Lets discuss Committment Issues (CI)

[Popondetta]

Hi everyone!

 

I have been reading a lot of old threads here on LS to see if I could find some more information about committment issues-CI, but I haven't yet found a thread about this.

I've posted a few threads here about my situation before, but I want this thread to be more of an open discussion about CI. Just using my situation as an example here;

 

Short version: My story is that my (ex) boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me/wanted a break in december 2010 . Didn't know what he wanted and was very confused. We had LC and I went into NC for 6 weeks from January and told him to decide within 6 weeks, and we agreed we would catch up again in March. He still hadn't decided by then, but I forced him to make up his mind. He was still very confused and wanted me to wait for him another couple of months, but had to let go when he realized I wouldn't hang around any longer..

He was blaming it all on CI. (Did the same to his previous GF of 3 years too). We were very compatible on all levels (he even said so himself) and I didn't see the break up in december coming at all.

 

.......................

 

My questions to my great fellow Loveshackers;

 

1. Do you think people who break up because of what they call CI just plainly falls out of love and calls it CI?

 

2. Do you think people with CI can ever change if they meet the right person? Or will these people never really be content with anyone (after the initial falling in love phase is over they start questioning if they feel enough), and therefore they will always have doubts whether the person they are with are the right one?

 

3. Have any of you ever broken up with someone due to your own CI? What did it feel like? Were you extremely confused and torn?

 

4. Are CI often a result of a person being depressed/having other issues?

(I think my ex had been depressed for a while and was also smoking pot on a daily basis the last 6 months)

 

5. Any other thoughts on committment issues in general

 

......................

 

There are several reasons why I'm asking these questions. Mostly I just feel the need to understand what these people/dumpers are going through when they break up with someone. Also I would like to know if my ex is likely to do the same to his future GFs. (I know I shouldn't care but I do).

I also want to know if I for the future should avoid guys who have dumped girls before due to CI.

 

I recently talked to my ex-ex-ex-bf (we are on friendly terms and chat on skype once a year maybe). He also broke up with me due to CI and therefore it was nice to hear his point of view. He recently had a baby with his new GF and told me he was happy about that cause otherwise he would have CI for the rest of his life probably...

 

He also explained that when you experience CI you are so confused that you don't even know yourself what you want and what you don't want, and that is the reason why you as a person with CI cannot explain to the person you dumped why you dumped them (unless there's cheating, abuse, fighting etc involved )

 

Thanks for reading.

Looking forward to your replies and thoughts about this issue

 

Just started reading "He's scared, she's scared". Very interesting book about CI!

Edited April 21, 2011 by Popondetta

[tragicromantic1]

Hi there,

 

I have serious CI so it's not just a guy thing. I've broken up with men millions of time and i could swear i loved them all to death and the most recent relationship i was in was getting so serious that i ended up breaking up with this man so many times that in the course of the entire year since we met i've only actually been with him for maybe 6 months on and off. CI are real issues and they have nothing to do with my partner but everything to do with me, my past experiences, my upbringing, and some trauma's i've suffered. I'm a typical girl, an absolute romantic that enjoys loving and being loved. i dream about the typical things other women dream about like getting married and living happily ever after but as much as I want all that my CI always seem to get in the way of it. My ex b/fs think i'm heartless, cold and just don't care but to be honest i'm dying inside...i'm so conflicted and confused. there is nothing worse than knowing what you want and not being able to have it...I think using the term CI lessens the problem, commitment phobia is more accurate because it is a phobia. it takes a lot of patience and therapy/counseling to get over them. I've hurt a lot of people because of my CP but most of all i am in constant pain and heartbreak because i was still in love with every man i broke up.

i am getting treatment for my phobia but it's been 4 year now, it works, i'm much better than i was four year ago and even last year but i still have a long way to go. Again remember that CP has nothing to do with you but everything to do with him. If your ex/bf has as much deep seeded issues as i do then i feel for him and i hope that my female perspective can help you understand him more and not feel like he was being vindictive toward you when he broke up with you. but as much as i sympathize with ur b/f i am going to pretend that you are my sister and say stay away from guys with CI. It just takes too much out of you in every way to support a person like. Its like being with a person with an addiction, unless they really want to change you are waisting your time and even if they really want to change they may relapse a few too many times and are you willing to still around through all of that? think about it.

[stephmichelle]

Im going through almost the exact same thing My ex and I were together 3 years and then decided he didn't know what he wanted anymore and doesn't want to be in a relationship, we broke up 2 months ago. His last gf before me, they were together 2 years and she started talking about marriage which freaked him out and she wound up leaving him. I wish I knew the answers to this. I feel like he just wasted my time...it really hurts

[Ajax]

Good thread and good posts. I thought about starting a thread like this myself, but never took the initiative.

 

My ex girlfriend broke up with me seemingly out of the blue and at the height of our relationship last summer. It crushed me. As I tried to find reasons for her sudden departure, it became more and more clear that she had some serious commitment anxiety.

 

recently I read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. It's about Commitment-phobic relationships, and painted a eerily accurate picture of my ex.

 

As Tragicromantic1 said, it is a very real condition. Essentially those who experience CP have extreme anxiety within relationships. As I understand it, they quite literally freak out and sabotage their relationships. And the most ironic thing is that the better the relationship, the more likely they are to do it.

 

It comes down to pure and simple fear. Fear of lost options. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of losing freedom, or even fear of being left first.

 

In my case, looking back, I can now see the red flags clear as day. She even told me that the close she gets to someone the more she freaks out. I chose to let it be, thinking things would be different for us. It wasn't.

 

There's no shame in having been hurt by someone with these fears, just learn from it and try your best to avoid them in the future.

[Kilty]

I have CI issues and my post telling my situation is below.

Basically comes from two things - gettin dumped from a previous relationship shortly after my mum died and at the moment i also care for an elderly parent.

 

Have wasted a couple of short term relationships but my most recent one was of two years and its something i dont think i'll ever get over.

 

She didnt deserve it and i must have hurt her desperately for her to be doing what she is doing now.

 

In fact it was even ridiculous of me attempting to get her back.

 

Somebody once said "Whats the worst thing that could happen - It doesnt work out" ?

 

But i guess to have CI issues there must be something that makes us unhappy. Whether it's intimacy issues and the fear of being hurt, or the idea of spending your life with the same girl.

 

Probably immaturity has got a lot to do with it as well.

 

Personally id rather be on my own than with someone for the sake of it - i dont know if thats just an excuse to ease my conscience - but i know one thing - after blowing the last relationship i had it's certainly woken me up and made me realise what a fool i have been

[PinkChic]

OHHHH HOW I KNOW WHAT YOUR FEELING!!!!!!... please please please read my post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t274008/

 

I am currently going through tremendous pain after falling in love with a committment phobe... I, too saw all the signs from the very begining... we went away for the weekend.. had the best time of all... that wednesday he looked me in the eyes and said he has never been happier, two days later, he texted me "good morning, darling, i love you", that evening BAM "We are over for good"... no reason, no explanation, no anything.

 

I knew from the begining he was very emotionless and no feelings and told me right out he "has problems"...i of course ignored that and continued falling in love with him...but he was bringing out feelings with me no one knew he had... of course i coudln't accept no reason at all for our break up... i thought this guy was the one!.. i thought i FINALLY met my sould mate.

 

I read "Men Who Can't Love" by the same other of "He's Scared, she's scared"... i cried litterally through the entire book because it described my ex to a T!... They wrote it specifically to woman dealing with men in this situation... it is VERY important to know that it has NOTHING to do with you... it's like they have a fire alarm in their body and at any second... day or night... it could go off... and just like when a real fire alarm goes off... they go running... I truly truly TRULY could not not or would not have done anything different in my relationship... i loved him with all my heart, treated him with respect, love and careness... with a CP there is NOTHING you could do differently...

 

I honestly don't believe you can change a CP unless THEY want to change... they have to recognize their problem and WANT to change it... i love this man so much that after reading this book I wanted so bad to crawl and beg to him to let me help him see his problems... that's not my job, or yours... THEY have to do it on their own...

 

To the first poster... I truly commend you for seeking help... to be the person on the other side.. who fell inlove with a CP is one of the most painful experiences. I have had some really rough break ups in my day but this one, this one surely topped them all on the pain scale.

 

I beg you to read that book!... you will never EVER look at your ex the same again... and it really does bring closure to those of us who have no answers as to why a seemingly perfect relationship is over...

 

So sorry for my rant but this is just such a passionate topic for me...

 

Can't wait to hear others percpectives...

[Popondetta]

Thanks for the VERY interesting replies everybody! I will post more later as I am on holidays right now. It makes me somewhat calmer to know that CI is such a serious issue and although I know the breakup didn't have anything to do with me, it's still so sad that I can not be with the person that I love because of his issues.

 

Please continue discussing CI/CP. -I will be back to comment on yout posts in a few days. Happy easter everyone!

[Popondetta]

Hi there,

 

I have serious CI so it's not just a guy thing. I've broken up with men millions of time and i could swear i loved them all to death and the most recent relationship i was in was getting so serious that i ended up breaking up with this man so many times that in the course of the entire year since we met i've only actually been with him for maybe 6 months on and off. CI are real issues and they have nothing to do with my partner but everything to do with me, my past experiences, my upbringing, and some trauma's i've suffered. I'm a typical girl, an absolute romantic that enjoys loving and being loved. i dream about the typical things other women dream about like getting married and living happily ever after but as much as I want all that my CI always seem to get in the way of it. My ex b/fs think i'm heartless, cold and just don't care but to be honest i'm dying inside...i'm so conflicted and confused. there is nothing worse than knowing what you want and not being able to have it...I think using the term CI lessens the problem, commitment phobia is more accurate because it is a phobia. it takes a lot of patience and therapy/counseling to get over them. I've hurt a lot of people because of my CP but most of all i am in constant pain and heartbreak because i was still in love with every man i broke up.

i am getting treatment for my phobia but it's been 4 year now, it works, i'm much better than i was four year ago and even last year but i still have a long way to go. Again remember that CP has nothing to do with you but everything to do with him. If your ex/bf has as much deep seeded issues as i do then i feel for him and i hope that my female perspective can help you understand him more and not feel like he was being vindictive toward you when he broke up with you. but as much as i sympathize with ur b/f i am going to pretend that you are my sister and say stay away from guys with CI. It just takes too much out of you in every way to support a person like. Its like being with a person with an addiction, unless they really want to change you are waisting your time and even if they really want to change they may relapse a few too many times and are you willing to still around through all of that? think about it.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on this issue, and for sharing your story.

It sounds very hard to be a person with serious CI/CP. I guess I still have problems understanding how someone can break up with someone they are in love with...

As for my situation it could be that he just fell out of love with me, but I just found it so strange that he couldn't make the decision to break up with me. I know it's hard to break up with someone and hurt them, but still... He just seemed so torn and confused, and even said so himself. He called it commitment issues, but I don't think he's ever read about it, so I'm not sure if I can put this "diagnosis" on him. How do you know for sure that the breakup was because of CI?

(I guess since my ex did this once before that could be a clear sign, as well as being indecisive in most areas in life, not able to plan vacations, destructive smoking pot during the last 6 months of the relationship, a breakup without clear warning signals (he was hugging and holding my hand like always before anything came up)....etc--

Do you think he's got CI/CP?

It would just help me a lot to know that.

 

I guess I still feel like he loved me when he broke up and was trying to find "faults" with the relationship that wasn't there... or maybe I just don't want to realize that he fell out of love.

