A fun story :)

[ludovico]

Hello... I'm looking for some advice - well, maybe more validation...

 

Here's my story - it's a bit long and complicated, but thank you to whoever is brave enough to endure it and offer their insight....

 

 

 

My ex and I were together for 5 1/2 years... It was a long distance relationship, and my first serious relationship - she's in the US and I'm in Canada. She is 10 years older than me.

 

At the beginning we were inseperable and the passion was so red hot and otherworldly - I can't even describe how easily and quickly I fell for this woman. We said all the I love you's, I want only you forever, if anything happens I will always be there for you... etc etc etc....

 

She taughted me how to start up a business and we operated it together and we discussed me moving there or her moving here - eventually, she abandonded her idea of her moving here (which would have been much easier to do considering her job was remote and the VISA requirements aren't as strict as in the US).

 

We eventually got engaged and I was planning to move there but I had accumulated some debt through the business we started (which I decided to close as I felt I couldn't operate it on my own) and due to VISA requirements in the US, I couldn't live there for more than 6 months at a time and work at the same time, so I had no way to pay down my debt. So I stayed in Canada working any job that I could find. I told her we should just get married and it will at least solve the VISA issue, but she didn't want to use marriage as a tool for us to be together.

 

As the months went on she became increasingly distant. She wouldn't make any time for our relationship. She wouldn't talk on the phone with me. Or Skype. Or MSN/Yahoo Messenger. She would only email me. I would confront her as to why she was never around anymore. She was insistent that her life was there, and I would have to go there if the relationship was to survive. I remember this one trip I went there and she had become a full-fledged smoker, which is a big pet peeve of mine. I told her that I wasn't cool with it and her response was "Well, you're not here, so I'm gonna do what I want." Nice. But of course, I wanted to please her, always putting her interests first, so I put up with it. I could tell she was changing right in front of my eyes but I didnt want to let go of the woman I fell in love with.

 

She ended up buying a house (she said it was for "our future family") that she eventually couldn't afford, and had to recruit her ex and his kids to come live with her to help pay the mortgage. To say I wasn't happy about it is an understatement. But I wanted us to succeed so much, that I told her as long as it was temporary and there's nothing going on with her and her ex, that I would put up with it - but it had to be TEMPORARY.

 

The relationship eventually turned into me having to pay off my bills, save up some money and move there, and she wouldn't help me at all.

 

Nice.

 

About 3 years in, just after New Years, she dumped me...via email. She told me that she still loved me, but just couldn't do it anymore, and that she wanted to remain friends. I respected her decision and made an effort to be there for her because when things were going great (in the beginning) I made a promise to always be there for her. We had saved up some money for a wedding which we split 50/50. Everything was amicable. We kept in touch via email. 6 months later, she asked me to take her back. Still madly in love with her, I did.

 

Things didn't change though. It was still an email relationship. She would constantly break plans when I would bring up visiting her, or her coming here. We saw each other twice in a span of 2 years.

 

The first visit was awkward. Intuition was telling me something just wasn't right. She was different and I think I had become different too. I had a huge load on my shoulders and felt like she had placed the weight of the relationship on my back - for me to deal with. We talked about how much debt I had left to pay and I said, it might be another year and she replied "Well, I'm not going anywhere - I've waited this long whats a bit longer!?" That made me happy, knowing she was willing to make sacrifices and make this work.

 

We didnt see each other for a whole year - and it wasnt for lack of trying on my part. She would constantly break plans and even bailed on attending my sisters wedding - which she knew was important to me. I think there were maybe 3 or 4 trips she bailed on - one of them she "overslept" and missed her flight! Anyways...

 

We finally got together and I told her that I still had some debt left - I mean, I still had to live somewhere, pay rent, eat food, etc. etc. etc. She wasn't having any of it. She lost complete faith in me and said I've had more than enough time to "get my **** together" - but she didn't end it. I told her that when I do move there, I will have to sell most of my possessions anyways, so the remaining debt that I had, really wasn't a big deal. But she didn't care. She had an "family emergency" pop up during this argument - and bailed. I was left alone and eventually went back to the airport and back to Canada.

