Another emotional affair?

[Jennifer26]

About six years ago when my husband was a college student he had what I felt was an emotional affair with a classmate. It started out with them doing a paper together. At first I thought nothing of it but saw some of their conversations and they seemed a bit flirty. I put it out of my mind, until they went out for drinks a couple of times (to work on their paper), started having lunches, texting... red flags started going off for me that this was becoming too close for comfort. He talked about her all of the time as well, telling me how nice and funny she was.

 

It almost ended our marriage, because when I put the ultimatum to him that he either stopped contacting her outside of class or I would leave he flipped out.

 

We've had many conversations over the years about what happened and I thought he was clear on my position when it comes to having friends of the opposite sex. Apparently not.

 

He began working last February after years of being unemployed (to finish school.) Starting about a month ago he began telling me about this woman he works with. She's intelligent, funny and they get along. Great.. nothing about this worries me. Starting about a couple of weeks ago I noticed they were texting each other and going out to lunch almost on a daily basis. I confronted him about this and he said there is absolutely nothing to worry about, she has a boyfriend (though she's been divorced twice) and they just get along so well because she has a similar sense of humor and is an ally in the office.

 

Last week he bought me flowers (he's been buying them for me every week all of a sudden, not normal for him) and mentioned she was with him when he was buying them. They were walking around a farmers market and having lunch. Okay, he's buying flowers for me in front of her - clearly this is a good sign that he is happy with me and she knows it.

 

A week ago they became facebook friends. They've been posting on each others walls everyday. She posted a picture of him holding the flowers he purchased and joked he must be in the dog house (he was sticking out his lower lip in the pic as well.) Also, they've been doing office pranks on each other all week and posting about these.

 

She also told him how mad she was someone had tagged her in some facebook pics. I looked at these pics and she's bending over, and wearing a halter top that shows her midriff. They were sexy pics, and she's showing him these.

 

I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach. I don't have it in me to fight this time. I also don't want to confront him too much because at this point he is telling me most of this stuff and I know the moment I do confront him that will stop. Texts will be erased, etc. And since they work together and interact there I will never know.

 

I'm so angry and bottling this up inside. What would you do in my shoes?

[Jennifer26]

Another thing that makes this difficult is he is being honest with me and not concealing anything. He's also been very affectionate, buying flowers, sending me texts he loves me, wanting to have sex often.

 

It's confusing me. If he was being distant and cold it would be a no brainer for me but it seems he's being MORE affectionate lately.

[Afishwithabike]

Those things would definitely make me uncomfortable.

 

The workplace is the new affair gateway. It's so easy to start a close friendship with someone at work. You start working on projects together, you spend several hours a day in close proximity, you eat lunch together, you tease, you laugh, you find each other intellectually stimulating. Then one day when you're having a bad day you start telling her/him about what your spouse said or did, they sympathize and pretty soon you start confiding even more in them. Before you know it, you're in a full blown emotional affair which may lead to a physical affair. Very few people go into affairs thinking they are going to cheat on their significant other. It usually starts off with very close interaction where a bond is formed between the two people.

 

That's why it's so, so important to establish and maintain boundaries with work friends of the opposite sex. It sounds like your husband has very poor boundaries with this woman. She's flirting with him. Flirting is an invitation to do more.

 

I've worked in the private sector and the public sector. Many of my friends at work are men. I work in a male dominated field. We occasionally have lunch, but not daily, and often if we go to lunch it's with other people from the office. We don't text each other and we're not Facebook friends who interact daily on FB. A friendly business conversation is over as soon we've discussed work matters. Texting, unless it's necessary for work, is unnecessary.

 

I wish I had some good advice for you about what to do. I wanted to tell you that you're not overreacting. So far it sounds like nothing physical has happened, but it's a slippery slope.

[Kivu]

If you want you can look at my past posting history and see how I handled it. Things have been so much better since I put a stop to this sort of behaviour.

 

I can see why you don’t want to fight this. It’s exhausting, and you will feel bad (of course it’s entirely innocent and they’re just friends and he can have friends can’t he?), and if you’ve already been through it before you probably don’t want to again.

 

But as long as he’s still talking to her and seeing her as often as he is you will probably be driven crazy by suspicion and you’ll have to be on edge all the time every time he sees her. You’ll wonder what they’re doing and saying, and you may sneak around trying to find out what is going on. That’s what I did for about four months. It’s not nice.

 

I’m a pretty direct person, though. If I thought his behaviour was unreasonable, I would say.

