Act Like A Queen Through Heart Break

[Lofty2]

I am going through awful heart-wringing, chest-puncturing pain and emotions as my love has left me. We were togther for 5 years and are both now 30. Without delving into his magnetic qualities (and there were many deeply magnetzing things about him), I know you will understand if I tell you he was the most wonderous love of my life and I fear I will never find that level of connection and feelings of be 'intimately met' and accepted by another.

 

It's been 3 months since he left me. I was the weak. broken one. I still am, although it's been so long since I have had contact with him I don't know his state of mind. As much as I keep longing that he's feeling weak too, the fact he hasn't made any effort of contacting me speaks volumes.

 

This has left me bereft. I have been flopping in and out of the real world for 3 months now. Yes, i have been weak and have tried to make contact on several occasions the last being 6 weeks ago. I was rebuffed and know I canot do that to myself again. I've got a long long way to go before I'm out the woods and feel like me again and I wanted to share with all you Loveshackers who are trying to re-align their broken hearts, something I read and has helped me find some inner peace and strength. This was from a book called 'The Wisdom of a Broken Heart' by Susan Piver. This book is my guiding friend during this painful part of my life. The part I have found truly useful says is called 'Act Like A Queen'. It says:

 

 

'When your heart is broken, acting like a Queen may not be the first thing you think of. Especially when it comes to relationship heartbreak you're more likely to act like a brute or a slave. These are not good archtypes to employ when your heart is aching. It may seem like a good idea to call his boss and make accusations/threats (brute) and the next day call him and beg to be taken back (slave) - but believe me these are not good ideas.

 

Living with a broken heart, you can learn to be like a Queen. The conditions are ripe for leaning into your elegance rather than despair. You can see that beneath your sorrow is aristocratic generosity and sensitivity and you feel this loss so painfully because your heart is rich and full with love. And that love is in YOU, not put there by him, although it perhaps took him to help you feel it.

 

When heartbroken you need to guard against your own views. When our heart is broken, all you can see is a worthless, unattractive, undeserving loser - the opposite of a Queen. The following Queenly qualities have helped me. I think of them in the morning and have bought a portrait of a woman (I'm not into art at all ) who I believe possess these qualities. I look to her each day and imagine I am her knowing that.

 

 

1 - A Queen knows who she is

She is not confused by what others may think of her. She knows her own mind and no matter how much praise or blame she receives, she is unswayed by either. She knows how to return to centre.

 

2 - A Queen does not explain, nor does she complain

She has few true confidants. She doesn't make excuses or commiserate. While it can be very helpful to tell your story to the right person, spilling it indiscriminately arouses an atmosphere of chaos and victimisation. Like a Queen, choose who you speak to very very carefully. When you're out and about and are tempted to explain or complain to friends or strangers, think of Queen Elizabeth as played by Helen Mirren. Can you imagine her whininh? Connect with your inner Helen Mirren.

 

3 - A Queen does not attack, she magnetizes

In our culture, both men and women are told that they way to get something you want is to go after it and don't let anything stop you. This may suit a King, but it's a bit different for a Queen. She knows that the best strategy is not to chase what she wants, but to compel it to come to her through her sense of richness and dignity. (Note from Lofty2 - there's then a few sentences on meditation, which works for me but I've left it out as some readers may not agree)

 

4 - A Queen's surroundings are impeccable

OK - so she has handmaidens to hang up her clothes and do the vacuuming. Still when it comes to a genuine Queen, it's hard to imagine that, left to her own devices she'd immediately start wearing track suit bottoms and allowing dirty dishes to pile up in the sink - things that are very easy to do when you're in a funk. However, no matter how slovenly and icky you feel on the inside, it's important to prevent thise from seeping into your environment. The way things look is very important, not from a snobby point of view, but because environment seriously influnces mood & expectation. The best environment isn't necessarily one that's super tendy or fancy, but once one in which it is clear that the inhabitant cares about freshness, beauty and utility. So definately keep your place neat and tidy and no matter how bereft you are, for god's sake, wear clean clothes. Raise the shades, open the windows, bring in fresh flowers - do things to enhance your environment and arrange the palace of the Queen. This will uplift your surroundings and spirit.

 

5 - A Queen is never summoned

NOt even by her ex.A friend of mine has recently entered into that hell-realm known as the on-again,off-again relationship. This is not uncommon. It's not pretty but it happens.

 

 

 

So there you go. All credit to Sudan Piver in her book 'The Wisdom of a Broken Heart' It's a real funny, uplifting book and I always read a bit of it everyday. If you're looking for some comfort (even if only within the pages of a book) I can recommend this. I've just woken up with the usual 4am nightmare/frantic mind/bruiser of a heart feelings and have been trying to pull myself together. For the past 30 mins I've been typing this up and it's now 5.30am and I feel much better and can face the day with my heart ache knowing it's just a natural, beautiful part of me that has been there all along, inside me. It just took this awful circumstance to allow me to see how much strong emotion I have within myself. I know it's not easy to do, but I'm trying my hardest each day now to put that strength of emotion to good use rather than let it control my thoughts every minute of every day.

 

I hope this is useful to someone

 

Love Lofty2 x x x

[WhoMI]

Lofty2 thanx;) I'll try hard to act like a queen...it's gonna take some time.

 

I'm on the same boat as u trying to get through this one day at a time. Hopefully one day we can sleep soundly w/o waking up in those wee hrs with nightmares etc. It's good to know we r not alone & can share our ups & downs on this site.

 

Hope u had an up day today.

[Buttercup84]

Thank you so much for this . I'm in the worst pain and this helped me so much . I wish you all the best xxx

[Lofty2]

Thank you so much for this . I'm in the worst pain and this helped me so much . I wish you all the best xxx

 

 

Well done Buttercup. Hold your head up and be the woman you want to be. NO ONE ever wants to feel despair. It's not good for your mind or your appearance. Yes, the most special person we ever met has gone from our lives. But guess what...before they were in our lives we were getting on without them and if we'd never met them we'd be getting on without them too. Our minds are so hard wired to 'attach' to things but there's SO many great things in our lives (friends, family, skills, hobbies, other men/women) and when we feel in despair we just drop a veil over our eyes and ignore all the other great things. And it's US who puts the veil down...not the ex. This is not there doing. Yes they left. But how we handle it is our choice.

 

I really hope you can grow this feeling inside of me everyday, moment by moment. I know I will have 'downers' and when I do I should try to handle them wisely. They are MY downers and I need to get to know them, understand them, even become friends with them. They are part of me and my Queenliness and they make me stronger. Next time I wake up at 4am (which, going on experience, will be tonight) tossing and turning I'm going to try and just let the thoughts and feelings sit with me as woeful friends who just need some time to be heard, accept that they are a part of my life right now and if they want to bounce me from here to Venus and back again that's fine. They are part of me and they are proof I have some rather great emotions going on. If I can just let time (and my Queenly qualities) learn to manage these emotions I will be one strong capable lady.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi

 

i was one of the someones it was useful too. thanks this makes so much sense and it is a good survival and revival tool. i actually try to think like this because the pain is so deep. and i hated myself and can still do the same now because i treated him so poorly in our relationship...while he.....treated me like a queen. now i have essentially become that queen by humbling myself and lessons learned and no more fear of showing and giving my love...and he is not by my side . and i wish i could go back in time and save me from this horrible fate, i caused myself.

 

 

and i have lost 2 throwns...long story. i was in the wrong kingdom with one. and i lost the other. so i feel like a double loser. so i still hold my head up and now ask God to see the Queen in me within and hope I can do the same on a daily basis to get through the mourning and regret.

[IfiKnewThen]

ps i do know this queen principal does work. what else can you do...

[Lofty2]

hi

 

i was one of the someones it was useful too. thanks this makes so much sense and it is a good survival and revival tool. i actually try to think like this because the pain is so deep. and i hated myself and can still do the same now because i treated him so poorly in our relationship...while he.....treated me like a queen. now i have essentially become that queen by humbling myself and lessons learned and no more fear of showing and giving my love...and he is not by my side . and i wish i could go back in time and save me from this horrible fate, i caused myself.

 

 

and i have lost 2 throwns...long story. i was in the wrong kingdom with one. and i lost the other. so i feel like a double loser. so i still hold my head up and now ask God to see the Queen in me within and hope I can do the same on a daily basis to get through the mourning and regret.