 

Do you think he will ruin the next relationship as well? (I hope so...ugh)

[Popondetta]

Im going through almost the exact same thing My ex and I were together 3 years and then decided he didn't know what he wanted anymore and doesn't want to be in a relationship, we broke up 2 months ago. His last gf before me, they were together 2 years and she started talking about marriage which freaked him out and she wound up leaving him. I wish I knew the answers to this. I feel like he just wasted my time...it really hurts

 

Please hang in there like I am trying to. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about this. Are you in NC with this guy? Has he said himself that he has commitment issues or did he just disappear? Did he say anything else as to why he broke up with you? Did you get a warning, like him saying; "things are not going so well now, maybe we shoudl try to do more fun stuff" (or something like that), or did he just decide and then never wanted to work on the RS?

 

I'm still hoping my ex will realize what a fool he's been for throwing away a good relationship. We were soooo compatible!

[Popondetta]

Good thread and good posts. I thought about starting a thread like this myself, but never took the initiative.

 

My ex girlfriend broke up with me seemingly out of the blue and at the height of our relationship last summer. It crushed me. As I tried to find reasons for her sudden departure, it became more and more clear that she had some serious commitment anxiety.

 

recently I read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. It's about Commitment-phobic relationships, and painted a eerily accurate picture of my ex.

 

As Tragicromantic1 said, it is a very real condition. Essentially those who experience CP have extreme anxiety within relationships. As I understand it, they quite literally freak out and sabotage their relationships. And the most ironic thing is that the better the relationship, the more likely they are to do it.

 

It comes down to pure and simple fear. Fear of lost options. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of losing freedom, or even fear of being left first.

 

In my case, looking back, I can now see the red flags clear as day. She even told me that the close she gets to someone the more she freaks out. I chose to let it be, thinking things would be different for us. It wasn't.

 

There's no shame in having been hurt by someone with these fears, just learn from it and try your best to avoid them in the future.

 

I'm reading this book now as well and wondering if I'm a passive avoider in the CI-relationship. I definitely recognise some things about myself as well as him (like I would be dreaming about the future, only focusing on the positive aspects of him and the RS, thinking that someday we would move in together and then everythinkg would be perfect, still pining over him and not being able to focus on his smoking and destructive behaviour towards the end.)

 

Like I've written above I'm not sure if my ex has CI/CP, but I seriously feel like he does.

I think a lot of his decision (or indecision-lol) had to do with a fear of making the wrong decision, fear of missing out on the possibility of finding a better person and a better future with someone else, fear of me not being the one for him, fear of feeling stuck, fear of loving deeply. He even said that we would be great together if he chose to go forward with the RS, but that he worried that the same thoughts would come back to haunt him later.

 

How are you coping now with the breakup? Have you had any contact with her or have you been on stickt NC?

Do you think there is ever a chance that a person with CI would second-guess their decision and come back?

 

I'm hurting so much and I just want to talk to him about this......

[Popondetta]

Good thread and good posts. I thought about starting a thread like this myself, but never took the initiative.

 

My ex girlfriend broke up with me seemingly out of the blue and at the height of our relationship last summer. It crushed me. As I tried to find reasons for her sudden departure, it became more and more clear that she had some serious commitment anxiety.

 

recently I read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. It's about Commitment-phobic relationships, and painted a eerily accurate picture of my ex.

 

As Tragicromantic1 said, it is a very real condition. Essentially those who experience CP have extreme anxiety within relationships. As I understand it, they quite literally freak out and sabotage their relationships. And the most ironic thing is that the better the relationship, the more likely they are to do it.

 

It comes down to pure and simple fear. Fear of lost options. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of losing freedom, or even fear of being left first.

 

In my case, looking back, I can now see the red flags clear as day. She even told me that the close she gets to someone the more she freaks out. I chose to let it be, thinking things would be different for us. It wasn't.

 

There's no shame in having been hurt by someone with these fears, just learn from it and try your best to avoid them in the future.

 

I'm reading this book now as well and wondering if I'm a passive avoider in the CI-relationship. I definitely recognise some things about myself as well as him (like I would be dreaming about the future, only focusing on the positive aspects of him and the RS, thinking that someday we would move in together and then everythinkg would be perfect, still pining over him and not being able to focus on his smoking and destructive behaviour towards the end.)

 

Like I've written above I'm not sure if my ex has CI/CP, but I seriously feel like he does.

I think a lot of his decision (or indecision-lol) had to do with a fear of making the wrong decision, fear of missing out on the possibility of finding a better person and a better future with someone else, fear of me not being the one for him, fear of feeling stuck, fear of loving deeply. He even said that we would be great together if he chose to go forward with the RS, but that he worried that the same thoughts would come back to haunt him later.

 

How are you coping now with the breakup? Have you had any contact with her or have you been on stickt NC?

Do you think there is ever a chance that a person with CI would second-guess their decision and come back?

 

I'm hurting so much and I just want to talk to him about this, but I know I can't......

[Popondetta]

I have CI issues and my post telling my situation is below.

Basically comes from two things - gettin dumped from a previous relationship shortly after my mum died and at the moment i also care for an elderly parent.

 

Have wasted a couple of short term relationships but my most recent one was of two years and its something i dont think i'll ever get over.

 

She didnt deserve it and i must have hurt her desperately for her to be doing what she is doing now.

 

In fact it was even ridiculous of me attempting to get her back.

 

Somebody once said "Whats the worst thing that could happen - It doesnt work out" ?

 

But i guess to have CI issues there must be something that makes us unhappy. Whether it's intimacy issues and the fear of being hurt, or the idea of spending your life with the same girl.

 

Probably immaturity has got a lot to do with it as well.

