Would you really have the one who dumped you back?

[Besmy]

Hello everyone, I'm new here.

 

Here is my story, I meet this handsome guy, we start dating, he tells me how unhappy he had been in previous relationships always because of bad women (didn't buy it but could not verify either...) and that he didn't believe in love any more and wouldn't use that L word ever again. Fine, we keep dating, get on quite well although, to be honest, he's self-centered and selfish (we're both 30+).

 

After about a month out of the blue he starts telling me that he loves me, adores me, that I am the best girlfriend ever, bla bla bla, all very surprising but welcome. Then he says his mum is curious about me and wants to meet me. I say can we wait please, it's too early (no plans to get married so no point in meeting mum any soon). The story goes on, he gets (apparently) very attached, asks me many times whether I would leave him, tells me not to leave him (not sure why he was asking in the first place, everything was going well) and that I am so perfect for him, he couldn't wish for more.

 

To cut a long story short after another 2 months he organises for me to meet his mum (his idea, I didn't care really). So I meet his mum, she likes me, I like her, the following day he behaves strangely and is unpleasant towards me. Later we have a phone call, I am annoyed with him because of his behaviour, he hangs up and texts me that it's over. Like that, without the decency of explaining or having a final polite and civil last meeting.

 

This was a month ago. I started NC as soon as he sent me back my stuff I had left at his place, but notice that he has not returned everything. Whatever!

 

Now my point and a question for you: I am very angry at him, first because nobody older than 16 should dump his / her bf by text unless there is some very serious cause. This is not acceptable. People can change mind and end a relationship but they should end it in a civil way, not like this out of the blue and without explanations.

 

But then, even if this brain-damaged, retarded sloth of my ex one day in the distant future realised what he has done (I doubt it) and bothered to text me, would I want him back?

 

Someone who used words like Love without meaning them?

Someone who didn't have the decency of talking to me?

Someone who didn't have the courtesy to answer my sms?

Someone who didn't have the honesty to return part of my things that do not belong to him?

 

When we get dumped, especially in an unexpected, unpleasant way, we get angry. Very angry. For everything, all the energy and love we have invested in the relationship.

 

If our ex comes back (IF...), it is natural to be wanting some "revenge", some "satisfaction", some "begging and crying". We believe that it would maybe (not sure) make us feel better. would maybe make up for some of the pain they caused us.

 

I have come to the conclusion that when something beautiful is broken, it is broken and cannot be mended. Like a glass.

 

And why can't we mend it?

Because we cannot and don't want to forget the pain they caused us, and because WE have been changed by the pain more than we believe. We don't want to be as nice as we were before (we remember it was all wasted), we cannot trust the ex any more, we cannot love the same way any more because in the back of our mind we still feel that pain.

 

Your thoughts and opinions are welcome.

A hug to everyone.

[ScienceGal]

If I ever meet a man that displays his emotional damage as openly as your ex did, I will run very quickly in the opposite direction. If he doesn't believe in love anymore, he's been burned for sure. But, more than likely he is still hung up on one of them. Even if not, he is in no place to start a new relationship.

 

I'm not sure why he took off after you meeting his mum. And her liking you would indicate the relationship will move forward. He probably has committment/trust issues.

 

But, my ex did the same thing. Said he loved me, I was the best girlfriend ever. But, he'd storm out during a disagreement and ignore me for days, and he broke up with me in an email. He also did not return all of my belongings.

 

No matter how great these men seem to be, when push comes to shove they are gone! They ride on the high of a new romance and a new woman that will boost their ego. But their own emotional scars and inability to face their own demons will ultimately ruin the relationship. This is not your fault. When things get "real" they can't handle it. Unfortunately, this is something he has to realize and work on.

 

I try not to think about mending anything. If and when he shows up to talk I will see how I am feeling then. If I'm considering speaking to him, I will review what I've written on here as well as all the letters I have written to him (never sent). I won't forget the pain he has put me through. I do believe people can change/mature (since I myself am nothing like I was 10 years ago), but I realize many people do not change.

 

My advice for you is to move on. Because the relationship was short, I hope you get over him quickly. I hope you find someone that is ready for a healthy relationship. I also hope he doesn't come back anytime soon, as it sounds like he has a lot of self discovery and improvement to do.

Edited September 12, 2011 by ScienceGal

[Besmy]

Dear ScienceGal, I agree with you. He is beyond repair and I am NOT waiting for him. It's his loss, not mine.