 

 

 

 

Well if you felt like you were treated like a Queen and yet you acted in an uncompassionate way to him there is still much to be learned from this exeprience. Awful that you have lost someone who was so dear to you but how much better than continuing on and never realising that you have some self-improving to do in order to become the Queen you now see you want to be. As a Queen you will be able to help so many more people and they will look to you for strength and support which is a much better outcome that being a relationship where you cannot develop into a Queen. What you say does accord with me as I feel like I was an ogre in the final 6 months of our relationship (pushed and pushed for us to move in together and really all I did was push him away). But.... I think I had to go through that to realise I have some work to do on myself. But that doesn't mean punishing myself. No No No. We all have some self-improvements to make (no one is perfect) and my ex falls under that umbrella too. Be kind to yourself.

 

I'm trying to see that there are millions of people in this world and they all want real authentic love. Yes, how wonderful when that special someone comes into your life, but in the meantime self-grasping will just strengthen your 'ogre' qualities. Use this time to reach out to others (as simple as listening that bit deeper to a friend in need or visiting an elderly grandparent/acquaintance who spends lots of time alone) and it will help nuture the Queen in you and when that single special person comes into your life you will be very well prepared to give him/her your utmost genuine, compassionate feelings. You can't give this to another person if you can't develop it within yourself.

 

 

IfiKnewThen - keep growing. You will look back on this period of your life as the time when you experienced your greatest self growth. It seems like you're already making a good start. Keep in touch x

 

I really am feeling good connecting to all you lovely people on LS. My heartbreak is still sitting next to me but I can just about give it a small smile now.

[ced77]

I am currently going through a truely terrible time, I have not ben eating much I have been in my own little world. This has really given me a way of thinking about things. I hope things get better for you really soon

[Lofty2]

Thanks WhiMI. Please allow your sorrow to be with you. Don't ignore it but don't let it absorb you either. It's an emotion. It's your emotion. Own it and accept it for what it is. It's you you & you reacting naturally to a situation of great upset. It will pass and you can gain a great deal from it while you are spending time with it. Awful thinking about your ex moving on and getting on, but your ex will want a Queen. It may, or may not be you, but he will want Queen qualities in a woman and you as your own woman want to be a Queen too. So you know what you need to do. Typing this, I know what I need to do.

 

Going to salsa tonight and I'm going to dance courteously with everyone in the room and give them all a genuine warm smile.

 

Love Lofty2 x x x x

[Freesia120]

Wow this is what I really needed right now thanks you so much Lofty2.I broke it off with the X 3 months ago after he shut me out,started picking flights,provoking me although I stood by him with all he was going through.

I have been on NC for 3 months,moved town after getting laid off and then the day before yesterday my friend called me to say she bumped into him with his new GF.....that just took me back all over again it was a major setback.My friend told me he looked embarrased when she saw them together and he asked her if I was back in town,he didn't even introduce his new gal to her.

We were only going out for about 5 months and I still dont know why it's taken me so long to get over him,I was so sorry when things in his career were not going well but I feel like a fool now to hear he has moved on so quick,He might have been going out with both of us at the same time for all I know:mad:

You are going through so much yourself and you are giving us hope,I hope things get better for you as the days go by

[ScienceGal]

Love love love!

 

That is all.

 

-The Queen (hahahaha!)

[WhoMI]

Thanks WhiMI. Please allow your sorrow to be with you. Don't ignore it but don't let it absorb you either. It's an emotion. It's your emotion. Own it and accept it for what it is. It's you you & you reacting naturally to a situation of great upset. It will pass and you can gain a great deal from it while you are spending time with it. Awful thinking about your ex moving on and getting on, but your ex will want a Queen. It may, or may not be you, but he will want Queen qualities in a woman and you as your own woman want to be a Queen too. So you know what you need to do. Typing this, I know what I need to do.

 

Going to salsa tonight and I'm going to dance courteously with everyone in the room and give them all a genuine warm smile.

 

Love Lofty2 x x x x

 

Thanx Lofty2:-)

 

Did you have a good time at Salsa? I think it's a good exercise.

Today I was so busy at work that I had no time for thoughts of my ex & tonight will be heading out for dinner with the girls.

 

I'll still feel the saddness etc but it won't stop me from living my life. I'll let the master TIME do it's job.

 

Hugs

[Lofty2]

WhoMI - Salsa turned out to be Lindy Hop which was faaannntasticc. Loved it and going next week too x x

 

Hope you're feeling ok today?

