Kat Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Okay, I am sure a lot of people have seen me post over the last year and go from a bad state, to an okay state. The last couple of days I became more active here, giving advice left right and centre (all stuff I believe in and have been through). Sad thing is, it seems that while I can give great advice, I can't take it myself I just got told by my partner tonight 'Guess what, in the last week I have had sms's from both the ex's, they are both in town and both want to see me' He said that he would give me 24 hrs to tell him if I was okay with it or not (sounds more controlling that it is trust me). He said to let him know if I was okay with it, if I wanted to come, etc. I said that I didn't have a problem with it, as long as I could be there too. WRONG. I believe he has arranged for them to come over to our place (we live together) so he can show off the house, meet up, and have be be able to be around and what not..... Now I feel like crying. I feel upset and torn. I don't have any reason too and both of them have really never done anything wrong (accept the one of them flirted when we went to a wedding..it involved a tie if you want to search, I am sure I posted it here). My head keeps going on and on saying stuff like .... Why can't they just leave him alone??? They live in different cities, they have their own lives, why do they have to ruine ours. Do they want to get back with him, because they can't have him I have read the advice I have given people and as much as I know it is the best advice, because honestly, nothing would ever happen, I just can't seem to get over this. My ex basically cheated on me with anything with a heart beat and so I am very insecure when it comes to other people 'stealing my man away' and who better to then women he has been with (one he was with for 2 years, and the other three) Help please I know how petty I am acting and I am sure some of you just want to tell me to get over it and shut up, but it is hard. I am a lot better than I was last year and a HUGE improvement on what I was like when we first got together. He is really supportive, but no matter what happens, I just wish it would all go away Link to post Share on other sites
vixen Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Kat sister we have the same problem, never can take our own advise. to you i say this, first off who dumped who in his relation ships? If he dumped them take comfort in the fact that he knows he doesn't want them. If they dumped him know that he knows they can be hurtful. Remember that he went to you honestly with this, he want you because he's with you, he's putting them in YOUR territory, Probity wants to show you off. Now here is the second most important thing. Go to him, say i don't want to begrudge you your friends, I am a bit uncomfortable with them seeing you though. I only say this because i love you and don't want problems for us. Ask him to detail and plan the whole event out with you. There can be no slip ups. Tell him it would make you allot more comfortable if he spent the entire time next to you, by your side always, and not alone with them ever. Tell him this is what you need at least for the initial part of this so you may grow comfortable with his choice in staying friends with them. Ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, and what he would have you do for such a case. Tell him you trust him, but can't trust them, not yet. And feel it's for both your benefit that you see eye to on this and support one another in uncomfortable situations. Talking is always the best route to take when relationships are as close as yours. The more open and honest, strait forward you are to him, the more he can understand and respect your needs. OK? *huggles* you'll get through this sis, i know it Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 The first relationship he dumped her (and strangely enough I have never had a problem with her in regards to 'jealousy'). The second and one before me, she dumped him. She was the first person he ever slept with (me being second) and I have always had a problem with her. Not so much in a 'I hate her so much' way, but just that I feel she will always be in his life I don't know how to explain it. She is a nice girl and I think that is the problem. They email each other and keep in touch and I think since we have been together he has only seen her twice when I haven't been there and both times it wasn't as if he was hiding anything from me. He knows exactly how I feel and we are very open with each other. We make sure we talk about everything and sadly I have one of those rare diseases where I can't lie The talk you outlined above, we have had before. In the beginning he felt as if it was him I didn't trust, and it nearly broke us up, but he has come to understand that I do trust him, it is my inner self that I can't trust. I feel as if I betray myself if I am 'happy' with him seeing them. I am sure I will get through this, but I just wish it didn't have to happen. Because I can just tell tears are going to be shed and only by me He loves me so much and is always there for me. If I told him I didn't want him to see them, he wouldn't. Just knowing that means more to me then he will ever know. Thanks Vixen Let's hope it is worse in my head than it will be in real life Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 He must be an awfully nice fellow if they still want to see him/have remained friends with them. I know how you feel though, I am in my forties and there are still women I feel threatened by because of past relationships. You are his partner now and if I remember correctly you have a child together so you are operating from a 'position of strength'. Deep breaths! Wear something you feel wonderful in and try to enjoy their visit. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 turn it into a party! 2 ex's, you and bf sounds yucky, but add some friends to the picture, and it sounds fine to me. i think the fact that he asked you if you'd be comfortable with him seeing them and all that is a great sign. just invite some more ppl and have fun with it. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Brash - He is a great guy, which is why I understand their desire to not let him go. He would do anything for anyone We are rasing a child together, but we didn't create it. Hmm maybe I should make sure our daughter is around when they come over so they can see just how much he is devoted to his family That's cruel....Great outfit..I never thought of that. It is always too hard to make it look like you aren't trying to hard to look good when you are Yes - I don't think there is anyway they would come over at the same time. They can't stand each other thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Let's hope it is worse in my head than it will be in real life It always is. Try, try, try not to be anxious - be smug if you have to. You got him and he's got you and the others are going to be jealous and sad that they weren't the right one for him. Don't just tell him that you love him -- tell him that you know he loves you AND BELIEVE IT. If he loved either of the others he would still be with one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Well Kat...me giving you advice, given my own worries and insecurities, seems a bit funny, but it always helps hearing things from others I find...so....try and breathe and calm your mind, and remind yourself that you are loved and safe with him. Try not to figure out the "why are they visiting", because people are all different with different motivations, and you will go crazy if you think about it too much (believe me, I know!). Good luck. I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Recent ex (#2) is coming over here this afternoon Wish me luck Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Good luck! You'll be OK Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Here I was lying on the couch talking to my partner about her and nearly in tears and she knocks on the door. They are talking in the kitchen, I feel like I am ears dropping if I am in there, so I left and here I am . Now without bitching (as if I would ), she is just so 'done up'. I asked her if she drank coffee, she replied 'Oh I am actually full up, I ate just before coming' say wha?? A 'Yeah I do, but I am full thank you' would be fine. What is with this poncy talk She is all dolled up (but she didn't do that for him) and apparently he hardly ever saw her without a full face of make up. She just seems to try so hard to 'look good' and therefore, from what I see, just looks so fake. I have a feeling that she was under the impression that I would be here Eat that lady She looked so surprised to see me and when saying what time she would be here to him in an sms she ended it with 'WOOHOO!!!' All good so far, although, I made a coffee before...they could have had a wild quickie downstairs Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 She stayed for a good 3 hours. Most of the time I left the room as I just felt awkward. I went and got our daughter from day care early so she could meet her (she hadn't met her yet). She got all clucky and was really nice. Asked our daughter all sorts of young kids questions and even sat down and watched the Piglet movie with her and my partner. I think my worst fear is her coming back to him with a 'what if' or even worse, trying a move on him. I am scared that if she did (which knowing my mind would never do) he wouldn't tell me I got a lot of 'You know I love you's' from him today which was nice But I had to leave the house at one stage and my mind just raced about what they could be doing.... no that thy would...but my mind just isn't convinced. How do you tell someone that it isn't that you don't trust them, it is that you are just aware of the'possibilities' and scared of them Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Have you explained it like that to your partner? That directly? Maybe he can reassure you a bit further. Other than that, it is you who needs to feel secure and happy in yourself, and your mind which you need to control. I know that can be hard, because I have trouble controlling my own thoughts much of the time! I think you sound like you were very calm through the whole thing and that you are loved and in a good relationship. It certainly is a situation which can be expected to be a bit uncomfortable I think. My bf said HE would feel weird if I were to sit down with him and his ex-wife. I think I would too, although sometimes I have wanted to meet her, just to see what she's like! And I'd feel funny if he met up with one of my exes too I think, even though I'm sure it would not be unpleasant. Anyway, you've survived it now. And you are the one he's with and loves! Try and trust in that and remind yourself of that. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 I'm curious to hear how HE thought the visit went...sorry, nosy! Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 31, 2003 Share Posted December 31, 2003 He thought it went great She asked me about what I had been doing, we sat down and chatted for a while, then went and got our daughter and they say there watching the movie together, then she left. He said he likes it that we get along and that she likes me He likes it when we talk (not sure why) but yeah, no cat fights, no hair pulled. I even gave her a kiss on the cheek when she left (and he just got a hug ). I still worry in my own little way, about what he thinks of her, what he misses etc. I asked him last night what he thought of her. He basically said that she is someone who is always looking for something better and thinks it will always be somewhere else (she is leaving for a 2 year overseas trip in a month). I have told him everything I have stated in this thread before. Some of it two years ago, but most of it recently. I told him last night that I was scared that if anything happened, or a move was made, if he would tell him.... His response 'I have learnt to tell you everything, even if it isn't a very nice thing to tell you, or it may hurt' (which is exactly what I want him to do and him knowing that means a lot). I am sure some of you are sitting here going 'Why is she posting if there isn't a problem', but it is just nice to be able to vent and have other people understand and not think I am a bitch for thinking these things. I appriciate your posts more than you will ever know.... Now after New Years ex #1 comes to visit. I am kind of scared. We haven't seen each other for the entire two and a half years me and my partner have been going out because she hates me . Cut a long story short, just after my daughter was born I went on a 'I am free' rampage and ended up having casual sex with a guy for a while. Turns out he was still going out with his girlfriend (yes, that's right, it is my partners first ex ) and he left me and went back to her, then he continued to cheat on her with another chick he was sleeping with (who he was sleeping whith while with me too ) and then he left to work interstate. I still keep in touch with him as he is a good mate (he isn't a very deep guy, very free and niave) of both mine and my partners. But I don't think she ever forgave me, or got over it (which is fair enough). Link to post Share on other sites
vixen Posted December 31, 2003 Share Posted December 31, 2003 I'm so happy that it went well for you Kat. Seems you have lead an interesting life. Don't worry you and your man have been through so much, i think you can weather the storms. XD And i love when people just post for the sake of venting, we all need to do it, so why denie ourselves the relief. I'm always happy to listen. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 31, 2003 Share Posted December 31, 2003 thanks vixen interesting life is an understatement Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted December 31, 2003 Share Posted December 31, 2003 Originally posted by Kat I am sure some of you are sitting here going 'Why is she posting if there isn't a problem', but it is just nice to be able to vent and have other people understand and not think I am a bitch for thinking these things. I hear you! It's nice to have a support network to bounce things off! Link to post Share on other sites
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