Are we lovers or aren't we?

[myjot]

I am new to this (or any) forum, so pls forgive me if my post is out of context.

We have known each other since grade 9, we are know both 42. Two years ago he said "hello" online via social network. Simply innocent and brief at that time. Then last May he laid it on thick and he captured my attention, which is hard to do. He persued me relentlessly and I fell for it hook line and sinker. Our on-line chats lead to very few phone calls--he called me--I never made the first move. Then we met in person--we kissed and that was it! We both wanted more. We slowly and carefully nurtured our fantasy. We met locally only a few times, each time wanting more, but unable to see it through (very brief encounters). The more physical we became...the more careful we became about chats and texts (we agreed to end the playful banter). Finally after 8 months of talking about it, we met out of town. We were both wanting each other badly, but both also knew how serious our actions were.

A short time after that meeting his contact with me has become much less. He admits he is afraid to get caught (no kidding!). We are both married with families. We have many friends in common including our spouses. We are clear with each other that our relationship is strickly about sex. We have no interest in changing our lives for each other.

My issue lately his his hot/cold interest in me. He is always friendly, but not always playful. He will not always say "hi", and then he will ask to call me and ask when I will be out of town next. We agreed to lay off the hot talk chats, and texts...but he claims he still wants to "hang and play" out of town. Just last week we spoke twice, yet he could not meet me away. (altho, I never expect he always will)

I am willing! Is he? Really? I want this!! But not sure how the game works.

 

Keep in mind, we both realize the seriousness of our actions, we have discussed this plenty. I am not looking to be told how awful I am for being involved with this situation. I know!!! I just want greater understanding of him.

I am especially interested in hearing from married men who have had or are having an affair with no desire to leave their home life. Do I patiently pursue?

[dreamingoftigers]

It is of course best to discuss these things beforehand,

 

Like with your spouse whom you could risk giving an STD to over your sexual indulgence.

 

Or perhaps with his spouse since you are planning to help destroy her marriage.

 

I hope he decides between hot and cold soon, playtime should get figured out one way or another. Don't want to keep those lawyers waiting.

[dreamingoftigers]

Keep in mind, we both realize the seriousness of our actions, we have discussed this plenty. I am not looking to be told how awful I am for being involved with this situation. I know!!! I just want greater understanding of him.

 

Let me help you understand him. He proposed and got married to another woman a long time ago.

 

Now he is risking that over little games with some woman who is willing toss her family away over a cheap fling.

 

There isn't anything greater then the choice he is making to bitch-slap everyone in the situation.

 

You are on the eve of an affair, back-up, smarten up and go home. Be grateful you still have one. 42 is not ninth grade, unless you didn't finish it.

[confusedinkansas]

I'm not the man in the (past A) relationionship but I've experienced what you're feeling. My X-AP & I had those talks as well. - "Only about the sex, not leaving spouses, good family people, this is just for fun....etc. "

 

He also was hot & cold off & on. HIS explaination to me was this - in a nutshell;

 

'The fun was fun while we were having fun. The he'd go home. There was the wife & kiddos. Guilt set in. He thought about what he was doing & thought he could "COOL IT" with me. Of course the guilt was only there for a day or two & then he was back to missing me.'

Guilt or not, he's not the guy that breaks up with women (even now). He pushes until they do the breaking up. That way he's not the bad guy.

 

My 'guilt' on the other hand wasn't like his. I didn't have kids at home at the time. My husband was leading his own life & couldn't have cared less what I was doing.

[confusedinkansas]

This is exactly why many relationships are so messed up. Yapping off at the mouth about how exciting their affairs are and wonder why their betrayed spouses curses them to Hell.

 

The affair WAS WAS WAS exciting at the time. Does it mean I wanna go back there. Hell - to - the - NO.

 

Typical blame shifting tactics from the book, Cheaters and Selfish Folks 101.

 

Oh, How horrible of me. Even if it's true:eek:

My husband was leading his own life....At The Time

 

After all this time, you still blame your own husband and refuse to see the damage you've caused to your marriage and ultimately yourself. Darn shame, but pitiful.

