Dating without enough physical attraction...can it be done?

[SilverLining]

I have posted on these boards for a bit, and I've always gotten some much needed perspective, so I'm reaching out again. My life has recently become a whirlwind and long story short, I find myself traveling SouthEast Asia with an old friend of mine, who was essentially my best friend. The background is that he fell in love with me and I turned him down for some good reasons, and we lost touch for a few years but regained communication a couple of years ago. We are now both around 30 and have met up in person after 6 years of emails and instant messaging. In person, I find him to be positively changed in a lot of ways. He has become more open, social, he takes charge, he is amazingly funny and extremely affectionate. We still communicate well, and we have a lot of fun together. It's become obvious that his feelings for me have returned, despite everything. The issue is me. I always appreciated his friendship but knew we wouldn't do well in a relationship. With how we have both altered in the years apart, I now find myself extremely attracted to his personality, sense of humor, and affectionate nature. It would be perfect EXCEPT that I can't seem to get over the physical side. It isn't that he isn't attractive - he has a decent face. It's more along the lines that he's short with a small build, and is quite honestly, pretty scrawny. While I have this intense attraction to his mind, I lack the intense physical attraction.

 

I am not sure what to do. He has laid his cards on the table - he wants a relationship but will not jeopardize our friendship again for it. He also knows I've always been turned off by scrawny guys. Part of this is deeply rooted for me - my father was abusive and he was scrawny. I have this very deep need to feel protected and safe as well, and guys of this body type definitely don't make me feel that way. I don't care if a guy is overweight or losing hair, or maybe not even that facially attractive...all of that to me is better than dating a scrawny guy. I have some attraction to him but I don't feel it's enough to start an actual relationship.

 

Do you guys think that there is a chance that I could develop a strong enough emotional connection that I could actually be more physically attracted to him? I don't want to tell him to work out, although in honesty I think it would help...but I don't want him to have to change himself for me. I also don't want to go into something without a strong physical connection, I feel like I'd always be in danger of hurting him to be with someone I'm more attracted to. I feel like if I could get over this, we could have something pretty awesome. Has anyone else experienced this...or experienced the opposite, such as meeting a great guy or girl who is perhaps too overweight/short/tall/curvy/not curvy enough for your taste? I don't want to hurt an otherwise great guy, or miss out on a great opportunity.

[SilverLining]

Prez....WHAT? I beg to differ. I find men to be, in general, gorgeous. When I am with someone I am extremely attracted to, I can't keep my hands or mind off of him. My last relationship was with a guy with an amazing body and oh man it was sweet...but then I was also with a guy who was gaining weight, losing hair, but had some muscles and broad shoulders and I was completely addicted to his body, even after 6 years. I love, love, LOVE men and I know a great many women that feel the same way. Anyone here who doesn't realize that women lust after men, aren't visual creatures as men are, and don't find men attractive are really out of touch. That's like saying men have no feelings and are only interested in sex.

 

I can find some things to be attracted about with my friend, but NOTHING compared to how it could be.

[FitChick]

Tell him you think you would be more attracted to him if he hired a personal trainer for a month and built himself up a bit. There is no down side. If you still don't fancy him he will look that much better to other women, so it's win-win.

[alphamale]

Do you guys think that there is a chance that I could develop a strong enough emotional connection that I could actually be more physically attracted to him?

no, not really, unless he comes into a very large inheritance

[ptp]

I think it is possible, but very unlikely that a relationship like that would last.

 

It is unfortunate for more average looking guys, but attraction is very essential to a relationship. It doesn't have be purely physical attraction but, it does have to be sexual attraction. It doesn't seem like you are sexually attracted to him.

 

I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a woman who wasn't sexually attracted to me.