 

We stayed together for the next 4 months. But she wasn't really there. She would send me messages saying that she hasn't given up on me, and then she forgot my birthday - not even forgot, she didn't even know when my birthday was. Didn't even talk to her on Christmas. I paid off my debt in these months and was gearing up to move there to be with her in a few months. Sold everything - and I mean everything! I told her I had paid off all my debt - at one point I was sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag because I sold my bed!

 

Just after New Years, she dumped me again, via email. Said it's over, she can't do it anymore, that I needed to grow up, and it was now "time to live for herself". I was floored by that statement. I had made so many concessions for this woman, that I completely lost my own sense of identity. I had become this person that was willing to do anything I had to, to keep the promise I made to her.

 

She told me she wanted to remain friends and I said no. I flat out refused, said I couldn't do it, I can't even think straight, I don't know which way is up. My world was literally shattered. She threw a fit and I felt guilty that I was going back on my promise of "we'll always be friends." I asked her "did you cheat?" (which I had long suspected as her behavior became distant and she started putting more effort into her looks) and she said no. So, on that condition, I relented, and told her that I would keep the lines of communication open, but I didn't contact her.

 

About 2 months later she started texting my phone - "how are you?", "i miss you", "i miss your laugh and friendship", "are you dating?"... I was starting to think that maybe there was a chance we could still make this work.

 

About a month later, she revealed to me that she has been dating a guy from another state. I said "wow, another long distance relationship?" and she said "actually he moved here to be with me, which is something I couldn't get you to do in 5 years of trying." She also revealed that he is 1 year, YOUNGER than me.

 

Nice.

 

Remember - according to her, I needed to grow up.

 

I did some sleuthing and found evidence online that they had known each other for a good while before she ended things with me. So she pretty much was stringing me along for months (maybe the entire final year) until she could break from me and bounce to him. And who knows, she could've been dating him, or sleeping with him - I mean, you don't just meet someone in January and move to be with them in March unless you really have nothing going on in your life.

 

I lost it.

 

The next day I told her I can't be her friend anymore and not to contact me ever again.

 

She responded with "wow, now that you've gotten what you need, its just bye bye - that whole "we'll always be friends" was just a crock... thanks"

 

I told her it wasn't a crock and that i tried for her so much but that I was so messed up from our breakup that I couldnt be around her and that I would like to eventually be friends but theres no way I was ready for that.

 

A few months later I began to have nightmares about her and figured, it's been 6 months, I have to get my **** together - no use pining for someone that has moved on. I started going through some things and (stupid me) I emailed her saying I was going to send back some stuff she had given me. This wasn't a gift but just some art she had drawn and I didn't want to throw it away. Mind you, I'll admit, I was also curious as to how she was doing, hoped she was ok (nightmares) and I missed her terribly.

 

So she emailed back saying she didnt want them and she didnt care what I did with them - I emailed back an apologized, as I had no ill intent.

 

She emailed back saying something like why would i even bother contact her if i wanted to keep them (makes no sense). I told her they were a painful reminder and again, I apologized for bothering and upsetting her.

 

She wrote back this long-winded email (and copied her new bf in on it) - saying fine, send back the art, and also demanded I send back a very expensive gift (autographed guitar) she gave me when we first started dating. She ranted about how I've turned into a bitch, said I was childish, to keep my painful thoughts to myself and that she was on a trip with her new bf and I disturbed their evening. She said send everything back and she was done with all my drama and we have nothing more to talk about.

 

So again, I apologized for disturbing them and I said I would send it all back.

 

My head was spinning and at this point and people around me had to kinda punch me in the face to wake up. I changed my phone number. I changed my email. Deleted her from messenger. I literally became a ghost.

