Forgive them and Move on

[Mack05]

Hi Guys,

 

I'm not sure if this thread and my story will help people (hopefully it will). Recently (March 19th) my ex girlfriend broke up with me. She had every right to do so.

 

When we met in September last year my self esteem was at an all time low. I am 36 right now. Up until I was 30 life was pretty simple for me. I had a good family, college degree and great job, great friends. But somewhere along the way, I got lost. I got addicted to gambling. I gained like 45 pounds in 5 years. My friends got married and settled down. I was living life in neutral. The gambling got so bad that I longer experienced the highs and lows that came with winning and losing. I stopped going out and when I did go out I was never comfortable.

 

Last September, I went out on a night out that I did not want to go out on. A friend of mine told me this girl (she was from Brazil) had liked me when we met a few months previous at a BBQ. I couldn't get my head around this. How the hell could she like me when I didn't even like me?. Somehow we got together and I was so happy. She was so beautiful and sweet and seemed really genuine. I found this amazing considering the past she had back in Brazil. The first 3 months were pretty amazing. She even met my family at Christmas. I treated her really well. Spend loads of money on her but far more importantly I did all the thoughtful little things for her.

 

After xmas things started to go bad. The problems I ignored for 5 years finally caught up to me. Since I was a coward, I hadn't faced my own demons. I started critizing her for mistakes she made in the past. We started to fight more and more and it was ALL down to me. I was becoming obsessive, reacting to stuff without thinking things through..I went from being this great boyfriend to being a bit of an @sshole.

 

I decided to be 'a real man' for the first time in 5 years. I never treated girls bad before, this guy staring back at me in the mirror wasn't the real me. I looked in the mirror and realised the problem was with me. Until I was happy within myself, I couldn't be in a relationship with anyone. I told her that I loved her, but that I needed time and space to get myself sorted. I decided to go to Therapy and decided to get myself back into the kind of shape I used to be in.

 

It broke my heart to let her go, but I knew I had to do this on my own. You cannot rely on othe people for your own happiness. Happiness comes from within and deep down I knew this. She seemed to understand, but then she broke no contact. She would manipulate me. Tell me that people always abandoned her. That she wanted to support me. That I was the love of her life. That the love she felt for me was "I can't live without you kind of love". The worst of all was when she lied about a doctor telling her best friend that she "probably has cancer" (she never did). It was just a way to break NC. So we would get back together, then be apart, back together be apart. It was a vicious circle.

 

In truth I was a mess and me and my ex were fighting way too much. I knew I needed to do this on my own, but when she would come calling, I would always answer. Then 1 hour before my first Therapy session she rings me and dumps me over the phone (literally out of the blue). She was this incredibly cold person. That first Therapy session was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I was in a daze for days after it. Why break up with me over the phone, 1 hour before I start my recovery process? a process she promised she would support me through. I mean if she wanted to break up a few weeks before, I could at least understand that. If only she stuck to NC when I asked her too.

 

Even though I hated her timing, I decided my ex had every right to leave me. I had hurt her, but what hurt me was all the stuff she said just a few weeks previous about me being the love of her life, supporting me through this etc etc. I told her that I accepted her decision, but that I would love to get closure and meet face to face. After the initial shock of being dumped over the phone, I had some questions that I would like answered. She ignored me. The more she ignored me, the more desperate I got. I was in therapy and in a horrible horrible place, where I have realised I have wasted 5 years of my life. The girl I love is rejecting me and not only that wouldn't even met me. When you heartbroken the only person you want to talk to is the person you are missing. I was at rock bottom. I just wanted closure.

 

My behaviour became more and more erratic. I dropped off her favourite cushion to her house (which she viewed as stalking), I facebooked her friends apologizing for my behaviour. I texted and emailed her loads and loads. I realized I wasn't boyfriend of the year, but considering all the nice things I did for her and the fact that I was rock bottom and completely acting out of character, I didn't think one goodbye face to face was too much to ask.

