A Greater understandng of GIGS.....

[smokey bear]

If posted this in the second chances, because those on the receiving end of GIGS really wouldnt give a second chance unless they unstood and accepted what the GIGS victim was going through.

 

Wilson, Please don't hammer me on this one.

 

It will be a compilation of posts so please bear with me, and some of it has already been covered, im just looking to go a bit deeper or resolve some un answered question.

 

What is GIGS?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/

 

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=265952

 

 

GIGS is also very closely related to Egocentrism, google it.

 

Someone with GIGs may show signs of Psychological Defense Mechanisms. Google it too.

 

Someone with GIGS is just as confused as you are, it is something they experience within themselves and it is not a reflection of the Dumpee.

[smokey bear]

Does someone with GIGS experience the same stages of grief after the break u as we do, Yes but not in the same way as we do.

 

Denial:

 

It’s the stage of not being able to really admit to yourself what is going on.

 

Dumpee: It’s that period when you’ve stopped talking but in your mind you’re hoping that he or she will call and it will eventually get resolved.

 

GIGS Victim: Its the period where everyone surrounding tells them what they are doing is crazy, but they believe its the best thing to do in their life right now that will make them happy.

 

Shadowing Egocentricism, their life has been somewhat boring for a while, something or someone new and shiny comes alone and they chase it while everyone tells them its not better or won't make them happy. They believe it does and is the holy grail to their unfulfilledness. Denial!

 

Anger:

 

Dumpee: You’ll definitely be angry at your partner for not doing whatever you wanted him or her to do to make things right. You’ll probably be angry at yourself for your own mistakes in the relationship.

 

GIGS Victim: Anger at those who think their new choice in life and actions are not for the best, anger at the dumpee for trying to get them back and not to follow through with this new life that is giving them so much joy.

 

Bargaining:Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises.

 

Dumpee: It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end.

 

GIGS Victim: They are now at the stage of the fog starting to lift, this is when they may try to start coming back to you, but is only a half assed attempt. They are starting to see how good you and the previous life was. It’s when they start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility, reaching out for sex, friendship. ego boosts etc.

They try and mix the good points of both life together. They don't want the new life fully but can't let go of the old one. They are bargaining with themselves.

 

Depression: After all of the denial and the anger and the bargaining have been done and we realize that things really are starting to end, we become depressed.

 

Dumpee: We need to cry. To deal with loss, we have to feel the terrible pangs of sadness that come along with that loss.

 

GIGS Victim: They see their new life for what it really is, the fog has now almost completely lifted, They realise that what was causing them to be unfullfilled before comes from within themselves, not the dumpee or the life they lead before.

 

People suffering GIGS tend to be people who are not happy within them selves and do not have the emotional maturity yet to see that it is a problem with them rather than the people and things around them.

 

Acceptance:

 

Dumpee: You will think of your ex or even run into him or be friends with her again and you will no longer feel angry or sad. You will no longer be trying to fix things or wishing that things were different or trying to get back what you once had or blaming the other person for things going wrong.

 

GIGS Victim: They accept their new life was not what they wanted, they ditch the new friends and new life. they repair damaged relationships with family etc, get a job again etc and plan a new life for themselves.they now know what they want and what made them happy and unhappy. They make steps to build their new life.

 

 

 

The GIGS victim through out all this does not deal with the relationship that ended before. Their grieving stages are reflected on theirselves not the past relationship (Egoncentic). It is only now that they have dealt with the death of the old them that the death of the realtionship hits them.

 

After all this, now is only the time that they will start to deal with the break up and go the break up grief stages.

 

If your relationship was good before the gigs and you had a strong bond etc and love the Gigs victims will start to reach out around the bargaining stage, do not accept them at this stage, wait until acceptance and complete removal of the old life, at which point the dumper should be able to come back in a calm manner, not the panic stage of the depression.

[smokey bear]

I think it could be possible if the dumpee spotted the signs early and managed to get the dumper to see that the problems of unhappyness are within themselves and not within the relationship.

 

But i think that a large population have to learn this mistake themselves, alone.

 

All you can do is accept it, understand what they are going through and step out of there life.

