in common. I slowly realized that he is very insecure with himself and would do anything to keep me, even though we were fighting all the time and both not feeling satisfied with the relationship. He just always needs a girl by his side. I realized I couldn't be that girl near him 24/7 who he based his happiness on. And I knew I had to be the one to end things, so I did. But it's not like I wanted to. I just know it was becoming a super unhealthy relationship. We were resenting each other. So I ended things. The last thing he said to me is that he always keeps in contact with exes (something he always told me and something I always thought was odd), and that I should contact him when I'm ready to talk and be friends.

 

This makes it so hard. I wish he was angry and didn't want anything to do with me. Nothing good can come of me talking to him. I know we are not right together at the different stages of our life and different goals, but short-term, I want to speak with him. And it's so hard since I know he would respond and talk with me. If I asked if he wanted to go to dinner tonight he would drop everything and do it, which I know says a lot about his self-esteem and neediness. I feel like I'm having to be strong for the both of us. But I also feel like I'm hurting him because I'm not contacting him, and I never ever wanted to hurt him. His self worth is based so much on the girl in his life that I know he has to be hurting tremendously right now and he's probably going to seek comfort somewhere else. In my mind I'm thinking, if he's going to seek it out somewhere, why not with me? I'll at least respect him and treat him well and not play games/use him/walk all over him as past gfs have who have strung him along.

 

Any insight anybody can give on this situation would be great. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I still greatly care about him and I want to do whatever is best for both of us.

Edited February 24, 2011 by Kristie16

[D78]

Kristie16,

 

I'm sorry that you and your ex broke up. It sounds like you did the right thing even though you feel bad.

 

You're right that you're having to be strong for the both of you, which is not a fair expectation for one adult to put on another. He's gotta learn to stand on his own two feet, and it doesn't sound like that was going to happen while the two of you were still together.

 

Were you able to tell him all that you said in this post when you last talked? If not, a letter might be okay, if it clearly states "I don't want to give you false hope." You could explain that you care about him, but he can't depend on you for his happiness, and you think it's in his best interest to not stay in contact, at least for now.

 

In terms of staying friends, he did leave the ball in your court, so if you're never ready to be friends you don't have to contact him. Someday I think he will realize this is for the best. Good luck.

[Kristie16]

Hi D78,

 

On Saturday night we got into a huge fight and I voiced some of my concerns, although probably a little more forcefully and not as sugar coated as I usually do. I usually am much more careful in my wording, because I know he has a low self esteem. But I was angry Saturday night because I had met about the fourth or fifth past gf/hook up of his. Like I said, he CAN'T be single or without a girl. He'll stay with a girl even if they cheat on him. I at least treated him well and never ever did anything like that. But I'm insecure having all these past girls all over the place. (Usually friends with benefits with girls who didn't want to date him but called him up when they were lonely). That was always my insecurity. The fact that he had sooo many girls in his past.

 

That coupled with our differing paths in life and his neediness/clinginess (he flat out told me that he relies on me to make him happy) was just too much. Near the end I didn't even want to be with him and was always stressed when I saw him for fear he'd get depressed and shut down like he tends to do.

 

When I broke up with him I was much more tactful, blaming it a lot on myself. (I'm moving a few hours away for three months for a job assignment and want to travel this summer and I know he hates being away from me for any length of time. I also want to leave my hometown again, which I moved back to a year ago, right when I met him.) So I blamed the break up a lot on that, although I did mention the fact that we wee both frustrated a lot near the end and getting in more fights.

 

I told him I wouldn't be able to be friends or contact him until I was over him. And to be honest, if we aren't together, I don't really see the point of talking unless its to say Happy Birthday on Facebook or catch up every once in a while.

 

I just worry about him. And I worry that he's going to go get with another girl who treats him badly, because that's what he does when he's down (as he has admitted before). At the same time, if that's his method of coping, that's what he has chosen to do. I just wish I could change him. But I broke up when I realized it was unfair for me and for him for me to try to change him into who I need in a relationship. I just don't know how to cope myself with this situation.

[timchambo]

hmmm these issues sound a lot like what my ex said. Only difference is I don't consider myself insecure. I would never tolerate cheating. I supported the travel (to an extent). And though our professions are pretty different, our lives were together (obviously) so I just don't get it. When she told me a few of the similar lines you just typed here as she was breaking up I didn't understand what she meant. In your case it does make sense a bit. In mine they all seem like convenient excuses. I thought they sounded stupid before, but used in the proper context they don't sound so bad I guess.

 

In the end my ex was "dating" a new guy exclusively within days of our breakup, she didn't need to say anything else at that point.

