Trust betrayed: My boyfriend read my posts on this site despite me asking him not to

[vixen]

The co-worker i was dating, is a very quiet gentle man, who didn't have much experience in the ways of women. So i was taking my time, building up a trust, doing things in such a manner so he would know that i had no intent of hurting him. I was honest from the beginning, i said i don't want a serious relationship, that this can go no where. I thought he understood that. I hadn't told him about the 2 other gentlemen in my life. I was waiting for a good moment mind you. There were no good opportunities. I couldn't tell him at work, we would get interrupted, i couldn't tell him on the phone, to impersonal he might take it the wrong way. So i was simply waiting for our coffee date. Eye to eye sort of thing. I mean, i was also waiting for the right time. He's such the type to shell up that i didn't want him to scare off so quickly. I needed to show him what a good thing it was to go out on dates. To experience fun with a woman, who finds him genuinely attractive in all manners. So he can see the good in himself. I knew full well there was no future for us, but with my help, there can be a future for him. He'd get over that self doubt that was a lump in his life. He'd see himself for the truly great man he is. *sigh* But unfortunately he's... well it would seem he's dumb. I told him, the only thing i didn't want him to do was go looking for the loveshaq. And that's just what he did. He read all of my posts, most of them at least, but while quizzing him seems like he read em all. So he found out about the MIT guy and the Army guy the wrong way. He seems a bit miffed, but he was no where as miffed as i was. I couldn't belive he spied on me. All he had to do is wait one more day, less then 24 hours and i would have told him in my own terms. He is grateful to me for what I've shown him thus far. How I've opened the world up to him. But he said he has morals that would get in the way. I laughed and said where were your morals when it came to my privacy. After all of you here on this board are faceless, you have never met me, i can get an opinion and not feel it is biased in any way. It would seem there is nothing for it. He has ruined what we had. It was fun, but thankfully my "don't get emotionally involved with anyone one" plan makes me feel quite all right. I don't hurt over this. I feel a bit disappointed in him for doing such a thing i belive was not really in his character. But say la V.

 

Keep in mind that at any moment someone you are talking about can find this page. I've always known it, i mentioned the page to him and immediately said not to go to it, don't go looking for it, leave it be it's my private page. He betrayed my trust, i can no longer make life an open book for him. He's on his own once again.

[Kat]

Vixen, it is sad that while you were trying to help, it didn't work. We always try to help people, but in truth if they don't want to do it themselves, no amount of effort from us will work.

 

My partner has forums he goes on which I don't go to. They are were he has his 'privacy'. He knows about this place, I have no idea if he has read it or not. I think he hopped on once and had a read, nothing I say here am I hiding from him, so if he did find it, it may just save me some talking

 

But when push comes to shove, he betrayed your trust and that isn't on.

 

Hang in there sweety *hugs*

[vixen]

Kat you are evermore my sisiter. I here you and you echo me. LOL The other 2 guys i'm dateing know about each other, and if they found this board they'd only find that i think of them offten. XD If coworker had found this board wendsday his fealings about it would have been diffrent. Sigh, curiosity killed the cat.

[brashgal]

Did you actually tell him "don't look on Loveshack"? Mention it by name? If so, I think you set him up. Not sure what else you expected, it's human nature to be curious.

[moimeme]

I told him, the only thing i didn't want him to do was go looking for the loveshaq

 

With all due respect, was that really wise? I've told friends about the Shack, but I only ever say it's a relationship discussion forum and I absolutely do not give them the name. Of course he'd be curious! Perhaps next time you'll be more circumspect about the actual name of the board.

[Tony T]

"Keep in mind that at any moment someone you are talking about can find this page. I've always known it, i mentioned the page to him and immediately said not to go to it, don't go looking for it, leave it be it's my private page. He betrayed my trust, i can no longer make life an open book for him. He's on his own once again."

 

Hell yeah!!! The nature of humans is to be curious. You tell most people not to go somewhere and look, especially a relationship board, and they'll be right there.

[jenny]

aack - that sucks he invaded your privacy!!! arggh!

 

i thought you had said, however, that all your respective gents already knew about one another because that made your multi-relationships ethical and therefore celebratory? in which case there would not be a problem with what he read.

