Learning to live again and putting myself first

[Philosoraptor]

So I am less than two months out of a relationship where I lost the person that I was and embraced the natural caretaker that I am. I lost my hobbies, interests, and pretty much all of my motivation to better my life. I became consumed so much with taking care of her needs that I put her up on a pedestal and let a good deal of my wants and desires for life to be swept under the rug. Months before I met her I decided to break out of my introverted shell and start enjoying life, and when I got into a relationship with her I fell back into the introverted stage and lost everything I had gained before I met her. I don't blame her for any of this; I allowed it to happen and even embraced it. I always had the ability to say no and speak my mind but I put myself last and began to place not only her, but the rest of the people in my life ahead of me.

 

After the relationship ended I hit one bad snag along the way and that motivated me to start working on myself. I since have put a bucket list together and really started to not only make plans to knock things off, but to actually get them done. Thus far I have went skydiving which was an amazing experience and doing charitable work which is always something I wanted to have more time for. I am no longer sitting around depressed and I'm waking up excited about what the new day has to offer. Plans for the future thus far are stargazing this weekend and going to watch the ball drop in Times Square.

 

I'd love to hear advice or stories regarding being a caretaker and would be happy to give my tidbits of wisdom to anyone who is struggling through the same thing.

[betterdeal]

Subscribes

[Philosoraptor]

Recently I started trying to be more charitable. I just picked up gifts/food for the holidays for a family hit hard by the economy. It's just so sad to hear parents wondering if their babies are going to have a Christmas because they can barely keep food on the table and a roof over their head.

 

I also gave a double red cell blood donation and that was quite the experience. I had given whole blood before but the double red cell is where they take two units of red cells and separate/pump the plasma (which strangely is a golden color) back into you with a saline solution. Giving the blood is no issue but the pumping back in is a very strange sensation. The plasma becomes room temperature so they are pumping much colder liquid back into you and it makes you shiver all over and feel cold on the inside. My throat and stomach were freezing and my fingers and lips went numb. Overall it became quite uncomfortable but I would be willing to do it again because it saves lives.

 

Due to bad weather conditions my stargazing trip will have to move back a week or more. We will see what the cloud cover is projected to be next weekend.

 

Sometimes I wonder if my want to help others in need is due to my caretaker instincts. But I figure it doesn't matter as long as I also make sure to take care of myself and not sacrifice myself or what I can't afford to give.

[betterdeal]

Sometimes I wonder if my want to help others in need is due to my caretaker instincts. But I figure it doesn't matter as long as I also make sure to take care of myself and not sacrifice myself or what I can't afford to give.

 

How curious: "Only give as much as you can afford" was something I said to myself about a decade ago and has been something I have tried to observe. I agree with you: being helpful for others is fine so long as your basic needs are met first. If you don't look after yourself, someone else will have to, so it's not just a selfish thing.

 

Love the story about the blood donation. I donated earlier this year, then they wrote and told me not to donate. I asked why, they prevaricated. Must talk to my doctor about that sometime.

 

I was watching World's Strictest Parents last night and that prompted me to looking into visiting an old people's home at Christmas. The oldies with no family like to get visitors.

[betterdeal]

Sometimes I wonder if my want to help others in need is due to my caretaker instincts. But I figure it doesn't matter as long as I also make sure to take care of myself and not sacrifice myself or what I can't afford to give.

 

How curious: "Only give as much as you can afford" was something I said to myself about a decade ago and has been something I have tried to observe. I agree with you: being helpful for others is fine so long as your basic needs are met first. If you don't look after yourself, someone else will have to, so it's not just a selfish thing.

 

Love the story about the blood donation. I donated earlier this year, then they wrote and told me not to donate. I asked why, they prevaricated. Must talk to my doctor about that sometime.

 

I was watching World's Strictest Parents last night and that prompted me to looking into visiting an old people's home at Christmas. The oldies with no family like to get visitors.

[Graceful]

Good for you, Philosoraptor.

 

But let this all be a cautionary tale, don't just throw yourself into your bucket list or look for ways to get into the groove of your life.

 

Let it be a time to ruminate on your needs, what makes you happy, what makes you feel fulfilled, and what type of person will COMPLIMENT you in the future -- not someone who will drain your batteries and make you feel you need to abandon yourself so you are left drained, unfulfilled and empty ever again.

