Friendship with an unbearable twist :(

[caveman434]

hi, this particular forum helped me through hell once. i dint post then, i was content to know that so many people had gone through the same pain, but now I need some advice because I know i have to talk to someone about this. Here goes...

 

i'm a guy who had to move away from my family and friends to halfway around the world after graduation. i was comfortable n happy with my life, no needs or want, happily in denial about my extreme loneliness in my new surroundings. sure, i had friends but they were all 'superficial', i cant really speak my mind to them.

 

a few months back, i met this girl online. due to circumstances, we have to meet each other online almost everyday albeit as part of a group. from this very moment, i knew that nothing could ever happen between us (please take my word for it, for one, shes way out of my league n she doesnt feel the same way for me). well, we got chatting and after a few weeks we were chatting at least for a little while almost daily. i was comfortable talking to her about anything n everything. i had pleasant dreams about her everyday although that was the extent of it. then one day, the subject came to loneliness n friends, n she confided some stuff to me and i was soooo glad that i had found a good friend. during all this time, we met hardly twice. but that night we went for dinner after work (just a friendly dinner, nuthin more, remember nothing can happen between us). from that point, its like a bomb went off in my head, i lost my appetite,sleep and interest in life. i could do nothing but think of her. somehow i got to the next morning. i knew shed understand (isnt she grt!) so i dumped my feelings on her, she understood and calmed me down. in fact, it was she who suggested tht i try out this site.

 

that night, i totally broke down n cried (havnt shed a tear in a decade n this happens). it was horrible. sure enuf, she chatted with me, and helped as much as she could. i decided to take a break from her for a week to get over these feelings and go back to being a friend. that week was hell. i came down with a fever n was in bed most of the time thinking abt her (and each time knowing very well the futility of it all). i went through this forum and i think it got me through that period, im grateful for that. the mere thought of her sent me into deep heartache n depression.

 

well, i got over the worst, came back after a week, chatted with her again. i was in control of my emotions again. Its been a month now and here's why i wrote this post, i still feel as strongly abt her as before, only that i dont break out into tears anymore. the will to live has returned. however, every time my mind is idle, i think only about her, its like my life revolves around her. now i had read enough of the forums to know that the best solution is to break contact. but the thing is due to circumstances, i have to meet her online everyday, she is the closest thing to a close friend that i have, i truly enjoy even her platonic company and while im sure of getting married many years later, till then it is highly unlikely that i will have a gf (circumstances, please take my word for it) and im incredibly lonely otherwise.

 

its such a bittersweet feeling. but im afraid this singleminded focus is killing me inside, d amn im even afraid this constant heartache (all the time) will physically damage my heart : ). how do i get over these feelings and learn to enjoy her platonic company? i cant bear being like this anymore. i do need your help, i dint want to tell her all this coz i dont want to scare her away.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I do believe that you can enjoy a platonic friendship with someone you once had feelings for.......providing that you truly understanding that nothing more will come out of it, and you don't try to make something more out of it on the sly. If you keep hoping, fantasizing, and dreaming about her in a romantic way knowing you can't be with her, you're only stressing and frustrating yourself...and yes that does cause physiological effects. So if you truly want to do without the pain, stop thinking about her in that way, and enjoy her friendship for what it is...just a friendship. In the meantime, I would suggest you try your best to make friends wherever you are. It maybe hard and it may take time, but if you did do that, your feelings probably wouldn't have gotten so deep with this girl. She's giving you something you desperately need and that's why it would be hard for you to let her go. I'm not saying that once you make good friends where you are that you should let her go, but it will rid your misplaced feelings.

[caveman434]

thanks ThisGirlNameKD , i realize that its sound advice.

 

providing that you truly understanding that nothing more will come out of it, and you don't try to make something more out of it on the sly.

as much as it kills me to realize that ill never get to hold her hand or run my fingers through her hair (i dream about this too much), i know that nothing will ever happen and I never cross the line with her. although i cant help complimenting her once in a while

 

 

So if you truly want to do without the pain, stop thinking about her in that way, and enjoy her friendship for what it is...just a friendship

this is where i need help, how do i do this!? im a smart, logical guy and i thought i could will myself through this but its not working too well. regarding getting knew friends, it was an incredibly rare event that brought me close to her. i doubt it will happen again.

[caveman434]

can someone converse with me? more than anything, i want to talk about this to someone. its taking a constant and conscious effort not to slip into depression and its draining the life out of me

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Sounds like you are going through a very rough time. Please let me know what I can do to help.

[caveman434]

How do I stop thinking about her that way? Its all i can think about anytime of the day. I force myself to accept the facts and a few times I cheer myself up, but it all just comes back after a while. Intimacy is out of question, but I so desperately want her friendship. Is this always going to be like this?

