Kept side girl from before he met me... why???

[NeverendingJourney]

I'm very confused and need some help trying to understand this.

 

I dumped a man (little over a month ago) that I was dating, supposedly exclusively for 1-1/2 years because the entire time we we seeing each other, he had a sex toy on the side. He would leave my house after dinner some times and go to her. The only time he spent with her was when I wasn't available (I'm a divorced mom with 2 kids). He was very invested in me, took me to meet his mom out of town within 4 weeks of knowing him, spent holidays with them, etc. He never took this other woman out of the house and she was clearly just for sex. Sex was not an issue for us according to him.

 

I know about her because when I found an incriminating text, I called her and talked to her for several hours. I knew nothing of her before. She and I had both had conversations with him and he treated me like we were exclusive. There was no misunderstanding about exclusivity. He also knew I had zero tolerance for cheating, so he's been crying saying how he knows he's screwed up and that he's lost me and the kids, and how he'll have to live with that the rest of his life. Once he met my kids, he was very invested in them too. He was acting like a step dad, very supportive of them too. He's even apologized to my exh and called over to talk to the kids when they were with the exh.

 

He has come to me apologizing in tears, said he wasn't looking for a relationship when he met me and then it was the lie that kept growing. Blah, blah, blah. He's 41 and never married. I knew he had a real fear of commitment and he told me about a woman he dated 7 years who cheated on him. I know that's part of why he's screwed up. He would talk to me about it and was very convincing, saying he would never cheat on someone because he knows how that feels. He was a liar from before day one. He's clearly very upset according to our mutual friends and has apparently looking to see a therapist. I know his parents divorced when he was a teen and it was ugly, they still don't speak and he mom puts a guilt trip on him and his sister when they want to split time between the two houses over holidays (I've witnessed this). His mom is controlling so I think there's fear of commitment, dismissive attachment, and emotional immaturity at play with him.

 

I'm surprised he hasn't even tried to talk to me or ask for another chance. It's been about 5 weeks, and he's basically left me alone except he won't stop participating in a team sport I introduced him too. He does really enjoy it but I've asked him to stop going and he won't. He says he doesn't feel there's any negativity so there's no reason to not go.

 

This past week (week 4 from dday), we texted about some events my daughter had invited him to. In between texts he said he is so sorry he hurt me and can only hope I can one day forgive him. Another one said he hopes I know how much he has always loved me and he just wants what is best for me and my kids.

 

The week one apology seemed to me the I'm sorry I got caught. Week 4 seems a little more sincere but it was over text! He knows me well enough to know I'm not going to be swayed by flowers or empty words, and he does seem to be doing some soul searching. I honestly believe he is really upset at what has happened. He has deep issues he needs to address: emotional immaturity, mommy issues, fear of commitment, etc. But it makes me go back and forth from believing he really screwed up but did love me and my kids to he's just a selfish player a-hole and has no remorse because all I've gotten is a few texts slipped in for apologies.

 

I'm rambling but my mind is all over the place.

 

- Why if he really loved me and the kids, which everyone says he clearly did, is he not even making sure I know how sorry he is? He hasn't said anything even suggesting he'd want another chance. I'm not sure I'd give him one, but wouldn't you at least want me to know you wanted one???

 

- What makes a man keep another woman around just for sex? I was married 15 years and married young, so maybe I'm naive. If the sex was daily and when I asked, he never indicated he wanted anything to be different, why did he need another woman for sex? Are most men like that? I do now he broke off contact with her the week after verything came out.

 

Any thoughts you all have would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[PegNosePete]

He's not sorry he did it.

He's sorry he got caught.

If he was really sorry then he would be showing you with his actions. What do his actions tell you? They tell you that he doesn't give a cr@p.

 

You said it right, he's just a selfish player a-hole. Throw compulsive liar, cheat and hypocrite into the mix as well. Add that to his issues of commitment and all the other problems you mentioned. Really, he does NOT sound like relationship material or someone you would want anywhere near your kids. What a role model for your kids to see! Now you need to be the role model and show them how to deal with his type of person... the NC way!

[NeverendingJourney]

Thanks. He was basically a solid relationship partner when he was with me. VERY supportive of me and my kids, did tons of things around my house that I never asked him to do, we had fun together and laughed all the time.

 

I'm seeing a therapist and she suggested sometimes people with fear of commitment put in place things like this to keep themselves from getting to fully invested in a relationship, like a protective thing. I can see that with him.

 

He was just night and day in how he treated me. What he did was so unnecessary and 100% out of character for what he showed me. He spent 90% of his time doting over me and my kids. Why would he risk all that for a piece of a** on the side?

