Ex doesn't seem to want to let me go? Heelp??

[d'janiero]

Hey guys, I seriously need some help with this one. I can't seem to figure out my ex GFs behaviour, and its driving me crazy.

 

Here is the full story of how we broke up:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3452016#post3452016

 

Basically we were together for 3 years, great relationship, great chemistry, but she felt that we were more like best friends than a couple (I won't lie, she was like my best friend, but I always believed this was a good thing)

 

Anyway over the last 6 months we were together she was diagnosed with Cancer (luckilly was cured)

She broke up with my twice in the space of a month, and we havent been together for the past 4 weeks now.

 

Now heres where it gets comfusing.

I have made no effort to contact her since the split but she seems to always message me. I began to delete pics of us off my FB page and untag myself in other pics of us together (I found myself looking at them all the time and it made me upset, so I thought it would be a good idea to delete them)

She got extremely angry by this and insisted I did this because I have another woman...really not the case.

 

Since the split there have been times when we have also stayed on the phone speaking for like 3 hours, and she insists that I beautiful woman will sweet me off my feet soon, Its a blessing we're no longer together as I can now persue my career and move to another city instead of her holding me back.

Its almost as if she makes me feel as though it was me that ended the relationship.

 

We hooked up a few days ago to sort out some finances, and she ended up coming back to my house. One thing lead to another and we came close to being intimate, but nothing happened. However, her whole body language, i.e. hugging touching me etc really made me think WTF is going on.

 

We hung out the following day again, and ended back at my house. We jus watched TV hugging embracing each other etc, but no kissing and nothing happened.

 

I came to the realiation there and then as to how much I actually still loved her, and maybe being friends is not a good idea so close after the breakup.

We spoke for hours again later on after I dropped her home.

So this morning I was fast asleep and she messaged me to say she was going out on a day trip with her family (I was really close with her family and they have been extremely upset since the split).

Again we were talking for a while and she said she was going to ask me to come along with her and the family on the trip, but it was really short notice.

 

Guys I'm sooo confused as to where I stand/go from here. I wrote her a letter a few weeks back basically explaining how I was feeling about the whole breakup...didnt beg or plead....so she is fully aware about how I really feel about her.

She still says that she is attracted to me, and always compliments me on how I dress etc. Speaking of which, we exchanged clothes during the week, but there are some things she refuses to give me back and says shes keeping....not that I'm bothered. She even took back some of my clothes which she originally gave back me back, like hoodies?

 

And she refused to accept all her stuff which I had to give back to her insisting that I keep them as souvenirs.

 

I'm so confused as wo where I go from hear. I love this girl with all my heart...shes my world, but I dont want to pressure her by discussing the relationship as I don't wonna come across as a needy wussy dude.

 

So far her mum said that the reason se finished with me is because she loves me but is no longer in love with me...however my ex has never said this to my face....well not as such. She just said she needs to find herself and figure out what she wants to do with her life.

 

I know many would suggest going no contact, but would this be the best approach right now.

Also, how do you guys interpret her behaviour? Does she really not wonna let me go? Or is she just keeping me around until a new dude comes along?

 

Thanks

[wilsonx]

No contact is the best answer... I assure you... everytime I have to break no contact for legal reasons like breaking the lease and getting her signature... it just tears off the scab and the wound starts bleeding again

[sun_moon]

It sounds like she's very confused and doesnt want to let you go. You need to talk to her about the "friendship" and explain to her that its difficult and torturous to be in this sis

[sun_moon]

It sounds like she's very confused and doesn't want to let you go. You need to talk to her about the "friendship" and explain to her that its difficult and torturous to be in this situation, and she has to take your feelings into consideration.

 

You yourself have to decide, that if you have this talk with her, are you ready for her to possibly say "Well I still dont want to be in a r/s but if you cant be friends then I guess this is goodbye" ?

 

You have to decide if you are ok with nothing whatsoever and to start clean. I myself think being friends after a fresh break up is ridiculous, nearly impossible, and too painful.

 

If I were you, I would make a decision soon on what route to take, because being in the limbo friendship will sting you hard.

 

Speaking from experience, I regret agreeing to it. Needless to say we are no longer in contact mode.

[Finch]

Go no contact.

