Losing GF (Tags: LDR, Break, self-esteem)

[DutchValhallaViking]

Hello people,

 

I am a male in my mid 20's who has had a relationship with a girl in her early 20's for the past 3 years. We live in different countries and we met online 3 years ago and started seeing each other and entering a solid relationship.

 

A little background on my girlfriend: She's extremely loving and giving, to the point of 'sacrificing' her own happiness to make me happy. She easily feels guilty when she hurts someone, especially me. She never makes a promise she doesnt keep and has only told me one fairly harmless lie in three years and felt aweful about it for weeks. She has and still is dealing with some mental illnesses. The past three years she has made progress in this.

 

The problem is that three days ago she told me she wanted to break up. When asked to explain, she admitted that the past 9 months she has been feeling more and more guilty about "dragging me to her country", where she feels i will be unhappy. She claims she doesnt feel she's special and i would be better off pursueing a relationship with a local girl.

 

A new female friend of mine asked me if i wanted to see some pictures of a proffessional underwear photoshoot she did and was very proud of, and on a whim i figured "why not". I told my girlfriend about it and apoligised if it was inappropriate. My girlfriend asked me how i thought she looked and i told her honestly this girl looks pretty good and kinda sexy, but not nearly as sexy and pretty as her.

 

Sadly she said this was the spark that made her realise she's nothing special and that i would be happier getting a girl like her, but closer to home and without her issues.

When i asked, she explained that the past three years i have occasionally mentioned in idle conversation how moving to the UK would be hard for me (at first) and how i would miss certain little things, which is true but not even close to being as bad as she appearantly has been thinking the past 9 months.

 

Further more, another reason i have not yet moved to her country is that she is suffering from mental issues that cause lots of anxiety at the thought of moving out of her house. Vacations and staying somewhere for a weekend is fine, but the thought of living with me for a while is enough to scare her really badly. Living with me is the thing she wants to do most in life but also the thing she fears a lot, she's embarrassed about this.

 

So her reasons for deciding to give up are:

- Guilty about me having to move to her country to be with her, believing it would make me unhappy.

- Feeling it's unfair towards me that her mental issues are 'keeping me waiting' till she's ready to move in with me.

- Feeling she's nothing special and i could get someone like her, or better, in my home country.

- Scared by the fact that she has been a little bit less into me the past weeks, which is new to her.

 

I believe she believes these reasons make her unable to carry on. There is no 'other guy' involved either.

So we are now 'on a break'. She promised that for the coming months she will not date or sleep with other people. When i told her i hope she will change her mind or i will be able to change it for her, she said she hopes the same. She mentioned that at the moment she would feel happiest if i could stay her friend.

I made it absolutely clear to her that i will stay her friend until she makes the break official and starts getting romantically/sexually active with someone else. At which point i will make a clean break from her and i'll have to remove her from my life in order to move on.

 

The prospect of me going out of her life absolutely terrified her and she got really depressed, even physically harming herself (only minor, she's fine.)

I tried a couple of times to change her mind and reassure her by talking very long and detailed about her reasons and offering solutions for all of them.

 

I would very much like to get back with her, i think she's breaking up with me for silly reasons but i am not sure what the best approach would be to make her realise that. Any advice/comments?

 

EDIT: shortened the post a little bit so more people may be inclined to read/reply.

Edited July 29, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking

[DutchValhallaViking]

Owh this might be important to mention: The past 3 days contact has mostly been passive from my end, with the occassional attempt to make her feel better, cheer her up or attempt to change the way she feels about her reasons for calling for a break (up).

[Sunstar]

Assuming you're Dutch, why not bring her to The Netherlands? Besides, the UK and The Netherlands aren't very different in my opinion, so I'm not sure why she thinks you would be unhappy there.

 

Most people in The Netherlands speak English as a second/third language, so she won't have to feel excluded from society and if you speak English you can get a job here, especially in the bigger cities like Amsterdam, Rotterdam and The Hague. Government regulations will probably require her to learn Dutch, but that's something that comes in handy either way.

 

The only thing that is really concerning in my opinion is that she mentioned she's has been less into you lately and the fact that she's been hurting herself. I imagine you like/love her, so that has to be hard to hear for you.

 

Also, I know it's next year, but perhaps you could book a hotel with her in Amsterdam during Queens Day. She might need a different environment, even if only for a few days to get a fresh and more positive perspective and Queens Day in Amsterdam might provide just that. Or you could take her to the Keukenhof on a sunny day or something, if even for a day. Just make sure to check buienradar when planning.

Edited July 29, 2011 by Sunstar

[DutchValhallaViking]

I just talked to her a bit again. She said she feels good and happier again. I did not expect her to bounce back up so soon. Kinda shocked me.

 

I am going to try to ask her to tell me how she feels about things. I would like to know if there is any desire for her to get back to me left.

[Sunstar]

I suppose the fact that you guys are in a long distance relationship isn't helping, since you can't cheer her up by being there for her in person. Kind of a tough situation.