 

I look around and see even more pain here, ppl with dying partners etc, perhaps I am selfish but you know how your personal pain can cloud everything else I would have posted this in the 'friends' section but this is the section that helped me cope with hell earlier and I am trying to cope here.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Sometimes it's not so much what you do as it is how much you really want to do it. We make a conscious decision to not think of anything we consider unpleasant or things we don't like because of the way it makes us feel, and it brings us down. We choose to dwell on what is pleasant or what we like because it makes us feel good inside. In your situation, the fantasy of this girl, and you and her being together makes you feel good..yet, you know in reality that you can't have her and that's what makes you feel bad.

 

If you truly want to stop feeling bad, stressed, frustrated and depressed, then you have to choose to live and accept reality and to make a conscious decision to stop thinking about her, because in reality, thinking about her leads to you feel bad, stressed and frustrated. It doesn't lead to anything good or productive. And as much as you truly want to stop feeling that way, is how much effort you will have to put forth to stop thinking about her. Get your mind involved in new activities, read some books, and when thoughts of her come up in your head, stop the fantasies. It's not going to be easy, it's going to take time, perhaps weeks or months....there's no instant cure for anything....but once again, as much as you don't want to feel bad is as much effort you would put forth in not wanting to feel bad.

[caveman434]

i chat with her daily. i guess this is making it harder for me, but i cannot bear to break contact. what im hoping for is that someday ill be able to see her in a purely platonic way. there are times when i feel this will happen an then there are times when i dont. recently she introduced me to one of her friends, a person whom ive grown to enjoy talking to. i dont know if this was part of her plan but it does help me get my thoughts off her at least some of the time. isnt she nice.

[Bronzepen]

Caveman your going to drive yourself crazy if you haven't already. You have answered your own question by saying that you could never have her. Right from the beginning you've set up the whole scenario to fail. If your not going to follow your feelings and actually ask her out then it's never going to happen. If you stay with her as "friends" then it's really going to kill you when she starts dating someone. The way I see it, your going to lose her whether you ask her out or not. If that's the case, wouldn't you feel better knowing that you tried instead of not knowing whether she had any feelings for you? Who's knows, maybe she feels the same way toward you.

 

You have opened up to someone and have developed very strong feelings for them. If she doesn't feel the same way then move on. Talk to other people in the chat room or go to a totally new chat room. If she does like you then you got your wish.

[caveman434]

it's finally happened. i've hit ROCKBOTTOM!. bronzepen, your reply could not have come at a more appropriate time. check my first post, ive already told her how I felt knowing very well the absolute impossibility of anything happening(honest) because I thought her knowing would help me in healing and hopefully we could become good friends. i feel like an alien in this place of different people and culture that I really needed a good close friend.

 

it looks like things arnt the way i pictured them. She is extremely popular and everyone tries to chat her up. However, she once told me that she has few friends. Our last good conversation was a month back. Its been a week since she initiated a conversation. I think shes becoming closer and closer to another person in our 'circle' and just asked him out for a concert. Deep down, If I was given the choice, I would pair them up, they make a good couple and she deserves nothing less (i honestly, truly mean this). but this was the last straw. for the last month, ive been living a MISERABLE life, EVERY SINGLE MOMENT hurting with her thoughts, HURTING SO BAD!! every SINGLE MOMENT and im NOTexaggerating a bit here, AT ALL. never ever felt pain so strong and persistent, every single day, its been HELL! ive ignored everthing else in my life, my health has gone down the drain, priorities all ignored, THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE MY LIFE!!! ive never had a girl friend, never really felt a strong need, but now im INCREDIBLY LONELY! life doesnt seemt to be worth **** without someone to care for and someone who cares about you! whats the purpose of life anyway if your on ur own. I NEED HELP! more than ever before, oh how i wish i could MAKE IT ALL STOP! oh god..

 

there is NO ONE i can talk to about this, so im just gonna keep refreshing this page. ive hit rockbottom, and hurt myself so badly. the pain is too much to endure..

[Bronzepen]

Caveman......RELAX!

 

Just because one person rejected you doesn't mean it's the end of the world. There are BILLIONS of people in this world. You will find someone else. Just let her go. Your taking this way too seriously. You have got to get her out of your mind. Since your so in to her, this won't happend over night but it will happen. Friends come and go. Yes even real close friends, like in your case. Take a break, go vacationing somewhere. first thing you have to do is leave that chat room. Don't try to speak to her in anyway, shape or form. If she comes and talks to you then answer her back but be diplomatic (hello, how are you and bye) and tell her your kinda busy now and that maybe you will talk to her next week. When next week comes along DON'T call her. Start seeing other people. Whatever you do, DON'T compare anyone you meet to her.

 

Take it one day at a time. Before you know it, she will be just another closed chapter in your book.

[caveman434]

well, she dint actually reject me, i just let my feelings take over knowing very well that nothing could happen, so in effect I brought this upon myself. in fact in the past 3 months, ive met her only thrice in real life and yet my feelings run so strong.

