Duckduckgoose's Coping Thread.

[Duckduckgoose]

This is my background:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=258821

 

For those that want the Cliff's Notes: Married 2 years, together almost 5. H left early December, wanting divorce. His reasoning: I'm Irish, I am too stubborn, I am too angry, I won't 'change' fast enough, when I get upset it takes me a couple days to cool down.

 

A week before he left I was contemplating leaving, and told him that we needed to work on some things. They were: His porn problem and resulting lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage (I had to beg for days just to give him a BJ), his withdrawal from activities we both used to enjoy, breaking promises, laziness, lack of communication, rudeness, selfishness.

 

He chose the coward's way out, and made sure to blame me for everything and play himself out to be the victim. I went and got a counselor the day after he left, and have been going to counselling once a week. I also attend DivorceCare, which helps a lot too. All-and-all, I have made very good progress on my issues, which will help me for a future relationship.

 

As of last week the divorce papers have been signed. It will be about a month after they are filed before the divorce is final.

 

I am starting this thread as my own personal "coping" thread. I would like to think that the worst of the rollercoaster is over now. But who knows.

 

Anyone is free to read and comment.

 

My life where it stands right now: My unemployment has run out, before the 99 weeks is up unfortunately. I have several thousand still in the bank. I got an interview with a GIS company in my city next Friday about which I am excited. At the same time I am trying to make a career switch into nursing. If I were to get this GIS job I would take my RN classes at night. It also pays far more than a CNA/Caretaker job would...so I would be able to pay for classes out of pocket, and not worry about more student loans or bills. I would also be able to save a lot of money.

 

My cost of living is not high, even though exH left me with all the bills. Apartment, electric, internet, cell phone, car insurance. He doesn't reap the benefit of any of the bills I pay though. The last I heard he left the state because I am "Out to get him". Okay fine whatever if he thinks I want to waste my gas on him he's only dignifying himself.

 

I am really hoping I get this GIS job ASAP because it means health insurance, dental and vision insurance, a steady paycheck, better pay than my last GIS job... it means I will be getting back on my feet like I am supposed to. I lost my job in 2009 and been trying so hard to get a job... any job since then. This GIS job is also so close to my apartment I could walk or ride my bike there. It was a real dick move that my exH left me with all the bills while I had no job.

 

I pray twice a day that Jesus will open the door for me to get the job I need to have. I also pray that he will bring the man I am supposed to marry to me when its that time.

 

I do not look forward to dating again. Doing it once was painful enough. I thought when I got married that was the end of that and I could put my energy into one person that would reciprocate and love me the rest of my life.

 

That said, there is one guy I think getting feelings for me. I don't want to date him for several reasons. I am surprised a gold-digger hasn't snatched him up and have said as much to him. He is not physically attractive to me, but he is very intelligent, witty, good sense of humor... we have a lot of things in common, we are both physically active with outdoors activities. He is an engineer and makes a SUBSTANTIAL amount of money a year. He lives on a rich side of town in his own house, drives a beautiful car... has two very nice mountain bikes and one road bike (never seen his road bike but it's prolly nice too). I can tell he would be a loyal mate to whatever woman gets him. He's 29 also... I'm 27 so his age range is good.

 

The things that put me off about him though mostly are in my dealbreaker category. We have VERY different political views. He is VERY conservative where as I am more moderate/liberal. He was raised in a church where as I was not, so it brings a lot of lifestyle differences into play that would cause a LOT of friction.

 

He does not like pets much, dogs, cats, whatever. He's just not into them. I think a smaller pet would just be an annoyance to him, but he's shown fear of dogs while we've been out on trails and mountain bikes. I have 2 cockatiels and 6 tarantulas. I would also like to get a couple greyhounds in the future. I KNOW that wouldn't sit well with him.

 

I don't know if he wants kids or not, but with him being conservative my guess would be "yes"... that's another dealbreaker with me... I just really don't think I ever want kids. When I consider my future I don't see a family really ever. Maybe adoption in my late 30s or early 40s but that's a big maybe. And if I got pregnant I would be getting an abortion... another thing that doesn't sit well with his conservative mindset.

 

I would rather be single the rest of my life then have to give a man who wants kids some kids when I really don't want them at all or want to raise them. Having kids is just not for me.

 

He was also raised around money, and has lived in this city his whole life. He's used to being able to spend money on what he wants, when he wants. He doesn't cook, and eats out for pretty much every meal.

 

I was not raised around money, I've had to learn to do without on a lot of occasions and especially now. I do everything I can to cut corners on bills. I cook all my own meals and its not fancy **** like he would be accustomed to eating. I cook bachelor foods for myself, I eat a lot of sandwiches and ramen.

I have also not lived in one place my whole life I was a military child and have moved a lot... which has given me a lot of perspective on people from different areas I like to think.