 

I said, “If she has a boyfriend why is she spending so much time with you.”

I said, “I don’t think the topics that you talk about are appropriate between friends.”

I said, “You dress up to go out with her, but not with me. Why?”

I said, “You get too close to her when you talk to her and you flirt with her and I don’t like it.”

 

We had many arguments about this, four months’ worth of arguments. Eventually I gave the “her or me” speech and since then things have been great. Sometimes he gives me a guilt trip about not being her friend anymore, but **** her, and **** him.

 

What’s funny is he would try to be sweet to me too. He would dress up and go out with her and come back and be all happy and nice and loving. That really made me feel mixed up – but I think it was a deliberate ploy on his part. Like, maybe if he is nice to me, I won’t be upset that he went out with someone else. Didn’t work. Don’t let this fool you, he knows what he’s doing. It’s manipulative.

 

If I were you I’d take him aside and say that you saw the pictures and they were sexy. You aren’t comfortable with this and given past history you are disappointed that he would start another inappropriate friendship. Remind him about how it almost ended your marriage, and say that if this continues you can see the whole pattern replaying. Tell him you want him to be a co-worker and not a friend to her.

 

If he tells you (and he probably will) that he can have friends other than you, say that he can have any friend he likes as long as he doesn’t flirt with them and they don’t send him sexy pictures and that this inappropriate behaviour stops now.

 

If he says they’re co-workers, he can’t just stop seeing her, say fine. They can be co-workers as much as they like, and he should be polite to her as a co-worker. Everything that doesn’t have to do with work stops now. No more flirting, no more texting, no more Facebook. It’s inappropriate and you won’t be disrespected any more.

 

I really think you should do something, and soon...trust me, I know about being reluctant to rock the boat, but after you make your position clear you will feel so much better.

[Jennifer26]

Kivu - you were so right about feeling better after talking to him and making my position clear.

 

My original plan was to wait things out, see if things became even more inappopriate and then say something. But I was angry and I think waiting would have led to me exploding like a volcano on him.

 

I decided to nip this in the bud now. So I went to him, and explained to him how what was going on made me uncomfortable. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and told him I do not think that he is trying to be inappropriate, but that this type of relationship with the opposite sex is just one that can quickly lead to developing feelings - no matter who the people involved are. I said I am sure he has the best intentions, and I understand she is "fun" to be around and breaks up everyday monotony at the office.

 

I asked how he might feel if a semi attractive man from my office and me were going out to lunches, texting, facebooking, etc. He admitted it might make him feel a little iffy, but quicky added that he would overcome these feelings because he trusts me.

 

I countered that I do trust him, but that this is not a trust issue. That this is something fundamental that I believe is a boundary that should not be crossed for any couple. That I love him very much and the most devistating thing I can imagine is experiencing an affair in our marriage. That I think couples should take great procautions to avoid things that can lead to affairs, like becoming too friendly with a member of the opposite sex.

 

He did argue that my opinion is antiquated, and that men and women can be platonic friends. I said I agree they can, when they are single, or when both spouses are comfortable - but that I simply am not and will not be and that these are my beliefs and views on marriage.

 

In the end, he said that even though he disagrees with me on my position that I am far more important to him than she is and that if it makes me feel bad he will not meet up with this woman for lunch one on one any more. He told me no woman could ever measure up to me or take him away from me, and said he'd go do a headstand in the driveway to prove his love to me. He was being a little too silly and smiley towards the end and part of me thinks he likes that I am feeling a little jealous.

 

I do hope he took this seriously though, because if he does not follow up on what he promised I will be one very unhappy wife.

[Afishwithabike]

I think that's a good start.

 

He needs to stop the daily Facebook interactions too and the texting.

 

What did he say about those things?

[whichwayisup]

I asked how he might feel if a semi attractive man from my office and me were going out to lunches, texting, facebooking, etc. He admitted it might make him feel a little iffy, but quicky added that he would overcome these feelings because he trusts me.

 

Hmm, of course he is going to say that, yet he quickly added that he would overcome the feelings because he trusts you .. Way for him to deflect and minimize how you feel..

 

Look, the bottomline is, they are in daily contact A LOT during the day. Texting, seeing eachother lunch, flower shopping (sadly, my guess is, he gave her some flowers too, otherwise why on earth would she be holding YOUR flowers! Think about that for a second..) and now on facebook.

 

Maybe nothing physical has happened, but there IS a connection between them and he's putting himself in a situation that something could happen .. Already he cares about her, is obviously emotionally attached to her. He's defensive and isn't wanting to end things with her. You say your sex life is good too .. Well, (sorry to say this) but if you find him hornier than usual, then he is attracted to her and in some sense, directing that energy into your sex life.