Oh dear, here we go again. Never said it was ALL his fault. Holy Cow.

[myjot]

I'm not the man in the (past A) relationionship but I've experienced what you're feeling. My X-AP & I had those talks as well. - "Only about the sex, not leaving spouses, good family people, this is just for fun....etc. "

 

He also was hot & cold off & on. HIS explaination to me was this - in a nutshell;

 

'The fun was fun while we were having fun. The he'd go home. There was the wife & kiddos. Guilt set in. He thought about what he was doing & thought he could "COOL IT" with me. Of course the guilt was only there for a day or two & then he was back to missing me.'

Guilt or not, he's not the guy that breaks up with women (even now). He pushes until they do the breaking up. That way he's not the bad guy.

 

My 'guilt' on the other hand wasn't like his. I didn't have kids at home at the time. My husband was leading his own life & couldn't have cared less what I was doing.

 

 

Interesting...

[myjot]

I have a great deal respect for all comments, and I realize affairs are not praised by many...but the facts are these things have been happening since the beginning of time. Thus my unpopular opinion that the human race is not meant to monogomas.

So I reiterate that my hope was to hear from men who have endulged or are involved in an affair. I want to learn more about their thought process. I know you exsist...the stats proove it.

Isn't that, in part, why this forum is here?

[Doing it Since '78]

I have a great deal respect for all comments, and I realize affairs are not praised by many...but the facts are these things have been happening since the beginning of time. Thus my unpopular opinion that the human race is not meant to monogomas.

So I reiterate that my hope was to hear from men who have endulged or are involved in an affair. I want to learn more about their thought process. I know you exsist...the stats proove it.

Isn't that, in part, why this forum is here?

 

Listen dear, you are just p*ssy to him at this point, nothing more nothing less-

 

If you are ok with being his "out of town" p*ssy, then go right at it, if not leave it alone, chalk it up as some illicit fun, take it to your grave, and enjoy the memories-

 

The only thing from this point on is somebody is gonna get their feelings hurt, and it's going to be your folks-

[2sunny]

I have a great deal respect for all comments, and I realize affairs are not praised by many...but the facts are these things have been happening since the beginning of time. Thus my unpopular opinion that the human race is not meant to monogomas.

So I reiterate that my hope was to hear from men who have endulged or are involved in an affair. I want to learn more about their thought process. I know you exsist...the stats proove it.

Isn't that, in part, why this forum is here?

 

that is just fine - as long as spouses are informed of the truth.

 

the thought process? i'll tell you...

 

selfish

self serving

feeds the ego

causes harm - but both will be delusional enough to justify the behavior causing the harm

sense of entitlement

ignoring the harm caused for immediate pleasure and ego feed

lives turn upside down for a moment of delusional passion

imagined and fantasizing intimacy

 

how's that reality for a starter - because that's just the tip of the ice berg.

 

tell spouses what ride you are taking them on - they should have choices of whether or not they want to get on this ride or not...

 

IF you can honestly look in the mirror and tell yourself that this IS the person you intended to be - then go right ahead. no one can tell you not to do this- only you can make that decision for yourself.

[Memphis Raines]

first you say this

 

I am not looking to be told how awful I am for being involved with this situation. I know!!!

 

then you say this

 

I just want greater understanding of him.

I am especially interested in hearing from married men who have had or are having an affair with no desire to leave their home life. Do I patiently pursue?

 

 

you know you are an awful person? yet you want advice on knowing your affair partner better? get real.

 

and then you want us to tell you if you should pursue him???

 

you are in a forum where a majority of people come to deal with the pain of being cheated on. what kind of advice do you think we would give you?

[Memphis Raines]

I have a great deal respect for all comments

 

we don't want you to respect our comments, we want you to respect your husband

 

 

and I realize affairs are not praised by many

 

thats because there is a serious character flaw in someone that does praise affairs.

