Who Do Confide In about Your Affair?

[Spark1111]

I'm a talker. I talk constantly about my relationship, (married) and always have, both the good and the bad as I am always seeking the perspective of others to help me learn and understand.

 

I am not being snarky here, but rather was wondering, who do you speak to when in an affair?

 

Is it a close girlfriend/s? A trusted family member? Because I have always believed it is a natural thing to do, yet, I certainly am not naive and understand the limitations and risks to doing so in an affair.

 

Yet, I believe everyone has one person to share with, other than your AP.

 

Am I wrong on this?

 

It would seem terribly isolating to me have NO ONE to speak with.

[Jane Deaux]

I think many of the women do not have anyone. Maybe that's how most find their way here.

 

I confide in my best girlfriend. She and I trust each other to the nth degree. And I do need her. I think I'd go crazy otherwise. She puts a lot into perspective for me when I can't seem to do it myself.

[Spark1111]

I think many of the women do not have anyone. Maybe that's how most find their way here.

 

I confide in my best girlfriend. She and I trust each other to the nth degree. And I do need her. I think I'd go crazy otherwise. She puts a lot into perspective for me when I can't seem to do it myself.

 

thanks for this Jane! Is she, or has she ever been judgemental of the choices you have made?

 

I think it is great for anyone, in any situation to have someone that they trust, even if that person may not always agree with you.

 

You are lucky to have her.

[20Seconds]

I confided in two friends - one at work (exMM & I work together) and one outside of work. When I say confided, both of them knew about the A but not much of the detail - not how often we saw each other or the things that happened.

 

Being in an A - especially when things start to go wrong - is the most incredibly isolating experience I have had.

 

I'll give you an example, last summer ex-MM & I had to move to LC because he lost his contract at work.

 

Every day after he left I used to wake up thinking about him and often I would cry at the thought of not being able to see each other. I didn;t share those feelings with anyone.

 

One time I was staying over with my family and MM & I had arranged to chat online one evening so I came home early from a night out and logged on and waited for him. He never came online.

 

I went to bed and cried and cried - mainly at the complete futility of the situation -and in the morning one of my family asked me what was wrong and I had to make something up.

 

Not being able to tell them was just driving all my feelings inwards until I started to become quite depressed. I wasn;t eating properly and I used to think I was having a good day if I went longer than 5 minutes without thinking about MM.

 

Not being able to confide in people definitely makes coping with the emotional side of an A a hundred times more difficult.

 

That is why this board can be such a lifesaver - even if you are not posting, just reading about other peoples' experiences can be incredibly helpful.

[Silly_Girl]

I'M a talker too!! I know, it doesn't show... I hide it well!!

 

I told... my mum, my dad, my sister, my brother-in-law, my uncle in Oz, my cousins, my best friend #1, my best friend #2, my counsellor, and 7 or 8 friends from a wider social circle (some of us have dinner every 2 months and stay in touch loosely in between).

 

I didn't tell:

 

- anyone at work (I'm the boss and fiercely private of anything personal)

- my son (because he met my guy a long time ago, and was introduced as a casual boyfriend, who simply visited more and more often, I suspect we will discuss the reality in the future).

[Kismetly]

I'm a talker. I talk constantly about my relationship, (married) and always have, both the good and the bad as I am always seeking the perspective of others to help me learn and understand.

 

I am not being snarky here, but rather was wondering, who do you speak to when in an affair?

 

Is it a close girlfriend/s? A trusted family member? Because I have always believed it is a natural thing to do, yet, I certainly am not naive and understand the limitations and risks to doing so in an affair.

 

Yet, I believe everyone has one person to share with, other than your AP.

 

Am I wrong on this?

 

It would seem terribly isolating to me have NO ONE to speak with.

 

I haven't spoken to anyone about the "affair". My ex-affair partner lives separately from his wife and has a lot of, what's the word (?), "flexibility"? He also lives in a different state to my closest friends and family. Our affair was semi-secret in his state, with only our closest friends knowing about it, but we were open in my state. I just never admited to anyone he had a wife and kids at home.

