Engaged to somone who is not pretty...to me

[justmeRightnow]

Hello,

The title of my thread says it all.......in fact it doesn't. But if I was to reduce all those 5 years of our wonderful relationship into one single line that was to explain why I am worried about getting married, it would probably be that horrible line above.

 

I need help with something that I don't know how to solve myself...and that I can't share with my friends, my relatives and most of all, with my fiancee...

 

We have been together for 5 years...and overall it has been very very nice. We are both pursuing academic careers (at one of the top universities) and this is where we understand each other really well: we can speak for hours about literature, politics, sports, music or any other topic while enjoying each other's company. When we travel and when we are together in our apartment, we do really well as well....I think.

 

I respect her very much...I have not had greater respect for any other woman that I dated before. She has a wonderful personality: trustworthy, gentle, kind and smart..someone who would be a wonderful mother to our children - a topic we talk about often these days.

We are in our early 30s and my fiancee has no doubts about her feelings - she wants to get married and plan a life together.

 

And here comes the "but". There probably always is one. I don't feel it....I don't simply feel it in my heart....I don't feel that I want to get married and there's one rather simple reason for that: sometimes I just don't find my fiancee attractive.....and that "sometimes" has become now "quite often". I am not attracted and it pains me....when we make love it costs me lot of emotional energy to be a good and caring lover (it is almost never natural to me). And it pains me that I cannot give her that sort of physical love that she would deserve for the wonderful being she is......But the biggest problem (and many will not believe me here) is that I feel even more pain when I look at her don't find her face pretty.....I wish I would and sometimes try to force myself into seeing her as somone I enjoy looking at...but it often doesn't work and so I look away...wait for the moment when it such feelings go away...wait for her to have a better day, to be more rested....to look better.

I try to supress such thoughts of her not being "pretty to me"......but when we go out together for dinner and accidently come across someone in the street,or in the restaurant whose face I find pretty to look at, I feel almost a physical pain... for I wish that I could look at my fiancee that way too.

 

I want to tell you that this is more than about sex. I know that sex becomes old with almost anyone after a few years ...I can do without it, mastrubate or find a way how to solve it together. This is about the emotions that I want to feel for my finacee.....it is about being truly able to tell here that she is "beautiful today" and feel it that way too. Often I feel that I need to lie. Hence,I feel unhappy...unhappy for she deserves more than lies and because I want to live a life where I don't need to lie either. I want to give her the honest feeling of admiration (something which one cannot fake). I want to adore her not just for the person that she is, but also for the woman that she is....... I think that every woman deserves to be loved in both ways...

 

...but I don't know how to will myself into seeing her face and feeling joy sometimes. I want to walk along side with her and look at her face and feel joy...enjoy watching her...finding it pretty again and again..instead I have to avoid our eye contact for I am worried she would see what my eyes are seeing....i.e that they are looking for beauty and cannot find it.

 

In the past I never had trouble breaking up..I could be very decisive...and go with my gut feelings.

Not this time...I have been feeling this for a while now (a few years?)..but I am not even sure what my gut feelings are anymore..they fluctuate..sometimes I see her and find her pretty and everything is fine. Sometimes it just hits me so badly that I cannot move....and this kind of feeling comes back and back, it never goes away forever.

I have not breaken up because I am unsure about it - I don't feel I would be any more relieved......but I won't be relieved if we get married either.. I am stuck!

 

I am worried to get married because I know that I can be a better lover than I am now.... I don't want to get married for I am not feeling entirely happy...and I worry for her and our own sake...what do these emotions mean?

 

P.S. I hope you will not misunderstand what I am trying to tell you here: my finacee is generally a pretty person - there are quite a few men who find her attractive. And I am not looking for a "model"..have never dated anyone like that and don't need anyone like that. I just want to look at her and feel: my wife is pretty to me!

[Leegh]

Please don't feel guilty about anything. Please do not marry her out of obligation. It sounds as if you respect her a lot, and are deeply attached to her, but that it is not romantic love on your part. I'm sure she is a wonderful person, but that is not a reason to marry someone. It's like a "catch 22", if you marry her you'd have doubts, and if you break up, that's stressful as well. Sometimes when a person is away from another person for a significient amount of time, they can get more clarity. Possibly if you and she spent a couple of months apart, it may be easier for you to make a decision.

