New here, my story

[sillychick]

Hi all

 

I have just started reading this area of LS. I read a lot on the dating area also but now have a situation and would love your input.

 

I started dating a guy back in the spring that I met on Match. He is newly separated.

 

We clicked only in a friend way in the beginning, and he really seemed to need a friend. He had been beaten down by his wife of 20 some years and I think he really enjoyed my friendship. I am recently divorced myself and was happy to help him sort through his feelings.

 

His wife had a long term affair a couple of years ago and he is having a hard time with it. He's still angry and resentful and it seems they never really worked through it although he did stay in the house at the time. His ego has been crushed and I think he enjoyed my frienship and also some female attention and compliments from me.

 

He moved out in the spring and decided to start dating, even though he's not really sure if he's done with his marriage. Once I knew that I treaded very lightly feeling like he could go back to his wife at any time.

 

He is definitely moved out I have been to his place a few times.

 

After 3 months of just friendship we started sleeping together. We talk about this ALL the time. He's afraid to hurt me, he wants to make sure I know where he's at emotionally with his marriage, he's not sure if sleeping together was the right choice, etc.

 

IMO he's been nothing but straight up honest with me. I still know he may go back to his wife. I'm still willing to keep seeing him even though I know it probably means certain heartache for me down the road. I have chosen to ride it out. He's a great friend to me and we have a lot of fun together. The sex is good but it's so much more than the sex. We do a lot of things together during the limited amount of time we do spend together, and we e-mail each other almost every day talking about our day and our feelings and things like that.

 

He occasionally starts to pull away from me and when he does I give him his space. Then when we talk again it seems his pulling away is him feeling guilty for bringing me into this mess. Of course I came along willingly. I really think that there has been times when he decides that he needs to 'quit me' because we're getting more and more involved, and because he feels guilty about bringing me in, but then decides that he doesn't want me out of his life.

 

He has said as much. That he can't imagine his life w/o me in it. That he's 'drawn to me', that he would marry me if he was single, that he's grateful to have met me and things like that.

 

I'm a smart, independent woman in my early 40's and I'm too busy raising my kids right now to worry too much about full on relationships. So I set out just looking for someone to date when my ex had the kids. Go to a movie, see a show, cook dinner, etc., etc. So when I found he was separated with only one foot out the door I wasn't worried about dating him.

 

Neither of us are seeing other people. He calls what we have 'a relationship' even though we don't call each other bf/gf or anything like that. I does feel like we are building a relationship. We talk/text/e-mail throughout the day every day. Because I have the kids a lot and I won't introduce a guy to my kids this early on we only see each other about 3 times a month.

 

But of course even though I didn't set out looking for this, I have fallen in love with him. It's been about 5-6 months and he is someone I can see myself with. I keep these feelings to myself even though I suspect he is falling in love with me also by the things he says to me, with how passionate the lovemaking is, etc.

 

So here's where I need input because I'm so confused.

 

In the past 2 weeks his wife has really come down on him to make a decision. She's tired of living in limbo (can't blame her!!). File for divorce, move back in the house, see a marriage counselor, do something. At one point about 3 weeks ago she told him she wanted a divorce. He said he wouldn't fight it but he wouldn't be the one to initiate it either. I almost wonder if he does want a divorce but doesn't want to be the one to file so he won't feel as guilty regarding the kids. I don't ask because I don't want to put ANY pressure on him at all.

 

He's not sure what he wants to do. I don't think his decision has anything to do with me. I think his decision is much bigger than that. A long marriage and 2 kids. I don't think his decision is 'do I choose my wife or sillychick' I think his decision is 'do I try to make my marriage work or get out of my marriage'. We don't talk about the future or make future plans or anything like that.

 

But yet I know when he thinks about his wife he feels anger and resentment and when he looks at me he just sees happy and fun. In order for him to make his marriage work he's going to have to give me up of course. (if they start counseling or he moves back in the house, I am DONE. I will not go down that road).

 

So this past week has been really tough on me. Knowing that she is pushing him to make a decision (his words, not mine) I have stepped completely back to give him his space. If he e-mails, I return the e-mail. If he texts, I return the text. But that's it. There's been no flirting, no planning the next time we see each other. Contact has been low (almost every day but much less than our usual) I do not want to push him at all. I don't know if I'm even ready for a real relationship right now so the last thing I want him to do is to leave his wife for me, assuming I'll be there for him, etc. I love him and I want him as part of my life. I know it's contradictory. It's just that I didn't set out to find what I found in him so I'm confused and it would freak me out for him to leave his wife FOR me. If he files for divorce it should be because he wants out of his marriage.

 

He tells me he's doing a lot of soul searching this week but has not told me what's going on in that brain of his. So I'm not sure if he's pulling back because he's made a decision to go back or if he's pulling back because he's just trying to decide what to do so he needs his space. Or maybe he's pulling back because he has told her he will work on the marriage and/or go to counseling and is just trying to find a way to tell me, knowing that it's over between us when he does.

 

Last week when he was fretting again about putting me through this I said to him 'what's the worst that can happen?' and he said 'I go back to my wife and you never see me again' and I said 'if that happens I will dust myself off and I'll be fine, stop worrying about me. You worry about you, I'll worry about me'.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure what my question is here. I guess I just needed to get it out and have people listen and chime in.

 

His wife knows he's dating. She does not know about me per se but she knew that he was on Match and that he had dated a few others before me.

 

I don't feel like some OW who have MM who are sleeping in the same bed with their wives at night and promising the OW they are going to leave soon. My guy is sleeping alone at night and telling me he might be going back to his wife soon. Strange.

