Houston, We Have Contact

[1784]

So I've been NC for a few days shy of a month and I got a text message last night at around 8:30pm -

 

"I really miss you"

 

Of course I didn't answer. It was very difficult not to but I figured she was just looking for a response of similar sentimentality that would stroke her ego. I wanted to respond, though.

 

What do I do now?

[TheLoneSock]

You already know what to do. Just keep on trucking.

[1784]

But ultimately I would like the chance to revisit things with her. What's my strategy?

[GreenPolicy]

I'm a big proponent of NC, but I think it's a coping and healing tool you implement when there is no hope. In your shoes, I would reply back and say that you have respected her decision to end the relationship, and she needs to respect your desire to heal and move on, and you wish her well. If she wants to get back together, she'll say so. If not, then all she's doing here is throwing you breadcrumbs. NC to me is not a strict "I will have no contact with her no matter what," it's more along the lines of "I will not initiate contact with her."

 

You have nothing to lose by asking her exactly why she is contacting you and if it's not for the reason you want (reconciliation), then she needs to give you space to heal.

[1784]

Ya know, I want to completely agree with you, but I don't. I've read enough about NC on this forum and from other resources to understand that it is a necessary coping strategy - for my own recovery. I see the logic in it and have been implementing it over the last month. And ALAS, she was the one who reached out and threw me a scrap to chew on.

 

What I don't agree with is the business-like mentality of handling her contact. This is where I feel the LS mob mentality affects everyone. This is a person we're talking about. The relationship did not end "badly", it was just really sad that it did end. And yes, she was the one who ultimately decided to throw in the towel; but we were both teetering on this decision. Anyway, she reached out last night with what I feel was genuine emotion. She may be looking for her ego to be stroked but I don't think it's purposeful. I think she misses me. I think she MAY be having second thoughts (can't tell). It just wouldn't be me (the me I know and the me that she knows) to send a message that said "Why exactly are you contacting me"? I know why she's contacting me. Because she's hurting just like I am. I'm not saying that I should respond to her, because I haven't. But sending her a message that sounds like we've having a virtual business meeting? That just doesn't work for me. While the message behind it is, well, accurate, I'm not sure that's the way I want to go about conveying it.

 

I know everyone says "If she really wants to get back with you then she'll KNOCK DOWN YOUR DOOR to do it. Nothing will stop her". Pardon my doubts but this is not something she'd ever do. I think "breadcrumbs" is the only way she'll really check the waters. Maybe you'll all say "well then she never really wanted you enough", and maybe you'd be right. Obviously I'm confused and I'm trying to make sense out of everything in front of me (responses on LS, what my own insides are telling me, what she says or doesn't say, etc).

 

I appreciate the advice. I really do. That's why I'm here asking questions. There's just a part of me that doubts that NC is the end all be all of getting someone back. Like it's this magic formula. So of course I have to ask questions. I just don't want to lose the possibility of reconciling. POSSIBILITY. I just don't want to lose the chance by missing green lights. That's all.

 

Sorry for the rant. I'm just questioning a little but of everything right now. I don't know what to do.

[1784]

P.S. - she texted "I really miss you". I mean, if I responded "I miss you too" it'd only be the truth. I do miss her. It doesn't mean I want to get back together with her. It doesn't mean I'm even ready to approach a get together or a talk. It just means exactly what it says. The same as what she said. I do miss her.

[lawwal]

I'm with you, 1784. I'm in a similar boat. Our relationship ended as well as it could have, she moved out, and is actually living in the same apt complex, one floor up. I'm doing a modified NC where I almost never initiate contact, but if she does, I'm not going to wait 2 days to respond or talk differently than I normally would. She'd see right through the games and it would probably just drive her further away. So, we're seeing each other maybe 3-4 times a week and doing a lot of the stuff we used to do. But I let her make all the moves, and even though she hasn't come out and said she wants to try again, I can kind of feel it going in a positive direction. Hopefully, she just needs some time to gain clarity in her life or something.

