Don't let your ex have control of the situation. They split up with you.

[wecancope]

Dear all,

 

What I'm about to tell you is just the tip of the iceberg. I'd probably have to write a book to explain every single detail about this whole traumatising period of my life. What I would like from all of you out there is to ask me any questions you like; maybe I'll be able to help you. Maybe you can relate yourself to some of the following:

 

 

This might take a while to explain. Me and my girlfriend had been together for 3yrs; she lives in Germany and I live in England. We'd see each other on average every 5 days, as I work shifts (five days on, five days off). I was back in England and like we have done every day for the past 3yrs, we were having a conversation on the telephone which then turned into one hell of an arguement; she hung up on me. She then sent me a SMS saying that we need to keep our distance from the arguements. i.e lets not talk to each other for a while. I agreed. 4 days later, after not hearing from her (only via SMS), I phoned to ask what was going on, and whether she wanted to break up for an indefinite period of time. She told me that she didn't want to break up, but she just needed some time and space. i had no choice but to respect her wishes. 4 days later I got offered a job, in another country (and at this point I still hadn't heard from my girlfriend), so I phoned her and I appologised for the premature contact, and I told her that I had been offered a job abroad! Crying, she told me it was for the best that we split up and she told me that for the past week she felt so relaxed not having contact with me, and that she has been able to do whatever she wanted, go where ever she wanted and be with who ever she wanted, without having me questioning everything that she did, and me not faulsly accussing her. Yes you have guessed it. I'm a very jealous guy.

 

 

I was so devastated. I cried and cried, but the strange thing is, I didn't phone her once after the breakup. I sent her one SMS to say "I miss you", but with no reply. 4 days later she phoned me (crying) and told me not to fly over to Germany in next coming days (the flight was already booked before we had broken up), and I told her that I wasn't going to go anyway, because I couldn't face seeing her as an ex, when the last time I saw her we were couple. 2 days later she sent me an SMS saying: " Hey Babe, hope u r feling ok. If there is anything I can do to help, just let me know! Love". I immediately called her back, she was crying. I told her how much I was missing her and that I wanted her back, but her response was that I needed to sort out MY life out in England (spend more time with friends and family in England, as I spent all of my free time in Germany with her), and that I needed to sort out my jealousy problem, stop the accusations etc, and that we couldn't get back together at the moment, because one week was not long enough for me to change!

 

 

Now the thing is I had realised that I had a problem, and I knew/know that I can improve on these defects I have.

My ex is at uni and I know how important university years are, I've been there myself! I realised that I was putting so much pressure on her by asking her so many stupid questions and my jealousy just got out of control. But what I'm trying to say is that I had to go through this experience to realise that I was out of order. But she doesn't beleive I can change that quickly and that I needed to prove to her that I can change.

 

 

After that conversation, I carried on with not contacting her, and even so she sent me the odd SMS, I decided not to reply to them. In the mean time I was just trying to concentrate on my well being, as I was in such a state, couldn't think straight, the confusion, tears, you name it. I was just so emotionally exhausted, and it was helping me at all, my ex texting me every other day, saying things like " Hope to hear from you soon". Well I certainly wasn't going to phone her, she was the one that had to phone me, after all she was the one that split up with me!

 

 

Eventually she called me on Sunday (crying), asking me if I wanted contact or not! Iwas put on the spot.... I paused......and then said that it would be ok to keep in contact, so I could prove to her that I can change.

 

 

But the following morning I woke up, and I felt like I was a totally different person. I decided that I did not want contact with my ex. So I wrote her a long email explaining that contact was not the way forward, that she could offer me no emotional support as I not for her. Also in the email I explained that "I am who I am, and the few defects I do have are all part of the baggage!" I sent the email, sent her a text to say to check her email and she immedietaly phoned me back to tell me she couldn't check her email and she wanted me to tell her what the email said. I told her I didn't want any contact. She said OK, but what contact when I've finally sorted myself out. My response was that there would never ever be any contact between us, cause my feelings towards her are so strong. She hung up on me.

