She's Left after 23 years of marriage - I'm in pieces

[KCCO]

I am absolutely devasted. A week last Monday I received a text from my wife of 23 years saying that she wouldn't be coming away with me that night and she wanted some time away. She said she thought she still loved me but had been given a place to stay for while. My life felt like it ended that day and it still feels like that now - I am in pieces, absolutely wretched.

 

She came 'round to talk on Tuesday. I say she but the cold, heartless, uncaring person I saw before me was not my wife, she seemed like an alien. I told her how much I loved her and begged her to reconsider but she said she can now do what she wants when she wants how she wants so is happy. However, her parting shot was that she would go away and think about it.

 

The are two complications to this tale. The first is that 3 months ago she was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression. Her father is in a care home because of alcoholism and her sister is a severe alcoholic. She's also never got over the death of her mother a few years ago. Thus I thought her depression was because of these things not me - how wrong it seems I was. I have been to see a doctor because of my suffering and he's given me some sleeping pills. However, when I described my wife's action and the depression he said it sounded like she's had an 'episode' and needed to see her doctor urgently.

 

The second is our 23 year old twin sons who returned home from long trips away just after she left. It was their birthday and she didn't even call them. They did get a text and a card but that's it. She was devoted to them but hasn't actually spoken to one of them for nearly 6 weeks.

 

When she was here last she said some horrible hurtful things. 'I haven't wanted to kiss you for a long time' just being one of them. The person before me was heartless and my wife was I thought anything but that. She was always kind, caring and considerate

 

I don't gamble, I don't drink excessively, I don't womanise and have honestly never said no to anything she wanted to do. Things haven't been great lately but I'd put this down to her depression. I was happy to devote my life to this woman and now all I have left is my loneliness and utter despair. Is there any hope she'll be back?

[worlybear]

My heart breaks for you. I know how it feels to be treated like this. Please don't take offence but is there any possibility there is another man involved?

I think you need to find out.

Many hugs

:bunny:

[KCCO]

Well, I asked her and she said not. I think I believe her but then I never ever thought she walk out.

[oldguy]

I unfortunately agree with the possibility of another person however that is at best secondary to your situation.

 

I take it you and your wife only have the 23 yo twins and they normally live at home? It isn't uncommon for a couple who have been parents most of their married lives to suddenly become confused, depressed when those roles, as mom & dad seem to be coming to an end. It can be a very tough transition for a couple who suddenly find themselves just a couple.

 

There is little you can do without her cooperation and to be honest, the prognosis isn't great unless you can open communication & introduce a professional. Try to convince her to seek counselling for her dispersion first. after that if she isn't willing to go with you to relationship counselling try to convince her to go separately, (to the same clinician).

 

Keep in mind that even though your children are adults, this is still a very traumatic event for them.

[Flgirl44]

I'm really sorry to hear all that. I don't have anything to add other than I hope that everything works out for you.

[fltc]

Sorry to hear your story, it must be a terrible shock! I'd like to give you some encouragement but.... I can't. You should face the fact that your marriage is over, she may very well have a replacement for you or be seeking one.

 

You can try NC but don't be surprised if she's gone forever, sorry but people change and the fact that she's saying things deliberately to hurt you indicates that she probably has no intention of returning to you.

 

You can try to go back to where you were and be miserable for days, weeks or months before you finally admit it's over or you can admit it's over right now and move on with your life.

[Goldenspoon]

I unfortunately agree with the possibility of another person however that is at best secondary to your situation.

 

I disagree. I don't think it's a possibility; but an almost certainty as 99% that she is having an affair. He is kissing him and having sex with him and in order to justify her actions, she had to convince you and everyone else that she hated you and your marriage.

 

There is no way she will say "yes, I am having sex with another man" when asked if she's having an affair. A cheater will lie, lie, cheat, and lie some more.

[fltc]

but had been given a place to stay for while.

 

Where might this place be? Possibly her lover's house?

 

she said she can now do what she wants when she wants how she wants so is happy.

 

OK, so she told you she's screwing someone else but you don't want to believe that... I completely understand but... please, read what you wrote!

 

I suspect when all the information is available you'll find out this may be a long term affair, she's been with this guy for some time.

 

'I haven't wanted to kiss you for a long time'

 

And that maybe when it started, 'a long time' ago.

 

I really hope I'm wrong but that's the messages she's sent, get to a lawyer RIGHT NOW! If you can afford it, consider hiring a PI to investigate what's she's doing now and has been doing in the past.

 

WARNING: It might hurt, really hurt! Just keep repeating, "It looks like her, it sounds like her but IT'S NOT THE WOMAN I LOVED in that body."

[seibert253]

Add another vote for OM in the picture.

[KCCO]

...but I asked her outright. Is there someone else and she said 'no'. Why would she lie at this stage? What would be the point?

 

There do seem to be some quite bitter people on here. Are they bitter because of their own bitter experiences and perhaps have become a little misogynistic perhaps? Or am I deluding myself again? Their experience is my experience.

 

Whatever, I'm so grateful for all the comments.

