Do you think I deserve a second chance?

[Nantucket1984]

Hey Friends,

 

Please ready my story, could really use more advice.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281767/

[Reoreyh]

Yes. You do. And now, I'm going to actually read your story and give some relevant advice.

 

Point being, everyone deserves a second chance.

[Nantucket1984]

Yes. You do. And now, I'm going to actually read your story and give some relevant advice.

 

Point being, everyone deserves a second chance.

 

looking forward to your advice on my story.

[Reoreyh]

Seems like you did alot of unnattractive stuff after she left you, that's all. I see no reason why she can't forget it, or why, in time, she can't see beyond it if she misses you. Certainly there's nothing I can promise or assure you of, but in time (and I know everyone cringes at that word) you'll both feel better and have a better chance at fixing this.

 

Yeah, the dumper can seem like a huge bitch/*******, but in the end, you gotta realise that everyone has to do what's best for themselves. She's doing what's best for herself.

 

You need to figure out what's best for you in the long run. And no, you probably won't know what that is for a little while. Time and patience. And trust me, I know they are absolutely horrible to deal with right now, but they will help.

[Nantucket1984]

Seems like you did alot of unnattractive stuff after she left you, that's all. I see no reason why she can't forget it, or why, in time, she can't see beyond it if she misses you. Certainly there's nothing I can promise or assure you of, but in time (and I know everyone cringes at that word) you'll both feel better and have a better chance at fixing this.

 

Yeah, the dumper can seem like a huge bitch/*******, but in the end, you gotta realise that everyone has to do what's best for themselves. She's doing what's best for herself.

 

You need to figure out what's best for you in the long run. And no, you probably won't know what that is for a little while. Time and patience. And trust me, I know they are absolutely horrible to deal with right now, but they will help.

 

Thanks. I was pushy. But Ive never really been dumped before so I figured that if I didnt tell her how much I cared about her and loved her she would think I didnt and move on. thats why I called every couple days and asked to hang out. I thought if you dont see eachother/talk to eachother then you just fall out of love and move on.... Didnt think giving space was the answer to our problems.

[EgoJoe]

Get clean for six months and then come back and read your posts.

 

Also, read the Wikipedia article on Egocentrism.

[Graceful]

Nantucket,

 

Your post really upset me. You have so much work to do on yourself, and instead, not only are you turning all of your attention onto your ex, accusing HER of being in the wrong, disrespecting her, not understanding her role as a parent, not understanding how angry she is at you for lying to her, not understanding how protective she is of her child, and continuing to use ... I mean, can you really expect anyone here to endorse what you're doing and support the idea you want a second chance? Saying "I love you" doesn't mean squat, they are just words. That doesn't mean she is devoted to you, is committed to you, or owes you anything. And after finding out you lied to her, love changes. You crossed a huge boundary. If this happened to me, I wouldn't speak to you either, I'd be furious.

 

Get into Nar-Anon. Get into therapy. Find out the steps you need to take to push through this addiction. You can't be in ANY relationship until you have resolved your drug addiction. You're lying to other people, and you're living a lie. How can you bring anything honest and sincere to a relationship? You can't.

 

Your focus needs to be on YOU. Get treatment. Get help. If you continue to lie about your drug use and don't get help, you're headed for a long painful future, and certainly not one with a healthy relationship in it. Sorry. I hope you take the right steps, it's the right thing to do, and what's more, you already know what you need to do, it's just a matter of you getting yourself to do it. And no matter what you do, leave your ex alone. Respect her wishes. She's serious, and you should be, too.

Take care.

[Nantucket1984]

Nantucket,

 

Your post really upset me. You have so much work to do on yourself, and instead, not only are you turning all of your attention onto your ex, accusing HER of being in the wrong, disrespecting her, not understanding her role as a parent, not understanding how angry she is at you for lying to her, not understanding how protective she is of her child, and continuing to use ... I mean, can you really expect anyone here to endorse what you're doing and support the idea you want a second chance? Saying "I love you" doesn't mean squat, they are just words. That doesn't mean she is devoted to you, is committed to you, or owes you anything. And after finding out you lied to her, love changes. You crossed a huge boundary. If this happened to me, I wouldn't speak to you either, I'd be furious.

