locamia Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Ugghh..where to start. I need some advice. H and I have had an ongoing issue for 7 months now and it has spiraled out of control and I dont know where to go from here. We've been together 12 years, married 10, 3 kids. Have always considered eachother soulmates, very compatible, we just understand eachother and to this day feel like giddy school kids sometimes. Don't like being apart. Great communication. Been through having kids young, losing job/no money, bombshell of having twins, and it never affected our relationship. Cant think of a single issue we've ever had until this one. I think it mostly stemmed from him suddenly having hard time getting it up and sometimes losing erections during sex. One of those things you try not to take personally but struggle to not. Around this time I had, after years of wanting to, decided to have my boobs fixed..3 kids left me with cow utters . It was actually while I was out at a consult with surgeon that I stopped home afterward unexpectedly and found my H on computer jerking off to porn, always known he did, but this time I offered to finish him off and he awkwardly declined. Understandable. Again by itself not a big deal but all of these events started to coincide and get the wheels turning in my head. Then I noticed on a very popular porn site that these days a 2nd window automatically pops up on its own of live women performing for the camera and you could chat with them. It got me wondering if this is something he would ever take part in or if he would know better. So this is where I peeked at his porn history. I know I shouldnt have but in the back of my mind I wondered if the 'overstimulation' of porn was contributing to the erection problems. With the exception of some *cringe* teen sites, it was all normal stuff. However it did seem to be a little 'taken too far' because he had files with hundreds of pics/videos saved. Also on evenings we were all out, the porn sessions went on for over 2 hrs and there was some evidence of him maybe fibbing about what time he got home from work, etc so I wouldnt think he spent such long periods of time doing this. He calls these sessions 'stamina training' . On one day he even 'stopped home for 45 min', which was actually 1 1/2 hrs on porn sites, and literally the boots were taken off at the computer and the cat food bowl was empty..nothing in the house was touched except that keyboard lol. What also got me is I guess I always assumed he looked at videos of people having sex. And he did, but I found it was more thumbnail sites of just naked women. For some reason this struck a nerve with me because for me looking at porn, its the act of sex that gets me excited. For him it seemed to be just the women themselves. I guess this made me feel a little insecure. At this point I brought it upto him but more just to get an understanding of it so I wouldnt take it personally. We had many conversations about it that lasted hours. Even though I know its not why, I even questioned whether I finally went ahead with breast surgery to live upto these porn stars. But I still never put limits on him. Ever. He said that because it bothered me he would only look at sex vids and not solo until I got things worked out in my head and we both felt more comfortable with it. This is where the problem started. I told him right away if you slip up its no big deal but if you hide it/lie to me it will become a bigger issue. He didnt take my advice. First I found him back on the thumbnail sites. He said basically found a loophole(but later admitted to making one up) and said he thought it was ok because it wasnt videos it was only pictures. Ok not huge deal..back on track. Then the night before he was leaving for a training seminar for few days, I saw that the CD drive had been accessed. That night I found 2 CDs FULL of porn in his backpack for the trip. To this day he swears he 'came across them', looked to see what was on them, and then didnt want to just throw them in the trash where I would find them so he planned to dispose of them on the trip. And yes his laptop was packed to go too. Umm..ever hear of a plastic bag? A hammer maybe? 'Ok still, we can get through this.' He broke them into pieces the day I confronted him. A few more weeks of him being a good boy. So I thought. I start to let my guard down. Not really checking up. Then he goes away again for another seminar. While away we start getting dirty on the phone a few nights in and end up sending pix/videos back and forth to eachother of ourselves masturbating. Then do the same the following night. The night he got home I decided to look at his laptop. Guess what. Not only had he been looking at solo porn and thumbnail sites for OVER A MONTH on his LAPTOP(which I hadnt been checking), and while at work, but he was saving porn to a removable flash drive. AND the 1st night that we were supposedly masturbating to eachother, he was actually on his laptop that entire time looking at porn while texting me. He literally logged off 2 min after he sent the video of him cumming. Granted its not like we had webcams so there was some downtime but STILL. Really? How the f**k am I not supposed to take this s**t personally now?! Oh and by the way, at one point during this month he was doing this, he actually brought it up TO ME, without my asking him, that he had not looked at any solo stuff. So not only did he lie to me, but he did it without me even asking. This crap really got me. But I never grilled him without a reason to and never made him feel ashamed. And although I was very upset I never kicked him out, never smashed his laptop, never cut him off lol..all things I wanted to do but didnt. We mutually decided no porn after this. He officially completely took advantage of the situation and now had to prove a point to me. Now another few weeks of him being good but at this point I'm afraid to leave him alone because I know he will probably be upto no good and I cant bear to be let down again. When I do leave, there was supposed to be 10 min between the time I left and the time he was going to take a nap for an overnight shift that night. In that 10 min a stack of porn