[ALonerAgain]

Hi Kristie,

 

I read with interest your situation as it bears some similarities I had with a rather insecure ex years ago.

 

I, too, walked away from an unhealthy relationship. You're right to say that it's not fair on you to shoulder all the responsibility; having to watch him repeatedly make the same mistakes - despite the fact that he's AWARE he's doing them - must be heart-breaking and frustrating to say the least.

 

I guess it's like telling someone to quit smoking or drinking: they know it's unhealthy, but unless they WANT to change their mind-set nothing anybody else says will make them change their behaviour.

 

If you stay in contact with him even just a little bit, it will be twice as hard to let him go. Maybe one day he will learn. Maybe he won't. With my needy ex, I always said to myself that he will only ever be 'happy' with somebody just as needy as him. Seems to me that's how your ex operates: rather than actually work on building his self-esteem, he will just keep going from one woman to the next until he finds someone sharing his level of insecurity.

 

As for you, it seems that hanging around him and his entourage of exes and 'friendly females' will only serve to bring YOUR esteem down. Commit to focussing on YOU (after all, that's why you ended it) and maintain NC. It's hard, but it will be worth it.

Edited February 24, 2011 by ALonerAgain

[Kristie16]

So, I texted him. And I'm actually glad I did. I had a really hard night and morning and text him saying saying the last few days have been really hard but i know we want different things in life and telling him what a great guy he is and how smart he is and that I was sorry if I didn't say that enough. I guess part of me is once again trying to change him to realize that he doesn't have to go down the self-destructive path he always does.

 

Well, he text me back in a very nonchalant way, like oh, this is just another break up, which for him, I guess it is.

 

One of the things he said was that he's sorry that his his need for a physical relationship ruined things. I'm 25 and I never had sex before. (there's a lot of past problems that contributed to me waiting for so long. Watching my dad cheat on my mom as a child, anorexia, etc). He was the first guy I tried with. (He usually sleeps with a girl and then begins dating her. I'm one of the rare exceptions.) But not only did it hurt, I felt uneasy about it when I kept meeting past flings he'd been with. It's like, I've waited this long and oh, there's another girl that you had sex with. I had to hang out and smile with several girl friends of his who he had regular hook ups with. He never understood why this bothered me. I always asked how he would felt if he met a past guy I'd been with and he said since he wasn't in that situation, he couldnt imagine it. (The first night we met he made out with one of his friends, he later denied this when I asked if there was anything that would make it uncomfortable being friends with both of them, but another friends of ours blabbed. After that, girl after girl slowly started coming out).

 

So, it's not that I wasn't ready to have sex. It was just very hard for me feel completely 100 percent comfortable with the decision. I don't expect guys my age not to have a past or not to have slept with other girls. But whenever I met a new friend of his who is a girl, I would wonder if they'd slept together. And I could usually figure it out based solely on body language and how they interacted. I don't think I should have to wonder if a guy has slept with every friend of his. That does bother me. It's like, hey, I deemed you special enough to sleep with, but am I just another girl for you?

 

Anyway, he text me about the sleeping together part and how's sorry that pushed us apart. But I was getting ready to try it again with him when he became super needy, and that turned the physical appeal off for me. I've always been super attracted to him. But when he pushed himself on me, it was unattractive.

 

Now I'm kind of mad that he was sooo nonchalant in his message. I've been crying my eyes out the last few days. And when we were together, I thought about changing my life for him. Being with him long term would mean I'd have to change a lot about who I am/my career and goals. And I thought about it. And he had talked about us being long term and he once told me that he saw us getting married and having a family together down the line.

 

But his text just makes it seem like it's another break up with another girl. How do I deal with these feelings?

[ALonerAgain]

At the risk of sounding harsh, I think he's just using you: playing on YOUR insecurities to make himself feel better.

 

Think about it: if he's so insecure that he has to be surrounded by this 'hareem' of women pandering to his sexual and/or emotional needs, surely he would be able to leave you well alone?

 

You've already said that you broke up with him because you want different things and from what you've said, that includes sharing different perspectives: because of your issues you waited for the 'right' time to have sex whereas he has admitted that he likes getting physical and can't see how his female company could possibly be a 'problem'. I think it's irrelevent whether or not he got physical with any/all of them. It was enough to signal a red flag. Listen to your gut feeling.

 

I think you do both share the same insecurity though: I think on some level you both don't think your good enough for each other; you both want to think your so special - from his view, you left him; his ego has been bruised so he goes running to his 'back-up supply' to help pump him up again. You, on the other hand have found it hard to believe that his words could mean so little: I bet you were secretly hoping he would change instead of just beggin you back. Now you see that he hasn't, you're doubting whether you gave up too easily.