 

 

Later that evening I received the strangest SMS from her saying:

"Don't call me babe anymore...Now I've realised...Read your email...And..."

 

 

Does anybody know the meaning of that SMS? I haven't got a clue!

 

 

Anyway, the reason I decided to stop all contact, is because I realised that it is not right for somebody to mess around with your emotions. My ex was having everything her way, and I was going along with it for far too long! If a person decides that first they need space and freedom, then they need to split up to find out who they really are as an individual, but at the same time they want to maintain contact with the person they have just split up from and they are telling them how they need to change. It is not right at all.

 

Now I feel as though I'm in control of the situation.

 

Any questions? Any views on my situation?

[torn18]

unfortunately, this can be hard. One of the problems I have had with my "boyfriend" is that whenever we say we are taking a break, we end up talking still and getting back together when this all could have been solved a long time ago by taking a true break, not talking, seeing our lives as individuals and then maybe we could have gotten back together on a basis of this is what we really want rather than this is what is comfortable. If you read my help post, you will see what I am talking about. My advice, leave it alone right now. Obviously there is some soul searching you both need to do and you cannot do it with an ex gf/bf influence. Good luck.

[greentea]

Originally posted by torn18

unfortunately, this can be hard. One of the problems I have had with my "boyfriend" is that whenever we say we are taking a break, we end up talking still and getting back together when this all could have been solved a long time ago by taking a true break, not talking, seeing our lives as individuals and then maybe we could have gotten back together on a basis of this is what we really want rather than this is what is comfortable. If you read my help post, you will see what I am talking about. My advice, leave it alone right now. Obviously there is some soul searching you both need to do and you cannot do it with an ex gf/bf influence. Good luck.

 

This is a great advice... I am at a point in my life where my boyfriend doesnt want to break up with me but wants some time alone. It is only now that I understand why he wants it. I hope I will be able to be strong and brave enough to not contact him at all.

 

Thank you.

[wecancope]

To greentea,

 

You have to be strong and brave in these situations. If your BF wants some space, then just leave him alone with his thoughts.

 

I can't tell you how many times I've been tempted to contact my ex! I'm trying so hard to convince myself that she was the one to split up with me, therefore it is her loss. It is not healthy hanging on to every shread of hope of getting back together. A split or even a break, must seriously mean a split or a break. What is the point of having contact with the person that hurt you in the first place. It's just not going to help.

 

My philosophy of love is something that never dies, and no matter what the situation or state the relationship may be in, you need to stand by your partner through thick and thin, through the highs and lows and help each other out.

[greentea]

Thanks for your advice.

 

The thing is, he wants space and time, is not ready to talk to me yet. But he doesnt want to break up with me. He makes me feel so unloved and not important. He makes me feel I am alone to deal with my issues.

 

Why is he holding on and yet make me feel all these things?

[Butterfly1]

Wecancope,

I just read your post. It sounds like your girlfriend really does have strong feelings for you but I think she is/was feeling pressure from you and stress from you when you show jealousy or when you question her every move. While I have never been in a relationship like that, I have friends that have been and it really does add stress to the relationship. Relationships are based on trust and when you are questioning her every move and action, you are NOT trusting her. I know long distance is hard but it can only work as long as there is trust, respect and commitment.

 

I think your exgirlfriend needed a break from you because the questioning or the jealousy was too much for her (as after awhile it wouldbe for anyone) I don't think this break was because she didn't love you anymore but she had to question whether the relationship was making her happy. Obviously during that time where you two took the break, she could feel some of the pressure lifted off of her where she could do what she wanted without having to report into you and possibly face you dissproving or becoming jealous of her activities. It seems that she wanted you to work on the jealousy and as much as you would like to believe you could change that part of yourself fast, it does take time....or at least she would need to see over time that you could change. When you told her that you didn't want to contact her (hence giving up on the relationship) and that you weren't going to change, she had to walk away. What else could she do? if you are not going to change then she needs to move on and hence stop talking to you (she was also probably a little hurt from your email not willing to try to change for her)

 

I understand and I know how hard it is when someone you love seems to be putting requirements/demands on the relationship (asking you to stop being jealous) and how frustrating it is when someone else has the control. You had the choice to either work on trusting her/stop being jealous or walking away from it not willing to change. You chose not to be committed to the relationship anymore and walk away. Yes, you have control over yourself and your actions, but I don't think you have control over the relationship as now she wants to move on.

