Rebound, Break, Love, External Forces @#*!@%

[jsd43953]

Hello all. I am new to this and this heart broken thing is too. I found this site so I am hoping venting will provide some solice. Here is my story:

 

About 4 months ago me and my uncle's wife daughter started to talk (she's not blood so its quite different). We've know each other for years but never really had too much of a relationship outside of the obvious crush we had on one another..but not much communication. Anyway 4 months ago I saw her on facebook and just sent a message and we began to talk. This is when I found out that she was going through a break up with a guy who she has been with for 2 years (minus the 6 months he was in jail; but she kept phone contact). They lived together, she has two kids that are not his, but they call him Dad. However for the two years they were together he was a live in, sit on the couch play vide games type , not working or helping pay bills dude.

 

He was still living with her once during the time we were in contact but that was dissolving rapidly and her I began communicating more and more..hours at a time on the phone all day texting etc. As her relationship was falling apart and she ended up kicking him out she turned to me to come to her place because she was scared he might try to break in or whatever. Well the first time i came over she introduced me to her kids as their cousin (neither one of us expected the upcoming events). It was a cool weekend, but some how me and her ended up having sex. This ultimately changed things. We were like we are not going to catch feelings etc, but then that backfired.

 

So a few family gatherings come and go and she is still introducing me to her family as a cousin, but there are stronger feelings now. I have now been at her house for a few weeks looking for a job (actually found one while out there). During the week her kids are at her grandmas so it is just me and her at her house. Sparks begin flying. its clear she loves me but I know she is not over her ex and I ask her about being a rebound.. And she said if you were a rebound we would just have sex and i would send you home, rather than have you stay with me. I like you being here and for all that you do for me to show me you care.

 

Side notes: The first time we had sex we kissed for about 2 hours; she aknowledged she never kissed anyone that long.. she also was shaking and all that before we even started intercourse..I was making love to her which i have never done. I would massage her back when should would ask cause I knew it would hurt. Id wake up in the morning to make sure she had breakfast before work and make sure she had dinner made and a clean house when she got home (this was before I started working). As this goes on one day she ask me if I want to make it official and be her boyfriend. So in essence everything was cool. She also told me she never told anyone she loved them first; she told me she loved me first. She said she didnt want any more kids; she said she wants one with me and even wants to marry me and we began talking about that alot. This is even stuff she told her friends and her mother.

 

Now what happens is events occur where now the kids are home everyday with her. This is not a problem with me; I am not working and going into this i realized that if i was going to love her I had to love the kids the same so I took the daddy role. Continued to wake up in the morning get myself ready for work, wake her up to get ready, cook breakfast for her, the kids and myself.. set off for work, come home clean, cook dinner, give the kids a bath and ready for bed and so forth. Just giving you an idea. Nothing seemed out fo the ordinary, but sometimes things arent always what they seem I suppose

 

So fast forward through the honeymoon stages..(well thats bad terminology because it was no honeymoon stage since we were not declining feelings only incling and building on them). Anyway we decide that it is a good idea to tell her kids (ages 2 and 4) that we are not cousins but "friends". Unfortunately, the 4 year old did not understand as he was always questioning why mommy was sleping with her cousin; needless to say that was stressing to her emotionally. Secondly her family; on her fathers side had a lot of negative stuff to say about it as well, but she blew it off. However since the son is always at the grandmas this is stuff that he has to hear and he brings that home, b/c we were saying one thing to him and then he hears this.

 

Again the kids are home everyday with her. Neither of us had a car. But out of the blue her comes mr ex dude.. with a brand new car and stacks of money throwing around. The same guy who watched her struggle for two years.. never bought the kids anything but now is buying her clothes, the kids clother, picking them up in the morning for work and babysitter and bringing them home. She tells me that she feels as if he didnt do anything while they were together and now wants to come around buying stuff and she aint got to do nothing for it that she is going to take advantage. Sounds f'd up but i can't blame her a woman scorned to a degree.

 

So her we are having several nights of just communicating how her son being confused is stressing her, how her family saying stuff is stressing her. How she loves both him and I and it not fair so she'd rather be alone. That she does mean everything we talked about that just right now, as in she feels we need to take a step back in order to move forward. So of course I am heart broken I pack my things and leave the next day. but before I leave she tells me I didnt tell you that you have to leave, just said that we could not do what we've been doing.