You love her and want to be with her. She doesn't want to be with you, but she wants the benefits of a relationship, like support and affection. Sounds like she's manipulating the situation to her benefit - she broke up with you but knows you still have feelings for her so she can continue to string you along as she pleases when she's feeling lonely. Continuing to have contact with her means you're hoping to reconcile, while to her it's just a stop-gap measure until she meets someone else.

[d'janiero]

No contact is the best answer... I assure you... everytime I have to break no contact for legal reasons like breaking the lease and getting her signature... it just tears off the scab and the wound starts bleeding again

 

I see your point. I'm really considering NC or LC right about now.

 

It sounds like she's very confused and doesnt want to let you go. You need to talk to her about the "friendship" and explain to her that its difficult and torturous to be in this sis

 

The thing is we have kinda discussed this. She did infact say to me that, if I ever feel that its too much for me, she'll gladly leave me alone.

She is only 20 (I'm 25) and she has never really been one to sit and discuss issues/feelings, she just gets on with things. I'm the opposite and prefer to discuss issues.

I agree in what your saying, but I just fear that if I say anything that it may push her away further.

The flip side to that is me staying around as a friend and deal with the torture.

 

As crazy as it sounds I feel as though I'm in a no win situation and I can't win either way i.e. if I stay friends its torture, but if I walk away, it would seriously hurt me, especially after everything we have been through as a couple...even recently battling cancer.

I think after seeing someone you love so dearly having to endure that amount of pain/suffering really makes you stop and think about life. As crazy as it sounds theres always a part of me that feels I have to look after her even at this stage where many would argue I don't owe her anything as she dumped me:(

[d'janiero]

Go no contact.

You love her and want to be with her. She doesn't want to be with you, but she wants the benefits of a relationship, like support and affection. Sounds like she's manipulating the situation to her benefit - she broke up with you but knows you still have feelings for her so she can continue to string you along as she pleases when she's feeling lonely. Continuing to have contact with her means you're hoping to reconcile, while to her it's just a stop-gap measure until she meets someone else.

 

Hey Finch, I see your point.

Without making excuses for her, I'm her first love and first ever boyfriend. So I feel shes acting this way as:

 

1. she has never been through a breakup before

2. shes being given bad advice from her friends who were jelous of what we had together.

 

She insists that she is not interesting in finding another man or dating, as I was her first love etc. But I tell her that its inevitable that she will meet someone at some stage, and I fear what will happen to me then if I stay in this friends zone

[EgoJoe]

She's confused and you need to go no contact. Her confusion is multi-faceted and you will not understand it until she figures it out and comes to you to explain. Which could happen but it also could not.

 

Your best bet for healing, reconciliation and emotional stability is to answer her next contact with, "I have no desire to be friends at this time, I have no desire to hear from you at this time. I will contact you if and when I am ready for a friendship. Should a long time pass without an overture from me feel free to see how I am doing in the next year or two."

 

Take it from someone who just got out of a VERY similar experience that you are going through (except long distance) with same ages, she's 21 almost 22 I'm 24 almost 25 etc. etc.

 

Doing this now will take back all of the power you have made a habit of giving her. Then, I want you to go to wikipedia and plug in Egocentrism and Emotional Manipulation. Click around a bit.

 

PM Homebrew for some older non-chauvenist holier-than-thou male advice.

 

PM TaraMaiden for some hardcore NC tough love.

 

You will be happy again someday and one day all of this will make sense.

 

(Do a quick search for "Push for closure" and look at that thread from me. It is an example of advice you should follow and what happens when you don't.)

Edited June 19, 2011 by EgoJoe
Post Info

[lalalandman]

Agree with Finch. Thing is, she's not going to make up her mind unless you make the decision to let her go completely. At this point, she doesn't have to make up her mind if she still has you around. If she tries hitting you up for whatever reason, respectfully ignore her. Only if she wants to have "a talk" in person should you consider replying. That's really the only indication that she may want to work things out. So anything else, just ignore.

[d'janiero]

She's confused and you need to go no contact. Her confusion is multi-faceted and you will not understand it until she figures it out and comes to you to explain. Which could happen but it also could not.

 

Your best bet for healing, reconciliation and emotional stability is to answer her next contact with, "I have no desire to be friends at this time, I have no desire to hear from you at this time. I will contact you if and when I am ready for a friendship. Should a long time pass without an overture from me feel free to see how I am doing in the next year or two."