 

And for the people where the boyfriends/girlfriends aske for time and space. Give it to them. I posted early but one of my good friends boyfriends said that to her and they did not talk or commnunicate for three months until he contacted her when he was ready to talk again. As hard as it is and as how hurtful as it seems that the other person is doing, leaving them alone is really best. In this case he just needed distance to assess the relationship and see how he felt. They got back together and eventually got married.

[wecancope]

Thanks for replying Butterfly1,

 

Are you saying I made a mistake in cutting off all contact? The reason why I did it was because I got hurt everytime we spoke. I told her how I felt about her and how we could work this out together.

 

I've never ever been in so much pain and confusion in my entire life!! I just thought that if I didn't talk to hear I'd heal faster!!

 

It has been nearly two weeks since I sent her the email, and I do think whether I was right to do so.

 

The thing is when we talked the last time I told her that I knew where I had gone wrong and where I needed to improve on mt "defects".

 

The last text message: Don't call me babe anymore...Now I've realised...Read your email...And...

 

What does that mean??

 

The email I sent wasn't that bad. This is what I wrote:

 

Hey Babe,

 

I'm writing this e-mail, because I've got some really important issues to discuss with you. There is no point in telling you what my feelings are towards you, where I went wrong and why I treated you the way I did, because I've already explained myself to you. I've realised where I need to improve on certain parts of my character (accusations, jealousy, arguments etc). The thing is I believe in myself, and it really doesn't matter to me whether you believe I can change or not. I am who I am, but with a few minor defects that come with package.

I've got so many regrets, but all of those things have happened and I have to learn from my mistakes and from the experience.

 

One thing that I really need you to understand is that I don't hate you, you had no choice but to do what you did. I'm only suffering because I've lost something that was very very important to me. So don't worry about what I might be thinking about you! I think nothing bad about you.

 

Babe, it is time for us to both move on. I've done what I can to express myself to you, but it didn't help. I feel that now is the time for me to recover and to find myself, like you need to discover your self. It's not a good idea to be in contact with each other anymore! I can't see why we should. I can't offer you or say anything else to improve the situation and I certainly can't offer you emotional support of any kind, like you can't offer me any emotional support. And like you explained to me last night, you have a group of amazing friends around you to support you through this difficult period, so you will have to rely on their support from now on. You might be confused right now, because the things I'm saying in this email are completely different from what I said last night, but you've got to understand that I get too confused when I'm talking to you on the telephone. Things I say get twisted, I lose my train of thought and you seem to misunderstand what I'm trying to say, like I misunderstand what you are trying to say. You've had it your way for far too long now and I can no longer hang on to any little hope there may be of anything working out between us (if there was any hope) and I'm too emotionally exhausted for all of this to carry on. I think you should enjoy the student life that you've been seeking for so long, and enjoy the freedom. After all you are only 22 years old and university life is too important for you to miss out on. I know, I've been there!

 

It hurts me writing all of this. I do love you and care about you, but this is the way I feel and I need to protect myself from even more pain. I need to concentrate on myself now and move on with my life.

I hope you can understand what I'm saying and feeling, and that you can respect my decision.

This has been a big lesson for me and I've learnt not to take things for granted, to respect the person you love and most importantly to trust that person you love. Even if you don't want to hear this, I'm sorry for the way I treated you and for putting you into the state of mind that you are currently in. My only advice to you is, be strong, stay focused and be happy with yourself.

 

I wish you all the best with your recovery and with finding all the answers you are searching for. And thank you for the three year experience that we have shared together.

 

Take care of yourself!