[2sunny]

some emotionally immature men are fearful of commitment. it's a selfish trait... or a learned behavior.

 

can they UNLEARN this trait? don't know - not if they aren't motivated to look at reasons why they operate this way. it serves a purpose... and you may never get to understand why. it's not YOUR fault he has this defect of character. some men are just greedy and selfish (he shows he IS - even though you don't want to believe that, he IS).

 

his actions show he wants you to forgive him - even though he hasn't given evidence that he is a changed man... going back would be simply accepting that he will always have this "secret side" to him.

 

you seem to still be wondering... giving this so much power isn't healthy. the space it takes up in your head isn't useful to you.

 

he isn't the man you thought he COULD be. that's all it is. consider yourself fortunate - that you found out now - instead of ten or twenty years down the road.

 

move forward.

[PegNosePete]

he isn't the man you thought he COULD be. that's all it is. consider yourself fortunate - that you found out now - instead of ten or twenty years down the road.

+1 to that. It doesn't matter why he did it. He did it, that's all. NEXT!

[DollyGirl12]

I'm sorry you went through this. Unfortunately these things happen and seem to be becoming more and more common.

I have to agree, he's sorry he got caught. If he didn't he'd still be doing it. He cannot control him impulses.

My ex did exactly the same thing (not keeping a woman on the side, but trolling the personals on Craigslist, etc.).

He may have been cheated on by an ex, but I would take everything he tells you with a grain of salt. There was probably much more to that story than you know. My ex was also cheated on and preached honesty, trust and faithfulness. After I caught him emailing the personals I then found out he was doing the very same thing behind his previous ex's back. He also hooked up with her when he was involved with someone else. So much for all that preaching!!

You deserve better.

[DollyGirl12]

A persons CHARACTER is what they do when they think no one is watching.

[Chi townD]

Well, to me, it sounds like he was cheated on in the past and he grown to be afraid of FULL commitment. He even admitted that he never planned on getting that close with you, but it happened. He screwed up big time and he knows it. Does it justifies what he did to you? Absolutly not. But, at least he's actively seeking therapy which is a step in the right direction for him in future relationships.

 

Why doesn't he try to get back with you? Because he's been there. He was and idiot and he knows the pain you're going through right now and he knows there is nothing he can say or do to make it any better for you. At least he's being respectful after the fact and leaving you alone. He made a HUGE mistake, and that's a mistake he'll have to live with because you don't have to.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

[SoleMate]

Hmmm...this is a tough one. Clearly it's NOT about sex primarily....as you've mentioned, he had a perfectly fine sex life with you and had no requests for it to be any different.

 

AND....his actions clearly showed a high degree of attachment to you, which looked very much like love. Yes, doting authentically on your kids and doing lots of unasked things to help you around the house are typical ways for men to demonstrate love.

 

YET....he went elsewhere, seemingly just for sex. Do keep in mind that even "just sex" can have a strong emotional component for men, just as it can for women. "Just sex" with #2 may have been both fun and emotionally reassuring and soothing. Also it could salve the pain of not being able to be with you, even for a short time.

 

This is sad. I think he probably does authentically love you, BUT he has a problem of choosing/needing/wanting this other activity, very destructive to your r/s, as well. It may not be possible for him to change. If he claims to even want to attempt it, I would insist on total disclosure what actually happened, and his HONEST account of why. The problem is, he may not low or not be willing to admit it, and without understanding of root cause, this can't EVER be fixed, IMO.

[Woman In Blue]

I don't think I've read so many excuses for a*sshole behavior in my life. Let's see...we have "fear of commitment," a past relationship where the woman supposedly cheated on him, his parents divorcing when he was a teen, dealing with his parents laying guilt trips on him when he has to decide whose house to go to for Thanksgiving, "mommy issues," etc. etc. etc. Have I missed anything?

 

And for what it's worth, ALOT of us grew up with divorcing parents and/or had experience with cheating spouses. He's NOT unique.

 

I would imagine that the latest and greatest excuse all men are now using when they get caught with their pants down, "I'm a sex addict and need to go to treatment!" should rear it's ugly head ANY day now....

 

NeverEnding Journey, it sounds as though you're justifying what he did with all these lame excuses because you're gearing up to forgive him. It won't suprise me at all if you come back to the board a month from now and announce you're back together, because it's pretty obvious from your posts that you're definitely considering it.

 

Just remember - if you do take him back, this time around you KNEW he was a snake when you picked him up.

[Chi townD]

"I would imagine that the latest and greatest excuse all men are now using when they get caught with their pants down, "I'm a sex addict and need to go to treatment!" should rear it's ugly head ANY day now...."