 

Take it from someone who just got out of a VERY similar experience that you are going through (except long distance) with same ages, she's 21 almost 22 I'm 24 almost 25 etc. etc.

 

Doing this now will take back all of the power you have made a habit of giving her. Then, I want you to go to wikipedia and plug in Egocentrism and Emotional Manipulation. Click around a bit.

 

PM Homebrew for some older non-chauvenist holier-than-thou male advice.

 

PM TaraMaiden for some hardcore NC tough love.

 

You will be happy again someday and one day all of this will make sense.

 

(Do a quick search for "Push for closure" and look at that thread from me. It is an example of advice you should follow and what happens when you don't.)

 

Thanks for the response EgoJoe...I'll check out the posts etc.

Funny you should mention Homebrew, as I've been reading alot of his threads. I can relate to alot of stuff him and the others said. For instance, when I first got with this girl, I had not so long graduated, I got a good crew of friends, basically had my own life. I wasnt ever cocky or a bad guy to her, but I was confident.....say if we got into arguements, I'd say my peace and walk away.....and she'd always be the one to chase after me asking me not to leave and sort it out. Also when I finished with her about 5 months agao, she was pleading with me to take her back, which I did after a week.

However, looking back now, I think maybe I turned into too much of I nice guy, as in I basically dropped whatever I was meant to be doing all the time to hang out with her, even more so when she was diagnosed with cancer.

So maybe this is why she has fallen out of love with me, and I kinda blame myself in a way.

 

Being 100% honest, I simply havent got the guts go fully go NC on her mainly because of what we've just been through with the cancer and shes a huge part of my life....i.e. we're both close to each others families and friends.

Part of me does feel that she is going through the Grass Is Greener On The Other Side Syndrome. She contradicts herself sooo much at times. Maybe its just me, but I dont understand how someone can fall out of love with their partner to still be very attracted to them:S??

But I guess your right, unless she figures out the issues herself, I guess I havent got a chance in hell.

How did you handle your situation, just go full NC?

 

 

Agree with Finch. Thing is, she's not going to make up her mind unless you make the decision to let her go completely. At this point, she doesn't have to make up her mind if she still has you around. If she tries hitting you up for whatever reason, respectfully ignore her. Only if she wants to have "a talk" in person should you consider replying. That's really the only indication that she may want to work things out. So anything else, just ignore.

 

Hey lalalandman,

the first time she split up with me she did the same thing i.e. hitting me up all the time. But when I ignored her or didnt respond for hours she got really angry and said she couldnt believe I was acting like this after 3 years, and said I was immature.....anyone would have thought I cheated on you but I have done nothing wrong.

I'm a cool guy, and always willing to help others etc, so ignoring her now seems to be pretty impossible for me....I mean I never respond quickly when she hits me up. And she seems to get annoyed when I call her homie or buddy etc when we're messaging each other....strange.

But I see your point somethings gotta give as shes getting the best of both worlds

[Exit]

Kinda in the same boat as you. I got dumped in March yet I've been in touch with my ex ever since. I've made it perfectly clear that I have no interest in just being friends, and I tell her that by her still coming around it makes me think we could get back together. She openly says she is still reconsidering things and trying to come to a rational decision. But I've already wasted 3 months doing this and I don't want my entire summer to be spent this way. We're doing our own thing this weekend and I told her Friday before she left "go enjoy yourself, but when you get back we gotta decide". Will she blow it off again and still say she can't decide? Probably. Will I keep letting it happen? Hopefully not.

 

It is very hard, when you aren't the one who wanted the relationship to end in the first place, to tell them to go away and leave you alone. It's not fair, they are the ones who wanted to break up, they should have to bear the burden of being the mean one and turning down our offers to meet up and talk and see each other, not the other way around.

 

But I know by being available to her she has probably lost all sense of urgency in this situation, there's no reason to hurry because she sees how much I love her.

 

My ex seems very confused as well, sends mixed signals, can't tell you how many times over these 3 months she's said "no this is it for good" and then we're back to seeing each other two days later and she's saying she's not ready to decide yet.