mags fell into his hands. HE brought up to ME when I woke him up that night that he didnt look at anything and even thought about texting me to tell me he was being good. Then I found out about the mags. I confronted him next day and he completely denied to no end that he looked at anything. I kept on him a little and he finally tells me he, for some reason of which he has no explanation lol, it occurred to him that there was still that stack of mags laying around (I refused to be a nazi about it and go around the house collecting all the porn and he never made any effort to do this either). He said he grabbed them down with the intention of throwing them out, then realized he was naked lol and he would do it later. He said he glanced at a few pages of one mag then put them back. Does he honestly believe this s**t in his own head? Does he think this s**t would be a believable explanation to anyone? I literally had to repeat 15 times 'did u not look at porn?' before he said yes. My intention wasnt to make him feel like s**t, but just to get him to f**king admit it! It was almost hard to watch. He clung so hard to 'it did come across my eyes yes but I did not look at it.' WTF does that mean? So now here we are and I find myself now questioning EVERYTHING and believing little. I do not tell him this but he knows it. It is on my mind day and night. It has very little to do with the porn now. I question whether he ever was the honest, trustworthy man of integrity I always thought him to be or has he ALWAYS been a liar I just never knew it because he had never been put to the test. I'm trying to get through to him that his lying is causing major problems and figure out ways to convince myself that he is still an honest person. I even thought maybe if he just tells me something, anything, that he's never told me it would show me that he's man enough to come clean for once. Well last night he told me that a few years ago when he said he went to a bar with my sisters' ex, he actually went to a strip club. Oops that was supposed to make me feel better, not worse.%% Even when I try to say we should just go back to the way it was all these years and I just hafta come to terms with it, he refuses. Its like he wants to prove to me and himself that he is in control of himself but just cant follow through. I never intended it to come to this. I guess because over the years honesty has always been one of his best attributes and he has even taught me to be more 'tell it like it is, no BS' so I figured he'd stop some but not all porn for a bit, everything would blow over and then be back to normal. I pride myself on not being a controlling, overbearing wife and I feel like I have been made an ass of. And its not like I'm so insecure I never let him look at porn. He's looked at it all these years without a question asked. I guess until we sorted out the erection issues I just needed him to come through for me when I needed him until we worked it out and he failed. I dont know how to make it better now. I'm so sorry this reads like a book I'm just looking for opinions and advice on the situation. I am so grateful to anyone who reads this and even more so if you could take the time to give me your thougths or any advice to help us move forward. TIA Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Sounds like it is time to back WAY up and start learning about his feelings about porn. He knows how you feel about it. Do you know how he REALLY feels about it? The lying is horrible, and you guys are in a bad spot right now (broken trust). I think the first step needs to be to remove the need for him to hide and lie, and for him to communicate to you what role porn plays in his life. What limits does he have for himself, if any? What is "over the line" in his mind? What needs does this meet for him? Does he feel in control of his porn use, or controlled by it? Stuff like that needs to be discussed. Keep an attitude that his point of view on this subject is just as important as yours, and try to understand each other enough that he can be who he is without lying. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Yep, it's an addiction and it will get worse unless he is willing to accept that he has a problem. I personally don't understand the obsession with porn since I get bored pretty quickly with it. However, you are right in thinking this is a problem for your M. Can you go to MC? Maybe he should speak to a professional. At home, you have to ask him the questions xxoo put down and research this subject some more. Link to post Share on other sites
Appleanche Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Been through this with my ex. It's a rotten place to be and I feel truly bad for you. I know exactly how you feel - from this consuming your thoughts to not wanting to leave him alone. It's awful. Fortunately I am not married anymore and not longer have to put up with his deceit, but had he not cheated on me I might still be struggling with it. I'm not completely out of the woods though because my current bf is an avid porn-watcher as well. Although we don't have the same problems my ex and I had, I still am bothered by his use. Like you, sometimes we have some sex issues as well: he will struggle to cum with me if he's masturbated to porn earlier that day.. or even the night before. So I hear ya - I know how this problem feels. My biggest fear is that over time he will grow less attracted to me as his sexual partner and turn more to porn - it's just easy and way too readily available. My take on porn: it's not going anywhere and men aren't going to give it up. They may tell us what we want to hear and then when we leave them alone they'll surf the internet and jack-off to their hearts content. We have to just accept that this is the way it is and if we don't like it then we have to find another man who "doesn't watch porn" (if there are any out there). Link to post Share on other sites