 

I don't mean that the partner in your life has to be your twin by any means, but someone who will bring out the BEST in you and someone who will hear you and see you as a FULL PERSON, not just someone who is a reflection of what they want you to be. Or what THEY need. That person should look at you and want you to be engaged with your own values, life, and happiness. That should make your partner happy, too, just seeing you as an active participant in your own life and happiness. All of this should flow together.

 

Also remember that everything that makes you a fulfilled, engaged human isn't necessarily on a list. Feeling good about yourself might also mean just making yourself a nice dinner, reading a book, relaxing, or even cleaning up your living space and ridding it of clutter.

 

Nice going and keep up the good work and healthy attitude. I have lots of fun, if not esoteric interests, and I also had a great time re-introducing myself to some of them after my breakup, and I will never turn back. We all make compromises and some things inevitably fall off of the radar when a relationship comes along, but now you know how important it is to stay true to yourself, and what you need to do to maintain a healthy balance.

 

Best wishes and take care.

 

So I am less than two months out of a relationship where I lost the person that I was and embraced the natural caretaker that I am. I lost my hobbies, interests, and pretty much all of my motivation to better my life. I became consumed so much with taking care of her needs that I put her up on a pedestal and let a good deal of my wants and desires for life to be swept under the rug. Months before I met her I decided to break out of my introverted shell and start enjoying life, and when I got into a relationship with her I fell back into the introverted stage and lost everything I had gained before I met her. I don't blame her for any of this; I allowed it to happen and even embraced it. I always had the ability to say no and speak my mind but I put myself last and began to place not only her, but the rest of the people in my life ahead of me.

 

After the relationship ended I hit one bad snag along the way and that motivated me to start working on myself. I since have put a bucket list together and really started to not only make plans to knock things off, but to actually get them done. Thus far I have went skydiving which was an amazing experience and doing charitable work which is always something I wanted to have more time for. I am no longer sitting around depressed and I'm waking up excited about what the new day has to offer. Plans for the future thus far are stargazing this weekend and going to watch the ball drop in Times Square.

 

I'd love to hear advice or stories regarding being a caretaker and would be happy to give my tidbits of wisdom to anyone who is struggling through the same thing.

[Philosoraptor]

betterdeal: I agree, I make sure to put my own needs first and give only what I can. Luckily most of what I can offer is free and time is something I tend to have an abundance of.

 

Graceful: I make sure to live my life for myself. The list has major goals but I make sure to meet my own happiness goals on a daily basis. I love to be creative with daily life and I make sure to never settle for any less than my best. I wont let myself go again. I lost too much of who I was and will never let that happen again. I will always be considerate to others but will also need to be considerate to myself. I agree that anyone I end up with will need to be as happy for my own individual goals as I am for theirs and be just as supportive to me as I am to them. I wont settle for anything less.

 

Thank you both for taking the time to respond

[betterdeal]

Great to see you around, Graceful. Hope life is full of joy for you.

 

Philosoraptor, even writing the list is good in itself. Even if most of it turns out to be pipe dreams, pipe dreams are good too. It's all part of what Grace pointed out: being present and enjoying your experience. You're doing great.

[Graceful]

Awesome, honey.

 

And one more thing to know and remember: there are people like me out here who love meeting a guy who has interests of his own and who is living his life fully on his own, and doesn't need a partner to feel good about himself and feel fulfilled. It's a huge turn on to talk to a new person who has tales to tell and ambitions, and can list the wonderful things he wants to achieve and do.

 

Not only that, but I like it when I meet someone who wants to include me in HIS interests, not just glom onto mine. We can share. And be supportive. I'd never expect a guy to be interested or want to participate in all of my quirky interests (like beads and jewelry -- and that's okay, you know ) but it could still bring someone delight seeing what makes me happy, and vice versa.

 

You are headed in the right direction. Happy for you. Now keep going.

 

PS Hi, BD!! Thank you. I am doing well. Awesome to see you, too.

 

betterdeal: I agree, I make sure to put my own needs first and give only what I can. Luckily most of what I can offer is free and time is something I tend to have an abundance of.