 

I get the feeling in the future I am going to have to reject this guy. Its gonna hurt me to have to do it. I really like him as a friend. He's already made some half-assed advances and now that he knows I've signed my papers he's been stepping up his game a little bit. So far I've ignored or diverted his advances, but I know its going to build to the point where I have to tell him "no".

 

Nevermind that its just way too early for me to be dating.

 

Anyway, that is where I am in my life and coping process as I start this thread.

[Duckduckgoose]

Also, this GIS job means I would be able to buy good food again, like organic food and local food.

 

I would be able to get new clothes that fit me... I lost too much weight cause of the divorce, mostly muscles weight from riding my mountain bike so much to try and get myself too tired to care that my husband(at the time) was getting the way he was and not talking about what was bothering him.

 

I would be able to pay my bills and schooling...save money in the bank again...this job means so many opportunities to get my life back straight.

 

Not to mention that the car I have been wanting for so long... since it was a concept car in 2007... the Honda CR-Z... I wouldn't be able to get it at first but I would be able to get one!

 

I would be able to fix the brakes on my Civic because they uhh... need replacing bad. They need to be upgraded in all honesty to probably a drilled/slotted and a couple inches larger. My Civic has been a good car so far had it since it was brand new and it's 10 years old this year, about 90,000 miles on it. I know it would last me a few more years unless something horrible happens to it, and one of the things I pray is that nothing bad happens to it, that it doesn't need major repair work, that it doesn't get totalled, and that no acts of God pick it up and remove it from my presence. I know when I do sell that car eventually... someday... I will miss it a lot.

 

With a CNA or caretaker job I would just barely be making the ends meet, actually probably not making ends meet. I would be asking my parents to spot my rent or something...I would still be eating crap food like I am now... no new clothes or car repairs, but the plus side is that I would get my RN faster because I would be taking day classes.

 

I really would rather have the GIS job while I get my RN... so very badly. Imma get myself all worked up into a knot about this and the interview isn't until next Friday

[Floridaman]

I am starting this thread as my own personal "coping" thread. I would like to think that the worst of the rollercoaster is over now. But who knows.

 

Anyone is free to read and comment.

That's good. This is a good way to cope. You can also post in the other thread, as others there have suggested.

I pray twice a day that Jesus will open the door for me to get the job I need to have. I also pray that he will bring the man I am supposed to marry to me when its that time.

 

I do not look forward to dating again. Doing it once was painful enough. I thought when I got married that was the end of that and I could put my energy into one person that would reciprocate and love me the rest of my life.

Yeah, dating really sucks, doesn't it?

I didn't seriously start dating until I was like 25 (you may have read my story).

I hated being alone and my late 20s were a period in my life I'd just as soon forget.

 

Thought God had forgotten about me. I treated women well, didn't press them for sex, followed all the rules, yet look at how I was still alone.

Funny, just 3 mos. after I turned 30, I met my future wife.

 

On dating, I wouldn't recommend doing a lot of serious dating just yet. The divorce is still fresh and those feelings could cloud your judgement.

 

-------You may find yoursefl in a "rebound" relationship where you're dating the other person just to feel secure. Though you like this person and don't want to hurt them, you then realize he/she isn't the one you're looking for. It's then painful to break it off.

 

Yup. That happened to me after a painful breakup from a 6 mos. NEAR-fiance relationship. Jumped back into dating a little too soon....

The woman was nice and all, but we really didn't have a lot in common. Thankfully, I didn't get sexually involved with either woman, as that would have made the breakup even harder as I would have felt even more attached to the other person.

I get the feeling in the future I am going to have to reject this guy. Its gonna hurt me to have to do it. I really like him as a friend. He's already made some half-assed advances and now that he knows I've signed my papers he's been stepping up his game a little bit. So far I've ignored or diverted his advances, but I know its going to build to the point where I have to tell him "no".

 

Nevermind that its just way too early for me to be dating.

Yeah, you see yourself how you really don't need to be out in the dating game so soon. Having never been divorced, I can't tell you how long you need to wait (perhaps others here can properly advise you).

Anyway, that is where I am in my life and coping process as I start this thread.

Good. Keep up the updates. You have friends here who do care for you and your situation.

[Duckduckgoose]

Floridaman, I'm not dating the guy thankfully... I am just being a friend. I really really hope he does not see it as more but if he does Imma have to lay it out to him. Part of me was hoping when we had a nice discussion about our political views differences that he would be thinking "Nah I don't wanna date this chick" because politics seem to be very important to him.

 

Was 30 the age you were worried about FM? It seems pretty common for people who have never been married to think that turning 30 really limits their chances of being able to get married. I guess being divorced makes me feel kind of different about that.

 

I already know I'm going to come with a stigma like "Oh she's divorced I wonder what she did to **** that relationship up". Honestly I have that stigma about divorced people myself. I guess a plus is that there are no kids in the mix.

 

One thing that really pissed me off recently was while I was in CNA classes. Some of the chicks in there thought I was getting a divorce because I was a lesbian. When I found out I was like "Is this **** ****ing serious?" No I'm not girly girl but I am by no means a lesbian. I dress like a female I don't have short hair or hang out with lesbians.