 

here we go:

 

As for the multiple guys thing, i tell them i am seeing other guys because i feel it is respectful to them to let them know i don't want to date anyone exclusively. They then make the decision, stay and make a bid for me, or decide to much work and settle to be friends. I don't think it warrants any mind games since i hate mind games and don't play them. I'm striate forward with everyone i know

 

and you confirmed that you told all of them in the multiplier XD thread, as well. i think multi-relationships are terrific and healthy, so long as they are straight up. and, if you're going to lie to them, at least be straight up about that.

[Errol]

I guess I'm taking this post in a different way & I don't know your history. But did this guy ask you to "help" him? It sounds like you took it upon yourself to "fix" him somehow. That is not up to you.

 

The co-worker i was dating, is a very quiet gentle man, who didn't have much experience in the ways of women. So i was taking my time, building up a trust, doing things in such a manner so he would know that i had no intent of hurting him. I was honest from the beginning, i said i don't want a serious relationship, that this can go no where. I thought he understood that.

 

You've seen on this board alone how many people have developed feelings for those who have clearly told them that nothing would come of it. I read this above paragraph like "I was trying to show this quiet man with little experience how great I am, and I would tease him and show him what I was like, but I was honest enough to tell him that we would go no-where so trust me to never love you." Never mind that not all women are like you and that even if he did learn something from you it won't necessarily apply to the next woman. You had no intent of hurting him -- yeah, well ever hear the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions? He might have understood intellectually that you would never have a lasting relationship -- but the heart plays a lot of tricks on intellect.

 

He's such the type to shell up that i didn't want him to scare off so quickly. I needed to show him what a good thing it was to go out on dates. To experience fun with a woman, who finds him genuinely attractive in all manners. So he can see the good in himself. I knew full well there was no future for us, but with my help, there can be a future for him.

This seems so arrogant! Are you a licensed counselor? Did you believe that there would be no future for him without your help? There will be a woman that will come along in his life and fall in love with him and won't tease him and try to "fix" him. Will he trust her after you? You say you are friends, but you don't want to scare him off. Scare him off of what? YOU needed to show him about dates--why? For his benefit or your own?

 

But unfortunately he's... well it would seem he's dumb. I told him, the only thing i didn't want him to do was go looking for the loveshaq. And that's just what he did. He read all of my posts, most of them at least, but while quizzing him seems like he read em all. So he found out about the MIT guy and the Army guy the wrong way. He seems a bit miffed, but he was no where as miffed as i was.

It doesn't sound to me like he's the dumb one. You told him where NOT to look -- that's like telling someone that you are leaving your diary open on your bed and will be gone for a while -- please don't read it. Most people will look --and this is a public forum. I'm glad he did. That probably taught him more than anything else you 'intended' to teach him-- reading your posts and then listening to you quiz him! Poor guy. Sounds like you hurt him more than anything else. I'm sure that your deception/manipulation will help his trust issues.

 

Hey guy - if you are reading this please don't give up on women or relationships. Just be yourself and follow your own interests and if/when you get hurt - let it go, chalk it up as experience - remember each person is an individual and take the positives from each relationship, and move on.

 

This girl apparently likes you enough to have put some effort - misdirected though it may have been - into getting to know you, and cared enough to try to shield you instead of being upfront with you. Sounds more like she was mothering you than dating you -- hope you don't start feeling like you were dating your mother! You WILL need therapy then! But apparently her caring was honest so take that as a positive and move on.

[moimeme]

He might have understood intellectually that you would never have a lasting relationship -- but the heart plays a lot of tricks on intellect.

 

I think this is a great point and one that needs emphasizing. People think they can say 'don't get involved with me' and that will be all that's needed for the other to not have feelings. We all know that nobody works like that.

In the great words of Blaise Pascal;

The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.

[lostforwords]

vixen i hate to say this... but i too think you may have set him up. Unfortunately for you you most likely lost a good friend...... my concern also is do you honestly think you could have changed this mans esteem or shell he wa sin?. it almost appears as if you were doing him a disservice by getting involved with him in the first place. forgive me if im wrong..... i really havent read much into your plights just breifly here and there..... however.... i cant help but feel the way the othe rposters feel as well...

 

But say la V.

 

its cest la vie.... Good luck hun!!!!

