True Love vs. Practical Love

[lovnlost]

I was in a relationship that was full of what I would definately call true love....we split up do to distance and other issues...mainly hers. She went back to her ex-husband for practical love....she knew her and her boys would be financially provided for comfortably rather than pursuing true love together with me. She did this abruptly and I think she will find that love like this cant be swept under the carpet. Her loss as I see it....wounds are still fresh though.

 

I wanted to get peoples opinion on this. What does this mean to you and how do your situations measure up? How would you define the two?

 

I have also posted this in the Marriage and life partnership section and may possibly put in the Divorce section. I think it would be very interesting to see how all the view points compare.

Edited March 22, 2011 by lovnlost

[2sure]

To me, true love MUST also be practical love ie: financial compatibility, logistics, all of it. Life includes those things. A real love , a love that lasts a lifetime...has to be a mixture of many qualities for a partnership to really form.

[depplover_1980]

I agree with 2 sure - that long lasting love is something that lasts the tests of time and challenges. I'm sorry to say this to you, but have you considered you were simply an obstacle in the path of true love of her and her husband? It might do you well to face this possible reality, as it cannot be healthy for you to think you've lost this huge true love when perhaps you simply had lust and passion.

[lovnlost]

Well said depplover...I have contemplated this. I know that the two are combined. I have let her go 2 times already to pursue her ex and kid as a family again. She came back each time. I dont expect it to happen again this time. That aside, I know she has chosen a more practical path for her, when she knew she could have both with me and our children together. She lacked the strength to move forward. You see, when people see obstacles, chances, and risks to obtain what they want or feel they need the most, they very often choose easiest path. Therefore never bringing to light what "could" be. Its a quality I find lacking in so many. It hurts to see this amongst people I know. As well as happen before my eyes. I wish more people took the risks. To know...to finally know....rather than sit...and wonder at what could have been. Make any sense...bahh...im rambling tonight anyway.

[timchambo]

sorry, you sound like your in denial man. It's very possible that I am biased since my ex left and started dating someone else she met at work because of this "passion". The common denominator, these women cannot control their emotions.

[FreeNow]

I think she will find that love like this cant be swept under the carpet.

 

IF she ever matures, she won't even look back much on the "love like this". If she remains immature, then you're probably right. But then again, what do you get... someone who doesn't understand and won't mature to experience real love.

 

 

practical love = real love

 

 

Real love is the enduring, mature, continual choice based type of love. It's the love of free will.

[lovnlost]

Depplover....from what you say about lust and passion it occurs to me that most of the individuals in this break up section would be suffering from this rather than the true love experience mentioned. I feel this do to the time frame of alot of the events. And perhaps the age of the people posting. They seem younger. I am in my 30's and have been in what I call love several times before....but have never experienced what I have this time around. Perhaps why I am here trying to read other's experiences and trying to learn more about my own so I dont repeat mistakes and so that I can grow. Also, she was in her marriage for 6 years, 3 of which she defined as miserable by her. I dont think I was an obstacle, perhaps an out. I still think emotionally insecure individuals usually take the path of least resistance because they dont know how to handle the uncertainty and joy of what CAN be with someone. Just my opinion.

 

Freenow: she is emotionally immature and does not understand that the two are compbined yet. Those that get it know the two are combined.

 

timchambo: Yes....I am in a bit of denial with how swift and sudden everything happened lol. But I assure you I understand my place to her now. And would never take her back unless it was on my terms and we started completely new. Because a 2nd chance, means a different relationship than before otherwise it wont work. Also...to be honest I am in my anger phase after 5-6 weeks and exploring different concepts with it lol. Im trying to positive, truly I am. I have never been cheated on emotionally before.

[purplepanda]

If she's already done it twice then she's obviously immature. O.o Sheesh...it actuallys sounds pretty selfish to me, if she really believes that financial stability is the issue for her children or whatever. :/ Otherwise, she's a liarrrr.