 

What's even stranger with that is when I was in HS and just starting to be interested in dating guys a few of my aunts confronted my mom saying that they thought I was going to be a lesbian. WTH? So yeah it's always been a bit of a sore spot with me. In today's society if I was so inclined it wouldn't be a problem for me to admit I swung that way.

 

However, I like men and that's just how things are. The thought of being with a woman like that is

 

No offense to any lesbians that might read this:o

 

So part of being married... a recent loss I've noticed I guess, is that I get to deal with that **** all over again. I didn't get married for that reason but it was one of the many benefits of getting married is people that wondered stopped saying that sort of **** to me.

 

It causes me to look at myself critically. What is it that makes people think I am lesbian? Is it because I am more logical than emotional? More tomboyish than girly girl? More outdoorsy than scared of bugs and dirt? Because I play video games and don't hate them? Because I like cars and have more guy friends than female friends?

 

I don't dress like a les... I don't check out girls... yeah that whole other people thinking I am a lesbian just confuses me. I don't even really LIKE females as friends very much. TBH they are just kind of catty, prissy, complain a lot, uptight... well some guys are whiny too but all-in-all a male's attitude is far different.

 

Oh well... as long as eligible men don't think I'm a lesbian when it comes time for finding someone to marry again. Yeah... I won't date someone unless I would consider marrying them. Saves me lots of time.

 

I really hate to think too that my next R no matter what will be a rebound. I really would like to avoid the rebound if at all possible. Its just gonna cause hurt feelings all around.

[Feelin Frisky]

As I was coming into the house today from the rain and had my windbreaker over my head I almost stepped on two ducks who were totally not shy about walking right in front of me. I thought of duckduckgoose. Just sharing.

[Floridaman]

Floridaman, I'm not dating the guy thankfully... I am just being a friend. I really really hope he does not see it as more but if he does Imma have to lay it out to him. Part of me was hoping when we had a nice discussion about our political views differences that he would be thinking "Nah I don't wanna date this chick" because politics seem to be very important to him.

Politics seem important to you as well.

Was 30 the age you were worried about FM? It seems pretty common for people who have never been married to think that turning 30 really limits their chances of being able to get married. I guess being divorced makes me feel kind of different about that.

More of the late 20s.... 27-29....

 

I wasn't obsessed and didn't go around with a chip on my shoulder and exude this counterproductive negative attitude.

I kind of settled into the fact that I was likely gonna be alone.

 

Wasn't gonna stop dating, and kept searching for a love, but didn't let my expectations get too high.

Didn't want to get hung-up on this next relationship and start thinking how she could be "the one...."

It was a mild disappointment in life, really, as I thought being alone would be my fate.

 

Do remember crying out to my mom, "Why are women repelled by me?"

 

That was an irrational fear, though, as I'm told I'm not unattractive, even in my late 40s. A woman at my 30th HS reunion this summer unsolicited told me I've "kept my looks" better than most of the other guys there who were bald, gray hair and fat.... I was none of that, except maybe some gray hairs here and there....

 

Only a couple of women at the reunion looked similar to HS.... I'm not sayin' my looks didn't change...

I already know I'm going to come with a stigma like "Oh she's divorced I wonder what she did to **** that relationship up". Honestly I have that stigma about divorced people myself. I guess a plus is that there are no kids in the mix.

This is an irrational fear, Duck. People get divorced for all sorts of reasons.

 

And in 50% of the cases, it's the guy's fault, as it was in your situation.

As you posted, you did everything you could to try to change his mind, and offered to work it out. It was beyond your control.

One thing that really pissed me off recently was while I was in CNA classes. Some of the chicks in there thought I was getting a divorce because I was a lesbian. When I found out I was like "Is this **** ****ing serious?" No I'm not girly girl but I am by no means a lesbian. I dress like a female I don't have short hair or hang out with lesbians.

Don't worry about the lesbian stuff.

I think that's normal for people.

 

Remember in my mid-20s, my mom, for what reason I don't know, asking me if I had ever been "hit on" by a man.

Yes, I said, and I was repulsed.

Some older guy in the apt. upstairs told me something at the mailbox.

"I'm a homo, FL Man...." Like he was bragging or wanted me to say I was too.

No, I wasn't interested in men and am not a homosexual.

 

My mother, BTW, isn't some narrow-minded individual and is even more open-minded and a world traveler than me, so that kind of inquiry could be normal.

 

It causes me to look at myself critically.

 

What is it that makes people think I am lesbian?

Is it because I am more logical than emotional? More tomboyish than girly girl? More outdoorsy than scared of bugs and dirt? Because I play video games and don't hate them? Because I like cars and have more guy friends than female friends?

I wouldn't worry about this, Duck.

 

Did you ever watch Everybody Loves Raymond?

In one ep., Ray's brother, Robert, the tall cop, isn't attracted to this beautiful Italian brunette, who offers to give herself to him, in marriage and pre-marriage bliss, if you know what I mean.

