Hope - Individualization

[jfLip]

My girlfriend of about 4 years broke up with me 4 days ago. She was my first girlfriend; we lost our virginities to each other and were each other's first love. Her reasoning was that she felt like she didn't know who she was as a person, didn't know who she was without me, and wasn't in love with me anymore.

 

When we first started dating, I was fit, confident, and funny. She chased after me and liked me first. We started off distanced - I was in college for a couple of years, while she was back at home (1 hr away). Keeping our relationship a secret from our families, we both worked extremely hard to make it work, and the relationship was booming. We loved each other a lot.

 

Next, she attended college with me, and it was something new to us, because we were used to seeing each other once every 2-3 months. After learning to live apart, we had to learn how to be together every day. It was her first time being independent and away from home, while I had developed some independence for having been in college for 2 years.

 

I'm a bit shy and private while she's more outgoing, loves to sing and perform. Personality-wise, I expect everything to be done right and tended to make her feel bad about little things; she developed a need to feel my approval before she did something.

 

She loved me so much she didn't want to hurt me and was always afraid of losing me, so she would sometimes not fully speak her mind to just make me satisfied. She always felt that she loved me more than I loved her, but this was because I was insecure about myself. I gained a bit of weight, fell out with my childhood best friend (which I'm still getting over), and was unsure about my career.

 

I just graduated in May while she has a couple of years left, and was worried about me not being at school with her everyday, but I reassured and reassured that everything would be ok. Summer comes and I lost touch with most of my friends (I assumed they sided with my childhood bestfriend) which prevented me from socializing like I used to. At the same time I was experiencing family troubles at home, was so unsure about my future/career, and struggling with self-confidence. I would rant to her and tell her everything, I solely relied on her.

 

Her main reasons for breaking up with me were:

 

(1) The need to individualize and explore herself. At school, our mutual friends would ask her, "Where's Jeremy (me, obviously)?" and this triggered her to think, "Who am I without him? I only know how to act how I am when I'm around him." While piecing things together, I figured she never had a time in her life to truly individualize. She explained she needed to break up and feel totally apart from me to explore herself. This would truly allow her to think for herself. Over the 4 years, my reservedness rubbed off on her, and she was no longer doing activities that she loved. Operating from guilt, she would feel guilty if things weren't going well for me, and felt a large amount of pressure to make me happy since I basically lost my support group.

 

At a time when I was struggling with personal issues, she was struggling with self-identity issues and she just couldn't take it anymore. We became complacent as individuals and our relationship was "going through the motions." She's a good-hearted person who has motherly instincts and always feels the need to care for others. I feel she just needs this time and space to really discover who she is as a person. The same goes for me, I am in the process of gaining my self-confidence.

 

(2) Doubt that I was committed to further developing our relationship, and if I would be a good fit for her family. She is super close with her family, and means the world to her. Our families eventually knew we were together, and her family really likes me for her. This summer her family took on a project to build a pool. Her parents are jokesters and would say stuff to me like, "You can only eat dinner when you start digging" and I would joke back. On 2 more separate occasions, her family would joke more.

 

One night we were supposed to watch a movie, but she cancelled because she forgot it was her uncle's birthday and were having a mini-celebration at her house. She asked if I could come over and help with the pool. I hesitently said, "I feel weird coming over strictly to help with the pool. I'd be glad to help if I was there and they need an extra hand, but it's weird. I don't think you should make me feel obligated to do that. It's not like we're married or anything yet." It seemingly was a little argument at the time, but I recently found out she was really hurt by what I said. I think it made her ask herself, "If he's going to be like that now, is it going to be like that in the future?"

 

I made the mistake of calling her the same day of the break up, unleashing my anger and pain. She yelled at me and said, "You're only pushing me away more and slimming the chances of us getting back together." After a while, I calmed down and said, "Ok, I understand your reasoning for the break up, and I can tell you need it. I respect your decision and support your need for space." Immediately, her voice tone became lighter and she replied, "Thank you. That means a lot and makes me feel better. Thank you for supporting me." She has the tendency of being right when it comes to little competitive games or an argument (I'm stubborn) and I told her with a soft tone, "You're usually right and I hope you're right about this."