[Butterfly1]

That was a nice email to her but you did tell her that you did not want to have contact with her and that you wanted to move on from the relationship. Once again I can only speculate on what was going on her mind...So here I go.

 

I think she deeply cares about you and has strong feelings for you. I think she felt that the problems you had between you would take time to work through. I know it doesn't make sense if the person loves you, then why not just reconcile but obviously what had been happenning before had affected her in a stron way and the only way she could move forward with you is if she felt like you had resolved all the jealousy issues. I know you recignized your mistakes but it still takes work. This is not totally relevant but imagine a woman finally getting fed up with her husaband for having all these outside affairs with other women. The woman leaves him and won't take him back until he stops cheating on her. The husband can realize and admit that he made a mistake and that he won't do it again, but it takes awhile before the woman can trust that it won't happen again. Its not that she doesn't trust you but it just takes awhile to rebuild that aspect of your relationship.

 

From your email it appears that you did not want to continue trying to work things out. That you are sorry and that you care about her but that you want to move on and the only way you can is without contact. What did you expect her to say? My reaction if I read that and if I were her (who sounds conflicted) is that I would be hurt and angry and would write that response in an attempt to hurt you as much as you hurt me in that email. While it wasa nice email, you told her that the relationship was over and you wanted to move on.

 

Yes, you do get over someone faster if you are not talking or seeing them but is that what you want? You have to figure out whether you think you could change or whether you think this relationship is worth the amount of work it needs. Perhaps (as you suggested) you can't change your ways so maybe there is someone else out there who would be fine with how you are...In that case then you are doing the right thing.

 

And it sounds like you guys were having a lot of stress and tension building up. Perhaps these few weeks of non contact has allowed you to get some distance from the situation and figure out what you want and if you think you can work this out.

 

Breakups are never easy. Especially after three years that person really becomes a big part of you and they really are like mini deaths when you have to say goodbye and move on.

[wecancope]

By sending that email, I was just trying to protect myself and allow myself some time to try and clear my head! I was and still am in a way, so confused!!

 

In no way did I want to end it like I did, it just kind of happened. I love her so much and I miss her so much too!!

There is not one minute of the day where I don't think about her.

 

I just saw her in this comfortable position, where she could do what she wanted, but knowing that I was always there to turn back to if she got bored. So I took myself out of the picture, maybe hoping that she might panic, if she noticed I was no longer there!

 

What should I do? Before hearing from you Butterfly1, I really thought I did the right thing.

 

I do want this relationship, my view of the situation was that she no longer wanted this relationship, and I couldn't cope with just being friends with her.

[Butterfly1]

Well I don't blame you for feeling frustrated and feeling like she put you on hold. As much as you wanted to be with her, I know it didn't seem like she was giving you enough signs that she wanted to work things out. I don't know whether she was really committed to working this out or not and I think a lot of people would have snapped like you did (just wanting some resolution) I really think only time would tell if she wanted to work things out.

 

I have done the same thing as you in the past (tell someone I dind't want to talk to them again and then wonder if I had done the right thing ) I think when I have sent emails like that I secretly hope that the other person will be come back and say "No, don't cut me out...You mean so much...." but when it doesn't happen like that, just makes me feel more upset.

 

You have a couple of options:

 

1) You can contact her

2) You can not contact her

 

Now if you contact her, you will be in fact giving her some of the "power" back as you don't know if she will respond. You could perhaps around Christmas send her a card and say that are sorry about the way things had ended. You just felt that emotions had run high and that you needed a break to get some distance and perspective from the situation. You can say that you miss her and wish her well and if ever she would like to talk again, you would like her to be a part of your life.

 

You are not asking her back but merely trying to open the door for friendship and communication. Now, she can either ignore your effort or respond. If she ignores you, just focus on moving on . She might just need more time herself to figure out what happenned or perhaps just wants to move on. At least you know you did everything you did to show her that you care.