[justmeRightnow]

Please don't feel guilty about anything. Please do not marry her out of obligation. It sounds as if you respect her a lot, and are deeply attached to her, but that it is not romantic love on your part. I'm sure she is a wonderful person, but that is not a reason to marry someone. It's like a "catch 22", if you marry her you'd have doubts, and if you break up, that's stressful as well. Sometimes when a person is away from another person for a significient amount of time, they can get more clarity. Possibly if you and she spent a couple of months apart, it may be easier for you to make a decision.

 

Leegh,

Thank you for your answer!

If I read a similar post as above by someone else I think I would advise the same what you advised me to do. Once went to a psychologist to talk about the same thing (probably 2 years ago). The psychologist told me the same - I didn't like to hear it. Didn't visit the office again. It sounds like a clear case of denial on my part...sometimes one just can't do things even with best the intentions. But in this case I don't feel it's just denial. Maybe it's me too....someone who wants too much...maybe I want everything to be perfect (I am a person like that)...and my fiancee is almost perfect. Maybe this is just the thing that I need to overcome....everybody has something in their relationship,isn't that so?

Also I wanted to tell you that I have been away from my fiancee for a long time (during research overseas). And I was thiking about breaking apart many times...at some point almost made the decision. Then she came to visit me....and we somehow got over it...we are planning our future together again.

[Leegh]

Both of you sound like great people, but if you find yourself "acting" in the relationship, being pleasant, saying things without feeling them, pretending like things are going well, that is not a good sign. If you do indeed marry her, and things don't work out, nowadays it is nothing unusual at all if marriages break up. It would not be the end of the world to have a marriage that didn't work out. Then there is the option of breaking up with her. There's a saying "you have to be cruel to be kind". In other words, if you broke up with her, it may be the best thing for her in the long run, as she may meet someone down the road that is really more suitable for her.

[PlumPrincess]

How come that other men find her attractive and you just don't find her pretty at all?

[justmeRightnow]

I never said I don't find my fiancee attractive at all......I think that people who have been in a long-term relationship will probably understand what I have written.

[justmeRightnow]

Both of you sound like great people, but if you find yourself "acting" in the relationship, being pleasant, saying things without feeling them, pretending like things are going well, that is not a good sign. If you do indeed marry her, and things don't work out, nowadays it is nothing unusual at all if marriages break up. It would not be the end of the world to have a marriage that didn't work out. Then there is the option of breaking up with her. There's a saying "you have to be cruel to be kind". In other words, if you broke up with her, it may be the best thing for her in the long run, as she may meet someone down the road that is really more suitable for her.

 

It's not really that we are pretending..I think that my fiancee is geniune and that she is truly happy with the way things are (and we have sex....it's not often..maybe once in 14 days or so.....If I was more passionate, it would be much more often). And I am not pretending when we are together.....sometimes things are totally fine. But then there are those days that I described above...and they happen more and more often...also as we get older.

[PlumPrincess]

I'm confused. You repeatedly stated in your first post that you just didn't find her pretty. I assume that you mean, you do not find her physically attractive, or to be more clear, her facial features do not appeal to you? Many other men do find her pretty, though? Did I get it right?

 

Or do you want to say that you are not in love with her and also don't feel any physical desire for her?

[justmeRightnow]

I'm confused. You repeatedly stated in your first post that you just didn't find her pretty. I assume that you mean, you do not find her physically attractive, or to be more clear, her facial features do not appeal to you? Many other men do find her pretty, though? Did I get it right?

 

Or do you want to say that you are not in love with her and also don't feel any physical desire for her?

 

I meant to say that physically she does not appeal to me the way other women do...not that she is totally unattractive. I also wanted to say that this is something I am ready to fight, to find a solution......my rational me tells me that sex is not crucial especially as one gets older....