 

The only thing I'd recommend for you is that instead of saying "I miss you" back, keep it light with none of that gushy, relationship stuff. You could somewhat ignore it and reply back with something interesting that happened that day or something like that that could get a good conversation going. If there's something that you used to always do together like a TV show that you always watched together, you can try saying..hey, whatever show is on...wanna come watch?..something low pressure but also something you know you both like..and see where it goes from there.

[1784]

I appreciate the response, lawwal. I don't think asking her to come over or anything of the sort is really the best idea right now. We've been NC for almost exactly a month. To transition from absolutely nothing to "come on over" is a bit too much. Also, I think it'll feed her ego. As in, "wow, I just sent him one text and he's already inviting me over. That was easy!". I don't want that. I want her to realize that bailing on us was a mistake. I want her to appreciate what we had. And I don't think there's any easy way to accomplish this except to stay NC or at the VERY least, LC. I can't force her into my wishes but I sure can make it a lot harder on her by not giving her the little ego boosts that she needs to get over me.

 

I'm still debating a response. If I should respond at all, that is. All I really do want to say is "I miss you too". Honestly. That's it. No "Wanna get together?" or "What should we do now?". I don't want to talk about the relationship right now. Not until I feel I can be logical about it and less emotional.

[Rose T]

Hi 1784, LMAO at your thread title by the way, good to see you haven't lost your sense of humour!

 

You know, NC is a very effective antibiotic for killing off relationships and shortening the time needed for recovery. That's why it is so popular - because many, many relationships which end don't deserve to be revived and it really does get you better fast. However, as you rightly point out, you don't know if your relationship is not salvagable, so you don't want to nuke it with NC. I totally understand and have been there. In my most recent break-up, when my ex reached out, hurting, I replied, on the same level - just as you're proposing doing, mirroring her feelings. You had a relationship, you shared an important chapter of your life which still stands. You're both human and if you want to be sensitive to her pain and meet her half way with a response, then of course it's fine to do so.

 

I guess the important thing I would just say is that this kind of occasional contact can make you feel great and then really lousy. I stopped LC because it was killing me in the end. It started to feel like dancing in an out of the dying relationship, and eventually, after a few emotional exchanges, I had to implement NC and walk away. If a reconciliation isn't on the cards I imagine you'll potentially reach this stage, but in the meantime, there are no rules and if you want to reach out, you can do. Only when the voice within says, stop, I can't take this anymore, it's doing more harm than good to me, will you want to embrace NC. I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

[1784]

Thanks so much, Rose T. Can I ask your opinion on what a good response WOULD be? I'm really struggling with that one.

[GreenPolicy]

I would lay all your cards on the table and tell her that you are willing to work on rekindling the relationship and doing what is necessary to put things back together, but if she hems and haws and gets all wishy washy, then you have your answer. And as far as doubting the effectiveness of NC, do you think she'd be texting "I really miss you" if you had been laying on a full-court press the last month convincing her to take you back?

 

She's either testing the waters for reconciliation or she's just feeding you breadcrumbs. I understand your desire to figure out just exactly what she's up to, and in your shoes, I'd endeavor to find out. But if she's not 100 percent committed to working on fixing things and getting back together, then NC is your only option.

[LostMyHeart]

I tend to agree with your view on this 1784...NC is for finality when you know the relationship is over and you have to heal. I am NC with my ex for a very similar reason as Rose T...it was doing more harm than good.

 

If you still have feelings for this woman and you are the only one who truly knows her. If this is the first contact in this time period, no harm in returning the text with what you truly feel. However, if the conversation turns toward the relationship and you are not ready to talk about it...just be honest and state that. Defer, defer, defer...until you are ready.

[1784]

Yeah, GreenPolicy, I definitely do not doubt the power or NC. It's like the Force. And I know that's why she texted me, believe me. I do realize that.

 

HOWEVER...