 

 

 

OKay.....sooooo... what are women using as an excuse nowadays?

[DollyGirl12]

Excuses are just that, whether they are given by a man or a woman. I don't think gender plays a roll in this at all.

If this had maybe been something he was involved in when he first met her, and ended things when he realized she was the one for him, well, maybe I could see finding forgiveness in that. But this is something that he carried on throughout their entire relationship, behind her back. Just not right at all. And he didn't come forward with it. He would still be doing it if he had not been caught. That's the only reason he feels bad right now. If he had felt bad about it previously he wouldn't have carried on for the 1 1/2 years that he was with her.

I have to agree with Woman in Blue. If we keep allowing this kind of behavior and making excuses for it then nobody learns anything. Nobody is ever held accountable for things they do today it seems. And as a mom I want the best example for my child.

[NeverendingJourney]

I'm struggling to make sense of it. I recognize that may be futile. What's hard for me is I had an eye opening issue myself, realizing I had hidden abandonment issues from my childhood (my mother ended up committing suicide a few years ago). I ended up seeing a therapist and he stood by me despite some hurtful things I did when I was with him. I do feel compassion for him as a person with his own demons that he's just starting to become aware of. We all have issues. We all deal with them in different ways. I do really wish he had just come to me and told me, or even broken down immediately when I found out and spilled everything. I know he's seriously grieving what he's done now. That doesn't change the fact that I would never be able to trust him as a life partner again, but that doesn't mean I refuse to have anything to do with him at all. Maybe that makes it seem like I have low self-esteem. I do not. I am a very successful, smart, attractive person with a good heart, lots of friends, and people who love me and show it every day. I believe people come into your life for a reason. He was in mine for a reason. Maybe that reason has run its course, maybe not.

 

In addition to the incriminating text, I saw several others from her. They were from the woman saying, "What the F is going on... I haven't heard from you in weeks." He said (and she substantiated when I talked to her) that he hadn't seen her in over a month whereas before he was seeing each other weekly, at times twice a week. I do believe he had ended it with her at least in his own mind... he just hadn't cleaned up the mess. Karma is funny. If he had cleaned it up along with the texts, I never would have known anything.

[Chi townD]

So what if he didn't clean up the texts. HE STILL CHEATED ON YOU!! Thank your lucky stars that he didn't!

[NeverendingJourney]

I'm definitely glad I know. That's life looking out for me.

 

Cheating is cheating. I've always had zero tolerance for it. I divorced my exh for an emotional affair because there were enough boundaries crosses even if they didn't have sex.

 

I have always been a black and white person. I've learned in more recent years that life is shades of gray.

 

This is a person who will not fully exit my life. My social/sport activity that I've been doing for 4 years and love is 4 days a week and we travel on weekends as a team, hanging out, etc. He started participating last year with me and is now integral in the team too. I've asked him and he does not want to stop participating. My therapist says it's because that's the only connection he has to you.

 

That's why I'm struggling to understand this because I cannot just go NC and avoid him. I see him 4 days a week in close proximity and want the anger and negativity to go away. If I can understand it, maybe that will help let these feelings go.

[Flgirl44]

 

I know about her because when I found an incriminating text, I called her and talked to her for several hours. I knew nothing of her before. She and I had both had conversations with him and he treated me like we were exclusive. There was no misunderstanding about exclusivity. He also knew I had zero tolerance for cheating, so he's been crying saying how he knows he's screwed up and that he's lost me and the kids, and how he'll have to live with that the rest of his life. Once he met my kids, he was very invested in them too. He was acting like a step dad, very supportive of them too. He's even apologized to my exh and called over to talk to the kids when they were with the exh.

 

 

I've noticed a trend here when people screw up, a lot of times they will have a clearer head about how you should react than you do, and im starting to think we should listen more when people talk.

 

For instance, what I bolded, he knows he messed up and he's lost you. It's like him saying "Yeah I really messed up, you should leave." Or someone saying "You aren't mad, are you?" Probably because you should be mad. Or prefacing things with "You're going to hate me but..." LISTEN it's them saying what they would do in your shoes. They would hate you, they would leave, they would be mad etc..... bottom line is many cheaters wouldn't stand for the same behavior they are putting you through and that's the twisted truth of those statements.

 

They are spelling out what any respectable person would do in the situation because many cheaters will approach you as if they were/still are respectable people, the same way they justify cheating they are able to go on blissfully ignorant of their diminished moral standing. Deep down they think they were justified on some level or they wouldn't have made such a huge leap. They think they know right from wrong better than you, and this is one situation they let it out and it actually benefits you to listen.

[2sunny]

you saw the core of his character - are you willing to live with a man that has that kind of integrity?