 

 

...but the facts are these things have been happening since the beginning of time. Thus my unpopular opinion that the human race is not meant to monogomas.

 

then why the hell are you married? talk about abandoning your principles

 

 

So I reiterate that my hope was to hear from men who have endulged or are involved in an affair. I want to learn more about their thought process. I know you exsist...the stats proove it.

Isn't that, in part, why this forum is here?

 

what, to give someone who is cheating on her husband some sort of hope or tingly little feeling? not really.

[linwood]

I am especially interested in hearing from married men who have had or are having an affair with no desire to leave their home life. Do I patiently pursue?

 

Yes, pursue him.

 

His time is as difficult to come by as yours.

Ask for no commitment and be prepared to take a back seat in his life.

 

Pursuing him will keep him interested and he`s likely to give you more of his time if he knows for sure you want it.

[Woggle]

If you don't believe in monogamy why did you marry?

[alexandria35]

I have a great deal respect for all comments, and I realize affairs are not praised by many...but the facts are these things have been happening since the beginning of time. Thus my unpopular opinion that the human race is not meant to monogomas.

So I reiterate that my hope was to hear from men who have endulged or are involved in an affair. I want to learn more about their thought process. I know you exsist...the stats proove it.

Isn't that, in part, why this forum is here?

 

Hey you're an adult capable of making your own choices. If you don't believe in monogamy then you should be free to pursue a non monogomas lifestyle. Whatever floats your boat and makes you happy. However isn't your husband an adult also capable of making his own choices? Right now you are denying him the right to choose the lifestyle he wants by withholding information from him. Why not tell your husband that you no longer want to be a one man woman so that he too can find himself a little fun on the side or find himself a woman who only wants him? What does being non-monogamos have to do with being a lying deceitful cheat? Affairs are not praised because they involve lying and deceiving. Do you also not subscribe to the popular opinion that honesty is best?

 

Did you read any of the threads in this forum before you posted? I'm going to assume that you did not because if you had you would certainly know that this forum isn't here to assist people in cheating on their spouses or luring married people into affairs.

[dreamingoftigers]

Everyone kept it so articulate on this thread. Brought a tear to me eye.

 

I have a great deal respect for all comments, and I realize affairs are not praised by many...but the facts are these things have been happening since the beginning of time. Thus my unpopular opinion that the human race is not meant to monogomas.

 

If you are going to take a stance on it, try spelling it properly: monogamous.

 

So I reiterate that my hope was to hear from men who have endulged or are involved in an affair. I want to learn more about their thought process. I know you exsist...the stats proove it.

Isn't that, in part, why this forum is here?

 

Looks like the stats are not much in your favour today, same as with marriages that last after affairs: 35%.

 

Listen dear, you are just p*ssy to him at this point, nothing more nothing less-

If you are ok with being his "out of town" p*ssy, then go right at it, if not leave it alone, chalk it up as some illicit fun, take it to your grave, and enjoy the memories-

The only thing from this point on is somebody is gonna get their feelings hurt, and it's going to be your folks-

 

Welcome back '78, been awhile.

 

that is just fine - as long as spouses are informed of the truth.

 

the thought process? i'll tell you...

 

selfish

self serving

feeds the ego

causes harm - but both will be delusional enough to justify the behavior causing the harm

sense of entitlement

ignoring the harm caused for immediate pleasure and ego feed

lives turn upside down for a moment of delusional passion

imagined and fantasizing intimacy

 

how's that reality for a starter - because that's just the tip of the ice berg.

 

tell spouses what ride you are taking them on - they should have choices of whether or not they want to get on this ride or not...

 

IF you can honestly look in the mirror and tell yourself that this IS the person you intended to be - then go right ahead. no one can tell you not to do this- only you can make that decision for yourself.

 

You are a woman, it will eat at you. Statistically it does tend to do that, and women out themselves more often then they are caught.

 

we don't want you to respect our comments, we want you to respect your husband

 

thats because there is a serious character flaw in someone that does praise affairs.