 

You want to know how close they are on some level? INVITE her to dinner and watch them. Watch for looks, reactions, body language.. Nervousness, or any uncomfortableness. You will know immediately if there's something questionable going on between them. Ask him to invite her for dinner and see what he says, how he reacts. If she is such a good friend and nothing is going on, then she should get to know you as well and BOTH of you can hang out with her. Right?

 

Anyway, listen to your gut.

[Jennifer26]

It's funny you should mention the meeting her thing because my husband tried to arrange that this past weekend.

 

He invited her to come to my brothers wedding reception. Granted this was an informal pool side reception, but I was pretty livid when he announced he had invited her to come because he did not discuss it with me first. He did ask me if he could invite a male friend of his the week before the reception, and this friend of his has been to many of our family functions so I said of course he could invite him. He assumed that meant he could invite this female work friend as well apparently.

 

She never showed up. She sent him a text saying she was out of town and finished with a "sorry hun" in the text.

 

On the 4th of July we were having a BBQ and swimming with some friends and family. He went and posted on his Facebook there would be another party and to let him know if anyone wanted the address. Again, he did not discuss this with me first and he has never used facebook in the past to make plans. I am fairly certain he was hoping she would see it and want to come.

 

Is it odd that he would WANT her to be around me if he is attracted to her? I feel conflicted about this one.

[musemaj11]

You should do what those men in saudi arabia do to their women. Lock him up inside the house and don't let him go anywhere without your permission. Lol

[Jennifer26]

You should do what those men in saudi arabia do to their women. Lock him up inside the house and don't let him go anywhere without your permission. Lol

 

I was discussing the situation with a good friend the other day, who insists I need to get more assertive and spell things out for my husband.

 

She is probably right, but the thing is, I just am tired. This has been a pattern in our marriage and I am at the point where I just figure he is either going to cheat, or not. And if so, maybe it's better it happens now rather than 10-15-20 years down the road when my youth is gone.

 

We've been down this road before. I've threatened divorce over a previous EA. I've given ultimatums, cried, explained, and still he chooses to seek attention and friendship from other women.

[whichwayisup]

It's funny you should mention the meeting her thing because my husband tried to arrange that this past weekend.

 

He invited her to come to my brothers wedding reception. Granted this was an informal pool side reception, but I was pretty livid when he announced he had invited her to come because he did not discuss it with me first. He did ask me if he could invite a male friend of his the week before the reception, and this friend of his has been to many of our family functions so I said of course he could invite him. He assumed that meant he could invite this female work friend as well apparently.

 

She never showed up. She sent him a text saying she was out of town and finished with a "sorry hun" in the text.

 

On the 4th of July we were having a BBQ and swimming with some friends and family. He went and posted on his Facebook there would be another party and to let him know if anyone wanted the address. Again, he did not discuss this with me first and he has never used facebook in the past to make plans. I am fairly certain he was hoping she would see it and want to come.

 

Is it odd that he would WANT her to be around me if he is attracted to her? I feel conflicted about this one.

 

Ahh the more people around, the safer he'll feel. Hello, what about just inviting her to dinner and having you meet her? Talk about totally inappropriate to invite to wedding party, informal or not, that was just .. weird! Red Flag!

 

The problem is, you threaten and don't follow it up with actions. He knows this too and hasn't suffered any real consquences so therefore he won't change his ways.

[nyc_guy2003]

Based on personal experiences, I can probably guess that this guy will never have any real interest in having sex with this girl, but he definitely enjoys the attention. In fact the attention he's getting from her is probably driving his testosterone level, hence the renewed passion for you. And yes, his changing social behavior (ie. posting about parties on fb) is most likely a direct result of trying to impress her. So I guess this "relationship" has positive and negative implications for your marriage, but again based on personal experiences I would say his heart is there for you but his brain is focused on her.

[princessmermaid]

I hear so clearly the pain and worry you are carrying over the progression you see between your husband and his friend. It is a difficult situation to be in, especially given the expectations our society invests in us as to what an ideal relationship "should" be.

 

But let me offer another point of view. An unpopular one, but perhaps a useful one.

 

Your husband sounds like a wonderful person. He thinks of you. He talks to you openly and honestly. He demonstrates his bond to you when he's around his friend (buying you flowers). He is quick and eager to reassure you of how much he loves you.

