sticks.26 Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I have recently had some suspicions that my wife has been playing around online while I am not home. There has been a past history (many years ago) when I used to work an afternoon shift in my full-time job, that she was flirting online with some guys and showing more than her face on cam... Back then we had been in our home (paying a mortgage) for only about 18 months and since we were not married at the time, I forgave her and we put it behind us and moved on with our lives together. Fast forward to the last few months... I have had to take on a second job (pizza delivery at night) to tackle the large amount of debt that we have accumulated on credit cards over the years. We have both been ignorant when it comes to spending on credit and at the start of this year I've woken up to it and trying to make an indent on the cards. We also both work full-time (Mon-Fri) and I have Monday and Thursday as nights off from the pizza store. After that brief introduction - here is the problem I am faced with... I have installed a monitoring program on the PC at home (PC Tattletale for those interested) and it takes a screen capture every few seconds when there is activity on the computer. When I first installed it I knew I would be opening up a pandora's box of sorts and may not like what I found... Over the last month I have seen her talking sexually with other guys on webcam and herself flirting and enjoying the view these guys are giving her. She has not been naked on cam, but has appeared in her pyjama's and often teasing by bending over showing cleavage and on one screen capture I saw her get her boob out of her bra to show someone her nipple. I am really in two minds what to do - we have been married since January 2010 and together as a couple since February 2002. We have lived together paying off the house for the last 6 years and times are tough when we have the credit card debt also (hence the second job...) In regards to the monitoring program, she has no idea I am watching what she is up to. I admit I am no saint myself as I look at porn online about once a fortnight but this is due to me making advances on my wife, or her going to bed earlier than me and not being interested in sex. I feel a lot of dis-respect as well... I am working my butt off to try and make a better life for us. In the short term it is not fantastic as I am very rarely home - but in the next 1 to 2 years it will be much easier on us. I am not getting any younger either... I am 34 in September and my wife is currently 33. We have no kids (long story!), but in the back of my mind I have always wanted to have kids but be financially stable to a point before any little ones come along... if the CC debt wasn't there I'm sure we would have one or two little ones by now. I'm not really sure why I'm posting here - but I am really torn as to what to do about it. I can understand to a degree why she is doing what she is due to me not being in the home - but sacrifices need to be made so we can afford the mortgage, bills, credit card repayment and food on the table! In a lot of ways I feel alone, scared, helpless and fearful of the future. This has been the longest relationship I have ever been involved in (previous longest relationship was 1-2 months), so I feel that I am in uncharted territory as far as what to do next. Thanks for reading and look forward to some replies or help - I will keep this post updated if I happen to find anything more 'damaging' in the coming weeks or months. Regards, Shaun (sticks.26) Link to post Share on other sites
Author sticks.26 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 You are much more even-tempered about this situation than I would be. IMO, you are cutting her way too much slack. Yeah, over the years I have learnt to deal with a lot of issues, problems and worries in my own head. My mind works most of the time as a voice of reason and I try and work things out myself without usually telling anyone. My wife (then girlfriend) found out that I was monitoring her in the past when I confronted her about it many years ago. Personally if I had been found out by doing it and been forgiven - I would not want to head back there and try my luck for a second time. Thanks for the reply - when I get home I may even upload some pictures (they are not explicit) of what she is getting up to on cam, therefore to make it a bit more clearer... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Before you confront her, make copies of everything for yourself and file it somewhere safe. Don't just go at her, have a plan. Mentally be ready because she is going to turn this around and make it seem like it's your fault, she'll deny it (until you show her evidence) and probably get pissed that you were snooping on her. But, let her have a sh.t fit! She is the one who is at wrong here..You are working and she's playing flirty and showing nips to men online. Give her some choices. Either cut out the sexy stuff online and do counselling with you, or tell her to move out and then she can do whatever she wants, and there will be a divorce. Let her know how upset and disappointed you are in her. I think if she saw your pain and saw the loss of trust you now have in her, it might wake her up. Atleast she's not out meeting these guys!! Yes what she is doing is so wrong, but it isn't about you, it's about her, her ego and making herself feel good. She's addicted to this attention. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 when I get home I may even upload some pictures (they are not explicit) of what she is getting up to on cam, therefore to make it a bit more clearer... You could potentially get into some legal trouble by doing that fyi. Although it doesn't like she could afford a good lawyer... Even though this is your only LTR that doesn't necessarily mean that you have to settle, and the fact that this is repeat behaviour should give you a good indication of what the future will be like with her. Take this from somebody with prior experience, you really don't want to get serious with an "attention whore"..... ...unless you want to run the risk of getting thrown under a bus the next time another man gives her the validation she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sticks.26 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 Before you confront her, make copies of everything for yourself and file it somewhere safe. Don't just go at her, have a plan. Mentally be ready because she is going to turn this around and make it seem like it's your fault, she'll deny it (until you show her evidence) and probably get pissed that you were snooping on her. Knowing my wife... she will be upset and angry at me that I have been 'spying' on her but I think I have good enough reason and basis to do so considering what I have found out - and after all she is my WIFE. I have copies of the screen captures (well the explicit ones) on a hidden folder in my iPod - so always safe to take with me. In some ways I feel guilty that I have had to spy on her in this way - but when it all comes down to it I'd rather know than not know... Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Make up a fake email address and send some of her special pictures to her. Give her a warning that the pics are getting around on the internet, and you hope she isn't married. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Do you have chat logs of what she says to these guys? I'd bet my bottom dollar that she has at least discussed meeting up with some of them, and maybe even done it. And you can bet your bottom dollar they didn't spend the time playing world of warcraft. If it was me I would kick her out and divorce her. Seriously, this kind of woman will never change. You've already busted her for it before. So why do you think she will change this time? No kids... get out now while the going is good. If you have kids and she does this again, believe me, you will wish you'd got out now. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 If the roles were reversed and you were online flirting with other women and showing your junk, I doubt your wife would be so accepting and understanding as you have been. She is totally disrespecting you and your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Link to post Share on other sites
Rinnix Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Is your wife insecure? She's getting attention in order to try and prove she's still got it. These types of women rarely change, they lack self respect. If she truly was happy with herself she wouldn't need validation. After the first time, if she was remorseful she should have quit her actions. If anything, she is taking you for a fool and disrespecting your relationship. What has she been saying to these men? As above posters said, she may have already met up with some. It gets physical fast. I would confront her and tell her that you're aware of her actions. If she denies it, then provide the proof. If she gets mad at you for snooping, you can remind her that this is not the first time she's been unfaithful. You have been working hard, don't feel as if you won't be able to meet someone else. Don't settle, you'll end up unhappy with regret. I would boot her out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sticks.26 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 If the roles were reversed and you were online flirting with other women and showing your junk, I doubt your wife would be so accepting and understanding as you have been. Yeah I am sure she would not be too impressed if I was getting my junk out on cam. She has not shown anything more than briefly showing her nipple and has not been naked on the cam - but still when I think about it... what she is getting up to and showing guys is basically almost as bad. During the monitoring process, she is often logging off Yahoo Messenger when she thinks I am due home from working my second job. I have wondered whether to say to her that I will text her on the cell/mobile when my shift has finished. There has been no indication from what I have seen that she is meeting these guys in real life or that any of them live nearby. I know one in particular has her mobile/cell # so I'm not sure how much they might be communicating via this method (which I have no way of finding out). Is it morally wrong though to be spying and snooping on my wife - like an invasion of her privacy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sticks.26 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 What has she been saying to these men? The conversations range from a whole bunch of subjects... but ultimately the guys that are talking to her are wanting to see her bend over in front of the cam so they can see cleavage (she is rather large breasted - size E), and most of the time the conversations do get rather "heated" and explicit. If I can find the time when I get home will post a few words of the conversations but will edit the names to protect 'privacy'. Link to post Share on other sites