 

He tells people he doesn't have feelings for her. He says he doesn't think it would be right to ML with her when he isn't emotionally involved.

His parents immediately ask him if he's gay.

 

And yes, I've turned down women too, in my late 20s when I was at my loneliest, bec. I didn't enjoy casual sex and didn't have any feelings for the woman.

Will also admit I took up an offer, and regreted it the minute we finished, which led to me gaining a distaste for casual, non-emotional sex.

That woman also afterward told me she was married:(

You said you prayed to Jesus.... I had some confessin' to do as well.

 

 

What's even stranger with that is when I was in HS and just starting to be interested in dating guys

 

I have some more things to say and a question I want to ask you about your premarital dating, but as this message is getting overly long, will save it for the future.

Edited March 31, 2011 by Floridaman

[dreamingoftigers]

Welcome to your coping thread!

[Duckduckgoose]

As I was coming into the house today from the rain and had my windbreaker over my head I almost stepped on two ducks who were totally not shy about walking right in front of me. I thought of duckduckgoose. Just sharing.

 

lol thanks. Those ducks are a bit dumb haha.

 

I saw a chocolate/white chocolate duck family at Fresh Market yesterday when I was getting some food for a bridal shower. I thought of my own username and almost got it because of that. Then I realized I would probably eat all the ducks and get sick

 

Thanks FM for the insight. I know I shouldn't worry about the lesbian thing but it is a pretty sore spot with me, as I said. Yeah... I dated a 4 or 5 guys before I met my exH. I had "flings" with a few more. I decided early in college that I wouldn't have sex with a guy unless I was committed to him. You just feel kind of used after having a one night stand.

 

I only have contact with one of the guys I dated in the past, we dated on and off from 2002-2005. It was a definite chemical attraction and we were VERY compatible in most ways. However I just don't think it was meant to work in this life and I guess he came to the same conclusion (me going to college 200+ miles away and definite plans to leave the state afterward didn't help I imagine). Long story short, he dated a few more girls after me... and now he's becoming a preacher (WTH doesn't sound like him at all). He's single still and I guess he prefers it that way... I dunno I didn't ask.

 

Yeah... I'm going to a bridal shower on Sunday... and got invited to a going away party for someone getting married in a few weeks. She's moving to be with her stbH. I will go to the bridal shower because it will stir more **** than if I don't show up. I don't plan to go to the going away party 1. Because I don't know the girl that well. I met her once and we got on just fine but I don't think that warrants me driving like 40 miles to go to her party and 2. Right now I really have a bad attitude about marriage. With a 63% divorce rate in the country and a 70-something% divorce rate in the city I live in... I know that one if not both of their marriages will end.

 

My attitude is so bad about marriage right now and I don't want to be the sourpuss that ruins the mood cause I know it's just jaded that's speaking.

 

What else doesn't help is that one of the ladies in my Sunday School class whose exH left her... he is getting married to the OW next week. She is understandably upset about it too. She is a real nice lady and it hurts me all the more for seeing what she is going through with it.

 

I guess what broke in me that Thursday before I signed my D papers was my faith in marriage and relationships. That's the closest I can get to it.

 

I am also just about bored out of my mind. I am mulling over in my head taking trips every day or other day to go see local attractions, or not so local but things I want to see anyway. If I could find a job... of which I have applied for hundreds and hundreds... that would alleviate some of my boredom. Hell even when I didn't have a job but was still married I at least looked forward on some days to exH coming home so I could ask him how his day was and try to talk to him or get some affections before he shut down and I would take the bike out and beat myself senseless with it.

 

I am thankful every day I have my good health and athleticism, and also my two pet birds... even the tarantulas too I guess haha. Its not raining here right now so I will probably rollerblade a good 12 or 13 miles...after I apply for some more jobs online that is

[Duckduckgoose]

Well I've been waking up sad every day for the past several days, not to mention not sleeping well... and having bad dreams. I guess this is the "depression" phase of the recovery process.

 

Thankfully I have chores to do today, and plan to hook my mountain bike up to my car and go for a ride before I grocery shop. There is a trail close to a grocery store... I can beat a dozen miles out of myself before I get foods.

 

I feel mostly bleh today and I know its not PMS/period or the weather cause it's sunny out. I guess the important part is to make sure I don't isolate myself in my apartment and get all emo.

[Feelin Frisky]

Those ducks were husband and wife. Cute how they just pair off like that and live a life away from other ducks as a couple.

[willowthewisp]

lol thanks. Those ducks are a bit dumb haha.

 

I saw a chocolate/white chocolate duck family at Fresh Market yesterday when I was getting some food for a bridal shower. I thought of my own username and almost got it because of that. Then I realized I would probably eat all the ducks and get sick

 

Thanks FM for the insight. I know I shouldn't worry about the lesbian thing but it is a pretty sore spot with me, as I said. Yeah... I dated a 4 or 5 guys before I met my exH. I had "flings" with a few more. I decided early in college that I wouldn't have sex with a guy unless I was committed to him. You just feel kind of used after having a one night stand.

 

I only have contact with one of the guys I dated in the past, we dated on and off from 2002-2005. It was a definite chemical attraction and we were VERY compatible in most ways. However I just don't think it was meant to work in this life and I guess he came to the same conclusion (me going to college 200+ miles away and definite plans to leave the state afterward didn't help I imagine). Long story short, he dated a few more girls after me... and now he's becoming a preacher (WTH doesn't sound like him at all). He's single still and I guess he prefers it that way... I dunno I didn't ask.

 

Yeah... I'm going to a bridal shower on Sunday... and got invited to a going away party for someone getting married in a few weeks. She's moving to be with her stbH. I will go to the bridal shower because it will stir more **** than if I don't show up. I don't plan to go to the going away party 1. Because I don't know the girl that well. I met her once and we got on just fine but I don't think that warrants me driving like 40 miles to go to her party and 2. Right now I really have a bad attitude about marriage. With a 63% divorce rate in the country and a 70-something% divorce rate in the city I live in... I know that one if not both of their marriages will end.

 

My attitude is so bad about marriage right now and I don't want to be the sourpuss that ruins the mood cause I know it's just jaded that's speaking.

 

What else doesn't help is that one of the ladies in my Sunday School class whose exH left her... he is getting married to the OW next week. She is understandably upset about it too. She is a real nice lady and it hurts me all the more for seeing what she is going through with it.

 

I guess what broke in me that Thursday before I signed my D papers was my faith in marriage and relationships. That's the closest I can get to it.

 

I am also just about bored out of my mind. I am mulling over in my head taking trips every day or other day to go see local attractions, or not so local but things I want to see anyway. If I could find a job... of which I have applied for hundreds and hundreds... that would alleviate some of my boredom. Hell even when I didn't have a job but was still married I at least looked forward on some days to exH coming home so I could ask him how his day was and try to talk to him or get some affections before he shut down and I would take the bike out and beat myself senseless with it.

 

I am thankful every day I have my good health and athleticism, and also my two pet birds... even the tarantulas too I guess haha. Its not raining here right now so I will probably rollerblade a good 12 or 13 miles...after I apply for some more jobs online that is

 

You and your chocolate again!

[Duckduckgoose]

Yeah I am a chocolate lover. I told my counselor that I knew I was on the road to recovery when my taste for chocolate came back. I then went on to tell her that I would get all kinds of chocolate from co-workers and friends to taste and let them know what kind of quality it was.

 

I got really good at tasting chocolate like wine tasters get real good at tasting wine.

 

I did buy a small hollow chocolate bunny today for $1 and eat it. Small like 2 inches tall.

 

Unfortunately I hit a lot of triggers today. I took a road I hadn't taken in a while and it reminded me of all the times that exH was in the car with me on that road so I switched lanes and sped up, didn't help.

 

And the bike path I took was one we used to take a lot. I've walked it just fine recently, but riding it was like a whole new mess. I got to the top of the tallest hill there and when I got off my bike to adjust something I just stood there... I was kind of admiring the scenery, but mostly it was like I was waiting for him to top the hill and come join me near the lake.

 

I just stood there staring at the ground for a few minutes after I realized he wasn't coming up the hill and kept telling myself he won't be coming up that hill for me ever again because we're divorced now.

 

What is the best thing to do about triggers? Do you just power through them or avoid the things that trigger you?

 

My mood has been real weird lately cause of signing those papers. How long is this supposed to last?

[dreamingoftigers]

Well I've been waking up sad every day for the past several days, not to mention not sleeping well... and having bad dreams. I guess this is the "depression" phase of the recovery process.

 

Thankfully I have chores to do today, and plan to hook my mountain bike up to my car and go for a ride before I grocery shop. There is a trail close to a grocery store... I can beat a dozen miles out of myself before I get foods.

 

I feel mostly bleh today and I know its not PMS/period or the weather cause it's sunny out. I guess the important part is to make sure I don't isolate myself in my apartment and get all emo.

 

Yeah I am a chocolate lover. I told my counselor that I knew I was on the road to recovery when my taste for chocolate came back. I then went on to tell her that I would get all kinds of chocolate from co-workers and friends to taste and let them know what kind of quality it was.

 

I got really good at tasting chocolate like wine tasters get real good at tasting wine.

 

I did buy a small hollow chocolate bunny today for $1 and eat it. Small like 2 inches tall.

 

Unfortunately I hit a lot of triggers today. I took a road I hadn't taken in a while and it reminded me of all the times that exH was in the car with me on that road so I switched lanes and sped up, didn't help.

 

And the bike path I took was one we used to take a lot. I've walked it just fine recently, but riding it was like a whole new mess. I got to the top of the tallest hill there and when I got off my bike to adjust something I just stood there... I was kind of admiring the scenery, but mostly it was like I was waiting for him to top the hill and come join me near the lake.

 

I just stood there staring at the ground for a few minutes after I realized he wasn't coming up the hill and kept telling myself he won't be coming up that hill for me ever again because we're divorced now.

 

What is the best thing to do about triggers? Do you just power through them or avoid the things that trigger you?

 

My mood has been real weird lately cause of signing those papers. How long is this supposed to last?

 

EMDR therapy is great for reducing triggers and helping improve focus etc.

[Duckduckgoose]

EMDR therapy is great for reducing triggers and helping improve focus etc.

 

Wow... you really be advertising EMDR everywhere huh?

 

Is someone paying you?

 

Says that it's useful for PTSD. I will see how I feel in a few weeks before I look into any kind of therapy stuffs. I already go to counselling and DivorceCare. I figure this is some **** I gotta process on my own.

 

Of course... getting that GIS job will help a lot. It will get my mind onto productive things... like GIS.

[Floridaman]

Yeah I am a chocolate lover. I told my counselor that I knew I was on the road to recovery when my taste for chocolate came back. I then went on to tell her that I would get all kinds of chocolate from co-workers and friends to taste and let them know what kind of quality it was.

 

I got really good at tasting chocolate like wine tasters get real good at tasting wine.

You're really into that. And here I just pick up big chocolate bars at the groc. store like Hershey's and Kit-Kats.

 

Unfortunately I hit a lot of triggers today. I took a road I hadn't taken in a while and it reminded me of all the times that exH was in the car with me on that road so I switched lanes and sped up, didn't help.

.....

it was like I was waiting for him to top the hill and come join me near the lake.

 

I just stood there staring at the ground for a few minutes after I realized he wasn't coming up the hill and kept telling myself he won't be coming up that hill for me ever again because we're divorced now.

 

What is the best thing to do about triggers? Do you just power through them or avoid the things that trigger you?

 

Yeah, you'll get those triggers.

I've gotten them. Every time I hear about the profession one of my EXs was in (teacher), I think of her.

 

For who knows how long, I remembered her phone no. and address..

If I thought long and hard on it, I prob. could remember, but don't want to try to remember....

 

If my current marriage ever ends, as we've been married 15 years and together nearly 20, I'm sure there would be a boatload of things, her family, her hobby, profession, etc., that I could never forget.....

 

Then there are the "golden moments" together... just her laying there on the bed looking at me and raising her hands and motioning me towards her ... those certain times in our lives I'm never going to forget...

 

 

Don't know what to tell you here.

I think it's great he moved to another city, so that will help on that end, as you'll be less likely to run into each other.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow... you really be advertising EMDR everywhere huh?

 

Well look where we are.... folks on here have relational trauma. ONe guy asked about it for quitting smoking, I don't think that is the most practical use.

 

Is someone paying you?

 

Oh hell no! If they were I probably could have retired by now.

 

Says that it's useful for PTSD. I will see how I feel in a few weeks before I look into any kind of therapy stuffs. I already go to counselling and DivorceCare. I figure this is some **** I gotta process on my own.

 

Enh, knowing what I know about it, I just wouldn't wait. I am going for another session soon. I can't wait to have more trauma thrown away, it has been a crazy tough year.

 

Of course... getting that GIS job will help a lot. It will get my mind onto productive things... like GIS.

 

Ten characters.

[Duckduckgoose]

He jumped state from what I've heard. I think he went back to Kentucky because he has this irrational fear that I am coming to get him. He knows good and damn well that I hated living in Kentucky and would never live there again; and do my best to avoid travelling there.

 

He has family in Kentucky, well a little bit. He might also live in Indiana where his immediate family are. His psycho mom, his soon to be psycho sister (she's following in her mom's bipolar footsteps)... his dad is usually MIA... while his parents have been married for 20-something years his father I guess tries his best to not be around the psycho mom. He will take jobs in different states and MOVE there. Right now his father is working for free in Kentucky and sleeping on a couch just to not be around his mother.

 

My parents relationship is quite a bit different. Not saying perfect cause my dad used to have one hell of a temper and would throw ****, break ****, and go flying off the handle for no damn reason. My mom would procrastinate like no tomorrow, isn't all that bright, and likes to spend LOTS of money... thankfully my dad makes LOTS of money. Both of my parents are stubborn... I wonder where I got that from. But they've been happily married 30 years, and when my mom gets to gushing about their marriage I want to throw up... that's probably always going to be the same

 

So yeah, I don't know what state exH lives in but to the best of my knowledge it's not this one.

 

And yes, I do like chocolate quite a bit. KitKats and Snickers don't come close to what I prefer. I do eat candy-ish chocolate like that, hence the small chocolate bunny I had today. There is just too much other crap that really gets in the way of the chocolate taste with watered down milk chocolate of that nature though. It might as well be chocolate flavored confection for all it tastes like and all the extra ingredients in it.

 

I'll get off my elitist chocolate lover rant now.

 

I have considered investing money in chocolate plantations in the USA.. I think they are in Hawaii and Florida. Chocolate never seems to be in recession. Nor does alcohol But I'll stick with chocolate.

 

As for never forgetting some things about the exH... I pretty much will never eat a donut or a certain restaurant again. The restaurant is one I don't eat at anyway because it makes me get violently sick. Donuts though.. yeah he used to make donuts and everytime we went into a store, like Kroger or Publix, etc... he would look at the donuts and point out all their flaws. It was annoying because he acted like the donuts HE made were the best sometimes, but I realized he took pride in his work and left it at that. He wanted to stroke his ego on the bad/thick/runny glaze of someone else's crappy donut.

 

I don't think its the exH I am missing so much as just being lonely is what the problem is. When I was getting triggers it wasn't a longing for him... it was a longing for someone to fill that gap. It just so happens that my brain was associating HIM with those roads, HIM with that hill, HIM with that trail because he was the one that used to be there with me.

 

I did start crying for about 10 mins a couple hours ago. From lonliness. Then the birds woke up (they were asleep) and started going crazy around the apartment so kind of dried me up and made me go fetch them. Now that I am calm again they have settled back down but are not asleep yet.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think the coupled-to-not part of the transition would be the hardest.

 

I have been posting up so much since my husband has been gone. At least 500 times since March 22nd on my last count. Insane.

 

I find it tough that I go through the day thinking of little bits and pieces to share and then there isn't anyone to really share them with.

 

Sucks.

[willowthewisp]

Duck, I am sure with the amount of exercise you take you can afford to be a chocolate conisor (can't spell! lol). Really recommend Lindt Lindor with the melting centre (if you can get them in the US?) also, if you like bitter dark chocolate Hotel Chocolat 90% cooca, yummy.

 

Chocolate releases serotnin by the way, the happy chemical, so maybe stepping up the chocs might be helpful at the moment, natures natural anti-depressent, kind of like in Harry Potter when they give it to Harry after an encounter with a demonator, maybe that's where rawling got the idea from?

[Duckduckgoose]

DoT just post things you think of on LS if it helps. I know it does for me

 

Willow, Lindt/Lindor are available here, as well as Hotel Chocolat. HC is rare, even in a city... you have to go to a very insanely priced specialty store to get it. The darkest I've had marketed as dark chocolate and not baking chocolate is 84% and that stuff put hairs on my tongue haha.

 

I might like it because of the "feel good" chemicals, that's a possibility...maybe that is why I exercise too lol

 

Mixed frozen fruit was on sale yesterday so I got several bags of it, it should last me at least a couple weeks haha.

 

I am kind of excited to see what kind of chocolate my counselor is going to bring me Tuesday. Her husband travels a lot... and travels means exotic chocolate! I think he was in Russia maybe(?) the past few weeks. I've had Russian chocolate but it's been a while.

 

There used to be a store here where the lady who owned/operated made her own batches of chocolate... I loved her mixes and how she incorporated it into other foods, or just shapes and decorations. When I moved into this apartment I was about a block away from her shop... but sadly she had to close because of the economy.

 

Another store a bit like that right across the street (busy street lol) is also closing, her focus is more on the decor and "pretty" aspect of candy, but she does use a lot of chocolate.

 

Anyway, I had to go to 5 freaking different places before I found one that would give me $20 in quarters for my $20 bill. I really need to do laundry.

 

The bridal shower today wasn't that bad, I ate enough food that I don't need to eat again till tomorrow haha.

 

I am debating right now what do I want to do with the rest of the day... its really nice outside...

[dreamingoftigers]

This place is really comforting to see people go through the ringer and then come out the other side.

[willowthewisp]

DoT just post things you think of on LS if it helps. I know it does for me

 

Willow, Lindt/Lindor are available here, as well as Hotel Chocolat. HC is rare, even in a city... you have to go to a very insanely priced specialty store to get it. The darkest I've had marketed as dark chocolate and not baking chocolate is 84% and that stuff put hairs on my tongue haha.

 

I might like it because of the "feel good" chemicals, that's a possibility...maybe that is why I exercise too lol

 

Mixed frozen fruit was on sale yesterday so I got several bags of it, it should last me at least a couple weeks haha.

 

I am kind of excited to see what kind of chocolate my counselor is going to bring me Tuesday. Her husband travels a lot... and travels means exotic chocolate! I think he was in Russia maybe(?) the past few weeks. I've had Russian chocolate but it's been a while.

 

There used to be a store here where the lady who owned/operated made her own batches of chocolate... I loved her mixes and how she incorporated it into other foods, or just shapes and decorations. When I moved into this apartment I was about a block away from her shop... but sadly she had to close because of the economy.

 

Another store a bit like that right across the street (busy street lol) is also closing, her focus is more on the decor and "pretty" aspect of candy, but she does use a lot of chocolate.

 

Anyway, I had to go to 5 freaking different places before I found one that would give me $20 in quarters for my $20 bill. I really need to do laundry.