 

Personally id rather be on my own than with someone for the sake of it - i dont know if thats just an excuse to ease my conscience - but i know one thing - after blowing the last relationship i had it's certainly woken me up and made me realise what a fool i have been

 

Thanks for your post!! How long did it take before you realized that you had CI after you dumped this last person?

And how long after the breakup did you realize that you regretted it? Were you honest about why you broke up with her or did you blame it on falling out of love? Did you try to convince yourself that you hade made the right decision after you dumped her?

What was the most prominent feeling you hade when you decided to break up (fear of being stuck, claustrophobia, not knowing if she was good enough, or something else?)

 

Sorry about all the questions. I'm sorry you didn't get her back!!!

 

Yeah, I think in order to have CI something must be making you unhappy in the RS. For my ex I think maybe he has a tendency towards depression and thinking to much in a negative way, and giving up on things very easily. I thing a lot has to do with emotional immaturity in his case and maybe a fear of growing up and committing to things in general. I also think he had some intimacy issues.

[Popondetta]

OHHHH HOW I KNOW WHAT YOUR FEELING!!!!!!... please please please read my post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t274008/

 

I am currently going through tremendous pain after falling in love with a committment phobe... I, too saw all the signs from the very begining... we went away for the weekend.. had the best time of all... that wednesday he looked me in the eyes and said he has never been happier, two days later, he texted me "good morning, darling, i love you", that evening BAM "We are over for good"... no reason, no explanation, no anything.

 

I knew from the begining he was very emotionless and no feelings and told me right out he "has problems"...i of course ignored that and continued falling in love with him...but he was bringing out feelings with me no one knew he had... of course i coudln't accept no reason at all for our break up... i thought this guy was the one!.. i thought i FINALLY met my sould mate.

 

I read "Men Who Can't Love" by the same other of "He's Scared, she's scared"... i cried litterally through the entire book because it described my ex to a T!... They wrote it specifically to woman dealing with men in this situation... it is VERY important to know that it has NOTHING to do with you... it's like they have a fire alarm in their body and at any second... day or night... it could go off... and just like when a real fire alarm goes off... they go running... I truly truly TRULY could not not or would not have done anything different in my relationship... i loved him with all my heart, treated him with respect, love and careness... with a CP there is NOTHING you could do differently...

 

I honestly don't believe you can change a CP unless THEY want to change... they have to recognize their problem and WANT to change it... i love this man so much that after reading this book I wanted so bad to crawl and beg to him to let me help him see his problems... that's not my job, or yours... THEY have to do it on their own...

 

To the first poster... I truly commend you for seeking help... to be the person on the other side.. who fell inlove with a CP is one of the most painful experiences. I have had some really rough break ups in my day but this one, this one surely topped them all on the pain scale.

 

I beg you to read that book!... you will never EVER look at your ex the same again... and it really does bring closure to those of us who have no answers as to why a seemingly perfect relationship is over...

 

So sorry for my rant but this is just such a passionate topic for me...

 

Can't wait to hear others percpectives...

 

 

Thanks a lot for your post. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through the same horrible things!!! How are you coping? Are you in NC?

 

My ex too has said that he has problems with feelings (but I just overlooked it since he also told me he was in love with me all the time when we were together. I guess I just saw him as a very relaxed person and didn't realize that he had a serious fault with regards to emotions in general) He could be a bit uptight and was easily offended by people. I guess I thought I could fix him....

 

I also thought I had met my soulmate... Oh, it sucks so badly when they are destructive and break up from a good relationship, and I still blame myself for not being a good enough GF. I should have been more exciting, sexy, cute, clever, positive, outgoing etc. I hate myself for being in this situation.

 

So you honestly think that they cannot change unless they seek therapy? Does that mean our ex's will do the same thing in their next realtionships??

 

Hope you reply or feel free to PM me if you want to.

 

I'm still so heartbroken even if it's 5 months since this sh't started and 2 months since I told him to make up his mind and broke up with me.

 

Do they ever come back???

[PinkChic]

Thanks a lot for your post. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through the same horrible things!!! How are you coping? Are you in NC?

 

My ex too has said that he has problems with feelings (but I just overlooked it since he also told me he was in love with me all the time when we were together. I guess I just saw him as a very relaxed person and didn't realize that he had a serious fault with regards to emotions in general) He could be a bit uptight and was easily offended by people. I guess I thought I could fix him....

 

I also thought I had met my soulmate... Oh, it sucks so badly when they are destructive and break up from a good relationship, and I still blame myself for not being a good enough GF. I should have been more exciting, sexy, cute, clever, positive, outgoing etc. I hate myself for being in this situation.

 

So you honestly think that they cannot change unless they seek therapy? Does that mean our ex's will do the same thing in their next realtionships??

 

Hope you reply or feel free to PM me if you want to.

 

I'm still so heartbroken even if it's 5 months since this sh't started and 2 months since I told him to make up his mind and broke up with me.

 

Do they ever come back???

 

Actually.... my ex and I spoke on the phone the other day for 2 1/2 hours... we have stuff that needs to be split and what not.. but it of course got on topic of the relationship and at first he gets very defensive... I have ALWAY ALWAYS ALWAYS treated him with respect... him and I NEVER argued... so it's weird for us NOW to argue and learn about HOW each other reacts...

 

Well... of course I NEEDED closure.. ever since we broke up (April 9th) he has been nothing but pure cruel.. telling me how he "just didn't feel it".. even though we had sex 3 days prior and he told me he has never been happier!... his words have been nothing but mean...well, when we talked I got very upset and said things like "there is just as much as a problem with me as there is with you for falling for a guy with your issues" and some other stuff and I think that really bothered him...

 

Eventually, after him and I got our sarcastic comments out of the way we spent a good hour talking and I know he feels tremendously guilty and he even made comments about how he didn't regret everything completely but he did regret how he handled it and for walking away without trying...(we had NEVER had any issues.. I litterally just got the boot one day out of nowhere)... he is also VERY well aware that he has serious problems... I read the book "men who can't love" and he is also in the process of reading that book..

