My prince charming is turning into a toad…

[echocrush]

Can anyone think of a way to teach someone how to have empathy for other people? I can’t stand the way my husband gets sometimes.

 

When he is in a good mood he treats me like a princess, he tells me I am his heart, his soul, his everything. I am beautiful, smart, funny, his one and only true love.

 

But the littlest things set him off on a bad mood, and when he’s in a bad mood I can barely live with him. Sometimes he will go days without speaking to me, others he will yell rude things when I am on the phone with a friend, or say mean and hurtful things just to get back at me for something I didn’t even know I did.

When my father passed away he asked me why the f I was crying!

 

He just doesn’t seem to be able to see past himself to the pain he causes other people. His attitude about life is F it, and that applies to anything he doesn’t like or understand.

 

He is a very closed person, I seem to be the only thing that brings out emotion in him, and it seems like it is less and less the longer we are together. I know he has had a rough life but he wont talk about any of it.

 

So is there any way I can help him??? I do love him very much, I’m just getting to the point where I’m not sure I can live with him much longer.

 

When I went to my fathers funeral I didn’t want to come home. I am tired of looking forward to seeing him all day long and then he walks in the door and he is the other guy more and more. I talked to him about this when I got back, and it really got to him for about two weeks, but now the other guy is back again… I am not sure he really comprehends things like emotions when I talk to him.

 

I’ve noticed no matter how carefully I try to approach the subject he seems to just get defensive and attack me. He will change the subject until it is such a mixed up mess I don’t even know where we started anymore. And yes, I’ve tried writing it to him too… it seems to confuse him even more. Maybe it’s just that I am a flowery writer… too many words, too much drama???

 

So is there any way to help him understand that it’s wrong to be so selfish and insensitive, to help him understand???

[Wolvesbaned]

My condolence to you for your loss. I'm sorry you have to deal with your husband at a time like this. You should be able to grieve in peace, not explain yourself and be offended and hurt by the man you love most.

 

I have no idea why he is the way he is but I'm glad you posted because your situation sounds familiar to me. Tonight I just pinpointed my husband's lack of consideration as a major obstacle against my sanity. I'm curious if there's others like them??? Is this common in men? Is it their upbringing? It's like they're really martians sometimes. I don't get it either.

 

So is there any way I can help him?

If he's young, maybe just living life will get him more in tune with the world?

[Wolvesbaned]

My husband is in a way the same. Here's my story: He claimed he never cried until he met me. He can be very loving and affectionate but lately he's been snapping, though he doesn't curse and isn't physical.

 

When we first met, I noticed that when he did something to hurt me, instead of consoling me first, he needed me to explain "why" I was hurt (amidst my pain) as if he was mad, but at himself.

 

Right now we're going through some "friendship" issues and I brought up the following scenerio: If I've been wanting to go to the theater for a long time but we can't because of his schedule and he's lack of interest, but his friend comes into town with theater tickets, would he go? His answer: Yes, why not. We can go some other time. He doesn't see how going with a someone else first will take something away from us as a couple. He doesn't understand how my feelings can be hurt. I know this sounds like a very shallow example, but it's late and my mind is mush. Things should be clearer in the morning.

[Tony T]

What I don't understand is why you married the guy knowing how he was and is??? If he wasn't like that before you married him, he committed fraud and has turned into someone you obviously can't love or spend the rest of your life with. He's a nightmare you need to get away from. Is there a reason now you are still hanging around? Waiting for him to change??? Fat chance.

 

You can't get somebody to change and you can't get somebody to be more empathetic and sensitive. Some people do get that way after a horrendous hardship...others just get more bitter.

[Karlise]

If he is just now learning how to connect and be intimate with someone (you) it could very well be stirring up a whole mixed bag of old emotions.

 

You said he never cried until he met you?

 

That's pretty telling.

 

If someone has spent their entire life 'closed off' from emotions, and then has to start learning how to listen to other people, connect with them and be empathetic, it can be a rocky road.

 

To go from never crying to crying? Not easy. He is probably feeling very out of control and confused. That can lead to explosive outburts, moodiness and emotional shut down.

 

That does not excuse his behavior towards you!

You do not deserve to be yelled at or verbally abused.

 

DO stand up for yourself when he acts out.

 

I would insist he sees a counselor. Or go together for marriage counseling.

[sportsloving]

Short of him attending counseling, I don't know that there is a lot for you to do. First off he has to recognize that the problem exists, and then he has to be willing to change it. More than likely... not going to happen.

