Buttercup84 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I posted this is in another thread , sorry for repeating myself . This is an emai my ex sent me after dumping me 7 months ago I wanted to write to you to tell you that I have missed you so much. I don't think that I ever stopped loving you even though we went through what we did. Since we broke up I have been heartbroken and I always felt like a part of me was missing when you were gone. It's not fair what you've been through, even after all of the hard decisions that you had to make after we first met. You were my whole world and it still makes me cry when I think about everything that I lost when I pushed you away. I don't think I've ever loved anyone as much as I love you. I miss you with all my heart and I feel sick knowing how much damage that I have done and everything that I have put you through. The way that I thought about things before we broke up was selfish and wrong and I want to say sorry and tell you how much I hurt myself too when I let that affect us. I think about the time we had together and wish I had done more with you. I was so upset after we broke up and being in our house without you and Sphinx was too hard for me so I transferred across to Perth with work. I still think you're the most amazing girl and no one else has made more of an impact on my life than you have. I know in my heart that I should never have ended things with you and I would give anything to be with you again. If I ever had that chance I would spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy and make up for everything that you've been through and the time we've been apart. I know that you probably hate me and as much as that breaks my heart I would understand. So anyway , like an idiot I respond and we talk a bit . Saying he still hopes we can work things out , have kids etc . He cant wait to kiss me again and misses me so much it hurts . So tonight we talk on the phone and he said he does not know if he is in love with me , he does not want to hurt me again etc . That he was feeling sad and depressed when he wrote that . So I feel like **** but will fight this and not go down that dark hole I went down when he ended it before . So if you wish to hear from your ex , it won't make you happy for long . If someone wants you back they will do anything to be with you , no matter what happened in the past and how far they live from you . Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 So sorry you went from a moment of high back down to sadness again, all because of contact from the ex. I must admit, the email does say all the right things and I reckon all of us would be overjoyed to receive such a thing. However, re-reading it a few times, as much as it is an apology of sorts, it's also about his own feelings and sadness. Clearly he's not done so well since leaving you and wants to make himself feel better. I really hope you can move past this and get back to healing. At least now you know, 100%, that he's not the one for you... Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Sadly he used you, and you can see it. He received his validation that you still wanted him and cleared his conscience. This is the kind of email that a dumpee dreams about. But sadly even this is more often than not just them receiving validation. They hit a down moment and wonder if they made a mistake, or maybe feel that no one else will care about them the way they were cared about in the past. Once they receive that feeling they get their confidence back and pull back. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Damn I wasn't expecting a surprise ending as I was reading this post. As I read your ex's email I thought to myself "I would not respond to my ex for anything less than what this ex wrote here", that's how impressive I thought it was. Like raptor said above, it's the dream email for a dumpee. I cannot believe he wrote such a well thought out email and then he was wishy-washy when you guys started talking. What a bummer. I sympathize with what you are going through. I wish this person would get their head on straight for your sake. I thought that email was going to lead to good things. What a cruel game he is playing. Link to post Share on other sites
lilyblue Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 So sorry buttercup. What a jerk he is for even starting this. Just ridiculous. Keep up your resolve to get through this, I imagine it must be very hard. You didn't do anything wrong, you would have always wondered if you hadn't responded to him. Link to post Share on other sites
perfectlyflawed459 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 First of all, you are no where near stupid. As Exit has said, that is an email that would get many people to reconsider reconciling with an ex because it really does say all the right things. It sounded very sincere, but I think the best thing you can do right now is to just go back to NC and give him space. He sounds like he still needs to figure himself out and you do not deserve to be toyed with like that. I am sorry you had to be setback like this I do not understand how someone can change their mindset within a few days. He has some conflicting emotions going on right now, which is something he needs to sort out on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Think of it as boundary-building. You added another brick today. That is healthy, not 'stupid'. My sympathies.... Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower11 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Yikes! *hugs* I'm very sorry Buttercup but this is just another step towards you healing. I think one good thing you can take out of this is that..many of us wonder what/when our ex's will contact us and what they will say and how we will react. Now you know, cause you have been through this so you would have no doubts left that you are better off without him and that moving on is all you really have left. I think you are very strong for following your heart and talking to him, and also strong to realize it wasn't going to go anywhere and for telling yourself you will not go down that black hole again. Keep your chin up! Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 You have to stop demeaning yourself everytime you take fall. You are emotional and you make choices that sometimes don't work in your favor. We've all been through the mud. I truly believe these blows are actually blessings that help you truly understand the gift NC. I've taken some really hard hits to the heart and I've done what you've done only to be destroyed. One thing I have learnt is that words are never a guarantee. They're cheap. Free. Build your boundaries from now on. While this is painful, it is exactly what you need to push forward with letting go. I hope you don't fall for one of these attempts again Butter. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 How typical. What an a$s, I'm very sorry. Did you tell him never to contact you again? And next time he's feeling "sad" to cry on someone else's shoulder? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buttercup84 Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 I'm Just so sad again . He said he wants us to work out, he really wishes I was with him and still wants kids with me . Now he says he didn't think about it properly . I was doing ok till now and now I'm broken again . Knowing he is in another state makes it harder . this is such a nightmare Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Buttercup, I'm with you on this. Ever since my ex made contact last month I have been in a tailspin. I can't sleep and he's all that I think about. It sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Take pity on your Ex Buttercup, he is more clueless than you ever were... That being said if you hear from him again I would suggest mocking him. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 That's cruel and emotionally damaging. He should not have sent that and I wonder if he gains some sick pleasure from hurting you. Do you really wanna have kids by someone like that? He sounds like a real keeper. NOT Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 He's using you. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Buttercup, I'm with you on this. Ever since my ex made contact last month I have been in a tailspin. I can't sleep and he's all that I think about. It sucks! I am just curious. How long were you NC before he made contact last month? Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Hi Buttercup, I was not fully taken in by this letter because I know a little bit about what he put you through from reading your other posts. I know what it's like for someone to act as if they are pouring their heart out to you and then take it back. My ex got down on his knees, crying (out of one eye) for me to take him back. It was all an act. Crying out of one eye should have given me a clue. Stay away from that bombaclot and stay strong. Stay strong, sister! Link to post Share on other sites
Dark Phoenix Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 So tonight we talk on the phone and he said he does not know if he is in love with me , he does not want to hurt me again etc . That he was feeling sad and depressed when he wrote that . He's not using her, you have to remember they are both young. There's 2 types of love, infatuation and attachment. He's telling the truth too about not being in love (infatuation), he's chasing this. He doesnt understand that infatuation is not long term. This is part of emotional maturity is understanding this concept. He is ATTACHED to buttercup. The email was 100% honest. He does love her. There are no games being played. For those of you that think there are games being played, I suggest doing some googling into this concept of Infatuation and Attachment and learning for yourself This is the whole concept behind GIGS breakups, "I love you but I am not in love with you" He's not playing any games, he just doesnt know and he has to learn it on his own and he will eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 He's using her to fill a void in his own happiness, his own self-esteem. He is unhappy and depressed, and reaching out for help, just to the wrong person. It is causing her terrible upset. He needs to stabilize his mind, and will need support, but from people who are equipped to support him, and who are not as emotionally enmeshed with him. Friends, volunteers, professionals, family. He cannot keep his word, and that's because he's overwhelmed by his emotions. That doesn't make him a bad person, but it does make him an unreliable one who is likely to do things that hurt those close to him, and not even know he's doing it. A bear with a sore paw is just an animal hurting, but it's not a good idea to rush in and give it a cuddle. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark Phoenix Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 He's using her to fill a void in his own happiness, his own self-esteem. He is unhappy and depressed, and reaching out for help, just to the wrong person. It is causing her terrible upset. He needs to stabilize his mind, and will need support, but from people who are equipped to support him, and who are not as emotionally enmeshed with him. Friends, volunteers, professionals, family. He cannot keep his word, and that's because he's overwhelmed by his emotions. That doesn't make him a bad person, but it does make him an unreliable one who is likely to do things that hurt those close to him, and not even know he's doing it. A bear with a sore paw is just an animal hurting, but it's not a good idea to rush in and give it a cuddle. Absolutely not. Hes not using her or reaching out for help, hes apologizing. Here I will highlight it for you. I wanted to write to you to tell you that I have missed you so much. I don't think that I ever stopped loving you even though we went through what we did. Since we broke up I have been heartbroken and I always felt like a part of me was missing when you were gone. It's not fair what you've been through, even after all of the hard decisions that you had to make after we first met. You were my whole world and it still makes me cry when I think about everything that I lost when I pushed you away. I don't think I've ever loved anyone as much as I love you. I miss you with all my heart and I feel sick knowing how much damage that I have done and everything that I have put you through. The way that I thought about things before we broke up was selfish and wrong and I want to say sorry and tell you how much I hurt myself too when I let that affect us. I think about the time we had together and wish I had done more with you. I was so upset after we broke up and being in our house without you and Sphinx was too hard for me so I transferred across to Perth with work. I still think you're the most amazing girl and no one else has made more of an impact on my life than you have. I know in my heart that I should never have ended things with you and I would give anything to be with you again. If I ever had that chance I would spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy and make up for everything that you've been through and the time we've been apart. I know that you probably hate me and as much as that breaks my heart I would understand. People break NC all the time, both dumpers and dumpees. I have done it. I don't know anywhere where he said he would never talk to her again or where he had NC going on with her. Do you? Love makes people do things we shouldnt do. There's no wrong in it and he's not using her. A lot of people can't control their emotions. The only person that can control NC for buttercup is buttercup. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 You didn't highlight this bit: I would give anything to be with you again. Why did you not highlight that bit? Buttercup has already made it clear elsewhere on these fora that these words affected her. The words you ignore, she didn't ignore. So he would give anything one day (hot hot hot!) then a couple of days later qualifies it and ums and ars, and isn't sure (cold cold cold). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buttercup84 Posted January 21, 2012 Author Share Posted January 21, 2012 Hi all Thanks for replying to me . I am still very confused and upset . He has admitted that he was selfish for emailing me because he felt so depressed . He is going to book into therapy , he said that he can't make any right decisions now because he has depression and he should have sought help before contacting me and bringing me down again . My therapist said that IF something ever happened between us and for it to work , he and I have to continue thearapy otherwise it will just repeat it self. Yes I know he was abusive towards me , and that is why I am getting help to get over that . And I admit that he really messed up my emotions by emailing me , making me want him again and feeling depressed and heart broken . Thankfully I am seeing my thearapist once a week now and will go to the gym after work everyday and see my friends . I believe that if someone really wants to be with you , they will move mountains . I can't hate him , and I am still in love with him and a lot of you will think I am weak and pathetic for feeling like that . I will do my best now . Link to post Share on other sites
dicky_fish Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I can't hate him , and I am still in love with him and a lot of you will think I am weak and pathetic for feeling like that . If anything I actually respect you more for admitting that. I'm now 9 months out of my relationship and as much as I try not to I know I'm still in love with her. It's the price we pay for committing our hearts totally. You, like me, thought that the person we were with was going to be there until our dying days. I said to my new therapist this week that I know I still love her because when I'd made that decision to be with her as far as I was concerned I'd already made the vows I was going to make on my wedding day - I didn't need a church for that promise to start. In my opinion it's the sign of integrety be willing to keep those promises. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyBoop Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I just wanted to say that as a dumper I can see where he is coming from. It could have been me sending one of those to my ex-fiancé because let's face it, it is really damn hard to get over someone you were once engaged to or planned to spend the rest of your life with. However, even if I *did* send something like that to my ex and he would have, like you did, responded positively I'd probably back off too because it's just a sweet fantasy of "the tragic epic romantic saga". That becomes a complicated reality once the other part responds. Obviously, you both ended it for a reason - and just because he might still like to think fondly of you and your relationship sadly does not mean he would want it all back, because the reasons for ending it are still there. Dunno if it made sense but always be aware of a dumper who wants to turn back time...<.< Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I don't trust this man or anything he says. In another post Buttercup revealed he emotionally abused her. I think the man is a bombaclot. Link to post Share on other sites
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