 

There is a type of person out there (and they're not rare) that thrives in long-term relationships when they get excitement from the outside somewhere. Note that your sex has been great, that he has been happy. It seems to me that what he's doing is gathering happiness and sexual energy in the world outside and bringing it home to you. When there is trust enough that he can keep boundaries and stay honest to you, this is a situation that may benefit you wonderfully. Your husband sounds like someone who has that amazing ability to stay committed to you year after year without suffering the slow death to boredom and romantic despair that is (forgive me, but it's true) the very hallmark of long-term monogamy.

 

Imagine it this way: You are married to Ponce De Leon. He's found the fountain of youth for relationships, and he's crazy about you and wants to share it with you, you, you. Trust him and you may stay infatuated and lusty your whole lives. Lucky you!

 

But also unlucky you, because something is frightening you and holding you back from this dream. Indeed, it seems like something is frightening you so much that you'd cut the head off this fountain and shame this joy-bringing man into settling for a life of lesser happiness. That is unfortunate. But to my mind, it is not an indication that he is wrong. It is an indication that you are hurt. I wonder: Is there something in your past that has hurt you in a way to make abandonment particularly fearful? Or has someone important in your past been deceitful or betraying toward you? Has someone in your past ignored your needs, or used you to further their own needs? If so, some counseling may help you get past the apparent deep-set insecurity that traps you into needing to trap your husband.

 

It seems to me that your husband is striving toward greater joy and togetherness WITH YOU. You are striving toward safety--not joy, and not togetherness. Please think on this. You will not be happy as a couple unless you are both happy. And without happiness as a couple, your security is very much in question.

 

I like whichwayisup's suggestion to invite her to dinner. Often, the threat of a possible rival is much scarier in our minds than it is when we face it in person. Chances are, this woman will respect you and your place in his life, will not be actively trying to lure him away, and your husband will cherish you and feel great for your acceptance of his flirty friendships--and therefore of him.

 

Whatever you do, though, keep talking and being honest--him about his feelings for her, you about your insecurity, and both of you about the deep love that keeps you two striving for closeness in spite of your mismatch on this one issue.

[Dust]

She said “sorry hun” in a txt? That’s pretty informal and cozy for platonic work friends. We live in a world where men and women have to get along. You can’t just go to work and refuse to talk to any women. It really helps to have platonic women friends. The thing is you lose all those benefits and just add drama to your life if you have no boundaries with your platonic opposite sex friends. First when I think of a platonic opposite sex friend the greatest example that comes to mind would be couples me and my girlfriend are friends with. Like through the couple I’m friends with my gf’s friends. I’m also friends with my guy friends wives and gf’s. The thing is I’m not going to have private lunches and inappropriate facebook back and forth’s with my gf’s friends or my friends gf’s etc. It’s all going to be within boundaries. If I txt them it will be for a specific reason not just to say hi or flirt or ask some inconsequential question. I’m not going to be talking about how great they are and out having a good time and be inviting them to stuff. If I’m friends with a girl at work sure maybe we will have lunch together but I really would feel more comfortable with other people around. I mean I wouldn’t want to give her the wrong idea or put myself in a drama filled nothing to gain situation.

 

When you asked your husband how would he like it if you were doing it to him, and he answer “I’d be fine.” He was full of crap. That is besides the point though. Really the question should be what if I was disrespecting you and you were upset about it, how would you like it if I just dismissed your feelings?

 

Bottom line he is having an emotional affair which is cheating and will lead to a physical affair if unchecked. Personally I feel if it is just an emotional affair and I felt my partner would stop I could forgive and forget. Even if it just stayed at the emotional affair level and I knew it would I would have to leave. Seriously I’m not in a relationship so I can watch my partner flirt and go on date like situations with the opposite sex. There needs to be a certain separation in opposite sex friends when in a relationship. If you’re not in a relationship go wild have sleep overs and just call each other “friends.” Heck have a “friend” who you just happen to have sex with.

 

Bottom line it doesn’t matter if she has a boyfriend or is a nun. Even if she was a nun and was flirting with him on fb and going out on date like situations and being invited places by him it would be inappropriate. A nun wouldn’t hang out with a man like that but you get the point. He’s using the fact that she has a bf as some kind of proof its all innocent. All it proves is she is a crappy gf. He is being a bad husband. It’s not about if he would be cool with you going out and having lunchs and inviting random men over to hang with you guys. It’s about the fact that its killing you and he could care less. Just say that you’re breaking me and you don’t care. What if I was torturing you and you wanted me to stop but I didn’t care. It’s not about how he supposedly thinks he would hypothetically act which he is lying about. It’s about how he would want to be treated if he was in your situation and miserable about what he is doing.