[moimeme]

I needed to show him what a good thing it was to go out on dates. To experience fun with a woman, who finds him genuinely attractive in all manners. So he can see the good in himself. I knew full well there was no future for us, but with my help, there can be a future for him.

 

While it might have been, as Errol points out, a noble if misguided intent, you really need to rethink this particular brand of benevolence. It's one thing to befriend someone, genuinely care for his welfare, and, in your role as friend, support him. It's quite another to assign oneself the task of fixing someone by play-acting at what he might have, if only he changed the way you think he ought.

 

To experience fun with a woman, who finds him genuinely attractive in all manners. So he can see the good in himself.

 

Great - finds him 'genuinely attractive' but not attractive enough to have a long-term relationship with? There's a lesson I'm guessing he'd prefer not to learn; that he's great, but not good enough!!!!

 

You've treated this guy like a 'case'! I have to agree with Errol in thinking that it seems pretty egotistical of you to think you can bestow yourself upon some poor hapless fellow and thereby enhance his wretched life.

 

LostFW:

its cest la vie

 

Well, actually, it's c'est la vie

[lostforwords]

LostFW:

its cest la vie

 

Well, actually, it's c'est la vie

 

ROFL!!! OOPS my bad...... feeling saucy today are we moimeme?!!

[moimeme]

What, me saucy?

[steveb]

I have told my wife that I was bouncing thoughts and asking opinions from a board.

I told her it was very helpful to discuss things both with people with similar and not similar situations.

 

I did not tell her the board's name, and I do not access it from her computer login because I know without a doubt that I have said things that may hurt her feelings.

[wiseOLDman]

Sorry Vixen, I'm with Errol on this one. You fed your lab rat the pellets and led him thru the maze. Can't blame him for jumping over the wall when you put the food on the table and walked away.

[BlockHead]

This whole dating multiple guys thing seems more like one of those stupid reality shows. Who wants to marry a millionare? Something like that. I see you creating some kind of competition between a few guys for your enjoyment, and we LoveShackers are your audience. vixen, I think you are trying to create some kind of drama.

 

vixen

The co-worker i was dating, is a very quiet gentle man, who didn't have much experience in the ways of women.

Translation. He is vulnerable, and he would be putty in my hands.

If you are looking for Don Juan, by all means do so.

vixen

But unfortunately he's... well it would seem he's dumb. I told him, the only thing i didn't want him to do was go looking for the loveshaq. And that's just what he did.

He was smart enough to ditch you. I find myself asking “how quickly could I have weeded you out?” You are an emotional dud, and you need to find better, more productive ways to occupy your time.

vixen

How I've opened the world up to him. But he said he has morals that would get in the way. I laughed and said where were your morals when it came to my privacy.

You are a magician and you let him look up your sleeves. The tricks seem to lose their luster after something like that. Maybe “morals” was just a subtle way of getting rid of you.

vixen

After all of you here on this board are faceless, you have never met me, i can get an opinion and not feel it is biased in any way.

Faceless people seem devoid of humanity. I prefer anonymous.

 

I think your angst and bitterness is a kind of infection, and you are trying to spread it to these guys. You should try to cure it instead.

[InmanRoshi]

I tend to feel that any woman who shows interest in me is either mocking me or feels sorry for me. For this individual, you probably only reinforced that mindset by doing both.

[cdn]

I couldn't belive he spied on me.

I laughed and said where were your morals when it came to my privacy.

Keep in mind that at any moment someone you are talking about can find this page.

He betrayed my trust

 

Um. This is a PUBLIC forum.

[BlockHead]

InmanRoshi

I tend to feel that any woman who shows interest in me is either mocking me or feels sorry for me.

In this case, it is a game.

 

I like to let things play out. I pay close attention to what she says and when she says it, her actions, and her reactions. In other words, I try to use psychology.

If there is hope for a relationship, then it continues.

If she is a cold fish or she tries to mother me, dump her and move on.

If it is a sadistic game, get out as soon as possible, and completely dissociate with her. There are too many wolves in sheep’s clothing.

[jenny]

Originally posted by vixen

*...I was honest from the beginning

 

no, you were not.

 

But unfortunately he's... well it would seem he's dumb.

 

no, he invaded your privacy. which is controlling and intolerable, but dumb is not the adjective i would apply to *him.*

 

He is grateful to me for what I've shown him thus far. How I've opened the world up to him. I feel a bit disappointed in him for doing such a thing i believe was not really in his character.