 

If you don't contact her, then just focus on you and moving on. Keeping friends with an ex is very hard to do especially when you have dated for so long. You truely need to figure out whether you think she is really the one for you. And you can give it time. There is no rush. You can contact her anytime you are ready. Some people might say not to contact her until you can really see the situation objectively and unemotionally but I think it all dpends on the person.

[wecancope]

I thank you so much for your response and advice.

 

Since I sent that email, she has not contacted at all, which is what I had asked for. But in the meantime her best friend sent me an email, asking how I was feeling, she told me what she had been up to that week and at the end of the email she wrote " Hope to hear from you soon (that is if you want to)"

 

I responded to the email very casual, telling her I was OK, keeping my mind occupied, told her about my weekend, but never mentioned anything about my ex. Was I wrong in doing this?

 

Then I received a text message from my ex's sister asking how I was feeling, that she has just moved house and she gave me her new home telephone number.

 

I sent a text message back, wishing her the best in her new home, I was feeling good and that it is always nice to hear from her. Again I did not mention my ex.

 

Now, I don't know whether I'm reading too much into this, but why would they contact me at all? And why would my ex's sister give me her new telephone number?

 

The reason for being so casual towards them, was to show them that I'm Ok and I'm getting on with my life.

[Butterfly1]

Your response to both of them was great. You could not have said anything better not telling them you are upset or not bringing her up. I am sure by the nature of their relationship with your ex, that they filled her in on what you are up to. I think its also positive as you can see that her close friends/family do not think you are some jerk or anything negative. They might have contacted you because she wanted them to or they might have just done this on their own (I think it depends on how often you ussually communicate with them). Regardless, I think its good you have these lines of communication open and they know and she knows that you are doing just fine.

[wecancope]

When my ex split up with me, I talked to her sister a few times to start off with, expressing to her how deeply I was hurt, what to do. But I stopped contacting her as she didn't seem to be too interested in what I had to say.

My ex's bestfriend I talked to, two weeks later after the split up, but again what could she tell me.

 

That first week after the split up I was in such a state. I was phoning all over the place to try and make sense of my situation, yet for some reason I was not contacting the person that dumped me in the first place of fear of being more hurt. Now I look back and think I shouldn't of contacted those who are close to my ex. I feel so embarrased!

 

I do worry that I've made the wrong decision on cutting off all contact, but then again my ex should know how I feel about her.

 

But anyway,

 

How are you coping Butterfly1? Anything new with your situation?

[Butterfly1]

I would just give your situation time. Don't beat yourself up on what you could of, should have done in the past. I think your exgirlfriend knows you care but also got the message that you don't want to talk and want to move on. I don't think she probably knows exactly how you feel - I mean do you know how she feels exactly? The two of you can only speculate about it. I really think time is your friend in this case and I think thats what both of you needed to get some distance and regroup. I think it would make you feel better if you opened the communication lines with her...but you have to remember why she wanted a breakup and try to see if you are capable of changing that way about you. Or maybe she will learn how to deal with that part of you differently.

 

Regarding my situation I have decided to let it go for now. I am so hurt over what has happenned and for everything he has said to me. First it was he was confused, then it was that he could see us together long term and got scared and how he wasn't ready for a serious relationship yet, and then it was his exgirlfriend contacting him and him remembering how he felt about her, and then hearing, no, I just didn't feel the connection with you and I don't have a reason, I just don't think I could really care about you. Part of me wants to yell at him for acting like he cared so much all summer (calling everyday, taking me away on weekends, spending all his time with me, telling me how much he cared) And then I think if he didn't feel anything for me then why was it so hard for him to see me two weeks after we broke up. You would think a person who realizes they don't care for another would be okay breaking up with them in person or at least seeing them/facing them when they were suppose to have lunch. He went completley psycho that day and admitted to me that he did later. Everytime I talk to him, I get a differnet reason and I feel like the more I have talked to him, the farther I have pushed him away. So, I have decided that I am not going to contact him about my Dr appointment like I told him. I haven't shut the door but I just need to pull back. I can only hope that he realizes down the road that what we had was good and how he reacted had more to do with the issues he was going through in his life then me not being right for him. Part of me wants to tell him what I think of why he broke up with me and hope that it would enlighten him - but maybe people can't hear that from someone else and they just need to figure it out on their own. I don't know.