 

I am sorry for the loss of your father, and for the reaction of your husband towards you. Is it possible for you to take time away from your husband and try to get through one thing at a time (grief)?

 

I wish you the best of luck ~

[moimeme]

So is there any way to help him understand that it’s wrong to be so selfish and insensitive, to help him understand???

 

I'm curious if there's others like them??? Is this common in men? Is it their upbringing? It's like they're really martians sometimes. I don't get it either.

 

You can't 'fix' such people because they can't even comprehend what it is that they are lacking. You might as well explain quantum mechanics to a chimp - there is no point of reference for them whatsoever.

 

People with certain disorders often lack empathy. There have been studies on boys with AD/HD showing that their abilities to empathize differ from boys who don't have it. My ex didn't understand empathy at all. He could only empathize with people in situations that he had experienced personally. He could not understand issues from others' perspective. He once said that he had managed to learn 'the motions' of acting empathic in some situations, but he truly did not comprehend the concept.

 

It is unfortunate that you ladies have discovered this too late. Both of your men may have frozen out their emotions and dissociated due to early trauma - you can check into that, but otherwise, it could just be a fatal flaw. You'll have to live with them understanding they will likely always live in their own world or else end the relationships.

[echocrush]

When I married him I made it clear I didn't want to change him, and he had better be marrying me for me and not with the intention of changing me. I've been married before and I know it just doesn't work.

 

It's just his mood swings I can't handle, not him in general. He can be so wonderful, so sweet... it's just when he's in a bad mood. When he's in a bad mood he walks in the house with fighting on his mind. You can tell. Sometimes he barely makes it in the door and he's looking around trying to find something to be mad about. He gets mad at me for using his ashtray, or something stupid like that. (posessive) Or it could be that the phone is ringing too much that night, or one person called, but he didn't like the timing.

 

I've tried to teach him to leave work at work, to mellow out, to just be nice... but I can't seem to get through to him.

 

He's one of those tough guys... he doesn't talk about problems, sometimes I wont find out what is bothering him for weeks, or ever. And he is a terrible perfectionist.

 

We have talked, and I can tell he wants to make this work, he wants to learn how to be more mellow... he asks me questions, tells me he just doesn't understand, and I don't know how to help him learn to be more compassionate.

 

So he wants to change because he loves me so much, but he is too manly to seek outside help, and I don't know how to help... make sense?

[moimeme]

So try books. There are good books for everything under the sun. Try books on anger and on stress. People who won't see a therapist sometimes are willing to read a book.

[echocrush]

He doesn't read... although I did give him an audio copy of Mars Venus... he said he really liked it, and I got all excited. Turned out it helped him fall asleep. *shrugs*

 

I realized something tonight. I tried to hug him and he just looked at me and walked away. I asked him why he does thing like that because it really hurts me. He instantly responded in an oh god not that again tone and ignored me for the rest of the night...

 

So What I realized is he really freaks out when I show my emotions. Crying over my father, even saying that something hurt me... any ideas here? Why would someone be so threatened by emotions?

 

I don't blame them on him, I just try to use the psychology approach... I feel bad when...

 

but it makes him so angry...

 

*sigh* we haven't even been married a year yet, am I looking at a lifetime of no emotions allowed?

[moimeme]

A lot of people get damaged at some point in their lives. I suspect there are issues in his past that are affecting his behaviour today. I assume you know his life story so run through the events in your mind to see what you think might be contributing to his behaviour.

[FolderWife]

My husband was like that. He pretty much hated me. I got so low and down, that I was genuinely ready to LEAVE, but then I decided why bother. I decided that we can live together without being a couple. We can be roomates: we don't have to talk. Therefore, I quit calling him from work, I quit looking forward to seeing him, I quit trying to spend time with him, and I found other things to do! I joined a gym, I put more into my work, I had soap operas that I taped so I could go to the other room, and watch them while he hogged the living room. He could go to bed when he wanted, and I went to bed when I wanted.

 

It wasn't how I WANTED to live with my husband, but I wasn't going to walk around crying, because he wasn't the kind of man to make me happy.

 

Then, something magically happened. I don't know what it was, but he became more patient, he became calmer, he started coming and watching TV with me for short periods of time, and we started going to bed at the same time.