 

its a bit complicated , you see. ive been on this online thing(lets call it chat room for discussions sake) for many many years now, its a big passion in my life, so i really cant just give it up, in fact that is the one thing that was keeping me sane all this while. so ill be seeing her online everyday! watching her being chatted up with so many ppl, earlier she used to acknowledge my presence and well, i used to feel like the happiest guy on the planet.

 

i'm also afraid that if i let her go, ill be in an even worse situation. im in an alien place and i wouldnt really call myself goodlooking and im not the clubbing kinda person. if i have difficulty finding even a good friend how the hell will i find a girlfriend? im very friendly and have no problems chatting up ppl but there are hardly any girls in my circle and my current friends are a bit 'superficial'.

 

what you said is true, i really shldnt be comparing. every woman i see just reminds me of her. how do i clear up things with her, shall i ask her exactly where i figure in her priorities?

 

im calmer now but i know for sure its all going to come back later in the day. i feel like a nice guy constantly banging against a brick wall, hurting myself, just trying to get out

[Bronzepen]

caveman, your letting this woman consume you. If this chat room is a big part of your life then fine stay on but just don't acknowledge her. Don't focus on her chatter with the other ppl. If your saying that she doesn't acknowledge you like before then maybe your losing her already and she is moving on.

 

Also, you need to work on your self esteem. So your not that good looking, so what, big deal, welcome to the rest of the world. You have to turn a negative in a positive. Haven't you ever seen some average Joe's and some below average Joe's with an extremely attractive woman and you say to yourself, how did those two hookup? Yes, sometimes the Joe's are rolling in money but I have personally known some guys that don't have money with women like these. Do you know what the secret is? These guys didn't care how they looked and they care less what the women MIGHT think of them. I say might because you don't know what the women are thinking. If you don't know then why worry about it. Just ask her out.

 

OK, lets do a test. Who knows, this test may turn out to be something wonderful. If your apprehensive about asking this woman out then try asking another women out on a date. I am sure you've met some other women on that chat room or maybe there is another woman at work or a neighbor, whatever. Ask them out for some coffee and chat up with them. See where it goes from there. Maybe it will be a new friend or maybe more. Bottom line, you have to try somehting. Nothing is ever going to fall on your lap.

[morphius]

Originally posted by ThisGirlNameKD

So if you truly want to do without the pain, stop thinking about her in that way, and enjoy her friendship for what it is...just a friendship.

 

I disagree, If you are in love with someone then how can you just "stop feeling" as you put it? Love is not dismissible and unfortunately we cannot control it.

[AuroraFaery]

Caveman,

 

I think one of the big problems you might have, is not with her regecting you, but with that fact that she is probably the only person you have opened up to and you are scared to open up again in fear that you will be hurt.

Also re-living the pain of what could be, and seeing her online everyday is so painful in itself.

Currently i am sort of in the same position.. i am agonizing over my ex who "just wants to be friends" And i can hardly stand to be around him without becomming hysterical with tears. I think he feels sorry for me, but there is also his "no way is this ever going to become more then frieds" Stance. I know, it happened to me today....it cuts me inside to look at him, so i burst in tears. But he still wants to be my friend? I am starting to wonder if he is sadistic.. I am been very lonely without him and feel that if i open myself to anyone else, i might be hurt. So therefore.. i have no friends, and he was my only *true* friend i had.

So my suggestion is, if it hurts to talk to her, dont talk to her. I will stop talking to my ex and hurting, if you stop talking to your love intrest. we could make it a team effort or something.

its hard when you compleatly open up to someone and they regect you, but it is also harder when you have to be reminded of it day after day... and have them *only want to be your friend and nothing more*

But to help cope with this... you should make new friends other then her

I would like to be your friend if you like.. i need to make some myself

everything will be alright, i am sure you are a wonderful guy, that has just poured all his love and effort in the wrong place.

if you need a friend or someone to talk to i am here

[caveman434]

it hurts, doesnt it...

 

i think last week i sunk as far as I could go, on some level i know that im over a milestone in healing. everytime I used to think of her, it used to be a crushing pain, now its a mellow sadness. In time I hope it will pass. I think the fact that she's dating helps in a wierd kind of way, drives home the point that theres nothin in this for me, move on! But its hard.

 

We still chat, in fact, the highlight of each day for me is chatting with her, even a 'hi' just cheers me up. She introduced me to more ppl, selective ppl who I enjoy talking to, though not very deeply.

 

that she is probably the only person you have opened up to

how true. What is it about nice girls that just makes you wanna open up, sigh.

 

i've read your previous posts, cheer up coz things definitely get better in time (i keep telling myself this and sometimes it works). Not having a support system is a pain, I guess thats why all of us find ourselves here. I'd love to talk to you further, i think i need something like that.

 

thanks everyone who helped, thnx bronzepen,ThisGirlNameKD for sticking around.