 

I think the painful reality is if she's still not ready to decide on Sunday or Monday when we talk, I'm gonna have to go NC.

[d'janiero]

Sorry to hear your going through a similar experience Exit. Its an awful place to be isn't it?

I've been going through this for just under a month (and its killing me), so I can only imagine what you must be going through after 3 months.

 

I think one of the advantages you have is that your ex says she is still thinking about it, where as mine seems to have made her mind up but won't let me go.

 

That said, my female friends always say to me, and I have read about it alot on dating forums "don't listen to what women say, but watch what they do"

 

What were your exes reasons for ending the relationship?

 

It is very hard, when you aren't the one who wanted the relationship to end in the first place, to tell them to go away and leave you alone. It's not fair, they are the ones who wanted to break up, they should have to bear the burden of being the mean one and turning down our offers to meet up and talk and see each other, not the other way around.

 

 

I totally agree with you on this. My ex did this for about the first week after she finished with me. But after I sent her a letter explaining how I really felt, she kind of crumbled and said she simply couldnt just cut me out her life.

But part of me wished she did, and acted more like a bitch towards me, as going into NC mode would be so much easier for me to do.

[EgoJoe]

Grow the balls and do it.

[sun_moon]

Something made her decide that she no longer wants this relationship, and her confusion and love for you is just tearing you to shreds.

 

Something also made her decide its ok to keep hanging out with you and being "friends'-that was YOU. Stop enabling her negative behavior, stop giving her the reason not to feel the sense of urgency, sadness, grieving, etc, how can she feel the immensity of the breakup of you let her be with you?

She is being selfish and wants the bond and companionship without the hard work/dedication/relationship, is that what you really want?

 

Its time for you to be selfish, say to yourself (NOT HER), I love you but I must let you go, because apparently you cant make the decision to. You have made the decision to end this relationship, you no longer want me, and I dont want to be with someone who does not want me, friendship is NOT AN OPTION.

 

While you THINK you don't have the strength to go NC, you must find it, believe in yourself and begin executing this in your life.

 

Directions to NC: This is the first and hardest step to gaining your happiness and life back, follow it:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3464095#post3464095

[betterdeal]

Buy and read, Getting Past Your Breakup. Maybe buy her a copy too. Hell, read the guide I wrote and that is in my signature too!

[d'janiero]

Something made her decide that she no longer wants this relationship, and her confusion and love for you is just tearing you to shreds.

!

 

Tearing me to shreds to say the least. Shes contradicted herself so many times as to why she finished with me. Its only now that we're in this "friends zone" that she has began to open up a lil more, and explain her reasons, but not fully.

 

 

Something also made her decide its ok to keep hanging out with you and being "friends'-that was YOU. Stop enabling her negative behavior, stop giving her the reason not to feel the sense of urgency, sadness, grieving, etc, how can she feel the immensity of the breakup of you let her be with you?

She is being selfish and wants the bond and companionship without the hard work/dedication/relationship, is that what you really want?

 

I can't argue with any of that. I guess it takes two in all of this, and I don't seem to be making matters any better by being there at her beck and call.

 

Its time for you to be selfish, say to yourself (NOT HER), I love you but I must let you go, because apparently you cant make the decision to. You have made the decision to end this relationship, you no longer want me, and I dont want to be with someone who does not want me, friendship is NOT AN OPTION.

 

I havent got a selfish bone in my body (I wish I did at times), but I know what I have to do to take control of the situation.

 

While you THINK you don't have the strength to go NC, you must find it, believe in yourself and begin executing this in your life.

 

Directions to NC: This is the first and hardest step to gaining your happiness and life back, follow it:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3464095#post3464095

 

 

I really don't think I have the strength to go NC, but things really cant continue the way they are, so I don't have much choice. I'm gonna have to find the strength and energy from somewhere.

 

Thanks for the link, Ive read it before, but I'll read it again:)

What have your experiences been like with doing NC in the past?

I did it before with my last GF....and tbh, it took me about 2.5 years before I was able to meet her face to face, i.e. when I was finally over her.

I feel alot more for my current ex, and love her a whole lot more than my previous ex, so I'm really fearful of how bad going NC is going to be this time around.

 

Buy and read, Getting Past Your Breakup. Maybe buy her a copy too. Hell, read the guide I wrote and that is in my signature too!