 

You have to let men be themselves sometimes. Think about how you feel during PMS...I don't want ANYONE around me, and if someone talks to me, it sets me off. Sometimes he won't get that, and I've learned to be more patient, but men aren't as self aware as women. I say he's had a busy day, and he wants to be alone. So when you get home, say hi, then go take a shower, then get dressed, then go watch ANOTHER TV, in another room, until you get sleepy, then go to bed. Don't try to talk to him, because he's probably edgy. After around 3 or 4 days of this tiny bit of communication, he'll start to miss you, and if he's anything like my husband, he'll be pretty much begging for your attention. You can walk through the room he's in, and he'll hold out his arms, for you to hug him. Or when you're nice and comfy, he'll call your name for you to come where he's at. Or if he sees you walk by to go to the bathroom, he'll yell, "What are you doing?"

 

Little things like that will show you that he WANTS you around...but it may take a little while. If one or the other spouse is always pining for the other's attention, you tend to get on each other's nerves.

 

See, when he starts wanting you around more, then you can relax, and enjoy it. If he starts being a toad again, just back off. Don't be rude, just don't be around.

 

I think if you give him some space, he probably will straighten up. I gave mine space for about a month, because at this point, I was sick of having my feelings hurt all the time, and I decided that I can be happy alone in our home. That's when he started to be good to me. If you let them talk crap to you, then keep coming back for more, then they'll continue to talk crap to you. If you leave them alone for a while, they'll start treating you better, because they'll learn that if they are mean to you, then you won't be around as much.

 

I hope something I said helped. This is from my own experience, and it's not a recipe for makine a husband be good. If you haven't tried it yet, though, give it a try for as long as you can stand to be alone watching TV, and see what happens.

 

In my case, giving each other a little room to be alone once in a while has made our marriage much much happier.

 

Proof of this, is when we spend TOO much time together, we start agrivating each other again. Don't bother trying to talk to your husband about how you're feeling right now, because he sounds like mine, and instead of hearing what you are SAYING, he's hearing you tell him that he's bad, and that he's not good, and that you are disappointed in him, and he gets defensive. Some people are sensitive, and I know that MY husband is. If he feels like he's hurt or upset me, he tends to lash out at me, so I'll quit telling him how HORRIBLE he is *which is NOT what I'm telling him at all...it's just what he's hearing*

 

One time I was trying to tell him how he hurt me (when we were GETTING ALONG...NOT WHEN WE WERE FIGHTING...YOU CANNOT TELL THESE SENSITIVE MEN ANYTHING WHEN YOU AREN'T GETTING ALONG) I kept trying to describe as best I could why it hurt, and how it hurt, and how it could be handled that it wouldn't hurt, and he blurted out, "I UNDERSTAND! You don't have to keep going on and on and on about it."

 

That tought me something about myself...it tought me that I should just tell him why and how it hurt, and leave it along. If I harp on it, he'll think I'm laying into him, and that's not what I want.

[befuddled11]

First of all, I'm very sorry for the loss of your father, and I'm very sorry that the person you likely expected to be able to turn to in your grief, your husband, well..that he wasn't there for you, not in the least.

 

Was he 'this way' prior to your marriage? When you were dating?

 

He sounds like a very unhappy individual, who has a lot of anger and resentment and bitterness and unhappiness deep inside of him......and unfortunately, you're the one who it's directed at.

 

The way he's treating you, is a form of abuse. You must feel like you have to constantly walk on eggshells and double and triple-check your words prior to expressing them. And goodness, you've not even been married a year. Yes, the first year of marriage is always tough, pretty much......but this sounds like misery.

 

It sounds like he feels horribly uncomfortable when it comes to emotions and feelings, as I think you've hit on.

 

My only suggestion would be to consider marriage counselling....individual sessions and couple sessions. There's a good chance that he will become all defensive and angry and hostile if you suggest this, but I think you need to be very clear with him that things can't go on this way..this isn't what you bargained for when you married him......that his anger and hostility and lack of emotional support and friendship is making you miserable and this isn't what you envisioned marriage with him to be.

 

If nothing else, at least start off by going for counselling by yourself.......just so that you'll have an unbiased, professionally trained person to get things off your chest to......Even just that will help you a lot. They can also work with you to try and maybe figure out WHy he is the way he is....and better ways for you to approach him/his words/his actions/his inaction. You need some support here.

 

Is he this way with other people? Family? Friends? Coworkers? The cashier at the store? The teller at the bank?

 

How is his work situation? Is he happy with his job/career? Is there something at work that's making him miserable and he's taking it out on you, at home?

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by echocrush

When I married him I made it clear I didn't want to change him, and he had better be marrying me for me and not with the intention of changing me. I've been married before and I know it just doesn't work.