 

And for the record from everything he has told me, I don't think his marriage is fixable. I think he might go back one more time to try to make it work because he feels in the back of his mind that he might be able to fix it, but from what I've heard I think it's long over. That's just my opinion. In the beginning he even told me that he thinks they both know it's over but they are both afraid to do something about it.

 

I think I just need to continue to give him his space while trying to protect my heart. What do you all think?

[whichwayisup]

The fact is, they've never tried to fix their marriage and to walk away, especially when there are kids involved, without trying and giving it their best, might be something they BOTH regret one day. If their marriage isn't fixable, atleast they can say they gave it their best shot.

 

Tough situation to be in but you seem to have a great head on your shoulders, know what's what and there's no lying, playing games, gaslighting, etc so that's a good thing.

 

As much as it may hurt you, you may have to be the one to really step back and enforce some action. He doesn't want to be the bad guy (bring up divorce, push it) yet he doesn't want to go forward either. Staying in a stand still isn't healthy or good for anybody.

[sillychick]

The fact is, they've never tried to fix their marriage and to walk away, especially when there are kids involved, without trying and giving it their best, might be something they BOTH regret one day. If their marriage isn't fixable, atleast they can say they gave it their best shot.

 

Tough situation to be in but you seem to have a great head on your shoulders, know what's what and there's no lying, playing games, gaslighting, etc so that's a good thing.

 

As much as it may hurt you, you may have to be the one to really step back and enforce some action. He doesn't want to be the bad guy (bring up divorce, push it) yet he doesn't want to go forward either. Staying in a stand still isn't healthy or good for anybody.

 

You're right on all counts. At one point I actually told him that if he thinks he can make it work that he needs to try. Because IMO when you walk away you need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you did all you could. To me that is a gift. The gift of no regret. I think you need it to move on and not look back.

 

But also I think sometimes sitting in limbo gets to be comfortable. And you'll stay in that comfortable situation until it becomes unbearable and only then will you make a decision.

 

I'm not pushing him to make any decision on my account, and for a long while his wife wasn't pushing him either. So there he sat enjoying my company but yet not having to go through the pain of divorce or the difficulty of really working on his marriage.

 

What is gaslighting btw? I've seen it written a lot but don't know what it means.

 

Guess we'll see how it all plays out. Thanks!!

[geejayess]

'Gaslighting' is making a person think that everything is one way but acting as if it is another. For example- having someone say "I love you, you are my soul mate, I can't stand to be away from you." But then they are constantly arguing with you, distancing themselves, and in general making you crazy.

[alexandria35]

Sillychick, this sounds like a real day to day situation that could change at any moment. Good that you have a strong grasp of the situation and that you are treading carefully. You are so right that he needs to make his decision based on the marriage itself, not because he's choosing between you and his wife. Sounds like he knows that too and at least he's not trying to make you responsible for what he chooses. I like that when he moved out he got his own place and took responsibility for himself.

 

Whatever your MM decides, you are in a precarious position. Should he decide on divorce he will need 1-2 years to grieve the end of his marriage. During this time he may blow hot and cold towards you. One day he might act madly in love with you and then the next be cold and aloof. Once he is stronger and recovered he might decide to move on from everything that was part of his marriage and divorce and that might include you. Or he might feel that after a long marriage he deserves to be single and play the field for a while. You are wise to give him a wide berth right now and to continue to do during his divorce if that is what he decides on.

 

I hope this all works out for you. Keep your life full and meaningful and don't make him the center of your world. Focus on making the best life for you and your kids regardless of his choice and you should be fine whatever happens.

[MissBee]

Hi all

 

I have just started reading this area of LS. I read a lot on the dating area also but now have a situation and would love your input.

 

I started dating a guy back in the spring that I met on Match. He is newly separated.

 

We clicked only in a friend way in the beginning, and he really seemed to need a friend. He had been beaten down by his wife of 20 some years and I think he really enjoyed my friendship. I am recently divorced myself and was happy to help him sort through his feelings.

 

His wife had a long term affair a couple of years ago and he is having a hard time with it. He's still angry and resentful and it seems they never really worked through it although he did stay in the house at the time. His ego has been crushed and I think he enjoyed my frienship and also some female attention and compliments from me.

 

He moved out in the spring and decided to start dating, even though he's not really sure if he's done with his marriage. Once I knew that I treaded very lightly feeling like he could go back to his wife at any time.

 

He is definitely moved out I have been to his place a few times.

 

After 3 months of just friendship we started sleeping together. We talk about this ALL the time. He's afraid to hurt me, he wants to make sure I know where he's at emotionally with his marriage, he's not sure if sleeping together was the right choice, etc.

 

IMO he's been nothing but straight up honest with me. I still know he may go back to his wife. I'm still willing to keep seeing him even though I know it probably means certain heartache for me down the road. I have chosen to ride it out. He's a great friend to me and we have a lot of fun together. The sex is good but it's so much more than the sex. We do a lot of things together during the limited amount of time we do spend together, and we e-mail each other almost every day talking about our day and our feelings and things like that.

 

He occasionally starts to pull away from me and when he does I give him his space. Then when we talk again it seems his pulling away is him feeling guilty for bringing me into this mess. Of course I came along willingly. I really think that there has been times when he decides that he needs to 'quit me' because we're getting more and more involved, and because he feels guilty about bringing me in, but then decides that he doesn't want me out of his life.

 

He has said as much. That he can't imagine his life w/o me in it. That he's 'drawn to me', that he would marry me if he was single, that he's grateful to have met me and things like that.

 

I'm a smart, independent woman in my early 40's and I'm too busy raising my kids right now to worry too much about full on relationships. So I set out just looking for someone to date when my ex had the kids. Go to a movie, see a show, cook dinner, etc., etc. So when I found he was separated with only one foot out the door I wasn't worried about dating him.