 

Get into Nar-Anon. Get into therapy. Find out the steps you need to take to push through this addiction. You can't be in ANY relationship until you have resolved your drug addiction. You're lying to other people, and you're living a lie. How can you bring anything honest and sincere to a relationship? You can't.

 

Your focus needs to be on YOU. Get treatment. Get help. If you continue to lie about your drug use and don't get help, you're headed for a long painful future, and certainly not one with a healthy relationship in it. Sorry. I hope you take the right steps, it's the right thing to do, and what's more, you already know what you need to do, it's just a matter of you getting yourself to do it. And no matter what you do, leave your ex alone. Respect her wishes. She's serious, and you should be, too.

Take care.

 

Hey Graceful,

 

Thanks for reading and posting. It helps hearing another girl's point of view. What your saying is right. It was hard for me to understand why she left. I assumed since I didnt cheat on her or have an emotional relationship with another woman that it is something you can forgive and work out. Never did I think I was disrespecting her this entire time. I was trying to show her I was wrong and should of admitted it earlier. She has a lot on her plate besides what happened to me and she felt like everything around her was falling apart so I wanted to be there for her even though we werent together. Obviously if I didnt care about her or love her I would of left her alone for good.

 

Anyways your post helped me open my eyes more. If there is anything else you would like to add let me know.

[Graceful]

I'm glad you took what I said in the spirit it was intended, and that was to help you. You need to see another viewpoint and open your eyes as to how your behavior affects (and affected) your ex, because that's what will help you improve yourself, get clean and sober, and become a more emotionally honest person.

 

Nantucket, cheating is not the only deal breaker in the breakup rule book, you know.

 

TRUST is the issue. Trust, no matter how it is lost, is a deal breaker. SO when you lie and deceive someone, such as you did on your drug use, your ex's trust in you vanished, and that is a big blow to any relationship. See what I mean?

 

Hey Graceful,

 

Thanks for reading and posting. It helps hearing another girl's point of view. What your saying is right. It was hard for me to understand why she left. I assumed since I didnt cheat on her or have an emotional relationship with another woman that it is something you can forgive and work out.

 

Never did I think I was disrespecting her this entire time. I was trying to show her I was wrong and should of admitted it earlier. She has a lot on her plate besides what happened to me and she felt like everything around her was falling apart so I wanted to be there for her even though we werent together. Obviously if I didnt care about her or love her I would of left her alone for good.

Anyways your post helped me open my eyes more. If there is anything else you would like to add let me know.

You did mean well, but you were looking at the situation from YOUR standpoint, not her's and she did ask you to leave her alone, and you didn't.

 

This is a respect issue, you see. Someone asks you to do something, and if you don't do it, then how does that make you look? Makes you look like you don't care about the request that was given to you, and makes you look needy, too. Is it a tough balance? Yes, it is.

 

The way you saw your situation was very INWARD on your part. This means you were seeing your ex as being in the wrong, just because you were trying to make amends. You were trying to make amends even after she said to leave her alone, and told you it was too soon. So in her eyes, you were only thinking of yourself and not her. Make sense? She was too upset to speak with you, and that's her right. So don't accuse her of being unreasonable, okay?

 

Please seriously consider getting into treatment, staying NC, and waiting a period of time before you even consider contacting your ex again. You have to be able to prove to her that you are a serious contender for her heart, and you can't do that unless you are clean and sober. Please take your recovery seriously, because it's an investment in your future, no matter what happens with your ex. Hope you can see that. Take care.