Rinnix Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Are you going to tolerate her behavior for a second time around? Or are you going to do something about it? How do you know she won't continue again? Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Do you have chat logs of what she says to these guys? I'd bet my bottom dollar that she has at least discussed meeting up with some of them, and maybe even done it. And you can bet your bottom dollar they didn't spend the time playing world of warcraft. If it was me I would kick her out and divorce her. Seriously, this kind of woman will never change. You've already busted her for it before. So why do you think she will change this time? No kids... get out now while the going is good. If you have kids and she does this again, believe me, you will wish you'd got out now. I have to agree here. It is so much more difficult when you have children and she is absolutely disrespecting you. You are out working a second job and she is online, showing her body to other men? I cannot imagine that in any realm of reality that it is OK. If she finds out, gets mad and blames you...oh she will, too and blame you and the point will then be that you are snooping...she will just start up somewhere else. I hate to tell anyone to leave a relationship, a marriage, but some of the things that I have read on this website have been just horrible. I am so surprised that so many men have cheating, lying wives. I wish I had married someone who had your scruples. I don't think she will stop doing "something". Sorry you are going through this, but believe me when I tell you that there are many, many women who feel fortunate to have good men. I know; I wish I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sticks.26 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 Are you going to tolerate her behavior for a second time around? Or are you going to do something about it? How do you know she won't continue again? Once I have enough evidence I will not be tolerating it and as sad as it is to type... I think there really is no future with both of us. I will end up doing something about it, I just do not know how to approach the issue to begin with and even what to say... Do I just leave a note on the kitchen table with images of what I've seen? Do I leave and stay with friends for a few days and cease all contact with her? In the total amount of time we have lived together in our home we have only had 1 night apart from each other - the night before we got married. It really does feel rather surreal and like a bad dream that this is going on. I know when I confront her about it she will initially be upset that she has been found out but will think in her mind she has not done anything wrong. I can also see her blaming me for not being there (working the 2nd job)... but plenty of partners have their spouse away for days or weeks at a time and they stay faithful (I'm talking about truck drivers, armed services and the military, sales representatives, etc.) The only thing I have contemplated doing so far is going to my parents with what I know at the moment and ask them for advice. They are close in a way to my wife and only know how things are going on face value and on the surface with us - but they get along well with her. I know my parents would be upset to learn of what is going on, but ultimately they would probably want to see me happy. Just wondering whether I should chance it by talking to them? Link to post Share on other sites
P&R Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 I think this part of your wifes problem is that she has way to much time on her hands. She doesn't work, she doesn't have kids, she has nothing that she really needs to do. That leads to bordem, and bordem leads to one wanting break up the monotony. Unfortunately some of the ways people go about doing this are not very good. Either way she is showing a complete lack of respect for you. You're working two jobs while she's just sitting at home doing nothing. She is not attempting to get a job, all the while showing her body to other men online. What I'd do first is tell her to get a job and pull her own weight. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 (edited) Once I have enough evidence Dude you DO have plenty of evidence. You have all you need. There's no point wasting any more time. I will end up doing something about it, I just do not know how to approach the issue to begin with and even what to say... You say this. Wife, I know you have been doing inappropriate things online with other guys. I know you have exchanged mobile numbers with at least one of these guys. This is something that happened in the past and I explained at that time that it was not acceptable. You promised me that it would never happen again. As such I have decided that I cannot trust you or your word that it won't happen again in the future. Therefore I shall be filing for divorce henceforth. Don't move out of YOUR home, dude. It's yours as much as it is hers. don't let her bully you out when it is HER that has caused this situation. By moving out, you may be prejudicing yourself financially when the divorce proceedings come through. Also see a lawyer ASAP. Cut off any joint accounts etc. Don't give her access to your assets. I know when I confront her about it she will initially be upset that she has been found out but will think in her mind she has not done anything wrong. Well then that just reinforces your belief that she will not change. If she does not believe she has done wrong then she will not do anything about it. And if she even thinks about saying the phrase "invasion of privacy" you shut her right down straight away. Showing her boob to blokes on the internet is a huge invasion of YOUR privacy. So she can file that phrase right in the very bottom drawer of the "never to be spoken" pile. I can also see her blaming me for not being there (working the 2nd job)... but plenty of partners have their spouse away for days or weeks at a time and they stay faithful Indeed. Don't let her blame-shift or gaslight you. Yes tell your parents. Tell your friends. Tell your siblings. Tell your work colleagues. Tell the postman and the milkman and the Avon lady. Tell anyone who will listen. Edited June 1, 2011 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts