Was I too nice?

[Badenov]

I started a friendship with a girl from work & became very involved with her life, her kids, & her family. Nothing romantic--I got along with her boyfriend, & since I'm older than her, it was more a big brother/little sister thing. She's a single mother & her plate was full, so I did her a lot of favors (tho not lending $$, as I'm a firm believer that ruins all friendships). I'd babysit, help her with her homework, help her out whenever I could, & I never asked for anything in return. Now I wonder if I was too nice, because I don't think she ever respected me. It was mostly the little things that added up: She forgot my birthday, stood me up a couple of times, didn't donate to a charity I was sponsoring (altho I donated both time & $$ to a couple of hers). She would be eager to talk to me about her life & her problems, but hardly ever asked "How are you?" She could be a very kind & considerate person to others--even strangers--but it was like I was a second-class citizen. I tend to be overly-sensitive, so I tried not to let it get to me.

 

But it wasn't all bad. She made me feel important, like one of the family. She always invited me to their parties & picnics & soccer games at a time I needed it (my wife & I were splitting up). She would ask my advice, pay me a few compliments, and always thanked me when I did something for her. She'd do me a few favors, but always reminded me it was because I "did so much" for her, like she was paying me back instead of just being nice. We were never as close as I'd liked to be. We were't the kind of friends who would pick up the phone & call just to talk. Maybe she never had a real friend before. Maybe because I was a guy, or that I'm 15 years older than her. Or maybe she was just using me.

 

A few months ago, she started acting real bitchy toward me: criticizing me & biting my head off. She acted like she was tired of dealing with me, so I ended the friendship & started ignoring her (not the most mature way of handling it, I know). She never apologized or reached out to me. She'd been hanging out with "The Office Bitch", a very deceitful & manipulative woman who has a grudge against me. My friend can be naive, but she knows what this woman is like. This woman tried to have me fired, yet my "ex-friend" still goes to lunch with her every day. Then I went back on Facebook after a 3-month break, & her & her boyfriend instantly de-friended me. I texted her an offer to talk about it, but she ignored me. I really don't want to bear a grudge, & I don't want her to hate me, but i feel unappreciated & just don't think I deserve this. I do still care about her & her family, although I don't think she knows that.

 

Now I'm worried she might back-stab me at work. She doesn't seem the type, but apparently I'm not a good judge of character. I'm not sure how to act around her. Do I treat her nice? Ignore her? Be spiteful? Is it better to be a nice guy that isn't respected or a total jerk that isn't liked?

[Badenov]

While this post has gotten some reads, no one has any responses for me. But I've been surfing other posts in an attempt to find some good advice. Truth is, I'm not very good at relationships & am trying to better myself.

 

I've read a lot of interesting stuff about "nice guys" & admit I see some of the complaints in myself: insecurity, desire to be liked, too much too soon, quid pro quo expectations, emotionally manipulative, playing the martyr. It's a pattern I've repeated my whole life--in both romantic & platonic relationships. It's unintentional, of course--I don''t think I'm the "wolf in sheep's clothing" type. I've just always looked for appreciation instead of being nice as its own reward. I have self-esteem issues, & realize I'm looking for others to validate me. My sore spot is when I don't get the respect I think I'm due, but now I realize self-respect comes from within. Something I gotta work on.

 

Anyway, maybe I've learned something from this: all things in moderation. I don't think things will ever be right again with my old friend, but now I know that's more my fault than hers. All I can do now is keep an even keel & try not to repeat the pattern.

 

I just want to say what a great forum this is. Wish I would've know about it sooner. If nothing else, at least I got things off my chest.

[Mcnulty]

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. You genuinely sound like a decent guy, who has been treat dismissively by someone you thought was a friend. She sounds young and fickle to be honest. Do you really want such a person in your life? You need to surround yourself with people who, like you said will appreciate you. It's sad that this has happened, you didn't deserve it. She';s not the type of person i personally would want to have as a friend. Re. work, hey, do your job, hold your head high and you will be fine I'm sure. Have you thought about counselling, re. the cyclical patterns you say you've experience and for you self esteem? Might be worth thinking about. I'll end this as I started it. Lots of people would appreciate and be thankful for having a friend like you, remember that...you are a better person for even trying to reconcile with her...it didn't happen, so move forward and know that you tried and she isn't worthy of being a friend to you. I wish you lots of luck.

[Badenov]

Thanks, I needed that . Yeah, I do counseling & am making headway, but life in general has been kicking me in the nuts lately, so it's not easy breaking old habits. But I'm in the process of reconciling with 2 other ex-friends I treated the same way, so I guess that's progress. You're right about work too. Thanks for the pep talk.

[Tayla]

I commend you for your honesty and fair accessment of the friendship.

I often tell folks, its not about how nice you are, so much as how consistent you are with the niceness or politeness. As you progressed in this friendship you maintained civility, that is a positive. Learn to be more perceptive of folks in general ,you will find that some folks are just plain "takers" in life, always wanting for themselves and thinking nothing of the perceived Fools who lead the way for them. The reality is, most of the perceived Fools gain more wisdom and later become mature adults. A Taker rarely gains in the end.

I hope you'll keep that great characteristic of caring about people, but know which folks are worthy of such care. Keep your head up and let the sun shine brightly in your life, you deserve to look folks in the eye, you have a decent outlook to share.

[Badenov]

Since I first posted I decided to take the high road. I'm trying to put aside the resentments & grudges & just be a good person. So I'm trying to be nice w/out being "too nice". I'm trying not to do it for the expectations of something in return, but for its own sake.

 

So while I don't start casual conversations w/ my friend, I don't ignore her either. If I make a gesture (hold the door for her, give her an aspirin if she's got a headache, share my umbrella on a rainy day, etc), she graciously responds w/a subdued (cautious?) "thank you". But I don't go out of my way or bother her. The good news is I heard she's not fooled by the "OB", so I don't think she'll mess with my job or believe her lies too seriously.

 

After being on vacation for a week, I came back to find out 2 things: She closed the deal on her 1st house & she got engaged to her BF. It was bittersweet for me, as we discussed both issues during our friendship. I was sad that I was no longer part of her life during these moments. So, it being her Bday, I left her a card on her desk congratulating her & saying how I was wishing the best for her family & future, & that I am thankful for the time we spent together. I felt it was the right thing to do, & no matter how she took it, it might give me the closure I've been lacking. For the first time in my life I truly know what it means to "bury the hatchet".

 

I was told she read it w/out betraying any emotion & simply put it away (I was just relieved she didn't put it thru the paper shredder). She had an earlier opportunity to say something to me but didn't, so I figured she needed time to process it. Later, on her way out the door, she said "Thank you for the card, it was very nice." Not sure if it was sincere or just being polite (she's a real poker-face). Either way, I felt I cleared the air about where I'm coming from.

[Yamaha]

her boyfriend instantly de-friended me

 

I think the problem lies with the bf. He probably didn't like the friendship you 2 had so she started distancing you w/out telling you the reason. (He probably made her believe you had more than a friend interest in her)

 

Just be casual with her, but I wouldn't try to get to friendly, and continue on with your life.

[Badenov]

I think the problem lies with the bf. He probably didn't like the friendship you 2 had so she started distancing you w/out telling you the reason. (He probably made her believe you had more than a friend interest in her)

 

No, me & him were always cool. I don't think that's it.

 

Just be casual with her, but I wouldn't try to get to friendly, and continue on with your life.

 

Good plan