 

Graceful: I make sure to live my life for myself. The list has major goals but I make sure to meet my own happiness goals on a daily basis. I love to be creative with daily life and I make sure to never settle for any less than my best. I wont let myself go again. I lost too much of who I was and will never let that happen again. I will always be considerate to others but will also need to be considerate to myself. I agree that anyone I end up with will need to be as happy for my own individual goals as I am for theirs and be just as supportive to me as I am to them. I wont settle for anything less.

 

Thank you both for taking the time to respond

[Philosoraptor]

betterdeal: I don't think I have anything unrealistic on my list. I'm only turning 25 on Tuesday so I've got plenty of time to accomplish it all, add more to it, and accomplish that as well.

 

Graceful: I agree, and that's the type of person that I was months before I met her. I had finally come to terms with myself but regressed a ton. I was too worried about pleasing her than I gave up myself to do so. Needless to say that things could have been much happier on my end. But as you said, I have my own interests and would be more than happy to share them with someone who actually showed an interest in them, not only an interest in me spending time with them and showing a lot of disappointment when I enjoy something other than her. I am more than happy participating in my partners hobbies and would definitely encourage such things even if I wasn't interested. I believe in personal growth and that anyone who doesn't foster their own individuality will become unhappy with themselves. Also not having your own interests and time apart leaves you with very little to actually talk about later on. Conversations become routine and boring when you share everything at all times with your partner. I'll never lose my individualty again.

 

Also I uploaded pictures of my recent adventure that can be seen in my profile.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/album.php?u=139338

[betterdeal]

Och, you're a spring lamb!

[PelicanPete]

You've got quite the pair supportin' ya there Philly.

 

For once I can't really think of anything to say. You're on the right track that's for sure, I was in the same spot that you were in a little less than a year ago.

 

Be excited though buddy. I made a huge transformation in becoming the person I always wanted to be. Looking back at how far I have come actually makes me smile. Even though it was a difficult and almost scary time to go through, it was probably one of the most fulfilling experiences in my life.

 

Just stick to things you have a passion for, stay consistent, and embrace change. Live for your thoughts and think for your dreams.

[Philosoraptor]

So the sky's were cloudy this weekend so I didn't make my trip. Once the sky chart says the weekend is good for stargazing I will be heading up there and taking tons of pictures.

 

Otherwise I had a pretty good birthday and actually enjoyed it for the first time in awhile. The last many years my birthday has been full of so much anxiety and I was just expecting things to go wrong. I just felt like on my birthday I'd much rather just spend time in bed and waiting for the day to be over so life could go back to normal. Instead I had someone pull me out of my birthday funk and I had a really good day. Got a new camera for my star shots as well once the weather clears up.

[MillyRad]

I'm a mom with two young children ( one with some special needs) so the caretaking thing kind of comes with the territory. I'm also a "people pleaser" by nature. My oldest one just started school and I'm talking to my mom about maybe watching my three-year old for a few hours on some weekdays. I was an artist before I got married and had children. I'm looking forward to getting back to that. I just hope I remember what I'm doing.

[MillyRad]

Oh, also, do tell what kind of camera you have for night sky shots, please!

Edited December 19, 2011 by MillyRad
Accidentally put a "thumbs down" icon, which looked silly and made no sense.

[Philosoraptor]

I'm a mom with two young children ( one with some special needs) so the caretaking thing kind of comes with the territory. I'm also a "people pleaser" by nature. My oldest one just started school and I'm talking to my mom about maybe watching my three-year old for a few hours on some weekdays. I was an artist before I got married and had children. I'm looking forward to getting back to that. I just hope I remember what I'm doing.

That people pleaser can be great at times but it caused me to lose a lot of who I was. I love to make people happy but will no longer sacrifice myself for it.

 

It's great to get back to your passions from before. Taking a step back and loving yourself first really is a great feeling. I wish you nothing but the best

 

And in this dark area you need nothing but a normal camera. I have a 16mp camera and it should be well more than what is needed. I'm still waiting for a clear night to drive up there and take my shots.

