1 Month NC, Just getting worse...

[Timbo22]

3 1/2 yr realationship, and its been 4 months since the break up and 1 month NC- Just for some background...

 

1 month it has been since she ran into me downtown and ran up hugged and kissed me... She then told me "we will probably be back together again just not now".... She is seeing someone else off and on as well. The guys is also not her type at all. 2weeks later she tried adding me on Facebook, I simply declined and that as the last time Ive heard from her and its been a month now. I did everything wrong at 1st. Begged, Pleaded, Tried to convince her otherwise. I was so blind-sided and I thought we had such a bond. We were so comfortable together I guess we both took things for granted. I know now I never would ever again if she gave me a chance...

 

Anyway it's been a month NC and its not getting any better. I miss her so much and recently I cant stop thinking about her. Wondering if she misses me? or if she will ever call me again. It's very hard to swallow because she was so amazing... I'm so tempeted to break NC, Memorial Day is coming up this weekend and last year with her was amazing. I get along with eveyone and I have many friends and most of her friends loved to hangout with me. I'm also very attractive and her best friend yes her best friend she has known since she was 5 tried to sleep with me when we were all drunk at a party. Of course I told her about it, she just let it go. She was so nice to people all the time and I learned alot from her. I still cant take her of the pedastal. She completely changed her lifestyle, as she started partying and drinking heavily. Saying she felt trapped with me and needed space.

 

Ive been doing everything I can to try and stop thinking about her. Hanging out with friends alot, going to parties and downtown, working out 24/7. It all just comes flooding back.

 

She was my 1st love, the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen. And the worst part about it is that her flaws the negative side about her I learned to love and accept. I miss everything about her 4 months and it still feels like day 1. Ive been on a few dates, Actually had 2 girls who were my friends I thought fight over me... nothing really eases the pain...

[cookiecrumbles]

It definately is hard mate, no doubt about it.

 

But in time it does get easier, trust me. We have all been in your sitatuion before.

 

Good on ya for declining her facebook that is a huge move and a smart one.

 

You need to take it one day at a time, rome wasnt built in a day, just keep it up, things will start to fade slowly.

 

If she really loves you, let her come back and do the work. In meantime make yourself stronger

[Timbo22]

I hate this though, everytime I'm alone I just cannot stop thinking about her.

 

Funny last night I had a dream that I contacted her and she blew me off... I guess thats a sign not to contact her right now.

[lalalandman]

It's because you're beating yourself up. The more you kick yourself, the harder it's gonna be. And girls, they just have this sense that you're not doing well. It's weird. Just disappear. You don't need to worry about what she's doing with her life, at all. Trust me. Facebook...delete it. It will be there later. Just walk away man. If she loves you, trust me, time will tell. And by the time you're healed, you'll know if this is meant to be.

[PelicanPete]

Come on Timbo you sound like a smart guy, the distractions you're trying to set up for yourself aren't holding up, in fact they are only making things worse. I remember you and I joined LS around the same time with a similar story, both of our exes just left us and drastically changed and we were left to try to make sense of things.

 

If you don't throw her overboard, no matter where you go she's always going to be in your ship. Whether you have 6 women fighting over you, lots of great friends, and a successful "happy" life she's always going there as your baggage. Don't you get tired of carrying it around? She did, that's why shes seeing another guy on and off, and not still with you. Why are you still holding on to her when she's holding onto someone else? Don't you want someone to hold onto you instead?

 

She is not amazing, it was all an act. You really love her, and she doesn't. Imagine if you guys switched roles, and you left her like she left you, and your seeing another girl on and off while stringing her along. Would you have the heart to do that to her? I don't think so! Yet she is able to do that to you just fine. That's not love, and that's not a person that deserves to be put on a pedastel.

 

Imagine agreeing to be tied to the bumper of her car by a rope and dragged across the pavement as she drives with x amount of other guys in the car with her. She's taking you for granted, and thinks you'll always be there. You aren't there physically, but you're still in the same place psychologically. Cut the rope, throw her overboard, and kick that pedastel out from under her. You're still young just like I am. I chose to explore other areas of my life and not deal with relationships for awhile. and because of that I am happy. I feel that would be the best move for you as well.

 

You have to be the one to make the decision to abolish all hope of getting back with her. You can make a much more deserving woman a lot happier, but you'll never experience that if you don't let go. All you have to lose by letting go is depression. Stop relying on one immature and naive girl for your happiness, and start relying on yourself.