 

Also, for me... i was his very first serious relationship (at 26) in fact, I would not be surprised if he lost his virginity to me... and I truly think maybe he does need to date other girls to see how good he had it.. I have been thru tons of failed relationships so i know.. he just doesn't..

 

I am the only person he can open up to ... and he wants to meet every Tuesday to "talk"... I think he thinks I can help him.. when I most certainly CAN NOT. I'm not sure how long that will last.. but.. we shall see..

 

It's amazing.. I have NEVER been in a relationship with someone who had this illness.. and it really is an illness... In the book I read it says "once you recognize a CP, run for the hills"... I wish I had that advice before I fell in love withe one

[Popondetta]

Actually.... my ex and I spoke on the phone the other day for 2 1/2 hours... we have stuff that needs to be split and what not.. but it of course got on topic of the relationship and at first he gets very defensive... I have ALWAY ALWAYS ALWAYS treated him with respect... him and I NEVER argued... so it's weird for us NOW to argue and learn about HOW each other reacts...

 

Well... of course I NEEDED closure.. ever since we broke up (April 9th) he has been nothing but pure cruel.. telling me how he "just didn't feel it".. even though we had sex 3 days prior and he told me he has never been happier!... his words have been nothing but mean...well, when we talked I got very upset and said things like "there is just as much as a problem with me as there is with you for falling for a guy with your issues" and some other stuff and I think that really bothered him...

 

Eventually, after him and I got our sarcastic comments out of the way we spent a good hour talking and I know he feels tremendously guilty and he even made comments about how he didn't regret everything completely but he did regret how he handled it and for walking away without trying...(we had NEVER had any issues.. I litterally just got the boot one day out of nowhere)... he is also VERY well aware that he has serious problems... I read the book "men who can't love" and he is also in the process of reading that book..

 

Also, for me... i was his very first serious relationship (at 26) in fact, I would not be surprised if he lost his virginity to me... and I truly think maybe he does need to date other girls to see how good he had it.. I have been thru tons of failed relationships so i know.. he just doesn't..

 

I am the only person he can open up to ... and he wants to meet every Tuesday to "talk"... I think he thinks I can help him.. when I most certainly CAN NOT. I'm not sure how long that will last.. but.. we shall see..

 

It's amazing.. I have NEVER been in a relationship with someone who had this illness.. and it really is an illness... In the book I read it says "once you recognize a CP, run for the hills"... I wish I had that advice before I fell in love withe one

 

So what yoy're saying is; once a CP always a CP? They can't change?

 

I guess I think you are lucky that it's so fresh (I know that sounds weird), and that you talk to him still. I just feel like my ex is slipping away and that there's nothing I can do.

You guys are also so young and you have lots of time to figure out your lives. I'm 34 and I'm freaking out thinking that I'll never meet someone or fall in love again. It seriously suck.

 

You are so lucky if you manage to get some closure from him! I HATE not having proper closure (my ex wanted me to wait for him another couple of months but that was impossible for me to accept)

 

So are you going to meet him on a regular basis? Doesn't that hurt a lot to stay in contact?

 

I sent my ex an email a month ago and he replied. We were both just friendly and "superficial". I just want to pour out my heart to him, tell him I love him and give him that damn book "he's scared, she's scared".

 

Have you read both of those books? I've read that one, but wondering if I should buy the other one "men who can't commit" too (if that's what it's called). Or if it just makes me more obsessed about him.

[Ajax]

I'm reading this book now as well and wondering if I'm a passive avoider in the CI-relationship. I definitely recognise some things about myself as well as him (like I would be dreaming about the future, only focusing on the positive aspects of him and the RS, thinking that someday we would move in together and then everythinkg would be perfect, still pining over him and not being able to focus on his smoking and destructive behaviour towards the end.)

 

Like I've written above I'm not sure if my ex has CI/CP, but I seriously feel like he does.

I think a lot of his decision (or indecision-lol) had to do with a fear of making the wrong decision, fear of missing out on the possibility of finding a better person and a better future with someone else, fear of me not being the one for him, fear of feeling stuck, fear of loving deeply. He even said that we would be great together if he chose to go forward with the RS, but that he worried that the same thoughts would come back to haunt him later.

 

How are you coping now with the breakup? Have you had any contact with her or have you been on stickt NC?

Do you think there is ever a chance that a person with CI would second-guess their decision and come back?

 

I'm hurting so much and I just want to talk to him about this......

 

It's a good read. It opened my eyes up a lot.

 

No, I went NC two weeks after she dumped me out of the blue. I told her that if and when she wanted to talk I'd be there, but that I wouldn't bother her. Havn't heard from her in eight months, and I kept my word and havn't tried to reach out to her either.

 

In her case, I'm about 90% certain she's committment phobic based on her actions and things she said in the course of our relationship together. There was definitely a push/pull dynamic with her. She' put up emotional barriers and then come back and appologize for pushing me away.She was extremely passionate one day and then cold the next. The week before dumping me she actually told me how much she loved me and wanted a future with me. I think that's really when she paniced though.

 

As for second guessing, I think they do. Committing to not being together is just as scary as committing to being together. But I don't think it's healthy or worthwhile to try to get inside their heads like that. I tried for months to understand how she saw things and how she felt. It didn't change anything. It's not as if I'd ever be able to trust her again.

 

And yes, I think they will continue to sabotage their relationships. And I would avoid contacting him and pouring your heart out. One thing that the book says is that a big reason why they can just walk away is a firm belief that they can come back whenever they want. Don't play into that.

[justagirrl]

I think CI can be related to past depression or having other issues. The guy I'm dating now won't commit to an exclusive relationship right now...