[depplover_1980]

I don't see how you can make sweeping statements about most stories on the board, based on what I suggested you had with this woman being lust and passion as opposed to 'true love'. I would not look my nose down at younger people and make out they were not emotionally formed enough to know their own minds.

 

Something sprung out at me with you saying you'd felt love before but nothing like this; have you considered you'd not felt heavy sexual chemistry before and you do with her, thus making it all the difference? Also I don't see how you can love her yet constantly call her immature?

 

Sorry, if it looks like i'm having a go, but I have method in my madness usually. x

[lovnlost]

I don't see how you can make sweeping statements about most stories on the board, based on what I suggested you had with this woman being lust and passion as opposed to 'true love'. I would not look my nose down at younger people and make out they were not emotionally formed enough to know their own minds.

 

Something sprung out at me with you saying you'd felt love before but nothing like this; have you considered you'd not felt heavy sexual chemistry before and you do with her, thus making it all the difference? Also I don't see how you can love her yet constantly call her immature?

 

Sorry, if it looks like i'm having a go, but I have method in my madness usually. x

 

Just because I love someone immensely does not mean I cant point out their faults even when I am happy with them. I do not lose the ability to be self aware or completely blind. I have many short comings as well. But I loved irregardless of her faults as she loved me even with mine. Nobody is perfect and we accept this when we allow ourselves to be close to another.

 

Regarding sweeping statements...perhaps that was wrong of me to be so general...but you know as well as I do that age and experience are a huge factor in discovering and learning feelings within ourselves and about others and their nature. I did not say they "weren't emotionally formed enough to know their own minds." You did. Please dont get upset at me for simply speaking my mind. I am simply more direct than most. And you cant walk through life without stepping on a toe or two because everyone is so different. That is what makes people so wonderful.

[depplover_1980]

Clearly I am not afraid to step on a toe or two myself, otherwise I wouldn't have pulled you up on what I thought were patronising statements. I simply saw more than one reference to questioning peoples maturity and I cannot deem her choice as something that is 'immature' and I think you're angry and tag her with that as it's obviously impacted negatively on your life.

 

Anyway, how have you left things with her? Have you heard from her at all? Do you live alone?

[Graceful]

Sorry, but I don't even agree with the way you labeled your version of two "types" of love. No real love can exist without a combination of qualities and values, and there may be many, many versions of love, based on the values of the people involved. The very idea you claim your ex went back to her husband and kids to resume her family life as "practical" is a big assumption on your part.

 

I prefer to look at love on a range of let's say, 1 to 10 (or pick any numerical range) in terms of intensity, devotion, depth of commitment, and so forth.

 

A "1" is just enough love to be able to say "I love you" to someone and mean it, but without any real depth and commitment. It might even be the most confused love at the early phase of a relationship, based on physical chemistry and "passion" (which really is more chemical than emotional, sorry to be so unromantic, but it does wear off); as you go up the scale, love gets deeper and deeper, until you reach a "10" which is where you should be for marriage. True, deep, total commitment, devotion, the "I would do anything for you" type of love, fully realized and processed. This is the depth of love that brings two people together and keeps them there.

 

If your ex went back to her husband, maybe she doesn't feel a "10" for him, I don't know, but she doesn't feel a "10" for you either. She might be blocked by her own issues and fears, but I don't think she feels "true" love for you and another type for him, she just doesn't have any level of intensity and that's a sad reality for her.

 

What you may mean by the variance of people on this board is that b/c some of the relationships are not long-lasting, they may not really reach the level of intensity of true commitment and devotion (they didn't last long enough to get to that level), but there are people on this board of all ages who have felt "true" love nonetheless, even if it is at the lower end of the range.

 

I fell deeply in love when I was young, and it was true love. I was just too young at the time to be thinking about marriage or that long lasting devotion. But if someone told me it wasn't true love? I would not agree with that at all.

 

That's my POV, FWIW. Hope it helps, Take care.

 

I was in a relationship that was full of what I would definately call true love....we split up do to distance and other issues...mainly hers. She went back to her ex-husband for practical love....she knew her and her boys would be financially provided for comfortably rather than pursuing true love together with me. She did this abruptly and I think she will find that love like this cant be swept under the carpet. Her loss as I see it....wounds are still fresh though.

 

I wanted to get peoples opinion on this. What does this mean to you and how do your situations measure up? How would you define the two?

 

I have also posted this in the Marriage and life partnership section and may possibly put in the Divorce section. I think it would be very interesting to see how all the view points compare.

[hoping2heal]

I was in a relationship that was full of what I would definately call true love....we split up do to distance and other issues...mainly hers. She went back to her ex-husband for practical love....she knew her and her boys would be financially provided for comfortably rather than pursuing true love together with me. She did this abruptly and I think she will find that love like this cant be swept under the carpet. Her loss as I see it....wounds are still fresh though.

 

I wanted to get peoples opinion on this. What does this mean to you and how do your situations measure up? How would you define the two?

 

I have also posted this in the Marriage and life partnership section and may possibly put in the Divorce section. I think it would be very interesting to see how all the view points compare.

 

 

When I think of the phrase true love, I think of something that is genuine. I have had what I would call feelings of being in love prior to my current RS, but I could not call any of them true love. It took me all that time to figure out what it means to be honest and genuine and vulnerable with another person. Its the most rewarding thing I have ever done, but I am not sure I would know how to do it again with anyone but current partner.

It sounds like your ex made what she felt was the best decision for her children, she is just being a good mother and looking out for her kids. If she never is able to have a genuine relationship with her ex, yes I believe she certainly will miss what that feels like.

 

Are you without a job and stable life

[lovnlost]

Depplover? or Deeplover? I haven't figured out which yet. I want to apologize for being a bit....off or even overly direct in my statements. You brought up something that I think scared me. To think I would have put so much thought, effort, planning of future, my child's future into ideas as simple, and not so, as lust and passion. I had to step back...and I should have done so sooner to think on that before I responded. So in the immortal words of someone...."my bad!" I have experienced that kind of relationship before and nothing affecting me remotely the same way as this did....which is why I know it was real...of substance. Whatever intense label you want to give it. Please forgive me. And...yes...I think I mentioned above that I am a bit angry. I feel justified in that but others do not deserve my wrath....period. How has she left me? High and dry. We were fine one week...had a beautiful weekend together....had a tough week the next...then presto!?!?! Out of left field comments and phrases that in no way coincided with the way we were currently talking to one another. We text for a couple days then I tried to call her and let her know I was coming to see her in person. As I wanted closure in a proper manner, for me, and for her. She said no because she couldnt handle that. Well...I show up anyway. She isnt there. Come to find out she is having a weekend with her ex husband somewhere. Then again a couple weeks later. She had to be premeditating this or planning this in advance for it to happen so swiftly I think. She is not impulsive. She left me bs reasons....rather than telling me hey, im going back to my ex. I can handle that. I appreciate honesty. I may not like it sometimes...but I respect it. After trying to get in contact with her that weekend she sent me an angry email and that I must stop trying to talk to her. So....I did. Haven't heard a peep....nor have I tried to contact her. Doesn't mean I don't want to...I just know I can't. And not to please her either. But for my healing. I don't live alone. I live with and take care of my daughter. Work and go to school. Every parents dream right?

 

Graceful....I really appreciate your point of view. And I agree with the many types of love and levels you are referring too....but it would take a life time to discuss such matters as every situation is different and so much is interpreted differently. But you mentioned a word I wish we all didnt have to suffer so much from. Fear. Its dangerous and so much hurt comes from it. And I know how dangerous assumptions are...but....I know her heart. You get to a point with someone and all you have to do is look into their eyes and they tell/show you everything you need to know. Words are very often not needed. So I think I was spot on. And why I dont think she wanted to see me in person to break up respectfully or properly...or dare I say in a mature way. We were growing to what would have been a 10 I think....but not now.