 

Neither of us are seeing other people. He calls what we have 'a relationship' even though we don't call each other bf/gf or anything like that. I does feel like we are building a relationship. We talk/text/e-mail throughout the day every day. Because I have the kids a lot and I won't introduce a guy to my kids this early on we only see each other about 3 times a month.

 

But of course even though I didn't set out looking for this, I have fallen in love with him. It's been about 5-6 months and he is someone I can see myself with. I keep these feelings to myself even though I suspect he is falling in love with me also by the things he says to me, with how passionate the lovemaking is, etc.

 

So here's where I need input because I'm so confused.

 

In the past 2 weeks his wife has really come down on him to make a decision. She's tired of living in limbo (can't blame her!!). File for divorce, move back in the house, see a marriage counselor, do something. At one point about 3 weeks ago she told him she wanted a divorce. He said he wouldn't fight it but he wouldn't be the one to initiate it either. I almost wonder if he does want a divorce but doesn't want to be the one to file so he won't feel as guilty regarding the kids. I don't ask because I don't want to put ANY pressure on him at all.

 

He's not sure what he wants to do. I don't think his decision has anything to do with me. I think his decision is much bigger than that. A long marriage and 2 kids. I don't think his decision is 'do I choose my wife or sillychick' I think his decision is 'do I try to make my marriage work or get out of my marriage'. We don't talk about the future or make future plans or anything like that.

 

But yet I know when he thinks about his wife he feels anger and resentment and when he looks at me he just sees happy and fun. In order for him to make his marriage work he's going to have to give me up of course. (if they start counseling or he moves back in the house, I am DONE. I will not go down that road).

 

So this past week has been really tough on me. Knowing that she is pushing him to make a decision (his words, not mine) I have stepped completely back to give him his space. If he e-mails, I return the e-mail. If he texts, I return the text. But that's it. There's been no flirting, no planning the next time we see each other. Contact has been low (almost every day but much less than our usual) I do not want to push him at all. I don't know if I'm even ready for a real relationship right now so the last thing I want him to do is to leave his wife for me, assuming I'll be there for him, etc. I love him and I want him as part of my life. I know it's contradictory. It's just that I didn't set out to find what I found in him so I'm confused and it would freak me out for him to leave his wife FOR me. If he files for divorce it should be because he wants out of his marriage.

 

He tells me he's doing a lot of soul searching this week but has not told me what's going on in that brain of his. So I'm not sure if he's pulling back because he's made a decision to go back or if he's pulling back because he's just trying to decide what to do so he needs his space. Or maybe he's pulling back because he has told her he will work on the marriage and/or go to counseling and is just trying to find a way to tell me, knowing that it's over between us when he does.

 

Last week when he was fretting again about putting me through this I said to him 'what's the worst that can happen?' and he said 'I go back to my wife and you never see me again' and I said 'if that happens I will dust myself off and I'll be fine, stop worrying about me. You worry about you, I'll worry about me'.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure what my question is here. I guess I just needed to get it out and have people listen and chime in.

 

His wife knows he's dating. She does not know about me per se but she knew that he was on Match and that he had dated a few others before me.

 

I don't feel like some OW who have MM who are sleeping in the same bed with their wives at night and promising the OW they are going to leave soon. My guy is sleeping alone at night and telling me he might be going back to his wife soon. Strange.

 

And for the record from everything he has told me, I don't think his marriage is fixable. I think he might go back one more time to try to make it work because he feels in the back of his mind that he might be able to fix it, but from what I've heard I think it's long over. That's just my opinion. In the beginning he even told me that he thinks they both know it's over but they are both afraid to do something about it.

I think I just need to continue to give him his space while trying to protect my heart. What do you all think?

 

I do think you should give him space and protect your heart, that would be wise. A lesson I am learning myself is that, giving your heart to someone is a serious matter , even putting someone in the position to POSSIBLY have your heart is serious, and if embarked upon willy nilly can lead you into so much despair.

 

Your story is like so many others' (not just people in As), in terms of not wanting something serious, having a "friend" but the lines are blurred where it's an ambiguous relationship, that is not platonic but not committed, and then it becomes very confusing and not very casual at all to one or both. I have found myself in that slip and slide scenario myself and felt like it "just happened" but now I know I have to be smart and protect my heart, which means I can't enter into ambiguous arrangements loosely as a lot of times, if there is some connection there, it will not stay platonic and stress-free...and they often end up defeating their original "purpose" of being low pressure fun times.

 

I think you're a smart woman and I agree with what you know to be true, which is you should give him space and protect yourself. I don't find anyone fresh out of a relationship to be prime dating material, so I wouldn't advise anyone to put themselves on the line for a situation like that, further someone still married. He is going to do what he wants/needs to do for himself, as he rightfully should, and you should protect your heart, live your life and allow him the chance to choose you or to not choose you. Either way, you'll be fine and if you're not his choice, it will hurt but it probably means something better is in store.

Edited August 27, 2011 by MissBee

[TurboGirl]

PLENTY of space....

 

Sillychick he is not "done" with his M. This leaving his W, getting his own place, dating, sleeping with you... I think it is his way of doing a test run to see if he likes it out there being on his own, or seeing if there are other women who interest him.

 

If he was "done" and he & his W were on the way to divorce court, she would not be still calling & asking to get on with it... either we go to counseling or divorce, etc. Really can't blame her... sounds like he did not give it a fair shake when he was there.

 

All this "I can't imagine my life without you" is like a drowning man clinging to a life preserver... if his W gives a good indication that she wants him back and wants to go to counseling, you can bet that he will throw you overboard and go running back, tail 'tween his legs.

 

He needs to stand on his own, sans woman, and get a grip on his life. I don't think he can't do that.

 

Give him LOTS of space, and I would be looking again for a truly single man withouth all that drama, who can really be there for you.