 

If you want reconciliation accept that it will take a long time and they still might not come back to you, focus on improving yourself and getting over it. I suggest going nc to heal and then when you are and FULLY healed continue to lc, but accept what they are doing and don't rush or pressure them, i believe you will be rewarded greatly.

 

I believe those who suffer GIGS and come back after will be able to offer a very nurishing and fulfilling relationship in the future.

[smokey bear]

I only just found this post today and my heart goes out to Homebrew because i feel exactly how he does.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t273045/

 

 

Dumpers of GIGS live with their decision and mistake for a long time. When they choose to come back i believe its after some deep consideration and a full commitment to make it up to the dumpee. Unconditional Love.

 

The chance of reconcilliation is high but the chance of successful recons are low, because the dumpee has moved on, experienced too much pain etc.

[smokey bear]

I believe they work the same as a rebound, True feelings can not be formed with the next partner because they have not dealt with the previous break up.

 

They will be comparing you to the GIGS guy/girl

 

They will miss you, but will be too absorbed in the Gigs lifestyle.

 

They will know they love you, but are numbed by their new life.

 

They will suppress their emotions and it tends to hit them like a ton of bricks when the GIGs ends.

 

This only applies if they jump straight into something new. If there was a period of singleness it doesnt apply.

 

Going through Gigs they will date other people and enter new relationships.

 

A lot of people can't deal with this, go and date yourself and remember it didnt bother you that they had slept with others before meeting you, so whats the difference while your apart. You are not in a relationship it shouldnt make you feel different. you have to look at a recon as a new start, a stanger, because they will be. They have grew emotionally and you will have to get to know them again and forget the past.

[stunned8165]

Wow. Nice post. You just decribed my ex to a tee including leaving for someone else which was her boss. And I have a post here about what has been happeneing recently. Whats your thoughts on it? Please read

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t305747/

[smokey bear]

Whatever your partner did, it certainly did not come from nowhere. Our partners always make sense. Their behavior made sense. We were surprised. We didn’t see it coming, because we were not informed. We were blind to what was going on in them. We call it “odd” or “out of the blue” just cuz it surprises us. The phrase “out of the blue” seems to signal the “blindness” of the person using the phrase

 

Reading the Tea Leaves

Gosh this seems so simple. Look down into that cup of tea at those leaves! They are telling you something. Look into what ever your partner does or says, he/she is telling you something. Don’t ignore it

 

Think back to the break up, before it.

 

They will have mentioned what causes the split, for GIGS something along the lines of wanting to experience lfe and see what else is out there.

 

"Don't know what i want in life", was there a big commitment or life changng event due, marriage around them, friends splitting up and leading the party life etc.

 

 

Further down the road when you come back in lc, listen to them. To what they say. They are telling you what they want and what stage they are at.

 

Just listen.

 

 

How long does it last?

 

Some say years

 

Thngs that could influence it?

 

I think the closer to the age 25 the shorter it lasts.

 

Someone at 21 may experience GIGs until their 25, i do think the age 25 has a lot to do with it.

 

For me i was 24 and my GIGs ceased 2 months before my 25 birthday, im female.

 

For homebrew he was 24.

 

I think it can happen even when your 25 for some.

 

I think younger you are the longer it lasts.

 

Emotional maturity plays a part too.

 

Also how successful your life was before. I think someone unemployed it would last longer than someone who was very well established in their career and could affect it by their GIGS actions.

 

Responsiblilites as well, Someone with children, car repayments, mortgage etc will come out it quicker than someone living with the parents, no job, no assets.

 

Just my opinions.

[NordicStripes]

Describes my ex perfectly. Only thing is, he's wanting to do everything to get me back, but I just can't get over the fact that he slept with someone else immediately after the breakup. He also did all the things with her that I wanted him to do with me but he wouldn't, like taking her out etc... And she was someone he told me not to worry about while we were still together. Because she's butt-ugly and has a horrible attitude. Guess he didn't care too much about those things when he found out he could sleep with her so easily...

[smokey bear]

Getting over him sleeping with someone, go do it yourself. Tends to help the mind come to terms with it.