 

He used to be overweight, and now, only a year later, he's literally, RIPPED. like, no body fat what-so-ever...and he's really good looking, and is getting a lot more attention than i'm sure he ever has before...so I think that could have something to do with it because he really doesn't know what he's doing or getting himself into

[dunnowhat86]

Hi!

 

Gosh okay I can't believe i am back here...... I am an execellent example of why

a) never go back to your ex

b) CP ALWAYS change their minds and go back and then leave AGAIN

 

Basically me and my boyfriend have been together for 3.5 years.....After the first year we had been together we broke up...he did not know what he wanted.... but he said he loved him...

 

I go into NC for about 2 weeks. He slowly started sending me texts asking how i have been etc etc. i never replied. then he started calling. i ignored it. before i knew it he was asking for a second chance. silly as i was i felll for it and thought gosh okay he had made a mistake.

 

6 months after around christmas time, he becomes distant and starts pushing me away. I get tired of this circle and demands an explanation which he then replies that he doesnt know what he feels, he loves me but cant give me what i need and that i deserve something better.

 

I go into NC again for 2weeks. Same thing happens, he stars calling me and texting me after 2 weeks, saying he is messed up etc etc etc. i love him very much and want to believe him. This is the time I joined loveshack and shared my experience and so on.

Eventually we get back together

 

Everything has been well for 1.5 years. In fact, he wanted to move in with me only 5 months ago and saying things how in love he is with me etc etc. So what happens 2 months ago? He starts pulling away, saying stuff like how much he wants to travel how he is stuck in the city he is at. Im trying to be supportive because he admits he feels depressed.

 

By now I am moving to another city in august and our initial plan(because we had been planning on moving in together by august) had been for him to look for jobs. he hasnt been very succesful and that has put him down too i guess...so he is looking for jobs anywhere in the country.

 

However then he starts saying how he is not sure of what he wants anymore, he wants to move abroad at some point next year, that we would not work long distance at all, that he cant be committed to me long distance etc. i thought after 3.5 years together, surely one year being 2.5hours away from each is fine????? and i asked him if i could go with him abroad and he wasnt sure......what??!???!!

 

Anyways, i said why cant we make the best of what we have now and then see what happens in the summer? he agrees but still has been pulling away, stopped being intimate with me and in the end I HAD IT, because it made me feel so little of a woman. made me feel like something he can chew and the spit.

 

Broke up just a few days ago. NC for 5 days. I have blocked him from everything, turned my phone off. this time i cant let him do this to me again. i am so angry and shocked how he can do this to me AGAAAIIIIN specially now that i have my final exams in 2 weeks time....

 

My conclusion. He is a commitment phone. everytime its great he runs away.

 

SO take it from me....DONT GO BACK TO YOUR CP EX. most likely he will do it again, again and again.

 

At the moment i am hurt, cant concentrate and i feel used....

[Popondetta]

It's a good read. It opened my eyes up a lot.

 

No, I went NC two weeks after she dumped me out of the blue. I told her that if and when she wanted to talk I'd be there, but that I wouldn't bother her. Havn't heard from her in eight months, and I kept my word and havn't tried to reach out to her either.

 

In her case, I'm about 90% certain she's committment phobic based on her actions and things she said in the course of our relationship together. There was definitely a push/pull dynamic with her. She' put up emotional barriers and then come back and appologize for pushing me away.She was extremely passionate one day and then cold the next. The week before dumping me she actually told me how much she loved me and wanted a future with me. I think that's really when she paniced though.

 

As for second guessing, I think they do. Committing to not being together is just as scary as committing to being together. But I don't think it's healthy or worthwhile to try to get inside their heads like that. I tried for months to understand how she saw things and how she felt. It didn't change anything. It's not as if I'd ever be able to trust her again.

 

And yes, I think they will continue to sabotage their relationships. And I would avoid contacting him and pouring your heart out. One thing that the book says is that a big reason why they can just walk away is a firm belief that they can come back whenever they want. Don't play into that.

 

Thanks for your post Ajax!

It sounds like you have been very strong with regards to the breakup.

Do you find it strange that she hasn't tried contacting you at all or was it a messy breakup?

 

I've also tried to be strong and to not initiate contact. However I did send him an email a month ago, but it was just a friendly short email and I didn't write anything about my feelings etc.(He replied with a similar mail)

 

I agree with everything you're writing in your post.

I do think they walk away because they think they can come back. That is actually why my ex couldn't break up with me. He was worried that he might regret it. He wanted an easy way back in case he regretted it...and that's why he kept me hanging until I foreced him to make up his mind...What a coward!!!

 

I will try to not contact him (at least avoiding pouring my heart out because I realize that will only make matters worse and make him more claustrophobic if anything).

 

I can't stop hoping that he'll regret his descision though.. I just can't stop hoping that we'll be together again and it's stopping my healing .

[Popondetta]

I think CI can be related to past depression or having other issues. The guy I'm dating now won't commit to an exclusive relationship right now...

 

He used to be overweight, and now, only a year later, he's literally, RIPPED. like, no body fat what-so-ever...and he's really good looking, and is getting a lot more attention than i'm sure he ever has before...so I think that could have something to do with it because he really doesn't know what he's doing or getting himself into

 

I agree with you. I also think that having CI is related to other issues (either from previous relationship, childhood or something else that has made them fear commitment).

My ex has been suffering from depression too (never been diagnosed but just feeling low alot of the time and smoking pot every day the last 6 months of the relationship). It's just really sad and destructive!!

[Kilty]

Thanks for your post!! How long did it take before you realized that you had CI after you dumped this last person?

And how long after the breakup did you realize that you regretted it? Were you honest about why you broke up with her or did you blame it on falling out of love? Did you try to convince yourself that you hade made the right decision after you dumped her?

What was the most prominent feeling you hade when you decided to break up (fear of being stuck, claustrophobia, not knowing if she was good enough, or something else?)