[Silly_Girl]

You seem to have a great 'problem'. Compared to most who arrive here, I mean, sorry sillychick! You have a great relationship with someone you feel deeply for, and it may turn out to be wonderful and amazing. However, you have a good life and you are very grounded in that there is significant evidence to suggest that he may choose to return to his marriage. Which would - rightly - as you say, leave no place for him in your world.

 

Is the uncertainty bothering you? It would me, but we're all different. Some people just don't like to make decisions and prefer others to do the work for them. Could your guy be like that?

 

I agree with the 'space' thing. Give him plenty. I don't have a huge problem with him dating whilst 'not done' at home. Relationships are hard. There's sometimes that boiling frog thing where you don't know how bad things are because of incremental worsening and lack of perspective. Likewise, the adage of not knowing what you've got until it's gone. That can be true too. If a relationship is stagnating and unhappy, trial separation is a good idea. And if no one is being lied to, why not date? Lots of us don't know what's out there, and how happy we can be, until we find it. Maybe your guy and his wife need to be sure there's nothing 'better' out there before they recommit fully and properly.

 

That's NO reflection on you, but his relationship with you is all relative to his marriage, some people are better 'fit's than others.

 

I do, however, think you should be honest with him about how you feel. You don't have to make any grand declarations but the level of your feelings... I think if he's to make a decision he ought make an informed one. And I like honesty in relationships, I think you should tell him.

[jthorne]

Lots of us don't know what's out there, and how happy we can be, until we find it. Maybe your guy and his wife need to be sure there's nothing 'better' out there before they recommit fully and properly.

Really? I thought OW didn't think it was a competition with the BS?

What you're implying here is that if MM returns to his M, it's because the OW wasn't good enough.

 

I also thought OW weren't into settling?

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to be with someone simply because I couldn't get anything better.

[Silly_Girl]

Really? I thought OW didn't think it was a competition with the BS?

What you're implying here is that if MM returns to his M, it's because the OW wasn't good enough.

 

I also thought OW weren't into settling?

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to be with someone simply because I couldn't get anything better.

 

You're not in a very generous mood today. Who said competition? (apart from you)

 

I absolutely did not imply the OW is not good enough. He's made it clear he's still invested (to possibly a minute degree) elsewhere. Perhaps he needed to strike out and explore the big wide world. As I said, some people are a BETTER FIT than others, not BETTER than others.

 

Settling how? She seems pretty happy with him, I didn't hear silly say it would be a case of settling if he doesn't return to his marriage. I think she would be pretty happy. Or that's how I read it.

[jthorne]

You're not in a very generous mood today. Who said competition? (apart from you)

 

I absolutely did not imply the OW is not good enough. He's made it clear he's still invested (to possibly a minute degree) elsewhere. Perhaps he needed to strike out and explore the big wide world. As I said, some people are a BETTER FIT than others, not BETTER than others.

 

Settling how? She seems pretty happy with him, I didn't hear silly say it would be a case of settling if he doesn't return to his marriage. I think she would be pretty happy. Or that's how I read it.

Oh, I see.

If MM stays with OW, it's because he wants to.

If he returns to his M, it's because he's settling/couldn't get better.

[spice4life]

Your definitely in a tough spot. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but staying with him right now is only enabling his indecisive behavior. Someone paralyzed with indecision as he is, will never make a move unless the people on each side of the fence walk away. He would be better off doing his soul searching alone so the people involved can go about life without him. It doesn't really matter how honest he is with you, he is still being selfish, in a sense, by being involved with you. It's obvious you are very interested in him, so if he truly truly cares about you he would cut you loose, at least until he figures himself out. By staying, he is draining you of emotonal energy that could be focused on something more positive for your life. JMHO anyway.

[sillychick]

You guys are all so helpful to me, I'm taking it all in, thank you!!

 

I haven't figured out the multi-quote so I'm going to try to just respond this way:

 

geejayess-thanks! That makes sense now. I could never figure that one out even with context.

 

alexandria35-Great advice thanks. This is something that I have considered as well. That even if he goes down the divorce road it will be long and hard and when it's all done he'll probably want to be a single guy for a while (as he should!) so it might not work out between us in that scenario either. He does need to take some time and figure out what he wants for himself, independent of me.

 

It probably sounds silly or too simple but part of me wants to say 'get your divorce (if that's the way it works out) go sow your oats and call me when you're ready, and maybe by then I'll be ready too'. As if I could do that. It's easier than it sounds.

 

MissBee - Thanks! If there's something for me to take away from this it's that I will not put myself in this position in the future. I was not looking for a serious relationship at the time so I wasn't worried about dating a separated guy. But now I know what can happen. You can get attached and/or fall in love and then find yourself in a messy situation. What I have found is that since I'm not looking for a serious relationship and since I'm scared of them at this point (I have been divorced less than a year myself) I have attracted an unavailable man into my life. I don't want to do that again. So if and when this is over between him and I, I will do some soul searching myself and figure out what I really want. And if by then I'm ready for a relationship I will put myself out there in that capacity so that I don't attract this into my life again. Because even though I have a good head on my shoulders and I have a very full life, I'm feeling very vulnerable and it's scary for sure.

 

Turbogirl-I agree with much of what you're saying. Although about 2 months ago she did ask him to move back home and told him she wanted their marriage to work and he said he wasn't ready.

 

I suspect that what's pulling him back is more the facade of the happy family versus his love for her. I think he longs to have his family back together. Everything they built together, etc. But I think he has a problem with her and getting close to her again. He's got a lot of resentment that he can't let go of. So even though in the back of his mind he wants his family back, he can't imagine making nice with her and being with her again. I know this is a distinction w/o a difference in some ways.

