Greta Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 A week ago my husband of 9 years told me he was going down to the bar to shoot pool with his buddy, the next day I came to figure out that he had really been to a strip club. It turns out he spent $140 at this all nude strip club on beer, tips, and 4 lap dances (all with the same stripper) He lied about where he was going and continued to lie until he knew he had been caught (I found the jeans he had been wearing, stuffed halfway into a full dirty clothes basket, reeking of womens perfume) At this point he admited to going there and after much yelling, told me he had paid for 4 lap dances. He has apologized for sneaking and lying, but does not feel that he has done anything wrong beyond that, "I was just out with a buddy having a fun time drinking some beer, it didn't mean anything." Just when I thought I had come to terms with it, and believed him when he said that he was not allowed to touch her during the lap dances, and even told him I was wrong for making such a big deal out of nothing - I overheard him reliving the night with the same buddy and found out that in fact he was able to touch her a$$, breasts, her nipples brushed up against his lips, and he actually had an orgasm (she said "We're not done til you get - off") He still feels he has done nothing wrong, I am devastated. I feel that, while he may not have had intercourse with her, he has definitely crossed the line into cheating. When I asked why he felt the need to sneak & lie about it he said "I wanted to avoid this big fight" Which says to me that he knows what he did was wrong but he refuses to admit it, in fact he says he'll probably go back, that those girls are getting paid to pretend that they like you. He told me I should go to a male strip club just to see that it's nothing - I said I don't want to go and have another man rub his thing on me. I went to the strip club myself and saw the girl that he had chosen, who looks nothing like me except for brown hair, which did not help my self esteem issues. I also saw the little "menus" that they have on the tables - lap dance $20/ 1 song, champagne room $150/ 20min., and large & small jacuzzi $200/ 30min. Now if she "wasn't done til he got - off" during a lap dance, what 's available for $150 - $200?! What should I think about him still planning on going back, knowing that it's causing a huge problem in our marriage? I'm sorry this post is so long, but I am an emotional wreck. Am I over-reacting? Link to post Share on other sites
BabyGirl Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I don't believe your over-reacting...because he knows it has upset you. Had he not lied about the whole thing...it wouldn't have been so bad. I think he did cross the line...with the "getting off" part. I would seriously question the relationship if he went again. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Everyone has a different opinion on 'porn' and 'strip bars'. We've had lots of threads on the subject. I personally don't have a prob with strip joints. I live in an area where they are socially accepted and full of sailors. If I were in a relationship, I wouldn't care if he went there or what happened while he was there. I do not look at it as an 'affair'. This is what it comes down to though. This is YOUR marriage and YOUR life. If YOU feel cheated on and humiliated.....you have every right to tell him you will NOT accept his behavior or tolerate him going there again. It's a personal call. It doesn't matter if all of society thought it was okay (and most DON'T)....what matters is how this is making you feel. All you can do is tell him the next time he gets a lap dance....his clothes will be piled in the yard for immediate pick up for his next living arrangement. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I don't think you're overreacting. That would be a deal breaker for me. If some nude guy made me come while rubbing all over me, I am quite sure my boyfriend and most other guys would say I cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 i would flip out at this - i could just about cope with a strip club visit - but those details are just too much for me personally. in context, have you ever distrusted him previously? has he been to strip clubs before? have you felt hes crossed a line before? have you ever discussed his & your attitude to strip clubs? Link to post Share on other sites
Confused123 Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I would totally not be cool with my boyfriend, even going to looking at naked women dancing, forget about a lap dance..... I think man need to grow the f&&k up and stop all this bull****... if my husband of nine years did something like tha tto me, I would tell him to have that b&&ch clean his clothes and make him dinner.. It is just a clear case of disrespect.. There is no excuse, I would not tolerate my man behaving like that... NO EXCUSE.. I am out with boys, blah, blah, give me a break.... grow up and start acting like a man and treat you wife with some respect. Good luck I am sorry to hear about your situsation Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Sounds like your hubby has a whole lot of play money to throw around. Perhaps you should take advantage and come up with a “menu” of your own: Housekeeping: $50.00/hour (does not include windows) Personal Chef: $20.00 per meal (if served on dinnerware instead of paper plates, refer to back to Housekeeping) Day Care Provider: $110.00/week, per child. (Also includes two weeks paid vacation per year and six paid sick days. Does not include weekends.) Councilor/Therapist: $75.00/hour (He’ll think twice before taking up your time to complain about his day) Escort Service: $120.00 per hour (This includes accompanying him to any social, business or family functions where pseudo wife-in-tow is mandatory) Chauffer: $50.00/hour, .34/mile, 15% gratuity. Prostitution: Lap dance $20/ 1 song; Bedroom $150/ 20min; Jacuzzi, tub and/or shower $200/ 30min.; “Happy Ending” (Oral, manual and/or intercourse) $200 additional charge applies. Perhaps if you start charging for your services like the ‘professionals’ do, he’ll have no money left to shove in someone else’s sweaty g-string! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greta Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by BigBelm in context, have you ever distrusted him previously? has he been to strip clubs before? have you felt hes crossed a line before? have you ever discussed his & your attitude to strip clubs? We have some issues from prior to our marriage, I did cheat on him - he retaliated, we got married a few months later. Speaking for myself, I have been absolutely faithful to him & our marriage. I have never even come remotely close to cheating on him. There have been 1 or 2 occasions that he told me he was one place when he was really in another, but nothing happened on these occasions. No this was his 1st trip to a strip club. He has told me that there were times when yes, he's thought about cheating on me but did not because he loves me and values our family too much, & that he takes his marriage vows very seriously. The only real discussion we had on the subject was when we were discussing ideas for celebrating my Dad's 50th BD, I even suggested that a bunch of the guys get together and go to a strip club, but that never came about. This was not just a spur of the moment decision, him and his friend had been planning on going all along - he lied and told me they were just going to the local bar to shoot pool. I was asleep on the couch when he got home, I did wake up momentarily when he came in, then he went back and jumped in the shower & hid his clothes. He even had the nerve to say "I should have gone out and cheated because your already acting like I did - at least then the punishment would fit the crime" Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 HAHAHA Enigma....that was PRICELESS and I stole it! I now have it in my personal archives!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Dug Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Every relationship should have respect as it's cornerstone and foundation. Nothing else matters or can grow if you don't have it. If your partner knows something really upsets you and they do it anyway...it's a lack of respect !! Spending money foolishly....flirting.....affairs & flings, abuse, drunkeness....embarrassing you in public.....calling you names....you name the hurt, and at the core is a lack of respect. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Wedding nuptials and reception: $25,000.00 Buddy night out on the town: $200.00 Four naked lap dances: $140.00 Getting caught by your wife hiding the pecker tracks in your jeans: Priceless! “There are some things money just can’t buy. For everything else, there’s divorce lawyers.” Link to post Share on other sites
Confused123 Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 That was great Engima, my thought exactly... Make the bast&&d pay for things that he normally takes for granted. Unfortunately his wife seems like one of them. I feel for you.... This guy is out of line and trying to make you feel bad for your feelings. That cruel and should not be tolerated. Tell him to make a choice, he good old boy times touchy nasty strippers or you, a women who has made a home for him and take care of him.. Which one does he want..... That would be my feelings... Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO Wedding nuptials and reception: $25,000.00 Buddy night out on the town: $200.00 Four naked lap dances: $140.00 Getting caught by your wife hiding the pecker tracks in your jeans: Priceless! “There are some things money just can’t buy. For everything else, there’s divorce lawyers.” ROFL!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Taxi Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by Greta The only real discussion we had on the subject was when we were discussing ideas for celebrating my Dad's 50th BD, I even suggested that a bunch of the guys get together and go to a strip club, but that never came about. Ok, so let me get this into context. What if him and the guys had gone to the strip club then, and he had had an orgasm then? Would you count that one as him cheating on you? Or would you consider yours as an open marriage then? I really do want to know. I dont get it.What is his crime? That he went to a strip club? That can't be it, because it seems you wouldn't mind that... Is it that he orgasm-ed from it? What else is titillation supposed to achieve? Then perhaps its the fact that he didn't tell you about going to a strip club...?Oh, I would like to see that picture... Husband : Honey, I'm off to the strip joint with the guys... Wife : Oh yeah? Husband shot dead... Mind you, I don't approve of the guy's actions...but you know, you are standing on a pillar of salt too... Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 ROTFL Enigma!!! That is hilarious. I would say your husband crossed the line when he lied to you. There's a reason he lied...what he did was wrong, wrong, WRONG. I would have major issues and not be able to trust him (personally) after this. All this crap is awful. I mean, what if YOU had gone to male strip clubs (which are few and far between compared to the atypical "Badda Bing"), and done the same thing. What IF the roles had been reversed in this scenario? I'm not going to say, "go see a counsellor" (said in a whiny, naisily voice)...that's crap too. I don't see anything come out of that other than more money wasted and spent. What are you going to do when you get there, tell on your husband...ewwwww!!!!!!!!!!!! If he did something like that, you've got bigger fish to fry. It sounds like his reaction to the whole thing was pretty non chalant, too. Did he cheat, yes, he cheated YOU. That's what I think I'm hearing you say. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetbilly Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I think the question should be "what are the women at the strip club doing that you aren't ." If you want your man to be faithful, show him you have that they don't. Or go with him if your scared he's going to cheat. Usually if a man goes to a club it's for a reason. Usually something at home isn't right. I think you show alot of insecurity by being afraid. Are you scared that these women are going to steal your man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greta Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by Taxi Ok, so let me get this into context. What if him and the guys had gone to the strip club then, and he had had an orgasm then? Would you count that one as him cheating on you? Or would you consider yours as an open marriage then? I really do want to know. I dont get it.What is his crime? That he went to a strip club? That can't be it, because it seems you wouldn't mind that... Is it that he orgasm-ed from it? What else is titillation supposed