 

I’m curious do you have some special male friends who you hang out with a lone. Go drinking with, or have long fb/email/txt/phone/aim what ever conversations with? If you do then you’re a hypocrite if not just say I’m no asking you to do anything I’m not doing. Really whats the point of being married if you can for lack of a better word just go date?

[Snowflower]

 

I was discussing the situation with a good friend the other day, who insists I need to get more assertive and spell things out for my husband.

 

She is probably right, but the thing is, I just am tired. This has been a pattern in our marriage and I am at the point where I just figure he is either going to cheat, or not. And if so, maybe it's better it happens now rather than 10-15-20 years down the road when my youth is gone.

 

We've been down this road before. I've threatened divorce over a previous EA. I've given ultimatums, cried, explained, and still he chooses to seek attention and friendship from other women.

 

Jennifer, read your own post to yourself over and over again. You know what you need to do. You know that you don't (for good reason) want to live the rest of your life like this.

 

Your instincts are screaming at you right now that something is wrong, once again, in your marriage.

 

What are you going to do about it?

 

It's not a matter of controlling your husband, but rather a matter of controlling what YOU will put up with. You have a choice...and so does your husband. You have the choice to either live with his current behavior or draw your line in the sand about what is acceptable to you. Your husband also has a choice...he can continue to do as he pleases with regard to other female friends, or he can work with you to establish boundaries.

 

Make sense?

[keepsmilin74]

Sorry for your situation, Jennifer26. I've had similar issues over the last 8 years (13 years married, together 20 years since highschool) and I sympathise. After being together so long, we didn't realise we'd grown apart and made rife ground for emotional affairs, jealousy, insecurity and anger.

 

How it went on for so long is because we just didn't KNOW how to deal with it. The good news is it's not too late to fix things. Amazingly, it's not even hard! We've found LS and can now learn the vocabulary we need to address this properly. It has helped us a lot, I can tell you! My husband and I are happier about each other every day, more than we have been the last 8 years, I have my best friend back

 

- read other people's threads about emotional affairs (you probably have read already, but just want to mention it for completeness)

 

- have a proper talk about your boundaries. Do this when you are both calm and relaxed, and have time to sit down to go through all your issues.

(Might not work for some, and others actually advise against it, but I prefer specifics. I made a list of things that bothered me and told him what I would have preferred to happen in those scenarios! Yes, I went back through all those years. I wanted to get it over with in one go rather than rehashing it (again) over and over if/when we have arguments in future.)

 

- these are a couple of links you should get your husband to read:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...9_friends.html

http://www.cheatingways.com/just-fri...tional-affair/

 

- I've also ordered His Needs Her Needs:

http://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-...9315349&sr=1-1

it is recommended in just about every second thread in LS lol you might want to get on it too. My husband got the audiobook and is going through it too.

 

- from the "policy of undivided attention" at marriagebuilders, we're taking 40minute walks EVERY night after dinner just to chat and I believe this is the MAIN thing that has drawn us together to heal the past 8 years. Shocking in hindsight how we were only talking maybe 5 minutes a day before this, no wonder we had grown apart!!!

 

So for us, it boiled down to: spend time together EVERY day, talk to each other for at least an hour EVERY day. How easy is that! Yet it was also SO easy to miss, and not too many people would have told a young couple this simple rule. Maybe people think it's obvious and simple, everyone knows it...

 

Goodluck to you and keep us updated

[Minnie09]

Trying to make the M stronger and communicating more and better sure sounds good, but it needs two persons to make that project a successful one. Jennifer's H doesn't seem too interested in committing to make the M stronger. He enjoys the thrill and the high and the ego-boost, even though he's put his W through that same hell before. He knows he hurts her. She told him. However, his priorities are different. He's a sucker for this OW and the secret emotional intimacy she gives him, the nicknames she calls him and all that. For him, that's way more interesting than making an effort to build an A-proof M. He knows what he's doing is wrong, and as long as he doesn't feel his W's pain, he won't change. I believe he doesn't even want to feel her pain, avoids taking a closer look, and continues whatever he is doing. He's selfish. He's been there done that. There were no consequences. So why change anything?