[Nantucket1984]

I'm glad you took what I said in the spirit it was intended, and that was to help you. You need to see another viewpoint and open your eyes as to how your behavior affects (and affected) your ex, because that's what will help you improve yourself, get clean and sober, and become a more emotionally honest person.

 

Nantucket, cheating is not the only deal breaker in the breakup rule book, you know.

 

TRUST is the issue. Trust, no matter how it is lost, is a deal breaker. SO when you lie and deceive someone, such as you did on your drug use, your ex's trust in you vanished, and that is a big blow to any relationship. See what I mean?

 

You did mean well, but you were looking at the situation from YOUR standpoint, not her's and she did ask you to leave her alone, and you didn't.

 

This is a respect issue, you see. Someone asks you to do something, and if you don't do it, then how does that make you look? Makes you look like you don't care about the request that was given to you, and makes you look needy, too. Is it a tough balance? Yes, it is.

 

The way you saw your situation was very INWARD on your part. This means you were seeing your ex as being in the wrong, just because you were trying to make amends. You were trying to make amends even after she said to leave her alone, and told you it was too soon. So in her eyes, you were only thinking of yourself and not her. Make sense? She was too upset to speak with you, and that's her right. So don't accuse her of being unreasonable, okay?

 

Please seriously consider getting into treatment, staying NC, and waiting a period of time before you even consider contacting your ex again. You have to be able to prove to her that you are a serious contender for her heart, and you can't do that unless you are clean and sober. Please take your recovery seriously, because it's an investment in your future, no matter what happens with your ex. Hope you can see that. Take care.

 

Grace,

 

Wanted your advice on how long you think I should wait before contacting her again. You said previously(waiting a period of time before you even consider contacting my ex again)

 

Just wanted to add that this girl was really obsessed with me. I met her family and they loved me and so did her friends. She said she trusted me soo much and thats why this hurt her so much. She said she thought I was the one person that wouldnt do that to her. She spoiled me tickets to games all the time. After our fight 2 months ago and I admitted I was using she said she felt hurt, sad, manipulated, disrespected, etc. She said she just cant be with me right now and if I dont want to stick around then thats my choice. It doesnt make sense because in mind, sticking around meant calling her, hanging out with her. She still picks up right away when I call but she says shes not ready to see me yet. Sometimes I feel like I am being strung along and that bothers me. Anyways its day 6 of NC. We work together and we crossed paths in the hallway and just she smiled at me.

[Graceful]

Hi Nantucket,

 

In my original message, I would advise along the lines of waiting 6 months before contacting your ex. Anything less than this in the way of sobriety or commitment to getting off the drugs would be meaningless not only to your ex, but to you, too. You see, you have to be very, very clear in your commitment to YOURSELF, because regardless of what happens with your ex, this is something you need to do PERIOD. FOR YOU. For your future. So if you continue to make attempts, or make any other attempt a few months from now and she rejects you (continually) or keeps telling you she's not ready, it's going to cloud the drug abuse issues.

 

If the only reason you get clean is to get your ex back, that's not going to work, and it's not going to last. It would be very easy to fall back into bad habits if she takes you back, and it would also be very easy for you to lose your commitment to yourself, if she rejects you. The temptation will be too great.

 

See what I mean?

 

 

Grace, Wanted your advice on how long you think I should wait before contacting her again. You said previously(waiting a period of time before you even consider contacting my ex again)

 

Just wanted to add that this girl was really obsessed with me. I met her family and they loved me and so did her friends. She said she trusted me soo much and thats why this hurt her so much. She said she thought I was the one person that wouldnt do that to her. She spoiled me tickets to games all the time.

But this was before she found out you were lying to her. It's as though when she found that out, she felt she didn't know you anymore, that's what hurts so much in this type of deception. You took that trust that was so precious to her and abused it. That is why she is so upset now.