[wuggle]

.There do seem to be some quite bitter people on here. Are they bitter because of their own bitter experiences and perhaps have become a little misogynistic perhaps? Or am I deluding myself again? Their experience is my experience.

 

There are sadly, that is the nature of the site I'm afraid. As you say you know yourself and your situation better than anyone else. You will get a mix of good advice and other people's bitterness tainted advice. Understandable, you know how bad you feel, that's how many have or still do feel here.

 

It takes a lot of time to try to get through your life being ripped apart, how you rebuild it is the important thing. Take whatever good advice you can from here and try to forgive those who may deliberately (or more usually not) be offering tainted advice.

 

I can't help with your particular situation as I have no experience of severe depression but to offer you good luck.

[Woggle]

...but I asked her outright. Is there someone else and she said 'no'. Why would she lie at this stage? What would be the point?

 

There do seem to be some quite bitter people on here. Are they bitter because of their own bitter experiences and perhaps have become a little misogynistic perhaps? Or am I deluding myself again? Their experience is my experience.

 

Whatever, I'm so grateful for all the comments.

 

It's not bitterness. Those of us who have been on the receiving end when a woman turns on us have seen it already.

 

When a woman all of a sudden turns cold and heartless like this usually there is somebody. Be ready for anything you can possibly imagine from her.

[wuggle]

When a woman all of a sudden turns cold and heartless like this usually there is somebody. Be ready for anything you can possibly imagine from her.

 

But not always....maybe severe depression, the death of her mother, an alcoholic father & sister, a shift in parental 'roles' could be the real reasons. I think it points to something that her relationship with the sons has deteriorated as well, I haven't associated this behaviour with an affair from stories I have read on here before.

[KCCO]

Well, one son has gone away for the Easter weekend. It's horrid here at home so I'm taking the other one away for a few days. Still nothing heard from my wife/their mother!

[sumdude]

...but I asked her outright. Is there someone else and she said 'no'. Why would she lie at this stage? What would be the point?

 

There do seem to be some quite bitter people on here. Are they bitter because of their own bitter experiences and perhaps have become a little misogynistic perhaps? Or am I deluding myself again? Their experience is my experience.

 

Whatever, I'm so grateful for all the comments.

 

There are often very similar patterns to the behavior of wayward wives. Those of us who have been through it understand.

 

They may lie to your face when confronted.

They may lie to almost everyone around them including best friends and family.

They may go out of their way to blame the betrayed spouse and make them feel as bad as possible to justify their actions.

 

No not every case is the same and at the moment the possibility that your wife is seeing someone else is high but net yet certain.

 

Here's my story for example.

 

I know that my ex started treating me pretty badly for a few months. She was depressed or appeared to be depressed. She stared being constantly angry at me. One day she just moved out without warning to a 'rented room'. It didn't take me long and much snooping of cell phones records etc to realize she had moved in with another man. Even a year after we were divorced and she had married this man she lied to me about who she married... it was amazing who she turned into.

 

I feel for you and what you';re going through. I hope that it's not the case that she is seeing someone else. Regardless you must start thinking of yourself first. Start taking good care of yourself.

[Owl]

Similar story here as well. Years ago, my wife broke her ankle, and started displaying signs of depression. Refused to see anyone about it...long story short she ended up in an emotional affair with someone she met online ...and was all set to leave me and the kids for him.

 

Realize I'm not angry or upset or anything like that...we've long since successfully recovered our marriage.

 

I've posted here for a long time, and I've seen tons of similar stories...and I have to agree with other posters that your story sounds REMARKABLY similar.

 

I too would seriously suspect that she's met someone else. Women rarely leave on their own...often when they get to that point...they're leaving as much to go be with someone else as they are leaving the marriage.

 

Go back and look at her cell phone records, her internet usage on the home computer, etc... Affairs require a lot of communication...it will leave a trail that you can find if you go look.

 

Start investigating...and good luck my friend.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dude, there's another guy.

 

We see it all of the time on here.

 

Same crazy wife story over and over and over.

[wuggle]

In general, advice is advice no matter if you think the advice coming from the betrayed is tainted. Don't you folks have better arguments to come up with?

 

Exactly and your history proves it. So instead of starting arguments it would be better to .

 

WIY, you are a very nasty rude poster. I presume you are so bitter with life because your wife was bad to you. I feel sorry for you. I hope you get over the bitterness soon and move on with your life. God bless.

[coffeeaddict]

There do seem to be some quite bitter people on here.

 

I know, but I've read a lot of the stories on here, and they all sound the same way. The seemingly sudden shift in behavior. The wife is suddenly detached, cold, cruel. I think that your membership card to the bitter people club is in the mail.

[wuggle]

But out of how many stories is that the case? Almost every story on this site similar to OP's story shows that when a woman all of a sudden wants out, it's because another man is moving in (pun intended).

 

Agreed, almost every story is similar, the withdrawal, the depression, the distancing, the nastiness or aloofness towards the partner, then the sudden unexpected announcement that they are leaving, the lies etc.