speedster Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Make your own for him. Or really both of you. It can be very exciting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author locamia Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Well its not really worth questioning any of this anymore because the situation has changed. In an effort to get him to own up to all the lies about porn and come clean about everything (still thinking porn was the extent of it), he confessed to me last night an 8 year history of lying, strip clubs, and CHEATING. Stupid bastard. Please see this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t307833/ Link to post Share on other sites
LoveTKO Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 You mentioned in your post that you found evidence of teen sites?? Are these adult women (18+) made to look like teens, or are these actual teens? If the latter is the case, don't take that lightly because your husband could be spending time in prison for a very long time if your hard drive contains evidence of pornographic material depicting people under the age of 18. Porn addiction is a serious matter, with some individuals resorting to a new type of high or thrill in order to get a fix. It sometimes involves dabbling in underage porn. Addicts often go to peer-to-peer sites in order to download teen porn, but most of these sites have been infiltrated and are being monitored by law enforcement agencies. Keep an eye on him... Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 I pride myself on not being a controlling, overbearing wife and I feel like I have been You'll draw no arguments on that note Were there a significant offense of your husband's cited in that entire prose, then we'd all be up in arms, but most of the offenses you've gone over are yours and yours alone. The worst part is that you're just doing it all to yourself... Link to post Share on other sites
sailorwoman Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Hi There, Sounds like he is addicted. I just discovered my fiance was a heavy porn user. I've been doing some research on porn addiction and have found the below websites to be helpful in understanding. Some scientists have compared porn to being as addicting as heroin. What happens is porn causes huge surges of dopamine in the brain. Because the surges of dopamine are abnormally high, the brain compensates by reducing its amount of dopamine receptors so that less dopamine can be absorbed by the brain. This causes the addicts brain to constantly have a low dopamine level whenever they are not using. So the addict views the porn again and again to feel the pleasure/relief of more dopamine. The more they view the porn (self induce abnormally high dopamine surges), the more the brain compensates by reducing the dopamine receptors. The less dopamine receptors one has, the less dopamine their brain can absorb, regardless of how high of a dopamine surge the addict gives theirself via porn, and a larger and larger dopamine surge is required to get them excited. The addict finds the only way they can get that larger and larger dopamine surge is to view more and more novel/shocking images. Its a deadly cycle. As the cycle continues they eventually start having difficulty orgasming, ED,. Porn also causes changes in the frontal lobe of the brain. The changes cause one to become impulsive, fail to consider consequences, moody, etc. The articles below explain it better. Porn's physical effect on the brain: http://www.salvomag.com/new/articles/salvo13/13hilton.php http://yourbrainonporn.com/ Symptoms of a sex/porn addiction: http://www.sexualcontrol.com/is-he-sexually-addicted.html Link to post Share on other sites
Author locamia Posted December 10, 2011 Author Share Posted December 10, 2011 You'll draw no arguments on that note Were there a significant offense of your husband's cited in that entire prose, then we'd all be up in arms, but most of the offenses you've gone over are yours and yours alone. The worst part is that you're just doing it all to yourself... I dont think you are understanding, and I definitely dont think you read my last post in this thread. I was not a controlling, overbearing wife UNTIL I HAD REASON TO BE. This would naturally be when my 30 year old husband is losing erections possibly from too much porn use. And if you read my last post about just finding out that he has been CHEATING on me throughout our entire marriage, maybe you would agree that I wasnt overbearing enough. I dont see how either of these things are my offenses. Hi There, Sounds like he is addicted. I just discovered my fiance was a heavy porn user. I've been doing some research on porn addiction and have found the below websites to be helpful in understanding. Some scientists have compared porn to being as addicting as heroin. What happens is porn causes huge surges of dopamine in the brain. Because the surges of dopamine are abnormally high, the brain compensates by reducing its amount of dopamine receptors so that less dopamine can be absorbed by the brain. This causes the addicts brain to constantly have a low dopamine level whenever they are not using. So the addict views the porn again and again to feel the pleasure/relief of more dopamine. The more they view the porn (self induce abnormally high dopamine surges), the more the brain compensates by reducing the dopamine receptors. The less dopamine receptors one has, the less dopamine their brain can absorb, regardless of how high of a dopamine surge the addict gives theirself via porn, and a larger and larger dopamine surge is required to get them excited. The addict finds the only way they can get that larger and larger dopamine surge is to view more and more novel/shocking images. Its a deadly cycle. As the cycle continues they eventually start having difficulty orgasming, ED,. Porn also causes changes in the frontal lobe of the brain. The changes cause one to become impulsive, fail to consider consequences, moody, etc. The articles below explain it better. Porn's physical effect on the brain: http://www.salvomag.com/new/articles/salvo13/13hilton.php http://yourbrainonporn.com/ Symptoms of a sex/porn addiction: http://www.sexualcontrol.com/is-he-sexually-addicted.html Thanks so much for this I had heard how porn can have a chemical effect on your brain but never understood how. Some great info:) Link to post Share on other sites
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