 

 

After our fight 2 months ago and I admitted I was using she said she felt hurt, sad, manipulated, disrespected, etc. She said she just cant be with me right now and if I dont want to stick around then thats my choice. It doesnt make sense because in mind, sticking around meant calling her, hanging out with her. She still picks up right away when I call but she says shes not ready to see me yet. Sometimes I feel like I am being strung along and that bothers me. Anyways its day 6 of NC. We work together and we crossed paths in the hallway and just she smiled at me.

One thing you have to understand about love. It's not unconditional all of the time, it just isn't. When I found out my ex was cheating on me, do you think I still loved him? It was like all the love just drained out of me. Well, you need to face the fact that you are taking her love for granted just because she used to love you the way she did, and no longer feels that way.

 

I have to tell you, if someone told me that he couldn't be with me "now" and also said that if I didn't want to stick around, that would be okay, I'd take that as meaning that there is no guarantee he will want to see me again, and yes, I would feel like I was being strung along. So it is your choice. And if I were you, I'd begin to detach, take care of the drug issues, and reassess everything in 6 months.

 

Insofar as working together, that is a very rough added feature to your breakup. Avoid her as much as possible, but if you do run into her, nod and smile, and keep walking. That's all you can (or should) do. If she wants to talk to you, she knows how to reach you. Stay NC and take care.

[Nantucket1984]

Hi Nantucket,

 

In my original message, I would advise along the lines of waiting 6 months before contacting your ex. Anything less than this in the way of sobriety or commitment to getting off the drugs would be meaningless not only to your ex, but to you, too. You see, you have to be very, very clear in your commitment to YOURSELF, because regardless of what happens with your ex, this is something you need to do PERIOD. FOR YOU. For your future. So if you continue to make attempts, or make any other attempt a few months from now and she rejects you (continually) or keeps telling you she's not ready, it's going to cloud the drug abuse issues.

 

If the only reason you get clean is to get your ex back, that's not going to work, and it's not going to last. It would be very easy to fall back into bad habits if she takes you back, and it would also be very easy for you to lose your commitment to yourself, if she rejects you. The temptation will be too great.

 

See what I mean?

 

 

But this was before she found out you were lying to her. It's as though when she found that out, she felt she didn't know you anymore, that's what hurts so much in this type of deception. You took that trust that was so precious to her and abused it. That is why she is so upset now.

 

 

One thing you have to understand about love. It's not unconditional all of the time, it just isn't. When I found out my ex was cheating on me, do you think I still loved him? It was like all the love just drained out of me. Well, you need to face the fact that you are taking her love for granted just because she used to love you the way she did, and no longer feels that way.

 

I have to tell you, if someone told me that he couldn't be with me "now" and also said that if I didn't want to stick around, that would be okay, I'd take that as meaning that there is no guarantee he will want to see me again, and yes, I would feel like I was being strung along. So it is your choice. And if I were you, I'd begin to detach, take care of the drug issues, and reassess everything in 6 months.

 

Insofar as working together, that is a very rough added feature to your breakup. Avoid her as much as possible, but if you do run into her, nod and smile, and keep walking. That's all you can (or should) do. If she wants to talk to you, she knows how to reach you. Stay NC and take care.

 

Graceful,

 

Your advice makes sense and I plan on following it. Is the story about you and your ex on here? I was interested in reading it. Sorry you had to go through that. You seem like a pretty genuine person and knows what they want. Personally, I would never cheat. I know every guy says that and ends up doing it, lol but its the truth. I wouldnt do it because I dont like hurting peoples feelings and also I wouldnt want someone to cheat on me. So incase you were wondering there are guys out there that really wouldnt do that.

 

Also, you should try and get your own talk show or something. Since Oprah is now gone, someones got to fill in!

[Graceful]

Graceful,

 

Your advice makes sense and I plan on following it. Is the story about you and your ex on here? I was interested in reading it. Sorry you had to go through that. You seem like a pretty genuine person and knows what they want. Personally, I would never cheat. I know every guy says that and ends up doing it, lol but its the truth. I wouldnt do it because I dont like hurting peoples feelings and also I wouldnt want someone to cheat on me. So incase you were wondering there are guys out there that really wouldnt do that.