 

I haven't talked to her since and have been really working on myself. In the short time, I've already reconnected with friends, hitting the gym, and even landed a job today (huge surprise). My friends tell me I need to really give her space and to expect the worse. They're telling me to not give myself a glimmer of hope because it would only hurt me, but I can't help but hope and wonder. Begging and pleading would only show her I'm weak and cannot live without her, so I have tried to be strong and have been posting casually happy stuff on Facebook. I don't post anything sad or overly joyous trying to make her jealous. Right now I'm focused on myself, excited for my job, on track with my training in the gym, and expecting for the worst.

 

Her friends think this is a phase for her. I have faith and hope that if I just show that I'm strong and re-develop the traits of the guy she fell in love with, we can be back together. I know she cares for me deeply and the feeling is mutual. We were so compatible and good together, and been through so much for it to just end without another chance. We talked about the possibility of being married and having kids, but I felt like she got so consumed by a build-up of guilt, lack of self-identity, and doubt.

 

I'm trying as hard as I can to be strong, but I pray that we get back together. We had something really special and unique. Over the years, she reassured she has never felt so special. We both have said before that if something ever happens, we would both re-consider each other. I have analyzed what went wrong and would love to fix things and be the happy people we were or better yet, develop a new friendship and deeper love. I understand giving her space is the biggest thing right now...

Edited September 23, 2011 by jfLip

[aerogurl87]

Definitely give her space and under NO circumstances beg for her back. If it's meant to be, she will come back to you as being in a relationship but not really knowing who you are without your partner can be a valid reason to end the relationship in some cases. And I think in this case it is. Focus on your career, rekindling your friendships and making new ones, getting fit, and being the best version of yourself. You may get over her, but if you don't and she comes back at least you will both be better people and able to hopefully have a better relationship because of that.

[jfLip]

Thanks a lot for the reply aerogurl87. We've had similar occasions like this where it'd be the other way around - I would be the one hurting her heart, and we would go 4 days max without talking. She would be so hurt and send me cute/funny emails of old pics/messages reminding me of things we used to do where we were so happy. She made me realize that I did really care about her and was taking her for granted.

 

It's just so hard to not do the same thing. But then again, if I did try to be cute/funny, it would be a selfish act because it seems I'd want to be back together strictly because I'm hurt instead of respecting her decision for the need for space.

 

The talk we had the night of the breakup had me feeling better, but I don't know if she was giving me a window of hope because she didn't want to hurt me further. But it did seem like she was in that mind-set where she was being totally honest and if there really was no chance, she would say.

 

Also, part of her doubt was that she was my first girlfriend - she asked me, "How do you know you really love me? If you've never been in another relationship, how can you honestly know? Do you want to find out later down the road when we're married that you could possibly love another?"

 

This is so tough...

[jfLip]

It's also hard for me to accept the whole "If it's meant to be, it'll happen." My personality won't let me sit back and wait for things to happen.

[aerogurl87]

Thanks a lot for the reply aerogurl87. We've had similar occasions like this where it'd be the other way around - I would be the one hurting her heart, and we would go 4 days max without talking. She would be so hurt and send me cute/funny emails of old pics/messages reminding me of things we used to do where we were so happy. She made me realize that I did really care about her and was taking her for granted.

 

It's just so hard to not do the same thing. But then again, if I did try to be cute/funny, it would be a selfish act because it seems I'd want to be back together strictly because I'm hurt instead of respecting her decision for the need for space.

 

The talk we had the night of the breakup had me feeling better, but I don't know if she was giving me a window of hope because she didn't want to hurt me further. But it did seem like she was in that mind-set where she was being totally honest and if there really was no chance, she would say.

