i want to die

[so_mo34]

im 23 and let a 36 year old man i work with use me for sex for almost 2 years. we were like sex buddies..never dating. i did enjoy it with him for the most part..it was really good and i got addicted to him. i also find him soo hot but he is a huge jerk to me. apparently he doesn't even like me at all and talks **** about me all the time. (i just found this out now). i tried to end it with him a couple times..and i was good and went 2 months without seeing him..but stupid me slept with him again a couple days ago. i just feel so pathetic and worthless that i want to die. i feel like i don't deserve to live because i am so stupid. i really want to get over him for once and for all..but it's so hard. i will be fine for a while but he will keep bugging and bugging me that i just give in and try to put my feelings aside. i just got so attached that it's hard to let go. what should i do? do you think i am completely worthless? i feel lonely and sometimes it;s nice to have a guy in my life even if he is a jerk. it feels like it's the best i can do because i never had a bf before and it seems like the guys don't want me i heard that he used to use other girls for sex at other stores he worked at and got transferred a lot because of that.

Edited July 6, 2011 by so_mo34

[BetheButterfly]

im 23 and let a 36 year old man i work with use me for sex for almost 2 years. we were like sex buddies..never dating. i did enjoy it with him for the most part..it was really good and i got addicted to him. i also find him soo hot but he is a huge jerk to me. apparently he doesn't even like me at all and talks **** about me all the time. (i just found this out now). i tried to end it with him a couple times..and i was good and went 2 months without seeing him..but stupid me slept with him again a couple days ago. i just feel so pathetic and worthless that i want to die. i feel like i don't deserve to live because i am so stupid. i really want to get over him for once and for all..but it's so hard. i will be fine for a while but he will keep bugging and bugging me that i just give in and try to put my feelings aside. i just got so attached that it's hard to let go. what should i do? do you think i am completely worthless? i feel lonely and sometimes it;s nice to have a guy in my life even if he is a jerk. it feels like it's the best i can do because i never had a bf before and it seems like the guys don't want me i heard that he used to use other girls for sex at other stores he worked at and got transferred a lot because of that.

 

SoMo,

 

It is not your fault that this guy is a jerk. What you need to do now are the following things, which are important for your well-being.

 

1. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP. You are not stupid; you are human. Humans make mistakes. Humans also make wonderful contributions to the world. Decide right now to not beat yourself up over the past. Let it go and enjoy the present!!!

 

2. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Work out, eat healthy, take good care of yourself. Concentrate on this and 3. instead of putting yourself down.

 

3. TAKE CARE OF OTHERS. Get involved helping in some way in the community, like helping at a charity. Make a positive difference in other people's lives and concentrate on helping those in need.

 

When you do the above, you will feel much better and this man and what he did to you will not matter any more. Also, if you do all the above, then it is very likely that a wonderful man who is not a jerk will want to enjoy life with you.

[Nexus One]

Perhaps you need to find yourself a proper boyfriend. Someone that will make love to you instead of just f*cking you. Someone that wants to date you because they want to be in your presence, someone that loves to talk with you, someone that gets butterflies from you. Yet still someone you have major attraction to.

 

That guy is not it.

 

And if you do indeed find a proper boyfriend, then don't cheat on him with this guy. Change jobs if you must, get him out of your sight, out of your mind and out of your system. Ignore all his communication attempts. Your time is better spent on someone who values it.

[Feelin Frisky]

Please try to hold it together and start aggressively trying to get another job anywhere that takes you out of his reach. And when you do be prepared to face the kind of need you will feel for the gratification that sex with this guy was giving you. It may may seem like the hardest thing you've ever done but you can do it. Don't feel like you're the only one who has suffered this. It is happening to others as I write. Live is tough some times and not fair. You will realize some strength you didn't know you had when you succeed in breaking away and building a new life. Good luck and sincere warmth.

[NeverDated]

Let it go. Until you stop it, it's going to go around and around in the same vicious cycle: meaningless sex, you hate yourself, he contacts you, you think doing it again will change something, meaningless sex...I did that with my divorce rebound. I knew the guy well, and, when I decided it was high time to end it, I burned the bridge between us. I haven't heard much of anything from him in 1.5 months, and just finally got over the guilt/self-loathing about 2 weeks ago.