 

then why the hell are you married? talk about abandoning your principles

 

what, to give someone who is cheating on her husband some sort of hope or tingly little feeling? not really.

 

^^^^This is one of the wittiest posts I have ever seen on LS.

 

Another post that reinforces my belief that women in the west are far too selfish for marriage.

 

I am a Western woman, I would never pull this ****. I agree that the percentages are higher here though. Quite honestly the men here encourage the behaviours as well though.

 

OP,

you are treating this affair like a casual friendship, you admit that your spouses know each other or at least run in the same circle yet your main concern is your affair and not the long term mental anguish this will cause your H, his W, and the children.

 

Please get a divorce. You are way too selfish to be married and flat out your H and family deserve better

 

Or just knock it off and educate yourself on how the Hell you are affecting others. You and this guy "know the risks" but I am willing to bet that you are only thinking of the embarassment you will feel at "getting caught." No one looking down the barrel of anguish and caring about their family pulls this stupid crap.

 

If you don't believe in monogamy why did you marry?

 

Isn't that the million dollar question.....

 

Exactly. And folks get mad when someone calls them out on their behavior over the internet, while they're hurting folks in real life.

 

Perhaps this was the forum she was meant to come to after all.

[Woman In Blue]

A short time after that meeting his contact with me has become much less. He admits he is afraid to get caught (no kidding!).

Well let's ponder this. BEFORE he got laid, he was making a much better effort at staying in touch and stoking the fires. AFTER the chase and subsequent sex, he's suddenly 'afraid' of getting caught and reduces the contact down to a trickle. LOL...come on, you're 42 years old. Even a 12 year old girl gets the dynamic of this behavior...men have been doing it since the dawn of history. Now that he's satisfied his curiosity (and lust) the interest level simply isn't what it was. It's NOT rocket science.

 

My issue lately his his hot/cold interest in me. He is always friendly, but not always playful. He will not always say "hi", and then he will ask to call me and ask when I will be out of town next.

I think it just depends on how horny he is at the moment. If he's acting cold and aloof, it just means he's not interested in getting laid at the moment and won't expend any effort in sexually 'wooing' you. Again, it ain't rocket science.

 

We agreed to lay off the hot talk chats, and texts...but he claims he still wants to "hang and play" out of town. Just last week we spoke twice, yet he could not meet me away. (altho, I never expect he always will) I am willing! Is he? Really? I want this!! But not sure how the game works.

Maybe you're not the ONLY action he's getting. He's probably reconnected with quite a few 'old friends' on the website and is very possibly meeting up with them as well.

 

I am especially interested in hearing from married men who have had or are having an affair with no desire to leave their home life. Do I patiently pursue?

'

Patiently pursue WHAT? An occasional roll in the hay out of town? Sounds as though that's already the situation. I keep getting the nagging feeling that perhaps the sex just wasn't explosive enough for him to want to get together again. Getting together requires alot of work and effort for a married person. Maybe he just isn't getting enough "bang for his buck" to justify the effort he'd have to expend to get out for the night, and he doesn't have the guts to tell you that? Just a thought.

[Click]

Murder and theft have been going on since the beginning of time too. That doesn't make them good.

 

You made a promise to you spouse to be faithful. If you are no longer interesting in keeping your promise be honest about it.

 

Tell your husband you want to pursue another relationship and give him the equal amount of information that you have to make his decisions about his life.

 

You are using your promise of fidelity like a weapon to humiliate and degrade somebody you promised to respect and honor. Remember that promise? It doesn't seem like you do.

 

Your attitude about this issue seems very casual. If it's no big deal then tell your spouse and his what has happened. Don't play both sides of the facts.

[xxoo]

It sounds like you are romanticising the situation far more than he is. You want a "lover". He wants some sex when it is convenient for him.

 

I'm certain he'll continue having sex with you--when convenient for him--if you let him. Whether or not that makes you "lovers" is for you to judge.

[myjot]

Yes, pursue him.

 

His time is as difficult to come by as yours.

Ask for no commitment and be prepared to take a back seat in his life.