 

When I was younger, I was like you, it was almost like something hadn't happened until I spoke about it. As I've matured, I've come to understand it's not necessary, and sometimes not even healthy, to have to "discuss" everything that's going on in my life in order to be validated in my choices.

[Jane Deaux]

thanks for this Jane! Is she, or has she ever been judgemental of the choices you have made?

 

I think it is great for anyone, in any situation to have someone that they trust, even if that person may not always agree with you.

 

You are lucky to have her.

 

She has never been judgemental of me or really one. She believes affairs, in essence of hurting the BS are wrong. However, from her standpoint, she cares the most for my happiness.

[wheelwright]

I am a talker and would have told all and sundry if the circumstances had not seemed prohibitive.

 

I told a few friends I was in love with someone, but never was happy to say who. Someone in our circle knew it had gone beyond an easy resolution. I lied to my friends, because they know my H.

 

I hate lying.

 

I told one friend who. And that it was an A.

 

I am certifiably unreliable as an AP. But it was still xMOM who went for DDAY.

 

Why do you ask?

[desertIslandCactus]

I told a few girl friends, my mother and sons.

 

My friends did their job brilliantly with trying to discourage me, my mother encouraged me.. My sons tried to ignore me ..

 

The bottom line, I found my way back through God and LS testimonies ..

[Emme]

I told a cousin that I am close to. It is best to not tell anyone in the event that anger leads them to telling your business. So at imes theonly people who know are the ones doing the deed. You talk tot each other about it. Try to talk yourselves out of it. It's a lot a talking believe me. But when you have someone who knows who you are and understands you, it's easier. My mother new about the relations I had with my friend but not that it continued after marraige.

[SoMovinOn]

To minimize risk, neither I nor my AP tell anyone about us.

 

There are a few people who may suspect - bartenders, waitresses or hotel clerks where we are regulars... they know us as a couple, but don't know our circumstances or who we are.

[OWoman]

Yet, I believe everyone has one person to share with, other than your AP.

 

Am I wrong on this?

 

It would seem terribly isolating to me have NO ONE to speak with.

 

I'm a private person and had no history of discussing any of my intimate relationships with anyone. To me it was simply no one's business my my own and my lover's. But then, I didn't discuss my work life with my social friends, my social life with my fellow activists, my political life with my fellow counsellors, my counselling with my kids or my kids with my lovers, or any other permutation. I compartmentalised neatly. Always have done. I've never felt the need to discuss my Rs, but I've never felt the need to hide them, either.

 

When we fell in love, however, things were very different. He was no longer just a piece of meat to satisfy my cravings, or an intellectual equal to wrestle conceptually with, or a friend to have a great time with, or a delight to keep me happy... he was much much more, and could no longer be contained in any boxes. He just burst out of any containers and filled my entire life.

 

My friends and many colleagues had already met him in other contexts (many at the same time I had). We had never hidden our R, and they all knew the context (him being M, him living in another country, etc) just as his friends and colleagues all knew me and my context. Once it became serious, and we decided we wanted to be together, it became natural to tell the world about it - which we did.

 

And still are :love: :love:

[Just a stone's throw]

I have met two very dear friends here on LS who have kept me sane and in return I do the same for them. We're all in similar situations and though we've never met, I feel a very strong bond toward both of them :-) ... you gals know who you are!!

 

I have told one other friend when I was first in the early stage of the affair. She as it turned out she was also bordering on an EA so had some degree of "empathy" to my situation. But we don't talk about it any longer, not that we can't, just that there's not much to talk about these days.

 

I am a talker too and for the reasons previously stated so well, it's mostly to validate that I've done the right thing. Oh those needs for validation. Get me into all sorts of issues....

 

I think I'll get to work on that.... now who can I talk to about my approach.....

