a year after leaving me, my ex is signed off work on anti-depressants ...

[melenkurion]

I don't know what I feel about this, to be honest.

 

It's over a year since I have seen my ex, when he moved out the last of his stuff. We've been NC more or less since then: last contact was a week after I last saw him.

 

I was in a show at the weekend, and my friends came to see me in it. Afterwards, they did let slip that my ex has been off work for three weeks with depression, and is on citalopram. There's apparently no immediate prospect of his return to work. I know, I should have stopped me telling them this, but I was weak. I haven't heard anything from anyone in a very long time. I don't ask.

 

The first thing I felt was relief, actually, that "he's no longer my problem". It would have been quite a financial burden, his not working: his outgoings are much higher than his income when he is not working, so it would have been a struggle. When he had his depressive episodes, he was very draining to be around. I begged him to seek professional help, but he was extremely vocal in opposing anti-depressants, and very dismissive of counsellors, therapists and so on. In the end, I think he blamed me for not making him feel good enough about himself, thereby causing his depression: he told the guy he left me for "You make me feel alive again".

 

It doesn't make me feel good, it doesn't make me feel bad. I felt a brief flash of "you thought you would do so much better without me, did you". It's all irrelevant, though, in the end.