 

I will warn you to be very wise if you do want to get back together as he may just give up if you keep pushing him away.

 

 

How long have you been apart?

[NordicStripes]

I have thought about sleeping with someone else actually. But then I think I might feel even worse as it goes against everything I stand for to sleep with someone just for the sake of it :-s

 

We broke up the end of July, he then immediately slept with his colleague (about 5 times), then saw me again, wanted me back. I didn't want to just take him back, and I moved to another country. I moved two months ago. Two weeks ago he moved here as well, and as he doesn't have the funds to rent a separate room, we are sharing my room now. Which is no good, because I feel like I don't have any space to think. But I know he ca't afford to rent his own room, and financially, sharing a room is better for me too...

 

It's a horrible situation.

 

He's trying so so hard and I do believe I'm the only one he wants, but I can't get over the sleeping with his colleague thing. And I can't go and sleep with someone else, not because of my values but not because I'm sharing a room with him either

[smokey bear]

@ NORDICSTRIPES

 

If you can't accept and understand what he went through then it won't work again in the future.

 

You havent worked on yourself enough and won't while he's still in your space.

 

 

A warning for short lived GIGS,

 

For those that just dip a toe in the water i would be very catious.

 

They jump ship and sleep around and come back quickly.

 

I do believe these people will leave in again in the future for a case of full blown gigs, so just beware.

 

Best advice, tell them to go and adventure some more, while you do too and after a few more experiences of the other sex and they still want you back, go for it then.

 

I don't think its enough, i think they need to fully experience a new relationship or they will leave again in the future.

 

The lesson has to be fully learned and truly leave a dent on their soul.

[NordicStripes]

Thanks for your reply Smokey Bear!

The thing is... if he needs to sleep around an have another relationship to realize it's me he wants... well, I don't want to be with that kind of person :-(

 

But I do still have strong feelings for him...

[smokey bear]

"The thing is... if he needs to sleep around an have another relationship to realize it's me he wants... well, I don't want to be with that kind of person :-("

 

 

Well you shouldnt be with him then, because he has already done that.

 

You've answered your own question.

[smokey bear]

Describes my ex perfectly. He also did all the things with her that I wanted him to do with me but he wouldn't, like taking her out etc... And she was someone he told me not to worry about while we were still together. Because she's butt-ugly and has a horrible attitude. Guess he didn't care too much about those things when he found out he could sleep with her so easily...

 

 

 

Very common.

 

1 They choose someone not suitable, Highlighting they were not yet emotionally stable enough to make a good judgement.

 

They haven't dealt with the past relationship

 

 

2. They do the things in the new reltionship that would have saved the old one.

 

This i think is very important.

 

It shows they are learning from this experience, but once they fix these things in the new relationship, other problems also have to be dealt with that werent there in the old relatonship. New people mean new problems. If you spent a long time with your ex, there has been years of effort already put into adapting to the slly things.

 

The deal breakers that split the old relationship will be the main focus of the new relationship. Once these have been solved there is still the long harrowing process of getting to know someone and getting comfortable.

 

When they fix these problems they will look apon the old relationship and see that now, it can be perfect and everything they want to make to them happy.

 

Most who have came out of a long relationship will go back to the comfort rather than starting fresh, it is now that the old comfortable relationship looks good.

 

Starting fresh can really discourage a long termer. especially at the end of a GIGS guy/girl.

 

Their frame of mind is they left for what they thought was the greatest thing ever, it wasnt, so now they are feeling that low of that.

 

The failure, To try and do it again is daunting for someone at a low.

 

Don't know if that one made sense as much but i did try to explain it as best as i could.

[smokey bear]

Thanks Wilson for finding homebrews thread

 

 

Since G.I.G.S. (grass is greener syndrome) takes YEARS and looking at it from a big picture point of view... These all are kind of the same and your Ex will not miss a phase, if they do... they aren't ready.

 

Phase 1 - The 180 and experiencing the world

 

They make new "friends" and go out and experience the world. This could be going out, new hobbies, drugs,

drinking, partying, changing their appearance, try new things and even do things they hated or swore they would never do while dating you. etc.

 

Phase 2 - Soting their oats

 

Your Ex is going to date around and enter into several short / long term relationships.