 

The incredible fact is that I wasn't pushing the relationship, it was him, eh!

He organised for me to meet his mum, he wanted me to meet his friends, he was the one to use the most fervent love words and asked me not to leave him.

To me it all sounded a little bit too soon and too good to be true.

 

I also did not believe for a second that all women he met were bad. In fact now I can see that he is the bad guy.

 

As for "spotting trouble from the start", that's not easy eh! We are all much wiser afterwards.

[lucacoleman]

There are a lot of warning signs in your story about him. He's really troubled and brings that trouble to you. I do hope that you can get a guy that is worth your time and love.

[lalalandman]

He gave you all the warning signs up front and you still decided to move forward.Why would you enter into a relationship such as this? Think about it. What does that say about you?

[ScienceGal]

He gave you all the warning signs up front and you still decided to move forward.Why would you enter into a relationship such as this? Think about it. What does that say about you?

 

Hey, I did the same thing. All it says is we're very caring women and were a bit naive... who isn't guilty of giving someone the benefit of the doubt? That's how we learn to see these warning signs the next time!

[Besmy]

Well as I said before, we are all so much wiser afterwards.

 

The signs he gave me throughout the "relationship" are those of someone craving for love, not someone who would dump you out of the blue. He is a troubled guy and for a while I thought I could mend some of his "wounds".

 

Guess what, I could not.

 

It's his loss, not mine.

[Mack05]

Well as I said before, we are all so much wiser afterwards.

 

The signs he gave me throughout the "relationship" are those of someone craving for love, not someone who would dump you out of the blue. He is a troubled guy and for a while I thought I could mend some of his "wounds".

 

Guess what, I could not.

 

It's his loss, not mine.

 

When you go into a relationship and u believe you can (or are looking to) 'fix' your partner, then the relationship is doomed before it ever truly started. This a hard lesson I have learned myself. A healthy relationship should never involve one partner, believing they can change the other, or be their saviour.

 

A healthy relationship involves two people who start off by sharing a connection, then they realise quiet quickly they share the same core values and automatically seem to have the same dreams for the future. Everything else just happens naturally and once the relationship foundations have been built correctly, you can overcome the bumps along the way with confidence and belief.

 

Besmy it his loss, just use this lesson to learn in the future.If you see red flags in future pay close attention to them..

[The_Good_Me]

I just want to agree with what the OP said at the end. Relationships that fail is like a broken glass (love that analogy btw!) and broken glass cannot be mended. To try and mend it will only serve to cut yourself and cause more pain.

 

I do, however, also believe in second chances as I have witnessed successful reconciliations. Truly though it seems the only healthy way to reconcile is after a long period of time (around a year+) where both parties are over the first relationship, have matured, grown and are both willing to give it another go which is extremely rare to have all that. Only if all these conditions are met do you have a solid foundation to build on a new relationship with an ex (not saying this is the only way, just saying this seems to give better results in the long run for those that do try again). This I would liken to getting a new glass of the same brand rather than trying to repair the old one as it would be a new relationship albeit with the same person.

 

Most of the time though it seems that when an ex does come back after a healthy period away, it's been so healthy for the the dumpee that they have moved on.

 

Personally I lost my ex after a 10 year relationship and I'm happy to say I'm over the worst part of the pain. Truth is if my ex came back now I would hear her out but I can already safely say that I am not ready to forgive her for what she did or what she will have done since dumping me. I really hope she stays away from me as I know seeing or hearing from her would bring back a lot of the pain for me. Much like the OP said... I wouldn't be as nice as before as I would be guarding my feelings, it would take a long time to build up the trust again and it would take a long time to get over the pain before I could commit to loving her in the same way. I'm certainly not ready to go through all that and doubt I ever will be.

 

I used to want her back just to see her grovel but I would no longer like to see that. I genuinely hope she is happy whether her new man is more suitable for her or not. I've not achieved indifference yet but I have definitely come to terms with a lot of things and have accepted them for what they are. The only way is forwards from here

[Besmy]

You know, he behaved like someone who had been hurt.

I only wanted to show him that there is still love out there, nothing more, nothing less.

I never meant to fix him or change him, in fact I accepted him for what he was.

 

FOR THE PSYCHOLOGISTS / PSYCHIATRISTS AMONG YOU:

 

I don't even get why he asked me so many times not to leave him.