 

Also, you should try and get your own talk show or something. Since Oprah is now gone, someones got to fill in!

 

Oh, Nantucket, I am howling! If you were trying to put a smile on my face, you succeeded! Funny thing about Oprah, but I never really watched her show, and it was never part of my lifestyle. But I'd love her paycheck, so thanks!!

 

When I came on the LS board, my breakup had been over for quite a while, so I never posted it. As I have said many times, I was over my ex (the person) long before I was over "what happened" and the pain of the breakup, the betrayal, and the disappointment in my ex. That took me well over a year. We were living together and I thought we would eventually marry, the whole nine yards, and then one day the truth of his cheating came crashing down, and the rest plays like a soap opera, part of which is amusing to me now. He's still with the "OW"; she seemed to think she was getting some sort of prize. Good luck, sister, is all I have to say to her. My ex is one of those people who walks around like nothing bothers him, but the truth is that he "exists" more than he "lives" if you know what I mean. I actually feel a little sorry for him.

 

As for you, I hope you follow through, be true to your personal goals to improve yourself, and look forward, not backwards. Second chances are not what they're cracked up to be, and while many of us hope for one, as I just said, getting "back" together with an ex is just that, going backwards. And who needs that? We all want to go forward, right? Just get yourself on the right track, because you seem to have a warm heart and I know you want to find the right person and make her happy. Take care.

[Nantucket1984]

Oh, Nantucket, I am howling! If you were trying to put a smile on my face, you succeeded! Funny thing about Oprah, but I never really watched her show, and it was never part of my lifestyle. But I'd love her paycheck, so thanks!!

 

When I came on the LS board, my breakup had been over for quite a while, so I never posted it. As I have said many times, I was over my ex (the person) long before I was over "what happened" and the pain of the breakup, the betrayal, and the disappointment in my ex. That took me well over a year. We were living together and I thought we would eventually marry, the whole nine yards, and then one day the truth of his cheating came crashing down, and the rest plays like a soap opera, part of which is amusing to me now. He's still with the "OW"; she seemed to think she was getting some sort of prize. Good luck, sister, is all I have to say to her. My ex is one of those people who walks around like nothing bothers him, but the truth is that he "exists" more than he "lives" if you know what I mean. I actually feel a little sorry for him.

 

As for you, I hope you follow through, be true to your personal goals to improve yourself, and look forward, not backwards. Second chances are not what they're cracked up to be, and while many of us hope for one, as I just said, getting "back" together with an ex is just that, going backwards. And who needs that? We all want to go forward, right? Just get yourself on the right track, because you seem to have a warm heart and I know you want to find the right person and make her happy. Take care.

 

Hey Graceful,

 

Something happened last night and want your opinion. Only 2 people at work know me and this girl were together. I wanted to keep it a secret because I wasnt supposed to date my co-workers. Anyways one of the girls I work with, lets call her "Andrea." Andrea came up to me and asked how I am, hows work, hows life, etc. She did not bring up my ex what so ever. After we finished talking I told her, you know me and my ex are not together right. She said, yeah I heard, what happened? So I told her the whole story. She said she never understood why I was with her because she always thought I could do better. She said my ex was too young(19 years old and I am 27) and that she always looked for attention.

 

Andrea then says, trust me this happened for a reason and it was for the best. I said what do you mean? She said well I heard your ex slept with this guy at work 3 weeks ago.

 

I must say I am very shocked and heart-broken. Even though we have been broken up for 2 months and this wasnt technically "cheating" why would she take the risk knowing i could find this out? I am upset because she said after we broke up she said that she is still in love with me and has confidence in us but wants to see lots of improvement before we try and fix us.

 

I dont know what to do, I stopped by her house today and dropped off all her stuff and her childs stuff but did not mention to her what I heard. I want to confront her about it but I know she has short temper and will flip out. I know I hurt her by hiding my addiction but I dont think I deserve this.

