NYOrLAGuy Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) Hi all, New to these forums, and needed some unbiased feedback to my situation, Appreciate any and all advice you fine folk have to give... I'll probably miss a detail here or there for the save of brevity, but I'll try to give an unbiased view. Met my now ex back in December, and we immediately hit it off. Best first date ever, instant chemistry. I was 35 she was 29 (now 36/30). We dated for five wonderful months, and we made successfully made it past the honeymoon phase and were settling into our relationship nicely. Never fought, though there were the usual disagreements. My previous longest relationship was only 2 months (I wasn't a huge dater, and was what you might call a late bloomer) and worried like the neurotic person I am that it would end after 2 months. We often told each other how much we loved each other and with her help I got past my fear. She would often tell me she loved me and wasn't about to break up with me. At about the 4 1/2 month mark, we had our first what I call "hiccup" in that it didn't feel like an insurmountable issue, but there was tension. She told me she thought I was getting a little clingy and though I didn't agree, I saw how it could be possible since I had been known to be that way in the past. It was something I was working on. But then she told me, "you have to trust that I love you." and bam, I felt placated and fine. And things were getting back to normal. Two weeks after that, she tells me she's unsure now, but doesn't want to break up. Needs a few days to think things over. I give her the time, don't speak for about 5 days or so, and then the break-up call comes. Now I need to add here, that during the time we dated, I was a pretty hardcore marijuana smoker. Card-carrying in Los Angeles if you will, but I wasn't exactly a "sick patient" if you get my gist. I had told her numerous times that after my birthday (which was a week away at the time we broke up - yeah) that I was gonna stop, and I was. Back to the breakup call. She is very cryptic about why she wants to break up, and even says she doesn't know exactly why she wants to break up, but does. Doesn't even say she not feeling it anymore, she just doesn't know why. Tells me that although she didn't like how much I was smoking, that wasn't it. Aside: I felt it was because even though I was never high when I was with her, I'd always have these "pot headaches" from days of consecutive smoking, and when I was at her house (she lives at home with her mom, btw) I just wanted to keep quiet and within my own head, if you get that). Either way, she didn't want to see me again to say goodbye, and I was too flabbergasted to try to change her mind at the point, so I gave her the space she wanted. So I go NC for a month, and rock the gym. Don't really go through any mourning period, dedicated to winning her back. Lose 20 pounds, and stopped smoking (and I've been clean for almost four months now and can honestly say that time of my life is OVER) and did everything I always promised her I would do. E-mail her a month later, and tell her what I've been up to. We exchanged a couple of e-mails, and she reiterates that she doesn't want to see me. Cryptic reasoning for the breakup continues, but she gives me a little more info than last time, saying me being at her place had been making her anxious, and that she felt that she had to worry about me all the time, especially when dealing with her two dogs. She continues to say she doesn't know why she felt that way, she just did, and it's something "she needs to work on." I tried to tell her that the way I was acting at her place was all a by-product of my smoking, and that I was better now and wanting to prove it, but all she thought was that I was doing it all to win her back, which isn't entirely true, but of course the motivation did play a role. She also said that I was making her feel like she was becoming like some kind of stereotypical "naggy" girlfriend, and she wasn't that kind of person. Something she did once mention before early in the relationship that she always feared becoming. She was never even as bad as she thought she was! But I still don't get it, and she still doesn't want to see me. I go through a major mourning period, 'cuz now I finally have to deal with it. Go NC again for 2 more months, continue going to the gym, and even take a trip to Germany (my first time overseas) to visit a friend - something I probably wouldn't have been to afford to do if we were still dating! (Silver lining?) Send her a postcard from Germany, and then call and e-mail when I got back 3 weeks ago. Put it all on the line as I don't want the friend zone. Tell her I'm still clean, I'm ready to show her I can be better. Get back the one line response, "I know you'll find someone to spend the rest of your life with, but I'm not her. I wish you nothing but the best and I always will." OK, I know most of you will tell me to move on already, and believe me, I know that's most likely what I have to do. But there's still some part of my brain telling me, I can win her back. She just started nursing school, and is pretty heavily involved with that, and we both knew when things were going well that her going back to school was going to put a stress on things. So I can't help but think that she just doesn't want any relationship right now, and wants to remain focused on school and that's way she doesn't wanna get pulled back in right now. So I've kept my distance out of respect for that, but still not knowing exactly why we broke up or her refusal to talk to me is driving me bonkers! I've been good about it, I'm an adult and have treating this situation somewhat appropriately (not texting and calling all the time, etc.) but I don't know what else I can do. I obviously want to call/write again just to try to keep a conversation going, but I feel like I can't since it'll prove to her that I'm somebody I'm not and I don't want to be clingy guy. There's a part of me that feels she knows if she saw me again, all the old feelings would come back and she obviously doesn't want to deal with that right now in her life. Anyway, you get it... wash, rinse, repeat. Is there anything I can do to save this relationship? Edited October 12, 2011 by NYOrLAGuy spelling error Link to post Share on other sites
Author NYOrLAGuy Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) I'd also like to add quickly in case anyone was wondering... she readily admitted that I didn't do anything specifically to make her feel like a "naggy" girlfriend. She just started feeling that way. I always viewed it as the stereotypical guy vs. girl sitcom-y type of stuff, and as I mentioned, she wasn't even ever that bad! But she got it in her head that she was somehow changing for the worse. She also didn't have much long-term experience with guys. Oh, and I neglected to mention that during the original break-up call she did say that I was the best boyfriend she ever had... Edited October 12, 2011 by NYOrLAGuy spelling error Link to post Share on other sites
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