 

I still don't agree with going full court press on the laying all my cards on the table. It just doesn't seem natural. To go from NC to a full on "Okay, what do we need to do to reconcile". I'd have to say that SHE would be like "i don't know. I'm not there yet". It's only been a month. But I do think letting her know that my head is still in the ballpark isn't the worst thing. I don't have to come off all pathetic to let her know that. I can just say that "it's been a month" and that "I'm working on being happy with myself". I don't know if THAT is what I'd say but you do get the idea, I hope.

 

I think she's definitely testing the waters. But I think she's doing it just to do it. I can't see how she would be ready to reconcile at this point. But I do think she'd like to know that "we" are something that's still a possibility. It is right? I dunno. It is human, though.

[Jerrica]

I would say it is okay to reply. BUT make sure you play it safe, don't show her any emotion from your end until you KNOW what she wants.

 

It could be just a breadcrumb, or she could genuinely miss you, this you do not know. Considering that she is female, she IS probably speaking how she feels. But even though she misses you, which is normal for both parties after a breakup, you still don't know if it's enough to want to reconcile. This is what I think you need to find out.

 

I would reply with something short like "I know, but remember this is what you want" or something and see what she says. but whatever you do, don't ask what she wants or pressure her, let her come to her own decision.

[TheLoneSock]

It doesn't mean I want to get back together with her. It doesn't mean I'm even ready to approach a get together or a talk.

 

But see, that doesn't seem to be the case:

 

ultimately I would like the chance to revisit things with her. What's my strategy?

 

You either want to be back together with her or you don't - any in between will only mess you (and her) up.

 

I might be wrong but I think you should first decide for certain if you want a future with her or not. If you do, then your NC will have to be adjusted, which is far more difficult. If you don't, you will have to completely ignore her.

[Rose T]

Thanks so much, Rose T. Can I ask your opinion on what a good response WOULD be? I'm really struggling with that one.

 

 

Well, just on a really human level, I'd probably say, "me too, hope you're ok" or something similar, you're not exposing your feelings or trying to push things forward, you're just showing you still care, which isn't a lie. I think it's nice to show that you're also big enough to ask after her, it shows you're not bitter or in victim mode. The problem after break-ups I think is when a dumpee starts to act like a victim, you really screw up your chances then, as relationships only thrive when the two people in them are equals. So you need to show you care, but that you're also strong.

 

Beware that it might make you feel great for about half an hour and then crappy for another 24 hours, especially if you don't hear any more from her, though... her "missing you" might not be the same as your sense of loss.

 

I had a bit of a moment like this during my recent break-up, I actually found myself in a church at one point saying, what do I reply?

 

I kind of got an answer back, I don't know to this day if someone was answering my prayer, but what I felt in my heart was this:

 

"it doesn't matter, because the relationship's over".

 

That was the truest moment of a very difficult time. So I replied warmly and truthfully to my ex on that occasion, knowing that we would never be together again, and that was also ok.

[SingVoice]

I agree with Rose T. I would say "me too" or "I miss you too" back.

 

As a female...I have bailed on a relationship before because I felt like things were never going to get better. And after I had some time to reflect...I realized that there were things I could have done differently too. Her telling you that she misses you might be her testing the waters...to see how you feel. In some ways that might have been a huge risk for her...because she has no idea how you feel. She might think you hate her or have another girlfriend or whatever.

 

Of course I could be totally off base and its just a breadcrumb. But seriously...if you don't tell her you miss her too than I think you are kind of ruining your chances. If she never responds...fine...go back to NC and thats it. But you have to give it a chance.

[Crazy4what]

Good luck man, just answer her back, even if you answer or not her decision will be the same.

[Flowerzzz]

1784,

 

This is what happened to me after 56 days of no contact & my ex called me...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t268363/

 

Be strong. I wasn't and it bit me in the butt.

 

I will never answer his call, return his call, or answer a text ever again. I learned my lesson.

 

Good Luck with whatever you do.

[TryTryAgain]

1784 - Dude, as we spoke about on Friday, I think our exes are very similar people (i.e. the selfishness factor). But it's situations like these that remind us that behind all of that selfishness is a person. Yes, she has faults, but it is clear you have embraced her for everything she is, including her faults. You know her better than anyone on these boards, so please just go with your gut instinct. I would agree with the others who have said just text back, "I miss you too." But leave it at that. Hopefully she opens up a little more after that. If she does not answer back, then go right back to NC.