 

Me and my finacee make love once in 14 days...maybe once in 3 weeks. This is probably not so bad though I feel she'd like to be loved more often. The truth is that when I was with women who attracted me physically, I would make love to them each day...sometimes even many times. Hence I feel there's this part of me that is much more restrained now..that it's not my natural self...that I need to say in the evening that I am tired when, in fact, I just don't feel like having sex. I am athletic, play sports almost each day and a lack of energy is not the real problem.

......but having less sex is probably also something that one has to deal with in a long-term relationship anyways? Probably many people feel that way?

 

What makes me feel frustrated is that sometimes when I look at her facial features I don't find her attractive....it's not always so. But certain angles...certain time of the day....my fiancee doesn't care much about creams, beauty saloons, make-up....she never wears make-up. She doesn't look much after herself in this regard. And sometimes she just doesn't look pretty. When her hair is let loose (i.e. not a pony-tail) and washed, I like to look at her and find her pretty. But very often she ties it in a pony-tail and her hair doesn't look washed, healthy. I tried to suggest that we should put more effort into looking pretty for each other..but my message somehow didn't get across. I think that she simply doesn't know how I feel about these issues....

maybe also because feeling attracted to people by "looks" is in many ways extremeley superficial. That said I just can't help thinking about it......

If I knew how to block this out I would do it.....but I notice these things.....

I am probaly naturally a very passionate person...

does this make sense?

[Kamille]

Did you find her attractive when you first started dating?

 

How often do you go out on dates that would involve some dressing up? (Dinner in a fancy restaurant, gala/fundraiser, etc.)

[Leegh]

Since you are overseas now, possibly you could "test the waters" with other women, have a few dates, (not being intiminate, but just going out on a date). Since you are not married, it could be OK under the circumstances. Your financee doesn't have to know.

[justmeRightnow]

Did you find her attractive when you first started dating?

 

How often do you go out on dates that would involve some dressing up? (Dinner in a fancy restaurant, gala/fundraiser, etc.)

 

I often think about your first question. When I met her I thought she was charming.....it was not a physical attraction in the way one feels with some people....or the sort of immediate "wow I want to touch you" attraction I felt with a few women before. It was not chemical in this sense.

It developed slowly, we met and talked and talked...went for a concert, watched a movie.......after a few months we started dating. I don't have many memories but it was nice...not overly physical but not without any passion. I just really liked being with her...and that is true until these days. But if I am dead honest, no it was not love at first sight!

I have experienced "love at first sight" - it didn't work out for good though....it was chemical but it would not work for life. My current partner is the opposite...I feel it could work for life...but there's this part that I don't know how to overcome.

 

As for your second question, not often. We go out and dress normally......concerts, fancy dinners..once in few months....we are truly livinig a very academic life. and as I said, my partner really doesn't put much effort into her outward appearance...she dresses causally

[justmeRightnow]

Since you are overseas now, possibly you could "test the waters" with other women, have a few dates, (not being intiminate, but just going out on a date). Since you are not married, it could be OK under the circumstances. Your financee doesn't have to know.

 

I have done that too....but didn't find any satisfaction in that (maybe because the people I met were not the right people). My finacee is also classy in many ways, smart, nice......it is enjoyable to spend time with her...it's not easy to find anybody in her league.

that said I do feel that when an attractive intelligent woman does appear from time to time (when we meet with friends etc.), I feel vulnerable, exposed, hence depressed...

[Tiberius]

You should break it off if it bothers you. Pity you did not realize her unprettyness before getting engaged. This is the one time you shouldnt be honest however.

[elenda]

Just end this relationship. Every relationship must lead to marriage. If you repel it so much, don't waste each other's time. You think your girlfriend is not attractive in appearance now. With the time passing, women are easily faded. You will be eventually fed up with this. So don't hurt her any longer.

[justmeRightnow]

Just end this relationship. Every relationship must lead to marriage. If you repel it so much, don't waste each other's time. You think your girlfriend is not attractive in appearance now. With the time passing, women are easily faded. You will be eventually fed up with this. So don't hurt her any longer.

 

Is there anyone out there who has been in a situation like this and has carried on?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Since you are overseas now, possibly you could "test the waters" with other women, have a few dates, (not being intiminate, but just going out on a date). Since you are not married, it could be OK under the circumstances. Your financee doesn't have to know.