 

A few months later I found out that she contacted my father looking for me and demanding I send back the guitar or else she and her "fiance" were going to come to Canada and physically take it back.

 

That really pissed me off. It's one thing to keep things between us but now she was involving my family members - so I took the bait and emailed her. She told me she wanted "her guitar" back. She didnt even mention the paintings. I told her I donated everything to charity. It's gone.

 

She didn't like that. Went off again saying I was the biggest mistake of her life, how she was going to ruin me, she was gonna sue me, send intimate photos of me to my family and friends - just really nasty stuff. It crossed the line. Well, the last 2 emails crossed the line LOL It doesn't matter how angry I was/am at her, I would never say the things she said to me. Ever. You don't treat people you care about like that. (I say she doesnt care, but people say she obviously does care)

 

I didn't respond. I blocked her again and haven't spoken to her since.

 

So, to say it was a nasty breakup is putting it mildly.

 

 

 

Since then, I have become a very different person. I agree with her that I did need to grow up. Even writing this post I look at some of the actions I took and think, why would I do that? LOL I felt about 10 years older than I actually am after that relationship ended.

 

I've done a lot of work on myself - A LOT - rebuilding my confidence and self-esteem. Becoming responsible for my life. Rediscovering my identity. I now have a backbone LOL But I now have walls. Very, very strong walls. And I no longer have faith in long-term love - which is sad because I take no joy from superficial relationships. So I am just... alone.

 

I guess what I'm looking for is validation that one day I will find someone that actually will stick it out for the long-term. And maybe I am over-analyzing why she left because being in a long distance relationship is not the same as one where both partners are together. And maybe my friends and family are right that she just isn't a nice person, shes superficial, shes crazy, she has her own demons, and isn't someone I would WANT to be around for the rest of my life anyways.

 

Do I want her back? No.

 

Do I think about her still? Yes. Way more than I should.

 

Am I in love with her? .... I think I am in love with the memory of who she was - or who she presented to me in the beginning stages of our relationship. But after showing her true colors in the latter years of our relationship, there is no way in hell I would take her back.

 

I think what I am having trouble with the most is the whole "i want to be with you forever" stuff we said to each other. She obviously didn't take it seriously, but I did. I would've gone the rest of my life trying to make things work with her - no matter what might happen to me.

 

Maybe I am just naive. Now that I have started to "grow up", I feel like... where does it end? It's true I can be quite the kid sometimes, but in a fun, charming way. A lot of women seem to like that - but maybe they are the wrong type of women I'm attracting? To my ex, I needed to grow up, but to someone else maybe I don't need to grow up? And maybe my ex was just a manipulative, emotional abuser that preys on weaker people?

 

I've dated women since then - but nothing substantial. I have a big trust issue now and I feel like I'm not going to settle for someone that I don't feel that spark with. And I haven't felt it with anyone since.

 

My fear is that my ex has scarred me to the point where I am now like her. That no one will be good enough for me so I wont stick it out. I know it is all in my own head and my attitude that determines my life and my happiness, but I just have this sick feeling of despair and unworthiness and loneliness. But I don't want to date just to get rid of it - that would mean I'm just masking it with co-depency. And I dont want to take drugs because I'm not really depressed... just... indifferent. Almost robotic I guess.

 

So... yeah... LOL thoughts?

 

Thanks again for reading my post.

 

And yes, I am obsessive, and probably a bit crazy

[Buttercup84]

Wow ! What a story . Sorry you went through that . Honestly , you don't have to grow up , she does . But I doubt that she will . She sounds like a messed up selfish cow . Women would love a guy like you , someone who cares and makes an effort . Don't let her ruin you . Don't change and don't let her ruin your chance of meeting a girl who will give it back to you. but next time know when to leave , we all have to learn that sadly , and it's hard . Shes the loser here , not you .

[ludovico]

thanks for your support Buttercup...

 

just writing that all out made me feel good - I've vented to friends and family but its nice to hear what total strangers have to say about it...