[somedude81]

I find him to be positively changed in a lot of ways. He has become more open, social, he takes charge, he is amazingly funny and extremely affectionate. We still communicate well, and we have a lot of fun together. It's become obvious that his feelings for me have returned, despite everything. The issue is me. I always appreciated his friendship but knew we wouldn't do well in a relationship. With how we have both altered in the years apart, I now find myself extremely attracted to his personality, sense of humor, and affectionate nature. It would be perfect EXCEPT that I can't seem to get over the physical side. It isn't that he isn't attractive - he has a decent face. It's more along the lines that he's short with a small build, and is quite honestly, pretty scrawny. While I have this intense attraction to his mind, I lack the intense physical attraction.

Are you for real?

 

That is precisely the reason men become bitter and angry

 

If you had an intense physical attraction to an verbally abuse assh*le, would you date him?

 

The guy you are talking about sounds absolutely great for you. Who cares that his body doesn't make you want to rip his clothes off and ravage him?

[Cracker Jack]

I think it is possible, but very unlikely that a relationship like that would last.

 

It is unfortunate for more average looking guys, but attraction is very essential to a relationship. It doesn't have be purely physical attraction but, it does have to be sexual attraction. It doesn't seem like you are sexually attracted to him.

 

I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a woman who wasn't sexually attracted to me.

 

Yeah, I agree with this post. I just doubt the relationship will be strong if she's not both sexually and mentally attracted to him.

[kassy]

I think you should let him go. He sounds fantastic, and you don't sound attracted to him sexually. I'm not sure what you think telling a guy to go to the gym and beef up and maybe he might be good enough for you then would do to his self-esteem... especially as I don't think that would work for you as he won't change that much any time soon.

 

I'm dating a guy who is quite similar in attributes to the one you are talking about and I'm pretty annoyed with other women he has dated as it seems that they have given him a lot of insecurity about himself physically. I think he's bloody gorgeous, and a fantastic man in so so many ways (including but not limited to in bed), and I really don't understand, if they didn't find him attractive that is fine, don't date him. But don't date someone and then make them feel unattractive. It is quite simply mean and unecessary.

[LittleTiger]

There is a very simple answer to this question - NO!

 

Remember that in a LTR you will be expected by your partner to have regular sex with them - imagine yourself having sex with this man.

 

Without wanting to get too graphic on the dating sections, imagine kissing his body all over and having him do the same to you, imagine giving him oral sex or any of the things you usually enjoy doing with, or to, men you're very attracted to.

 

If you don't feel a strong desire to do these things with him, then you never will. I'm betting you even grimaced at the thought of it. You've known him long enough for sexual feelings to have developed by now - they aren't there and you can't force them.

 

You love him as a friend and nothing more so value that friendship for what it is.

[LittleTiger]

Are you for real?

 

That is precisely the reason men become bitter and angry

 

If you had an intense physical attraction to an verbally abuse assh*le, would you date him?

 

The guy you are talking about sounds absolutely great for you. Who cares that his body doesn't make you want to rip his clothes off and ravage him?

 

sumdude81 - if you feel bitter or angry because women are not physically attracted to you that is your issue not women's. Imagine a woman you know that you would never want to have sex with - no matter how lovely a person she was - and then answer the OP again.

 

Please do not say that you are physically attracted to every woman you know and get along with because that will either make you a liar or desperate - of course, in either case, it would explain your difficulty in attracting women.

 

If you really would be happy to have sex with every single woman you've ever met, you could also try imagining having sex with one of your best male friends (assuming you find men sexually unattractive). How does that feel? It's really no different from what the OP is saying - no sexual attraction, no hope of a relationship.

 

Then imagine being in a LTR with a woman who really liked you as a friend but was turned off, or even physically repulsed, by you touching her. Who cares that she doesn't want to rip your clothes off you and ravage you? - you do - big time!!! Especially a few years down the line when she can no longer bring herself to 'pretend' that she wants you and you find yourself 'stuck' in a sexless relationship, or even worse, marriage.

 

Sexual attraction in a LTR is essential - get used to it sumdude because it isn't going to change any time soon!

[OnyxSnowfall]

I do think physical attraction can spawn or build over time.... however, if his merits have not already spawned it in within you, considering how much you seem to have touted them............. I don't think the odds are too great that they will.