 

Thanks I'll take a look

Edited June 19, 2011 by d'janiero

[wilsonx]

She's confused and you need to go no contact. Her confusion is multi-faceted and you will not understand it until she figures it out and comes to you to explain. Which could happen but it also could not.

 

Your best bet for healing, reconciliation and emotional stability is to answer her next contact with, "I have no desire to be friends at this time, I have no desire to hear from you at this time. I will contact you if and when I am ready for a friendship. Should a long time pass without an overture from me feel free to see how I am doing in the next year or two."

 

Take it from someone who just got out of a VERY similar experience that you are going through (except long distance) with same ages, she's 21 almost 22 I'm 24 almost 25 etc. etc.

 

Doing this now will take back all of the power you have made a habit of giving her. Then, I want you to go to wikipedia and plug in Egocentrism and Emotional Manipulation. Click around a bit.

 

PM Homebrew for some older non-chauvenist holier-than-thou male advice.

 

PM TaraMaiden for some hardcore NC tough love.

 

You will be happy again someday and one day all of this will make sense.

 

(Do a quick search for "Push for closure" and look at that thread from me. It is an example of advice you should follow and what happens when you don't.)

 

holy **** egojoe... emotional manipulation simon view was my girlfriend to a ****ING T

[d'janiero]

How did you deal with your situation Wilsonx? simply go NC?

[wilsonx]

Well to tell you the truth, i have failed with NC. Her and I were so close that we are not use to being apart and its hard on me. I had one whole day on her and I laid down boundaries on Friday that she needs to give me my space and time to heal. Out of the blue today she sent me a text that said happy fathers day. (I dont have any kids). I was furious... I demanded that she respected my boundaries and give me space and time to heal.

 

She responded " Fine, Ill stop being nice. Good Day" LOL Ive known her for 3 years shes never said good day.

 

If she doesn't im going to change my number on friday when i get a new phone.

 

You have to go no contact , it just sucks if you dont, i hate my life right now because i cant get space to heal myself

[sun_moon]

What have your experiences been like with doing NC in the past?

I did it before with my last GF....and tbh, it took me about 2.5 years before I was able to meet her face to face, i.e. when I was finally over her.

I feel alot more for my current ex, and love her a whole lot more than my previous ex, so I'm really fearful of how bad going NC is going to be this time around.

Thanks I'll take a look

 

The good news is, this isnt your first break up, and you are very familiar with the past, which means you can expect what crappy emotions and actions you are going through, which means you can proactively try to rebuild.

 

If you know you are depressed or are going to be because of this immense break up, seek help/exercise/pick up new hobbies/etc. to keep your emotions in check. Physical exercise releases endorphins which make you feel better emotionally, the same affects that anti-depressants have.

 

NC is very difficult but you have to accept before anything that its truly over,for you to be able to go NC, or at least try to do it and want to work at it.

 

I promise you, everyone on LS who has done NC can tell you, that it takes a lot of hard work and repeated efforts to get it right, but it doesn't mean you give up if you break NC, you just dust yourself off, and begin again, a little stronger, a little more convicted, with all your dignity in tact.

Even the great established members on here who have great advice and are so wise, at some point, did NC and probably fell a few times, but it doesnt mean they stopped, and now they are telling you how great it is, and the benefits from it from first hand experience.

 

I am in NC, is it perfect? No. Have I failed a few times? Yes, more than twice. I can tell you it was because I responded to him reaching out (which has been once a week), it hasn't been me initiating it. Am I angry at myself for breaking it and turning it to LC? Yes. I make sure I do damage control, and keep it short/sweet/business like and divulge no information about myself. Even though I've fallen off the bandwagon a couple of times doesn't mean I give up, I try again, and go on. Why? Because I truly want to heal and be happy.

 

You will know when you are at that point, I can tell you are not, but you will eventually have enough, the **** will hit the fan, and you will find yourself in a situation where you are forced into making a better decision and going NC.

 

I can tell you after the first week of NC (which by far is the hardest step), you feel the affects of it working, you find yourself functional throughout the day, and your emotions are over all in check.

After that, it just gets easier, and you will begin to recognize yourself again.

 

Its a process. You have to want it.

[betterdeal]

Change. Your. Phone. Number.