[wecancope]

Hey,

 

How long ago did this guy split up from his ex before going out with you?

[Butterfly1]

I met him last March he was on a "break" with her. When I went out on a date with him (not knowing about her) he acted very weird. He sent me an email a few days later telling me that he was on a break with his girlfriend (for the past 3 weeks) and thought he was ready to date again, but wasn't. I told him we could keep in touch. I came back in June and we went out on another date. He told me that they officially broke up a few weeks before.

 

He also told me that they hadn't been intimate since February and I sort of took that as the breakup but I guess I was mistaken. I found out later on that there wasn't much "intimacy" in their relationship as she was very religious.

 

It probably was too soon to start get into another relationship but we both said we would just go with the flow. He told me that I was very refreshing to be around and that I had all the qualities he looked for that his ex didn't have. I have just never fallen so hard for someone like that before.

[wecancope]

I'm so sorry that you've caught yourself up in this situation. I can really feel for you.

 

I'm just trying to put myself into his situation, so please bare with me.....

 

So we both know that is not a very good idea to rush into a new relationship. True? Presently I don't feel as though I could do that, but then again I feel the urge of companionship. If they had long relationship and it's over all of a sudden, there is a void in your life that needs to be satisfied, the void being the companionship.

 

I would definitly get into a relationship at this present moment, only if that person makes me feel good, somebody that helps me keep my mind of my ex etc. I've filled that void by being with that person. But if my ex was back on the scene, presuming that we hadn't had contact since the break up and she was being nice to me, I'd be in a situation where I'd like to do what I can to get back with her (after all my feelings for her were strong after the split up), but I'd feel really guilty hurting the other person that I've just started dating (afterall she was there when my ex wasn't).

 

Does any of this make sense? I can only tell you what I'd probably feel.

[lost_in_chgo]

Butterfly - pulling back and keeping the door open is the best way I think.

 

Like wecancope, I too sent a no contact email, though I think it's a bit more

positive in regard to future contact.

 

You said that you still wanted to be friends. I've tried, but when you refuse

to have any personal contact beyond online chatting you make it 1000 times

harder. You've been pushing me away for two months and at the same time

telling me you want to be friends.

 

If you can't bear to see me, then it is probably better for both of us

that we don't have any contact at all until you sort this out. I will not

bother you any more.

 

Whatever has happened I accept that

you don't love me anymore or that at least you aren't sure. I know that you are

trying to make a life with someone else. Or, at least a life without me.

 

You were much more than just a girlfriend to me. And I don't want to lose my

soul mate, the life we talked about and my best friend all at the same time.

I am willing to wait while you sort everything out. You are more than worth it.

 

I just want to see you and be friends again. Please try. I really do miss talking to you.

 

My door is open to you for whatever you are willing to give.

I wont ask for any more.

 

I think she is confused about what she wants at this point. She posted a personal ad online saying that she want's a non-committed relationship or friendship. But when she started seeing the first guy, she talked to her friends as if he was going to be a long term thing. That broke down, and she said it was because he wasn't financially stable and had no prospects (the opposite of me . But now she is trying again with someone else.

 

This is the second to last phase of the divorce recovery cycle, where she has a series of "90 day wonder" romances after which she is expected to try to settle down a bit, find her center, isolate herself a bit and then start thinking about the long term reality of her life and what she wants. That is the point at which she will make her final decision about me I think. All I can do is wait and see what she does. How long it will take is unknown. I'm still hesitant to (and disinterested in) starting up with someone else until this plays out a bit more. But then I haven't met anyone that interests me lately. I am quite realistic about her, in that I know that I could find someone that is more physically attractive, with less baggage, and without this breakup issue, but all in all, I will be hard pressed to find someone that is so compatible with me on a day to day basis.