 

Still, given what you've also stated, it sounds like you have a psychological barrier. It may be worth attempting to work out with a professional --- I don't recommend attempting to "over-come" it by yourself, or rather, at the potential expense of someone else. Like others have said, it could be mean and or cruel...

[Wolf18]

sumdude81 - if you feel bitter or angry because women are not physically attracted to you that is your issue not women's. Imagine a woman you know that you would never want to have sex with - no matter how lovely a person she was - and then answer the OP again.

 

Please do not say that you are physically attracted to every woman you know and get along with because that will either make you a liar or desperate - of course, in either case, it would explain your difficulty in attracting women.

 

If you really would be happy to have sex with every single woman you've ever met, you could also try imagining having sex with one of your best male friends (assuming you find men sexually unattractive). How does that feel? It's really no different from what the OP is saying - no sexual attraction, no hope of a relationship.

 

Then imagine being in a LTR with a woman who really liked you as a friend but was turned off, or even physically repulsed, by you touching her. Who cares that she doesn't want to rip your clothes off you and ravage you? - you do - big time!!! Especially a few years down the line when she can no longer bring herself to 'pretend' that she wants you and you find yourself 'stuck' in a sexless relationship, or even worse, marriage.

 

Sexual attraction in a LTR is essential - get used to it sumdude because it isn't going to change any time soon!

 

 

I agree with you.

 

So then why do women tell the guy the OP is talking about, me and mr Dude that it's our personality that is turning women off?

 

Personality matters very little in "The game".

 

Funny, the OP is in another thread as we speak talking about how much she loves "geeks". I guess her definition of "geek" is Fabio wearing glasses.

[Metis]

Wolf18: I don't know about her definition of geek, but as a woman who is attracted to geeks herself, I would define a geek as someone with keen intellectual passion and a wealth of encyclopedic knowledge. You, for one, clearly aren't a geek.

 

Oh, and -- personality matters quite a bit for sexual attraction.

[dispatch3d]

Sounds like the guy is just a little toooo available to me.

[alphamale]

Sounds like the guy is just a little toooo available to me.

or too dorky d3d

[runner]

There is a very simple answer to this question - NO!

 

Remember that in a LTR you will be expected by your partner to have regular sex with them - imagine yourself having sex with this man.

 

Without wanting to get too graphic on the dating sections, imagine kissing his body all over and having him do the same to you, imagine giving him oral sex or any of the things you usually enjoy doing with, or to, men you're very attracted to.

 

If you don't feel a strong desire to do these things with him, then you never will. I'm betting you even grimaced at the thought of it. You've known him long enough for sexual feelings to have developed by now - they aren't there and you can't force them.

 

You love him as a friend and nothing more so value that friendship for what it is.

 

yep, this pretty much says it all.

[jobaba]

It would be perfect EXCEPT that I can't seem to get over the physical side. It isn't that he isn't attractive - he has a decent face. It's more along the lines that he's short with a small build, and is quite honestly, pretty scrawny. While I have this intense attraction to his mind, I lack the intense physical attraction.

 

I think you are really shallow. But that's your right. You're probably a pretty woman or an average woman who has good looking guys as options. So, why settle for less right?

 

I mean to quantify attraction in that detail (yea, his face is cute, but he's too small) you're basically saying, "He's attractive, but not attractive enough, I can do better lookswise.

 

If I were him and I heard you saying something like that, I wouldn't want any part of you. But that's just me. I'm not judging. There's lots of people like you. Just giving my opinion.

 

Without wanting to get too graphic on the dating sections, imagine kissing his body all over and having him do the same to you, imagine giving him oral sex or any of the things you usually enjoy doing with, or to, men you're very attracted to.

 

If you don't feel a strong desire to do these things with him, then you never will. I'm betting you even grimaced at the thought of it. You've known him long enough for sexual feelings to have developed by now - they aren't there and you can't force them.

 

You love him as a friend and nothing more so value that friendship for what it is.

 

Imagine you were dating a really hot guy, and he got into a bad car accident and his face was disfigured. Or that the same guy put on 30 pounds and became overweight.