 

 

JAST

[Spark1111]

I confided in two friends - one at work (exMM & I work together) and one outside of work. When I say confided, both of them knew about the A but not much of the detail - not how often we saw each other or the things that happened.

 

Being in an A - especially when things start to go wrong - is the most incredibly isolating experience I have had.

 

I'll give you an example, last summer ex-MM & I had to move to LC because he lost his contract at work.

 

Every day after he left I used to wake up thinking about him and often I would cry at the thought of not being able to see each other. I didn;t share those feelings with anyone.

 

One time I was staying over with my family and MM & I had arranged to chat online one evening so I came home early from a night out and logged on and waited for him. He never came online.

 

I went to bed and cried and cried - mainly at the complete futility of the situation -and in the morning one of my family asked me what was wrong and I had to make something up.

 

Not being able to tell them was just driving all my feelings inwards until I started to become quite depressed. I wasn;t eating properly and I used to think I was having a good day if I went longer than 5 minutes without thinking about MM.

 

Not being able to confide in people definitely makes coping with the emotional side of an A a hundred times more difficult.

 

That is why this board can be such a lifesaver - even if you are not posting, just reading about other peoples' experiences can be incredibly helpful.

 

20seconds, I guess your story is somewhat how I envisioned it could be. And since I am very detail-oriented, not being able to share the details of a relationship that is so complex must be frustrating, isolating and....lonely.

 

I am happy reading at LS has helped you.

[Spark1111]

I'M a talker too!! I know, it doesn't show... I hide it well!!

 

I told... my mum, my dad, my sister, my brother-in-law, my uncle in Oz, my cousins, my best friend #1, my best friend #2, my counsellor, and 7 or 8 friends from a wider social circle (some of us have dinner every 2 months and stay in touch loosely in between).

 

I didn't tell:

 

- anyone at work (I'm the boss and fiercely private of anything personal)

- my son (because he met my guy a long time ago, and was introduced as a casual boyfriend, who simply visited more and more often, I suspect we will discuss the reality in the future).

 

SG, you seem to have a broad support system and that must be extremely helpful.

 

But you raise an interesting point: Your son. At what point would you/should you disclose the reality of your boyfriend with a child?

 

What reality would you need to mention, if at all?

[Spark1111]

I haven't spoken to anyone about the "affair". My ex-affair partner lives separately from his wife and has a lot of, what's the word (?), "flexibility"? He also lives in a different state to my closest friends and family. Our affair was semi-secret in his state, with only our closest friends knowing about it, but we were open in my state. I just never admited to anyone he had a wife and kids at home.

 

When I was younger, I was like you, it was almost like something hadn't happened until I spoke about it. As I've matured, I've come to understand it's not necessary, and sometimes not even healthy, to have to "discuss" everything that's going on in my life in order to be validated in my choices.

 

I get this. It is just in my day-to-day life I do not have to self-censor what I speak of.

 

I would find it difficult to have to do so if in an affair. I would imagine it lonely.

[Spark1111]

I am a talker and would have told all and sundry if the circumstances had not seemed prohibitive.

 

I told a few friends I was in love with someone, but never was happy to say who. Someone in our circle knew it had gone beyond an easy resolution. I lied to my friends, because they know my H.

 

I hate lying.

 

I told one friend who. And that it was an A.

 

I am certifiably unreliable as an AP. But it was still xMOM who went for DDAY.

 

Why do you ask?

 

I know how women especially, love to talk and brag and hash out their relationships when we get together.

 

I have an employee who started to date and fell in love with a "separated" man. She would talk of everything they did, he said, where they went, etc.

 

Normal, you know?

 

And then she discovered this man was still married and although separated, his wife certainly did not approve of his "dating" and in all the ensuing drama, she spoke less and less of it as she spiraled into depression.

 

My heart broke for her.

 

So I wondered of where and how you receive support in RL when in a relationship with a committed partner.