[OliveOyl]

Early 20s is a time of lots of angst and change for women. There is still a lot of learning and self-discovery going on. On top of this she has some known mental instability. Finally this is in the context of a long-distance relationship, which by itself is a tricky thing to deal with and not for the faint of heart. How often have you been able to meet up in person?

 

I would predict that she is probably going to continue to flip-flop and if you do officially get back together, the relationship will stay on a roller-coaster ride. If you really want to stay together, I think a solid plan for closing the distance has to be made as soon as possible. 3 years is a long time to be with someone but not "be" with someone, and that distance wears at the patience of even the healthiest people.

[DutchValhallaViking]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Like i said in my previous post, i was going talk to her about how she feels about things and check to see what the chances are i can convince her to get back with me.

 

She still feels she didnt have a choice and that it was extremely hard for her to request a break. She's still romantically and sexually attracted to me and hopes she will change how she feels about those reasons for breaking up, and get back together.

 

Me accepting a female friend's offer to view some underwear catalog photoshoot pictures appearantly pissed her off more than she let on at first. So we talked about that and i promised i wouldnt accept 'sexy pictures' from other girls again. She's still a little bit angry about it but i am guessing/hoping that will wear off in the coming days.

 

We talked a little more about how me moving to her country would be like for me, as well as what makes a girl special to me and i repeated some of her own words she used on me earlier this year to make me feel special.

 

After a while she got a bit tired of all the talking and felt that this isnt really a break if we talk/argue about it 24/7.

 

The cute metaphor she used is her being a kitty cat and me jabbing her with a stick, making it less likely she'll want to sit on my lap for a stroke.

Staying in the metaphor, she said i can still try and pet her (talking about it and trying to fix it) but if she squirms and doesnt like it, she will be more likely to come sit on my lap later if i just let her go for a bit.

 

I agreed with her and joked i was too busy trying to cure her by shoving a pound of peniciline down her kitty throat and we both got a laugh out of that.

 

The rest of the evening we occassionally said some random small talk which felt pleasant and natural.

Edited July 29, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking

[DutchValhallaViking]

Do you people think i should go full blown no contact with her till she decides to come back to me? Or make attempts at small talk and gentle attempts at persuading her every day days? Or keep interacting with her on a daily basis as 'normally' as possible ?

 

Based on her metaphor, i think occassional small talk and attempts to persuade her we wont get hurt in a relationship would be best.

Edited July 30, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking

[Professor X]

I think it's time for less talking and more actions, i.e. go visit her, its only like 30 minutes -1 hour flight if I remember right.

 

Go be with her, see how it feels, you both will get a better picture of things after that.

[DutchValhallaViking]

I think it's time for less talking and more actions, i.e. go visit her, its only like 30 minutes -1 hour flight if I remember right.

 

Go be with her, see how it feels, you both will get a better picture of things after that.

 

 

Well i have been with her in real life before often enough, even spending weeks there during my vacation. Last time i visited was a few weeks ago.

 

I am planning on taking a short vacation to the city she lives in, stay in a hotel there and just do my own thing, and ask her to come meet me now and then, she can spend as much or little time with me as she likes.

[DutchValhallaViking]

Well, it's been 24 hours since either of us made any attempts at contact, even though we have both been able to speak to the other the past 6 hours.

 

This is hard, but i guess it's better if i wait till she approaches me. *sighs*

[DutchValhallaViking]

Holy moly,

 

It turns out she didnt see i was online, once she did she started talking a lot to me about some random stuff she's interested in. She appears to be feeling crap about the situation again.

 

I talked back a little but decided to not initiate too much.

 

We'll see how things go today. To be honest, i am scared i might not be able to convince her she's good enough for me and that she's worrying too much. :confused:

[Professor X]

Holy moly,

 

It turns out she didnt see i was online, once she did she started talking a lot to me about some random stuff she's interested in. She appears to be feeling crap about the situation again.

 

I talked back a little but decided to not initiate too much.

 

We'll see how things go today. To be honest, i am scared i might not be able to convince her she's good enough for me and that she's worrying too much. :confused:

 

Of course you won't when you stay this passive.

 

Think about it, she's afraid she's no good to you and to show her how "wrong" she is, you act as if you're just fine without her.

In other words, you reassure her of her fears.

 

Same goes with you not coming to her, you just show her that you do got an issue with being there with her.

 

I think you're pass the playing games phase in your RS and it's time you actually do things to show what you really mean.

[DutchValhallaViking]

Of course you won't when you stay this passive.

 

Think about it, she's afraid she's no good to you and to show her how "wrong" she is, you act as if you're just fine without her.

In other words, you reassure her of her fears.

 

Same goes with you not coming to her, you just show her that you do got an issue with being there with her.

 

I think you're pass the playing games phase in your RS and it's time you actually do things to show what you really mean.

 

Actually, i made it pretty clear to her i feel crap about this and want to get back together because i was happier that way.

 

Can you clarify what you mean with "time to actually do things to show what you really mean." ?

[DutchValhallaViking]

Anyone got any advice? Please?