 

I know, cos I've been there. Somehow, despite US having left, we end up feeling like the victim.

 

It's hard, but it only shows that there's a whole lot of growing and healing that you have to do FOR YOURSELF. Let him (or someone else) take care of him. Accept that you will feel like sh*t for awhile, but that YOU can do something about it. And NO MORE TEXTS!

[Kristie16]

Yeah, definitely no more texts. But like my friend was saying through all this, maybe I was giving him too much credit. And I think I was. By texting him I now see that I was giving him too much credit.

 

I know we both had insecurities. I was always scared he was going to cheat on me. Having seen my dad do it to my mom, it is going to be something I always deal with. And I told him that and explained my insecurities and what I needed from him to overcome that and not make it an issue. But from the get-go he lied about making out with that girl the night we met and having hooked up with her in the past. I always caught him in little lies about his past with girls. I know he never cheated on me when we were together, but just catching him in the lie at the very beginning was enough to always make me keep my guard up.

 

It just stinks because it sounds like we have similar insecurities but we handle them in differing ways and they played off of each other in a negative way. He's insecure so he turns to girls to randomly sleep with. Well, knowing that is how he handles his insecurity makes me insecure. What was to say if we got into a fight he wouldn't go and try to hook up with a girl to feel better about himself?

[ALonerAgain]

Well, if you have to ask the question - then you don't really need the answer!

 

You don't trust him. Plain and simple. You want to but you can't: there are too many of these little 'lies' (or illusions) that tell you otherwise.

 

And it's intriguing that you find his neediness both an attraction (in that you want to help him overcome his insecurity issue) and yet a repulsion at the same time.

 

In my experience, most guys don't essentially change - they'll just keep looking for someone to fit in with them (although my last ex hid it better and tried to fit in with me. It didn't work).

[Kristie16]

Yeah, I know it's interesting that I'm both attracted and repulsed by his neediness. I think a lot of it has to do with I see a lot of myself in him. I was anorexic and suffered from depression as a child/teen and only a few years ago really starting developing self-confidence and some self-worth.

He also suffered from depression as a teen (and I think still has it) and tried to commit suicide but never sought any sort of help or never was really able to talk to anybody about it. I'm the first person he ever opened up to about any of that stuff.

 

Granted I still have a lot of issues, but I've learned how to identify them and talk about them and deal with them (somewhat). When I started feeling like my happiness and self-worth were being brought down by him and his lifestyle, I knew (as hard as it's been/going to be), I needed to make a change. He still hasn't realized that he can do that himself.

 

And I soooo badly want to help him to, I guess, become more self-aware and realize he can stand up for himself and he makes his lot in life. It's up to him to become the person he wants to become.

 

You're dead on about not changing but looking for a girl who fits what he needs. See, I fit what he needed in that I didn't cheat on him and he could trust me, he could introduce me to his parents and they wouldn't get on him about "settling," I could have real conversations with him and be there for him, which he couldn't always rely on with past gfs for. But I also couldn't fulfill him sexually or the fact that he needed to know I was always down the street from him and could always come over at a drop of a hat. So he's just going to try to find another girl who can do all that. (and personally, I don't think there is a girl out there like that.)

 

He once said he liked that I was independent with my own goals. But we also started fighting a lot more lately because I would want the occasional night out with girlfriends or needed to work late one night and wasn't able to see him. He wanted the positives that came with my independence but also some of the characteristics of a dependent girl.

Edited February 24, 2011 by Kristie16

[ALonerAgain]

Yeah, I know it's interesting that I'm both attracted and repulsed by his neediness. I think a lot of it has to do with I see a lot of myself in him. I was anorexic and suffered from depression as a child/teen and only a few years ago really starting developing self-confidence and some self-worth.

 

That's a valid point because most often people have a knack of attracting 'mirrors' of themselves. I know this has been a big pattern for me. Perhaps this is where the comfort comes from: that perhaps we have found an 'equal'; someone who understands our pain. Of course, as you know, that doesn't mean sh** if neither of you are going to do anything about it; it just means you become dependent on bringing each other 'up' because of this shared experience. Eventually, one of you becomes emotionally freer and decides that actually, you can grow up by yourself - even if that means having to grow apart.

 

 

 

He also suffered from depression as a teen (and I think still has it) and tried to commit suicide but never sought any sort of help or never was really able to talk to anybody about it. I'm the first person he ever opened up to about any of that stuff.

 

So, he was using you as an emotional blanket? It's nice to feel wanted.