 

My point was that although most of the symptoms are the same it is possible that her leaving is down to the depression caused by the other factors (mother's death, alcoholic father etc) These factors are not present in most other straightforward 'affair' stories I have read on here and the issue of her coldness to her sons also seems un-typical from what I have read. It surprises me that a woman who has lost her mother and is struggling to get over it would want to alienate her sons who until that point she loved dearly

 

I was trying to help the OP by offering an alternative view point as I didn't see anyone else posting on here who didn't think that his wife was having an affair, especially given that she was already depressed and the family's doctor expressed deep concerns and wanted to see her.

 

There is a sadly a danger that even if my pov is correct and she didn't leave because she was having an affair, that if she is severely depressed she may now reach out to someone else as she might feel abandoned by her partner of 23 years who doesn't understand her depression.

[worlybear]

Nah. I don't buy it. Everything she's doing points to an affair.

And her reaction to her grown-up kids?

I'll quote my STBXH on our 5 kids "They're adults now- it's time for me.":rolleyes:

(Actually one was only 7 at the time.)

Yes, I'm aware he's a loser but I just wanted to show that its sadly much more likely that she has already checked out the relationship and worrying that depression is to blame is probably the wrong path.

Get yourself some legal help asap.

Hugs:bunny::bunny:

[Goldenspoon]

Still nothing heard from my wife/their mother!

 

Because she is "busy" with her new boyfriend. Wake up.

 

Hire a private investigator, they will get you pictures.

[willowthewisp]

Bitterness seems to be a word used a lot on her to describe someone who is upset about the way they have been wronged by another. It seems to be used in a degorerty way in that the people described as bitter have no right to feel the way that they do, that they should "get over" it because their feelings are unjustified, so I thought I would look it it and share the definition with you -

 

Bitter - Marked by resentment or cynicism

Resentment - Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance

Grievance - A real or imagined wrong or other cause for complaint or protest, esp. unfair treatment

 

So then to be bitter really means to feel one had been wronged by another perosn, sometimes justifably so when they really have been wronged, to be treated unfairly, so would someone describe a victim of a violent crime as "bitter"? No perhaps not.

 

Generally, it seems those who use the word to describe others on here are the ones that caused the grievance to someone else. Interesting don't you think?

Edited April 23, 2011 by willowthewisp

[wuggle]

Bitterness seems to be a word used a lot on her to describe someone who is upset about the way they have been wronged by another. It seems to be used in a degorerty way in that the people described as bitter have no right to feel the way that they do, that they should "get over" it because their feelings are unjustified, so I thought I would look it it and share the definition with you -

 

Bitter - Marked by resentment or cynicism

Resentment - Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance

Grievance - A real or imagined wrong or other cause for complaint or protest, esp. unfair treatment

 

So then to be bitter really means to feel one had been wronged by another perosn, sometimes justifably so when they really have been wronged, to be treated unfairly, so would someone describe a victim of a violent crime as "bitter"? No perhaps not.

 

Generally, it seems those who use the word to describe others on here are the ones that caused the grievance to someone else. Interesting don't you think?

 

Thanks for the definition. I personally have never had a problem with bitterness on this site, I accept totally that many people are, and rightly so. I think that that is part of the site, people come here often because they have been treated badly by their partners etc and want to share their experiences and gain some understanding.

 

p.s If you are referring to my comments to WIY, these were meant to reflect the fact that every time I make a post on this site he feels the need to try to lynch me. I understand he is bitter but feel he should either direct this (probably justified) bitterness towards the person who treated him badly or himself. My comment hoping he 'gets over it' was meant in a genuine way.

[Steadfast]

But not always....maybe severe depression...*SNIP*...I haven't associated this behaviour with an affair from stories I have read on here before.

 

Once again breaking my vow to not respond to responders, the above statement is genuinely bad information. The behavior of the wife in question falls completely in line with what's been experienced and shared here by most, if not all posters. Not only is she seeing someone, but he is her whole world right now...above her husband (who is targeted in her justify/blame) friends, and kids. Why freeze others and not just the husband? Because she knows what they'll say and think. Cheaters often/usually set up their defense well before the battle starts.

 

But remember this OP; your wife only thinks her boyfriend is the center of her universe. The real villain in this situation is her. Her guilt stems from not only her present actions, but the fact she probably sought him out. At the bottom of the conflict is her, and this is normal. As is your belief that she is telling you the truth.

 

Bitterness seems to be a word used a lot on her to describe someone who is upset about the way they have been wronged by another. It seems to be used in a degorerty way in that the people described as bitter have no right to feel the way that they do, that they should "get over" it...

 

Taking any advice given recklessly presents a danger, but those who come here with loose wheels soon grow bored and move on. And while everyone that I've read here agrees that every situation is different, the patterns of human behavior are not. They are clues -sometimes strong ones- to what's happening insides the person's head and heart.

 

So, if you're bitter willow, then so am I. I loved my wife but I don't love what she did, and never will. Exposing her actions was the first step in my personal healing, even if it was the most painful part of it.

 

OP: you must get to the bottom of it. Only after you know the truth can you react in a way that's intelligently directed. Talk is cheap, her actions are what matters now.