[ChocCheesecake]

My 2 best friends kknow there is/was a flirtation@ work that got a little dirty. They don't know the extent of my feelings, bc I've been ashamed to let them know I let it get that far. They both think the world of my husband....they are not judgmental at all, and support me but I think they are more worried than I am about the ramifications of it going to the next level. I think that the "affair fog" has clouded my vision of what the consequences could be, or I am choosing to ignore that line of thought.

[Lizzie60]

I'm a talker. I talk constantly about my relationship, (married) and always have, both the good and the bad as I am always seeking the perspective of others to help me learn and understand.

 

I am not being snarky here, but rather was wondering, who do you speak to when in an affair?

 

Is it a close girlfriend/s? A trusted family member? Because I have always believed it is a natural thing to do, yet, I certainly am not naive and understand the limitations and risks to doing so in an affair.

 

Yet, I believe everyone has one person to share with, other than your AP.

 

Am I wrong on this?

 

It would seem terribly isolating to me have NO ONE to speak with.

 

I did, before, confide in my best friends (I have 2).. but only told them about one.. I never confide to anyone that I had multiple As going on at the same time.. I think some things are better keeping for myself... it's no one business.

[bentnotbroken]

I did, before, confide in my best friends (I have 2).. but only told them about one.. I never confide to anyone that I had multiple As going on at the same time.. I think some things are better keeping for myself... it's no one business.

:bunny:Lizzie's back.

[Spark1111]

I told a few girl friends, my mother and sons.

 

My friends did their job brilliantly with trying to discourage me, my mother encouraged me.. My sons tried to ignore me ..

 

The bottom line, I found my way back through God and LS testimonies ..

 

Your mother encouraged you? Now that is an interesting statement! Why?

[Spark1111]

To minimize risk, neither I nor my AP tell anyone about us.

 

There are a few people who may suspect - bartenders, waitresses or hotel clerks where we are regulars... they know us as a couple, but don't know our circumstances or who we are.

 

SMO, you are a man if I am not mistaken?

 

I wonder if it is easier for a man to not confide this info, because generally, men are not talking of their relationships.

 

But women? They do CONFIDE in someone, usually, about the relationship, IMHO.

[Spark1111]

I have met two very dear friends here on LS who have kept me sane and in return I do the same for them. We're all in similar situations and though we've never met, I feel a very strong bond toward both of them :-) ... you gals know who you are!!

 

I have told one other friend when I was first in the early stage of the affair. She as it turned out she was also bordering on an EA so had some degree of "empathy" to my situation. But we don't talk about it any longer, not that we can't, just that there's not much to talk about these days.

 

I am a talker too and for the reasons previously stated so well, it's mostly to validate that I've done the right thing. Oh those needs for validation. Get me into all sorts of issues....

 

I think I'll get to work on that.... now who can I talk to about my approach.....

 

 

JAST

 

 

Hahahaha! Glad you have confidants here. In RL, I have great benefits and a good IC to talk with.

[Spark1111]

My 2 best friends kknow there is/was a flirtation@ work that got a little dirty. They don't know the extent of my feelings, bc I've been ashamed to let them know I let it get that far. They both think the world of my husband....they are not judgmental at all, and support me but I think they are more worried than I am about the ramifications of it going to the next level. I think that the "affair fog" has clouded my vision of what the consequences could be, or I am choosing to ignore that line of thought.

 

I too have great friends and would like to think of myself as a good one too.

 

I would advise you of the ramifications also. You are lucky to have them.

[Spark1111]

I did, before, confide in my best friends (I have 2).. but only told them about one.. I never confide to anyone that I had multiple As going on at the same time.. I think some things are better keeping for myself... it's no one business.

 

Hi Lizzie!

 

Why did you confide one relationship, but not the other?

 

Was the one you shared the one you had a romantic connection too?

 

Because I believe when women have strong emotional feelings for someone, they do not keep it secret as evidenced on this forum.

 

Women confide in someone, even in an affair, I believe.