 

Do I say something to her or let it go?

[Silivren]

You need to stop focusing on your ex.

 

This new information you received - first of all it's hearsay. You have no proof. Secondly, please don't take this the wrong way, but you are no longer together - so she pretty much has the right to do whatever she wants.

 

You can't have a healthy relationship with anyone until you deal with your addiction issues, so please don't let this derail you from the path you have started on.

 

Please. Try to put it out of your mind and focus your attention on YOU. Where it needs to be right now.

[Nantucket1984]

You need to stop focusing on your ex.

 

This new information you received - first of all it's hearsay. You have no proof. Secondly, please don't take this the wrong way, but you are no longer together - so she pretty much has the right to do whatever she wants.

 

You can't have a healthy relationship with anyone until you deal with your addiction issues, so please don't let this derail you from the path you have started on.

 

Please. Try to put it out of your mind and focus your attention on YOU. Where it needs to be right now.

 

Silivren,

 

Your right. I should focus on me and I am trying to do that. Its just tough to hear that when you are trying to stay sober. Her actions clearly dont show that she is trying to "fix" us like she said after our breakup. No one likes being led on and I feel thats what she is doing. Because if you truly loved someone and wanted to make it work with them you wouldnt go sleep with another person.

[Tara_Turmoil]

I think everyone deserved second third forth fifth chances. No one gets it right all the time. Everyone should be forgiven about things unless it was REALLY REALLY bad. She should give you another chance and try to understand it was an addiction lying not you. PS. I know alot about addiction * recovering pill head/alcoholic*

[Nantucket1984]

LS Friends,

 

I was looking for advice more on whether I should call or email her asking her if what I hear is true. I doubt she would admit it but even though were not together I feel its messed up to have sex with another guy at my work if she said she wanted to fix us after I stay clean for a while. Should I confront her or let her go?

[0hpenelope]

LS Friends,

 

I was looking for advice more on whether I should call or email her asking her if what I hear is true. I doubt she would admit it but even though were not together I feel its messed up to have sex with another guy at my work if she said she wanted to fix us after I stay clean for a while. Should I confront her or let her go?

Nothing will turn off a person more than being given a guilt trip. I can see how in her perspective, she can do whatever she wants because she's a single woman. Even if she said that she wanted to fix the 2 of you after you stay clean for a while, it doesn't mean that she can't change her mind.

 

You're reacting to the hurt of being let down by someone you love and that's understandable. Hearing that the ex that you still have feelings for is taking active steps in moving on with a new partner will always be hard, no matter how you slice it. But I don't think confronting her like you want to will help your case at all.

 

What do you want to accomplish? To let her know that you know and how dare she do it? She'll remember that about you.

 

This is why we advocate NC. It's a small part for a possibility for reconciliation, but you're in the stage where you actually need it. You're still highly emotional about her and the break up and you're using it as a guiding force for your decisions. If you had been NC, you wouldn't have pried about the "it was for the best" comment. You would've let sleeping dogs lie and let it go. I'm not judging you here because it's normal to ask for an elaboration to vague answers.

 

I read your situation and you have an addiction to recover from. I'm rooting for your healing! Yes, people deserve second chances. Even though it hasn't happened to me, I've seen it happen to loved ones. But it happened after they've let go and moved on.

[Nantucket1984]

Nothing will turn off a person more than being given a guilt trip. I can see how in her perspective, she can do whatever she wants because she's a single woman. Even if she said that she wanted to fix the 2 of you after you stay clean for a while, it doesn't mean that she can't change her mind.

 

You're reacting to the hurt of being let down by someone you love and that's understandable. Hearing that the ex that you still have feelings for is taking active steps in moving on with a new partner will always be hard, no matter how you slice it. But I don't think confronting her like you want to will help your case at all.

 

What do you want to accomplish? To let her know that you know and how dare she do it? She'll remember that about you.