 

Hoping to heal....You mentioned that she is looking out for her kids. I dont believe that going back to an ex is looking out for her kids. Its a band aid solution. I think our children need to see us as parents pursuing what love is and being involved in a relationship that is full of love. So that they hear what it sounds like, see what it looks like, what it feels like coming from parents to them. They need to see how important that is so that they may bring the same level and experiences and knowledge of love to their own relationships down the road. It starts a chain reaction or domino affect. I want my child to see this quality in me so she learns from my example...not my telling her that "this is the way it should be" but stumble when she asks why it isnt. We are a product of our own environments and it is SO hard to break free from that and grow on our own....sometimes. Know what I mean? I hope you dont take offense to what I am saying...I am not attacking you. I just have really strong feelings on this topic. I loved what you said about being vulnerable with another person.....that....that is a beautiful feeling. Like none other. And yes I have a job and am stable. Great group of friends for support as well...thank you for asking.

[Graceful]

How has she left me? High and dry. We were fine one week...had a beautiful weekend together....had a tough week the next...then presto!?!?! Out of left field comments and phrases that in no way coincided with the way we were currently talking to one another. We text for a couple days then I tried to call her and let her know I was coming to see her in person. As I wanted closure in a proper manner, for me, and for her. She said no because she couldnt handle that. Well...I show up anyway. She isnt there. Come to find out she is having a weekend with her ex husband somewhere. She left me bs reasons....rather than telling me hey, im going back to my ex. I can handle that. I appreciate honesty. I may not like it sometimes...but I respect it. After trying to get in contact with her that weekend she sent me an angry email and that I must stop trying to talk to her. So....I did. Haven't heard a peep....nor have I tried to contact her. Doesn't mean I don't want to...I just know I can't. And not to please her either. But for my healing. I don't live alone. I live with and take care of my daughter. Work and go to school. Every parents dream right?

Graceful....I really appreciate your point of view. And I agree with the many types of love and levels you are referring too....but it would take a life time to discuss such matters as every situation is different and so much is interpreted differently. But you mentioned a word I wish we all didnt have to suffer so much from. Fear. Its dangerous and so much hurt comes from it. And I know how dangerous assumptions are...but....I know her heart.

I understand completely where you are coming from here, and in taking this stand, I am sure you do know her heart. Fear is a driving force in all our lives, and I even read a book about fear that was one of the best books I ever read in terms of giving me some guidance about the idea that fear will be a "friend" our entire lives, what we have to do is learn to manage fear, break through it, feel it, and take the fearful course of action anyway, which takes courage. And it's confusing, very confusing to figure out when we should pay attention to fear, and when we should break through it. It does sound like your ex caved in to fear, especially in the way she handled breaking up with you. It probably was one of the hardest things she has ever done, and she couldn't handle it, she was fearful of telling you to your face. I have to agree though, she should have at least been honest, even if she didn't tell you face to face, she did owe you honesty. So the anger you feel is justified, and probably healthy. All you can do is ultimately cut her some slack for her fears and try with all your might not to take it personally. I know!! A very difficult task!!

 

We're still raised with this "happily ever after" fantasy in mind, to grow up and get married to the love of our lives. Your ex must have wanted to continue on trying to make her marriage work based on her core beliefs. Had nothing to do with you. Had nothing to do with your relationship. That's why she must have lashed out at you and shut you out. She compartmentalized and "did what she had to do" to get back to her core beliefs. She had to compartmentalize her thoughts in order to get on with her plan to resume life with her family.

 

Not trying to say how she treated you was proper or right at all. Just looking at it from her standpoint, in that way, it's a little easier to see how she managed to shut you out seemingly swiftly and "easily" -- but there's no telling what's going on in her heart, b/c she can't shut that out or down, just because she broke up with you.