 

I'm really surprised that I am open to waiting at all. In the past I would said F*** her and moved on without ever considering taking her back. Perhaps it's the perspective of age. Or perhaps it's just a stronger love. Either way it's suprising to me that I feel this way.

[Butterfly1]

I can understand that but he was the one that broke up with her because he did not feel like they were right for each other. They fought a lot, she was very demanding/high maintenance. He told me there relationship was good for a few months and had been very bad for a long time and they had been on and off for 6 months. (and they dated for 1 1/2 years including the on and off part) He told me he wanted to move on.

 

Flash forward four months and his exgirlfriend starts contacting him again and coming by (she lives on his floor) He sees her again and I know he considered going back to her. He broke up with me (on a voice mail) He spent time with her (nothing happenned) and quickly realized that he does not want to get back together with her. That the problems that were there before are still there. She is still dropping by his apartment and in fact moved to an apartment even closer to him on his floor. He feels like he won't be able to "escape" her until he moves out of the building in June and doesn't want to date anyone as he feel uncomfortable dating someone when she is so close. Is that normal?

 

Part of the reason he told her they broke up (besides not being right for each) was that he didn't have time for a relationship. He works a lot and goes to school every other weekend. I know he felt guilty when she found out that he was seeing someone else.

 

If she had broken up with him or I thought for one second he wanted to work things out with her, I would have never have gotten involved. I just figured he was over her when we started dating.

[lost_in_chgo]

June and doesn't want to date anyone as he feel uncomfortable dating someone when she is so close. Is that normal?

 

That's kinda wierd, but she would probably disrupt any relationship, so maybe it makes sense.

 

Sounds like he is still thinking about it. June is a long time to put things off, just because she is around. Sounds like he is trying to spare her feelings more than anything else.

[Butterfly1]

To lost_in_chgo,

 

First question is how long did you date and why did she want to break up with you? Your email to her was nice but you also gave her a lot of power. While I have to agree that she should be the one initiating contact, you don't want it to seem like you are waiting around for her. As noble as that is and how nice that is, she should know that you are going to be moving on with your life. Sometimes you don't know the value of what you have until it is lost and if she thinks that you are waiting for her, she hasn't lost you. - Make sense? But I think you are wise to in not contacting her for now. Let her do that when she is ready.

 

Regarding her personal, even if I was looking for a serious relationship, I would never post that. I definately would not read too much into what she posted. She is looking to see what else is out there and you should too. She has doubts and maybe at this point you should as well. I think the hardest part of a breakup is the starting over. When you had her in your life, she knew you and you could imagine a future with her....Starting over is hard becuase now the future is uncertain and that void is so hard to fill. Just give it time. Being the one against the breakup, I think these things just take longer as we still have that hope that the other might come back.

[Butterfly1]

Who knows. He might change his mind later on or have a different story as it always changing. He also told me that since he broke up with me he hasn't had any desire to go out or date anyone and that he feels very asexual. That makes no sense to me as well.

[wecancope]

So in a way his ex is stalking him, without him realising it and he can't seem to escape from it!!

 

He must be sat there right now, contemplating on what he needs to do with HIS life. He is making himself a number one priority, before everything else.

 

Maybe he feels as though he is in a situation where he feels he is just hurting everyone around him whatever he does.

 

He doesn't want to hurt his ex by being with you, but then he doesn't want to hurt you by having her around. I'm pretty sure that he does have strong feelings towards you.

 

So when was the last time you had contact with him?

[lost_in_chgo]

Butterfly -

It's convoluted, but 7 months, with a working relationship to a strong friendship for 2 years prior to that. We've known each other about 4 years. More details here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=134472#post134472

[lost_in_chgo]

Butterfly-

that asexual thing does make sense. He isn't looking elsewhere. Actually that's a good sign I think. I kinda feel the same way, and I am looking for a reconciliation down the road.

 

As far as her having the power, that's maybe not a bad thing. She could use the power now, and that's maybe what the whole thing is about. Divorce has a way of knocking people to their knees, especially the ones that don't admit they are hurting. A little control could be a good thing for her to have.