 

Yikes! I think that is bad advice! He is engaged. There is no "testing the waters with other women" for a man who is engaged.

 

OP;

 

You wrote:

 

And here comes the "but". There probably always is one. I don't feel it....I don't simply feel it in my heart....I don't feel that I want to get married

 

The reason - you don't find her pretty (and you are not attracted to her physically in any way, we soon learn) is pretty incidental.

 

If you don't feel it in your heart and you don't want to get married,

 

DO NOT GET MARRIED.

 

It's hard enough to keep a marriage healthy and working when the two people involved both wanted to get married in the first place. This is no way to start a marriage.

 

Time to say goodbye, I think.

[justmeRightnow]

The reason - you don't find her pretty (and you are not attracted to her physically in any way, we soon learn) is pretty incidental.

 

If you don't feel it in your heart and you don't want to get married,

 

DO NOT GET MARRIED.

 

It's hard enough to keep a marriage healthy and working when the two people involved both wanted to get married in the first place. This is no way to start a marriage.

 

Time to say goodbye, I think.

 

I am currently at work....or should be working...but can't get this out of my head, can't concentrate....I've felt bumped every since I wrote this.

Basically all of you so far have been saying one and the same thing: to end our relationship. Probably it's written all over the place in my responses ...probably for someone who just reads what I have written and doesn't know any of the context, doesn't know me and her..i.e. for someone whose judgement is based solely on what I am saying here, it's clear - the only way is to end this relationship.

 

I do think that it's silly to make a decision based on what a few people tell me somewhere here in the open cyberspace. For what I know, you could be total lunetics - and the chances are that some of you are (after all do happy/busy people hang around internet forums? I do now, but I am a troubled individual as it's clear from the what I have already written thus far). That said, I think that you are able to see in an objective way some of the things that my friends, my family, the two of us and eventually me are not able to see anymore....that's why i take these responses seriously....as an objective mirror of a reality that is part of my own psyche....

 

Sometimes I feel that this is the only way - to end our relationship to stop hurting both of us....but then I wait for a few days (for I am a person who can get easily excited as well as depressed)....and when I wait it goes away....and then we are happy though some of the feelings always lurk in the background.

But is this not what it means to be in a serious relationship? I.e. is there truly a relationship where there are no problems? Even problems that are potentially hurtful as this one? I just don't know what is normal, what is acceptable, what one should do...and where one should not go anymore....somehow I feel I have lost a sense of perspective....

 

I went over our last pictures just now from a vacation we did together 3 months ago......in some pictures my fiancee looks lovely and it warms my heart....and then there are those where I feel I have to delete them.

 

There are days when I think back at the time when we started dating.....and I ask myself: if I had to decide again, would I do it? Would I show up for our first date? And I know that the answer is> no.

 

But then I look back at all the time we spent together and feel that these years were SO special....and happy in so many ways...and I would not want to loose them either....ie. if you gave me the option to go back but on the condition that I would have to loose all those memories and the time we spent together, I am not sure whether I would say yes to that.

 

 

I have a favor to ask those who respond to me from now on: would it be possible to indicate, at least approximately how old you are?

 

I am in my early 30s and think that the way one looks at marriage changes with age....

my conception of marriage was extremeley romantic when I was young...I think that I thought of marriage and partnership in the way in which many of the contemporary idiotic movies depict it...as a romance in which you simply know whether "it's right"! In real life it seems to be much more complicated...and there are very few people around me who have experienced this kind of love and relationship. And there are those who got married by way of a romantic love but got divorced later or it simply didn't work later for them - the spark was lost etc. In many ways our relationship is not lost on this account..I still feel we are developing and learning from each other.

 

What I am trying to say: I see that things in life can work out if they are based on your gut feeling.....but they might not either. That our "gut feelings" are different in the short-term and in the long-term. That they can help us as much as deceive us.

and this is why I don't know whether i can tust my intuition now....for many times in my life, my intuition was wrong...or too short-sighted.... simply it didn't understand some part of who I was as a person over a much longer-term period.