 

Like many of the situations on this board, it's complicated. And yes, we could talk about the definition and composition of love for the rest of our lives, and it would still remain a mystery. But we do it anyway .... Keep the faith, you have a daughter to take care of and I respect how difficult it must be to juggle your emotions at a time like this. Take care.

[depplover_1980]

Lovenlost - how long has this been going on with her?

 

The reason I challenged you regarding your sweeping statement was because I sensed you were really feeling sorry for yourself, putting yourself in some tragic love bubble which no body could possibly understand!? It sparked discussion that has hopefully enabled you to look at things more clearly?

[betterdeal]

I was in a relationship that was full of what I would definately call true love....we split up do to distance and other issues...mainly hers. She went back to her ex-husband for practical love....she knew her and her boys would be financially provided for comfortably rather than pursuing true love together with me.

 

You mean, you had a passionate affair, but her affection for her husband and children was more durable. I despise the connotation that passion is more true, pure, right, than affection. One being "true" and the other a mere "practical" aspect of life. Both exist, both are true, if you feel it, it's a true feeling.

 

Passion is fun, and drives us through some extraordinary events, but affection has its place too. Denigrating affection by implying it's less true than passion just shows how unstable, how untenable a relationship based on passion is. We can enjoy both passion and affection in our lives. To exclude one in favour of the other is to deny our feelings, and our feelings are all that is true, that is real.

 

I hope your ex resolves her problems with her husband and they let the affection win over fear, and maybe even rekindle the passion as a result. Equally, I hope you find a way to live that makes you happy and someone with whom you share an affectionate love as well as the enriching feelings of lust and passion.

[East7]

Hey LovenLost, been there, done that..

 

I am around your age and I experienced a long-distance love affair with a MW. The passion and lust was tremendous, we said so many words of love, we were both crazy about each-other. It lasted 1.5 yrs until I got tired and she decided to stay with her H.

 

At some point we even talked settling together and marriage but as your case she freaked out when she thought all the work it takes as one of us had to move and she has a baby to take look after. So for these "practical" issues she decided to stay with H as he was a good father.

 

A MW who has babies makes a big difference with one who hasn't. A mother is able to put aside her strongest feelings if she thinks that the kids will be effected. Besides that, some women are just too weak to leave the security and comfort their H is offering them (if the guy is decent and a good father).

 

She might be as well really in love with you but she loves more her comfort and security...you see..Is that true Love? I dunno, no wasting time with philosophy what real love is. I see the actions only.

 

Let her deal alone with her M without you in the picture. Don't allow her to have the cake and eat it too.

 

And you will find much more support on the Other man/woman section : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f57/

Edited March 25, 2011 by East7

[betterdeal]

Besides that, some women are just too weak to leave the security and comfort their H is offering them (if the guy is decent and a good father).

 

Go live on the streets of Mogadishu if you think liking comfort and security is a weakness.

[East7]

Go live on the streets of Mogadishu if you think liking comfort and security is a weakness.

 

I'm sorry but you are deforming my point. It is not like the guy is living in Somalia and the MW in US or UK. I'm not talking about comfort=having food and a roof.

 

There are so many factors that married people stay where they are : kids/comfort/finances etc etc. Some stay because they are cake eaters, period, they want the spouse and the thrill/passion elsewhere. They complete with AP the part that is missing in their marriage, so they can have it all. Paradoxally the longer affairs last, the less the MP are keen to leave their M for the OP. Why changing anything when they can have the cake and eat it too ? Well...at least until they are caught and confronted by the spouse

[Ross PK]

Yeah, stop deforming his point.

[FreeNow]

Freenow: she is emotionally immature and does not understand that the two are compbined yet. Those that get it know the two are combined.

 

Exactly. However, unless I misunderstood your title and initial post, you seem to be dividing up "real love" into two separate types. That division is an illusion, IMHO.