 

Also, part of her doubt was that she was my first girlfriend - she asked me, "How do you know you really love me? If you've never been in another relationship, how can you honestly know? Do you want to find out later down the road when we're married that you could possibly love another?"

 

This is so tough...

 

I know it's tough, but you gotta wait it out. I have an ex who told me the same thing your girlfriend told you. I was his first girlfriend though and he applied that logic to himself, saying that how could he know if I was the one if he had never been with someone else. I didn't agree with that, but just let him go anyway and that's what you have to do with this girl. If she has doubts you gotta let her go and let her find out what life really is like without you around. But in the meantime you gotta move on with your life.

 

She may find out after dating a few guys that she really did love you or she may end up being right. But that doesn't matter. All that matters is that you focus on making yourself happy now and not her. She dumped you, so she should no longer be a factor in whether or not your happy.

 

It's also hard for me to accept the whole "If it's meant to be, it'll happen." My personality won't let me sit back and wait for things to happen.

 

Haha, I was like this. But as someone who is going on two years of LC and not seeing their ex and still having lingering feelings and sometimes doubts, I can say that the statement is true. So if it's meant to be and she really loves you, she'll find someway to stick around in your life and maybe one day you'll come back together. Who knows, but you can't focus on the what ifs, it's time to focus on the present and if the day where she comes back does come you'll be better prepared to deal with it.

[jfLip]

Thanks aerogurl87. She told me that she still wanted me to be in her life, and that she just needs this time to find her identity because it seemed like she was really lost. It sucks a lot because I'm overprotective and a little bit of a jealous type - she's such a gorgeous, talented young woman and she's "newly single" in college :\. She's not the type to sleep around, she has a lot of respect for herself. I'm trying to focus on the positives of the whole picture and not letting my hurt consume me in the moment.

 

+ Positives

• I've already been reconnecting with my old friends - rebuilding my support group
  
• It's not final yet, but I pretty much landed a job as a Personal Trainer (oddly enough). I decided to pursue this because it will keep me busy. This is the biggest positive for me and a big surprise.
  
• In the 5 days we've been broken up, I've made leaps and bounds compared to my slump all summer. I was so down about a job and my friends, but hey look at my first steps.
  

 

I think she would expect me to be sad and down and not do anything, but I know she would be so proud of me right now. Being strong, feeling confident, being goofy with friends, I'm reaching goals with my self-confidence physically and mentally. I'm starting to be that guy she was intially attracted to, and more.

 

She knows me well, and I wonder if she knew that this would make me so much better, for myself or for her. But I hope she's being strong and really trying to just develop an identity. Of course the question of another guy is in my mind, but we were together for 4 years in a faithful relationship. I would think she would have a lot of respect for me.

[jfLip]

If it's meant to be, she will come back to you as being in a relationship but not really knowing who you are without your partner can be a valid reason to end the relationship in some cases. And I think in this case it is.

 

I tend to overanalyze things and it seems like when a girl makes a logical statement, a lot of guys try to make it for more than what it is. I've been reading everywhere online about "I need to find myself" cases, but I don't relate because in many of those situations the relationship wasn't faithful.

 

Ours was. I guess she values her self-worth so much that she believed it would hurt us more if we kept going along. Now, I've been a lot better the past 6 days and I'm not saying this out of emotion/anger, but I have faith and truly believe this is for the best. If I really did love and respect her, I would support her decision (like I did), right?

 

People, please pray for us. I'm moving on with myself; I wrote down my goals on a piece of paper and bring it everywhere I go so the moment I start getting sad, I read through it. And I think the fact that we exchanged V-cards and went out for 4 years still means a lot to her. She is SUPER emotional. I believe.

[jfLip]

She's very, very close with her family. And they would always joke about us getting married. She genuine loved me so much and this breakup is making me realized I took her for granted and I loved her more than I thought...

[jfLip]

Do you guys think my situation is GIGS? She had a strong reason to break up, though...