[Philosoraptor]

So I dropped off the presents that I had puchased for a single father's children. He didn't answer the door but called shortly after I dropped the gifts at his door and sounded very happy. He told me his daughter will love the gifts and thanked me many times. It makes you feel good when you help others

[Philosoraptor]

So I had a mediator appointment yesterday with the ex. I stood my ground and did not budge any further than I had already determined I would allow myself. My offer was much more than fair but was not accepted. The caretaker in me had a want to make an appearance when she was visibly saddened that she wasn't going to get what she wanted, but I'm happy to say it didn't come out.

 

I'm happy to say I didn't budge. Now that the generous offer I had on the table was rejected it is now off the table and this game will be played by the law and nothing else. One does not get to be gone and exercise the rights they had before they left. Off to court we go.

[betterdeal]

Good on you for standing your ground. So long as we aren't acting out of malice, it's the best way to behave.

[Philosoraptor]

No updates for awhile so here we go.

 

NYE was wonderful. Rented a cabin in Seneca Rocks, WV and it was an amazing area. Woke up with cows in the yard and visisted so many natural landmarks in the area.

 

Drove through the mountains and realized that the Corolla wasn't meant for the snow hike. It's exciting though backing down a mountain in the snow with a cliff on your right side.

 

Saw the stars while there since it is one of the darkest places in the USA. It was an amazing view and I plan on going stargazing more often.

 

Filed a court case yesterday to get my ex off of the house. She was unwilling to provide a date that she will sign over the house so I am taking her to court for 1/2 of the mortgage from the day she left until the date she is able to get her name off of the mortgage. The mortgage company was very friendly with me and willing (rare exception) to allow me to write her off the loan. I gave her a free out (allowing her off a mortgage that is underwater and not charging her a penny) and she did not take it. Since I had to go to court she will now be required to pay what she is legally liable for.

 

I tried to go the easy route to allow her the best path to move on as I have found my peace and wish her nothing but the best. She didn't take it so I will have to force her off of the loan.

 

I've also noticed many issues around the house after she visits. I wish she could find peace so her actions would be less spiteful and more logical instead. I've not retaliated in any way as I have no reason to be angry with her.

[Philosoraptor]

So the house papers finally arrived. Not too long until everything is signed over and the mess is done. I informed her that upon the signing of the documents I will sign a promisary note saying upon completion of the house and mortgage being signed over, and pending no harm is done to myself or the property (as was threatened), that I will drop the court case. As I have no want to harm her financially or in any way. I would have made it clear that it was a bluff (that I would have won) in the last post but she may be e-stalking me and it was the only thing I could do to stop the threats and get her motivated.

 

But man you should have seen her the day she got served. It went from "I'm not signing the house over until xyz happens" to "We need to talk about the house". Then when she came over with a relative they were very hostile and verbally abusive, and they only got worse when they saw that I was calm and presented only legal facts.

 

Outside of this my life has been pretty awesome. Helping others whenever I can and just enjoying every moment. There has been no bigger joy in my life than finding my optimism again. I'm just as bubbly as I was before I met her and will never let myself lose that again.

[betterdeal]

Great going, P. So glad you're tidying up these loose ends so well.

[blindnowisee]

Philly: just wanted to say thanks for this. You've summed up my feelings precisely.. I've only just turned 26 and have started to write my bucket list as well after my 8 yr relationship just ended..

 

I salute you and wish you all the best in the future. Breaking up with someone can be a blessing in disguise really.. We're young and now what we want now.. my relationship could have meandered on for another 10 years and I would have missed these 10 years to reflect, improve and grow as a person.

[Philosoraptor]

All we can do in life is allow ourselves to grow. If the way we are growing brings us no happiness then a new path we must choose.

 

But yea, my house is still under joint ownership as what was signed was but the application. About a month away from having all of my ducks in a row. She's definitely changed her tune though since her crazy blowup, makes things easier on me that she seems a bit more peaceful. I no longer worry that my items will be destroyed or my heat being turned up to 100 when she stops by and I'm not home.

[Philosoraptor]

My nightmare is over My house was signed over last night and now I no longer have to deal with any of her insanity. When I got home I just started dancing around. No longer do I have to deal with her pathetic attempts of trying to make me jealous or dealing with her "visiting" and leaving the house a mess. Her actions were just pitiful and I hope she deals with her issues before she spends the rest of her life miserable, but I've no longer go to deal with it in any way.

 

What a fabulous crabulous day