 

Also, 2 days before dumping me he asked me: "If I leave you, will you come back to me begging me to take you back?". I laughed (never heard anything so stupid and conceited before) and said "If you leave me, somebody else will have me." He looked disappointed and came back to ask me the same AGAIN, got the same answer and looked very DISAPPOINTED. What do we make of that, eh? I am not a psychiatrist but that's not an healthy expectation for him to have, eh!

 

Next time we'll see who is next.

[Mack05]

Besmy until he deals with his past and his baggage, then he won't be able to be in a relationship with anyone. I think you had a lucky escape, staying in a relationshp with this guy would have been emotionally very unfullfilling for you. You would have been putting so much in and getting very little back in return. I mean who wants that in a relationship?

 

I mean I have never heard of anything like this before. "If I leave you, will you come back to me begging me to take you back?" Assclown comes to mind

[Besmy]

He might even be waiting to test me and see whether (or NOT) I will really beg him to have me back. Not gonna happen little psycho.

 

It seemed to be very important for him to have this certainty, of me wanting him whatever the case, so that he could leave me (as he has) and still have power on me.

As he didn't return part of my things, some friends of mine argue that he wished I claimed them back. Nope! He can keep them and put them up his..... well we'll leave it here.

Unbelievable.

 

Yeas he's sick. Poor guy.

[Geya]

No I would never take my ex back under ANY circumstances he broke up with me 3 times (technically 2, it's complex but yeah) and I'm not taking ANY chance in letting him do it for the 4th time FU*CK NO! I'm not that girl anymore, I changed sooooooooo much

[wilsonx]

He gave you all the warning signs up front and you still decided to move forward.Why would you enter into a relationship such as this? Think about it. What does that say about you?

 

It says thats she's human and entitled to mistakes. You did it, I did it, everyone in life has done it at some point. We are all responsible for the abuse caused on us. We have to take ownership of it in order to move forward from it. It does not matter how crazy our ex's are. Until we take ownership of our part in allowing the abuse, we can not move forward and will actually be stuck in this victim mindset and never fully heal and recover.

[blueskyday]

Interesting and true in a way, Wilson, but I have a different take. I've been in abusive relationships. Yes, I shouldn't have allowed it to go on so long. Hope is a dangerous thing....BUT, none of it was my fault. On that I'm clear. It took years of hearing therapists tell me that until I believed it.

 

With the OP's guy, he sounds like a possible narcissist. Google it. I recently had a relationship with one. The relationship sounds exactly the same. My therapist said this is a form of abusive. Abusers are very good actors. Make no mistake. They fool everyone...for a while...More than likely he had your affection returned and that was it for him.

 

These kind of guys have no real heart, no real emotions, even though it all felt so real.

 

To the OP: did you feel used? Tricked into thinking he was someone he wasn't? Did the "mask" come off and you didn't even recognize the guy you thought you loved? My ex was exactly the same, right down to the text break up!

 

Hug to you. You dodged a major bullet!

[insaneinthebrain]

i persnoally think it all depends... but really i would have to be in the situtaion to give you an answear.

[wilsonx]

Interesting and true in a way, Wilson, but I have a different take. I've been in abusive relationships. Yes, I shouldn't have allowed it to go on so long. Hope is a dangerous thing....BUT, none of it was my fault. On that I'm clear. It took years of hearing therapists tell me that until I believed it.

 

With the OP's guy, he sounds like a possible narcissist. Google it. I recently had a relationship with one. The relationship sounds exactly the same. My therapist said this is a form of abusive. Abusers are very good actors. Make no mistake. They fool everyone...for a while...More than likely he had your affection returned and that was it for him.

 

These kind of guys have no real heart, no real emotions, even though it all felt so real.

 

To the OP: did you feel used? Tricked into thinking he was someone he wasn't? Did the "mask" come off and you didn't even recognize the guy you thought you loved? My ex was exactly the same, right down to the text break up!

 

Hug to you. You dodged a major bullet!

 

Trust me I feel for you and OP. I know what narcisism is. It's the cluster b personality disorder. It sucks. I was in a relationship and dealt with the same types of lies and manipulation as my ex displayed traits of another disorder in that same cluster. At the same time we have to move forward from this and we are ultimately responsible for our OWN emotional health and well being. I was mentally dead for 2 months prior to my breakup to about 2 months after. Part of this is learning not to be abused again. You can't go throuygh life saying I was a victim of my exs emotional abuse and manipulation but say I am a survivor and i will not allow my emotional health to be abused again and this happens by setting strong personal boundaries.