 

Sorry about all the questions. I'm sorry you didn't get her back!!!

 

Yeah, I think in order to have CI something must be making you unhappy in the RS. For my ex I think maybe he has a tendency towards depression and thinking to much in a negative way, and giving up on things very easily. I thing a lot has to do with emotional immaturity in his case and maybe a fear of growing up and committing to things in general. I also think he had some intimacy issues.

 

I am maybe being a bit unfair on myself.

The Relationship was on a downward spiral from fairly early on in the two years we were together.

She had a fairly busy weekly routine in that Monday/Tuesday & Thursdays after work she went to keep fit classes at night. On Wednesdays she went to her Mums and on Friday evenings she went shopping with her Mum.

On Saturday afternoons she went to the shops with her friend and on Sundays she went to her Mums for dinner.

 

This left only a small window of opportunity to be together and to get to know each other on a Saturday night.

 

At the beginning i wanted to take things slowly so id be a liar if i said i was unhappy with this arrangement.

 

But the longer we were together i started to resent this but never said anything - by that time we were stuck in a rut.

 

She never said anything either and appeared to be happy with this arrangement but on looking back if i am honest she probably felt the exact same as me.

 

So my CI probably gathered around both of us never confronting each other.

 

After 2 years together it was time to have that talk but the negative thoughts that had built up made me walk away without trying.

 

When she attempted to reconcile the following day i told her that i would only make her unhappy.

 

She accepted this without question, discussion, fight, anger or wonder.

 

I knew within a couple of days what i had done and it was as if something had been ripped out of me. I guess i stubornly hoped she would at least put up a bit of fight for us - but she never.

 

2 weeks later i was going to approach her but was told she was seeing someone else AND that the guy had been making advances to her while we were together - although in her defence she rebuffed him.

 

So if i had a lot of negative feelings towards how she felt about me you can imagine how this reinforced them.

 

Sometimes it felt as if i could have just have been anybody and didnt mean that much to her and when i found out this guys past and then seen him in the cold light of day - well you can imagine.

 

But in the whole 2 years together when we did manage to have quality time we got on great.

There was never a bad word between us, we never argued or fought and there was no betrayal.

 

So my CI were brought about by the relationship and not something inherent.

And there was no way i was contacting her after she went with the new man so i left it for a couple of months hoping it was rebound.

 

When i did contact her she wasnt interested - she went on holiday with him and got engaged and they are getting married in August.

 

I bitterly regret those 2 weeks where i said nothing and it's something that will haunt me forever.

[Ajax]

Thanks for your post Ajax!

It sounds like you have been very strong with regards to the breakup.

Do you find it strange that she hasn't tried contacting you at all or was it a messy breakup?

 

 

I'm not sure I'd consider myself to have been strong after the breakup. In all honesty, I cried over her for weeks, and before she left I probably hadn't really cried in 8-10 years, since my grandmother passed away. So the breakup really shook me hard.

 

I don't consider is messy in the typical sense, but it was still bad. I think my biggest issue was the suddeness of it all. She had built up my expectations so high, and then seemingly out of nowhere dropped me like a rock.

 

In retrospect and after reading "He's Scared, She's Scared," there were definitely signs that things were not as they should have been. Like I said before, she'd do the whole push/pull thing. She also told me towards the begining of the relationship that she never wanted to lose herself in a relationship. At the time that seemed reasonable, but looking back it definitely sounds commitment-phobic. Healthy people "lose" themselves in healthy relationships. It's the nature of love.

 

I also came to find out after the fact that I was one of many men she'd persued and thrown away at the height of the relationship. It's a pattern, and she probably knew that the promises she'd been making to me all along were ones that she'd never be able to keep.

 

 

I can't stop hoping that he'll regret his descision though.. I just can't stop hoping that we'll be together again and it's stopping my healing .

 

That's a normal feeling, and one that I had for a long time. But I think that really you're looking for validation. I think that you want him to acknowledge to himself and you that you're "good enough" for him. The fact of the matter, when it comes to commitment-phobia, there's no way you can ever be "good enough" for them to stay. It's not about your worthiness, it's about their fear of being trapped, losing options, and losing their independence. You could possibly postpone the breakup by giving them more space, but it's only delaying the inevitable. And if you gave them that space you'd be denying yourself the intimacy and security you seek in a relationship. Would you really be happy in a relationship where your needs aren't being met?

 

You're doing really well Popondetta. Do your best not to contact him, and when you feel yourself slipping post on here.

[Popondetta]

I am maybe being a bit unfair on myself.

The Relationship was on a downward spiral from fairly early on in the two years we were together.

She had a fairly busy weekly routine in that Monday/Tuesday & Thursdays after work she went to keep fit classes at night. On Wednesdays she went to her Mums and on Friday evenings she went shopping with her Mum.

On Saturday afternoons she went to the shops with her friend and on Sundays she went to her Mums for dinner.

 

This left only a small window of opportunity to be together and to get to know each other on a Saturday night.

 

At the beginning i wanted to take things slowly so id be a liar if i said i was unhappy with this arrangement.

 

But the longer we were together i started to resent this but never said anything - by that time we were stuck in a rut.

 

She never said anything either and appeared to be happy with this arrangement but on looking back if i am honest she probably felt the exact same as me.

 

So my CI probably gathered around both of us never confronting each other.

 

After 2 years together it was time to have that talk but the negative thoughts that had built up made me walk away without trying.

 

When she attempted to reconcile the following day i told her that i would only make her unhappy.

 

She accepted this without question, discussion, fight, anger or wonder.

 

I knew within a couple of days what i had done and it was as if something had been ripped out of me. I guess i stubornly hoped she would at least put up a bit of fight for us - but she never.

 

2 weeks later i was going to approach her but was told she was seeing someone else AND that the guy had been making advances to her while we were together - although in her defence she rebuffed him.

