Reminiscing and trying to grasp it all as a positive experience

[Moetato]

Hi All,

 

 

I've been a lurker for the past few weeks, and have decided to officially join LoveShack so I could find a sense of community again. I recently was involved with someone (I'll call him B), we started dating earlier this year, starting at the beginning of April. It had been a great relationship, although, seemingly all of a sudden, he decided to break up with me with the start of medical school, which is 2 hours away from our home. I did not want to end the relationship and had wanted to give it a shot, and expressed this to him. I acknowledged that we would not be able to see each other as frequently as we had been doing so these past four and a half months, but I guess he still felt it wasn't worth attempting. So...yeah...I'm trying to come to terms with everything.

 

I helped B out with a lot of stuff throughout our relationship- errands, moving/ getting ready for school, little art projects that he'd been involved in (he was a double major artist and bio student in his undergrad), and he helped me too. We gave each other a lot of little gifts- material and from the heart. Everything felt like it was a great match, we communicated clearly, had an amazing intimate life, and brought a lot of happiness to each other. Or at least thats how I'd felt.

 

B seemed almost too good to be true, this due to me having trust issues due to psychological abuse from an ex, and a general cynicism of the world. I've been working on being happier, and more positive this past year in my life. ( I lost my father to cancer in 2010, and was also cheated on by that psychologically abusive ex that same year at the same time)

 

He was cultured, intelligent, gorgeous, artistic, charitable, had a big heart to share with the world, and was sensitive... He'd had told me his past experiences with girlfriends or dates were ones where he'd essentially end up being used and taken for granted. He was a romantic. Talked about how his grandparents, who expressed their deep love to each other, were people he admired deeply, and wanted to share his favorite movie with me, Donnie Darko, and tell me why he loved it so much - because of Jake Gyllenhaal's character sacrificing his life for the girl he loved. We were drawn to each other, and called me his best girlfriend ever, because no girl had ever done so much for him or treated him so well. I loved seeing him happy, and he loved seeing me happy. I told him he was the kindest and most respectful boyfriend I'd ever had. It was the first time I felt right about someone. I loved doing things to make him happy, and not at my own expense. I know that its unhealthy if you put the other person on the pedestal, and he was the first where I felt there was a mutual, happy symbiosis.

 

I just am trying to grasp why everything seemed to abruptly end with medical school (which he just started two weeks ago). I suppose its because medical school / the medical field is reknowned for its (ironically) destructive nature to the social and interpersonal lives of its members. I am trying to positively spin this as B not wanting to drag me into something potentially destructive, as opposed to "wham bam, thanks for moving me in and getting me settled, now you're through". We broke up via phone after his week of orientation, where he met all his new classmates, ended. He wished to remain platonic because he was scared of ever losing touch of me. I've been trying to gauge whether or not I can do that, while killing off my feelings for him. I guess in a weird way the 2 hour distance is helping that, and the fact that he is busy with his studies. So far the distance has been natural, and helping, albeit slowly. I asked him during our breakup conversation if he'd ever consider me again in the future as a girlfriend, and he said yes, but did not want to give me false hope.

 

So I'm trying to use geographical and busy scheduling to my advantage of forgetting him in a romantic light....I don't know if I'm stupid in doing this and setting myself up for hurt later. We don't talk much, only via text and email. I know that I have to focus on me more, again, and have been catching up with friends. I also quit my job recently as well, and started volunteering at a local hospital. The job fiasco is another story into itself.

 

I try not to think about him, and try not to think that it could just be that he met someone else and thats why we broke up. I try thinking that it really is due to the hell of med school, and its long, long journey......

 

I don't know.

[Nohbody]

You have a lot of feelings to work out, and it'll take time. Welcome to hell.

[Moetato]

It's hell indeed. I go from confusion, to anger, to peace and clarity, then to sadness. And then it starts over again.