 

This is why we advocate NC. It's a small part for a possibility for reconciliation, but you're in the stage where you actually need it. You're still highly emotional about her and the break up and you're using it as a guiding force for your decisions. If you had been NC, you wouldn't have pried about the "it was for the best" comment. You would've let sleeping dogs lie and let it go. I'm not judging you here because it's normal to ask for an elaboration to vague answers.

 

I read your situation and you have an addiction to recover from. I'm rooting for your healing! Yes, people deserve second chances. Even though it hasn't happened to me, I've seen it happen to loved ones. But it happened after they've let go and moved on.

 

Ohpenelope,

 

Thansk for your post. Deep down I know me confronting her will be no good. Especially since shes still probably highly emotional about our breakup. Bringing it up now will just make matters worse. As much as I want to get it off my chest I feel like I am not going to do it. Going no NC and waiting for her to contact me is the way to go. Because every since the breakup 2 months ago I have done nothing but apologize a million times and ask her to hang out. Shes never seen that side of me before. So she probably hasnt healed cuz I am still in contact with her. Its going to suck but its really the only thing I havent done is give her space.

[Graceful]

LS Friends,

 

I was looking for advice more on whether I should call or email her asking her if what I hear is true. I doubt she would admit it but even though were not together I feel its messed up to have sex with another guy at my work if she said she wanted to fix us after I stay clean for a while. Should I confront her or let her go?

Hi Nantucket,

I think you already know the answer to your question, but here's my take since you asked (sorry I wasn't here to see your question sooner).

 

Let it go. Listen to "Andrea" -- she said you could do better, and you probably can, after you get clean and sober. The fact of the matter is that no matter how much it hurts you that your ex started seeing another guy, you were broken up at the time, so it's not at all fair to accuse her of cheating. If it hurt you, that's understandable however, but you were already hurt prior to learning about this, so this just compounded it.

 

Use this as a "wake up" call, not a call to action. See this girl for who she is. She's not ready to settle down, she's not ready to make a commitment, she's got a lot of dating to get out of her system. She had a baby at a very young age, and she's still a kid herself, so she is going on with her life trying to have the dating experiences of other girls her age.

 

If you confront her, she will see you as weak and maybe even a little unhinged. You have to understand that even though you don't like what she's done, she's making her own choices and she has to live with those choices, even if they turn out to be mistakes, it's not for you to judge.

 

Let this go. Post in the Coping forum's "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread -- it's a great release of emotion. Just say what you want to say there and you can get a lot off your chest. Stay NC. We're all telling you the same thing. We would not steer you wrong. Now go out and enjoy your day, don't let "all this" stand in your way of having a day of sunshine. Give it a try. Take care.

[Nantucket1984]

Hi Nantucket,

I think you already know the answer to your question, but here's my take since you asked (sorry I wasn't here to see your question sooner).

 

Let it go. Listen to "Andrea" -- she said you could do better, and you probably can, after you get clean and sober. The fact of the matter is that no matter how much it hurts you that your ex started seeing another guy, you were broken up at the time, so it's not at all fair to accuse her of cheating. If it hurt you, that's understandable however, but you were already hurt prior to learning about this, so this just compounded it.

 

Use this as a "wake up" call, not a call to action. See this girl for who she is. She's not ready to settle down, she's not ready to make a commitment, she's got a lot of dating to get out of her system. She had a baby at a very young age, and she's still a kid herself, so she is going on with her life trying to have the dating experiences of other girls her age.

 

If you confront her, she will see you as weak and maybe even a little unhinged. You have to understand that even though you don't like what she's done, she's making her own choices and she has to live with those choices, even if they turn out to be mistakes, it's not for you to judge.

 

Let this go. Post in the Coping forum's "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread -- it's a great release of emotion. Just say what you want to say there and you can get a lot off your chest. Stay NC. We're all telling you the same thing. We would not steer you wrong. Now go out and enjoy your day, don't let "all this" stand in your way of having a day of sunshine. Give it a try. Take care.