I don't know whether this makes sense to you....

 

Is there anyone out there who has had a similar experience?Who has been similarly confused, conflicted? Who went from one extreme to do other? From feelings of yes, I want to get married to my partner to these nagging doubts and soutimes clear outbursts of negative emotions that tell you to end the whole relationship? This is exactly how I feel.....there's no middle ground anymore....either I get married (for I am responsible to her in this way too) or we have to go own separate ways...

 

btw. for those who read these lines: I am in many respects a perfectly sane person...have never been on any drugs, taken any medication, never needed any psychological help (apart from the one incidence described above)...I don't drink or lead any strange life...get along with people well......don't suffer from strange habbits.......from the outside I look like a normal person, maybe even a happy easy-going guy (i.e. if academics can be that?) and most of my friends and don't probably have a clue that I am in certain respects this unhappy.What I am trying to say: I am not a maniac of any sort...just someone who's trying to find a "steady happiness"or some normal balance in life that would allow me to go and live without these swings in mood that I have been experiencing in the last few years.

 

sorry, this is way too long...I just can't stop thinking...

Edited November 7, 2011 by justmeRightnow
too many typos

[justmeRightnow]

It's hard enough to keep a marriage healthy and working when the two people involved both wanted to get married in the first place. This is no way to start a marriage.

 

Time to say goodbye, I think.

 

Yeah, I'd say the same. I never thought I would start a marriage in this way....but I am thinking about it now...what can I say? I never thought that in my early 30s I would be looking for advice on an internet forum about my marriage either? Again, it's a reality now....not ideal...far from ideal....

 

that things will turn out this way when I reach my 30s...I had never considered that as a possibility before..not for a second. If someone told me 10 years ago that this would happen I would have laughed out laud....I was absolutely sure that I would marry the woman a beautiful smart one, a woman that I love without any conditions....

 

was I right at that time?

Or just plain stupid...naive and over-confident?

I am not even able to give you an answer to this question anymore: for sometimes I think that despite the ignorance of my youth..there was something right about that kind of attitude and thinking..back in the teens 20s......but then I think it over and reach the conclusion that I just didn't understand anything at that time.That I was overconfident - that I was simply a child who thought too highly of himself and his own small life.

Edited November 7, 2011 by justmeRightnow

[westrock]

Maybe it's me too....someone who wants too much...maybe I want everything to be perfect (I am a person like that)...and my fiancee is almost perfect. Maybe this is just the thing that I need to overcome....everybody has something in their relationship,isn't that so?

 

Why do you want everything perfect? In a relationship you give up control and cannot make things "perfect" anymore. I think this scares you. That's your real issue. How pretty or not pretty is her face is secondary.

 

From what you've written, it sounds like you have committment issues and you are experiencing anxiety over the idea of getting married likely because it will mean the loss of control and inability to have it perfect.

 

The issue of how pretty or not pretty is her face at different times is actually just a secondary issue that you are latching onto so you can avoid facing your own anxiety over your issue with perfectionism. The fact that you are focussing on a physical feature such as her face is likely a deliberate subconscious choice on your part because there is no way she can change that aspect of herself which allows you to rationalize being able to avoid facing your own anxiety.

[norajane]

Why do you want everything perfect? In a relationship you give up control and cannot make things "perfect" anymore. I think this scares you. That's your real issue. How pretty or not pretty is her face is secondary.

 

From what you've written, it sounds like you have committment issues and you are experiencing anxiety over the idea of getting married likely because it will mean the loss of control and inability to have it perfect.

 

The issue of how pretty or not pretty is her face at different times is actually just a secondary issue that you are latching onto so you can avoid facing your own anxiety over your issue with perfectionism. The fact that you are focussing on a physical feature such as her face is likely a deliberate subconscious choice on your part because there is no way she can change that aspect of herself which allows you to rationalize being able to avoid facing your own anxiety.

 

Yes, THIS.

 

Loving someone makes a person more beautiful in their lover's eyes. But, for you, loving your fiance is having the opposite effect on you. Dig deeper into your fears.