[Allisha]

Come on Timbo you sound like a smart guy, the distractions you're trying to set up for yourself aren't holding up, in fact they are only making things worse. I remember you and I joined LS around the same time with a similar story, both of our exes just left us and drastically changed and we were left to try to make sense of things.

 

If you don't throw her overboard, no matter where you go she's always going to be in your ship. Whether you have 6 women fighting over you, lots of great friends, and a successful "happy" life she's always going there as your baggage. Don't you get tired of carrying it around? She did, that's why shes seeing another guy on and off, and not still with you. Why are you still holding on to her when she's holding onto someone else? Don't you want someone to hold onto you instead?

 

She is not amazing, it was all an act. You really love her, and she doesn't. Imagine if you guys switched roles, and you left her like she left you, and your seeing another girl on and off while stringing her along. Would you have the heart to do that to her? I don't think so! Yet she is able to do that to you just fine. That's not love, and that's not a person that deserves to be put on a pedastel.

 

Imagine agreeing to be tied to the bumper of her car by a rope and dragged across the pavement as she drives with x amount of other guys in the car with her. She's taking you for granted, and thinks you'll always be there. You aren't there physically, but you're still in the same place psychologically. Cut the rope, throw her overboard, and kick that pedastel out from under her. You're still young just like I am. I chose to explore other areas of my life and not deal with relationships for awhile. and because of that I am happy. I feel that would be the best move for you as well.

 

You have to be the one to make the decision to abolish all hope of getting back with her. You can make a much more deserving woman a lot happier, but you'll never experience that if you don't let go. All you have to lose by letting go is depression. Stop relying on one immature and naive girl for your happiness, and start relying on yourself.

 

THIS. The bold bits in particular. Please listen to that!

[Timbo22]

Come on Timbo you sound like a smart guy, the distractions you're trying to set up for yourself aren't holding up, in fact they are only making things worse. I remember you and I joined LS around the same time with a similar story, both of our exes just left us and drastically changed and we were left to try to make sense of things.

 

If you don't throw her overboard, no matter where you go she's always going to be in your ship. Whether you have 6 women fighting over you, lots of great friends, and a successful "happy" life she's always going there as your baggage. Don't you get tired of carrying it around? She did, that's why shes seeing another guy on and off, and not still with you. Why are you still holding on to her when she's holding onto someone else? Don't you want someone to hold onto you instead?

 

She is not amazing, it was all an act. You really love her, and she doesn't. Imagine if you guys switched roles, and you left her like she left you, and your seeing another girl on and off while stringing her along. Would you have the heart to do that to her? I don't think so! Yet she is able to do that to you just fine. That's not love, and that's not a person that deserves to be put on a pedastel.

 

Imagine agreeing to be tied to the bumper of her car by a rope and dragged across the pavement as she drives with x amount of other guys in the car with her. She's taking you for granted, and thinks you'll always be there. You aren't there physically, but you're still in the same place psychologically. Cut the rope, throw her overboard, and kick that pedastel out from under her. You're still young just like I am. I chose to explore other areas of my life and not deal with relationships for awhile. and because of that I am happy. I feel that would be the best move for you as well.

 

You have to be the one to make the decision to abolish all hope of getting back with her. You can make a much more deserving woman a lot happier, but you'll never experience that if you don't let go. All you have to lose by letting go is depression. Stop relying on one immature and naive girl for your happiness, and start relying on yourself.

 

 

Thanks Pete, I do understand I need to just cut all ties and try my best not to think about her. We just did so much together and memories pop up. I guess a cherrised them, unlike her... I am trying my best though to move on and to live my life.

[PelicanPete]

I wrote out in detail in a past thread what really helped me get over my break up, so rather then type it all out again I'm just going to copy/paste it If you're curious as to which thread - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=274083. Since our break ups are so similar, perhaps some of the ideas and methods I used will help you.

 

"I went full NC a month after the breakup. The main goal I felt to moving on was getting to the core reasons of why I was feeling depressed. Through beginning to identify my emotions I was able to get an idea of her real motivations towards her actions. It's really hard to think rationally when your heart broken because you still have the mindset of a victim. The sooner you get rid of the "pity me" attitude and accepting reality, the sooner you're able to move on.