[keepsmilin74]

It's possible he doesn't know - partners can be really blind to your hurt (and that ADDS to the hurt, I know.) I didn't mean to make it sound TOO easy to fix like he'll turn around overnight. We had MANY fights around exactly that "how could you NOT know?" etc etc

 

And consequences, yes, those have to be discussed. It took seriously detailing what would happen in a separation. I tried not to make it an ultimatum, I just laid it out as a FACT that this is the alternative. Tried to avoid blaming or angry finger pointing.

 

It was painful but that's what it took... Our issues went on for 8 years afterall! But in the happier aftermath it seems easy and simple. I wish Jennifer similar success

[Jennifer26]

So I thought about bringing the issue up again, but found myself each time pushing it off for another time. I don't want the conflict. Also, watching some videos of what constitutes an emotional affair I started thinking maybe what he has really is a platonic friendship. He wasn't keeping it secret, he did try to invite her to an event I'd be at, etc.

 

But still it was eating away at me, and it resulted in me being passive aggressive and making digs at my husband. Two nights ago as we were getting ready to go out to a party I said to my husband that I hoped he would actually spend a little time with me that night at the party, because the past two we've been to he had disappeared the entire night. But the way I said it came off as annoyed and angry and he said I've been making digs at him all week.

 

I apologized, and told him lately I have been analyzing things more closely. That his 'friendship' has made me feel insecure about myself, our marriage and that I can't help now but to notice things that feel off. He said I could help it, and that this was ALL due to my insecurity and that he has done nothing inappropriate and that instead of taking it out on him that I need to get ahold of my feelings and insecurity.

 

I shook my head no at him, and told him that while this is making me feel insecure and worried, this is NOT the main issue. This is a result of what is happening, not vice versa.

 

He said he has done what I asked, and has not gone out to lunch with her since our talk the other week. I told him it's more than that, that I feel they are flirting, and that the jokes, texts, facebooking, work conversations and so forth make me feel he is more interested in her - romantically or platonic- than me. I reiterated that I don't think his intention is to have an affair, but that this is just simply not an appropriate friendship. I pointed out the pics she showed him, he countered she showed them to several people in the office. I said how her calling him "hun" bothers me, he countered that she calls everyone hun.

 

It led to nowhere really. He defended ever issue I raised and finally we dropped it so we could go to the party we were late to as a result of this conversation.

 

That night, some people at the party started behaving wildly. Long story. My husband sent this woman a text message telling her how crazy the party was. She sent a text today asking what happened and he replied back that he'll tell her all about it tomorrow at work.

 

So once again I am pissed. I brought this one up immediately and told him I was reading his texts. I asked why would he send a "friendly coworker" a drunken text at 2:30 in the morning? He said he was just so taken back by what was going on at the party he just had to tell someone.

 

Ugh. This is never going to end. It's just non stop excuses and defensiveness. I am 99% sure he will be deleting all of his text messages from now on.

[keepsmilin74]

Just because he was open about it didn't make it right. And now he is going to hide it proves that.

 

Have you gotten him to read the links I posted above? It helped wake my husband up. I think yours is a harder nut to crack though. I suggest you tell him marriage counselling or trial separation. Don't put it off, you're only stressing yourself out. Do it calmly and you'll be relieved once you lay your cards down.

[snoopy girl]

jennifer 26 so sorry your going threw this, you cant make it stop even if you try, he is the only one that can and he doesnt want to.. i have been going threw this for 27 yrs. so i know. you went threw this before and your going threw this again, he didnt learn anything from the last time to change what he is doing this time. the only thing i can tell you is to watch closely, my husband told he would not have anymore luches with his co-worker without telling ahead, or that if he had to be alone in the car with her to go from place to place, but he lied again. he would stop talking about her to me and he stopped taking me to events that was work related. he would tell me she was not very pretty and that she was silly, only after i got tired of hearing about her all the time, not a day went by without hearing something about her or her son or something personal.

he said she was his bestfriend and he could only trust her at work. so like you, i told him to stop and i thought he did but he never did, he just coved it up with more lies. said i was looking at it all wrong that i was the problem and that i had a sickness of jealousy... thats is why i backed off.. so dont back off! if you feel like something is going on and you dont like it, maybe you need to friend her on fb and have a little heart to heart talk with her about how this is hurting you and that she needs to back off your husband.. i just wished i did long ago, i put up with it for over 10 yrs. and i still think she is in the picture, they no longer work together but he still would lie about e-mails and phone calls to this day.. so if i were you, maybe talk to her, it cant hurt. good luck girl, and hang in there, i wish you the best.

[Silivren]

Jen this situation of yours really worries me. I'm in agreement with Dust here thinking maybe the emotional affair has already started.