 

Once you start to do this, you actually start to move forward, heal and let go

Edited September 12, 2011 by wilsonx

[Leigh 87]

HUGS for you, too!

 

I want you to know this: PLEASE KNOW, that it was not YOU that was not ENOUGH for him to stay with and love; he gave you the most he could give ANY girl... He could find the best girl in the world for him, and he STILL would have acted that way!

 

You WERE enough for him, in fact, it sounds like he KNEW that he was very, very lucky to have you. It sounded like he thought that you were so good, that he changed his mind about love, because he started to love u!

 

 

Lastly, you are clearly a very intelligent girl! From your writing, it shows that you are very clever! I want to remind you, that such a cool and SMART sounding women like you, WILL attract GOOD guys.

 

BEcause you are a great girl, a great guy will see that!

 

I wish you all the best! I am very sorry about the pain you felt over this immature and thoughtless man!

 

However, because you are a smart girl, I Am sure you will take this as a lesson! At least you have LEARNT something from this upsetting experience!

 

PLEASE let us all know if you hear from this JERK again! I am dying to know if he contacts you again!

 

Haha - and I would LOVE for you to tell him to GET STUFFED! I mean geez, the guy needs to hear that!

[TheDovic]

I'm no therapist but this guy seems a bit NUTS!!! First of all to come on so strong so soon, then to arrange to meet his mum only to dump you by text right after... weird weird weird. Maybe he has some unresolved mummy issues .

 

So in your case I would answer NO, you shouldn't take him back because these are some serious red flags

[Besmy]

To blueskyday:

 

I didn't feel "used", it was my choice to spend time with him, after all he was fun and we had great sx, yet there was something in the back of my mind which didn't sound right. I sensed that there was a "dark side" of him that I could not figure out. Little things he said or some facial expressions of his together with his bolder and extremely stupid statements (like the one about leaving me and having me back begging) made me worry.

 

Yes the end came surprising but then I guess if it hadn't happened that day it would have happened another one.

 

He is probably a commitment phobic. He displayed a number of symptoms. (I hadn't heard about commitment phobia before.)

 

To Leigh 87:

 

I do believe he loved me in his own way (...) at a certain point, he did realise that I was the kind of girl he wished (he even has very strict criteria when it comes to looks!) and maybe he got scared of that or maybe something else clicked the wrong way in his mind. The point is that although I am very loving and caring while in a relationship, I am not willing to play the therapist and we will never know why he behaved like that, he might not know it himself.

 

I never had a similar experience and do not wish it to anyone because it's a big waste of energy, during the relationship (if we shall call it so) and after the end of it. I spent days trying to figure out what had happened, trying to find a logical explanation.

There isn't any.

His actions do not match his words.

You wouldn't introduce your girlfriend to your mum if you were planning to dump her two days afterwards, would you?

 

Yes it was a lesson learnt and I will definitely keep you all posted, should he ever get in touch (I doubt it.....).

 

So no more Psychologists among you to analyse the behaviour "Don't leave me / if I leave you would you beg me to have you back (=please say you would)"

 

Gosh that's the scariest bit of the whole story!

[dumpedandsore]

To blueskyday:

 

I didn't feel "used", it was my choice to spend time with him, after all he was fun and we had great sx, yet there was something in the back of my mind which didn't sound right. I sensed that there was a "dark side" of him that I could not figure out. Little things he said or some facial expressions of his together with his bolder and extremely stupid statements (like the one about leaving me and having me back begging) made me worry.

 

Yes the end came surprising but then I guess if it hadn't happened that day it would have happened another one.

 

He is probably a commitment phobic. He displayed a number of symptoms. (I hadn't heard about commitment phobia before.)

 

To Leigh 87:

 

I do believe he loved me in his own way (...) at a certain point, he did realise that I was the kind of girl he wished (he even has very strict criteria when it comes to looks!) and maybe he got scared of that or maybe something else clicked the wrong way in his mind. The point is that although I am very loving and caring while in a relationship, I am not willing to play the therapist and we will never know why he behaved like that, he might not know it himself.

 

I never had a similar experience and do not wish it to anyone because it's a big waste of energy, during the relationship (if we shall call it so) and after the end of it. I spent days trying to figure out what had happened, trying to find a logical explanation.

There isn't any.

His actions do not match his words.