 

I was able to stop feeling like a victim and starting to understand things better by going over the break up with other people (like LS), writing out the break up many times in different ways, and reading/helping other people with their relationship problems to apply that knowledge to my own break up. In the beginning when you're going over what happened, it's filled with heart ache and bitterness. The more you tell the story in different ways and examine it from different angles, the less meaningful it becomes to you. It's the same psychology as listening to one song on loop, eventually you're going to get tired of it and want to move on.

 

If you let it happen you will soon start to learn a lot, not only about the break up but about yourself. The more you go over what happened by admitting your mistakes and identifying why you are in pain, the more you'll understand about yourself, why it happened, and your ex's behavior. All of this makes it a lot more bearable to move to the next chapter in your life. If you're reading a book and you don't understand a point in the story, it makes it difficult to understand the rest of the book. Breakups seem to follow the same philosophy. Once you understand why it happened, there is nothing left to hold on to.

 

When you achieve understanding, you probably won't see your ex as that horrible person you saw when it first happened. By going over the story so many times, you are probably able to gain some insight from her point of view and maybe even understand why she did it. It takes more effort to hold negativity towards them at this point, you may even feel sorry for them. After all, people who hurt others are in pain themselves. When your at this phase, you'll find it much easier to let go and move on.

 

You'll come across little reminders of them after letting go, and they won't hold that much emotion. It will be easy to just let them float past in your head, maybe even smile at the fond memories, and move on with the rest of your day.

...

Using different words when describing/writing the break up will unlock different ideas and perceptions about the event. Each word holds its own perception. For example you get a different idea when you hear "happy" compared to "blissful", but they still have the same core idea. By describing it in every way you can think of, it causes you to get over the pain of your break up a lot faster, because you have opened as many doors as you can think of to filter your heart ache out instead of just one. Instead of seeing it one sided, one idea, one perception, you'll eventually see it from multiple.

 

Think of a relationship as a glass full of water. When a break up occurs that glass starts to leak, and all of your feelings towards that person start to slowly drip away. Some people ignore it, try to cover it up, or fix it, but if you never look beyond that one leak, it will take forever for that whole glass to be empty. By examining the cup you may find multiple weak spots in the glass. When you let yourself understand why those spots are weak, water will begin to pour from them. The emotions you held towards that person will exit a lot faster through multiple points rather then just one, and soon all that you'll have left is an empty glass. When the glass is empty, you'll know which points to strengthen without making a mess, so hopefully next time you won't have any leaks. "

[IanR]

wow pete, you should listen to him man, i think i might have to, thanks pete

[radiodarcy]

And the worst part about it is that her flaws the negative side about her I learned to love and accept. I miss everything about her 4 months and it still feels like day 1. Ive been on a few dates, Actually had 2 girls who were my friends I thought fight over me... nothing really eases the pain...

 

this is indeed the worst part. i am 3 months NC out of a breakup with my first love too. and that's what hurt the most - - i loved and accepted him for his flaws and insecurities but he never loved and accepted me for mine. in fact -- that's exactly why he dumped me! he said he wanted to be friends and i did try. but i couldn't handle listening to him talk about other girls. i understand he has a right to move on and date. but his rubbing my nose in every little detail certainly wasn't helping me move on! so i told him as much and walked.

 

the first month was the hardest. i thought the month of march (i went NC on the 8th) would never end. but over time, my mood has lifted a lot! i don't feel as weighed down by anxiety loneliness and depression anymore. i've started re-discovering old interests like books, politics, animal rescue. i became a vegetarian, started a new workout routine and while i'm still not ready to date yet, i have started noticing other guys. which is a far cry from where i refused to so much as look at let alone date another man again.

 

of course i still have my low days where my ex is all i think about. i practically have to sit on my hands to keep myself from contacting him. and i still get angry and bitter thinking about him and his new girl and all the fun he's having now that he's no longer bothered with me. it's those times that i feel that i haven't made an progress at all. but it's normal to feel that way. i once read somewhere that all strong emotions carry with them the illusion of permanence. and that's so true. sometimes you just have to tough it out. just know that there is an end in sight. and eventually you will start to enjoy life again. you did the right thing in denying her facebook request. you don't need to know what she's up to. about a month into NC, i made the mistake of logging into the IM acct my ex and i used to chat on. he was online and hit me up immediately. i responded. and even though all we did was exchange pleasantries, it was enough to depress me. i still continued to log in for about a week. but he never contacted me after that first day - - and neither did i. i stopped logging in after that and haven't heard from him since. and as much as it hurts, i know i'm better off for it. i don;t need any more crumbs from him.