 

I was in this place myself when I was trying to decide what to do. My x begged me for another chance (he was very emotionally abusive to me and our kids) and I gave it to him. And I remember at the time it wasn't that I loved him and I wanted to be with him, it was that I really didn't want to be divorced. It was something I didn't imagine I would have to go through and definitely not something I wanted for our kids. I wanted our family together more than anything so I was hoping it would work out. But I couldn't live with him anymore.

 

I don't know for sure but I suspect he might be feeling the same way. Like I said his wife told him she wanted him back and he said 'I'm not ready to talk about it yet'. And that was before we started sleeping together I think.

 

And I am giving him lots of space right now. I haven't contacted him unless he contacts me first. I'm backing way off. If he reaches out to me then I will be there for him but if he's being distant I am leaving him alone. He has a lot to work out and I don't want to get in the way of that.

 

Sillygirl I think I know what you're trying to say. And I agree that my problem is not a bad one to have right now, especially compared to others that I have seen on this forum. I can feel the pain in those posts.

 

I am very happy with him. I like the attention he gives me. The back and forth witty banter we have through the day via text. We make each other laugh. We have a great time together. It's a little sad because in a way it does feel like 'right person, wrong time' and that's a bummer.

 

BUT I think what you're trying to say and what maybe jthorne misunderstood (possibly, idk, don't jump down my throat) is that to me his marriage is MUCH bigger than what we have. If he went back I wouldn't see it as a reflection of myself or that I wasn't good enough. I think the decision to fight for his family to stay together is much bigger than 'do I choose her or her'. So I wouldn't feel like it's a rejection at all.

 

And going out there and seeing what is out there could definitely make someone think 'this is fun but I miss my family, what am I doing?!', and if he felt that way I wouldn't feel like I wasn't good enough. That's too big of a decision to me.

 

It will hurt because I will miss him to pieces. But I won't feel like I lost out to her or that he rejected me. I know if it came to that, I am no competition compared to his family, and I shouldn't be. That's how I feel anyway.

 

And yes the unknowing is driving me crazy somedays. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster and she has the controls. lol

 

If we were meant to be in any capacity it will work out. If it's now or 3 years from now.

 

I feel like we have a connection and even if we don't end up together we will still be friends (if he divorces, I know he shouldn't stay friends with me if he ends up back with his wife) so part of me feels like he'll be in my life for a long time. I guess we'll see. I'll report back. Thanks again!!

[sillychick]

Your definitely in a tough spot. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but staying with him right now is only enabling his indecisive behavior. Someone paralyzed with indecision as he is, will never make a move unless the people on each side of the fence walk away. He would be better off doing his soul searching alone so the people involved can go about life without him. It doesn't really matter how honest he is with you, he is still being selfish, in a sense, by being involved with you. It's obvious you are very interested in him, so if he truly truly cares about you he would cut you loose, at least until he figures himself out. By staying, he is draining you of emotonal energy that could be focused on something more positive for your life. JMHO anyway.

 

I agree with much of this. I guess I just can't bring myself to walk completely away. Partially because I would miss him and partially because I think he needs a friend right now. I'm afraid to take myself out of his life if he wants or needs me in it. He has friends but guy friends are different and give different advice.

 

I have a good friend who tells me I should just say 'you have a lot to work out, call me in a couple of months and let me know how it's going' and then go NC.

 

He keeps trying to cut me loose and I keep telling him that I can handle the fallout so not worry.

 

But I 100% agree with you about the fact that his indecision is partially caused by the fact that for most of the spring/summer neither me or his wife was pressuring him to make a move either way. It allowed him to stay in this place.

 

He is getting the benefit of still having the home life if he wants it, spending time with his kids in their house, coming and going from the house if he wants to, and getting the emotional, sexual and friendship piece from me.

 

It's comfortable for him right now and he's not having to make a tough decision.

 

But I think that's coming to an end. She has heated things up at home and she's not willing to live like this any longer. I am willing to bet some decision will be made in the next few weeks.

 

I'm putting my seatbelt on and at this point I'm not willing to cut contact so I will wait. If he starts marriage counseling or moves back in, I'll go NC immediately and start the healing. It will hurt because he's been such a good friend to me but I will dust myself off and get back out there.

[fooled once]

.....even though he's not really sure if he's done with his marriage. Once I knew that I treaded very lightly feeling like he could go back to his wife at any time.

 

He has said as much. That he can't imagine his life w/o me in it. That he's 'drawn to me', that he would marry me if he was single, that he's grateful to have met me and things like that.

 

The above contradicts with:

 

I don't think his decision has anything to do with me. We don't talk about the future or make future plans or anything like that.

 

 

At one point about 3 weeks ago she told him she wanted a divorce. He said he wouldn't fight it but he wouldn't be the one to initiate it either. I almost wonder if he does want a divorce but doesn't want to be the one to file so he won't feel as guilty regarding the kids. I don't ask because I don't want to put ANY pressure on him at all.

 

Ahh.. the hypocritical "I want a divorce but I don't want to be the ONE to FILE for divorce" line...which equates to coward and chicken.

 

 

But yet I know when he thinks about his wife he feels anger and resentment and when he looks at me he just sees happy and fun. In order for him to make his marriage work he's going to have to give me up of course. (if they start counseling or he moves back in the house, I am DONE. I will not go down that road).

 

You know what he thinks? How is that? He may say to you he feels anger and resentment, but his actions do not show that. Yes, I do believe he sees you as the fun time girl, he doesn't have to be responsible, he can have sex and then go on a date with someone else. So why are you not "done" now when you know for a fact he is not 100% committed to a divorce?