 

The day I leave she texts me asking am I okay.. of course I am not and she just replies I am sorry for hurting you, whatelse do you want me to do. I leave it at that. A few days later I get a text since I did not say anything since saying morning. How come you dont text me anymore? I replied just been busy with work. She then says i cant keep her up all night :* (mind you this is something she would say when we would be having sex or about to at night). So I said funny, you don't miss me enough for that. She then said i do, but this is the best for now. I agreed and that was it. It has been now 9 days since I have heard from her and I am struggling to not contact her. If you have read my F'd up situation and have some words of encourgement Id appreciate it.

 

 

p.s. this is the only girl who i can ever say i have met who's heart beats the same rhythm as mine. I do not believe in coincidence. If a female is a mans rib then my thought is that you know the 'one" when you beat the same rhythm..

[Teuen101]

I can't reply to everything you said but some stuff screams at me.

 

She is a broken person you need to get away from her, if she wanted you she would be with you, she is telling you that she don't want to be with anyone to not hurt your feelings. while at the same time she is with her ex

 

She is telling you in her own way for example:

The day I leave she texts me asking am I okay.. of course I am not and she just replies I am sorry for hurting you, whatelse do you want me to do.

 

See the sorry for hurting you ? thats her saying your going to be hurt and I just hurt you.

 

You can't save her she can only save her self. I'm dealing with trying to save some one too and it will never work. I've given up, I can't be captain save a Ho, besides they wont listen, her mind is made up. they must travel there own trail of tears.

 

You left with class, do not contact her she has made up her mind and is going with her plan. don't feel sorry for her, it's her choice, the only thing she feels bad about is hurting you. but it isn't bad enough to love you.

 

see the problem ? just keep on going, like i said you left with class, I didn't and I feel bad about it. I said things I wish i'd never said, But it really don't matter what you say, nothing will change this and her mind is made up.

 

stay strong and stay NC

Edited November 11, 2011 by Teuen101

[Lemon Drop]

jsd,

 

Read your coping journal and am really impressed at your self control.

 

Here's what I think... she's with him, and at first everything seems great. Flowers and bunnies and baths and ice cream. Now it's 2 weeks later and she's starting to see the cracks and wondering if she made a mistake. So she sends out a trial balloon text to you. If you jump on it, she knows you are still pining for her and if it all blows up with the guy, you will come running back and start taking care of her again.

 

First, it's great you are taking care of yourself. Keep that up. Second, there are a lot of red flags here, which if you went back would make for a life filled with ups and downs. When we invest in this kind of relationship, we have to justify the bad times by making the good ones extra good. Just remember how you have felt during the breakup and ask yourself if that's how you want to feel off and on for a long time. Plus you could get attached to her kids and have them yanked away from you and visa versa.

 

Put yourself first and keep up the good work in taking care of yourself. You can't build a skyscraper on quicksand, the foundation has to be strong.

 

PS... Be careful... this is when you are vulnerable to those happy chemicals and someone could get "accidentally" pregnant.

Edited November 14, 2011 by Lemon Drop

[jsd43953]

jsd,

 

Read your coping journal and am really impressed at your self control.

 

Here's what I think... she's with him, and at first everything seems great. Flowers and bunnies and baths and ice cream. Now it's 2 weeks later and she's starting to see the cracks and wondering if she made a mistake. So she sends out a trial balloon text to you. If you jump on it, she knows you are still pining for her and if it all blows up with the guy, you will come running back and start taking care of her again.

 

First, it's great you are taking care of yourself. Keep that up. Second, there are a lot of red flags here, which if you went back would make for a life filled with ups and downs. When we invest in this kind of relationship, we have to justify the bad times by making the good ones extra good. Just remember how you have felt during the breakup and ask yourself if that's how you want to feel off and on for a long time. Plus you could get attached to her kids and have them yanked away from you and visa versa.

 

Put yourself first and keep up the good work in taking care of yourself. You can't build a skyscraper on quicksand, the foundation has to be strong.

 

PS... Be careful... this is when you are vulnerable to those happy chemicals and someone could get "accidentally" pregnant.

 

 

LemonDrop,

 

Once again you seem to be hitting the nail right on the head. When I got the text I was like wow she texted me. I was extatic and was ready to respond right away. But again I waited three hours before I responded and it seemed like before I could sit my phone down she responded?

 

Me: how r the boys

Her: They r good

Me: Glad u all r well. Thanks for the text

Her: Sure. I text u hours ago

Me: My bad. nice to hear from you though

Her: U too

 

I know I stated this in the coping jornal but it is weird. Not wrecking my breain to figure it out but doesnt seem like to much of a happy vibe on her end. One could only assume right. How do you think my reaction to her is making her feel, think?