 

I am feeling settled and rational about things.

[WhoMI]

Lofty2

 

I'm happy you had a fantastic time doing Lindy Hop (not sure what that is). But sounds fun! It must feel good to be more settled & rational with things:-) I hope you continue to do better:-)

 

Probably b/c of the stormy weather I'm a bit down today but hey I got work to keep me busy & this site to relief some of my emotions. Oh my distance study package arrived yesterday so am excited about that.

 

Have another fantastic day!

[Lofty2]

Lofty2

 

I'm happy you had a fantastic time doing Lindy Hop (not sure what that is). But sounds fun! It must feel good to be more settled & rational with things:-) I hope you continue to do better:-)

 

Probably b/c of the stormy weather I'm a bit down today but hey I got work to keep me busy & this site to relief some of my emotions. Oh my distance study package arrived yesterday so am excited about that.

 

Have another fantastic day!

 

 

Thanks WhoMI. Lindy Hop is a form of dance. I loved having a go. Here's a link to a video

 

Yeah....just wait until I can chuck myself around like that.

 

What course are you studying and who are you studying with? x x

[WhoMI]

Lofty2

 

Lindy hop....WOW! you go girl! One day you can do the flip;) How was ur day?

 

I'm gonna start studying fashion design through this online fashion school:) Have always been interested in it but just never really got it into action. So the one positive thing that came out of my breakup so far is that it gave me the push to improve myself. The pain and all is still there but it's definitely not as bad as the first 2 weeks.

 

Storming weather again so am sitting on my couch with a nice cup of tea:)

 

hugs

[Lofty2]

Lofty2

 

Lindy hop....WOW! you go girl! One day you can do the flip;) How was ur day?

 

I'm gonna start studying fashion design through this online fashion school:) Have always been interested in it but just never really got it into action. So the one positive thing that came out of my breakup so far is that it gave me the push to improve myself. The pain and all is still there but it's definitely not as bad as the first 2 weeks.

 

Storming weather again so am sitting on my couch with a nice cup of tea:)

 

hugs

 

Hi whomi.

 

Yes, it looks great when the pros do it.

 

Wow, fashion design. That sounds fun and great that your break-up has helped send you in such a positive direction. I've also joined a walking group for 20-30 somethings and have made new friends there too. There's so much out there to see and do - it's actually quite sad that us humans place soooo much importance on finding that one special connection with another. It's beautiful but does make you put blinkers on to the rest of the world wouldn't you agree? Well, it did for me anyway.

 

I've been off work for past couple of weeks. Not gone on holiday but have used the time wisely to help re-centre myself again.

 

I am gradually starting to see that I put my ex on a great huge pedestal - he was very special but it was me who plonked him up there and it's now it's only me who can bring him back down. It helps to put it into perspective that the great qualities we see in people are in essence reflections of what we think great qualities are. In our minds we have a little checklist of what makes a good quality and what makes a lesser quality...... and they are made by US. To a certain extent we make the good person in our minds.

[IfiKnewThen]

Lofty2

 

hi i am sorry its taken me this long to get back to you, especially after you put so much time and attention into giving me support and comfort in your response to me here on LS. I got distracted with trying to live in order to survive the sadness and regret that still sits with me or at least creeps up on me. i have been throwing myself into doing things that make me feel good or at least semi alive. going to my pool where friends and neighbors are at. feeling the sun...going for a swim. getting with some form of nature or outdoors.

 

i have also been helping friends by visiting a dear friend in the hospital. seeing her helps her and helps me to feel better about myself somewhat. especially after not being the way i wanted to be with the person i cared for (not being nice....wrapped up in my disability and change in health status since we met)...

 

anyway, i read your advise and you will be glad to know i related to using my time to get acquainted with friends again and offering help and support, in any way i can.

 

this is a good post. no matter how i try to be a queen now (and it does help to improve ones self), i can still feel like a louse and look back in deep regret all around. i even have dreams that unearth all the feelings of longing again and the regret i carry. i am fortunate in that i do have an active relationship and i am working on that too since that was wounded as well.

 

but the queen concept is very true, and if we were queens to begin with, and someone brought us down....or if we were not queens as we should have been...the bottom line is we can still be a queen now. a queen is humbled i see and forges on as much as she can. thank u again for all your input.