 

 

So this past week has been really tough on me. Knowing that she is pushing him to make a decision (his words, not mine) I have stepped completely back to give him his space. If he e-mails, I return the e-mail. If he texts, I return the text. But that's it. There's been no flirting, no planning the next time we see each other. Contact has been low (almost every day but much less than our usual)

 

I do not want to push him at all. I don't know if I'm even ready for a real relationship right now so the last thing I want him to do is to leave his wife for me, assuming I'll be there for him, etc. I love him and I want him as part of my life. I know it's contradictory. It's just that I didn't set out to find what I found in him so I'm confused and it would freak me out for him to leave his wife FOR me. If he files for divorce it should be because he wants out of his marriage.

 

Sorry, I don't feel sorry for him. He made his bed, now he either needs to leave it or stay in it. Why does it seem as if you have an issue with his wife? Is it because she hasn't left him yet? Is it because she hasn't filed for divorce? Why should SHE file? He is the one who allegedly moved out. How are you stepping completely back when you contact him? Does it make a difference if you only take 1 time a day vs 20? Why are people so wrapped up in "we text all day" or "we email all day". So what. I email with my BFF all day but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a life or doesn't have other things in her life. Doesn't mean she is committed to ONLY me.

 

And if you love him, like you claim, why would you say you don't want him to leave his wife for you? Why else are you dating a MM if that isn't the outcome you want? Especially when you talk marriage? He would only file for divorce BECAUSE you are there - initiate No Contact and see how he returns home. He will only stay gone if he knows he has you as a fall back plan.

 

I don't feel like some OW who have MM who are sleeping in the same bed with their wives at night and promising the OW they are going to leave soon. My guy is sleeping alone at night and telling me he might be going back to his wife soon. Strange.

 

And for the record from everything he has told me, I don't think his marriage is fixable. I think he might go back one more time to try to make it work because he feels in the back of his mind that he might be able to fix it, but from what I've heard I think it's long over. That's just my opinion. In the beginning he even told me that he thinks they both know it's over but they are both afraid to do something about it.

 

I think I just need to continue to give him his space while trying to protect my heart. What do you all think?

 

Your guy? You mean the MM that you are with?

 

Are you serious with your view that his marriage isn't fixable? You don't know HER side. You don't know what REALLY happens in their marriage. Of course you need to think it isn't fixable; because how can you continue having an affair with him if it was fixable. He must think it IS fixable since he won't file for divorce.

 

You can continue to be his OW waiting for him to make a decision. The fact that he isn't divorcing should be a red flag to you. It should make you see that he still cares. I know you want to believe he doesn't; but he has you waiting in the wings and knows he wouldn't have to be alone; yet he still hasn't filed for divorce.

 

If you are serious about not wanting to be the person he leaves his marriage for; walk away. Tell him you care too much about him; you don't want him to feel "guilty" anymore. Tell him if he ever does divorce, to call you (after he has spent some time ON HIS OWN and the ink is dry on the divorce papers). If you two are meant to be, then one day, he will divorce and call you.

[Silly_Girl]

Oh, I see.

If MM stays with OW, it's because he wants to.

If he returns to his M, it's because he's settling/couldn't get better.

 

That's your take.

[MissBee]

 

MissBee - Thanks! If there's something for me to take away from this it's that I will not put myself in this position in the future. I was not looking for a serious relationship at the time so I wasn't worried about dating a separated guy. But now I know what can happen. You can get attached and/or fall in love and then find yourself in a messy situation. What I have found is that since I'm not looking for a serious relationship and since I'm scared of them at this point (I have been divorced less than a year myself) I have attracted an unavailable man into my life. I don't want to do that again. So if and when this is over between him and I, I will do some soul searching myself and figure out what I really want. And if by then I'm ready for a relationship I will put myself out there in that capacity so that I don't attract this into my life again. Because even though I have a good head on my shoulders and I have a very full life, I'm feeling very vulnerable and it's scary for sure.

 

 

Silly, I sooo know what you mean! I too have realized that I attracted unavailable men time and time again. I said I wanted commitment and all that jazz but the people I was attracting told a different story, one that doesn't lie! I had to soul search myself and get to the root of it all and that's how I realized that as much as I wanted a relationship, I was emotionally unavailable myself, therefore I only attracted that type. I realized their unavailability before I realized my own! It was a shocker for me, but is something I am working on, as I know what the problem is now.

 

I'm sorry that you're scared and feel vulnerable (((hugs))) and I do understand wanting companionship/affection without risk, but sometimes it's better to take some time out to focus on you rather than getting into a predicament you didn't bargain for. You haven't healed from your divorce yet, and that's fine, you need more time and you deserve to heal and move on confidently without tremendous fears that make you do counterproductive things. I wish you healing and happiness

Edited August 27, 2011 by MissBee

[Silly_Girl]

Sillychick, I'm so glad you got exactly where I was coming from, and therefore you'd be offended, which is grand. You've got a real grasp.

 

I'm worried that you're suffering from the 'roller coaster' aspect. That's pretty tough. That means it might be useful to have a think about what you do want and don't want, and what you might do in the main potential outcomes.

 

If his wife keeps putting on the pressure, but nothing changes, for 4 weeks, what might you do? Or if things are unchanged in four MONTHS time? It's worth a ponder, just in case. Might help you frame your mindset.

 

I like that you say it doesn't have to be NOW, you and he. Because it does take time, the transitioning. It can mean backing off whilst still feeling an incredible bond. It's important that he can move on (if appropriate) from his marriage feeling peaceful in his mind. And if that took a while, it would be better (for everyone) if he took that time.

 

I wanted my guy to be happy. And if they could have reconciled that was okay by me. Through my shattered heart, yes, but if 2 of the 3 unhappy people could end up happy it would have been a comfort to me to know they were doing well. Not my preference, no, but I suspect you feel something similar? Sorry if I've got that wrong.