 

You're coming off of 2 years where your only use to a man is sex. Trust me, I empathize. My ex-husband made me feel that way. For the last 5 years of our 11 year long relationship, I felt like I was only good for a quick lay. You'll need to move on from it, though. You'll have a hard time finding a seriously worthwhile boyfriend if that's how you view yourself. No man worth his salt wants to be with a woman who views herself as a sex object.

[aliceinchains]

Is this the same guy you talk about in all your posts?

 

Everyone on this forum for a long time has been suggesting that you get rid of this guy. You need to get this taken care of once and for all

 

Are you sure you enjoyed him? It's quite possible you just enjoyed the sex because you are getting his attention. It just feeds your addiction, this is not what love is.

 

I find it hard to believe that nobody wants you. Take a look around, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Give someone else a chance with you. Find someone who likes you for who you are, you will be much happier, trust me.

 

(this is my current situation - maybe this will help)

I just broke up with a girl who I was dating for three months, she wanted to turn things into an open relationship to which I found out she was cheating on me all this time. I broke up with her instantly. Before that, I was dating the best girlfriend I ever had, who I was best friends with for a year before we started to officially date and dated for a year and a half. Sadly, we had to go our separate ways, I had to take a job out west, we will probably end up back together once I move back. Before that I had nobody for two years, it can take a while.

 

I agree with everyone here. Find a new job away from this guy, tell him you can't see him anymore. I think talking to a therapist will be very beneficial. and as someone else has said, please talk to a friend/relative a.s.a.p. about your suicidal thoughts, nobody will judge you.

 

You are not a loser, you are young. I wasted my time on a girl for 3 months when I was suspicious she was cheating on me all along. We have all been there.

 

Good Luck!

Edited July 8, 2011 by aliceinchains

[udolipixie]

Why is he a jerk? you not dating, he owes you nothing, not even respect. He did not force you to do anything. Get therapy, agreed.

 

 

How odd guys can't apply that to themselves when they complain about how this & that girl is a b*tch or how they got used.

 

Or how they are owed respect & nice rejections when they approach a girl

[udolipixie]

Get therapy.

 

If you do want no strings sex get a guy who doesn't treat the girls he hassex with badly.

[udolipixie]

OP got rude replies because she described a mutually pleasant sexual relationship as "I let an older man use me for sex." Men are tired of being told that consensual sex is something that a man takes from a woman. My GF used to describe male female relations this way and it would drive me crazy.

 

Hmm so you just give a rude reply to posts that you dislike.

 

If men are so tired of being told consensual sex is something that a man takes from a woman perhaps they should stop the guys who are saying this.

 

Guys tell women or agree that consensual sex is something that takes from a woman by saying that women who have a lot of sexual partners are of less worth but that a guy is not because he took it from a woman.

 

If fact guys often imply that sex is something done to a woman or something a woman gives to a guy (put out) instead of sex being a shared activity.

[udolipixie]

OP got rude replies because she described a mutually pleasant sexual relationship as "I let an older man use me for sex." Men are tired of being told that consensual sex is something that a man takes from a woman. My GF used to describe male female relations this way and it would drive me crazy.

 

 

The sexual relationship wasn't mutually pleasant only the sexual part.

 

As for the relationship part he talked sh*t about her constantly & apparently secretly since she just found out

^ not adding the huge jerk because that's her perception

^ not adding that he didn't even like her because he didn't need to like her he just needed to not treat her badly

 

Yes there are parts of a sexual relationship- the sex & how you treat the person you have sex with.

 

F*ck buddy = buddy you have sex with. Buddy being an acquaintance/colleague.

 

Friends with benefits = friend you have sex with.

 

This seems more like a booty call because a booty call is a sexual relationship where you can mistreat the other person.

[udolipixie]

Where? and who?

Where? Everywhere?

 

Who? Guys who feel that a woman who has a lot

 

 

No. The guy is not stigmatized as much because men and women are different, has nothing to do with who is giving or taking the sex.

 

Being stigmatized unequally is giving the message that consensual sex is something that a man takes from a woman.

 

That something he takes away is her value.

 

The men & women are different supports that.

 

Men don't get their value taken away because they are men.

 

Women get their value taken away because they are women.