 

Would you dump him in either case?

 

Do you think people in their 60s and 70s stay together because they can't wait to jump in the sack everyday with their SOs.

 

Life creates different people based on their backgrounds and I would absolutely date someone I had physical attraction to (though I have never had to).

 

You can't generalize about everybody based on what you and the majority think.

[jobaba]

I don't care if a guy is overweight or losing hair, or maybe not even that facially attractive...all of that to me is better than dating a scrawny guy. I have some attraction to him but I don't feel it's enough to start an actual relationship.

 

Sorry, but I just really wish I could reach out to this guy and slap him in the face.

 

WHY, WHY, WHY is he into you?

[runner]

 

Imagine you were dating a really hot guy, and he got into a bad car accident and his face was disfigured. Or that the same guy put on 30 pounds and became overweight.

 

Would you dump him in either case?

 

you must be reading the wrong thread, cos the guy in the OP isn't 'a really hot guy' (just pleasant to be with).

[ffw]

I agree with LT. Physical attraction is not a choice. Before you know a person, attraction is one of the things that gel the persons involve in a relationship. In this case, even if she got in relationship with this guy, she may end up getting physical attaracted to another guy. Ultimately, this could to disaster results.

[jobaba]

you must be reading the wrong thread, cos the guy in the OP isn't 'a really hot guy' (just pleasant to be with).

 

Let's 180 this for a second.

 

Imagine a guy coming on here and saying, "I don't care if a woman has a big nose or bad boobs, but I absolutely cannot date a fat girl. Never could I be attracted to one."

 

To me, that's pretty bad.

 

Perhaps I was a little rough on the OP. People are going to like what they like and nothing is really going to change that, so this thread doesn't really have much value.

 

Just know that everybody is not like that.

[jobaba]

I agree with LT. Physical attraction is not a choice. Before you know a person, attraction is one of the things that gel the persons involve in a relationship. In this case, even if she got in relationship with this guy, she may end up getting physical attaracted to another guy. Ultimately, this could to disaster results.

 

Yes, it is a choice. What if you were in an accident and were blinded tomorrow? How much would your potential partners' faces matter then?

 

Once again, people will choose what they want and will rarely take less than what they can get.

 

What you are attracted to is a cumulative result of your background influencing your brain and emotions. It is NOT something that cannot be changed or altered.

[ffw]

Yes, it is a choice. What if you were in an accident and were blinded tomorrow? How much would your potential partners' faces matter then?

 

To answer your question, I had to divert the thread a bit. You are not getting the point. Even before the accident, it was the attraction, love, etc.. that kept relationship together. Now, If a person got blinded, then the future of a relationship depends upon the person's involve. You are using your example as a 1-dimensional case & not a 3-dimensional.

[LittleTiger]

I agree with you.

 

So then why do women tell the guy the OP is talking about, me and mr Dude that it's our personality that is turning women off?

 

Personality matters very little in "The game".

 

Funny, the OP is in another thread as we speak talking about how much she loves "geeks". I guess her definition of "geek" is Fabio wearing glasses.

 

Women, just like men, fall for the 'whole package' not just looks or just personality - we have to be attracted to both.

 

You could be drop dead gorgeous in the looks department but if you have social phobia and zero personality you'll be about as attractive as a toad!

 

Besides which, you don't have to be 'good looking' to attract a woman you just have to be physically attractive to the woman you want.

 

The reason that people on LS say it must be your personality that's turning women off is because it's your 'personality' that they are aware of from your posts. It could also be because neither of you are actually ugly.

[carhill]

In the cold light of the internet newly standard time day, someone like this, a little scrawny 5'2" man with a somewhat disconcerting face might be abhorrent to many women.

 

However, place a Gibson SG standard in his hands and suddenly panties drop. No worries though; he's been married 30 years

 

OP, you like what you like. Your loins lubricate for who they do. Own that. If you really are his friend, I hope you'll foster and support his journey to find and be with someone with whom mutual loin lubrication exists. Good luck.

Edited November 6, 2011 by carhill