 

It's just his mood swings I can't handle, not him in general. He can be so wonderful, so sweet... it's just when he's in a bad mood. When he's in a bad mood he walks in the house with fighting on his mind. You can tell. Sometimes he barely makes it in the door and he's looking around trying to find something to be mad about. He gets mad at me for using his ashtray, or something stupid like that. (posessive) Or it could be that the phone is ringing too much that night, or one person called, but he didn't like the timing.

 

I've tried to teach him to leave work at work, to mellow out, to just be nice... but I can't seem to get through to him.

 

He's one of those tough guys... he doesn't talk about problems, sometimes I wont find out what is bothering him for weeks, or ever. And he is a terrible perfectionist.

 

We have talked, and I can tell he wants to make this work, he wants to learn how to be more mellow... he asks me questions, tells me he just doesn't understand, and I don't know how to help him learn to be more compassionate.

 

So he wants to change because he loves me so much, but he is too manly to seek outside help, and I don't know how to help... make sense?

 

Ok, I think we married the same person. My husband is a perfectionist in every single way. If the house isn't tidy, he gets upset. If I don't fold the laundry as soon as he washes it, he gets upset. If I get bloated, he gets upset. My husband is a perfectionist who is very controlling in his perfectionisms. It's hard to live with someone like this, because yes, you do always walk on eggshells, and it is misery. I have been married just over a year, and it was pure hell the first 8 months. Looking back, I don't know how I made it. He REFUSES to admit he has a problem, and blames everything that HE has a problem with on ME. He NEVER EVER TAKES BLAME. Very immature.

 

Really, to be married to someone like this means you have to live seperate lives. I'd like to have a close marriage like in fairy tales, and I'd like to feel like he's my "partner" but I don't. I love him. I like him when he's a prince. I see my friends who have AWESOME supportive husbands, and I go home to mine's temper, and I get so depressed. If you want it to work, don't try to change his attitude. You just said that you told him that you wouldn't try to change him, yet you are wanting him to change.

 

I tried to realize that about my marriage. I decided that if we had any chance, then I was going to have to accept him: short temper, controlling perfectionist and all. I am trying to accept him, and now that I am, he seems like he's accepting me more and more. Marriage is a great thing, but it takes a lot of work.

 

It was said that you haven't been married that long. Part of the problem of living together the first year, is getting used to living together. That was a lot of our problem. He couldn't stand that I didn't run around in an apron and gloves cleaning all the time, and I couldn't stand that he EXPECTED me to. We've grown together a lot.

 

You have two options really,

 

Leave, or

 

Accept him, and accept that life with him isn't going to be a bed of thornless roses. Accept that some nights he's going to be aggrivated, and you can either fight with him over nothing, or not be around him and watch TV. Once you get used to watching TV, and that becomes your regular routine, you won't even miss him, because he'll just be in the next room......he'll miss you though

[FolderWife]

One more thing: You shouldn't HAVE to put up with his attitude, but sometimes what SHOULD BE, and what IS are two different things. You'll make yourself a lot happier, if you can keep in your head NOT TO TAKE HIS RANTS PERSONALLY. He comes home angry because his boss chewed him out, walks in the door looking for something to fight about, sees a quilt in the floor, and a plate on the table, goes to the bedroom to find you and bed, and says, "What are you doing!?!? This place is a pig pen!!!" Yes, it hurts that he's taking it out on you, but you can just ignore him and his bad attitude, and say, "Yep, Mr. Hyde is back.....oh well....zzzzzzzz." Or you can get out of bed in tears, and clean house.

 

I used to cry, and clean, but now, I just ignore his little tantrums, and go back to sleep.

 

No, I shouldn't have to put up with crap like that, and I shouldn't ignore it, but if I chose to defend myself, we'll get in an argument. If I chose to cry and do it, then he's controlling me. If I chose to ignore the attack he just made, then I feel like this

 

I know it's not personel.....they are just immature and insensitive, and it's not up to us to change them. It's up to us to leave if it gets too bad.

[echocrush]

So many wonderful responses... Thank you all...

 

The night I met him he told me he was a Leo, the first thing I said to him was "Leo's need to be worshipped" And I do a pretty good job, but when I met him I was just three months out of a bad marriage, I was submissive and scared. I am getting so much stronger, so much more independent... and I can't handle things I could have put up with at that point. I am a stronger woman because a strog man came in and taught me how to be that way...