 

That's why there is the oh I was used bs.

 

 

 

No. I hear women say they want to f-ck some guy all the time. Does that mean they want to take something from him? There can be a rough or dominating side to consensual sex, but that doesn't mean it is something being done "to" someone and not "with" someone. If the other person is alive and conscious, they aren't being done to, they are doing something with someone.

 

The something I'm talking about is value.

 

It's already noted that to most men don't get their value taken away because they are men.

^ which is why guys can think less of a girl for sleeping with him but not less of himself for sleeping with her

[udolipixie]

Where? Everywhere?

 

Who? Guys who feel that a woman who has a lot

 

Missing info here.

 

Where? Everywhere.

 

Who? Guys who feel that a woman who has a lot of partners are of less worth.

 

It fits consensual sex is something that a man takes from a woman.

 

Because despite it being consensual the man can take away her value but she can't take away his.

[udolipixie]

... ummm sorry, getting a Jack Handey "Deep Thoughts" deja vu here, so no, not going to reply further.

 

Seems you missed this:

As for the relationship part he talked sh*t about her constantly & apparently secretly since she just found out

 

I think you meant the sex was mutually pleasant.

 

By putting sexual relationship the element of how you relate to/treat that person is added.

[udolipixie]

No. Some men think less of women who sleep with lots of men because those women are usually crazy, high maintenance drama queens and general bad news. The men don't think less of themselves for sleeping with lots of women because those men aren't usually crazy, high maintenance drama queens, or general bad news.

 

Some.

 

Not the majority.

 

This thinking they are crazy, high maintenance drama queens/bad news is not the general view.

 

The general view is that the consensual sex takes away from her value because she "let" the guys do her (implying sex is also something done to a woman not with) and has no respect for herself (the guys she had consensual sex with take her value/respect) .

 

The guys usually don't think less of themselves because their thought is I did it to her while she got it done to her not I did it with her.

[udolipixie]

No. I meant exactly what I typed. The sport f-cking went on for two years, they both enjoyed it, they never dated, the sex was the only relationship, so despite your tendency towards selective reading, there was nothing between OP and the older work/f-ck buddy other than a mutually pleasant sexual relationship, and a purely sexual relationship is definitely a type of relationship. That she just...now... found out he talked bad about her doesn't change the fact of their prior relationship one bit. It simply means she...now... sees the relationship in a different light.

 

 

It wasn't selective reading.

 

I guess we define words differently.

 

To me a relationship involves relating to the person & your treatment of them.

 

I wouldn't say I have a work relationship with my boss but that I work with her. Or for her if you'll get selective.

 

The work is a job I do for which their are rules/etiquette.

 

That's why I thought you didn't mean she had a mutually pleasant sexual relationship with him but that she had mutually pleasant sex with him.

 

Because the sex is an act for which the only etiquette/rules are don't bring STDs, no forcing sexual acts, and we each get pleasure.

 

By putting things in a different light it may change the fact of their sexual relationship was mutually pleasant.

^ added relationship because that's what you use

[Forever Learning]

so_mo34 you received some very genuinely thoughtful and caring advice here in the first part of the thread.

 

Please read the kind, genuinely warm advice several times and take it to heart.

 

Please disregard any comments that make you feel worse about your situation.

 

I just wanted to add, so many of us have been exactly where you are. We feel for you and know how you are feeling. You are not alone in this. I know it is a really hard situation. Sexual desire is every bit as natural a human urge and necessity as eating sleeping or breathing. The challenge is to find a healthy relationship in which to have sexual intimacy.

 

One other thing you need to realize is, sex releases chemicals in your brain that are similar to the rush that drug addicts have.

 

Once you get stuck in a rut having sex with someone who isn't the best person for you, getting out of that situation can be just as hard as a heroin addict trying to kick the habit. This can be alot harder for some people than it is for others.

 

So, realize that in some regards, you were a drug addict, addicted to the feel good chemicals released in your own brain, during these sexual encounters. I speak from personal experience and the articles I have read on sex addiction.

 

Bottom line, don't be so hard on yourself, but DO take seriously your need to get away from this guy in order to restore normalcy to your life and afford yourself a real chance of happiness with someone else in the future. Read up on sexual and love addiction (google it, there are free 12 step programs too). Remember you aren't the first and won't be the last going through these type situations. God bless you!