to achieve? Then perhaps its the fact that he didn't tell you about going to a strip club...?Oh, I would like to see that picture... Husband : Honey, I'm off to the strip joint with the guys... Wife : Oh yeah? Husband shot dead... Mind you, I don't approve of the guy's actions...but you know, you are standing on a pillar of salt too... Well maybe I was naive in thinking that if he went with an entire group of guys, my father included, that he would not have behaved the same way he did when it was just him and his best friend. I guess my thoughts were that the whole lot of them would pitch in to buy my dad a lap dance possibly - or that they would just go, see some naked women, give them some tips, drink some beer and that would be the extent of it. I also told him, prior to overhearing him describe the night, that I don't think I would have a problem with him just going and drinking some beer & seeing the women dance - but that now, I don't trust him to go and not buy lap dances after he's had a few beers & it's right in the next room & how would she(I) know? He even agreed with me that he would probably not be able to refrain from buying lap dances. And his crime, in my opinion, was paying another woman to physically touch him, and vise versa - even if it is somewhat limited - until he had an orgasm. Then when you add in his lying & sneaking & brazeness about still wanting to go back - well that's just over the top. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Huh?? do you people (Taxi and sweetbilly) honestly believe that what he did is not in violation of that little marriage vow about faithfulness? They essentially had sex - just not oral or intercourse - but SHE made him come while he touched her naked body and she sat on his lap rubbing it all over him and his penis. And you think his wife is just insecure?? Freakin' amazing. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 If he feels he did nothing wrong he would have had no reason to hide it from you. Only YOU can decide if YOU were cheated on. I know I would feel cheated on. Have you talked about where the line is? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greta Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by sweetbilly I think the question should be "what are the women at the strip club doing that you aren't ." If you want your man to be faithful, show him you have that they don't. Or go with him if your scared he's going to cheat. Usually if a man goes to a club it's for a reason. Usually something at home isn't right. I think you show alot of insecurity by being afraid. Are you scared that these women are going to steal your man? Yes, the question has crossed my mind, repeatedly, "What am I not doing for him that he feels the need to go get it at a strip club?" and no, I'm not perfect & neither is this marriage. Do you think he gives me everything I need? No, he doesn't - but that doesn't mean I can go seek it out from someone else because I took vows that said I will remain faithful to this one man, and I take those vows seriously. Also, no I don't think that stripper is going to steal my man, any guy that honestly thinks a stripper at work is truly interested in him is a fool - she only wants his money. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 following on from what taxi says - why did he lie to you about going if he knew you would likely be cool about him going to a strip club? am i right in saying that going to a strip club with your dad wouldnt be a threat as youd have your dad there to keep an eye on him? this is kind of where i imagine a lot of people start slipping up with miscommunication, thats the sort of thing i would do and then when you pick the whole thing apart, your argument feels weaker than your feelings towards it the fact is he lied to you, the fact is another woman brought him to orgasm, the fact is hes bragging about it to his friends. thats a big problem. and he has very differing views to you about whats right and wrong on this. if he feels hes done nothing wrong, would he see nothing wrong with doing this every weekend? would he be keen for you to do it? if he genuinely doesnt believe hes done something wrong, he must know you would think he had or he wouldnt have been rushing to the shower and hiding it from you. i wouldnt go for this. he says hes going to go back???? a stripper getting him off is more important than you - his wife of 9 years? i feel for you, if i were in that postion, id be devastated too. if he wanted to 'avoid this big fight' he shouldnt have cheated on you and lied. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 sorry for the repetition, in the time i started to reply, cooked and ate dinner there have been 4 other replies - and you answered my dad keeping him in check question will try to be quicker next time! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greta Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by Kat If he feels he did nothing wrong he would have had no reason to hide it from you. Only YOU can decide if YOU were cheated on. I know I would feel cheated on. Have you talked about where the line is? Yes, after all this happened, and our respective lines are at different places. He feels that as long as there isn't penetration, direct penis contact, or kissing/dating then it's not crossing the line. I say that type of intimate, close, physical contact with anyone other than me - whether his clothes were on or not is crossing the line. But I should also add that I hear a lot of "That's different" when I ask him how he would feel about me grinding on another man in only a thong, rubbing my tits in his face and letting him touch me. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by Greta But I should also add that I hear a lot of "That's different" when I ask him how he would feel about me grinding on another man in only a thong, rubbing my tits in his face and letting him touch me. How convenient that what he did isn't cheating but if you did that and got off on it it wouldn't be acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 if what he does is so different to what you do - why did he retaliate with cheating when you cheated before you took your vows? was it ok for him to cheat then and he didnt think it was tit-for-tat behaviour and yours and his cheating were unrelated? seems to me as he sees it all the same - he knows hes done wrong Link to post Share on other sites
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