 

Here are the points that would be red flags for me.

 

1 - the constant contact. There's no reason for me to text a platonic friend of the opposite sex all day long especially if I'm at work with them every day and going for frequent lunches. This is inappropriate behavior. ESPECIALLY at 2:30 am. This drunk texting really would alarm me.

 

2 - He justifies his behavior and minimizes your concern. BIG RED FLAG!! As previously posted - he is no longer focusing attention on your marriage but is focused elsewhere and really doesn't care about how you feel.

 

3 - Her commenting on his facebook about him being in the doghouse when he bought you flowers. I find this concerning because it leads me to believe that he is spinning a different tale to her about the current state of your relationship. Is he telling her that you guys are on the rocks??

 

4 - Her non-existent "boyfriend". Oh PLEASE. This one is so old it's ridiculous. Guy tells his wife that his sexy friendly co-worker has a boyfriend in order to "throw her off the scent".. well if she does in fact have a boyfriend then why is your husband always inviting her out to places solo. Why wouldn't this "boyfriend" have something to say about 2am texting.

 

I'm sorry Jen but I don't agree with the idea of hanging back and watching to see what happens. Do you want to let him escalate this into a physical affair? Because if you sit back that is what is going to happen. You need to stop giving him so much power and nip this in the bud!! No excuses. He doesn't have a leg to stand on in this as he has already had an EA. No contact with her. Period. De-friend on facebook. STOP texting. No lunches. Anything less than complete cooperation and transparancy is unnacceptable.

[Jennifer26]

She does have a BF. I used my husbands FB account and did a bit of stalking

 

She's 29, twice divorced, and has been with this new BF for about a month. In her posts she seems pretty smitten with him, but the fact she just finalized her divorce and is on the rebound makes me feel a little iffy about it. She also has lost 30lbs since the divorce began and is wearing a size 4 now and loves to show that off in her posts. Part of me thinks maybe she has zero interest in my husband and she just likes the attention because of the divorce and the weight loss. But the fact she is young and has been through two marriages makes me wonder what is up? I don't know any of the details surrounding that.

 

I feel like my husband is doing most of the pursuing here, but she doesn't seem to mind the attention and invites more. Most of the texts, FB conversations and lunches have been initiated by my husband.

 

Typing that makes me feel pretty angry, and certain he is the one who is more interested in this situation.

 

He would disagree the situation with the classmate years ago was an EA. He has claimed he had no feelings, no sexual interest in her. He once told me she made a pass at him (years later) and when I became angry he took it back and said he made the whole thing up. I asked why he would make that up, and he basically said for the attention. I don't believe that for one second - except I think the roles were reversed and he probably made the sexual pass or wanted to.

 

I know I should demand the texting and facebooking stop. But the thing is they are together all day long at work. I will never know if they go to lunch together, or how often they talk. At work they have an instant messaging type program they chat on as well that I would have no way to monitor. So whether or not they text and FB really makes no difference to me, and will not put my mind at ease were it to stop.

 

Short of him quitting his job, I don't see what will. And even then who knows how long until he meets a new girl to flirt with at a new job?

 

 

Edit: Also, thinking about it maybe the text he sent to her the other night at 2:30am is relevant. To make a long story short we went to a birthday bash for a cousin of mine. The group was a bit younger (a lot of people in their 20s) and my husband and I are in our 30s. After a lot of drinking a couple of people decided to go skinny dipping in the pool. My husband sent his coworker a text saying "omfg" and she replied "what is going on?" to which he told her people were skinny dipping. WTF? As if the skinny dipping wasn't inappropriate enough, he decides to share this with her??

 

He said the situation was so bizarre and crazy he had to tell someone.

Edited July 11, 2011 by Jennifer26

[Dust]

She does have a BF. I used my husbands FB account and did a bit of stalking

 

Really that shouldn't make a difference. Like I said she could be a nun in a monastery claiming to be married to god and if she flirted and txt'ed and called and commented on facebook this would still be a problem.

 

She's 29' date=' twice divorced, and has been with this new BF for about a month. In her posts she seems pretty smitten with him, but the fact she just finalized her divorce and is on the rebound makes me feel a little iffy about it. She also has lost 30lbs since the divorce began and is wearing a size 4 now and loves to show that off in her posts. Part of me thinks maybe she has zero interest in my husband and she just likes the attention because of the divorce and the weight loss. But the fact she is young and has been through two marriages makes me wonder what is up? I don't know any of the details surrounding that.[/quote']

 

You know what’s up. Even if this isn't going any where this kind of flirting right in your face is horrible. Obviously he shouldn't be doing is it secretly either but it's all in your face. The txt msg's, him talking about her and wanting to invite and do things with her, and the facebook stuff.