 

Phase 3 - Pain is life's greatest teacher!

 

This is when your Ex starts to experience the consequences of their actions, behavior, decisions, etc. This can all hit at once (hitting bottom) or take several

years for it to have it's much needed effect on your Ex. Your Ex is one that has to learn the hard way!

 

Examples:

 

Losing jobs, getting their heartbroken by their bad choices in people they date, screwed over by their good time "friends", arrested, major drama, etc.

 

In my Ex's case, it all hit at once. I have had others that it took several big things through a period of time to hit before they suffered for it.

 

Several notes here:

 

Note 1: Some Ex's suffer consequences that are beyond repair. Some get knocked up by losers, alcoholism, drug addictions, ruin their careers, drop out of school, get

arrested, get so screwed up by the losers they date they never heal, etc.

 

Note 2: You usually start to hear from the Ex around this time. NOTE: They are not wanting you back!

 

Note 3: Your Ex will more than likely repeat or continue to make the same mistakes again and again before moving onto Phase 4.

 

Note 4: This is hard... even my Ex fooled me by coming back near the end of this phase. I took her back for a week earlier this year (well over a year after our break up) and

quickly saw that she hadn't figured it all out yet and moved on to the next phase. I broke up with her and said I wan't no part of the "friends" and lifestyle she was living.

She even tried to convince me to come live it with her so we could be together... Don't fall for it. Do what I did if you hear from them. They will respect you for it.

 

Phase 4 - Coming "Home"

 

This is where your Ex finally starts to make changes and choose to grow up. Due to age, their friends and mostly because of what they learned due to Phase 3 above.

 

They drop their good time "friends", get burned out of partying, sick of the drama, want someone "more", etc.

 

This is when your Ex does another 180 but this time, they become the person you use to know.

 

This phase does not happen overnight and it is a process!

 

This is also when you a lot of you will hear from your Ex. No, they do not want you back although some will say they do (like my Ex). They know, that you know that they were

idiots and for some reason, they feel the need to let you know that they are "normal" and good again. This is also when your Ex starts to realize that you are special and rare.

That people like you do not grow on trees.

 

This is where most dumpees make the mistake of trying to get their Ex back! The dumpee thinks all the obstacles, hurdles and growing up that needed to happen, has occurred. That's wrong!

 

Why?

 

Your Ex just got to a point to where they feel "normal". So in a way, they are right back where they started when this whole G.I.G.S. thing kicked in.

 

All Phase 1, 2 and 3 are is them losing their minds and doing and experiencing as much as they can. In most cases, all the wrong ways.

 

What your Ex is thinking now is... I brought all the crap upon myself because I was being stupid and not thinking. Now that I am normal, I have the knowledge and ability to find a person like you.

 

If you make the mistake of taking them back now... You are setting yourself up to be dumped again. After a while, your Ex is going to think / feel / believe that they made a

hasty decision in coming back to you. They will think, I really don't know now that I am "normal" if this is who / what I want. Also, there is a little bit of doubt about you too

since you were so quick to take them back after all that they have done.

 

This is the reason why I said no to my Ex that wants me back. I need her to go date some more now that she is "normal". My Ex is half-hearted and still has G.I.G.S. (although s

he does not know it) and is trying to get things to return to normal when she was happy. Phase 1, 2 and 3 are fun for a time but becomes complete and total misery after a while.

Why do you think a lot of them go nuts with the drinking, drugs and partying... To be numb!

 

I also am showing her, that she "lost" me and prove that I am not a chump. That there are consequences to her decisions and she needs to feel them now that she is "normal".

Her fear (which she stated over and over to me), is that she will never find a guy like me. The fact that she says that, tells me everything I needed to know. Although persistent,

I know that she is not really ready.

 

Phase 5 - Crawling on Broken Glass On Their Knees

 

Once they are "normal"... They still think they have a chance and what it takes to find what they once had. Well let me tell you, in my case, that just isn't going to happen.

For some of you, that will also be the case.

 

After they get out there and experience what "normal" is enough times... This is when the reality of the situation finally hits them. This is when they know beyond a shadow of a

doubt that they have indeed made a very big mistake.