[udolipixie]

Yes, it is.

 

Really you didn't think that before.

 

No. Some men think less of women who sleep with lots of men because those women are usually crazy, high maintenance drama queens and general bad news. The men don't think less of themselves for sleeping with lots of women because those men aren't usually crazy, high maintenance drama queens, or general bad news.

 

 

Yes, it is. If there were any devaluing of women attached to the act of sex, it would be a one time thing as in ancient days that attached to virginity only. In those old times, virgin woman = value, not virgin = no value at all, unmarriageable. So if there is any truth to what you are saying, it involves only virginity. Do you think non virginal women have any trouble being valued by men today?

 

We've grown past that thinking.

 

However we haven't grown past associating that women are gatekeepers to sex so her value and what indicates the amount of respect she has for herself comes from her amount of sexual partners .

 

We haven't grown to past that association because as you said women are stigmatized.

 

I wasn't talking about virgins & non virgins.

 

If you recall my point was

Guys feel that a woman who has a lot of partners are of less worth.

 

Less worth.

 

Less.

 

Less is not no value at all.

 

And it's not because all guys think lots of sex partners = crazy, high maintenance drama queens/bad news

 

But that most think lots of sex partners = less value, less respect for herself.

 

And it's this thinking that gives the message that consensual sex is something that a man takes from a woman.

 

That something he takes away is her value.

 

It's noted as being something he can take from her since it doesn't work both ways as most men don't get their value taken away for the same thing in the unequal stigma.

[udolipixie]

Also, you say that sex devalues a woman in most men's eyes, each time a woman has sex, not the number of partners she has had, would devalue her, in men's eyes, which is absurd because very few men would rule out a woman simply for being divorced, yet a married women may have had sex thousands of times, albeit with the same guy.

 

Really I said sex it devalues a woman in most men's eyes each time she has sex?

 

No I did not.

 

I said this:

Guys who feel that a woman who has a lot of partners are of less worth..

 

Even in the only post where way I can imagine you got sex devalues a woman each time she has sex is from this:

And even then we were talking about the stigma of a lot of partners.

 

Being stigmatized unequally is giving the message that consensual sex is something that a man takes from a woman.

 

That something he takes away is her value.

 

The men & women are different supports that.

 

Men don't get their value taken away because they are men.

 

Women get their value taken away because they are women.

 

That's why there is the oh I was used bs.

 

So where did you get I said sex devalues a woman each time she has sex?

 

Really where?

[udolipixie]

Men devalue women who sleep with lots of guys because of the reasons already stated, promiscuous women are crazier, more high maintenance and more risky than normal women.

 

A lot of non crazy woman who are not high maintenance are promiscuous.

 

A promiscuous woman can just see lots of hot guys she wants to f*ck and do so.

 

She'll be devalued for it and not because she's crazy/high maintenance.

 

Some men may devalue because they associate sleeping with a lot of guys with crazy/high maintenance behavior.

 

However most men devalue because they associate sleeping with a lot of guys as low value, lacking respect for herself.

 

Basically the master key/sh*tty lock is a perfect example of how

 

The lock is faulted for letting any key in by being called sh*tty but the key is applauded being called master when the key is doing something.

 

The implication being lots of sexual partners devalue a woman that nowhere is unworthy behavior mentioned.

 

In fact the only behavior that can be inferred is trustworthiness. Sh*tty locks not trusty however the master key isn't trustworthy either and it is not faulted.

[udolipixie]

"Some" can be a subset of a few, many, most or all. It's just another qualifier people use to avoid being called out for making overbroad generalizations.

 

If you are interested in finding some male opinions on this issue, make a thread about it. Done spending my time trying to mentally reconstruct your posts into some standard English format in order to make sense of them.

 

Plenty of threads & post here where the male opinion is lots of partners = less worth because it shows she doesn't respect herself not crazy/high maintenance.

 

That crazy label is usually applied to women who date bad boys & the high maintenance label is usually applied to women guys think are overly attractive.

 

I have plenty of the male opinion from reality and real life as well.

 

As for the standard English quip perhaps you should stop telling others they put things they never typed.