 

1. my god, you're really very impressed with yourself, hey? well, i suppose we all are. in the future, you might want to limit the "i've opened up the world to you" line to guys who know so little that they would not recognize this as the blatant sad insecure ego-stroking that it is.

 

2. i'm glad you understand that your assessment of one of your ostensible groupie's characters is limited by your insecure conceit.

 

He's on his own once again.

 

thank goodness!

 

 

man, i know in advance that i have grave concerns with people who 'collect' boys in order to buttress their own flailing egos. and i have been unnecessarily rude to you concerning spelling and grammar, for which i apologize and continue to do so.

 

but it bothers me a great deal that you have called your fellow dumb, assumed the position of 'helping' him, and assumed your character is any way more advanced than his is. further, if intellectual snobbery bothers you, please stop referring to the MIT guy by the name of his prestigious school.

 

i have been a friend to guys like this one so many times, and they break my heart. the weird part is that they never think the girl is that hot, educated, or interesting - she was just there, insistent, and seemingly available. but they still get hurt, because the girl has neglected to tell them she is pulling this routine with anything in pants.

 

so, argue me down. tell me why what you are doing is ethical? i'm prepared to be wrong. if not, i don't mind scoundrels and flakes, but at least admit you are being callous and insecure.

[HokeyReligions]

I'm kinda of the opinion of Errol & Jenny, etc. You may have thought you were doing something good for someone else, but it seems like what you were really doing was using him to make yourself feel better. Kind of a "look how much I can help others" attitude. You may not have meant to be that way, or maybe didn't recognize that what you were doing was selfish, but hopefully now you do and can accept his natural human response of looking at LS and not be mad at him -- you may be able to talk with him and find a friendship, but I wouldn't count on it.

[vixen]

It's interesting to read what other people think. I don't feel the need to correct or assert myself either, which is amazing because often i do. But since so many have gotten a great interest in this odd little drama of my life i will complete the story some more.

 

After having confirmed that he would bring my book back, i slept quite peacefully, went to work with no concerns and then he comes walking up to me with my book in hand and i see him and his big baby blue eyes and I'm like, this day is going to suck. And it's true, for him and me. We tried like all hell to completely ignore how we were feeling, It rained as usual, (it always does when I'm sad) and then my best friend called, (she has pneumonia) she said you two need to talk, go out to coffee still. She told me to walk over right after i hung up and tell him so. It was in a no win sitch, she'd mothered me and i was in for it. So i approached him, and we spoke on how we should talk, how it was not doing us any good.

 

I went back to work and when my 15 minute break came round i decided a cigarette would be more helpful then yogurt. (i never ever smoke on my 15) Reasoning that i could hide some cookies out back and snack afterward, i go upstairs and come down with my butt in hand, there he is. I look at him we exchange words, he too is on break, i say come with me to the porch outside so i can smoke this, we go outside. And we discuss. It's not easy for either of us. And a co-worker we trust comes out side. (i find out later he never new she was there) and i said to him. "i want to hit you and i want to kiss you) and he said do you still want to do the latter? and i said "yes" and he said "so what's stopping you?" I said "cameras" he looked round once, smiled at me and said, "nope" Then we were a torrid romance all over the porch. I've never kissed him before. and i suppose he needed it just as much as me because i ended up slammed up against the railing and we were all nuts. and the co-worker was in total shock. Then we break apart and he's like coffee? and I'm like coffee. and he was gone. And i got a second cigarette from the coworker. XD

 

After the porch incident both of us could finally concentrate on work, after we got done being flustered that is. We met up at our cars and he fallowed me to my place, i washed my face blah blah blah, and we went to starbucks. At starbucks we were like normal we talked laughed and also discussed the drama that has been "us" the past few weeks. He said he couldn't stop thinking about me all day, and i said like wise, i said all i could think of is how he was feeling, if he was ok. He said to me that he want's to date, because people come into your life for a reason, and that he loves the way i make him shine. The inner hulk i bring out in him. XD We went and played pool too, he said he wished he never snooped, that how i was planning on telling him would have went over completely reasonable, and he wouldn't have been upset. That it makes sense what I'm doing, and that he's happy to have me in his life. I know this seems one sided I'm writing down all the things he said to me. We talked about how the music selection at work tortured us today. It was so funny at one point that john lennon song "I'm just a jealous guy" was playing and i walked by and stopped and looked at him and he looked at me (and it goes, "i didn't meen to hurt you, i'm sorry that i made you cry") and i kept walking and we were both like, what's up with the fricken music. LOL we talked about that later. It's true like ever song struck a cord for us and made the day so hard to work through. We're just stupid for each other it would seem. and we've decided to give up on the inevitable. He knows about my other 2 guys and i actually told him stuff about them. He was interested, and even touched that i will write my army guy when he leaves. I was happy to see that he understands what dating is about, and that i get to keep him in my life like i want to.

