1 and 1/2 month post break up with close working relationship.

[buranko]

Hi all,

 

i 1st posted on 10th of may. here is my story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278093/

 

Anyway, its been almost a month and a half now. both me and her work together in a small student organization planning for an event come August. I'm leading the team and she's kinda like my assistant chair-person.

 

From break up till now, i've maintained strict LC - NC unless she initiates.

 

But the conversations she initiates always is about the past.

 

for example:

 

1) do you remember that time we . . . . . . . i really enjoyed myself

 

2) do you remember that time we . . . . . . .

 

or

 

she'll ask me to do somethings that i use to do for her EG: sing her a song, cook for her.

 

if she requests for something for me to do such as this, i'll just kindly refuse. but i usually give short replies to her messages in general.

 

sometimes she'll tell me random things about her life in general.

 

But she blows hot and cold, i must say. there are days when we really ignore one another.

 

Because during work time, i try to be professional about it. i no longer joke with her, have fun around her. i just disappear right after working hours, and not hang out with the entire group of them.

 

she caught me alone last week and said " she hopes i'm not upset about taking on this leadership position although she was the one who encouraged me in the 1st place. she knows she's not my girlfriend now, but she wishes she can still be my trump card."

 

one thing led to another and i asked that its one month on already, and mutual friends have told me that although it appears she's unaffected, but she is also very upset our this break up. so is she happier and does she thinks she's better off without me. i mean if a break up was really for the best, then she should be happier and better off. she said she didn't know and told me not to ask her.

 

i said, you always talk about how it used to be, i know the feelings hasn't died, so i asked if she still thinks we wont work out. she said yes. so i told her to keep reminding herself that and keep convincing herself that thats the case. I said, i'm not even trying to convince her to like me, i'm just trying to tell her to be true to herself. And i ended that conversation.

 

I thought because of this conversation, things will get awkward, and we will break off all contact already. then that night, she started being very friendly again. next day as well.

 

then in recent days, cold again.

 

I dunno. i really am not over analyzing matters and am trying to put my event success over my own issues because i feel its my responsibility as leader. I'm always nonchalant around her, just fine with talking when she wants to talk.

 

i mean, its been 1 and a half month. I'm not needy or desperate. i gave her all the space she needed and wanted. i must admit, i been through a month like this, i know i can do it for another thousands of such months. but i do miss her sometimes. she's still the 1st thought and the last thought on my mind everyday.

 

i suppose my situation is alot better than those couples who fall out with one another and hates one another. how do i go about trying to date her again?

[wilsonx]

dont, work on yourself, not her, you should not have the need to want to date her again, you should just want to date her to date her...

 

right now you have this need to want to date her, its driving you crazy, and she will see that you are chasing at least subconsciously. you really need NC or you're never going to get better

[Duckduckgoose]

If she's blowing hot and cold on you, then she's stringing you along. She wants you as a side option in case she can't find anyone else.

 

Ditch her. Keep LC/NC as much as you can. I read how ya'll broke up. She's not worth it if you want more and she wants a "boy toy".

[buranko]

I know broke my heart once.

 

My guard is up.

 

I wont really tell her that i misses her etc.

 

But . . .

 

should i be trying to ask her out again? like maybe coffee and the likes? see where it goes from there? who knows what will happen if we start having fun with one another again right?

 

I'm not needing her, i do believe that the break-up was for the best, maybe even necessary. but there are 2 kinds of things that happen post break-up.

 

1) people get angry and hate 1 another. they carry on thinking that its not their fault and its the other party loss, without realizing that love thats 2 to clap and even if love breaks down, it is always caused by 2 parties.

 

2) people take this time out and reflect and realize that there are things that they can do to work out their love lives.

 

what i mean here is that, if me as a dumpee keep acting cold and reluctant to talk to her everytime she tries to open herself up to me. Am i sending out the wrong signals that i dont want anything to do with her anymore? i understand its a double edged thing, like maybe i'm just her emotional doormat, wanting to get comfortable until she is ready to move on. but can there never be a case where she really wants to slowly hang out with me again, but i always push her away?

 

can the blowing hot and cold towards me be due to me not responding to her the way she is hoping i'm responding to her?

[Badenov]

what i mean here is that, if me as a dumpee keep acting cold and reluctant to talk to her everytime she tries to open herself up to me. Am i sending out the wrong signals that i dont want anything to do with her anymore? i understand its a double edged thing, like maybe i'm just her emotional doormat, wanting to get comfortable until she is ready to move on. but can there never be a case where she really wants to slowly hang out with me again, but i always push her away?

 

can the blowing hot and cold towards me be due to me not responding to her the way she is hoping i'm responding to her?

 

Here's the important thing: You can't worry about what she's feeling. That is no longer you're problem. You need to concentrate on how you feel. A good response would be "I'd like to (get coffee, talk about your problems, etc), but that wouldn't be good for me right now." Let her know it's nothing personal, but you're main concern should be what's best for you.