 

This is when your Ex will do whatever it takes to WIN your love back. They will make their intentions known and there will be no mistake as to what they are doing. No mixed

messages, no wondering, no doubts, etc.

 

They will crawl on broken glass on their knees to get you back!

[sardeen]

Yeah, this explains my ex quite well!

 

I never understood the idea that if someone does not love themselves, they can not love others. I always figured you could tell them how special they were and they would pull through.

 

Now I know from experience that having to constantly reassure someone they are a beautiful person and are loved is a losing battle.

 

Hopefully she does get to the point where she realizes what is really hurting her or she will hurt a lot of people.

[Sugarkane]

A couple of questions. If the dumpee is do fantastic (which we are) then why even consider breaking up with them? No one in my grandparents generation had GIGS. It was weird not to be married young. What if they never leave the rebound/ next person? What if they marry the next person? Then what.

[LelouchIsZero]

Sigh, G.I.G.S... what a joke.

 

The concept is so vague & apparently everyone's ex is "suffering" from it.

[smokey bear]

Sigh, G.I.G.S... what a joke.

 

The concept is so vague & apparently everyone's ex is "suffering" from it.

 

 

The concept isnt vague at all. If you think its a joke thats fine, keep your negativity out my posts please.

[LelouchIsZero]

The concept isnt vague at all. If you think its a joke thats fine, keep your negativity out my posts please.

 

Fair enough, but I don't see how I'm being negative -- we'll go with it anyway, though.

 

I'm also quite confused on why you wrote that a person who experiences "G.I.G.S" is a victim. A victim of what, if I may ask?

Edited December 5, 2011 by LelouchIsZero

[smokey bear]

Sigh, G.I.G.S... what a joke.

 

QUOTE]

 

 

NEGATIVITY!!!!!!

 

 

 

VICTIM - A person or thing destroyed or sacrificed in the pursuit of an object, or in gratification of a passion

 

GIGS - that what other people have or do looks preferable to our life.

 

DOES THAT CLEAR THINGS UP FOR YOU.

[LelouchIsZero]

Sigh, G.I.G.S... what a joke.

 

 

NEGATIVITY!!!!!!

 

 

 

VICTIM - A person or thing destroyed or sacrificed in the pursuit of an object, or in gratification of a passion

 

GIGS - that what other people have or do looks preferable to our life.

 

DOES THAT CLEAR THINGS UP FOR YOU.

 

A bit moody, it would seem? It was only an opinion, take it with a grain of salt.

 

They're merely a "victim" of their own actions. Thus, they're not really a victim at all.

 

Thank you for the definitions, but sadly it would seem that all of your hard work has gone to waste. Things just haven't been cleared up for me, sorry.

Edited December 5, 2011 by LelouchIsZero

[wilsonx]

Just because you do not agree with the theories and information posted on this topic doesnt mean it doesnt exist. Everyone has a right to their opinions. It's all about keeping an open mind and having an understanding that other people might think it exists.

 

Example: I am not a religious person but I keep an open mind to the fact that there actually may be a deity of some sort out there and respect that other peoples' belief in it.

 

Learn to think and see out side the box on things, step out of your own shoes for a bit and watch how you interact with other people. Put yourself in their shoes in everyday interactions. You'd be surprised at what you see.

[smokey bear]

Just because you do not agree with the theories and information posted on this topic doesnt mean it doesnt exist. Everyone has a right to their opinions. It's all about keeping an open mind and having an understanding that other people might think it exists.

 

Example: I am not a religious person but I keep an open mind to the fact that there actually may be a deity of some sort out there and respect that other peoples' belief in it.

 

Learn to think and see out side the box on things, step out of your own shoes for a bit and watch how you interact with other people. Put yourself in their shoes in everyday interactions. You'd be surprised at what you see.

 

 

Welcome back xx Sobered up i guess x x

[ginastar]

after 1.5 years i think my ex is in the bargaining stage. for the past 4 months he uses excuses to get in touch with me but its randomly.... like weeks/a month apart. he has been in another relationship since 3 weeks after we broke up. we were together for 7 years.