 

The bridal shower today wasn't that bad, I ate enough food that I don't need to eat again till tomorrow haha.

 

I am debating right now what do I want to do with the rest of the day... its really nice outside...

 

I know what you mean Duck, I used to go to a little shop on the East Coast (of UK) that made handmade chocolate (now I live too far away), best chocolate I ever had! Anyway, all this talk of chocolate today has resulted in me eating way to many of the chocolates. WHoops.

 

What did you decide to do with your day?

[Duckduckgoose]

I think the coupled-to-not part of the transition would be the hardest.

 

Sucks.

 

Exactly DoT... your posts kind of hide sometimes lol

 

I decided to go to Ju-jitsu. Its usually held every Sunday after rapier practice. Its kind of neat to learn all the stylized motions of it, and know that they have a practical application of self-defense.

 

Of course my preferred method of self-defense is RUN LIKE HELL AND GET THE GUN!

 

I still gotta do laundry... I think its gonna storm bad here soon.

 

I could have gone mountain biking with MTB guy today but I've been kind of avoiding him lately... pretty much since I signed the papers. I like to talk to him he is friendly but I am afraid I will talk and say too much, I don't want to pour myself out to him I fear his natural male "protective" instinct will kick in and that's the LAST thing I need right now.

 

I don't want to feel like I can confide in him and start liking him or him start liking me... I don't need a relationship atm I need to heal. Its hard to do cause he knows all the good trails and he's got a wonderful bike that is so nice to look at and he's smart and witty... the last things I need. I don't want to get co-dependent or whatever that word is.

 

I want a friend to be able to talk to and do things I like with... but this is a MALE and that is a big red flag right there. In the woods ALONE is another one lol.

 

This frustrates me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Exactly DoT... your posts kind of hide sometimes lol

 

????

 

I decided to go to Ju-jitsu. Its usually held every Sunday after rapier practice. Its kind of neat to learn all the stylized motions of it, and know that they have a practical application of self-defense.

 

Of course my preferred method of self-defense is RUN LIKE HELL AND GET THE GUN!

 

How American of you. I guess I go hide in my igloo.

 

I still gotta do laundry... I think its gonna storm bad here soon.

 

I could have gone mountain biking with MTB guy today but I've been kind of avoiding him lately... pretty much since I signed the papers. I like to talk to him he is friendly but I am afraid I will talk and say too much, I don't want to pour myself out to him I fear his natural male "protective" instinct will kick in and that's the LAST thing I need right now.

 

I don't want to feel like I can confide in him and start liking him or him start liking me... I don't need a relationship atm I need to heal. Its hard to do cause he knows all the good trails and he's got a wonderful bike that is so nice to look at and he's smart and witty... the last things I need. I don't want to get co-dependent or whatever that word is.

 

I don't think that you get co-dependent because you find someone smart and witty LOL or even if you emotionally vent to him.

 

I want a friend to be able to talk to and do things I like with... but this is a MALE and that is a big red flag right there. In the woods ALONE is another one lol.

 

This frustrates me.

 

Find a female friend to hang with. I am guessing that there is no other cause for concern besides male and woods right?

 

Or is the red flag you being vulnerable?

[Duckduckgoose]

I'd say the red flag is me being vulnerable. Right now I am on the defensive like crazy.

 

The person who teaches DivorceCare said the worst person you can get involved with is a recently divorced person because they are like a wounded animal, and wounded animals can be very unpredictable.

 

I like to think I have more brains than an animal, but the concept is pretty solid.

 

It seems like my emotions have been tenderized and fried pretty bad. I am in a lashing out kind of mood, and that's not a mood I should be around people in.

 

Most females my age are ****ing idiots. They are either pre-occupied with girly things that I just don't find interesting, are stuck on their boyfriend or husband which I don't want to hear about, or are raising kids and don't have time to hang out. Those sorts also talk a lot about kids and child rearing related things... something I have no experience with and not particularly interested in. In general I get along better with males. I have little patience for females and their drama.

 

I've been told many many times I am wise beyond my years. While I think that may be partly true there is also a lot I do not know and am learning along the way. I do however believe that I probably have a far older soul than most people.

 

Man, my emotions are a mess right now... I am angry yet I feel like crying. I am lonely but I don't want to be around anyone. The walls are so high that if someone managed to scale them a sniper would pick them off as they reached the tip top.

 

I don't think the co-dependent comes from venting to him or him being smart and witty... it's more from getting attached when I am in such a bad state. Logic and emotions tell me to be suspicious. Maybe I just don't want to talk to the guy about it... even though I am really wanting to talk about it to someone... to have someone who cares listen.

 

God this is part of the ****ing reason I got married after all... because I loved him and because I wanted that person that would listen and help me when I am down. I would do the same in turn... and did. Yeah divorce really ****s things up.

 

Eh I need to go mess with my laundry before I go to bed. I will probably cry some more before then.