You wouldn't introduce your girlfriend to your mum if you were planning to dump her two days afterwards, would you?

 

Yes it was a lesson learnt and I will definitely keep you all posted, should he ever get in touch (I doubt it.....).

 

So no more Psychologists among you to analyse the behaviour "Don't leave me / if I leave you would you beg me to have you back (=please say you would)"

 

Gosh that's the scariest bit of the whole story!

 

 

Hi besemy, saw your posting on my thread. Hope you are feeling abit better now

 

I realised we are both hit by the same" breed" of guys..yes i use the word "breed". My previous 2 ex bf whom have MIA and dumped me adruptly by cutting me off from their life suddenly and giving me the big revelation " they would never accept me" were very lovey dovey in the initial stage. Before we even know each other well, they insist that we meet/date few times a week (wkdays/wkends). If i was abit slow in replying their sms, they would pester me a few times until i relented. Then, was the quick confession of love and affection. Then, like you, i thought they were just hot on their heels in wooing/pursuing me. To me, their actions were sincere and fully genuine. That blinded me to the red flags. And yes, they "coaxed" me to meet their entire gang of family members/friends when i wasnt even prepared in that way or even know him well.

 

It was all whirlwind and dramatic, hot and intensive and suddenly they dropped a bomb on me. Cut me off suddenly, block me from accessing them online, tell me they could never love/like me and ask me to seek love somewhere. They made me feel that they were just playing a joke on me, and i was the fool, the puppet whom they have toyed and pulled a prank, but now wants the puppet to wake up to the cruel reality and **** off..

 

i think these guys either are truly self-centered, have unresolved emotional baggage from past broken relationships or pure sadists.. I see mine having all three issues. I used to think the problem lies with me to face these men not once but twice, but nope, its just because i keep knocking into these "flakers" come in fast and go away even faster.

[Movingthrough]

There is nothing weird about what the OP did, we all have and im currently back in the situation now somewhat.

 

I wont lie though he sounds sick. To say something like "will you beg me back" or whatever is very weird. He is an attention junky, but the problem lies when someone pushes a relationship then pulls out. Thats always the problem and i agree it makes no sense. It stinks because in these situations we know that they are messed up and we have all the proof but we are all human.

[funnyface]

wow Besmy... when I was reading your posts, I was like "SHE IS TALKING ABOUT MY EX!" very similar situation, very similar thing he did... things were PERFECT, he was the one to push the relationship, use all the lovey dovey language, then when he had some issues he cut me out of his life, overnight!

 

I knew we were talking about the same "type" of guy when you mentioned how much he asked you to never leave him.

 

I know that I felt very alone in my situation, and very confused. So, I hope that you know (because I am realizing it now), that there is nothing wrong with you... we just seem to pick guys that have issues.

 

But we pick up the pieces, learn, and move on. Hope you are feeling at least a little bit better. Its been a month since the break up for me, and after everything, I know I'd be crazy to take him back if he ever asked.

[Besmy]

Hi FunnyFace,

 

Sorry to hear that you also had this unpleasant experience.

 

I never met such a psycho before and I hope he is the last sick guy of my life; I am not into playing the nurse or the assistant-psychiatrist.

 

I am not even counting the days of NC because I am not longer interested. This person is not mentally healthy and he would need either a brain transplant or to move to the planet of the apes along with my previous ex, the one calling after a year of long, profound, enlightening meditation.

 

It is already difficult having a good relationship with a healthy person, let alone with a brain-impaired.

 

I don't care whether he's dating somebody else, I don't care whether he thinks of me or not, he's dead. A dead retarded sloth.

 

I know what a nice person I am and I know I am better off alone than with this clown.

 

It is his loss, not mine. I hope you think the same of your ex.

A hug

[windmask]

read ur story i gotta say that dude was an a-sshole. like i get that he was hurt by other women but shouldnt that have made him not break someone elses heart stupidly. like i would have sided with the guy had he not broken up with you so stupidly because i just cant put it together why treat others how ur ex's treated you. you'd think people would learn but nope.

 

i support ur decision to ignore this clown and ur so right after being dumped so stupidly who wouldnt be pissed and angry. dont worry for people like that karma always comes back to bite u.

 

dont think to much of it. and if he ever comes back tell him to go to hell because this dude is just an idiot. never forgive dumpers easily i say, least make them learn a lession before ever considering anything. they arent hurt as the dumpees are.

 

best of luck