Would you really have the one who dumped you back?

[Besmy]

Hello everyone, I'm new here.

 

Here is my story, I meet this handsome guy, we start dating, he tells me how unhappy he had been in previous relationships always because of bad women (didn't buy it but could not verify either...) and that he didn't believe in love any more and wouldn't use that L word ever again. Fine, we keep dating, get on quite well although, to be honest, he's self-centered and selfish (we're both 30+).

 

After about a month out of the blue he starts telling me that he loves me, adores me, that I am the best girlfriend ever, bla bla bla, all very surprising but welcome. Then he says his mum is curious about me and wants to meet me. I say can we wait please, it's too early (no plans to get married so no point in meeting mum any soon). The story goes on, he gets (apparently) very attached, asks me many times whether I would leave him, tells me not to leave him (not sure why he was asking in the first place, everything was going well) and that I am so perfect for him, he couldn't wish for more.

 

To cut a long story short after another 2 months he organises for me to meet his mum (his idea, I didn't care really). So I meet his mum, she likes me, I like her, the following day he behaves strangely and is unpleasant towards me. Later we have a phone call, I am annoyed with him because of his behaviour, he hangs up and texts me that it's over. Like that, without the decency of explaining or having a final polite and civil last meeting.

 

This was a month ago. I started NC as soon as he sent me back my stuff I had left at his place, but notice that he has not returned everything. Whatever!

 

Now my point and a question for you: I am very angry at him, first because nobody older than 16 should dump his / her bf by text unless there is some very serious cause. This is not acceptable. People can change mind and end a relationship but they should end it in a civil way, not like this out of the blue and without explanations.

 

But then, even if this brain-damaged, retarded sloth of my ex one day in the distant future realised what he has done (I doubt it) and bothered to text me, would I want him back?

 

Someone who used words like Love without meaning them?

Someone who didn't have the decency of talking to me?

Someone who didn't have the courtesy to answer my sms?

Someone who didn't have the honesty to return part of my things that do not belong to him?

 

When we get dumped, especially in an unexpected, unpleasant way, we get angry. Very angry. For everything, all the energy and love we have invested in the relationship.

 

If our ex comes back (IF...), it is natural to be wanting some "revenge", some "satisfaction", some "begging and crying". We believe that it would maybe (not sure) make us feel better. would maybe make up for some of the pain they caused us.

 

I have come to the conclusion that when something beautiful is broken, it is broken and cannot be mended. Like a glass.

 

And why can't we mend it?

Because we cannot and don't want to forget the pain they caused us, and because WE have been changed by the pain more than we believe. We don't want to be as nice as we were before (we remember it was all wasted), we cannot trust the ex any more, we cannot love the same way any more because in the back of our mind we still feel that pain.

 

Your thoughts and opinions are welcome.

A hug to everyone.

[blakjak]

Hmm... I say everyone deserves second chances. Just in his case, MAKE HIM WORK HARD FOR IT

[Besmy]

Well Blakjak, we'll see whether the sloth texts me any soon anything worth reading before I get a new bf, eh!

 

Timing is crucial.

[LuluinAZ]

He sounds like he really does care for you, but he is afraid because of past experience. He wanted you to meet him Mom so she could give him the go ahead. Maybe his Mom kind of discouraged him for some reason. That may have scared him based on his past and he ran away and hurt you, but you seem pretty Ok with it, except you are here to work it out.

 

He will be working this out in his head for a while and will probably realize you are not those other people who hurt him and he should not have broken up with you because he loves you and has not finished loving you. He may wonder why he let his Mother derail his feelings for you. He may be conditioned to pay attention to what his Mother says, so that's going to be a hard one to overcome. Maybe he dated someone before that his Mother put him with, and she wants him to be with her.

 

In any case, we only want volunteers, and unless he is someone you really, really love and want to be with, his flags are pretty red.

[Besmy]

LuluinAZ, thanks for your opinion. I don't think he ever really cared after what he has done. His mum really liked me and actually asked me whether I would ever consider settling down with him.

He is probably a commitment phobic and in any case the way he behaved is appalling.

[A7X]

After what I just learned and lived threw, I would say HELL NO!! I would never return with my dumpee even if she was on her knees begging for forgiveness..

 

I put my heart and soul into trying to make things work between us and last night I got slapped in the face with some harsh news!!

[maylis]

I think it depends of the circumstances. For example I would take my most recent ex back, he didn't end it because he is a cheater or a liar or was verbally and/or physically abusive something like that.

 

The rest of them, pffft..no thanks.

[MisterB]

I would also have to say that it depends. If the two are willing to give it another serious chance , I dont see why it can't be done. Notice I said two because if just one person wants it it's not enough to work. And there are many other variables , like if the relationship was good in the first place , same values morals , a good connection etc. I think we should know weather it's worth to give a person a second chance or not.

[A7X]

Personally, if the person was with someone else before coming back, I would not be able to deal with that situation. But that's how I am and how my feelings work.

 

I believe in purity between two people in a relationship, if that purity is lost so is the relationship and the magic you once had.

[MisterB]

Personally, if the person was with someone else before coming back, I would not be able to deal with that situation. But that's how I am and how my feelings work.

 

I believe in purity between two people in a relationship, if that purity is lost so is the relationship and the magic you once had.

 

 

I have to agree with your point of view too. But I think that magic/connection can be reestablished if both parties still have love for each other. It just takes time , to trust each other again and take the time to rebuild what was lost. That being said not many people are mature enough to do that , and some weren't strong enough emotionally since the beginning to go through this.