[sillychick]

Silly, I sooo know what you mean! I too have realized that I attracted unavailable men time and time again. I said I wanted commitment and all that jazz but the people I was attracting told a different story, one that doesn't lie! I had to soul search myself and get to the root of it all and that's how I realized that as much as I wanted a relationship, I was emotionally unavailable myself, therefore I only attracted that type. I realized their unavailability before I realized my own! It was a shocker for me, but is something I am working on, as I know what the problem is now.

 

I'm sorry that you're scared and feel vulnerable (((hugs))) and I do understand wanting companionship/affection without risk, but sometimes it's better to take some time out to focus on you rather than getting into a predicament you didn't bargain for. You haven't healed from your divorce yet, and that's fine, you need more time and you deserve to heal and move on confidently without tremendous fears that make you do counterproductive things. I wish you healing and happiness

 

Thanks MissBee I agree completely.

 

When I met him I was doing exactly what I thought I needed to do for myself and for my kids.

 

My kids are teens and I am focusing on them and making sure they get what they need from me first and foremost. They see that I am happy, and that this house is more peaceful with the life I chose for us versus the angry, tension filled house that we had with the X living with us. They have opened up and are not afraid to be who they are now and it makes me so happy to see my kids happy.

 

I agree that I was/am emotionally unavailable to some point. I'm a little jaded. I don't always trust my judgement (I wonder how I could have chosen and married such a miserable/angry person when I am just the opposite). I see relationships falling apart all around me. So what I set out to look for was just some companionship.

 

I didn't expect this to happen and I won't take the emotional rollercoaster much longer. He needs a resolution to the mess he has made of his life (with her help) before he moves on to something else.

 

I suspect I will move on shortly. And when I do I will make sure I take more time to myself before starting to date again so that next time I meet someone who I click with so well we will BOTH be available for what happens next.

 

Fooled Once: Thanks for your input. I know I'm being contradictory which is exactly why I'm here. I'm trying to sort it all out.

 

I have no problem at all with his wife. Like Dr. Phil says 'no matter how flat you make a pancake it still has two sides'. They both share some of the blame and some of the credit for where they are. I know that.

 

I'm not done right now because I don't want to be done. I'm a strong woman and when I'm done I'll be done and not look back. Even though he's not 100% committed to either scenario I'm still willing to be his friend and have a good time with him while he sorts it all out.

 

I know logically that I should walk away and let him sort it all out without having me in his way. It's just hard to do.

[sillychick]

Sillychick, I'm so glad you got exactly where I was coming from, and therefore you'd be offended, which is grand. You've got a real grasp.

 

I'm worried that you're suffering from the 'roller coaster' aspect. That's pretty tough. That means it might be useful to have a think about what you do want and don't want, and what you might do in the main potential outcomes.

 

If his wife keeps putting on the pressure, but nothing changes, for 4 weeks, what might you do? Or if things are unchanged in four MONTHS time? It's worth a ponder, just in case. Might help you frame your mindset.

 

I like that you say it doesn't have to be NOW, you and he. Because it does take time, the transitioning. It can mean backing off whilst still feeling an incredible bond. It's important that he can move on (if appropriate) from his marriage feeling peaceful in his mind. And if that took a while, it would be better (for everyone) if he took that time.

 

I wanted my guy to be happy. And if they could have reconciled that was okay by me. Through my shattered heart, yes, but if 2 of the 3 unhappy people could end up happy it would have been a comfort to me to know they were doing well. Not my preference, no, but I suspect you feel something similar? Sorry if I've got that wrong.

 

I care about him a lot and I do want him to be happy. I know in his heart what he really wants is his family intact. He's just not sure if that's possible. So therefore if he could have that and be truly happy, not just content, then I would be happy for him.

 

I'm sure his kids would also prefer their family back together. So in his case if he fixed his relationship with his wife and they were all happy, there would be 4 happy people, extended family excluded. They have built a lot together and I have been there, so I understand how much he wants it to work.

 

And that's what I mean when I say this decision is so much bigger than 'do I pick sillychick over my wife'. I feel like I shouldn't factor at all in his decision.

 

I do think I'll put a timetable on it. But yet it changes daily. Yesterday I woke up thinking I would compose a heartfelt e-mail to him and tell him that I am stepping back so he can soul search and go to IC or marriage counseling and figure it all out. Today I feel like I'm going to ride it out for a bit longer.

 

I think I'll re-evaluate in a month and see where I'm at. But like I said how I feel depends on the day. Thanks again!!

[jwi71]

The fact is, they've never tried to fix their marriage and to walk away, especially when there are kids involved, without trying and giving it their best, might be something they BOTH regret one day. If their marriage isn't fixable, atleast they can say they gave it their best shot.

 

Tough situation to be in but you seem to have a great head on your shoulders, know what's what and there's no lying, playing games, gaslighting, etc so that's a good thing.

 

As much as it may hurt you, you may have to be the one to really step back and enforce some action. He doesn't want to be the bad guy (bring up divorce, push it) yet he doesn't want to go forward either. Staying in a stand still isn't healthy or good for anybody.

 

I can expand on this as I was this guy for a long while.

 

Right after I decided to file for D, I joined match for all the wrong reasons - but I didn't know it at the time.

 

What I thought was freedom to date (after my being with my xWW for almost 16 years) was really just a sad attempt to recapture my self respect.

 

An attempt to heal bruised ego.

To prove I was "enough in bed".

In short, those women at that time were, and I wasn't aware of it at the time, just steps for me to heal and recapture "lost" masculinity, emotional healing and sexual validity. They were all about MY healing. PArt of my healing process.

 

I even had a GF, who lasted less than a year, because I wasn't ready for anything but, shall we say, physical closeness. I THOUGHT I was but, in time, I realized I wasn't and she was one in a series of crutches.