[udolipixie]

OK, then if it's numbers of partners that cause the subset of men you are describing to devalue women, then the sex act itself isn't the focus of the devaluation is it? So the claim that when a man and woman have sex the man is "taking" something from the woman makes no sense, does it?

 

It's not.

 

Not sure why you're asking me this since I never stated that sex itself devalued a woman.

 

In fact you can you show me where I said or even implied that sex devalued a woman?

 

I will once again repeat my point that I asserted in the beginning and in each post:

Guys who feel that a woman who has a lot of partners are of less worth.The unequal stigma for men/women who have a lot of partners givesthe message that consensual sex is something that a man takes from a woman, that something being her value.

 

And that it's something a man takes from a woman because it's not a two way street where she also takes away his value proven by the unequal stigma.

 

 

Seriously done now. I am beginning to think you are trolling. Whatever you are doing it isn't conducive to any kind of coherent adult discussion.

I'm beginning to think you skim over things & fill in the blanks with your assumptions.

 

Or you read something that relates to something you admitted you feel strongly about & misread things.

[udolipixie]

Your posts are very difficult to make sense of, it's a plain fact, not a quip.

 

 

 

I responded fairly to what you posted. If you don't want to be misquoted or misunderstood, please spend some time on making your posts easier to understand and respond to.

 

You didn't misquote me.

 

You didn't even use quotes.

 

You told me I said each act of sex devalues a woman.

 

Show me where I said that or implied that.

 

What makes my posts difficult plenty of people in other threads understand.

 

Perhaps it's because this is about something you admit you feel strongly about so you're likely to misread.

[udolipixie]

No. Your last quote of my reply, in post #33, states quite clearly in very plain language that that we are both talking about certain men's attitudes, that we both understand that, and that we are not discussing anything about your personal attitudes or beliefs re: sex devaluing women.

 

This whole discussion has been about mens attitude.

 

I haven't even mentioned my personal attitudes.

 

I have been talking about what I think the majority of mens attitudes are from what other men have said themselves.

 

The only personal thing here is what I think on mens attitudes.

 

 

 

You are being purposefully obtuse.

 

I think you are.

 

I already asked you where you got this notion when you first said I think men believe each act of sex devalues a woman in post #28

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3502237&postcount=28

 

Really I said sex it devalues a woman in most men's eyes each time she has sex?

No I did not.

I said this:

 

 

There I specifically said where did you get the idea I felt men's attitude was that each act of sex devalues her.

 

After each time I requested to know where I said that or implied that.

 

I admit the rest of my requests I put I don't think that but since this was about what I think the majority of men's attitude is I didn't know I'd have to clarify that since I was speaking about men's attitude & not my own personal opinion.

 

Especially since my first response to your notion should have clarified I was talking about mens attitude not my personal opinion.

 

So can you tell me where you got this I think men's attitude is that each act of sex devalues a woman?

[udolipixie]

Nothing wrong with your reading comprehension at all?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/show...7&postcount=28

 

In my first reply to your post that I said men think every act of sex devalues a woman my first few sentences are:

 

Really I said sex it devalues a woman in most men's eyes each time she has sex?

 

No I did not.

 

I said this:

 

Yet you still insist I said men think each act of sex devalues a woman.

 

 

#1 As for the misquote sorry to me misquoting is incorrectly quoting like not telling me the intent of my words.

 

 

 

#2 When I stated I never said each act of sex devalues a woman.

 

You took the time to tell me we are talking about mens attitude not my personal opinion.

 

As if I was saying "I never said I think each act of sex devalues a woman" instead of saying what "I never said I think men think each act of sex devalues a woman." When we were discussing my thoughts on mens attitudes so I think should automatically be I think on subject without me having to say the subject.

 

Right here you were acting as if oh I know you personally don't think that but you said that men think that:

 

No. Your last quote of my reply, in post #33, states quite clearly in very plain language that that we are both talking about certain men's attitudes, that we both understand that, and that we are not discussing anything about your personal attitudes or beliefs re: sex devaluing women.

 

 

 

#3 You never told me I said each act of sex devalues a woman?

 

Also, you say that sex devalues a woman in most men's eyes, each time a woman has sex

[udolipixie]

I can't edit it should be:

 

"In my first reply to your post that said I said men think every act of sex devalues a woman my first few sentences are:"