 

I feel like my husband is doing most of the pursuing here' date=' but she doesn't seem to mind the attention and invites more. Most of the texts, FB conversations and lunches have been initiated by my husband.[/quote']

 

That just makes it worse if he is the one doing all the pursuing. What is he up to?

 

Typing that makes me feel pretty angry' date=' and certain he is the one who is more interested in this situation. [/quote']

 

It doesn't matter who is more interested. He has the power not to come home and talk about other women. He has the power not to txt, email, facebook and talk with other women in a flirtatious way. He has the power not to spend alone time with women.

 

He would disagree the situation with the classmate years ago was an EA. He has claimed he had no feelings' date=' no sexual interest in her. He once told me she made a pass at him (years later) and when I became angry he took it back and said he made the whole thing up. I asked why he would make that up, and he basically said for the attention. I don't believe that for one second - except I think the roles were reversed and he probably made the sexual pass or wanted to.[/quote']

 

You really don’t seem to have much trust in the man. Maybe you should leave him? He was obviously putting himself in situations for passes to be made. Maybe he did make a pass. Even if she made a pass it was because he put himself in a situation for a pass to be made.

[Jennifer26]

I don't trust him. A few months ago I would have answered differently. While he has done things over the years (including the previous EA) that have hurt the trust in our marriage, over time it had been regained.

 

The past couple weeks have wiped it out. He has shown me that the past and our almost separating over the previous EA meant nothing. He has shown me he will continue to repeat this pattern, probably for the rest of our marriage if we stay married.

 

Not to psychoanalyze my husband, because I am not qualified - but he does have many major issues stemming from his relationship with his family and in particular his mother. They have no relationship, and haven't since he moved away from home at age 18.

 

I think what is going on now, as well as what occurred in the past largely have to do with his need for acceptance. I don't think he will ever overcome the hurt he feels surrounding his mother and their lack of a relationship or fill his need for this acceptance from other women. He refuses any sort of counseling, individual or marital. He tried both years ago when we were on the verge of divorce and I would not relent. Both times he went to one session, quit going, and became very angry with me for making him go.

 

I really don't see how this can be fixed, and it really is eating me up inside once again. The thought of the long drawn out fights, sleeping in separate parts of the house, glaring at each other, and so forth makes me feel like crying even thinking about it.

 

I feel so overwhelmed with life in general these days. My job is demanding, I have a toddler and another child who is mildly autistic. I feel like I am spread too thin, and the thought of a divorce and the fights I know will occur make me feel hopeless and deeply saddened. I know my kids will suffer, more than they already are.

 

The really tough part is since last winter, my husband and I have been mostly getting along. Well up until this week. Everyone seems happy and I am terrified to rock the boat.

 

I think deep down I almost want him to have the sexual affair. He couldn't wiggle out of it, or giving me loads of excuses and BS. Sex is sex and everyone knows it is cheating. EA's are tricky, because many people (including my husband) think the idea is silly and that they do not exist. How do I prove he has feelings for her? Hell I can't even prove my own feelings because I am told they are just my issues, my insecurity and that I am being selfish and making him suffer because of them. That I need to work on ME here.

 

It's enough to make you go nuts. I feel like I am. Enough so that I wish he'd have sex with her and we could get this over with.

 

If I tried to divorce him he would tell everyone how nuts I am, that I am divorcing him and breaking apart our family because he had an innocent friendship with a coworker. And they would likely believe him because he is an incredibly intelligent man and very good at making arguments and the fact is they haven't made any sexual or blatantly flirtatious comments to one another. It all really has been things that could be left open for interpretation and he would argue I am insecure and that I interpret things in the worst way possible as a result.

 

Here is a couple of samples of their FB messages:

Him: So where is my dollar?

Her: Still hasn't seen it

Him: Is that because you refuse to take your hat off

Her: PS- you get no dollar

 

They're flirty IMO - but not sexual or inappropriate. He isn't telling her she looks good in pics or things that are more obvious.

 

This was probably the post that crossed the line the most:

 

Her: "It's so easy to fall in love but hard to find someone who will catch you."

Him: It's also easier to chase a love than it is to catch it.

 

One thing I did discover this morning - she sent him the facebook message this morning replying to the joke about owing him a dollar. He deleted the post from his wall so I could not see it. I don't think he realizes I remember his FB password.