 

What HE needs, based on my experience, is SPACE and time alone - he'll likely need all the same sexual and emotional validation. Don't be that person. You want a man who has completed that journey - not one taking his first steps.

 

He is toe-dipping and healing. Seeing if life is better now or as it was. In any case, he isn't ready for anything serious - and if he says so I would strongly doubt it. I wouldn't say he is lying as I'm sure he believes it - but he's not.

 

Kiss him goodbye and wish him well. He'll be fine and you'll be WAY better off for doing so.

[sillychick]

I can expand on this as I was this guy for a long while.

 

Right after I decided to file for D, I joined match for all the wrong reasons - but I didn't know it at the time.

 

What I thought was freedom to date (after my being with my xWW for almost 16 years) was really just a sad attempt to recapture my self respect.

 

An attempt to heal bruised ego.

To prove I was "enough in bed".

In short, those women at that time were, and I wasn't aware of it at the time, just steps for me to heal and recapture "lost" masculinity, emotional healing and sexual validity. They were all about MY healing. PArt of my healing process.

 

I even had a GF, who lasted less than a year, because I wasn't ready for anything but, shall we say, physical closeness. I THOUGHT I was but, in time, I realized I wasn't and she was one in a series of crutches.

 

What HE needs, based on my experience, is SPACE and time alone - he'll likely need all the same sexual and emotional validation. Don't be that person. You want a man who has completed that journey - not one taking his first steps.

 

He is toe-dipping and healing. Seeing if life is better now or as it was. In any case, he isn't ready for anything serious - and if he says so I would strongly doubt it. I wouldn't say he is lying as I'm sure he believes it - but he's not.

 

Kiss him goodbye and wish him well. He'll be fine and you'll be WAY better off for doing so.

 

Thank you so much for this. I have suspected much of this myself.

 

IMO he should not have been on match. Much too soon for sure. BUT yet his ego was shattered after his wife had an affair that carried along for a while and I'm sure he needed some validation and ego stroking to some extent. I'm sure it feels good to him, as it would to anyone, to know that someone else finds you attractive and sees something in you after being beaten down for so long. I can't imagine what a long term affair does to your self esteem.

 

When he told me if he was single he would marry me (we're so not there, that was more of a joke) I think what he meant was that I would be the type of person he would look for if he was single and available. I have a lot of what he would be looking for in a partner. So we are not planning a future, and we both know he isn't ready for anything serious. He has joked 'I wish I could save you for myself, you would be so good for me', knowing that he's not ready now but if he was, I would be it for him.

 

He has told me 'if something better comes along, take it', because he knows that he has little to offer me right now.

 

I think everyone comes into your life for a reason. If it were to all end tonight, I would have no regrets. He has taught me a lot about myself and what I will look for in a person when the time comes. And I know that I was good for him as well in a lot of ways.

 

I'm sure it will all come to an end soon. I'm emotionally preparing as much as I can. I do think he will give his marriage another shot. And if he ends up divorced I know he needs time alone to process and grieve and find himself again. And none of that will include me.

 

I'm not ready to let him go but I'm protecting my heart as much as I can for when the time comes. No matter if he makes the decision or if I do.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I think...

 

 

That the man generally HAS things fairly comfortable right NOW.

 

He has a casual relationship that provides him with sex.

 

He has kids, he can envision getting back into his marriage SHOULD he decide that's what he wants.

 

 

You yourself seem to have what 'fits' you for the moment, in that you can't/won't really give much more of yourself to the situation (so it is basically 'good as is' for you).

 

THE WIFE is the only one who doesn't have what she wants at present, and of course she's the one pressuring for HIM to (decide FOR her).

 

There is no reason why you should be in a rush for anything to change a great deal, nor should he.

 

It all makes perfect sense to me.

[spice4life]

Two more points to consider; 1) being emotionally unavailable is part of his core character and 2) consider how absolutely frustrating this must be for his wife. If things progress with him, you could end up in the same boat as his wife. You already are in a sense. He is literally holding his wife hostage emotionally by not making a decision. She cannot move on with her life whether it's with or without him. What a horrible way to live.

 

There are plenty of single guys who can offer a casual relationship if that is what you desire. Why set yourself up for emotional turmoil with this guy - a guy who doesn't have the capacity to make a decision? Another thing to remember, is that when a guy is truly interested in a woman he will move heaven and earth to be near her and he is VERY decisive.

 

You might want to take a look at why you are willing to bend yourself to fit within the relationship with a guy like this. Figure that out and you will no longer attract emotionally unavailable men into your life.

Edited August 28, 2011 by spice4life

[sillychick]

You guys are so helpful thanks!

 

I do realize that if he goes back to work on his marriage and/or goes to marriage counseling it will be the end of it, no way to remain friends. I know he can't possibly be working on his marriage and talking to me at the same time.

 

It seems like he's a very confident person on other areas of his life. He's very successful in his job, etc so I don't look at him as a guy who is unable to make a decision even though he's been in limbo too long. I understand it in a way because I did the same thing it's just that I was living with my now X. I flip flopped a lot. Things would get better and I wanted my marriage to work. Then something would happen, he would rage at me and I would want to leave. So I think I get his ambivalence.

 

And remember his wife had a long term affair. I have been reading some on the infidelty board and I see that many men have a hard time with it and often wonder if they can stay. So that's where he's at.

 

I know I will never choose something like this again and I know it won't end well for me. The question is how much longer I'll let it go on. I suspect not too much longer because I know I have a lot to offer someone else and maybe I'm more ready for a relationship than I thought.

 

I'll figure that out later on I guess. In the meantime I have backed off to give him time to think without me muddling his feelings.

 

Thanks again!