 

When my ex and I reconciled the last time, our conversations were very casual at first. We met up once for drinks, then the next time for lunch. When there really wasn't anymore small talk to be had, I finally plainly stated, "why are we here?" She ended up spilling her guts to me about how miserable she was without me over the previous months. Now remember I hadn't seen her in almost 9 months at that point, so my situtaiton is a bit different. She had dated other people, as had I. But, my point is her initial "fishing" text to me ended up in a reconciliation.

 

Everyone's situtaiton is different. While my situation with a similarly selfish girl has not panned out, that does not have any bearing on your situation. Your ex is a different person and the ending to your story has not been written yet. Good luck with your text back to her. I'm sure you'll do fine.

[danrs]

"me too, hope you're ok"

 

I like that response. It acknowledges her, sends her well wishes, and lets you know you've thought of her too, but nothing else. The rest is up to her imagination, and leaves the door open for her to open up further if she choses. If she doesn't, you've lost no "face" with that response I think. You've done well with a month of NC. Time to maybe take it to another level (INC, initiate no contact).

 

Just don't hope for anything. It may be nothing, but it was a nice breadcrumb as far as breadcrumbs go. If it was your typical "hey" or "what's up", I'd say ignore it. But she's putting herself out there, even if only a little. Not an easy thing to do. Again, maybe nothing, but there may be doubts creeping into her brain. That doesn't mean she's changed her mind! She may, or she may not. But if she does, she'll feel less afraid to initiate reconcilliation if you're acknowledging her. Just don't initiate, and don't bring up the relationship.

 

Just one small step in many more steps to come in reconcilliation. We've seen the "I miss you" texts here many times that never turn into anything. Believe for now it means nothing. Respond, and continue moving on. The door will be open for her to then take the next step. But she may never take it, so be prepared to stay INC after your response.

 

If she'd been cheating on you or there were other problems, my advice would be different. But a civil "growing apart" or "needs some time" type thing like yours appears to be? I don't think there's harm in responding here AS LONG AS YOU DON'T SET YOURSELF BACK!!!

[1784]

Okay, so for all of you following this thread, I have an update...

 

I did decide to text her back. I went with my gut which told me that she really was just texting how she felt. She's a lot of things but she isn't one to play games nor is she cruel. Selfish, yes. Mean or unthoughtful, no. So here is what I said in my text:

 

"I miss you too, (insert name here)"

 

I received a response a few hours later (I actually wasn't really expecting one back). She said "I know we're not supposed to talk but I worry and think about you all the time. Would you be up for a call later?"

 

To which I responded a little over an hour later:

 

"Sure. I'll give you a call later tonight"

 

So I plan on calling her at 9:30. It's nearly 8:45 now. I just plan on taking it casually and seeing where it goes. No relationship talk. Just light and airy. I guess I'd say my main strategy is to use this conversation as a bridge to further communication. i don't plan on extending the contact a LOT further as I think that'll just prolong the pain (if it doesn't lead anywhere). But I figure this convo, after a month of nada, will set the tone.

 

Thoughts? Opinions? Advice?

 

P.S. - thanks for all the advice. It really helped me feel good about going with my instincts. Whatever happens I was happy with the decision to respond. I figure either way it'll get me to where I'm going instead of playing some game where I pretend I don't care, which I obviously do.

[TryTryAgain]

Not a bad response from her. She "worries," but she didn't say about what. I guess that remains to be seen. Hopefully she will give you a little more insight tonight.

 

My only advice is let her bring up the relationship. Keep us updated.

[1784]

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Still, I'm gonna try and play it real cool. Not like "Hey, aren't I an a**hole" cool, but I think you know what I mean. More like, it's been a month and how are you. I dunno. I guess I'll find out soon enough how it all plays out. I guess it's better than nothing.

[TryTryAgain]

I would imagine she is nervous too.