 

So if i had a lot of negative feelings towards how she felt about me you can imagine how this reinforced them.

 

Sometimes it felt as if i could have just have been anybody and didnt mean that much to her and when i found out this guys past and then seen him in the cold light of day - well you can imagine.

 

But in the whole 2 years together when we did manage to have quality time we got on great.

There was never a bad word between us, we never argued or fought and there was no betrayal.

 

So my CI were brought about by the relationship and not something inherent.

And there was no way i was contacting her after she went with the new man so i left it for a couple of months hoping it was rebound.

 

When i did contact her she wasnt interested - she went on holiday with him and got engaged and they are getting married in August.

 

I bitterly regret those 2 weeks where i said nothing and it's something that will haunt me forever.

 

Thanks for giving abit of background to you situation.

It reminds me a bit of my relationship with my ex. We had litle quality time due to different work-schedules etc. We never had any fights etc.

But we also never spoke about the more important stuff (like where is this relationship going, are we going to move in together etc), and I really, really regret not talking about these things. (I was always thinking; We'll talk about it when we both have fulltime jobs, more money, etc)

 

I've also thought about the fact that maybe I accepted the breakup to easily. Well I didn't on the inside, but I just didn't want to be the crying,begging, weak girl... I tried to just be as calm and collected as possible. I made it clear that I didn't want the breakup, but maybe he thought I didn't show it with my emotions.

 

He also told me that he felt that I was tired of him (I told him I wasn't tired of HIM, but that I was tired of some of the things in the RS- Like him always being late for appointment and never wanting to hang out with my friends)

 

Anyway, I find this Commitment Issue thing very confusing...It's like they love you but not enought to not be scared...

 

Having regrets really s'cks!!! I have so many regrets I can hardly breath some days.

 

I'm sorry you didn't get back with your ex, but I'm sure there is someone better waiting for you if you haven't already met her

[GreenPolicy]

I've come to believe that commitment phobia is not a condition, not like what you'd find in the DSM. It's instead a pattern that has a root cause, usually a personality disorder and is related to problems with intimacy.

[Popondetta]

I'm not sure I'd consider myself to have been strong after the breakup. In all honesty, I cried over her for weeks, and before she left I probably hadn't really cried in 8-10 years, since my grandmother passed away. So the breakup really shook me hard.

 

I don't consider is messy in the typical sense, but it was still bad. I think my biggest issue was the suddeness of it all. She had built up my expectations so high, and then seemingly out of nowhere dropped me like a rock.

 

In retrospect and after reading "He's Scared, She's Scared," there were definitely signs that things were not as they should have been. Like I said before, she'd do the whole push/pull thing. She also told me towards the begining of the relationship that she never wanted to lose herself in a relationship. At the time that seemed reasonable, but looking back it definitely sounds commitment-phobic. Healthy people "lose" themselves in healthy relationships. It's the nature of love.

 

I also came to find out after the fact that I was one of many men she'd persued and thrown away at the height of the relationship. It's a pattern, and she probably knew that the promises she'd been making to me all along were ones that she'd never be able to keep.

 

 

 

That's a normal feeling, and one that I had for a long time. But I think that really you're looking for validation. I think that you want him to acknowledge to himself and you that you're "good enough" for him. The fact of the matter, when it comes to commitment-phobia, there's no way you can ever be "good enough" for them to stay. It's not about your worthiness, it's about their fear of being trapped, losing options, and losing their independence. You could possibly postpone the breakup by giving them more space, but it's only delaying the inevitable. And if you gave them that space you'd be denying yourself the intimacy and security you seek in a relationship. Would you really be happy in a relationship where your needs aren't being met?

 

You're doing really well Popondetta. Do your best not to contact him, and when you feel yourself slipping post on here.

 

Hi again Ajax

I totally understand what you mean when you explain the breakup. It can still be extremely painful even if it's not messy in the typical sense.

I also think that maybe it's good to have a bit of a messy breakup the first few weeks. Maybe it's good to get out all the anger and frustration towards the other person. I always find that I regret all the things I never said after the breakup...Now it is too late and it would just be strange if I told him those things now after so many months.

 

I recognize what you write about seeing the red flags...It's so increadibly easy to ignore the red flags in a push/pull situation. You just float into the relationship on the good feelings and positive things about the other person. (And you think as you float: "Nobody's perfect so I will accept all the things that seems negative because I love her/him and things will get better/perfect if only we get more money, more sparetime, a holiday, a new job, a new flat etc..").

 

I just find it really hard to see whether he really is a CP, or if I'm just making it up because it hurts less than if he just fell out of love with me...

 

Yeah, I definitely would feel better if he just gave me some validation because I've been torturing myself with thought about how I'm not a good enough GF, (not cute enough, not feminine enough, not sexy enough, not supportive enough, not ..blablabla)

 

"And if you gave them that space you'd be denying yourself the intimacy and security you seek in a relationship. Would you really be happy in a relationship where your needs aren't being met?"

 

No definitely not, and I've been trying to focus on this too. Some of the time with him I felt he was maybe a bit distant, but I just thought that's the way he is and never thought it had anything to do with me or us.

Now in hindsight I see that I would be a better match with someone who is more aware of my needs and who is there for me in good and bad times. Someone who has enough energy to be close with somebody else emotionally.

 

Now I'm just worried that in his next relationship he will be the perfect BF and not have CI anymore. Do you think he will be if only he meets the perfect girl for him?

(I know I should focus more on MY next relationship than HIS, but I just find it really hard to think that maybe he will do all the right things for the next girl that he didn't do for/with me)..

 

Well Ajax, as you can see from these last words I'm not doing so well. Still thinking about him 24/7, even dreaming about him. I hate it so much, and I hate what he's done to us. We would be perfect if it wasn't for his problems....

well at least I'm doing well in not contacting him...

 

How are you coping?