 

Granted I still have a lot of issues, but I've learned how to identify them and talk about them and deal with them (somewhat). When I started feeling like my happiness and self-worth were being brought down by him and his lifestyle, I knew (as hard as it's been/going to be), I needed to make a change. He still hasn't realized that he can do that himself.

 

Self awareness is the best thing going for you right now. Believe that you made the right choice and that you had the courage to walk away from something so unhealthy.

 

And I soooo badly want to help him to, I guess, become more self-aware and realize he can stand up for himself and he makes his lot in life. It's up to him to become the person he wants to become.

 

It's natural to want to share our 'new found wisdom'. My sister is all about the 'home-truths' and won't hesitate in telling her exes where they went wrong and what they need to work on (because she still cares, even if they don't). I, on the other hand, am not into the whole rescuing thing. Sorry, but if I have to go through this sh** on my own, so must they. It's the only way to learn.

 

You're dead on about not changing but looking for a girl who fits what he needs. See, I fit what he needed in that I didn't cheat on him and he could trust me, he could introduce me to his parents and they wouldn't get on him about "settling," I could have real conversations with him and be there for him, which he couldn't always rely on with past gfs for. But I also couldn't fulfill him sexually or the fact that he needed to know I was always down the street from him and could always come over at a drop of a hat. So he's just going to try to find another girl who can do all that. (and personally, I don't think there is a girl out there like that.)

 

He once said he liked that I was independent with my own goals. But we also started fighting a lot more lately because I would want the occasional night out with girlfriends or needed to work late one night and wasn't able to see him. He wanted the positives that came with my independence but also some of the characteristics of a dependent girl.

 

So, do you think in having all these 'girls' around him, with differing personalities and qualities, that he could make up his dream woman??

 

Let him be. He's not worth it. And the sad thing is that he until he's ready to believe that he IS, he'll just continue living in his fantasy-land.

 

Btw, it would be interesting to know what he's like with his mum/dad...

[Kristie16]

Well, I can't say he was using me as an emotional blanket. He told me after I told him about my past with anorexia, depression and being a virgin. I was very open about everything in my past. I didn't share too early, but I did say, hey, this is what you need to know about me. I guess that's why I'm sort of upset because I was straight from the beginning about who I was and my issues. He knew sex was a big deal for me and he said that's OK. Then today's text said "I thought that it was something that wasn't a big deal, but it turned out I was wrong."

I've always made it a big deal (which I know is an issue of itself), but my point is I've always been up front with everything. He knew where I stood. He knew my insecurity issues. He knew I had a career. For him to pull that sex card is BS.

He, on the other hand, is not entirely truthful and I got tired of learning that while what he told me was technically true, it's not really.

For example, when we started dating he knew that I place a lot of important on education and having a career. I never said that out loud, but I think he could understand that. So he told me he had done three years and was going to school part-time to finish and wanted to be a teacher. Well, he's attended school for three years but has he completed three years? No, because he failed a couple classes. And yes, he was enrolled when we started dating and going out but was he actually doing the work and did he really want to finish school? No. But he adapted himself to what he thought I wanted -- at least on the surface.

 

He adapts himself to whomever he's with. I'm not religious so he wasn't religious. But I later learned he'd gone to church with other ex-gfs who were.

 

As for his parents, I know that's a big reason why he is the way he is. He has a chip on his shoulder, and he has said he's the black sheep of his family. His parents are very cold. His older sister is a doctor, his other one has a Master's degree and a family. He always talked about how he didn't come from money like I did and that somehow changes things. Well, I've seen where he grew up and met his whole family, I can tell you that he did not come from a disadvantaged background at all.

 

He's the only one in the family who drinks and has pre-marital sex. His family is also really religious, and while he has gone to church before because of other girlfriends/friends, I don't think he really is. but who knows? I don't even know anymore.

 

And I know people might wonder why I got into this relationship if we seem so different. The thing is, he told me everything I wanted to hear. He knew so well to adapt himself to who I was looking for. After a while, through his actions and learning details here and there, I realized a lot of what he presented wasn't totally true. But I was already too far in at that point and trying to make it work, thinking it'll work out eventually.

[Kristie16]

He text me this morning, about an hour ago, which I find funny since he said he'd only do it when I reached out. I guess maybe it's because I text him earlier this week. But left unsatisfied with his response when I text him on Wednesday, I became determined to do NC. He text me this morning wishing me luck and saying he knows I'll do amazing at my new job that I start tomorrow and saying he's thinking of me. He also started it with, "I know you may not want to hear from me," which is the same way I started my text earlier this week.

 

I feel like I'll look like a bi*ch if I don't at least respond with a "Thanks. I appreciate that." But then I think that's not even necessary. I just shouldn't say anything, because he just wants to keep the line of communication open.