 

We have to be wicked careful at work though, suspicions are everywhere. We have a cover though and we are hoping it will work. With any luck we should be quite fine till i leave the store to work at my mothers.

 

After pool, we went to burger king, did some more talking decided not to be so dumb anymore, on either side, and just discussed the oddness that was our inevitable put together. XD ah well world works in mysterious ways.

 

PS: that is not the tittle of my thread, and i think it's a stupid horrible tittle.

[vixen]

I'm not going to argue anyone down, you are all in titled to your opinions. I don't think you are all necessarily right, or necessarily wrong. It really doesn't matter to me at all what you think because your a faceless person who just doesn't understand what I'm going through. So *shrug* no big deal to me. No skin off my nose. Think of it how ever you will. I'm not going to try and change your mind, because it's already made up, that would be a waste of my time. I know how i feel about who i feel feelings for. I don't have any other nickname for MIT or Army guy, or coworker, I'm just trying to be respectful by not using there real names. I might slip here and there, but i never said i wasn't human. I don't go into that whole pedantic thing. The whole, gotta correct everything someone says. Not my MO. So think what you want to, your in tittle to do so. Seems like you want to bash more then help, but hey maybe you just feel that way. No one here knows me personally, no one here has been through the things i personally have been through, so i expect no one here to know or understand me in such a way as to see how i really am, instead i suppose things look bad, or selfish, or egotistical, what ever the case may be the important thing is i know me, and i can know that i do actions to satisfy my morals, and my guidelines. That's what's important, to me anyway, that i am true to myself, Even if i come across wrong to others, that's not what's important, i should spend 0 percent of my time worrying about what others think, and just spend my whole 100% on living a good and happy life.

[BlockHead]

It rained as usual, (it always does when I'm sad)

Um… What makes you think that the weather is somehow influenced by your emotions?

He said he couldn't stop thinking about me all day, and i said like wise, i said all i could think of is how he was feeling, if he was ok.

He can’t seem to resist his hormones. Some people never learn. There is a sucker born every minute and two to take him.

I was happy to see that he understands what dating is about, and that i get to keep him in my life like i want to.

Is he another possession?

I might slip here and there, but i never said i wasn't human.

People also learn from their mistakes.

That's what's important, to me anyway, that i am true to myself, Even if i come across wrong to others, that's not what's important

What if your actions really are selfish, and harmful?

No one here knows me personally, no one here has been through the things i personally have been through, so i expect no one here to know or understand me in such a way as to see how i really am

It is the same boring thing every time. It doesn’t have an ounce of originality like most mainstream movies. I’ve been played enough times to recognize it.

i should spend 0 percent of my time worrying about what others think, and just spend my whole 100% on living a good and happy life.

I can see that also applies to the guys you are dating.

 

Mr X,

If you are reading this, you should realize that vixen is ( personal attack deleted) Opening you up. Maybe she is domesticating you.

[vixen]

ooh someone is bitter, coarse i don't see why i gave you any reason to hate me, but if you must hate someone it's easy to hate someone you don't know eh? Damaged good, how nice you are. I don't know what bitter bug bit your bum, but honestly is it quite necessary to insult and harass me? I think i will link my coworker to this page, he should see the kind of fleck i deal with. He's a person with feeling, i take that into account, but you don't seem to take into account that i have them too. Strange, what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander. This is so odd, i remember when i was dating Jon, and everyone was like, dump him you deserve better your a sweet kind girl go out and meet more guys, now that I'm doing just that, I'm a bitter damaged goods woman, whose is egotistical and selfish, there's just no pleasing everyone.