 

Thanks Graceful. I know the right thing to do is not bring it up. And I wont. I will stick to NC. No one enjoys being led on and lied to. I guess this is my karma for lying to her. I was foolish to believe her words that she wanted to "fix" this after some clean time because in her words shes "still in love with me and has confidence."

[citrusdrop1688]

Look, I;m an addict in recovery and I have over 2 1/2 years clean and sober. You getting clean and sober should be the number one priority in your life. Your mind is completely clouded right now and your not seeing things how they really are. This is clear by the fact that you think she should be over it after seven weeks.

 

Its suggested that someone who is clean and sober to take one year to work on themselves before becoming distracted with a relationship. You need at least six months and that would give her time to really heal. You looked her in the eyes and lied to her, an addict who is lying about their addiction has no idea how painful that is for their loved ones.

 

You need to let her go and really work on yourself so that if she wants to try again you can be a healthy individual and actually give your relationship a real shot at working out.

 

She knows nothing has changed with you yet. I guarantee that she knows because your acting like an addict. Your trying to control her and force her to do something that shes not ready to do and when you didnt get your way you got angry about it. Which is the exact wrong way to act.

 

You ****ed up here, not her. You need to find some humility, accept what youve done and accept that there may be consequences for your actions. Addicts dont like to hear that. They are always convinced that they can manipulate a situation to turn out the way that they want it to. I promise you if you dont change she wont come back. shes gonna pick her child over someone acting crazy and using drugs then lying to her about it.

 

Your still lying to her about it. You need to get honest with yourself. Accept the situation for what it is and figure out how to deal with what your feeling without using pills.

[iceweasel6]

Yes. You do. And now, I'm going to actually read your story and give some relevant advice.

 

Point being, everyone deserves a second chance.

 

I like that! I'm reading your story as well. But I definitely second Reoreyh's comment.

[Nantucket1984]

Look, I;m an addict in recovery and I have over 2 1/2 years clean and sober. You getting clean and sober should be the number one priority in your life. Your mind is completely clouded right now and your not seeing things how they really are. This is clear by the fact that you think she should be over it after seven weeks.

 

Its suggested that someone who is clean and sober to take one year to work on themselves before becoming distracted with a relationship. You need at least six months and that would give her time to really heal. You looked her in the eyes and lied to her, an addict who is lying about their addiction has no idea how painful that is for their loved ones.

 

You need to let her go and really work on yourself so that if she wants to try again you can be a healthy individual and actually give your relationship a real shot at working out.

 

She knows nothing has changed with you yet. I guarantee that she knows because your acting like an addict. Your trying to control her and force her to do something that shes not ready to do and when you didnt get your way you got angry about it. Which is the exact wrong way to act.

 

You ****ed up here, not her. You need to find some humility, accept what youve done and accept that there may be consequences for your actions. Addicts dont like to hear that. They are always convinced that they can manipulate a situation to turn out the way that they want it to. I promise you if you dont change she wont come back. shes gonna pick her child over someone acting crazy and using drugs then lying to her about it.

 

Your still lying to her about it. You need to get honest with yourself. Accept the situation for what it is and figure out how to deal with what your feeling without using pills.

 

citrusdrop,

 

Wow....I totally agree with what you are saying. It all makes sense. One thing that doesnt make sense to me is this: I have spoken to wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends who are in a relationship with an addict or a loved one. Most of them supported there significant other. Now I know if I call my ex and talk about "my addiction" she would help. But she doesnt ask me if I am going to meeting, how my recovery is, do I need help with anything. In the last 2 months she may have asked me twice. My mind doesnt understand how you cant even ask those simple words if you supposedly "love" someone. I would never do that to her. Anyways, I would actually like to email you if you done mind. You may be able to help me since you have experience. Can I email you? Or can you email me? ([email protected])

 

Thanks,