My ex broke up with me, and am needing..?

[zanzi]

I need a job and I can't find one. After my ex broke up with me, he kept coming back around doing this cold/cynical/mocking me when I cried thing. Very manly of him.

 

I was real messed up before I met him. I'd already had a simular relationship. I dont think I can be in a relationship without some emotional dependancy and neediness on my part because I dont know how to talk to people, make freinds, I'm distant and shy. And I feel discouraged that I'll never find a job.

 

I'm still missing someone from over a year ago.

 

Now that I moved, I barely pay rent, and I am so hungry right now. My bath is filled with dirty laundry and I swear its going septic. My rooms a mess. I need to find a new place but I'm reluctant to just move into another bad situation. I'm basically in uni, I have no friends, I have depression, I often go hungry, I project my anger from my past onto people, and I always, always end up lonely.

 

Iv'e thought about jumping off a bridge, I will admit. Nobody seems to understand that emotional vampires like myself, are very damaged people with legitimate reason to screw up, be vulnerable, and do the whole "poor me thing" sometimes when we get down. Like not normal down, but depressed down. I feel like I'll never get out of seeing everthing through depressions eyes and get that lovely new boyfriend I crave. I really want kids one day. But because of the type of person I am (flawed, slightly manipulative), how can that be? Happiness, I mean. I see happiness as having a clean place, food to eat and FAMILY. I crave a peacful family that I never grew up with. Emotionally, I was backhanded by my parents, thus I grew up to be a vampire.

[redflag]

hi, i guessing your young, around 20 ish right? a lot of these feelings are normal i went through it and so did others i know so bear with it i know at the time you dont even want to see a way through it but your head will clear eventually i promise. i think you realised yourself that your not ready for a relationship cos your self respect is so low and so anyone your with will not respect you either. i know its common advice but just work on yourself for a bit and do it bit by bit dont wait for 'the day' to come when you feel better, snap out of it and sort everything cos i used to do that and it never comes. dont let the way others have treat you drag you down, learn from it so you wont treat others the same or take it again from ppl. anyways good luck wi ur situation and with uni. remember live for yourself, learn from the past and dont expect to feel better overnight. best wishes