Could the pain be any greater? Is hope around the corner?

[Felixtheecat]

My girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago. We started out as best friends and we ended up in a 2 1/2 year relationship. We lived together for about 14 months. I am crushed. I feel like i'm mourning the death of a loved one. I thought I was going to marry this woman and have a family one day.

 

Things had been rocky and she told me she had her fill and currently didn't have anything more to give. We had been fighting and she told me she was afraid of my temper, but that she still loved me and always would and that she can't picture a world where i'm not still in her life.

 

I knew that emotionally I had issues I had needed to work out for a while. On top of that my life had been ruff for a few other reasons. I knew I had been tough to deal with and had scheduled an appointment with a counselor just before the break up.

 

Ever since she broke up with me the love we've had for each other and my steps to heal my disfunctions have given me hope that I could return to her and attempt to start a new. I know that this wouldn't be anytime soon, but that I owe it to my self and to her to give it my all.

 

We have been communicating every day either by phone or email. She had known the steps i'm taking and that i'm determined to have her back. Her grieving process had been especially hard on her. Unlike me she's processing the situation much, much slower than myself. Tonight I mentioned again that I would do anything within reason to have her back. I asked her if she ever thought that we would/ or could get back together. She said no. I expressed shock and tried to discuss with her, but she immediately went into pain mode and said she couldn't talk anymore and that she'd call me latter.

 

I was double heart broken when she said that. I know there was never any guarantee, but with all the feelings we've shared from the beginning to now I thought that I would at least be allowed a second shot at some point. What do you folks think? Does it sound like i'm imposing hope on her too soon?

[VJohnson32]

I'm sorry about what you are going through. I have been there and the pain is unbearable but trust me when I say it gets better with time. It seems to me like a pattern with that 2 year relationships going bad. The 2 year mark I suppose its a very rocky and crucial moment in every relationship. People get comfortable with each other and everything becomes a routine. Feelings change and sparks are gone.

Were you abusive? Why would she be afraid of your temper? Arguing over things is normal to a degree. Maybe she is just afraid you wont be able to control your temper one day and let her have it good. You need to calm things down. Give her space if she ask for it.

As far as a second chance you never know, only time will tell ... she knows how you are and you both know thing wont change in a few months. Its very difficult to want to go back to an unhealthy relationship.

[Felixtheecat]

I never hit her once hit her, but I did break stuff out of anger every so often and these outbursts scared her. Regardless of what would and wouldn't have happened I can truly understand why she was afraid of me. I understand that I can never be in any health relationship with the emotional short comings I carry which is why i'm going to see a counselor on the matter and in addition have been going through various books. I am doing these things for myself, however it as been a hope of mine that she would see these things and take them into consideration. I spoke to her just now and I just get the impression that she is going to need way more time processing and processing before she can even see a glimmer of hope on the matter.

 

I wish I wasn't so classically romantic. I feel like movies and literature have poisoned my mind to have an unrealistic amount of hope

[Felixtheecat]

I spoke to her again last night and as a result I just feel more frustrated and hurt. Really the only thing I remember her saying is that if we were to get back together that "things would have to be completely different" and that she "needs space right now".

 

Sad fact of the matter is that i've always processed things instantly and it has always taken hey much longer. If that was for an average fight that we used to have I don't imagine that things are going even look possible for months. Maybe my processing wasn't always instant and perhaps I have more to think about than I know.

 

All I can think to do now, is move my stuff out and give her space. I'm not sure if I should just respond to her or go NC. I think if I did go NC it would be in the wrong spirit of being constructive and healing and just in anger and frustration... i think.

[Rosa Tamora]

HI Felix,

You had commented on my post about apathy earlier, so now I found you and would like to offer my 2 cents. I hope it will help you.

 

Your story is somewhat similar to mine, the living situation, the continued conversations on the phone post breakup.

It sounds like your girlfriend does indeed still love you. BUT, the relationship is in an unhealthy place right now. If anything, give her some peace and space to sort things out in her head. Tell her you love her and that you are working on herself, and that you respect her decision to get space. This will not only protect YOU, but also show her that you are making the decision to respect HER needs. And it will show her that HER needs are important to you. You love her and want her to be happy after all, right?

 

I know the pain in terrible. My ex broke up with me March 15th, and I was devastated, because I ddin't see it coming and I didn't even imagine he would use the word "apathy" when giving the reason for breaking up.

 

I think your ex is emotionally drained and needs space. And you, Felix, you need space as well. Some relationships can consume a person. You should step back, work on yourself, reflect and introspect in this time that has been given to you. Obviously you guys fell in love for a reason. Take this time to remember the person that you were when you guys first met, get "you" back and move into a healthy place. This is where NC comes in, because you step back, stop living in her head so much and hurting yourself and focus on yourself.

 

If you do go NC, tell yourself you are doing it out of love. Love for yourself, and for the memory of the relationship. I hear alot of people tell me to go NC and not hope that this will bring back the ex, it is mostly for yourself, to protect your own heart and it's true.

 

I had to do this with my ex. A week after I told him I can't read his mind or figure out what he wants from me, I didn't email him or contact him, and he kept asking me "how are you doing", 3 times in a row. And finally he writes "I still care about you and just want to know you're ok"

 

I read that and got emotional and decided to tell him to stop emailing me to ask how I feel. I'm in no position to talk about how I feel, because right now I'd just be picking a scab. The last thing I want to continue to do now is keep talking to him about how much I miss him or what went wrong, why didn't he do this bla bla bla. I feel like it would just make it worse. And doing that while crying and emo? Even worse!

 

So, take a time-out. Maybe take up some class/ activity where you can learn to channel that energy into something and not breaking stuff.

 

You can do this.

 

Peace & light.....

[Felixtheecat]

Thank you both for your responses. It took me a week to come to it, but I think you're both right. I am glad that I got to hear a womans perspective. Rosa, your words sound like they came straight from my ex's mouth, but since they came from you i'm able to hear them much more clearly and level headed. It's been hard to get it in my head that I need this time just as much as she does. In fact probably more because I seem to be the one with the issues that need to be worked on.

 

I'm determined though to be the healthiest me possible.