[justmeRightnow]

Why do you want everything perfect? In a relationship you give up control and cannot make things "perfect" anymore. I think this scares you. That's your real issue. How pretty or not pretty is her face is secondary.

 

From what you've written, it sounds like you have committment issues and you are experiencing anxiety over the idea of getting married likely because it will mean the loss of control and inability to have it perfect.

 

The issue of how pretty or not pretty is her face at different times is actually just a secondary issue that you are latching onto so you can avoid facing your own anxiety over your issue with perfectionism. The fact that you are focussing on a physical feature such as her face is likely a deliberate subconscious choice on your part because there is no way she can change that aspect of herself which allows you to rationalize being able to avoid facing your own anxiety.

 

I am writing everything in an honest way.....hoping to show you what the trouble is and hoping for your honest answers as well.

And my thanks goes to you Westrock as well - I think that you are partially right about me being a "perfectionist" or liking to "control things in life" and that maybe the "looks" are only secondary here.

I think that many people will feel turned off by this......it's clear that it's off-putting.....but I am here not to appeal to you guys.....I am here because I hope that your own reflections on what I write will help me understand better.

 

In the last few years I have felt great anxieties over choices.......let me give you one example: I had to buy a Lenovo, Toshiba and Sony....in succession..before deciding that what I was truly looking for was a Mac in a laptop - spent about 1 year looking for the right thing. Yeah....I truly did go into all that trouble trying to find a machine that I would work with and would feel happy with (I work with a computer everday, all the time). And here's the catch: I found out, after I switched to a Mac for the first time in my life, that I really love that machine....it has so many flaws..but now I am not bothered by it....I like that computer...it does what I wanted from a computer..it's silent, fast, nice to use, with a good keyboard and screen...etc.

I am trying to say: I am a perfectionist but also someone who, when things seem to be right (and they don't have to be completely perfect) I can get happy...and be spreading this "happiness" around...

My perfectionism has limits......and it has also positives....it has probably contributed to the person who I am today....and it is also probably for that reason why some people like to be around me....though it's not making my life easy.

 

And my worries of getting married is not just about "control": I truly love my fiancee - maybe not in the romantic sense as we understand it - and don't want to mess up her life....and I don't want to hurt her.... if we break-up I will hurt her horribly!!! but if we stay together I might hurt her too....I don't have any trust in myself......

...I could easily marry and just see how it goes from there (we have lived together for 4 years..not much will change in real life)....but I don't want to do that....she is in an extremely vulnerable position now...dating me for a long time and getting into her 30s..it's not easy....as a woman, I think everything is much more complicated...in terms of marriage, work, childbirth......the one big reason I feel we should go ahead with a marriage and with having children is because she has put trust into me and into our relationship....she has gambled and I don't want her to loose in this gamble.

 

I also told her honestly, many times, about the troubles..insecurities about us, the way i fluctuate in this regard....I told her so that she knows and can also decide, choose her own fate...I am not hidding this from her though obviously the language I use is much softer than the one on this board......I also think she needs to know..

....but she has never felt the need to end our relationshiop..she seems to have trust in it and in me....much greater trust in me than I have into myself. And this is why I feel like a constant lier...all the time....simply because our feelings are not the same.....

 

I think that you are right....but i am not sure it's the whole issue.

And even if you were completely right, how do you change this? What do you do next?

Edited November 7, 2011 by justmeRightnow

[Leegh]

You say she is getting into her 30's. Is she still in her late 20's? She has plenty of time to have children, as most women can have children well into their 40's. I think you are probably too nice for your own good, and feel a duty to marry her.

[KathyM]

Don't get married if you have these feelings. Your disappointment with her (whether justified or not) will erode your feelings for her and damage your relationship. If you marry, that is a face you will be seeing every day for the rest of your life. If you're going to be disappointed every time you see it, it would be unfair to both of you to commit yourself to her.

[justmeRightnow]

You say she is getting into her 30's. Is she still in her late 20's? She has plenty of time to have children, as most women can have children well into their 40's. I think you are probably too nice for your own good, and feel a duty to marry her.

 

In fact she is 31. I didn't express myself clearly..sorry.