 

My take on your OP is that with you she has romantic experiences whereas she is more pragmatic (i.e. mature) when she considers the big picture.

 

JMO, but she caters to her immature side when she engages the relationship between the two of you.

 

Regardless, until/when/if ever she figures out the reality of loving another and being loved; what is there really?

 

One gives enough opportunity to such a situation but eventually must face the reality that it's probably a dead horse unless one is willing to settle for something less than "real love". Meh... life is too short as it is to waste time on such things.

 

Advice I would've give myself many years ago: Give things a serious go and if they don't work out move on. That's just the way it is.

[lovnlost]

Graceful...your words are as pleasant as your call sign here in the forum. Truly Graceful.

 

East7....thanks for the post. Its nice to hear from someone who has experienced something similar. I came on this forum looking for answers as to how and why SHE was acting. It was so left field and a turn of events. I dont think I even saw that portion of the forum. Perhaps I will go there. I think it was real. But your right. I need to leave her to figure things out for herself with her now EX husband. She is I think, a cake eater as you said. I have seen many of these people in my life and the next few months will prove this or not.

 

She made this BIG scene on Fb about being upset and left very angry and publicly. 6 weeks later I saw a "mutual friend" thing in the corner of my screen of someone I knew and low and behold there is her name. Unbelievable. Social networking sucks! I wish I never saw that name there...but there it was. What ever...im still not breaking no contact.

 

Sorry took so long to respond. Left to go sailing and hit the coast to clear my head for a few days. Needed the get away.

[East7]

East7....thanks for the post. Its nice to hear from someone who has experienced something similar. I came on this forum looking for answers as to how and why SHE was acting. It was so left field and a turn of events. I dont think I even saw that portion of the forum. Perhaps I will go there. I think it was real. But your right. I need to leave her to figure things out for herself with her now EX husband. She is I think, a cake eater as you said. I have seen many of these people in my life and the next few months will prove this or not.

 

Sorry but what does it mean now ex-H ? Is she still with him or not ?

 

Secondly, you sound being strong about the whole thing. It is not easy... Most of us (xOM) have really a hard time getting over someone who we believed was a wonderful and real Love (well, maybe it was at the moment you shared it).

At some point you just tell yourself, it was not meant to be and you let it go. It is better to be out of the picture when she is dealing with her M. Keeping contact with her is very counter-productive because it will make her comfortable with the situation and she will be even less encouraged to leave. Why leaving when she can have the H and an OM, best of both worlds ?

If you stay out of the picture she will have to face the situation with her H and take a decision.

 

She made this BIG scene on Fb about being upset and left very angry and publicly. 6 weeks later I saw a "mutual friend" thing in the corner of my screen of someone I knew and low and behold there is her name. Unbelievable. Social networking sucks! I wish I never saw that name there...but there it was. What ever...im still not breaking no contact.

Still not very clear. Do you mean she is still on your FB list ? You have to delete and block her, not because you hate her but for being in peace during your NC. FB is a mess when it comes to relationship with a married person. You don't want to see her life with her H and where they go.

Sorry took so long to respond. Left to go sailing and hit the coast to clear my head for a few days. Needed the get away.

Sailing sounds super nice. Keep us updated

[betterdeal]

I'm sorry but you are deforming my point. It is not like the guy is living in Somalia and the MW in US or UK. I'm not talking about comfort=having food and a roof.

 

I don't believe I did deform your point. I think you misunderstood mine: you gave your interpretation of reality a judgmental twinge i.e. they are too weak in your eyes, whereas it is easy to show this weakness to actually be as valid a consideration for even an apparently hopeless romantic as you by just finding a level of discomfort and insecurity that even you refuse to consider for love.

 

Where on our own personal scale of importance that each of us values, say, financial security, our children etcetera is not a matter of strength or weakness. To presume anyone is weak for making choices that perhaps don't fit with your value system does not make your value system valid or indeed relevant to anyone but you and anyone who chooses to become involved with you.