Dealing with insecurity, no thanks to Facebook

[gothowitz]

I am currently with a great guy who's six years my senior. We've been going out for almost four months now. I've met his family; his sister was really vocal about liking me and even said that she thinks her brother really likes me too. One of his best friends even added me on Facebook even though we'd never met.

 

My issue is this insecurity of mine about our relationship that only really cropped up recently. I decided to visit his Facebook page to see what he was up to a few days ago, as he was out of town at the time, and saw that a female co-worker of his made a comment saying, "... I'm getting lonely," regarding his being away. Mind you, this woman is married with two children. I casually brought it up with him when he got back, but he dismissed the whole thing and said that I was being silly and ridiculous. I told him that I brought it to his attention not because I was jealous but because I didn't want him to get into trouble at work. I wasn't able to explain myself further and say that I seriously thought that the co-worker had a thing for her and might be feeling that they have a special connection together. When I met this woman a couple of months back, I found it rather odd that she felt it would be a good idea to tell me that she and my boyfriend would come to work very often wearing the same color of clothing. I know that my boyfriend's not interested in her anyway, so when he dropped the subject, I didn't bring it up again. However, after this incident, I couldn't help but to visit his page again, and saw that one of his girl friends posted on his wall, "I miss you," to which he responded "I miss you more." One other girl from the town he went to for work posted something on his wall, and I also noticed that he added a new girl buddy, a pretty one at that, whom he must've met through work a couple of days ago.

 

I don't think that he's ever cheated on me, and he's told me that he's never cheated before. He said that there were several occasions in his past relationships where he was dating someone and then realized that he began liking someone else, but he never acted on his feelings until the relationship was over. It scares me a little bit to think that this might happen to me too. He's definitely more experienced when it comes to dating, and it worries me that he'll just up and go one day.

 

Another this that bothers me is, when he's away from me, with family or friends, I really feel like he's far away. I feel like I can reach him, but only to a point. We'd have a few text message exchanges during the day, then I won't hear from him until the following day. I feel as though there's a fence that I can't get across of. It's like when he's with friends, I am blocked off. I don't know what goes on when he's out, and I've never asked because I don't want to appear demanding and clingy and drive him away. I don't bombard him with texts or calls when he doesn't reply to my messages. It's funny though 'cause when I'm the one who takes a bit of time to reply, he'd send me a message to check whether I'd gotten his message or if I was at work.

 

What advice can you give me to keep my insecurities from destroying my relationship? I know that I have a good thing for me, and if it's possible, I'd like to be with my boyfriend for a really long time, even forever.

[ice salamander]

Yea... you should do the same.

 

Start by getting guys to leave you messages on your FB.

 

Start letting your guy friends take you out to dinner. Then when he starts trippin' just give him the you're just jealous/insecure/controlling card.

 

Disappear for days at a time.

 

Then when he brings it up again, just be like let's make a deal...

I'll stop with the face book flirting if you do the same. That way we do not question our commitment to each other.

 

If you jump straight into it by asking him what's up, he's going to give you the run around. It seems like he's already done that.

 

However, if you let him know how you're feeling before giving him a taste of his own medicine...

 

That's only going to backfire. As a man, this is why we never talk about our feelings. It doesn't accomplish a damn thing. In fact, it is downright detrimental to any relationship.

 

Best of luck. If worse comes to worse, just act like any other female.

 

Horde a mass of orbiters that will do anything for you. Fix a flat, take you out to eat, help you move, etc...

 

Dump your bf only after you've found another man. Swing branches that way you won't get hurt. Start to emotionally let go.

 

Best of luck.

[stace79]

This is ridiculous. He's not committed to you. He might say he is, but his actions say otherwise. People need to start realizing that when you commit to someone, that means you decommit to anyone else. No more flirtatious text conversations. No more one-on-one hang-outs with your opposite sex friends. Hell, I'd go so far as to say that if your friends (male or female) don't become "friends" of your relationship and your SO, then they need to go.

 

Committing to a relationship means sacrificing your individual wants and needs to make your relationship as a couple better. If you aren't prepared to do that, then don't be in a relationship.

 

I do NOT think you have a good thing going. He sounds like a wishy-washy ass who wants to have you on a string, but still be able to go out with whomever he wants and flirt right in front of you via Facebook.

 

I wouldn't stand for it at all. But if you choose to stay with him, expect more of the same throughout your whole relationship.

[gothowitz]

Thank you for your reply, guys. These days, I'm admittedly feeling a little distant toward him, mostly because when I sense something fishy in a certain situation, I tend to withdraw. Some days, things seem like they couldn't get any better, but other days, I have nagging doubts about where I stand in his life. His family may have given indications that he's serious about me, but in the past few weeks, I can't help but feel that he's been taking me for granted.

 

Got another stab in the chest this afternoon. He uploaded a bunch of photos from an evening we spent with his family. He uploaded the group photos, but not the one photo of just the two of us. I asked him why it wasn't included in the album, because I distinctly remember the picture being saved in his camera. I told him that I recalled seeing it, then he said that he might've "missed" it and would check again. It just seems a little weird to me, because, don't photos uploaded as a batch on a computer get saved in the same album? In that case, it'd be pretty hard to miss, especially if the picture is one that you share with your supposed significant other. If it were me, that'd be the photo I'd make sure to post.

 

The thing is, he has photos of him and his exes all over his page in various albums. Some of his friends have even posted comments on the pictures like, "She looks lovely," and I can't help but feel insecure when I see them. I'm not as experienced in the dating arena as his previous girlfriends probably are, and it kills me every time he says/does things that indicate that he's being "wishy washy" about our relationship. I do understand that we've reached that point in our relationship where we're both really showing each other who we really are. He doesn't initiate PDA as much as he used to, but he doesn't reject me when I show him affection. He's also beginning to show me his temper; he snapped at me the other day over something really petty. We argue more often now too, but never to the point where we yell at each other. We seem to cool down quickly, and things seem to be alright again after a few minutes.

 

[On a brighter note, he at least put up his relationship status as "in a relationship with (my name)" three days ago.]

Edited May 23, 2011 by gothowitz

[Woman In Blue]

First, I'm going to have to assume you're both pretty young, because mature adults don't conduct their lives and/or relationships based on the daily status of Facebook. Having said that, however, I think it's painfully obvious that this guy is doing EVERYTHING to keep you out of his "other" world - the one where he lives his real life wth friends, family, contemporaries, etc. etc.

 

He's got you boxed into this one little area and when it suits him, he spends time in your world, but when he's ready to live his real life, off he goes - and you have no idea where he is or with whom he's spending time.

 

This honestly doesn't sound like a 50/50 relationship at all - you're constantly being left with doubts with feelings of insecurity while he's doing whatever the hell he pleases and only making a marginal - at BEST - effort to include you in his life.

 

You said it yourself - you don't have much relationship experience. You're merely learning how things work with this one, because you can be sure he won't be your last. He's not a keeper and I think you know that deep down.