 

She rang my sister and told her that if I contacted her again that she would contact the police and that I would be prosecuted with haressment. I was so sad. She was making me out to be a pyscho. Why didn't she leave me go when I asked her over and over again?. Why tell me that I was the love of her life and then dump me over the phone a few weeks later?. For the next month I didn't sleep. All the above questions were going through my head. I know, I had no right to critizise her (or anyone else) about her mistakes (especially when compared to mine) but were my crimes that bad that I deserved that cold, cruel ending..I was battling with myself. If I hadn't made those mistakes before I met her, we would still be together now. My emotions changed regulary. From anger to sadness, loneliness, hurt. You name it.

 

My mother had been amazing support to me throughout this. She was on holiday for mothers day with my dad. I told her over the phone "the fight had gone in me". I was rock bottom. My mother broke down crying. Something in me finally woke me up. It's mothers day and there is your mother is on holiday crying..Get yourself sorted I said to myself. NOW..

 

So I did...I bought self help books like Codepenecy no more, The addictive personality etc etc. I continued to go to Therapy and put my heart and soul into it. I started going to the gym morning and evening most days. Writing down goals, short term and long term and ticking each one of that I achieved thus far. Most importantly I realised closure comes from within.

 

I wrote me ex a letter, pouring my feelings into it. It is a letter I will never send her. I forgave my ex, genuinely forgave her. I want her happy, even if that is without me. I will never know why she was so cruel at the end. I have some idea's (relating to her past) but I don't wonder anymore. Yes, I still think about her from time to time (I think she has moved on already with another guy) but I don't allow myself to get caught up in that stuff anymore. Any means of contact I have removed, so even if I wanted to contact her I couldn't. There is a great clip from below (skip to 3:50).

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLsWSiitLGw&feature=related

 

Forgiveness frees us to really move on. "If we want to win we gotta let ‘em go. Forgive ‘em and move on. Other wise we give ‘em too much power over us. And they don’t deserve it.." Thankfully I am now in a far better place. The weight is coming off me. I have gotten my energy and spark back. My zest for living life. I have 2 months done in Therapy and only 2 more weeks to go. I wanted to post this because I know people are in that dark place I was in. Believe me you are going to come out of it, and not only that you will come out of it a better more rounded person.

 

When we are happy within ourselves we attract the right kind of people and those relationhips have a FAR better chance of success. For those people in a dark place right now, just try do small small positive things everyday. Baby steps. Inch by Inch is how you crawl out of hell ->

 

Take care all.

Edited May 16, 2011 by Mack05

[Kcelleste]

Thanks a lot for posting this. I have to remind myself that I have a forgiveness problem.

 

I'm so sorry for what you went through

but I'm very happy that you are pulling through well

 

I admire how you are so aware of your issues, wanting to change and working hard to become a better man.

 

Thanks again

[Mack05]

T,

 

I made a big promise to my sister last night that I would not read what you wrote about me and I am going to stick to that, so have fun. There is ALOT I could say (BELIEVE ME), but as I said yesterday I decided to pratice what I preach in the thread title above -> Forgive you and Move on..I will NEVER read anything you post here, will auto delete any e-mail you send me and will never answer any call from you. Not because I am a coward, or can't defend myself, but because I choose to take the higher ground..I choose to focus on me (just me) and not engage in some pathetic tit for tat war online. I'm better then that.

 

Anything I have posted, I have truly believed to be the truth so I have no regrets. It was meant to be anonymous and if you hadn't been internet stalking me it would have remained that way. I mean why internet stalk me after you blocked me from everything and called the police...Why did you even care what I do when I am single? More questions I guess I will never get the answer to.

 

I have created a new alias so that I can continue to help people on this site, the way they have helped me, so I am not gone. Just helping under a different name ;-). Take care all but this is Mack05's last post..

 

T in closing, I Hope your Spanish dream comes through and I genuinely mean that. I'm sorry for my mistakes and always will be. At the time, I was acting out of character in the worst place of my life. That wasn't the real me. It will never happen again and I'm working my @ss off to ensure that and will continue to do so. I wish we had met face to face and aired our grievances face to face and finished things with a bit of class and goodwill. Well, I think we can both agree that ain't going to happen :-). It's very sad it has come to this. I'm sure we are the laughing stock of this site and I don't want that. This site has been amazing for me. I hope I have helped people they way they have helped me.

 

I have new dreams T and all your 'aimless drivel' did yesterday, is make me even more determined to make them come through. Take care of yourself T, don't worry about me. I will win..Your forgiven and I've moved on xxx