Difference between breadcrumbs and wanting to get back together

[ironmanpower]

How do you tell if your ex attempt to contact you is just breadcrumbs or an effort to get back together?

 

My ex and I had a huge broke up and last I heard is that she has a new boyfriend. After about 25 days of NC, she sent me a text message while ok holiday at 1am asking me if I have been going to church. We used to go to the same church but I left since we broke up.

 

I ignore this SMS and 3 days later, she sent me another text message and ask me if I want anything from where she's holidaying. I ignored the text message as well.

 

I am on a business trip right now as I write this. I still miss her and dream of her and her boyfriend. What should I do? It's close to 31 days and I still have this emotional rollercoaster going inside of me.

[TaraMaiden]

Breadcrumbs:

 

"Hi, u OK?"

 

"Hello, just wondered how you are doing...."

 

"hey u... what r u doing nowadays?"

 

"Hi just thought I'd touch base...."

 

"Wish your *insert family member here* a happy b'day for me!"

 

"Just heard u passed your *insert exam/test here*! Well done!"

 

"How's your *insert family name here* doing? I heard they were unwell..."

 

and of course,

 

"Have u been going to church....?"

 

Wanting to get back together:

 

I am so sorry, I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I really regret it. I will do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to make good my actions. can you ever forgive me? I really hope so, I would dearly love to try again, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and give us another chance."

 

or something very like it.

 

Everything else - Is just breadcrumbs.

 

EVERYTHING.

Edited May 22, 2011 by TaraMaiden

[homebrew]

TaraMaiden nailed it!

 

Had many Exes come back and it was more or less like she describes.

 

They are very clear and concise about their motives and what their intentions are. They do not leave any room for doubt as to what they are trying to do. They will initiate, pursue, retry if needed and put themselves out there.

 

There will be no smoke signals, tea leaves to read, codes to crack, etc. If you have to ask think or ask someone what your Ex is up too... It is breadcrumbs!

[ironmanpower]

Thanks for the quick reply. What would ignoring breadcrumbs mean to me and her?

 

First of all, once I ignore her breadcrumbs, I am sending signals that I am living perfectly without her. Also ignoring her breadcrumbs means protecting myself so as not to hurt myself lest those advances by her mean nothing.

 

This forum is golden, it has been a great help for me to focus on my healing.

[nana841121]

what's their motivations for the breadcrumb?

Pathetic swinger !

[homebrew]

1. Drama

2. Ego

3. Safety net

4. Lonely

5. Sex

6. Challenge

7. Bored

8. Curious

9. Wondering

10. etc.

[Leda]

I am so sorry, I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I really regret it. I will do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to make good my actions. can you ever forgive me? I really hope so, I would dearly love to try again, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and give us another chance."

 

or something very like it.

 

Everything else - Is just breadcrumbs.

 

 

 

I disagree with this. I've reconciled with exes twice in my life...both times, no one made any big confession on either side until AFTER we'd gotten back together. Leading up to it, it was just gentle, tentative testing the waters.

 

I am working to be emotionally braver....but even so, I don't necessarily think it's even respectful to go to someone you dumped and bombard them with a big pile of gooey emotions and put them in the position to have to take you back or reject you. Better to see what's going on with them first.

 

That said, ironmanpower, it sounds like in your case she's just trying to extend friendship. Especially if it's true she's seeing someone else.

 

I just don't think it's accurate to turn it into a sweeping statement about everyone's exes the world over.

[Trovador]

It's relative... to your ex's personality I guess. I mean, it's when they do more than what they have done so far.

 

Don't expect a 10 or 9 (crawling back to you, saying "forgive me") when all they have done are 3s or 4s (I miss you, I want to know about you)...

 

My ex, for example, pulled once a 6. "I didn't resist calling you" (or maybe it was a 5?) and that was that. But I took it as a 9 (not that I was counting, ha ha), because she never in her life would call me to say "I love you, take me back"... and I was spot on with this system of mine (patent pending) because that was what she meant...

 

The same with her shows of affection. "It's nice talking to you" was amount to "I love you so much"... but thick headed as I am I wanted to hear the real thing and when I insisted about this, she said "I've showed you this all the time"...

 

In other words, don't expect what your ex never showed before and most people, myself included, just test the waters before diving headlong...

 

But if you are going to err, do it on the precautionary side...

[mtom21]

She honestly sounds bored and just curious. Girls often like to feel that they can secure you as a friend or keep you on the string. Unfortunately neither of these is a good option for you. Another likely situation is that things with her current BF arn't going well.

 

I'm not sure how correct I am with this, but if it was me i'd almost set the ultimatum of only wanting to talk if you get back together. It makes it difficult for this activity to continue. The only problem is that has almost zero percent chance of working.

[Banker Chick]

I think she's just seeing if you're still willing to be a friend to her but only continued NC will tell you for sure.

 

I do agree with Leda though that what is reconciliation talk for one couple may not be for another. When my ex and I reconciled we did a "testing of the waters" for a good 4 months and only when we finally admitted we were "back together" were we completely honest about how we felt during those 4 months. In our case, we had to take it slow and become friends again to see if we could get along so there weren't any professions of undying love. It happened over time.

[ironmanpower]

Let's see how it goes man. I am not pinning any hope on such text messages from her. O just sent her a text asking how was her holidays. If theres no reply and if the reply was short and no reciprocating action from her. It would be NC again.

 

I have known her for quite awhile. It seems that she wants to string me along as she knows she has a future with me. But fact is that shes still young and want to date other men. Let's just leave it as it is now and not pursue anything.

 

NC does help me to heal and I no longer skip a heartbeat when I see her text msg. Another fact I know that she still keeps contact with another ex before me. She has a habit of stringing ex along.

[TaraMaiden]

I disagree with this. I've reconciled with exes twice in my life...both times, no one made any big confession on either side until AFTER we'd gotten back together. Leading up to it, it was just gentle, tentative testing the waters....

 

Yes.

And where are they now?

 

My point is this:

Anybody who truly wants to get back to you, will make a darn sight more of an effort in their approach, if the result is to be anything but tentative.

 

If someone really wants you back, then they'll go all out to do it. Whatever it takes.

Counselling and communication, to avoid simply making the same mistakes ever again.

 

Second chances rarely work.

if at all.

[Leda]

Anybody who truly wants to get back to you, will make a darn sight more of an effort in their approach, if the result is to be anything but tentative.

 

If someone really wants you back, then they'll go all out to do it. Whatever it takes.

 

 

See, I think this is true once they've established that you want them back, too. Which they might try to do respectfully and politely, especially if they care about you, rather than put you on the spot with some heavy-handed confession that ends up feeling like an ultimatum. Otherwise it's not about good communication, it's just stalker-y.

Edited May 23, 2011 by Leda
didn't need to be a novel

[TaraMaiden]

(Off-topic: I love your edit reason.

I should remember that for myself, sometimes.... )

[nana841121]

TMI.too much information

how i wish i could stick to one theory and work everything out according to this one and only theory, but human being is so complicated and unpredictable.

we are all tossed on the rough sea without knowing where we are heading to.

[ironmanpower]

I text her and she replied. We exchange a few text messages. Nothing heavy. Not gonna text her again till she contacts me again.

 

NC is more essential for healing yourself. This is for you to create some boundary and heal yourself. This is so that you would not micro analyze anything.