 

Edit: And I feel this could only happen if the original fallout was not serious. I.e a arguement , miscommunication etc. If some one cheated or pysically abused , or anything else serious. I feel it's almost I'm possible to want someone back.

Edited September 13, 2011 by MisterB

[othersideofthepillow]

I can def understand your frustration. As you just read in my post I have quite the aweful situation on my hands as well.

 

But for what its worth to you, my opinion is that this "man" is a mommas boy. Seems like everything was going well (besides his own insecurities) but after you met his mom, he ends it. Regardless of how she was to your face, it seems that there is a underlying issue of what effect she has on him. Do you think he would have broke it off if you hadn't met her?

 

I also agree that there CAN be successful reunions between 2 people but it DOES have to be on both parties.

[Besmy]

I really do not believe that this is due to his mother disliking me but probably to him mum liking me too much. His mum is so keen on him settling down and having a family while he does not want that.

Anyway, too bad for him!

 

When he texted me that it was over - and added "my decision is final", I had the guts to write him that it was fine with me, that luckily he wasn't the only man in the world, that there were millions out there to have fun and sx with and that I already had a couple of guys waiting for me to be free again to ask me out, which was entirely true as he knew himself.

 

Yeah, I would have liked to see his face when reading that !!!!!

[Karala]

He sounds like he really does care for you, but he is afraid because of past experience.

 

Have to disagree, I think he just displayed text book commitment-phobic behavior (hot pursuit, at the same time telling you straight that he's unavailable, then dumping you abruptly). In your case, you'd be right not to take him back.

[Loved&Lost]

I would say that if you really are that angry and feel like punishing him it would never work out even if he did ask for you back. I see a lot of people expecting the ex to beg and jump through hoops to get back together. Many expect some grand gesture and for the ex to apologize hundreds if not thousands of times. But the thing is, most people like to be forgiven for their mistakes, most people don't like to be reminded of their mistakes over and over again. I've lived this myself, I have carried this huge grudge against my ex even after I got him back. It only ended in disaster, a complete mess. As time goes by, you start to actually love this person, while at the same time you hate his guts. It will be extremely hard to let go of the relationship by then. So I say, if you can't get over what he did to you, don't even think about getting back together with him.

[andrew-bkk]

I have carried this huge grudge against my ex even after I got him back. It only ended in disaster, a complete mess. As time goes by, you start to actually love this person, while at the same time you hate his guts.

 

Excellent post.

 

If the breakup was especially painful, that underlying hate never goes away.

[Thieves]

But then, even if this brain-damaged, retarded sloth of my ex one day in the distant future realised what he has done (I doubt it) and bothered to text me, would I want him back?

 

You are too cute. Seriously, I know that sounds weird coming from a lass 10 years younger than you, but still... Really, you seem too good of a woman for this "man" that has left you so abruptly.

 

As for your question, I agree with others who say that, even if we do take back the dumpers and as hard as us dumpees try to truly forgive, 98% of the time we still end up holding some type of grudge against the dumper. Like someone said, it's that underlying gut feeling of, "You really put me through HELL, you know that?" And that affects the second chance in question. You're right about dumpees being changed by the pain, too. At first I disagreed with that, but as I thought more about who I was when I first met 'him' - before he hurt me in various ways - I do realize that I've changed. In a bad way 'cause I did hold a grudge against him, in a good way because I've learned so much.

 

Not only that, but it's the fact that we've had to struggle alone and suffer to get through the pain the dumper caused, and in the end we've (hopefully) grown and matured as a better person. We've wisened up, we know a little more about what we want, etc. So for any dumpee to go back with their dumper is almost.. I don't know, almost a bit amateur.

 

I mean you spend all this time learning to live without the person you cared for so much, yet hurt you so badly. And when you finally come out the other end of the tunnel, you realize that you're stronger than you thought. And you also realize that while you were suffering in said tunnel of darkness, the dumper didn't even bother to throw out a damn flashlight to help you out along the way. Not a ****ing sparkler, a candle, nothin'. So after it's all done, well... not to be haughty, but you almost feel 'above' going back to them, if the chance ever arrives. You know?

[Thieves]

\As time goes by, you start to actually love this person, while at the same time you hate his guts.

 

Yes.

 

I thought I was the only one who felt crazy when I'd go from one intense feeling to the other with the guy I was involved with. I'd go from really adoring him and admiring him, to thinking in disgusted anger the next day, "No, but how could he do that to me if he really loved me? Does he really care? He's probably just stringing me along. Why would he lie to me like that? Is he even who he really says he is? Is it just an act? Why do I even still like him? :mad:" Etc.

 

Very bi-polarish. Not a good position to be in.

[Besmy]

Thank you Thieves, that's sweet of you.

 

An untreatable mental condition that impaired his already underdeveloped, embryonic brain must have struck the sloth during the last days of our short but intense "relationship".

 

This sudden and regrettable ailment of his brought the sloth to ask me 2 days before dumping me, the following:

"If I leave you, will you come back to me begging me to take you back?".

 

I laughed (never heard anything so stupid and conceited before) and said "If you leave me, somebody else will have me."

The sloth looked disappointed and came back to ask me the same again, got the same answer and looked very disappointed.

The sloth then added "This was just so to say, eh! You're not going anywhere, are you?"

To which I innocently answered "No, I'm not going anywhere" just to put an end to this nonsensical conversation of his.

 

So you see dear Thieves, the profound and irrefutable conviction that the sloth is SICK greatly alleviates my pain and, since I am not in a mood - and never was - to play the nurse or the assistant-psychiatrist, it is with a light heart that I say adieu and never-to-hear-this-b..ll5h..t-of-yours-ever-again.

 

NEXT!