 

Pursuing him will keep him interested and he`s likely to give you more of his time if he knows for sure you want it.

 

 

I'd be interested in why you have this opinion. What is your story? You seem so certain. And open minded.

[orangelady]

so you guys encourage cheating?

[nyrias]

I have a great deal respect for all comments, and I realize affairs are not praised by many...but the facts are these things have been happening since the beginning of time. Thus my unpopular opinion that the human race is not meant to monogomas.

So I reiterate that my hope was to hear from men who have endulged or are involved in an affair. I want to learn more about their thought process. I know you exsist...the stats proove it.

Isn't that, in part, why this forum is here?

 

I think you are right. The human race is not evolved to be monogamous. Just take a look at infidelity statistics.

 

http://www.infidelityfacts.com/infidelity-statistics.html

 

~70% of people would cheat if they are not getting caught. So for a majority of couples, the only thing stands between cheating is fear of the consequences. That says a lot about love & commitment.

 

Oh, btw, those are the people who ADMIT it. Personally i think the real numbers are much higher.

 

May be we will all be better off to admit we are (i guess some of us aren't ... but excuse me if i don't take your word as is) all selfish and potential cheaters. It is quite obvious to me, from reading a lot of posts, that cheaters do not feel guilty ... at least not all the time.

 

Probably those who are caught and having problems are on this forum. There are probably tons (men AND women) who cheat a little and never get caught. Think of it as a secret hobby.

 

There are plenty of research showing that humans like to seek variety. They get bored with the same person, same family, same routine/chores .. and go out to have a little fun. That is probably all. Many probably weren't even looking for it .. but could not resist when it comes their way.

[nyrias]

so you guys encourage cheating?

 

I don't know if these people are encouraging cheating. However, there are web services that condone and facilitate cheating. In fact, some of these businesses base their entire existence upon cheating.

 

I don't think the human race needs more encouragement.

[nyrias]

If you don't believe in monogamy why did you marry?

 

Who knows? Peer pressure? The illusion of a future happy life? May be he/she believes monogamy before, and changed his/her mind?

 

Have you made any decision in your past that you regret? That you wish to change? May be that is one of those cases.

[linwood]

I'd be interested in why you have this opinion. What is your story? You seem so certain. And open minded.

 

You asked what course you should take with your lover in order to assure his continued interest in your relationship.

 

I believe showing you are interested in him will give him part of what he`s missing in his marriage.

Make him feel "wanted".

 

Men are often disparaged for having affairs for the wrong reasons.

It`s perceived that men are merely dogs looking for tail and cannot control themselves.

This is for the most part entirely untrue, most men who have affairs do so because they are missing something in their marriage.

 

I don`t condone it, I don`t recommend it, I know there are much better ways of dealing with it but there are indeed reasons for it.

 

I have been that man so in the narrow aspect of what you asked for in your OP I say pursue him, let him know he`s wanted.

[dreamingoftigers]

You asked what course you should take with your lover in order to assure his continued interest in your relationship.

 

I believe showing you are interested in him will give him part of what he`s missing in his marriage.

Make him feel "wanted".

 

Men are often disparaged for having affairs for the wrong reasons.

It`s perceived that men are merely dogs looking for tail and cannot control themselves.

This is for the most part entirely untrue, most men who have affairs do so because they are missing something in their marriage.

 

I don`t condone it, I don`t recommend it, I know there are much better ways of dealing with it but there are indeed reasons for it.

 

I have been that man so in the narrow aspect of what you asked for in your OP I say pursue him, let him know he`s wanted.

 

OP it is incredibly foolish to burn down your house because you don't have a TV in it. Decide what is more important, having a tv or a house.

Don't go visit your friend's place every time you want to watch tv. You could go get your own and bring it home.

 

The point I am making is this: a marriage won't fill every one of your needs, it just won't. You need to decide if it is worth having the marriage or not based on it's own merits and not just try to have a marriage plus one more person to fill you up.

 

Fill yourself up and gain your confidence from that.