 

an excerp from a convo with a friend, i got her permision to put it up.

 

Vixen: so much drama

Vixen: just read things that i said

Vixen: ignore the commetns they thing im horrible

Vixen: sigh

Vixen: (Link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t30593/15-1)http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t30593/15-1

Vixen: page one

Friend: your vixen?

Vixen: mm

Vixen: yup

Friend: damn thats alot of reading

Vixen: sorry

Vixen: but this is why i linked you

Vixen: thats a short summer

Vixen: summery

Vixen: read only what i wrote

Vixen: where you at?

Vixen: they dont seem to like me no more because of this

Vixen: they t hink im a selfish egotistical monster

Vixen: sigh

Friend: it's a public page

Vixen: yeah so no biggie

Vixen: your point?

Vixen: i specificaly asked him not to go to this page

Friend: o

Vixen: he had been doing some snooping befor hand

Vixen: so i knew he was curius

Vixen: so i said dont go to loveshaq it's for my eyes only ok

Vixen: he agreed to it

Friend: than why did you tell him

Vixen: because he was already snooping

Vixen: remember

Vixen: he sent me an email saying hey i found this and this about you online

Friend: well i would have done it too

Vixen: i said ok, well dont go to this page ok

Vixen: sigh human nature

Vixen: but i had his agreement not to

Vixen: that's why i was upset

Friend: i dont think you have a right to be to mad at him after all you were the one keeping secrets

Vixen: delaying a topic is more like it

Vixen: i wanted to tell him face to face in private

Friend: keeping secrets

Vixen: not on the phone or at work

Vixen: i had no good opportunity

Friend: you have to remember people have feelings too

Vixen: i know i know

Vixen: sigh

Vixen: look i couldnt tell him at work or on the phone now could i?

Vixen: so our secound date was my best bet

Vixen: now wasnt it?

Vixen: one more day just 24 hours and i wouldnt care that he went to love shaq

Vixen: but to tell him to stay away get his agree ment on it and have him break that agreement willinging

Vixen: is a betrail of my trust

Vixen: dont you think?

Friend: you should ahve told him from the get go

Vixen: it wasn't appropriat just hen

Friend: in a way you betrayed his trust

Vixen: and it wasnt on my mind either

Friend: so you both equal out

Vixen: yes i do suppose i did

Vixen: in a way

Vixen: yup we're stupid i admit it

Vixen: im dumb he's dumb we've agreed we are both dumb

Vixen: keep reading the post ok

Vixen: it's not done

Friend: ok

Vixen: relationships are trial and error, i treated him like he couldnt handle such a think, i babied him when i suppose it wasn't nessicary, or perhaps i was afraid he wouldnt want to just date, if he knew someone else was invovled and i dindt want to... i dont know loose him but i was completely planning on telling him tuesday

Vixen: because i cant' not be honest, not for long, because that's just not me you know that, but hey i make mistakes too

Vixen: but i appologized for it, and he understood that i was doing it the way i felt it was best to do. I'm only human after all, i approch things delicately when i feel someone might not get it right off

Friend: i dont know what to say

Friend: i mean put yourself in his shoes

Vixen: keep reading

Vixen: your not done

Vixen: just keep reading

Friend: you put him up to it by telling him the name of the sight

Friend: i would

Friend: i would want to know what the big deal was about

Vixen: yes i get that i baited him can we drop that now and go on to the rest of the story

Friend: and i'd be big timed pissed off by finding out what he did

Vixen: sheesh make one mistake and never live it down

Vixen: oi

Vixen: he was going to find it out in 24 hours, all he had to do was trust in me

Vixen: i've done nothing but trust in him, and he lied and snooped

Vixen: the lie i cant exlpain it's personal

Vixen: but he did lie

Vixen: now read the rest of the story please

Friend: ok lets drop it because we have definatle got diffrent views on this one sister

Friend: i am

Vixen: oi it's not diffretn view i agree but i cant change what happend so no use badgering me about it

Friend: i'm not

Vixen: i was wrong i'm not going to say sorry again

Vixen: oi

Vixen: *hugs* i know you mean well

Vixen: but there are 12 complete strangers on that board beating me up on my bad decition

Vixen: i dont nead one of my sisters doing it too

 

sorry for the nasty spelling. XD