 

Earlier tonight i had a small chat with her.

 

Some stuff i found out:

 

- She missed me a bit the past days

 

- She's once again feeling really bad about 'losing me', she only felt good/happier for a few hours a few days ago.

 

- She's been drinking the past hours. I only see her drink when we/she go out partying...or she's depressed and wants to numb it. That last even happens rarely rarely, so she's not an alcoholic.

 

- I told her i think her feeling guilty about 'waisting my time' could very well cause her to feel 'a bit off of us', since she'll not be able to enjoy the time together as much. She agreed with this, but added it still makes being a 'little less into me' a small reason that adds to her decision she cant go on anymore.

 

- I asked her if i should feel guilty for letting her face her fears in order to have a relationship with me and she replied with "of course not", immediately following that she stopped me from going further saying she got my point but added sarcastically: "i didnt realise we were the same person".

 

- She seemed annoyed after this and ignored me for a little while. I stopped attempts at talking to her to give her some space, her being a bit drunk at the moment probably makes talking atm a bad idea.

[DutchValhallaViking]

This is starting to look more like a monologue heh.

 

No one here has any advice or insight?

[DutchValhallaViking]

I think the best thing i can do at the moment is go with minimal contact. After all, the more i prod and poke the worse it might get.

 

If she does indeed miss me and comes to me to work it out, like she suggested in her metaphor, i'll be friendly and nice to her and work together with her to find a way to help her over the hump so to speak.

 

If she comes to me for small talk, i'll stay friendly but wont get dragged into long conversations between "two friends". Afterall, i am not interested in being downgraded to just a friend.

 

The moment she gets intimate with someone else, i'm definately out of her life forever. I dont want to torture myself with mental images of her doing the stuff i used to do, with another guy.

 

It kinda breaks my heart to not only lose her as my GF, but also making the decision to not remain friends with her when/if the break becomes a break up. It will really hurt her badly.

[DutchValhallaViking]

Well, i couldnt stand her feeling crap about losing me completely so i offered to stay her friend even after she starts dating other guys in a few months. (She wants to stay single for a few months) It was a painful decision and it made her feel a bit better to know she wont completely lose me but she didnt seem to show all that much gratitude. She did mention she didnt want me to get hurt by it but other than that she seemed a little cold about it.

 

Also, it seems my (ex)girlfriend was "ruddy pissed off" at me accepting the underwear photoshoot pictures from that new female friend i had made last week. And that she felt all of the reasons for breaking up were "circumstances" insted of problems, except for this one.

 

She still hasnt fully forgiven me. As far as i remember this was the first time i ever did anything even remotely close to something inappropriate while in a relationship, and she has once given a guy a drunken kiss, which i find is quite worse!

But for some reason she feels that i "might aswell have shagged her". When i said i found that a bit over the top she replied with a "well you are entitled to your own opinion".

She also doesnt care about my explanation or the circumstances and saying sorry more than once is redundant.

 

Today we sadly ended up arguing about it and i asked her if she thought i would seriously have done something like that if i know the pics were as bad as they were. She believes i wouldnt, but that it didnt change the fact that i did.

Not knowing the pics were as inappropriate as i thought appearantly doesnt mean anything?

 

Imo, she's overreacting and being childish about this, and using it as an excuse to vent all the bottled up doubts she had about the circumstances of our relationship.

 

I wish she didnt just suddenly go to bed and cut me off. I fear things have only gotten worse while trying to talk this out. I think i'll just go NC till she has cooled off and approaches me in a decent way.

 

What do you people think?

[Nexus One]

Imo, she's overreacting and being childish about this, and using it as an excuse to vent all the bottled up doubts she had about the circumstances of our relationship.

 

I agree that she seems to be using that photo-shoot as an excuse to get out of the relationship. Connect that to the fact that she wants to start dating other guys after a period of being single and a clearer picture starts to emerge. She's quite probably not that into you anymore and the fact that you intended to attend that photo-shoot was convenient for her to use as an excuse. While (perhaps) inappropriate/inconsiderate, it's not nearly as bad as actually having sex with that model (as she claims it to be). In my opinion it's a classless move on her part to use that as an excuse and exaggerate it instead of being frank with you. Perhaps you should take the hint.

Edited August 1, 2011 by Nexus One

[Professor X]

I agree that she seems to be using that photo-shoot as an excuse to get out of the relationship. Connect that to the fact that she wants to start dating other guys after a period of being single and a clearer picture starts to emerge. She's quite probably not that into you anymore and the fact that you intended to attend that photo-shoot was convenient for her to use as an excuse. While (perhaps) inappropriate/inconsiderate, it's not nearly as bad as actually having sex with that model (as she claims it to be). In my opinion it's a classless move on her part to use that as an excuse and exaggerate it instead of being frank with you. Perhaps you should take the hint.

 

Spot on. (10 chars)

[DutchValhallaViking]

I didnt say anything about attending anything btw...the girl sent me some pictures of the photoshoot on MSN, i never even met the woman. She's just a friend of a former classmate i ran into on Facebook.