 

Anyways...

 

We live in a very small town, we have to drive two hours to do any real shopping, and he has to drive 60 miles one way to work. I admit this is some of my problem, I am a city girl... I hate living 100 miles from the nearest stoplight. Anyways we had to go to town yesterday and it was interesting. We fought on the way up, at least part way, then didn't talk at all the rest of the way. By the time we headed back there was a lot stirring in both of our minds.

 

I told him I have been thinking about moving away, I don't want a divorce, but maybe if we had our own homes we would both be happier. The town I am thinking about moving to is 60 miles in the other direction from his job, so if he wanted to come home to me he could... if he was in one of his moods he could just come to this house. A drastic version of one of the above ideas.

 

I actually have tried just going to my own room, but he wants me sitting here with him. Sometimes it feels like he wants me to have no ideas, opinions, or interests of my own. I am just supposed to be an extension of him. I can handle being the submissive sometimes... but there are times when I have to be able to speak my mind... entertain myself... do my own thing.

 

He wasn't happy about my suggestion, and he got pretty hateful for awhile. But on the way back we talked, I realized he thinks he knows me but he really doesn't. His version of why I do the things I do always makes me wonder...

 

So I may be moving, things may change I don't know... But at least we talked huh?

[FolderWife]

Sometimes it feels like he wants me to have no ideas, opinions, or interests of my own.

 

My husband is bad for this too. If I say something, he AUTOMATICALLY thinks that I'm trying to fight with him. So we have differing opinions...that would cause a great discussion, but he thinks I want to fight. He also always takes me wrong.

 

For instance, my mom was bragging that she was talking to someone about her son-in-law, and how nice he is. We started laughing and joking, and said, "You don't think I'm nice," and I laughed and replied, "Not always...do you think I'm nice," He made a face, and replied, "No", so I laughed and said, "Fine, I don't think you're nice either." He was recently being a jerk to me, and I asked if he ever talked to anyone else the way he talks to me, and he said yes, his boss. Therefore, amidst our joking, I said, "I bet your boss and I are the only people on this planet that don't think you're always ~nice~"

 

He IMMEDIATELY got angry. He said, "Why do you think that." I heard in his tone that anything I said would get me blasted, so I mumbled, "I don't know...." then he yelled, "YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! See, this is why we always fight, because you always run your mouth!" I didn't say anything else. I sat there for a minute, then got up and left the room.

 

I'm not allowed to say anything without fully thinking it out. I didn't mean anything by what I said, and I thought that considering his weird sense of humor, he'd think it was funny...he seems to like that he gets on my nerves, and I figured he'd feel the same way about his boss.

 

Oh well, nothing I can do about his hot head, except leave him alone.

 

If your husband wants you with him, sit with him a minute, then leave. That's what I do. He whines and wants to know why I don't want to be around him sometimes. I don't remind him that he has a tendancy to jump on me with no warning.

 

Does he become a toad while you are around him? If he wants you around, then starts jumping onto you, get up and leave! When he starts acting like a human again, then you can hang out with him...otherwise, don't subject yourself to it. Why would he want you near him, if he's in a pissy mood? Why would you be around him? If he's acting like a jerk, don't sit with him because HE wants you to...go into another room. If he calls for you to come where he's at and your still upset because of his attitude, just don't answer. If he comes looking for you, and you're sitting there pouting, and he wants to know what's wrong, tell him. He'll probably get mad and storm off, but usually at this point, I'm feeling like ~gooooood ridance~ When YOU feel like making up, then go hang out with him. Don't suffer yourself.

 

Are both of you the first born child of your family?

 

My husband and I both are, and we butt heads constantly. My friends who are married to the youngest children say they are a lot more mellow.

[echocrush]

I've gotten in this habit to a point, when he notices I tell him I just can't be around him until he is someone i want to be around...

 

He is the youngest, but seems to come from a very strong-willed family, I don't know if the perfectionist thing is common in his family, but I think so. His family is amazing, his mom is so dedicated and she loves them all so much. He is a bit spoiled, and is a mommas boy, it would be hard to actually live up to the wonderful woman he was raised by.

 

I am my mothers only child, but was raised part time by grandmother as her youngest, and aunt as her oldest (she had a younger son) so... I don't know what I am.

 

He's been a bit better since we talked about me moving out... still married, living 120 miles apart... sometimes he is home here, sometimes home there? so strange...

 

nothing in my life is ever normal, maybe my marriage isn't meant to be either?